Original subtitles

With five months to go before handing in our dissertations,

Corinne forced us to go where you and me had barely been before -

the Brent Uni library.

I left my charger at home, I've got to go back.

No, no, you're not getting out of it that easy, my friend.

You've got your topic now, it's time to research.

All right. Let's just hope I've got enough batty on my lappy.

Batty on my lappy?

Yes, batty on my lappy, so I don't need my charger.

Batty on my lappy.

It smells like BO and old books.

And cum.

Yeah, it does smell like cum.

Yeah, there's one of those trees outside that smell like cum.

Right, firstly, don't embarrass me.

I'm pretty well respected in these parts

and this is quite a sanctuary for me.

All right, Hermione.

Secondly...the tribes of the libes.

Over there, we have the super-hot nerds.

No, they won't fancy you,

They're attracted to Mensa levels of intellect

and Kardashian levels of thigh gap.

Even I'm not good enough for them.

Then there's the masturbators, always caught jacking off.

Yeah, I've seen this lot before, dirty bastards.

And there's the LARP society, planning their meet-ups.

Ah, that sounds like a LARP, what's LARP?

Live-action roleplay! And finally,

we have the bisexual girls with boyfriends

who meet up to discuss women's lit. Hi, girls.

All girls are bisexual nowadays.

It's great.

David's dead.

No, he's not!

SHE WAILS

This is not research. Sh! David's dead.

David who? Precisely!

We think it's Angie's ex-husband David,

but the housemates think it's David Gest,

who's just asleep in bed,

and the David who is dead is an entirely different David altogether.

No, it is just Angie's ex-husband, David Bowie, who is dead.

Oh, my God, David Bowie is dead? Yes, keep up.

I'm so confused.

Which Dave is actually dead?

So that January through till May of final year,

we did the one thing we hadn't really done so far at uni.

We worked.

# Spring, sun, winter, dread

# I don't want to get older

# No way, no way

# Spring, sun, winter, dread

# I don't want to get older... #

Ugh!

Fuck off!

# Give me batty on my lappy, keep me working

# Give me batty on my lappy, I pray.

# Give me batty on my lappy, keep me happy

# Keep me happy in the library... #

PHONE BEEPS

Fuck! Fuck, Danny, sh!

It's Mark, I can't... Wait, when will you be back?

Hello? Danny boy,

your favourite criminal has been released.

Deirdre Rachid?

They've let me out early for being a good boy.

Didn't even have to finger none of the screws or nothing.

You're joking! I bet Big Dave on G Wing was gutted. Yeah!

Where are you now? I'm down in Margate, mate.

Listen, I've got a little proposition for you.

If you're asking me to sell drugs along the promenade with you,

it's a big no. No!

I'm on the straight and narrow now, Dan, proper, all right?

I'm looking at a nice little two-bed flat by the sea,

and so I was thinking, in a couple of months,

when you're done with uni and that, you can come and live with me, Dan,

make our teenage dream come true, son.

Mate, I don't know.

Oh, Come on, look, I can help you look after Nan,

and we can sort of figure out what...

what we want to do with that and, erm...

..and, yeah, mate, be the fucking... Del Boy and Rodders of Thanet again.

Yeah, but, mate, I've sort of built my life round here now.

Yeah, but London's a bit expensive, innit?

And it's not home home, is it, Dan?

Like, we're Kent bods, mate, all right?

You can take us out of Kent, but you can't take Kent the out of us, Dan.

Yeah, sadly.

Look, I'm sorry Mark, but... this is where I'm really happy.

Yeah, mate?

All right, mate, well... yeah, no, it's just an idea, innit?

I just think... It's all right, mate, it's all right, I'll, erm...

I'll be all right, Dan, I'm...good as gold mate, erm...

Yeah, listen, I've just got to go mate.

One sec, someone's just ringing me. Love you, mate.

# I love to look... #

You'd waited four years for him to come out,

and then when he did,

you felt you'd put the distance right back.

And soon enough, Mark just stopped replying to any of your messages.

HE SIGHS

Erm..

Not to pester but, erm...

..the sex?

We can't. Yes, we can.

No, come on, leave it. OK.

Well, maybe tonight? Cos it's been a while since we...

I know. Yeah. Yeah, later.

OK.

# A dozen men

# 30 days with 24 hours in each

# Of shattered boyhood dreams... #

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to... # Shh!

Oh, poo!

I forgot you can't be loud in the library.

Thanks, guys. Just quickly before I forget,

you all have to stop singing Batty On My Lappy.

Because someone has complained about it.

ALARM RINGS Oh, my God! Is there a fire?

It's cos I can't hear! Is it the fire alarm? Yes!

I can't hear it, I can't hear it!

I don't if there's a drill, I'll find out!

Who's in ch... I'm in charge, I'm in cha...!

So... Thank you.

Happy Mother's Day, Mum!

Nan!

Oh!

And Shan!

Mwah! Dark chocolate always helps me go.

It's a bit better than that Mother's Day present a couple years ago.

What? We don't talk about that, Shannon.

Oh, my God! So the first Mother's Day after Laurie dies,

Jack takes us to be in the live studio audience of Dancing On Ice.

Nice! It's a total palaver.

We arrived late, no-one could sit together, Nan leaves.

I find Torvill and Dean have a very, very dark energy.

And Pegs is sat next to this woman, aren't you?

Who she sort of recognises...

I just couldn't put my finger on it.

No, but when the camera came round, right,

the whole audience claps for this woman,

and then we suddenly realised she was the mother

of a recently drowned child!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my God! It was so funny!

Oh, I'm sorry but come...on.

It was funny.

I actually heard from my mum today.

Same.

She's over from Oz in May.

Yeah, so we're going to have a really big first birthday

for Lauren-Sienna on the 14th of May.

It's Eurovision - only thing we have in common.

So if you can please co-ordinate your sweepstake,

invite your mates, yeah.

Shan, don't keep your hopes up,

because Eileen might postpone, like she has done the last six times.

No, she won't.

She won't.

I know what she's like...

..but she's not going to let me down.

# Daniel

# When I first saw you

# I knew that you had

# A flame in your heart... #

Can I help?

No.

No, sorry.

It's OK.

# I found a home in your eyes

# We'd never be apart... #

Like, I just keep telling myself

that when he's on good form, he's the best boyfriend,

but...when he's not, I just lose him.

You're doing all you can.

I'm going to give it a year.

Stay in London.

I'm just going to look for a paid internship or...

..a job to get me by.

OK.

I will withdraw your masters application.

But I will say your dissertation reads boring

so interview some real women, please.

# And when the fires came... #

So whilst you and Corinne continued to drift,

I was busy shagging half of campus.

Cos when you're doing your dissertation on anal,

it requires a very practical set of research.

Let's do roleplay.

Live-action roleplay...

You're fast at that.

Why are you wearing that?!

I'm cheering on England tonight.

We're in Eurovision as United Kingdom.

They're Welsh.

I just love that our act's called Joe and Jake, you know? So chill.

I mean the song's a bit shit, all the songs are shite.

Danny, Eurovision's my culture.

I learnt about footballers for you.

I know who Hector...Bellerin is.

Hector Bellerin, I didn't even tell you about him anyway,

I don't even support Arsenal, you just fancy him.

Well, I know that he's...

..right wing?

Right-back, Jack.

Or wing-back. I don't know about his politics.

If Mum doesn't show up, I'm going to stop sending baby pics on FaceyB.

Hey, remember what they said to you on the This Morning phone-in.

GEORDIE ACCENT: "Don't use your baby as a weapon"!

Well, I'll weaponise my baby whenever I like, thank you, Denise.

Russell's doing well, isn't he?

Is it awkward with him and Auntie Peggy?

Yeah, they're just friends.

They just get a bit lonely sometimes and want some company.

But I did say to her, I was like, "Pegs, if you want to do a U-turn,

"then we've got loads of lube and johnnies that she can use,

"cos we don't need them any more." Could we maybe...

Do you want to keep the lube? Yeah. Fine, I'll tell her.

DOORBELL

Do I look all right?

Fit MILF!

Thank you.

Hi, Mum! Yeah, hiya.

Take that.

Oh, thanks. What's that, then?

It's my Shloer.

Shloer? Yeah, Shloer, it's all I drink.

Oh, right, I don't think I've ever tried Shloer.

All right, well, you can have a sip of my Shloer if you like.

Thanks.

OK, come on, I can't be standing out here like a Lib Dem.

Sorry, yeah, come in, yeah. You look really good.

Yeah, I know.

There's a sugar free one in there. You could try that.

Nice to see you, Mum.

Will you give it a rest?

You can't be dissertationing at a party, it's rude.

Is it?

Look, I've 3,000 words left and the deadline's days away, so.

Well, I re-started my dissertation last month,

so I've got 20,000 words left and I'm still having a day off.

What? You restarted?! Danny, why didn't you tell me?

Cos you're not my mum.

PHONE BUZZES

Shan, yeah, I mean, don't take this personally or anything,

cos when all's said and done at the end of the day,

I'm just telling it how it is cos that is just me all over. Yeah.

But he's really handsome.

Yeah, he's lovely. Yeah.

He's lovely.

Yeah, he's lovely.

Do you ever think about that? Yeah, sometimes. What do you mean?

Nothing, just...you know, it's...

Yeah, no, I know, he's fit.

Stoic.

A lot like the bloke.

How are you doing Jack? With your degree?

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

I could've gone to uni, I'm clever enough,

but just my family was disgustingly poor, so.

Thankfully, I'm now just about to buy a six-bedroom townhouse

with a swimming pool shaped like a mermaid's tail.

But in Australia, so.

So thanks for agreeing to talk to me

about what makes a successful woman.

So, just for the record, could you please state your name?

Oh, er...

Nan.

No, like your full name.

Oh, Nanny Bingo.

No, like your proper name?

Oh, er, Shannon.

Your name is Shannon? Shannon.

Interviewing successful women, are we?

Because I have actually been consistently voted

one of the best Weight Watchers group leaders

in the whole of south-west Australia so...

Oh, no babe, no, I think Weight Watchers is a cult

forcing people to boil down their nutrition into numerical mind-games

whilst creating a long-term profit strategy

feeding off of women's self-hatred, so, no.

Well, I mostly have men in my groups anyway,

cos I find them a bit less whingy.

Why don't you interview my successful daughter?

Apparently she's a party planner.

Fuck's sake!

Excuse me. Oh.

Your mum's lovely, but she keeps calling me Stoic.

My name's Tariq.

# But it's not quite right

# And this real

# It's impossible if possible at whose blind word

# So clear but so unheard... #

TV: ..Switch off for the TV viewers, we're going to cut in live,

and we're going to have like a dance party in here!

Yeah, we're gonna have a dance party in here!

Hey.

Do you want a drink? No, thank you.

How many have you had?

Oh, don't.

Er...

Is there anything here that isn't like cheap ultra-processed meat?

I'm not eating anything that once had a face

but has been reconstituted into another face.

All right.

Careful, Shannon - leave some for everyone else!

Shan.

Yeah?

Can I say something,

and you promise you'll forgive me whatever I say?

Yeah.

Eileen has always been and continues to be

a small-minded, ignorant, spiteful little prick.

She left you at 11.

She's weak.

But you, Shan...

..you're brave and funny and gorgeous,

and despite how hard you've found it having a baby,

you're having another.

Cos you're making a beautiful family for yourself.

And she will always be a stupid fucking cow.

In Australia.

Yeah.

Peggy...

I think of you like my mum.

You're like my mum, really.

And like even with everything you've been through with Uncle Laurie,

and like...

..getting your Facebook hacked loads by those Russian bots,

it's just like...

..you've always been there for me.

So I just...I really love you, OK?

Yep. Yeah.

TV: ..To Sweden!

Ah, sorry, Russell.

Well, they sounded like the foxes who shag behind my bins.

LAUGHTER

It's all political anyway.

We're not getting fuck all votes from no-one. They hate us, the EU.

This Brexit vote next month,

I wish I was staying longer to vote us out.

Ah, I suppose you're all Team Remain in this gaff.

I'm not. What? What?

Well, I'm thinking about it.

All right? I'm from Thanet in Kent.

No-one gives a shit about our lot whether we're in the EU or not.

We're just a fucking gateway.

Thanet's not the reason to leave the whole of the EU, Danny.

Well, you would say that, wouldn't you?

You got it cushty, you're sort of ex-working class, anyway.

Nice gaff. I mean, you write sodding poems!

OK, come on, this is Eurovision, it's supposed to be about...

..peace and unity. PHONE BUZZES

And sequins.

Can you come upstairs with me, please?

I don't want to.

Please. I said I don't want to.

Take my hand and come upstairs with me, Danny.

Come on.

Why are you ignoring these calls, pal?

I don't know, Corinne.

I don't want to know.

OK.

You're going to down this water.

Danny, look at me.

You're going to down this water,

and I'm going to call them.

OK?

OK.

No. Give it here, I'll do it.

Are you...? Yeah.

Where have you two been? Having a laugh! Oh, joking.

In the kitchen, just having a biscuit.

Well, we're only watching this crap cos of you.

Maybe if you weren't here, I'd be sat in here watching it.

Oh, here we go.

Do you know what, Eileen, you are so spiteful when you've had a drink.

I'm on Shloer.

I don't know what Shloer is!

I don't know what it is! Does that make me a bad person?

Does that make me an idiot, does it?

Does it mean you should constantly neg me

when you haven't seen me in years?!

All right, don't Shloer your words! Stop!

Right, so...

..it's either Ukraine or Australia.

PHONE BUZZES

So it's Tariq or.. Eileen who could win.

Wouldn't it be funny if Australia wins the Eurovision? Hmm!

Just booked a job, Pegs. Yeah. See you in a bit, yeah?

I've got to go and see Nan now. OK.

Um...I don't want anyone knowing, all right?

I'm just going to go, like slip out and get the train to Margate, yeah?

Yeah, no, that's fine. Let's get our stuff, yeah?

TV: Eurovision Song Contest 2016!

THEY CHEER Congrats, Tariq!

Here's your winnings.

No, you're all right. Give them all to Eileen.

What?

I'd like you to leave my daughter's birthday, please.

I've booked Russell's mini-cab to take you away.

And I'd like you to apologise to Shannon.

See, all night you've just been...

..chipping away, and I'm not having it.

I'm not having anyone upset my fiancee.

What?

Sugar, I was supposed to do that bit first.

Er...

Just one second.

Er, yeah.

Shan...

..will you m...? No.

Oh.

No, no, as in... no, don't do the knee thing,

cos you being smaller than me gives me the ick.

Stand up straight, baby, stand up straight.

Shan...

..will you marry...? Oh!

Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah! Yeah!

Put it on my finger.

Oh, my God, I love it!

Sorry, pardon me, everyone.

I've just got to, erm... give Lauren the good news.

I love you. I love you too.

Oh, my God, Peggy!

Let's have a look! Oh...!

Look...

No, I think just, erm...

I'm just going to go.

What? You can't go on your own. I'm sorry.

I love you so much,

so much, but I can't...

..I can't do this with us together.

Come on, I know you're stru... I can't have you be a part of this.

Not when I've been treating you like this, all right?

You don't deserve that.

But you're struggling and I'm here. I'm sorry.

Please just go inside, please.

Are y...

Are you breaking up with me?

I'm sorry.

MUSIC: I'm Shy by Self Esteem

EXCITED VOICES

# Take mine

# Did everything you wanted, did it all

# And I'm fine leaving it friendly without ever knowing all

# But I had decided

# I was sure you over all of them

# You over all, I had decided

# I was sure you over all of them

# You over all

# And every single time I got something to say... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media