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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,021 --> 00:00:04,181 With five months to go before handing in our dissertations, 2 00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:07,421 Corinne forced us to go where you and me had barely been before - 3 00:00:07,461 --> 00:00:09,141 the Brent Uni library. 4 00:00:09,181 --> 00:00:12,181 I left my charger at home, I've got to go back. 5 00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:15,501 No, no, you're not getting out of it that easy, my friend. 6 00:00:15,541 --> 00:00:17,901 You've got your topic now, it's time to research. 7 00:00:17,941 --> 00:00:21,141 All right. Let's just hope I've got enough batty on my lappy. 8 00:00:21,181 --> 00:00:22,261 Batty on my lappy? 9 00:00:22,301 --> 00:00:24,701 Yes, batty on my lappy, so I don't need my charger. 10 00:00:24,741 --> 00:00:26,581 Batty on my lappy. 11 00:00:26,621 --> 00:00:29,421 It smells like BO and old books. 12 00:00:30,541 --> 00:00:32,341 And cum. 13 00:00:32,381 --> 00:00:34,221 Yeah, it does smell like cum. 14 00:00:34,261 --> 00:00:37,101 Yeah, there's one of those trees outside that smell like cum. 15 00:00:39,301 --> 00:00:42,141 Right, firstly, don't embarrass me. 16 00:00:42,181 --> 00:00:44,421 I'm pretty well respected in these parts 17 00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:45,741 and this is quite a sanctuary for me. 18 00:00:45,781 --> 00:00:47,181 All right, Hermione. 19 00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:50,781 Secondly...the tribes of the libes. 20 00:00:50,821 --> 00:00:52,741 Over there, we have the super-hot nerds. 21 00:00:52,781 --> 00:00:54,261 No, they won't fancy you, 22 00:00:54,301 --> 00:00:56,021 They're attracted to Mensa levels of intellect 23 00:00:56,061 --> 00:00:57,421 and Kardashian levels of thigh gap. 24 00:00:57,461 --> 00:00:58,781 Even I'm not good enough for them. 25 00:00:58,821 --> 00:01:00,821 Then there's the masturbators, always caught jacking off. 26 00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:03,301 Yeah, I've seen this lot before, dirty bastards. 27 00:01:03,341 --> 00:01:05,741 And there's the LARP society, planning their meet-ups. 28 00:01:05,781 --> 00:01:07,861 Ah, that sounds like a LARP, what's LARP? 29 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,741 Live-action roleplay! And finally, 30 00:01:09,781 --> 00:01:11,661 we have the bisexual girls with boyfriends 31 00:01:11,701 --> 00:01:13,861 who meet up to discuss women's lit. Hi, girls. 32 00:01:13,901 --> 00:01:16,021 All girls are bisexual nowadays. 33 00:01:16,061 --> 00:01:17,421 It's great. 34 00:01:24,901 --> 00:01:26,221 David's dead. 35 00:01:26,261 --> 00:01:27,541 No, he's not! 36 00:01:27,581 --> 00:01:29,341 SHE WAILS 37 00:01:31,381 --> 00:01:33,581 This is not research. Sh! David's dead. 38 00:01:33,621 --> 00:01:35,981 David who? Precisely! 39 00:01:36,021 --> 00:01:38,141 We think it's Angie's ex-husband David, 40 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:39,821 but the housemates think it's David Gest, 41 00:01:39,861 --> 00:01:41,101 who's just asleep in bed, 42 00:01:41,141 --> 00:01:44,021 and the David who is dead is an entirely different David altogether. 43 00:01:44,061 --> 00:01:46,941 No, it is just Angie's ex-husband, David Bowie, who is dead. 44 00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:49,621 Oh, my God, David Bowie is dead? Yes, keep up. 45 00:01:51,181 --> 00:01:53,301 I'm so confused. 46 00:01:53,341 --> 00:01:55,301 Which Dave is actually dead? 47 00:01:59,021 --> 00:02:01,741 So that January through till May of final year, 48 00:02:01,781 --> 00:02:05,981 we did the one thing we hadn't really done so far at uni. 49 00:02:06,021 --> 00:02:07,301 We worked. 50 00:02:07,341 --> 00:02:09,781 # Spring, sun, winter, dread 51 00:02:09,821 --> 00:02:12,581 # I don't want to get older 52 00:02:12,621 --> 00:02:17,261 # No way, no way 53 00:02:17,301 --> 00:02:19,701 # Spring, sun, winter, dread 54 00:02:19,741 --> 00:02:23,381 # I don't want to get older... # 55 00:02:23,421 --> 00:02:24,581 Ugh! 56 00:02:24,621 --> 00:02:26,261 Fuck off! 57 00:02:30,181 --> 00:02:33,821 # Give me batty on my lappy, keep me working 58 00:02:33,861 --> 00:02:37,701 # Give me batty on my lappy, I pray. 59 00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:41,221 # Give me batty on my lappy, keep me happy 60 00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:44,501 # Keep me happy in the library... # 61 00:02:56,501 --> 00:02:57,741 PHONE BEEPS 62 00:02:57,781 --> 00:03:00,461 Fuck! Fuck, Danny, sh! 63 00:03:01,981 --> 00:03:05,581 It's Mark, I can't... Wait, when will you be back? 64 00:03:05,621 --> 00:03:07,181 Hello? Danny boy, 65 00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:08,941 your favourite criminal has been released. 66 00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:10,661 Deirdre Rachid? 67 00:03:10,701 --> 00:03:12,821 They've let me out early for being a good boy. 68 00:03:12,861 --> 00:03:15,741 Didn't even have to finger none of the screws or nothing. 69 00:03:15,781 --> 00:03:18,501 You're joking! I bet Big Dave on G Wing was gutted. Yeah! 70 00:03:18,541 --> 00:03:20,781 Where are you now? I'm down in Margate, mate. 71 00:03:20,821 --> 00:03:23,381 Listen, I've got a little proposition for you. 72 00:03:23,421 --> 00:03:25,701 If you're asking me to sell drugs along the promenade with you, 73 00:03:25,741 --> 00:03:27,621 it's a big no. No! 74 00:03:27,661 --> 00:03:30,821 I'm on the straight and narrow now, Dan, proper, all right? 75 00:03:30,861 --> 00:03:33,581 I'm looking at a nice little two-bed flat by the sea, 76 00:03:33,621 --> 00:03:35,181 and so I was thinking, in a couple of months, 77 00:03:35,221 --> 00:03:38,661 when you're done with uni and that, you can come and live with me, Dan, 78 00:03:38,701 --> 00:03:40,621 make our teenage dream come true, son. 79 00:03:40,661 --> 00:03:43,141 Mate, I don't know. 80 00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:46,421 Oh, Come on, look, I can help you look after Nan, 81 00:03:46,461 --> 00:03:48,821 and we can sort of figure out what... 82 00:03:48,861 --> 00:03:51,021 what we want to do with that and, erm... 83 00:03:52,021 --> 00:03:56,341 ..and, yeah, mate, be the fucking... Del Boy and Rodders of Thanet again. 84 00:03:56,381 --> 00:03:59,541 Yeah, but, mate, I've sort of built my life round here now. 85 00:03:59,581 --> 00:04:02,061 Yeah, but London's a bit expensive, innit? 86 00:04:02,101 --> 00:04:04,461 And it's not home home, is it, Dan? 87 00:04:04,501 --> 00:04:06,381 Like, we're Kent bods, mate, all right? 88 00:04:06,421 --> 00:04:09,821 You can take us out of Kent, but you can't take Kent the out of us, Dan. 89 00:04:09,861 --> 00:04:11,141 Yeah, sadly. 90 00:04:11,181 --> 00:04:14,661 Look, I'm sorry Mark, but... this is where I'm really happy. 91 00:04:14,701 --> 00:04:15,981 Yeah, mate? 92 00:04:17,381 --> 00:04:21,901 All right, mate, well... yeah, no, it's just an idea, innit? 93 00:04:21,941 --> 00:04:24,501 I just think... It's all right, mate, it's all right, I'll, erm... 94 00:04:25,941 --> 00:04:29,541 I'll be all right, Dan, I'm...good as gold mate, erm... 95 00:04:31,581 --> 00:04:33,621 Yeah, listen, I've just got to go mate. 96 00:04:33,661 --> 00:04:35,821 One sec, someone's just ringing me. Love you, mate. 97 00:04:37,741 --> 00:04:41,501 # I love to look... # 98 00:04:41,541 --> 00:04:43,861 You'd waited four years for him to come out, 99 00:04:43,901 --> 00:04:45,581 and then when he did, 100 00:04:45,621 --> 00:04:48,261 you felt you'd put the distance right back. 101 00:04:48,301 --> 00:04:53,221 And soon enough, Mark just stopped replying to any of your messages. 102 00:04:56,861 --> 00:04:58,141 HE SIGHS 103 00:04:58,181 --> 00:04:59,461 Erm.. 104 00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:02,261 Not to pester but, erm... 105 00:05:03,701 --> 00:05:04,781 ..the sex? 106 00:05:05,901 --> 00:05:07,821 We can't. Yes, we can. 107 00:05:07,861 --> 00:05:10,381 No, come on, leave it. OK. 108 00:05:10,421 --> 00:05:13,581 Well, maybe tonight? Cos it's been a while since we... 109 00:05:13,621 --> 00:05:16,341 I know. Yeah. Yeah, later. 110 00:05:18,181 --> 00:05:19,501 OK. 111 00:05:19,541 --> 00:05:21,381 # A dozen men 112 00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:27,141 # 30 days with 24 hours in each 113 00:05:28,381 --> 00:05:31,781 # Of shattered boyhood dreams... # 114 00:05:31,821 --> 00:05:35,741 # Happy birthday to you 115 00:05:35,781 --> 00:05:39,421 # Happy birthday to... # Shh! 116 00:05:39,461 --> 00:05:41,141 Oh, poo! 117 00:05:41,181 --> 00:05:43,661 I forgot you can't be loud in the library. 118 00:05:43,701 --> 00:05:46,061 Thanks, guys. Just quickly before I forget, 119 00:05:46,101 --> 00:05:49,821 you all have to stop singing Batty On My Lappy. 120 00:05:49,861 --> 00:05:52,541 Because someone has complained about it. 121 00:05:52,581 --> 00:05:55,781 ALARM RINGS Oh, my God! Is there a fire? 122 00:05:55,821 --> 00:05:58,101 It's cos I can't hear! Is it the fire alarm? Yes! 123 00:05:58,141 --> 00:06:00,221 I can't hear it, I can't hear it! 124 00:06:00,261 --> 00:06:02,501 I don't if there's a drill, I'll find out! 125 00:06:02,541 --> 00:06:04,821 Who's in ch... I'm in charge, I'm in cha...! 126 00:06:07,141 --> 00:06:10,261 So... Thank you. 127 00:06:15,221 --> 00:06:18,421 Happy Mother's Day, Mum! 128 00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:20,021 Nan! 129 00:06:20,061 --> 00:06:21,181 Oh! 130 00:06:21,221 --> 00:06:23,221 And Shan! 131 00:06:23,261 --> 00:06:26,381 Mwah! Dark chocolate always helps me go. 132 00:06:26,421 --> 00:06:29,701 It's a bit better than that Mother's Day present a couple years ago. 133 00:06:29,741 --> 00:06:32,941 What? We don't talk about that, Shannon. 134 00:06:32,981 --> 00:06:36,221 Oh, my God! So the first Mother's Day after Laurie dies, 135 00:06:36,261 --> 00:06:40,261 Jack takes us to be in the live studio audience of Dancing On Ice. 136 00:06:40,301 --> 00:06:42,261 Nice! It's a total palaver. 137 00:06:42,301 --> 00:06:45,381 We arrived late, no-one could sit together, Nan leaves. 138 00:06:45,421 --> 00:06:48,061 I find Torvill and Dean have a very, very dark energy. 139 00:06:48,101 --> 00:06:50,741 And Pegs is sat next to this woman, aren't you? 140 00:06:50,781 --> 00:06:52,341 Who she sort of recognises... 141 00:06:52,381 --> 00:06:54,621 I just couldn't put my finger on it. 142 00:06:54,661 --> 00:06:57,141 No, but when the camera came round, right, 143 00:06:57,181 --> 00:06:59,821 the whole audience claps for this woman, 144 00:06:59,861 --> 00:07:03,861 and then we suddenly realised she was the mother 145 00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:06,061 of a recently drowned child! 146 00:07:06,101 --> 00:07:08,421 SHE LAUGHS 147 00:07:09,861 --> 00:07:13,821 Oh, my God! It was so funny! 148 00:07:15,621 --> 00:07:18,781 Oh, I'm sorry but come...on. 149 00:07:18,821 --> 00:07:20,421 It was funny. 150 00:07:21,461 --> 00:07:23,021 I actually heard from my mum today. 151 00:07:23,061 --> 00:07:24,861 Same. 152 00:07:24,901 --> 00:07:26,701 She's over from Oz in May. 153 00:07:26,741 --> 00:07:29,381 Yeah, so we're going to have a really big first birthday 154 00:07:29,421 --> 00:07:32,181 for Lauren-Sienna on the 14th of May. 155 00:07:32,221 --> 00:07:34,861 It's Eurovision - only thing we have in common. 156 00:07:34,901 --> 00:07:37,661 So if you can please co-ordinate your sweepstake, 157 00:07:37,701 --> 00:07:39,501 invite your mates, yeah. 158 00:07:39,541 --> 00:07:41,221 Shan, don't keep your hopes up, 159 00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:46,381 because Eileen might postpone, like she has done the last six times. 160 00:07:47,541 --> 00:07:49,101 No, she won't. 161 00:07:50,541 --> 00:07:52,221 She won't. 162 00:07:52,261 --> 00:07:54,541 I know what she's like... 163 00:07:55,621 --> 00:07:57,341 ..but she's not going to let me down. 164 00:07:59,861 --> 00:08:01,941 # Daniel 165 00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,941 # When I first saw you 166 00:08:04,981 --> 00:08:08,341 # I knew that you had 167 00:08:08,381 --> 00:08:11,861 # A flame in your heart... # 168 00:08:12,981 --> 00:08:14,181 Can I help? 169 00:08:14,221 --> 00:08:16,101 No. 170 00:08:16,141 --> 00:08:18,341 No, sorry. 171 00:08:18,381 --> 00:08:19,901 It's OK. 172 00:08:19,941 --> 00:08:22,621 # I found a home in your eyes 173 00:08:22,661 --> 00:08:27,061 # We'd never be apart... # 174 00:08:27,101 --> 00:08:29,501 Like, I just keep telling myself 175 00:08:29,541 --> 00:08:32,741 that when he's on good form, he's the best boyfriend, 176 00:08:32,781 --> 00:08:35,741 but...when he's not, I just lose him. 177 00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:38,101 You're doing all you can. 178 00:08:41,061 --> 00:08:42,621 I'm going to give it a year. 179 00:08:42,661 --> 00:08:44,541 Stay in London. 180 00:08:44,581 --> 00:08:47,701 I'm just going to look for a paid internship or... 181 00:08:47,741 --> 00:08:49,501 ..a job to get me by. 182 00:08:52,461 --> 00:08:53,941 OK. 183 00:08:53,981 --> 00:08:56,461 I will withdraw your masters application. 184 00:08:58,061 --> 00:09:01,341 But I will say your dissertation reads boring 185 00:09:01,381 --> 00:09:03,661 so interview some real women, please. 186 00:09:03,701 --> 00:09:06,661 # And when the fires came... # 187 00:09:06,701 --> 00:09:09,301 So whilst you and Corinne continued to drift, 188 00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:11,701 I was busy shagging half of campus. 189 00:09:11,741 --> 00:09:14,861 Cos when you're doing your dissertation on anal, 190 00:09:14,901 --> 00:09:18,301 it requires a very practical set of research. 191 00:09:18,341 --> 00:09:20,701 Let's do roleplay. 192 00:09:20,741 --> 00:09:23,621 Live-action roleplay... 193 00:09:30,541 --> 00:09:32,261 You're fast at that. 194 00:09:35,461 --> 00:09:37,221 Why are you wearing that?! 195 00:09:37,261 --> 00:09:38,661 I'm cheering on England tonight. 196 00:09:38,701 --> 00:09:41,981 We're in Eurovision as United Kingdom. 197 00:09:42,021 --> 00:09:43,861 They're Welsh. 198 00:09:43,901 --> 00:09:47,901 I just love that our act's called Joe and Jake, you know? So chill. 199 00:09:47,941 --> 00:09:49,941 I mean the song's a bit shit, all the songs are shite. 200 00:09:49,981 --> 00:09:52,981 Danny, Eurovision's my culture. 201 00:09:53,021 --> 00:09:55,301 I learnt about footballers for you. 202 00:09:55,341 --> 00:09:58,301 I know who Hector...Bellerin is. 203 00:09:58,341 --> 00:10:00,741 Hector Bellerin, I didn't even tell you about him anyway, 204 00:10:00,781 --> 00:10:02,981 I don't even support Arsenal, you just fancy him. 205 00:10:03,021 --> 00:10:05,501 Well, I know that he's... 206 00:10:05,541 --> 00:10:06,941 ..right wing? 207 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,701 Right-back, Jack. 208 00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:11,941 Or wing-back. I don't know about his politics. 209 00:10:17,301 --> 00:10:20,741 If Mum doesn't show up, I'm going to stop sending baby pics on FaceyB. 210 00:10:20,781 --> 00:10:23,781 Hey, remember what they said to you on the This Morning phone-in. 211 00:10:23,821 --> 00:10:26,301 GEORDIE ACCENT: "Don't use your baby as a weapon"! 212 00:10:26,341 --> 00:10:29,741 Well, I'll weaponise my baby whenever I like, thank you, Denise. 213 00:10:29,781 --> 00:10:31,541 Russell's doing well, isn't he? 214 00:10:31,581 --> 00:10:33,621 Is it awkward with him and Auntie Peggy? 215 00:10:33,661 --> 00:10:35,301 Yeah, they're just friends. 216 00:10:35,341 --> 00:10:37,901 They just get a bit lonely sometimes and want some company. 217 00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:40,821 But I did say to her, I was like, "Pegs, if you want to do a U-turn, 218 00:10:40,861 --> 00:10:43,301 "then we've got loads of lube and johnnies that she can use, 219 00:10:43,341 --> 00:10:45,981 "cos we don't need them any more." Could we maybe... 220 00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:48,221 Do you want to keep the lube? Yeah. Fine, I'll tell her. 221 00:10:49,741 --> 00:10:51,981 DOORBELL 222 00:10:54,141 --> 00:10:55,981 Do I look all right? 223 00:10:56,021 --> 00:10:57,421 Fit MILF! 224 00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:00,581 Thank you. 225 00:11:06,621 --> 00:11:08,301 Hi, Mum! Yeah, hiya. 226 00:11:08,341 --> 00:11:09,781 Take that. 227 00:11:09,821 --> 00:11:11,741 Oh, thanks. What's that, then? 228 00:11:11,781 --> 00:11:13,381 It's my Shloer. 229 00:11:13,421 --> 00:11:16,021 Shloer? Yeah, Shloer, it's all I drink. 230 00:11:16,061 --> 00:11:18,781 Oh, right, I don't think I've ever tried Shloer. 231 00:11:18,821 --> 00:11:21,541 All right, well, you can have a sip of my Shloer if you like. 232 00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:23,821 Thanks. 233 00:11:23,861 --> 00:11:26,261 OK, come on, I can't be standing out here like a Lib Dem. 234 00:11:26,301 --> 00:11:28,861 Sorry, yeah, come in, yeah. You look really good. 235 00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:30,541 Yeah, I know. 236 00:11:30,581 --> 00:11:33,501 There's a sugar free one in there. You could try that. 237 00:11:35,661 --> 00:11:37,101 Nice to see you, Mum. 238 00:11:44,941 --> 00:11:46,461 Will you give it a rest? 239 00:11:46,501 --> 00:11:48,821 You can't be dissertationing at a party, it's rude. 240 00:11:48,861 --> 00:11:50,261 Is it? 241 00:11:50,301 --> 00:11:52,821 Look, I've 3,000 words left and the deadline's days away, so. 242 00:11:52,861 --> 00:11:55,421 Well, I re-started my dissertation last month, 243 00:11:55,461 --> 00:11:59,141 so I've got 20,000 words left and I'm still having a day off. 244 00:11:59,181 --> 00:12:02,141 What? You restarted?! Danny, why didn't you tell me? 245 00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:04,181 Cos you're not my mum. 246 00:12:06,741 --> 00:12:08,981 PHONE BUZZES 247 00:12:15,741 --> 00:12:19,541 Shan, yeah, I mean, don't take this personally or anything, 248 00:12:19,581 --> 00:12:21,381 cos when all's said and done at the end of the day, 249 00:12:21,421 --> 00:12:24,581 I'm just telling it how it is cos that is just me all over. Yeah. 250 00:12:25,981 --> 00:12:28,061 But he's really handsome. 251 00:12:29,181 --> 00:12:31,701 Yeah, he's lovely. Yeah. 252 00:12:31,741 --> 00:12:32,821 He's lovely. 253 00:12:33,901 --> 00:12:35,701 Yeah, he's lovely. 254 00:12:35,741 --> 00:12:38,701 Do you ever think about that? Yeah, sometimes. What do you mean? 255 00:12:38,741 --> 00:12:42,301 Nothing, just...you know, it's... 256 00:12:42,341 --> 00:12:44,501 Yeah, no, I know, he's fit. 257 00:12:44,541 --> 00:12:45,901 Stoic. 258 00:12:45,941 --> 00:12:48,381 A lot like the bloke. 259 00:12:48,421 --> 00:12:50,941 How are you doing Jack? With your degree? 260 00:12:50,981 --> 00:12:52,541 Ooh-hoo-hoo! 261 00:12:52,581 --> 00:12:54,461 I could've gone to uni, I'm clever enough, 262 00:12:54,501 --> 00:12:57,301 but just my family was disgustingly poor, so. 263 00:12:57,341 --> 00:13:01,021 Thankfully, I'm now just about to buy a six-bedroom townhouse 264 00:13:01,061 --> 00:13:04,061 with a swimming pool shaped like a mermaid's tail. 265 00:13:04,101 --> 00:13:06,061 But in Australia, so. 266 00:13:16,821 --> 00:13:18,741 So thanks for agreeing to talk to me 267 00:13:18,781 --> 00:13:20,661 about what makes a successful woman. 268 00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:23,301 So, just for the record, could you please state your name? 269 00:13:23,341 --> 00:13:25,181 Oh, er... 270 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:26,461 Nan. 271 00:13:26,501 --> 00:13:28,581 No, like your full name. 272 00:13:28,621 --> 00:13:31,981 Oh, Nanny Bingo. 273 00:13:32,021 --> 00:13:33,941 No, like your proper name? 274 00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:37,021 Oh, er, Shannon. 275 00:13:37,061 --> 00:13:38,501 Your name is Shannon? Shannon. 276 00:13:38,541 --> 00:13:41,501 Interviewing successful women, are we? 277 00:13:41,541 --> 00:13:44,261 Because I have actually been consistently voted 278 00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:47,101 one of the best Weight Watchers group leaders 279 00:13:47,141 --> 00:13:49,381 in the whole of south-west Australia so... 280 00:13:49,421 --> 00:13:52,461 Oh, no babe, no, I think Weight Watchers is a cult 281 00:13:52,501 --> 00:13:56,021 forcing people to boil down their nutrition into numerical mind-games 282 00:13:56,061 --> 00:13:57,981 whilst creating a long-term profit strategy 283 00:13:58,021 --> 00:14:01,261 feeding off of women's self-hatred, so, no. 284 00:14:03,221 --> 00:14:05,341 Well, I mostly have men in my groups anyway, 285 00:14:05,381 --> 00:14:07,301 cos I find them a bit less whingy. 286 00:14:07,341 --> 00:14:11,381 Why don't you interview my successful daughter? 287 00:14:11,421 --> 00:14:13,541 Apparently she's a party planner. 288 00:14:13,581 --> 00:14:15,301 Fuck's sake! 289 00:14:17,101 --> 00:14:18,781 Excuse me. Oh. 290 00:14:37,581 --> 00:14:42,101 Your mum's lovely, but she keeps calling me Stoic. 291 00:14:43,901 --> 00:14:45,461 My name's Tariq. 292 00:14:45,501 --> 00:14:47,421 # But it's not quite right 293 00:14:53,301 --> 00:14:55,381 # And this real 294 00:14:57,261 --> 00:15:02,141 # It's impossible if possible at whose blind word 295 00:15:03,461 --> 00:15:06,621 # So clear but so unheard... # 296 00:15:09,301 --> 00:15:13,541 TV: ..Switch off for the TV viewers, we're going to cut in live, 297 00:15:13,581 --> 00:15:16,101 and we're going to have like a dance party in here! 298 00:15:16,141 --> 00:15:19,981 Yeah, we're gonna have a dance party in here! 299 00:15:21,781 --> 00:15:23,741 Hey. 300 00:15:23,781 --> 00:15:26,341 Do you want a drink? No, thank you. 301 00:15:26,381 --> 00:15:28,021 How many have you had? 302 00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:29,541 Oh, don't. 303 00:15:40,341 --> 00:15:41,701 Er... 304 00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:46,021 Is there anything here that isn't like cheap ultra-processed meat? 305 00:15:46,061 --> 00:15:49,701 I'm not eating anything that once had a face 306 00:15:49,741 --> 00:15:52,101 but has been reconstituted into another face. 307 00:15:53,581 --> 00:15:55,421 All right. 308 00:15:55,461 --> 00:16:03,421 Careful, Shannon - leave some for everyone else! 309 00:16:09,181 --> 00:16:11,221 Shan. 310 00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:13,101 Yeah? 311 00:16:13,141 --> 00:16:15,221 Can I say something, 312 00:16:15,261 --> 00:16:18,621 and you promise you'll forgive me whatever I say? 313 00:16:18,661 --> 00:16:19,781 Yeah. 314 00:16:19,821 --> 00:16:23,701 Eileen has always been and continues to be 315 00:16:23,741 --> 00:16:27,261 a small-minded, ignorant, spiteful little prick. 316 00:16:29,141 --> 00:16:32,421 She left you at 11. 317 00:16:33,821 --> 00:16:35,181 She's weak. 318 00:16:36,581 --> 00:16:38,461 But you, Shan... 319 00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:42,661 ..you're brave and funny and gorgeous, 320 00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:45,581 and despite how hard you've found it having a baby, 321 00:16:45,621 --> 00:16:47,781 you're having another. 322 00:16:47,821 --> 00:16:50,381 Cos you're making a beautiful family for yourself. 323 00:16:50,421 --> 00:16:54,061 And she will always be a stupid fucking cow. 324 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:57,381 In Australia. 325 00:17:01,141 --> 00:17:02,221 Yeah. 326 00:17:07,261 --> 00:17:08,421 Peggy... 327 00:17:10,181 --> 00:17:12,061 I think of you like my mum. 328 00:17:13,421 --> 00:17:15,141 You're like my mum, really. 329 00:17:16,621 --> 00:17:20,701 And like even with everything you've been through with Uncle Laurie, 330 00:17:20,741 --> 00:17:23,221 and like... 331 00:17:23,261 --> 00:17:26,941 ..getting your Facebook hacked loads by those Russian bots, 332 00:17:26,981 --> 00:17:28,461 it's just like... 333 00:17:30,741 --> 00:17:33,101 ..you've always been there for me. 334 00:17:34,741 --> 00:17:36,981 So I just...I really love you, OK? 335 00:17:40,741 --> 00:17:42,181 Yep. Yeah. 336 00:17:44,101 --> 00:17:46,461 TV: ..To Sweden! 337 00:17:46,501 --> 00:17:48,661 Ah, sorry, Russell. 338 00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:51,741 Well, they sounded like the foxes who shag behind my bins. 339 00:17:51,781 --> 00:17:52,901 LAUGHTER 340 00:17:52,941 --> 00:17:54,101 It's all political anyway. 341 00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:58,101 We're not getting fuck all votes from no-one. They hate us, the EU. 342 00:17:58,141 --> 00:17:59,861 This Brexit vote next month, 343 00:17:59,901 --> 00:18:02,381 I wish I was staying longer to vote us out. 344 00:18:02,421 --> 00:18:06,461 Ah, I suppose you're all Team Remain in this gaff. 345 00:18:06,501 --> 00:18:09,021 I'm not. What? What? 346 00:18:09,061 --> 00:18:11,861 Well, I'm thinking about it. 347 00:18:11,901 --> 00:18:14,061 All right? I'm from Thanet in Kent. 348 00:18:14,101 --> 00:18:16,901 No-one gives a shit about our lot whether we're in the EU or not. 349 00:18:16,941 --> 00:18:19,701 We're just a fucking gateway. 350 00:18:19,741 --> 00:18:22,981 Thanet's not the reason to leave the whole of the EU, Danny. 351 00:18:23,021 --> 00:18:24,821 Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? 352 00:18:24,861 --> 00:18:27,621 You got it cushty, you're sort of ex-working class, anyway. 353 00:18:27,661 --> 00:18:31,101 Nice gaff. I mean, you write sodding poems! 354 00:18:31,141 --> 00:18:34,421 OK, come on, this is Eurovision, it's supposed to be about... 355 00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:36,221 ..peace and unity. PHONE BUZZES 356 00:18:36,261 --> 00:18:37,421 And sequins. 357 00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:49,221 Can you come upstairs with me, please? 358 00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:51,021 I don't want to. 359 00:18:51,061 --> 00:18:53,461 Please. I said I don't want to. 360 00:18:53,501 --> 00:18:55,861 Take my hand and come upstairs with me, Danny. 361 00:18:57,461 --> 00:18:58,821 Come on. 362 00:19:08,941 --> 00:19:10,701 Why are you ignoring these calls, pal? 363 00:19:10,741 --> 00:19:12,101 I don't know, Corinne. 364 00:19:15,101 --> 00:19:17,141 I don't want to know. 365 00:19:17,181 --> 00:19:18,261 OK. 366 00:19:20,181 --> 00:19:22,301 You're going to down this water. 367 00:19:22,341 --> 00:19:24,701 Danny, look at me. 368 00:19:24,741 --> 00:19:27,141 You're going to down this water, 369 00:19:27,181 --> 00:19:29,261 and I'm going to call them. 370 00:19:29,301 --> 00:19:30,501 OK? 371 00:19:31,621 --> 00:19:32,861 OK. 372 00:19:37,461 --> 00:19:39,701 No. Give it here, I'll do it. 373 00:19:40,741 --> 00:19:41,741 Are you...? Yeah. 374 00:19:49,381 --> 00:19:53,421 Where have you two been? Having a laugh! Oh, joking. 375 00:19:53,461 --> 00:19:56,141 In the kitchen, just having a biscuit. 376 00:19:56,181 --> 00:19:57,941 Well, we're only watching this crap cos of you. 377 00:19:57,981 --> 00:20:00,301 Maybe if you weren't here, I'd be sat in here watching it. 378 00:20:00,341 --> 00:20:02,221 Oh, here we go. 379 00:20:02,261 --> 00:20:05,981 Do you know what, Eileen, you are so spiteful when you've had a drink. 380 00:20:06,021 --> 00:20:07,741 I'm on Shloer. 381 00:20:07,781 --> 00:20:09,341 I don't know what Shloer is! 382 00:20:09,381 --> 00:20:11,701 I don't know what it is! Does that make me a bad person? 383 00:20:11,741 --> 00:20:13,301 Does that make me an idiot, does it? 384 00:20:13,341 --> 00:20:15,781 Does it mean you should constantly neg me 385 00:20:15,821 --> 00:20:17,821 when you haven't seen me in years?! 386 00:20:17,861 --> 00:20:20,341 All right, don't Shloer your words! Stop! 387 00:20:23,741 --> 00:20:25,301 Right, so... 388 00:20:26,341 --> 00:20:28,821 ..it's either Ukraine or Australia. 389 00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:30,181 PHONE BUZZES 390 00:20:30,221 --> 00:20:34,821 So it's Tariq or.. Eileen who could win. 391 00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:40,701 Wouldn't it be funny if Australia wins the Eurovision? Hmm! 392 00:20:44,861 --> 00:20:47,701 Just booked a job, Pegs. Yeah. See you in a bit, yeah? 393 00:20:50,581 --> 00:20:53,141 I've got to go and see Nan now. OK. 394 00:20:53,181 --> 00:20:56,541 Um...I don't want anyone knowing, all right? 395 00:20:56,581 --> 00:20:59,261 I'm just going to go, like slip out and get the train to Margate, yeah? 396 00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:02,741 Yeah, no, that's fine. Let's get our stuff, yeah? 397 00:21:08,541 --> 00:21:11,141 TV: Eurovision Song Contest 2016! 398 00:21:11,181 --> 00:21:14,581 THEY CHEER Congrats, Tariq! 399 00:21:14,621 --> 00:21:15,941 Here's your winnings. 400 00:21:15,981 --> 00:21:19,421 No, you're all right. Give them all to Eileen. 401 00:21:22,261 --> 00:21:24,181 What? 402 00:21:24,221 --> 00:21:26,981 I'd like you to leave my daughter's birthday, please. 403 00:21:27,021 --> 00:21:29,581 I've booked Russell's mini-cab to take you away. 404 00:21:30,621 --> 00:21:33,421 And I'd like you to apologise to Shannon. 405 00:21:33,461 --> 00:21:34,901 See, all night you've just been... 406 00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:39,341 ..chipping away, and I'm not having it. 407 00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:41,821 I'm not having anyone upset my fiancee. 408 00:21:41,861 --> 00:21:42,941 What? 409 00:21:45,501 --> 00:21:47,661 Sugar, I was supposed to do that bit first. 410 00:21:48,781 --> 00:21:49,861 Er... 411 00:21:49,901 --> 00:21:51,261 Just one second. 412 00:21:52,941 --> 00:21:55,501 Er, yeah. 413 00:21:58,221 --> 00:21:59,541 Shan... 414 00:22:00,981 --> 00:22:02,301 ..will you m...? No. 415 00:22:02,341 --> 00:22:03,821 Oh. 416 00:22:03,861 --> 00:22:06,741 No, no, as in... no, don't do the knee thing, 417 00:22:06,781 --> 00:22:09,181 cos you being smaller than me gives me the ick. 418 00:22:09,221 --> 00:22:10,781 Stand up straight, baby, stand up straight. 419 00:22:13,781 --> 00:22:14,821 Shan... 420 00:22:16,181 --> 00:22:17,181 ..will you marry...? Oh! 421 00:22:20,701 --> 00:22:22,381 Yeah! 422 00:22:23,861 --> 00:22:26,141 Yeah? Yeah! Yeah! 423 00:22:27,381 --> 00:22:29,181 Put it on my finger. 424 00:22:29,221 --> 00:22:32,021 Oh, my God, I love it! 425 00:22:32,061 --> 00:22:33,821 Sorry, pardon me, everyone. 426 00:22:33,861 --> 00:22:37,621 I've just got to, erm... give Lauren the good news. 427 00:22:37,661 --> 00:22:39,101 I love you. I love you too. 428 00:22:39,141 --> 00:22:42,141 Oh, my God, Peggy! 429 00:22:42,181 --> 00:22:45,421 Let's have a look! Oh...! 430 00:22:55,341 --> 00:22:56,501 Look... 431 00:22:56,541 --> 00:22:59,101 No, I think just, erm... 432 00:23:00,781 --> 00:23:02,941 I'm just going to go. 433 00:23:02,981 --> 00:23:05,941 What? You can't go on your own. I'm sorry. 434 00:23:05,981 --> 00:23:07,861 I love you so much, 435 00:23:07,901 --> 00:23:09,901 so much, but I can't... 436 00:23:11,621 --> 00:23:13,701 ..I can't do this with us together. 437 00:23:15,021 --> 00:23:18,181 Come on, I know you're stru... I can't have you be a part of this. 438 00:23:21,421 --> 00:23:23,581 Not when I've been treating you like this, all right? 439 00:23:23,621 --> 00:23:25,141 You don't deserve that. 440 00:23:25,181 --> 00:23:28,501 But you're struggling and I'm here. I'm sorry. 441 00:23:30,381 --> 00:23:32,501 Please just go inside, please. 442 00:23:37,141 --> 00:23:38,221 Are y... 443 00:23:40,701 --> 00:23:42,141 Are you breaking up with me? 444 00:23:44,261 --> 00:23:45,381 I'm sorry. 445 00:24:10,701 --> 00:24:13,421 MUSIC: I'm Shy by Self Esteem 446 00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:21,141 EXCITED VOICES 447 00:24:25,421 --> 00:24:27,821 # Take mine 448 00:24:27,861 --> 00:24:30,661 # Did everything you wanted, did it all 449 00:24:32,421 --> 00:24:37,141 # And I'm fine leaving it friendly without ever knowing all 450 00:24:37,181 --> 00:24:39,741 # But I had decided 451 00:24:39,781 --> 00:24:43,101 # I was sure you over all of them 452 00:24:43,141 --> 00:24:46,701 # You over all, I had decided 453 00:24:46,741 --> 00:24:49,501 # I was sure you over all of them 454 00:24:49,541 --> 00:24:50,741 # You over all 455 00:24:50,781 --> 00:24:53,221 # And every single time I got something to say... # 456 00:24:53,261 --> 00:24:55,941 Subtitles by Red Bee Media 33665

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