Original subtitles

MUSIC: Kyrie/Sjung, Syster Sjung! by Sara Parkman

You all right?

This bit used to be the nudist beach here.

Till the council started throwing turds in the water.

I mean, what's the point of getting your chebs out

if everything stinks of shit?

Do you have to use the word "chebs"?

DANNY CHUCKLES Sorry.

Tits.

Margate's actually quite nice now. It's quite up-and-coming.

I just saw an Aldi.

And a Prezzo in Broadstairs. Ooh.

I used to love it here, so much.

Although London's shit now.

We're all just getting our phones nicked all the time

and everywhere shuts by half ten, so...

Shit. What do you do if you want a late one?

Well, sometimes, I go...

I go to...

..Soho House.

Soho House?! Mm.

DANNY CHUCKLES Oh, no.

Please don't tell me you're a member. Don't start.

Who do you think you are in Soho House?

Just someone who likes a 1am picante with padron peppers and pals.

You are so gay.

I didn't make it, did I?

HE SIGHS

I'm so sorry, mate.

I'm sorry too.

I just...

I just couldn't...

You don't need to explain it.

We all know there isn't just one answer.

I guess I just want you to know in some way

that you're still so present.

It's all the everyday stuff, really, like,

I could be picking a Tesco meal deal and start thinking about you -

at what you'd get, whether you'd go for a Dr Pepper

or a Naked Blue smoothie,

what you'd make of how it's all changed.

How's it all changed?

It's not �3 anymore.

What?

It's �3.90.

3.40 with a Clubcard.

Are you joking?

But at some Tescos, you can get a Costa Express

in the �3.40 deal, which is...

BOTH: ..the price of a coffee in itself.

And then sometimes,

I'll just think about you on certain dates,

like the day I turned the age you were when we met...

..and I thought, I don't know why you became friends

with such a dweeb.

Or the day I turned the age you were when you left.

And I felt so guilty,

like I was never supposed to become older than you.

And then the day I turned 30,

one of my first thoughts was, "God, you'd be so happy in this age."

Everything just sort of dissipates a bit and you stop giving a shit

about looking good in photos

or making someone's birthday drinks on time.

I fucking hate birthday drinks. Mm.

It's, like, have a party or don't.

I totally agree.

And I know, somewhere, you'll be cringing soooo hard at the earnest,

overshare-y sincerity of all this, but I just...

..I just really miss you.

And I've written so much about us.

To not let the injustice of what could have been...

..override all the joy of what was.

Can I just say, look, I know I chose this ending,

but we both know it's not what I wanted.

I didn't wanna leave,

I just wanted out of the fucking mess I kept falling into.

I dunno, a part of me thinks that this shouldn't be the ending.

And, yeah, I'd...

..I'd actually really like another one.

OK.

OK, right. Erm...

Stand up. What?

Come on.

Up you get.

Shoulders back.

Chebs out.

Get up on the bench.

What, like, on it? Yeah.

OK, and...now what?

You're going to wait.

Wait for what?

Well, I'd like to think, that night,

you didn't wait for the help that you had asked for to get to you,

so, this time, you're gonna wait.

I feel like a bit of an idiot just stood here.

No, you don't. You look great.

Look, if you wait, something else will come along.

It might not be loads better, but...

..just you wait.

Jack.

Ah, thank you.

Ah, I feel like a right plum.

No, sod this.

Come on. It's OK.

HE SNIFFS

That's it. It's OK.

It's OK.

It's all right.

Let it out, OK?

Let it out.

It's OK.

Sorry. Danny, where do you keep your teabags?

No, I wasn't talking to you.

No, I won't be home tonight, Kelly,

so you're going to have to make your own dinner, I'm afraid.

SHE CHUCKLES Grumble!

No...

No, that's not true.

I taught you how to use the George Foreman very recently, remember?

Yeah... Yeah, OK.

And there's some asparagus tips in the veg drawer as well.

No, I know...I know they make your wee go funny,

They makes everyone's wee go funny.

Funnily enough, actually very good for you, asparagus tips.

Erm... Good h-hearing, something like...something like that.

Erm, well, I'm actually just teabagging in Margate at the moment.

Are you laughing?

She's laughing.

Why are you laughing at that?

Hello?

I think she's on the train or something.

Right, teabags, teabags...

TV: Coming up next, it's A Question Of Sport.

Is Sue Barker a lesbian as well or is that just Clare Balding?

Can't remember.

Shall we have a little read of the TV Guide?

Ooh, it's from 2008.

It'll be wrong.

Mm. Seen... Yeah, seen that, seen that.

Haven't seen that actually.

Ugh, cycling.

SHE CHUCKLES

Ahh.

There's a little bit of a breeze coming from somewhere...

SHE GASPS Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Heh... Sorry!

SHE CHUCKLES

No, it was a bit of an emergency cos, erm, you know, you didn't

answer you phone after you texted me and I was a bit like, "Oh..."

Cos I'd driven for two hours, and I was like, "Ooh, got to get in,"

so I used the minibus fire extinguisher in the end,

which is also quite mini,

erm, to smash your... smash your back doors in.

But don't worry, don't worry, don't panic, cos I've put many an

SU bog door back on its hinges.

All in a day's work.

OK. DRILL WHIRS

Cover your eyes.

Right, let's just get some shut-eye

and then we'll make a plan of action tomorrow, OK?

Thanks, Jules.

Oh... Oh, oh, no worries...at all.

Of course, sweetheart.

There's nothing too big that we can't fix, OK?

Just remember that.

OK.

Night, then,

I'm just gonna put on a podcast if that's OK, just to help me sleep.

Hello. My name is Anoushka Delafonte

and you're listening to Anoushka's Empowered Women's Health podcast,

where we delve into many of the hidden issues

affecting millennial women today.

From PMS to tender breasts,

this is a safe space for women to discuss our bodies.

And talking of safe spaces, we're sponsored by Squarespace.

Squarespace empowers millions of dreamers, makers and doers

by providing them with the tools they need

to bring creative ideas to life.

And it's so easy.

Ahh...

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, do you know what "GS" stands for on my...?

"Great shag."

SHE CHUCKLES

No, I'm joking. Just, erm...

No, just trying to get some cheeky banter going with you.

Cos now you're at the end of uni,

I can do cheeky banter with you, finally.

Ooh, shall we have a Mr Whippy? 99?

Oh, hello.

IN MANDARIN:

Ooh, er...

..hundreds and thousands sprinkles.

Threw in an extra Flake for you.

Aww, thank you. That's very kind.

Jules!

What?

MUSIC: Sea Creatures by Soak

What did you actually study, then?

International business relations with Mandarin.

Wow. Mm.

God, the ice creams in Margate are to Princess Di for.

Oh, here we go.

In an interview in 1999,

she said that during her career she was approached by

lesbian tennis players in locker rooms

and had to reject their advances.

Oh, right, OK.

And in 1982, she had a brief romance with singer Cliff Richard.

No! Yeah. Cliff allegedly said,

"I seriously contemplated asking Sue Barker to marry me,

"but, in the end, I realised I didn't love her quite enough

"to commit the rest of my life to her." Oh, my... So harsh.

It is harsh. They would have met at Wimbledon. At Wimbledon, yeah.

Hang on, where are we? This isn't the way back to uni.

Well, I'm taking us on a cheeky 37-minute detour

to one of your favourite places to eat.

HE YELPS

You're joking!

Fleet Services! Yeah.

I fucking love you, Jules Handy! Oh, language please.

I fucking love yoooooou!

MUSIC: Whiteout Conditions by The New Pornographers

Ahh...

Ah, that was incredible.

You know, when I was holding those two semi-automatic pistols just now

to kill the zombies on the Sega House of Dead machine, I...

..I just suddenly had a thought that...that I need new challenges

in my life.

This is very much the effect that Fleet Services

tends to have on people.

Do you know what? Believe it or not, my whole life, people have, like,

thought I was a bit of a joke or something and I'm actually...

..I'm actually not. I'm... I'm very proud of my career.

Because I know I didn't, you know, leave uni and join, like,

a FTSE 100 company or...or...or start a small, inspirational,

independent greetings card business or anything like that,

but, you know, I did something that I really love,

which is helping people.

Mm. Walkers Max Paprika?

No, not right now.

But, erm, helping them learn about themselves

and help them to... to let their hair down and...

..and discover who they are.

I mean, like how you've done with Jack.

And all your friends, actually.

And I...

..I think that...that...

..next year should be my last year.

And I was thinking as well,

I mean, you know, if you're up for it, that, erm...

I just think that you have a lot of those same qualities.

Me? Yeah.

I was thinking I could train you up this summer and, erm...

It'd be, like, a proper-waged job and everything.

You could finish your disso, then, and, erm...

I mean, at least for a little bit, you can be the new me!

You know, when you put it like that...

..I think that's exactly what I wanna do.

I think I'd actually be sick at this!

Yeah, that's literally what I'm saying.

Boop!

You hate it when I do that to you.

I know. It's hard not to, though, innit, once it's on?

Yeah, it's addictive, it's addictive.

Can you get the Gaviscon out of there?

Those jalapeno poppers are just sitting...

..sitting right on my chest. Yeah.

Oh, are there none in there?

No, just... Erm...

Mm. I can go and get you some, though.

Oh, yeah, are you sure, yeah? Yeah. That'd be great.

WH Smith's, mate. Not a problem.

SHE SIGHS

SHE TAPS

Oh, hi, hi.

Yeah, it's just me.

Erm... Yeah. No, no, I'm fine.

Erm...

Er, yeah, I've got him, yeah.

TEARFUL: Yeah, it was quite tough, but...

Yeah, we're on our way back now, so...

Yeah.

OK.

Thanks, Tim. Thanks for checking in.

Of course.

Text me any time.

Yeah, I'm here to help all summer so...

Yeah, he can stay at mine if he needs, but...

I mean, whatever, just...

We'll...we'll get him through.

Well, no, he wouldn't be staying in my room.

Well, I've got three bedrooms, Jules.

OK.

Hey, you did really well.

All right, OK, take care.

HE EXHALES

Is he all right?

He's all right.

MUSIC: Wreath by Perfume Genius

MUSIC OVER DIALOGUE

She's called DianaCamilla.

Nice. DianaCamilla Miller?

It's actually Mill-ar, like, up at the end.

Yeah, it goes up at the... Mill-ar. Up at the end. So it's different.

And, like, I just really want her to be a woman who just

doesn't hate other women.

Aww. You know? So, in many ways,

this is sort of my way of just ending that feud

between Charles's brides, you know? Mm.

This is exciting.

Hi. All right?

Erm...

You look well.

Yeah, you look...

..smart.

Thank you.

Erm, meet my family.

This is my mum, Kim. Hi, there.

You know the names that are harder to pronounce,

did you write them out phonetically for me?

Yeah, I-I thought it might be racist, though,

to just do the ethnic names,

so I've phonetically spelt out everything.

OK, erm...

Yeah, that's probably right, isn't it? I don't... Don't go yet.

Craig, David...

..and this is Brilliant.

Wait, hang on, your name's Brilliant? Brilliant.

That's brilliant.

Right, OK, just go and take your seats, wherever Mum and Dad are.

Guys! Guys!

SHE LAUGHS

Christ!

I just went to the hat and gown place.

It's �27, so I've hired it for the day.

Take it off now.

Don't be jealous because it suits me more, please.

OK? I actually do have some pretty big news to tell you all.

Here we go. How's she going to upstage my day now?

So, in September...

I'm going to uni.

What? Finally, a smart move.

That's amazing, love.

Yeah, so, I'm not gonna be lazy and, like, go to some little uni

down the road or anything like that.

Erm, instead, me, Tariq and the babies,

we're moving next month...

..to Cyprus.

Spoke too soon.

Christ, that's ages away.

I know it's far, it is far,

but, you know, you've gotta come visit.

And I really want you all to see the kids loads.

And Tariq's found this really nice house near the campus for him

and the girls cos I'm gonna do the first year in halls.

Are you on fucking drugs?!

Sorry? Have you lost your absolute fucking mind?

Yeah, tell her, Nan.

OK, guys. MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

JULES CLEARS THROAT

Hello, welcome, bienvenue, huang yang

to the Brent Uni BA Journalism Graduation 2016.

Now, it gives me great pleasure to say that handing out these very

important scrolls you see here, we have - I can't believe

I'm saying this - one of the country's most beloved entertainment

interviewers in... in the country today.

I love her, you love her, we all love her.

Please put your hands and feet together for the late, grea...

..erm...for the...for the...

..for the indomitable Alison Hammond.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: This Morning Theme

Yes, I know, I know. Put your hat on and sit down.

Put your hat on and sit down. Alison Hammond. Yeah.

Don't say her name any more. Just go sit down, buddy.

Please welcome, up first,

El-uh-zeh-bruff Jo-ee-ner.

APPLAUSE

Ta-ma-sa Pee-do-frile.

APPLAUSE

It's Thomas Peter Friar!

Co-ree-na Ga-ha-ma-ra.

APPLAUSE

Woo! Woohoo!

Congratulations. Thank you so much.

Ja-kee Roo-ka.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Go on, Jack!

Congratulations. Well done.

You're...you're my fish.

Sorry, bubs?

You died. You're...you're my dead fish.

Oh, right. Have a lovely day. Well done.

Pa-da She-ee.

BOTH: We're coming, Shannon!

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

Aww, thanks for helping me move my stuff into halls, guys.

Aww, love you.

Although, mate, your dandruff's terrible.

It's like you've sat under a shredder.

LAUGHTER

HE EXHALES

Hello, you.

Ahh, mate.

It looks so good.

It does, dunnit?

I'm proud of ya.

Oh, all right, no soppy bollocks,

I've already had Jules in here crying cos I did this all by myself.

Well, you've upstaged her, mate.

Now, are you gonna get suited and booted

to pull a fresher tonight?

Nah, it's Brent Uni policy, I've got to stay in uniform, so...

Nah, can't.

Yeah, I'm also contractually forbidden to, you know,

dance with, flirt with,

definitely shag with any of the students, so...

Ah, that's a shame.

Yeah, strict but fair. Yeah.

Well, you can dance and flirt with me.

Not shag, but... All right, OK.

Wait there.

Ready? Mm-hm.

MUSIC: The Magic Position by Patrick Wolf

The sound system in here's sick.

I'm gonna put some garage nights on, the lot.

Right, come on.

We're not actually gonna dance, are we?

You asked me to dance, so let's have a dance.

Yeah, but it's a bit gay.

Yes, it's very gay. Now, come on.

What are we doing?

All right.

# So let the people talk

# It's Monday morning walk

# Right past the fabulous mess we're in

# It's gonna be a beautiful day... #

Jack and Danny.

Cockney rhyming slang for "fanny", innit?

SHE CHUCKLES

# And you take my kiss

# And I take the world... #

All right, now, just don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I mean, I wouldn't shag a bloke, but you get what I mean.

Run!

# Cos out of all the people I've known

# The places I've been... # You drank poppers!

# The songs that I have sung The wonders I've seen

# Now that the dreams are all coming true

# Who is the one that leads me on through?

# It's you who puts me in the magic position, darling, now

# You put me in the magic position, darling, now

# You put me in the magic position, darling, so

# Let me put you in the magic position, darling, cos

# I'm singing in the

# The major key

# The major key

# The major key

# Let me put you in the

# The major key. #

# Well, you thought

# You could not go on

# Your bones are just beating

# Like drums at your funeral song... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media