Original subtitles

The best effect of medicine is...

I have no idea. BOTH LAUGH

You see, I've had a lot of things wrong with me.

I'm always going to the doctor's.

You get there and you find out, you know,

there's queues to wait all the time, in't there?

And then...I mean t'doctor's, a lot of the time waiting in queues and...

I mean, most of the time,

you spend most of your time in the doctor's waiting.

I'm one of these, I go to the doctor when it's generally necessary.

I'm not one who goes for every pill, potion and tablet there is.

If I know what's the matter with me,

I expect the doctor to do something about it.

I won't be fobbed off by them.

Doctors have always scared me

because when I was born, I nearly died.

I had fifty-fifty per cent chance of living

when I was born...

and was in a little incubator

and all my eyes were covered

and I was yellow,

which was awful.

I rarely go to the doctor.

The last time I did go, he thought I'd died

because I hadn't been for such a long time.

Doctors and I are great friends. I owe a lot to doctors.

They've kept me alive. I've seen a lot of them.

They've come. They've prodded me from top to bottom,

in and out, every end, every...

every part of my body.

And they've un....

cut me open and stitched me up

and done a pretty good job on me all over.

I'm the kind of person that's a bit of a hypochondriac.

And if I get a little nagging pain or something,

I automatically think it's something really serious.

But, then, I never go to the doctor.

And you never shut up about it either.

I know. It's just a typical bloke, I suppose where...

It's not.

Shall we row about it now?

It's these heart palpitations I get.

I never know when they're going to come.

And they...they just...

You've got your heart jumping about all over the place.

MONITORS BEEP

COUGHS

I can't do with sputum and I can't do very much with feet.

I can't do anything with anybody's feet.

Doing anything with my own sputum really makes my stomach turn over.

You know...

I don't mind vomit.

I developed a funny lockjaw.

The dribble was coming out the side of my mouth.

I couldn't speak. I couldn't chew.

I just wanted to die.

Took one look at me and said, "Oh, that's an allergic reaction."

He gave me my antidote

and immediately my mouth just went urrgh!

Back to normal.

That's what I've got now. I've got throat swelling now.

And I've got, you know,

I've got the tablets for that at the moment as well.

I've took a lot of tablets all my life...

about 23,000...

and I'm still alive, but at the end of the day,

I think without them I'd have been dead.

DRY COUGH

I once had my head slammed in a door.

That was good.

And I got...

I was saying goodbye to my friend

and somebody slammed the door on my head.

And it was my birthday

and I had to have five stitches in my head.

So I've got them as well.

I could've had a DVT - couldn't I? - laid in bed all that time,

but, as I say, they gave me an anticoagulant.

Anyway, I'm here to tell the story.

There's people worse off than I am... I can walk about all right.

I remember having a severe cold, which didn't shift.

And I shared a flat with a couple of vet students

who dosed me with Famel syrup,

the main active ingredient of which I believe is creosote.

So I spent several days smelling like a fence post,

but it did the job.

You see, I've had a lot of things wrong with me.

There was big problems with my eyes at one stage.

I went in about my eyes... well, a lot of times

and had to go to see specialists.

But what they do is they... they clamp your head...

..in a...in a big clamp...

and they want to bounce things on your eyeballs.

I had an eye operation quite a few years ago.

I flew very quickly after I'd had the eye operation.

Well...you can't, you know...

I couldn't be doing with that, you know.

And so I'm pulling my head out of this clamp all the time.

And it was a real concern. I shouldn't have flown

because it put too much pressure behind the eye.

That's another occasion

when they told me I could just go on my own way.

So I got thrown out of there as well.

I've fallen from this, yeah. I fell from this once.

A little blonde beautiful, little blonde lady.

She was quite nice, she was.

Yes. That's the trouble.

I went to Birmingham to see her on my old motorbike.

I don't like... I had a blood test the other day,

but I do not like needles.

I don't like needles at all.

I look away when I'm having an injection.

I'm fine with injections into any part of my body,

but I won't have them in my mouth.

And the reason is that I...

I've always been the opposite. I LOVE injections in my mouth.

Really? I really quite like them.

In fact, the more intrusive the dentistry the better I like it.

I'm not keen on dentists. I was the last in Britain to be gassed.

They didn't use enough gas! No. I did come round.

That's when they started phasing gas out

because they said gas is too dangerous.

The big black mask.

You can see it coming towards your face and the smell of the rubber.

And having all my bottom teeth filled without anaesthetic.

Dentists... Just brutal.

Really brutal.

Dr Bewers, he was very good, that boy.

I mean, I think he was the first one that told me, you know,

some of the many things that was wrong with me.

You know, I had a problem with the inner ear...

and asthma, what I had for a long time.

I've got a small scar on my forehead,

where a child threw a brick at me...

or it seemed like a brick at the time, but...

I've no scars... And I've got a scar here.

I've no scars whatsoever anywhere.

You have. Have I?

That? Do you count that as a scar? It's only a little...

Well, that is a scar, yeah.

I don't count it as a scar. Do you not? No.

I've got a scar on my elbow and a scar on my other elbow

and a scar on my knee.

On my face, my legs, my stomach...

And a scar on my other knee, on my tongue, my head.

My arms, wrists, hands -

everywhere.

There is no one part on my body that does not have a scar.

I don't know if I've got any other scars.

Not physical ones.

Mental ones, obviously, I've got a lot of them,

but you can't see them because they're inside my brain.

I was injured badly once...

Somebody kicked me in the forehead.

Being very young, I got up and carried on and didn't think...

..it had done me much damage.

For all I know, some of that damage may still be there.

May still affect some of the things I do and some of the things I say.

I've broken all my toes. I've got a dodgy knee.

I've bust both my ankles

and bent my feet back round so they're next to my shins.

Broken my hand and my wrist and my collarbone three times.

Bashed my head, knackered my back.

And it's all been worth it.

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LAUGHS: It's great.

I love smiling. I love being happy and jovial, telling jokes,

being the butt end of jokes.

But, hey, now I can do it with a mouthful of teeth

and I'm really looking forward to it.

I've had crabs. They were good.

You got a hand, didn't you?

I did, yeah. LAUGHS

Ooh, hang on, hang on.

I won't let anyone stick a thermometer in me. Ow!

Now it's a lot of talk is what I find.

Um...and that. Yeah?

Sorry, what was the question again?

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