Original subtitles

CHILD'S VOICE: Digging...digging dirt off...

and then putting it on the compost.

That's our favourite thing...

in the garden.

FROG CROAKING

CAMEL GRUNTING

ELEPHANT TRUMPETING

HEN CLUCKING

Tweet!

DOG BARKING Miaow!

PIG GRUNTING

COW MOOING

YOUNG MALE: I do all I can

to avoid having to go out in the garden.

Erm...it's just not my cup of tea at all.

Boring, dirty, cold, wet...

generally, out here.

Do you want to say something, Mother?

I'm just listening.

No, please don't! SHE LAUGHS

Just go back in your little hole!

I do apologise.

I love gardening.

They say, in the garden, it's the closest place to God, you know.

Erm...I'm waiting for a nice, warm day, so I can pull a few things up.

You know what I mean? So...

Oh...hello.

I like gardening, but I'd like to do more.

I'd like to have the time.

I love to see things grow. I love to design things.

Well, a garden's a place for contemplation, isn't it?

For reflection.

Gardening, eh? LAUGHS

Very apt!

Well, we don't know much about gardening.

We seem to get by!

Oh, yeah...gardening, you know...it's not an easy job.

When you're digging all day,

the old back tends to suffer at the end of the day.

You make it as easy as you can.

Er...I would call this a labour-intensive garden.

Yes, yes...it is.

Me and Nige, like, we like being out in the open...

more than we do indoors.

I believe that, anyway.

And what Nigel likes about it...

He's got a saying: "Do it this way."

And he likes that.

But I think we both... we get on quite well together.

Sometimes, yeah, he might moan at me and that about it,

but two minds are better than one. That's what I say.

But erm...

we make sure that a job is done to the best of our capabilities,

and the job is cleared, and it's spot on when we leave.

We have a yard that Des has very nicely decked out.

Yeah. It's... Well, it's all right.

I really like it. It gets loads of sun.

It's got some ornamental grasses.

Quite small, but it's nice.

Well, it's not that small.

Smallish.

There aren't many ponds in the neighbourhood.

And in the height of summer, when it gets dry,

any body of water attracts frogs from miles around.

CHUCKLES

A lonely-heart pond for frogs. Yes.

A sort of singles bar sort of thing. Yeah.

I get a bird's-eye view of the most extraordinary gardens.

Sometimes you can be up one tree which has...

eight gardens underneath it.

And...

Aaaarghh!

All the neighbours are gnashing their teeth about this tree, and...

the person who owns the tree has a very defensive attitude towards it.

It's got a little bit of decking, and then a bit of grass...

And a bit of slabs.

LAUGHS A bit of slabs!

It has. It's got everything.

I...right. OK.

Yeah. Slabs.

And you can dig dirt, grass, sheds, bikes...

..flat stones...

What's your favourite plant?

I don't have one. I like all plants.

Except vegetables.

I hate vegetables! LAUGHS

I don't like any plants except vegetables.

You're only saying that!

No, it's true...

You like olive trees.

I can't see the point of flowers.

I like a good-looking garden which attracts...

all sorts of living things into it...

be a sort of magnet for life.

I like contrasts of er... form and colour.

And cat pappoo and dog pappoo.

And bird pappoo.

This organic gardening, that's coming a long way.

People are sort of...

I noticed in gardens that we visit...

that there's a lot of people with their own compost heaps,

putting their own sort of peelings and stuff...

Well, it's like that garden we done up in Portishead.

She had all that black stuff, and you opened it up. It was jet-black.

And that was that one with all the shrubs and that.

That stuff was really good.

I mean, that's good for the organic stuff.

Yeah, yeah. It all helps, don't it? Yeah.

They're about No.1 on the hit list, are slugs.

Crawling and sliming across leaves, and eating.

You know, not very good. You just see these silvery trails.

I can eat almost anything.

Yeah, I'm the same, too. I won't refuse anything.

The only thing I don't eat is... Turkish Delight!

Oh, I like Turkish Delight.

I can't stand it. And lychees. Lychees. Yuk.

What don't I like? I think I like mostly everything.

Brussels sprouts and that - I like them, but the missus don't.

No, nor do I. Not after!

LAUGHS Yeah, I know what she means.

Slugs, in my opinion, they're ugly-looking things.

But they're probably eating other creatures,

so they're probably doing your garden good, so leave them.

I don't think they ARE actually doing your garden good.

Are they not?

They're eating... they eat your leaves...

I know nothing about gardening. They can wreck your plants.

That's why they make slug pellets.

Oh, well, yeah, you're right! They're like worm pellets.

Silly old me! I know. LAUGHS

I suppose the next one along is a caterpillar.

It's a shame, because a caterpillar turns into such a beautiful thing.

But a caterpillar can make such a mess, you know, of a lot of plants,

you know, with leaves munched away again.

Yeah, I like the idea of a good crop of potatoes,

or a good crop of beans and peas.

Whereas flowers...

Aren't useful. Well, they are...

They're useful in the sense that you can enjoy them,

but it's an awful lot of effort.

No, it's not.

I must admit to having a very great affection...

for the plant that we call by the unfortunate name...

of...

..dog's-tooth violet.

Sorry for that delay.

There is a shrub that I do like - the burning bush. Ever seen them?

Laburnum bush? It's called the burning bush.

Oh, burning bush. Burning bush, it's called.

And basically, it goes green...

and when it goes to die off, it goes a completely brilliant red.

Oh, like flames.

That's why they call it a burning bush.

It goes from a nice, dark green to a real, burning red.

And it's called the burning bush.

And turns to ash?

It just goes to branches - thin, little branches.

And then it goes green again, and it goes all over it again.

But the tree stays there all the time.

Oh, right. So, it's a year...

It's a bush that's there - well, a shrub -

that's there all year round.

It's just mucky, messy, boring.

Rubbish.

It's got a shed, which I'm really made up about,

cos I've, like, always wanted a shed, all my life.

And now I've got one.

To read pornography in!

No, not to read pornography in!

To have a radio,

and listen to the football results with a paraffin heater...

in fingerless gloves!

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It's not chocolate.

It's not...it's not grass.

It's not...

It's not anything. It's dirt.

I'm telling stories!

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