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1
00:00:02,021 --> 00:00:04,181
With five months to go before
handing in our dissertations,
2
00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:07,421
Corinne forced us to go where
you and me had barely been before -
3
00:00:07,461 --> 00:00:09,141
the Brent Uni library.
4
00:00:09,181 --> 00:00:12,181
I left my charger at home,
I've got to go back.
5
00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:15,501
No, no, you're not getting out of it
that easy, my friend.
6
00:00:15,541 --> 00:00:17,901
You've got your topic now,
it's time to research.
7
00:00:17,941 --> 00:00:21,141
All right. Let's just hope
I've got enough batty on my lappy.
8
00:00:21,181 --> 00:00:22,261
Batty on my lappy?
9
00:00:22,301 --> 00:00:24,701
Yes, batty on my lappy,
so I don't need my charger.
10
00:00:24,741 --> 00:00:26,581
Batty on my lappy.
11
00:00:26,621 --> 00:00:29,421
It smells like BO and old books.
12
00:00:30,541 --> 00:00:32,341
And cum.
13
00:00:32,381 --> 00:00:34,221
Yeah, it does smell like cum.
14
00:00:34,261 --> 00:00:37,101
Yeah, there's one of those trees
outside that smell like cum.
15
00:00:39,301 --> 00:00:42,141
Right, firstly, don't embarrass me.
16
00:00:42,181 --> 00:00:44,421
I'm pretty well respected
in these parts
17
00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:45,741
and this is quite a sanctuary
for me.
18
00:00:45,781 --> 00:00:47,181
All right, Hermione.
19
00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:50,781
Secondly...the tribes of the libes.
20
00:00:50,821 --> 00:00:52,741
Over there, we have
the super-hot nerds.
21
00:00:52,781 --> 00:00:54,261
No, they won't fancy you,
22
00:00:54,301 --> 00:00:56,021
They're attracted to
Mensa levels of intellect
23
00:00:56,061 --> 00:00:57,421
and Kardashian levels
of thigh gap.
24
00:00:57,461 --> 00:00:58,781
Even I'm not good enough for them.
25
00:00:58,821 --> 00:01:00,821
Then there's the masturbators,
always caught jacking off.
26
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:03,301
Yeah, I've seen this lot before,
dirty bastards.
27
00:01:03,341 --> 00:01:05,741
And there's the LARP society,
planning their meet-ups.
28
00:01:05,781 --> 00:01:07,861
Ah, that sounds like a LARP,
what's LARP?
29
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,741
Live-action roleplay!
And finally,
30
00:01:09,781 --> 00:01:11,661
we have the bisexual girls
with boyfriends
31
00:01:11,701 --> 00:01:13,861
who meet up to discuss women's lit.
Hi, girls.
32
00:01:13,901 --> 00:01:16,021
All girls are bisexual nowadays.
33
00:01:16,061 --> 00:01:17,421
It's great.
34
00:01:24,901 --> 00:01:26,221
David's dead.
35
00:01:26,261 --> 00:01:27,541
No, he's not!
36
00:01:27,581 --> 00:01:29,341
SHE WAILS
37
00:01:31,381 --> 00:01:33,581
This is not research. Sh!
David's dead.
38
00:01:33,621 --> 00:01:35,981
David who? Precisely!
39
00:01:36,021 --> 00:01:38,141
We think it's Angie's
ex-husband David,
40
00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:39,821
but the housemates think
it's David Gest,
41
00:01:39,861 --> 00:01:41,101
who's just asleep in bed,
42
00:01:41,141 --> 00:01:44,021
and the David who is dead is an
entirely different David altogether.
43
00:01:44,061 --> 00:01:46,941
No, it is just Angie's ex-husband,
David Bowie, who is dead.
44
00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:49,621
Oh, my God, David Bowie is dead?
Yes, keep up.
45
00:01:51,181 --> 00:01:53,301
I'm so confused.
46
00:01:53,341 --> 00:01:55,301
Which Dave is actually dead?
47
00:01:59,021 --> 00:02:01,741
So that January through till May
of final year,
48
00:02:01,781 --> 00:02:05,981
we did the one thing
we hadn't really done so far at uni.
49
00:02:06,021 --> 00:02:07,301
We worked.
50
00:02:07,341 --> 00:02:09,781
# Spring, sun, winter, dread
51
00:02:09,821 --> 00:02:12,581
# I don't want to get older
52
00:02:12,621 --> 00:02:17,261
# No way, no way
53
00:02:17,301 --> 00:02:19,701
# Spring, sun, winter, dread
54
00:02:19,741 --> 00:02:23,381
# I don't want to get older... #
55
00:02:23,421 --> 00:02:24,581
Ugh!
56
00:02:24,621 --> 00:02:26,261
Fuck off!
57
00:02:30,181 --> 00:02:33,821
# Give me batty on my lappy,
keep me working
58
00:02:33,861 --> 00:02:37,701
# Give me batty on my lappy,
I pray.
59
00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:41,221
# Give me batty on my lappy,
keep me happy
60
00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:44,501
# Keep me happy in the library... #
61
00:02:56,501 --> 00:02:57,741
PHONE BEEPS
62
00:02:57,781 --> 00:03:00,461
Fuck! Fuck, Danny, sh!
63
00:03:01,981 --> 00:03:05,581
It's Mark, I can't...
Wait, when will you be back?
64
00:03:05,621 --> 00:03:07,181
Hello? Danny boy,
65
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:08,941
your favourite criminal
has been released.
66
00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:10,661
Deirdre Rachid?
67
00:03:10,701 --> 00:03:12,821
They've let me out early
for being a good boy.
68
00:03:12,861 --> 00:03:15,741
Didn't even have to finger
none of the screws or nothing.
69
00:03:15,781 --> 00:03:18,501
You're joking! I bet Big Dave
on G Wing was gutted. Yeah!
70
00:03:18,541 --> 00:03:20,781
Where are you now?
I'm down in Margate, mate.
71
00:03:20,821 --> 00:03:23,381
Listen, I've got
a little proposition for you.
72
00:03:23,421 --> 00:03:25,701
If you're asking me to sell drugs
along the promenade with you,
73
00:03:25,741 --> 00:03:27,621
it's a big no. No!
74
00:03:27,661 --> 00:03:30,821
I'm on the straight and narrow now,
Dan, proper, all right?
75
00:03:30,861 --> 00:03:33,581
I'm looking at a nice little
two-bed flat by the sea,
76
00:03:33,621 --> 00:03:35,181
and so I was thinking,
in a couple of months,
77
00:03:35,221 --> 00:03:38,661
when you're done with uni and that,
you can come and live with me, Dan,
78
00:03:38,701 --> 00:03:40,621
make our teenage dream come true,
son.
79
00:03:40,661 --> 00:03:43,141
Mate, I don't know.
80
00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:46,421
Oh, Come on, look,
I can help you look after Nan,
81
00:03:46,461 --> 00:03:48,821
and we can sort of figure out
what...
82
00:03:48,861 --> 00:03:51,021
what we want to do with that
and, erm...
83
00:03:52,021 --> 00:03:56,341
..and, yeah, mate, be the fucking...
Del Boy and Rodders of Thanet again.
84
00:03:56,381 --> 00:03:59,541
Yeah, but, mate, I've sort of
built my life round here now.
85
00:03:59,581 --> 00:04:02,061
Yeah, but London's a bit expensive,
innit?
86
00:04:02,101 --> 00:04:04,461
And it's not home home, is it, Dan?
87
00:04:04,501 --> 00:04:06,381
Like, we're Kent bods, mate,
all right?
88
00:04:06,421 --> 00:04:09,821
You can take us out of Kent, but you
can't take Kent the out of us, Dan.
89
00:04:09,861 --> 00:04:11,141
Yeah, sadly.
90
00:04:11,181 --> 00:04:14,661
Look, I'm sorry Mark, but...
this is where I'm really happy.
91
00:04:14,701 --> 00:04:15,981
Yeah, mate?
92
00:04:17,381 --> 00:04:21,901
All right, mate, well...
yeah, no, it's just an idea, innit?
93
00:04:21,941 --> 00:04:24,501
I just think... It's all right,
mate, it's all right, I'll, erm...
94
00:04:25,941 --> 00:04:29,541
I'll be all right, Dan,
I'm...good as gold mate, erm...
95
00:04:31,581 --> 00:04:33,621
Yeah, listen,
I've just got to go mate.
96
00:04:33,661 --> 00:04:35,821
One sec, someone's just ringing me.
Love you, mate.
97
00:04:37,741 --> 00:04:41,501
# I love to look... #
98
00:04:41,541 --> 00:04:43,861
You'd waited four years
for him to come out,
99
00:04:43,901 --> 00:04:45,581
and then when he did,
100
00:04:45,621 --> 00:04:48,261
you felt you'd put the distance
right back.
101
00:04:48,301 --> 00:04:53,221
And soon enough, Mark just stopped
replying to any of your messages.
102
00:04:56,861 --> 00:04:58,141
HE SIGHS
103
00:04:58,181 --> 00:04:59,461
Erm..
104
00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:02,261
Not to pester but, erm...
105
00:05:03,701 --> 00:05:04,781
..the sex?
106
00:05:05,901 --> 00:05:07,821
We can't. Yes, we can.
107
00:05:07,861 --> 00:05:10,381
No, come on, leave it. OK.
108
00:05:10,421 --> 00:05:13,581
Well, maybe tonight?
Cos it's been a while since we...
109
00:05:13,621 --> 00:05:16,341
I know. Yeah. Yeah, later.
110
00:05:18,181 --> 00:05:19,501
OK.
111
00:05:19,541 --> 00:05:21,381
# A dozen men
112
00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:27,141
# 30 days with 24 hours in each
113
00:05:28,381 --> 00:05:31,781
# Of shattered boyhood dreams... #
114
00:05:31,821 --> 00:05:35,741
# Happy birthday to you
115
00:05:35,781 --> 00:05:39,421
# Happy birthday to... #
Shh!
116
00:05:39,461 --> 00:05:41,141
Oh, poo!
117
00:05:41,181 --> 00:05:43,661
I forgot you can't be loud
in the library.
118
00:05:43,701 --> 00:05:46,061
Thanks, guys.
Just quickly before I forget,
119
00:05:46,101 --> 00:05:49,821
you all have to stop singing
Batty On My Lappy.
120
00:05:49,861 --> 00:05:52,541
Because someone
has complained about it.
121
00:05:52,581 --> 00:05:55,781
ALARM RINGS
Oh, my God! Is there a fire?
122
00:05:55,821 --> 00:05:58,101
It's cos I can't hear!
Is it the fire alarm? Yes!
123
00:05:58,141 --> 00:06:00,221
I can't hear it, I can't hear it!
124
00:06:00,261 --> 00:06:02,501
I don't if there's a drill,
I'll find out!
125
00:06:02,541 --> 00:06:04,821
Who's in ch... I'm in charge,
I'm in cha...!
126
00:06:07,141 --> 00:06:10,261
So... Thank you.
127
00:06:15,221 --> 00:06:18,421
Happy Mother's Day, Mum!
128
00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:20,021
Nan!
129
00:06:20,061 --> 00:06:21,181
Oh!
130
00:06:21,221 --> 00:06:23,221
And Shan!
131
00:06:23,261 --> 00:06:26,381
Mwah!
Dark chocolate always helps me go.
132
00:06:26,421 --> 00:06:29,701
It's a bit better than that Mother's
Day present a couple years ago.
133
00:06:29,741 --> 00:06:32,941
What? We don't talk about that,
Shannon.
134
00:06:32,981 --> 00:06:36,221
Oh, my God! So the first
Mother's Day after Laurie dies,
135
00:06:36,261 --> 00:06:40,261
Jack takes us to be in the live
studio audience of Dancing On Ice.
136
00:06:40,301 --> 00:06:42,261
Nice! It's a total palaver.
137
00:06:42,301 --> 00:06:45,381
We arrived late, no-one could
sit together, Nan leaves.
138
00:06:45,421 --> 00:06:48,061
I find Torvill and Dean
have a very, very dark energy.
139
00:06:48,101 --> 00:06:50,741
And Pegs is sat next to this woman,
aren't you?
140
00:06:50,781 --> 00:06:52,341
Who she sort of recognises...
141
00:06:52,381 --> 00:06:54,621
I just couldn't put
my finger on it.
142
00:06:54,661 --> 00:06:57,141
No, but when the camera
came round, right,
143
00:06:57,181 --> 00:06:59,821
the whole audience claps
for this woman,
144
00:06:59,861 --> 00:07:03,861
and then we suddenly realised
she was the mother
145
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:06,061
of a recently drowned child!
146
00:07:06,101 --> 00:07:08,421
SHE LAUGHS
147
00:07:09,861 --> 00:07:13,821
Oh, my God! It was so funny!
148
00:07:15,621 --> 00:07:18,781
Oh, I'm sorry but come...on.
149
00:07:18,821 --> 00:07:20,421
It was funny.
150
00:07:21,461 --> 00:07:23,021
I actually heard from my mum today.
151
00:07:23,061 --> 00:07:24,861
Same.
152
00:07:24,901 --> 00:07:26,701
She's over from Oz in May.
153
00:07:26,741 --> 00:07:29,381
Yeah, so we're going to have
a really big first birthday
154
00:07:29,421 --> 00:07:32,181
for Lauren-Sienna
on the 14th of May.
155
00:07:32,221 --> 00:07:34,861
It's Eurovision -
only thing we have in common.
156
00:07:34,901 --> 00:07:37,661
So if you can please co-ordinate
your sweepstake,
157
00:07:37,701 --> 00:07:39,501
invite your mates, yeah.
158
00:07:39,541 --> 00:07:41,221
Shan, don't keep your hopes up,
159
00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:46,381
because Eileen might postpone, like
she has done the last six times.
160
00:07:47,541 --> 00:07:49,101
No, she won't.
161
00:07:50,541 --> 00:07:52,221
She won't.
162
00:07:52,261 --> 00:07:54,541
I know what she's like...
163
00:07:55,621 --> 00:07:57,341
..but she's not going to
let me down.
164
00:07:59,861 --> 00:08:01,941
# Daniel
165
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,941
# When I first saw you
166
00:08:04,981 --> 00:08:08,341
# I knew that you had
167
00:08:08,381 --> 00:08:11,861
# A flame in your heart... #
168
00:08:12,981 --> 00:08:14,181
Can I help?
169
00:08:14,221 --> 00:08:16,101
No.
170
00:08:16,141 --> 00:08:18,341
No, sorry.
171
00:08:18,381 --> 00:08:19,901
It's OK.
172
00:08:19,941 --> 00:08:22,621
# I found a home in your eyes
173
00:08:22,661 --> 00:08:27,061
# We'd never be apart... #
174
00:08:27,101 --> 00:08:29,501
Like, I just keep telling myself
175
00:08:29,541 --> 00:08:32,741
that when he's on good form,
he's the best boyfriend,
176
00:08:32,781 --> 00:08:35,741
but...when he's not,
I just lose him.
177
00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:38,101
You're doing all you can.
178
00:08:41,061 --> 00:08:42,621
I'm going to give it a year.
179
00:08:42,661 --> 00:08:44,541
Stay in London.
180
00:08:44,581 --> 00:08:47,701
I'm just going to look for
a paid internship or...
181
00:08:47,741 --> 00:08:49,501
..a job to get me by.
182
00:08:52,461 --> 00:08:53,941
OK.
183
00:08:53,981 --> 00:08:56,461
I will withdraw
your masters application.
184
00:08:58,061 --> 00:09:01,341
But I will say
your dissertation reads boring
185
00:09:01,381 --> 00:09:03,661
so interview some real women,
please.
186
00:09:03,701 --> 00:09:06,661
# And when the fires came... #
187
00:09:06,701 --> 00:09:09,301
So whilst you and Corinne
continued to drift,
188
00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:11,701
I was busy shagging
half of campus.
189
00:09:11,741 --> 00:09:14,861
Cos when you're doing
your dissertation on anal,
190
00:09:14,901 --> 00:09:18,301
it requires a very practical
set of research.
191
00:09:18,341 --> 00:09:20,701
Let's do roleplay.
192
00:09:20,741 --> 00:09:23,621
Live-action roleplay...
193
00:09:30,541 --> 00:09:32,261
You're fast at that.
194
00:09:35,461 --> 00:09:37,221
Why are you wearing that?!
195
00:09:37,261 --> 00:09:38,661
I'm cheering on England tonight.
196
00:09:38,701 --> 00:09:41,981
We're in Eurovision as
United Kingdom.
197
00:09:42,021 --> 00:09:43,861
They're Welsh.
198
00:09:43,901 --> 00:09:47,901
I just love that our act's called
Joe and Jake, you know? So chill.
199
00:09:47,941 --> 00:09:49,941
I mean the song's a bit shit,
all the songs are shite.
200
00:09:49,981 --> 00:09:52,981
Danny, Eurovision's my culture.
201
00:09:53,021 --> 00:09:55,301
I learnt about footballers for you.
202
00:09:55,341 --> 00:09:58,301
I know who Hector...Bellerin is.
203
00:09:58,341 --> 00:10:00,741
Hector Bellerin, I didn't even
tell you about him anyway,
204
00:10:00,781 --> 00:10:02,981
I don't even support Arsenal,
you just fancy him.
205
00:10:03,021 --> 00:10:05,501
Well, I know that he's...
206
00:10:05,541 --> 00:10:06,941
..right wing?
207
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,701
Right-back, Jack.
208
00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:11,941
Or wing-back.
I don't know about his politics.
209
00:10:17,301 --> 00:10:20,741
If Mum doesn't show up, I'm going to
stop sending baby pics on FaceyB.
210
00:10:20,781 --> 00:10:23,781
Hey, remember what they said to you
on the This Morning phone-in.
211
00:10:23,821 --> 00:10:26,301
GEORDIE ACCENT:
"Don't use your baby as a weapon"!
212
00:10:26,341 --> 00:10:29,741
Well, I'll weaponise my baby
whenever I like, thank you, Denise.
213
00:10:29,781 --> 00:10:31,541
Russell's doing well, isn't he?
214
00:10:31,581 --> 00:10:33,621
Is it awkward with him
and Auntie Peggy?
215
00:10:33,661 --> 00:10:35,301
Yeah, they're just friends.
216
00:10:35,341 --> 00:10:37,901
They just get a bit lonely sometimes
and want some company.
217
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:40,821
But I did say to her, I was like,
"Pegs, if you want to do a U-turn,
218
00:10:40,861 --> 00:10:43,301
"then we've got loads of lube
and johnnies that she can use,
219
00:10:43,341 --> 00:10:45,981
"cos we don't need them any more."
Could we maybe...
220
00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:48,221
Do you want to keep the lube?
Yeah. Fine, I'll tell her.
221
00:10:49,741 --> 00:10:51,981
DOORBELL
222
00:10:54,141 --> 00:10:55,981
Do I look all right?
223
00:10:56,021 --> 00:10:57,421
Fit MILF!
224
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:00,581
Thank you.
225
00:11:06,621 --> 00:11:08,301
Hi, Mum! Yeah, hiya.
226
00:11:08,341 --> 00:11:09,781
Take that.
227
00:11:09,821 --> 00:11:11,741
Oh, thanks. What's that, then?
228
00:11:11,781 --> 00:11:13,381
It's my Shloer.
229
00:11:13,421 --> 00:11:16,021
Shloer?
Yeah, Shloer, it's all I drink.
230
00:11:16,061 --> 00:11:18,781
Oh, right, I don't think
I've ever tried Shloer.
231
00:11:18,821 --> 00:11:21,541
All right, well, you can have
a sip of my Shloer if you like.
232
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:23,821
Thanks.
233
00:11:23,861 --> 00:11:26,261
OK, come on, I can't be standing
out here like a Lib Dem.
234
00:11:26,301 --> 00:11:28,861
Sorry, yeah, come in, yeah.
You look really good.
235
00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:30,541
Yeah, I know.
236
00:11:30,581 --> 00:11:33,501
There's a sugar free one in there.
You could try that.
237
00:11:35,661 --> 00:11:37,101
Nice to see you, Mum.
238
00:11:44,941 --> 00:11:46,461
Will you give it a rest?
239
00:11:46,501 --> 00:11:48,821
You can't be dissertationing
at a party, it's rude.
240
00:11:48,861 --> 00:11:50,261
Is it?
241
00:11:50,301 --> 00:11:52,821
Look, I've 3,000 words left
and the deadline's days away, so.
242
00:11:52,861 --> 00:11:55,421
Well, I re-started
my dissertation last month,
243
00:11:55,461 --> 00:11:59,141
so I've got 20,000 words left
and I'm still having a day off.
244
00:11:59,181 --> 00:12:02,141
What? You restarted?!
Danny, why didn't you tell me?
245
00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:04,181
Cos you're not my mum.
246
00:12:06,741 --> 00:12:08,981
PHONE BUZZES
247
00:12:15,741 --> 00:12:19,541
Shan, yeah, I mean, don't take
this personally or anything,
248
00:12:19,581 --> 00:12:21,381
cos when all's said and done
at the end of the day,
249
00:12:21,421 --> 00:12:24,581
I'm just telling it how it is
cos that is just me all over. Yeah.
250
00:12:25,981 --> 00:12:28,061
But he's really handsome.
251
00:12:29,181 --> 00:12:31,701
Yeah, he's lovely. Yeah.
252
00:12:31,741 --> 00:12:32,821
He's lovely.
253
00:12:33,901 --> 00:12:35,701
Yeah, he's lovely.
254
00:12:35,741 --> 00:12:38,701
Do you ever think about that?
Yeah, sometimes. What do you mean?
255
00:12:38,741 --> 00:12:42,301
Nothing, just...you know, it's...
256
00:12:42,341 --> 00:12:44,501
Yeah, no, I know, he's fit.
257
00:12:44,541 --> 00:12:45,901
Stoic.
258
00:12:45,941 --> 00:12:48,381
A lot like the bloke.
259
00:12:48,421 --> 00:12:50,941
How are you doing Jack?
With your degree?
260
00:12:50,981 --> 00:12:52,541
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
261
00:12:52,581 --> 00:12:54,461
I could've gone to uni,
I'm clever enough,
262
00:12:54,501 --> 00:12:57,301
but just my family was
disgustingly poor, so.
263
00:12:57,341 --> 00:13:01,021
Thankfully, I'm now just about to
buy a six-bedroom townhouse
264
00:13:01,061 --> 00:13:04,061
with a swimming pool shaped
like a mermaid's tail.
265
00:13:04,101 --> 00:13:06,061
But in Australia, so.
266
00:13:16,821 --> 00:13:18,741
So thanks for agreeing to talk to me
267
00:13:18,781 --> 00:13:20,661
about what makes
a successful woman.
268
00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:23,301
So, just for the record,
could you please state your name?
269
00:13:23,341 --> 00:13:25,181
Oh, er...
270
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:26,461
Nan.
271
00:13:26,501 --> 00:13:28,581
No, like your full name.
272
00:13:28,621 --> 00:13:31,981
Oh, Nanny Bingo.
273
00:13:32,021 --> 00:13:33,941
No, like your proper name?
274
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:37,021
Oh, er, Shannon.
275
00:13:37,061 --> 00:13:38,501
Your name is Shannon? Shannon.
276
00:13:38,541 --> 00:13:41,501
Interviewing successful women,
are we?
277
00:13:41,541 --> 00:13:44,261
Because I have actually
been consistently voted
278
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:47,101
one of the best Weight Watchers
group leaders
279
00:13:47,141 --> 00:13:49,381
in the whole of south-west Australia
so...
280
00:13:49,421 --> 00:13:52,461
Oh, no babe, no,
I think Weight Watchers is a cult
281
00:13:52,501 --> 00:13:56,021
forcing people to boil down their
nutrition into numerical mind-games
282
00:13:56,061 --> 00:13:57,981
whilst creating
a long-term profit strategy
283
00:13:58,021 --> 00:14:01,261
feeding off of women's self-hatred,
so, no.
284
00:14:03,221 --> 00:14:05,341
Well, I mostly have men in my groups
anyway,
285
00:14:05,381 --> 00:14:07,301
cos I find them a bit less whingy.
286
00:14:07,341 --> 00:14:11,381
Why don't you interview
my successful daughter?
287
00:14:11,421 --> 00:14:13,541
Apparently she's a party planner.
288
00:14:13,581 --> 00:14:15,301
Fuck's sake!
289
00:14:17,101 --> 00:14:18,781
Excuse me. Oh.
290
00:14:37,581 --> 00:14:42,101
Your mum's lovely,
but she keeps calling me Stoic.
291
00:14:43,901 --> 00:14:45,461
My name's Tariq.
292
00:14:45,501 --> 00:14:47,421
# But it's not quite right
293
00:14:53,301 --> 00:14:55,381
# And this real
294
00:14:57,261 --> 00:15:02,141
# It's impossible if possible
at whose blind word
295
00:15:03,461 --> 00:15:06,621
# So clear but so unheard... #
296
00:15:09,301 --> 00:15:13,541
TV: ..Switch off for the TV viewers,
we're going to cut in live,
297
00:15:13,581 --> 00:15:16,101
and we're going to have
like a dance party in here!
298
00:15:16,141 --> 00:15:19,981
Yeah, we're gonna have
a dance party in here!
299
00:15:21,781 --> 00:15:23,741
Hey.
300
00:15:23,781 --> 00:15:26,341
Do you want a drink? No, thank you.
301
00:15:26,381 --> 00:15:28,021
How many have you had?
302
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:29,541
Oh, don't.
303
00:15:40,341 --> 00:15:41,701
Er...
304
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:46,021
Is there anything here that isn't
like cheap ultra-processed meat?
305
00:15:46,061 --> 00:15:49,701
I'm not eating anything
that once had a face
306
00:15:49,741 --> 00:15:52,101
but has been reconstituted
into another face.
307
00:15:53,581 --> 00:15:55,421
All right.
308
00:15:55,461 --> 00:16:03,421
Careful, Shannon -
leave some for everyone else!
309
00:16:09,181 --> 00:16:11,221
Shan.
310
00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:13,101
Yeah?
311
00:16:13,141 --> 00:16:15,221
Can I say something,
312
00:16:15,261 --> 00:16:18,621
and you promise you'll forgive me
whatever I say?
313
00:16:18,661 --> 00:16:19,781
Yeah.
314
00:16:19,821 --> 00:16:23,701
Eileen has always been
and continues to be
315
00:16:23,741 --> 00:16:27,261
a small-minded, ignorant,
spiteful little prick.
316
00:16:29,141 --> 00:16:32,421
She left you at 11.
317
00:16:33,821 --> 00:16:35,181
She's weak.
318
00:16:36,581 --> 00:16:38,461
But you, Shan...
319
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:42,661
..you're brave and funny
and gorgeous,
320
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:45,581
and despite how hard you've found it
having a baby,
321
00:16:45,621 --> 00:16:47,781
you're having another.
322
00:16:47,821 --> 00:16:50,381
Cos you're making a beautiful family
for yourself.
323
00:16:50,421 --> 00:16:54,061
And she will always be
a stupid fucking cow.
324
00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:57,381
In Australia.
325
00:17:01,141 --> 00:17:02,221
Yeah.
326
00:17:07,261 --> 00:17:08,421
Peggy...
327
00:17:10,181 --> 00:17:12,061
I think of you like my mum.
328
00:17:13,421 --> 00:17:15,141
You're like my mum, really.
329
00:17:16,621 --> 00:17:20,701
And like even with everything you've
been through with Uncle Laurie,
330
00:17:20,741 --> 00:17:23,221
and like...
331
00:17:23,261 --> 00:17:26,941
..getting your Facebook hacked loads
by those Russian bots,
332
00:17:26,981 --> 00:17:28,461
it's just like...
333
00:17:30,741 --> 00:17:33,101
..you've always been there for me.
334
00:17:34,741 --> 00:17:36,981
So I just...I really love you, OK?
335
00:17:40,741 --> 00:17:42,181
Yep. Yeah.
336
00:17:44,101 --> 00:17:46,461
TV: ..To Sweden!
337
00:17:46,501 --> 00:17:48,661
Ah, sorry, Russell.
338
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:51,741
Well, they sounded like the foxes
who shag behind my bins.
339
00:17:51,781 --> 00:17:52,901
LAUGHTER
340
00:17:52,941 --> 00:17:54,101
It's all political anyway.
341
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:58,101
We're not getting fuck all votes
from no-one. They hate us, the EU.
342
00:17:58,141 --> 00:17:59,861
This Brexit vote next month,
343
00:17:59,901 --> 00:18:02,381
I wish I was staying longer
to vote us out.
344
00:18:02,421 --> 00:18:06,461
Ah, I suppose you're all Team Remain
in this gaff.
345
00:18:06,501 --> 00:18:09,021
I'm not. What? What?
346
00:18:09,061 --> 00:18:11,861
Well, I'm thinking about it.
347
00:18:11,901 --> 00:18:14,061
All right? I'm from Thanet in Kent.
348
00:18:14,101 --> 00:18:16,901
No-one gives a shit about our lot
whether we're in the EU or not.
349
00:18:16,941 --> 00:18:19,701
We're just a fucking gateway.
350
00:18:19,741 --> 00:18:22,981
Thanet's not the reason
to leave the whole of the EU, Danny.
351
00:18:23,021 --> 00:18:24,821
Well, you would say that,
wouldn't you?
352
00:18:24,861 --> 00:18:27,621
You got it cushty, you're sort of
ex-working class, anyway.
353
00:18:27,661 --> 00:18:31,101
Nice gaff.
I mean, you write sodding poems!
354
00:18:31,141 --> 00:18:34,421
OK, come on, this is Eurovision,
it's supposed to be about...
355
00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:36,221
..peace and unity.
PHONE BUZZES
356
00:18:36,261 --> 00:18:37,421
And sequins.
357
00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:49,221
Can you come upstairs with me,
please?
358
00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:51,021
I don't want to.
359
00:18:51,061 --> 00:18:53,461
Please. I said I don't want to.
360
00:18:53,501 --> 00:18:55,861
Take my hand and
come upstairs with me, Danny.
361
00:18:57,461 --> 00:18:58,821
Come on.
362
00:19:08,941 --> 00:19:10,701
Why are you ignoring
these calls, pal?
363
00:19:10,741 --> 00:19:12,101
I don't know, Corinne.
364
00:19:15,101 --> 00:19:17,141
I don't want to know.
365
00:19:17,181 --> 00:19:18,261
OK.
366
00:19:20,181 --> 00:19:22,301
You're going to down this water.
367
00:19:22,341 --> 00:19:24,701
Danny, look at me.
368
00:19:24,741 --> 00:19:27,141
You're going to down this water,
369
00:19:27,181 --> 00:19:29,261
and I'm going to call them.
370
00:19:29,301 --> 00:19:30,501
OK?
371
00:19:31,621 --> 00:19:32,861
OK.
372
00:19:37,461 --> 00:19:39,701
No. Give it here, I'll do it.
373
00:19:40,741 --> 00:19:41,741
Are you...? Yeah.
374
00:19:49,381 --> 00:19:53,421
Where have you two been?
Having a laugh! Oh, joking.
375
00:19:53,461 --> 00:19:56,141
In the kitchen,
just having a biscuit.
376
00:19:56,181 --> 00:19:57,941
Well, we're only watching this crap
cos of you.
377
00:19:57,981 --> 00:20:00,301
Maybe if you weren't here,
I'd be sat in here watching it.
378
00:20:00,341 --> 00:20:02,221
Oh, here we go.
379
00:20:02,261 --> 00:20:05,981
Do you know what, Eileen, you are
so spiteful when you've had a drink.
380
00:20:06,021 --> 00:20:07,741
I'm on Shloer.
381
00:20:07,781 --> 00:20:09,341
I don't know what Shloer is!
382
00:20:09,381 --> 00:20:11,701
I don't know what it is!
Does that make me a bad person?
383
00:20:11,741 --> 00:20:13,301
Does that make me an idiot, does it?
384
00:20:13,341 --> 00:20:15,781
Does it mean
you should constantly neg me
385
00:20:15,821 --> 00:20:17,821
when you haven't seen me in years?!
386
00:20:17,861 --> 00:20:20,341
All right, don't Shloer your words!
Stop!
387
00:20:23,741 --> 00:20:25,301
Right, so...
388
00:20:26,341 --> 00:20:28,821
..it's either Ukraine or Australia.
389
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:30,181
PHONE BUZZES
390
00:20:30,221 --> 00:20:34,821
So it's Tariq or..
Eileen who could win.
391
00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:40,701
Wouldn't it be funny if
Australia wins the Eurovision? Hmm!
392
00:20:44,861 --> 00:20:47,701
Just booked a job, Pegs.
Yeah. See you in a bit, yeah?
393
00:20:50,581 --> 00:20:53,141
I've got to go and see Nan now. OK.
394
00:20:53,181 --> 00:20:56,541
Um...I don't want anyone knowing,
all right?
395
00:20:56,581 --> 00:20:59,261
I'm just going to go, like slip out
and get the train to Margate, yeah?
396
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:02,741
Yeah, no, that's fine.
Let's get our stuff, yeah?
397
00:21:08,541 --> 00:21:11,141
TV: Eurovision Song Contest 2016!
398
00:21:11,181 --> 00:21:14,581
THEY CHEER
Congrats, Tariq!
399
00:21:14,621 --> 00:21:15,941
Here's your winnings.
400
00:21:15,981 --> 00:21:19,421
No, you're all right.
Give them all to Eileen.
401
00:21:22,261 --> 00:21:24,181
What?
402
00:21:24,221 --> 00:21:26,981
I'd like you to leave
my daughter's birthday, please.
403
00:21:27,021 --> 00:21:29,581
I've booked Russell's mini-cab
to take you away.
404
00:21:30,621 --> 00:21:33,421
And I'd like you to apologise
to Shannon.
405
00:21:33,461 --> 00:21:34,901
See, all night you've just been...
406
00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:39,341
..chipping away,
and I'm not having it.
407
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:41,821
I'm not having anyone
upset my fiancee.
408
00:21:41,861 --> 00:21:42,941
What?
409
00:21:45,501 --> 00:21:47,661
Sugar, I was supposed
to do that bit first.
410
00:21:48,781 --> 00:21:49,861
Er...
411
00:21:49,901 --> 00:21:51,261
Just one second.
412
00:21:52,941 --> 00:21:55,501
Er, yeah.
413
00:21:58,221 --> 00:21:59,541
Shan...
414
00:22:00,981 --> 00:22:02,301
..will you m...? No.
415
00:22:02,341 --> 00:22:03,821
Oh.
416
00:22:03,861 --> 00:22:06,741
No, no, as in...
no, don't do the knee thing,
417
00:22:06,781 --> 00:22:09,181
cos you being smaller than me
gives me the ick.
418
00:22:09,221 --> 00:22:10,781
Stand up straight, baby,
stand up straight.
419
00:22:13,781 --> 00:22:14,821
Shan...
420
00:22:16,181 --> 00:22:17,181
..will you marry...? Oh!
421
00:22:20,701 --> 00:22:22,381
Yeah!
422
00:22:23,861 --> 00:22:26,141
Yeah? Yeah! Yeah!
423
00:22:27,381 --> 00:22:29,181
Put it on my finger.
424
00:22:29,221 --> 00:22:32,021
Oh, my God, I love it!
425
00:22:32,061 --> 00:22:33,821
Sorry, pardon me, everyone.
426
00:22:33,861 --> 00:22:37,621
I've just got to, erm...
give Lauren the good news.
427
00:22:37,661 --> 00:22:39,101
I love you. I love you too.
428
00:22:39,141 --> 00:22:42,141
Oh, my God, Peggy!
429
00:22:42,181 --> 00:22:45,421
Let's have a look! Oh...!
430
00:22:55,341 --> 00:22:56,501
Look...
431
00:22:56,541 --> 00:22:59,101
No, I think just, erm...
432
00:23:00,781 --> 00:23:02,941
I'm just going to go.
433
00:23:02,981 --> 00:23:05,941
What? You can't go on your own.
I'm sorry.
434
00:23:05,981 --> 00:23:07,861
I love you so much,
435
00:23:07,901 --> 00:23:09,901
so much, but I can't...
436
00:23:11,621 --> 00:23:13,701
..I can't do this with us together.
437
00:23:15,021 --> 00:23:18,181
Come on, I know you're stru...
I can't have you be a part of this.
438
00:23:21,421 --> 00:23:23,581
Not when I've been treating you
like this, all right?
439
00:23:23,621 --> 00:23:25,141
You don't deserve that.
440
00:23:25,181 --> 00:23:28,501
But you're struggling and I'm here.
I'm sorry.
441
00:23:30,381 --> 00:23:32,501
Please just go inside, please.
442
00:23:37,141 --> 00:23:38,221
Are y...
443
00:23:40,701 --> 00:23:42,141
Are you breaking up with me?
444
00:23:44,261 --> 00:23:45,381
I'm sorry.
445
00:24:10,701 --> 00:24:13,421
MUSIC: I'm Shy
by Self Esteem
446
00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:21,141
EXCITED VOICES
447
00:24:25,421 --> 00:24:27,821
# Take mine
448
00:24:27,861 --> 00:24:30,661
# Did everything you wanted,
did it all
449
00:24:32,421 --> 00:24:37,141
# And I'm fine leaving it friendly
without ever knowing all
450
00:24:37,181 --> 00:24:39,741
# But I had decided
451
00:24:39,781 --> 00:24:43,101
# I was sure you over all of them
452
00:24:43,141 --> 00:24:46,701
# You over all, I had decided
453
00:24:46,741 --> 00:24:49,501
# I was sure you over all of them
454
00:24:49,541 --> 00:24:50,741
# You over all
455
00:24:50,781 --> 00:24:53,221
# And every single time
I got something to say... #
456
00:24:53,261 --> 00:24:55,941
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