Original subtitles

Trigger warning - this ep does pertain to a period of my past.

I have since expressed immense personal regret.

Otherwise known as the time I tried to be a poet.

# MC am I people call me Uff

# When I rock the party you bust a nut

# Feadz is breaking out the beat

# Shit be hotter than me

# Me and he our crew's a militia

# Better watch out my clan gets... #

MUSIC: Perfect 10 By The Beautiful South

Sometimes my songs would cut out

because I'd stupidly linked my Spotify to my mum's Amazon Alexa.

Alexa, turn the volume up by three.

Thanks, hon.

She'd always be asking for a song I knew reminded her of dad,

so I'd let her hijack my Spotify

to remember him, cos I'm nice

and I was too tight to pay for a premium family account.

Oh, Jack!

I'm so excited to start my day with you.

Aw, are you?

No, of course not. Why are you wearing a beret?

I'm just tryin' somethin' out.

Can't you try meow meow or PureGym, like the rest of the kids your age?

Well, I'm figuring out who I am.

Oh, I see. Final year panic, is it?

The big bad world awaits and suddenly you realise

you need "a thing" to be noticeable, to be employable.

But sadly, Jack...

..in your quest for individuality you have committed the cardinal sin.

What? You've become pretentious.

No, I haven't.

What you holding?

A sustainable coffee cup,

a copy of the New Yorker

and a new Muji notebook for my...

..poetry.

HE SUCKS IN AIR

QUIET MURMURING

Welcome all.

My name is Bamboo Armitage

and you, creative writing comrades,

have chosen this eight-week spoken-word course

to find your voice. Because your voice is important.

Not as important as my voice

but hopefully it'll be a bit more important

than it was before.

And with that importance,

this course will culminate in a sharing of our voices,

as we tell our urgent,

vital and our-thentic truths,

which ultimately...

..it's important.

And this was where I first got hooked on big fat lines

of poetry.

# The pop the Glock, the Glock you pop

# Pop the Glock, the pop the Glock

# The pop the Glock

# The Glock you pop. #

What the actual fuck?

That boy has started taking himself very seriously.

Look, I've seen this all before.

Someone, they start writing poems, and all of a sudden it's,

"Oh, come to my spoken word gig."

"Ooh, come to my one-man show."

"Ooh, please, no, no, come to a mouldy ramshackle arts space

"in the arse-end of nowhere, I've made a play about my dead dad."

Oh! It's terrifying.

I'm serious, right? We need to nip this in the bud now.

Oh, stop it!

I'm excited to see his spoken word showcase tomorrow.

Although has anyone actually heard any of his poems?

Yeah, I've read some. Look, they're decent, but

I don't know why he's got to be such a wanker about it.

Why can't he do something cool, like learn to DJ.

One man's DJ is another man's wanker, Danny.

WHISPERS: Sh, he's coming.

Guys, Tim's just accused me of becoming pretentious.

Yeah, I'm glad someone's finally told you.

I'm not pretentious. You are a poet, all of a sudden.

Yeah, and you've stopped watching X Factor.

Well, they've replaced Louis with Rita Ora.

What?! Urgh!

This country has gone to pot!

Honestly!

Like, first it's Clarkson off Top Gear,

Walsh is off X Factor. I'm telling ya,

Phillip Schofield's going to be off This Morning before we know it.

Jack, can I borrow you, please?

Can you not stress everyone out? I'm telling them today.

Oh, finally. You've had three months,

and the secrets and the lies are killing me.

Thank God I've had writing my truth as an outlet.

Sh.

I want to tell them before your poetry gig tomorrow,

when they'll be really depressed.

How dare you? Look, telling them is a big deal for me.

And also, I can't come to tomorrow because...

..well, honestly, I don't want to, but, also...

..I leave Saturday.

Saturday. Yemi, what?

I've found somewhere to live.

So can you please try to be happy for me

and I will try to support your descent into the spoken word.

OK.

Come on.

What's wrong?

Two words.

Anoushka Delafonte says I need to take a pregnancy test - again!

Ffff! Urgh!

I knew I looked too sexy at Halloween.

I have literally gone out

and bought three bottles of Mint Baileys for Crimbo.

I can't drink a drop now. It's an absolute farce.

Stay calm. No, I am supposed to be launching

ShanAndNanIgans Party Planners L-T-D Incorporated

in Q2 of 2K16, Peggy.

SHE SIGHS I've kind of found it hard enough

with one baby. I know doll, but you've done so well.

Oh, fuck! Fuck!

I literally went to the charity shop yesterday,

I've given away all my baby and maternity clothes.

That's 400 quid down the drain.

I'm not even a charitable person, Peggy. Do you know?

I just needed space for my crushed velvet ottoman.

Ooh, let's see?

Dunelm? Dunelm.

Oh, Tariq's going to go insane.

He's going to flip his lid.

He won't be angry, loves.

Precisely.

He's going to be buzzing off his tits about it,

Peggy. He loves it. He loves all this,

he loves prams and nappies and Ella's Kitchen.

Right, first things first,

I've got to get back down that chazza shop.

I've got to get all that shit right back.

You can't do that, Shan.

I know I can't.

Well, I shouldn't be driving, not in my condition.

You just drove here! Yes, but I wasn't pregnant then, was I?

GONG CHIMES

Thank you, Brigitte, for sageing the room.

Much appreciated.

My spoken word circle were a mixed bag,

so I started taking notes on them. There was...

So you're telling me, Di and Dodi died in a tunnel?

Ha! You must be 'avin' a bubble!

She were trouble, can't you see?

Potentially pregnant with a baby.

She was a threat to our great monarchy.

And as waves hit the tips of my breasts,

covered in sulphur,

my dreams pickled in vinegar.

So we roll.

Two's up, I say.

Love is love.

Hate is love misguided,

derided and spat out of lips that just need...

HE BREATHES

..to be kissed.

Lucien was the main reason I stayed on this course

and the main reason I bought a seven-and-a-half inch beret

off eBay.

Wow. FINGERS SNAP

Now Jack.

WHISPER: Yeah.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

When I was 14...

Ooh. Nope.

I...started wrong, dude.

Shoulders back. perform that truth.

When I was 14...

No.

Erm...

It needs to feel

like whatever you're about to say

is coming from your authentic core.

IMITATING BAMBOO: When I was 14...

Yes! Boom.

Boom. That's it.

I don't need to hear you again until the sharing,

cos I know you've got it.

So as I got ready to bare my truth,

Yemi finally bared his.

Are you sure I can keep this?

I feel like Shirley Bassey.

Now come, sit, we need to talk.

I really hoped it was a phase, but I can't help my feelings any more.

Yems, are you coming out, cos...I sorta know, babe?

I'm less coming out... Hmm.

...and more...dropping out of uni.

SHE GASPS

I'm really happy for you, but I am going to miss ya.

Yeah, me too.

But, Yems, we've only a few months left.

I quit uni back in September.

You've been making me help you with your final year project!

I've been making bits for my Depop page.

I'll always be there for you, Danny.

I'm just... I'm just going to be in...

Paris?! He didn't tell me that.

God.

Urgh, it's all coming to an end, isn't it?

Hmm.

I'm sort of excited to escape London too.

Really? Yeah.

I miss Edinburgh.

And the only time I get to go back

is when fuck-face annoying show-offs from London

take over the city each summer with their shite plays.

You know Jack wants to take some of his poems

up there next year? He's part of the fuckin' problem!

Hey, I might do a play. Oh, stop it.

I feel like...you and me will be made long distance work.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you know, you go back for the summer,

I could stay down here,

find a little cheeky gaff for us two in London.

I could even, like, scout out for journalism jobs.

No, I'm...

I want to do a master's... in Edinburgh.

Ohhh.

OK.

Cool.

Yeah.

Hmmmm.

Could I live in Edinburgh?

No, Danny, just I'D move there.

I'll be 22. I want to have a final year of student life

in my home city, just getting pissed up,

before I solidly set my path to making the "30 under 30s" list.

Yeah.

I'll see you loads.

Hmm.

Hey, we...we don't have to talk about this now.

Yeah? Let's just...

Let's just be.

Oh, my God, OK, there's my bag.

Right, listen, you just grab it and go

and I'm just going to distract them by knocking something over

with my arse or something. No, I am not.

Go. Ask that woman there. She looks nice.

Just be polite. Go.

Good afternoon, madam. How are we today?

Fine, thank you.

Just doing our little bit in the daily fight against cancer.

Hmm, good, good.

Erm, so, yesterday I came in

and I made a cheeky little donaysh,

but, erm, stupidly I gave you clothes that I actually need back.

So that's...that's my bag there.

OK, well, yeah, you can take it.

Great, thank you.

Did you know, though, that one in two will now get cancer?

Will they really?

That's... That's awful.

Did you know that the government are doing little to reduce waiting times

for those needing treatment?

That doesn't surprise me, do you know,

because I've really starting to go right off David Cameron.

Him and Sam Cam have such thin lips

and it's just like never someone with thin lips!

People say I have thin lips.

No. Do they?

I don't know why they're saying that.

That's mad. You've got... lovely big luscious lips,

I thought, when I came in.

Children can get cancer too.

Er, 'scuse me. My niece needs these clothes

and she was being very generous,

so back off a little bit.

Sure. Thank you.

It's just a shame, because we need to sell clothes

in order to continue our vital research into cancer.

Well, you clearly didn't do your cancer research properly,

did you, love?

Else I wouldn't have had to bury my fucking husband!

You aggy little cunting bitchy fucking wanker!

Have that. Thank you.

Goodnight, goodnight.

SHE WAILS

Honestly, Pegs don't be upset.

It's Christmas.

You know, quite honestly, she WAS being

an aggy fucking nasty little manipulative bitch.

OK, so I've brought in

some newspaper cuttings.

I don't care. How's it all going?

Well, I'm thinking that my new topic is

no more page three -

a campaign to end the objectification of women

in the mainstream news media. No.

No? No. I want to know how your relationship is going.

I'd rather talk about my dissertation, please.

They're the same thing. They're certainly not.

Don't answer me back. They are identical projects

that you are pursuing.

At your age, everything is research. So tell me, how is it going?

I just feel anxious, like a lot.

Why?

Well, cos it's final year and she's talking about

master's courses and grad schemes and...

I just don't want to lose her.

And how does that make you feel?

Like I'm at uni to pursue stuff,

towards my own future, obviously. And we...

Both really love each other. I know we do.

And I don't want her to think that this is just some, like,

temporary uni thing, and then, like, Yemi's leaving

and there's the dissertation,

and it's made me panic that everything's coming to an end

and I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

Well, I don't know that feeling,

because I famously stayed on at Brent Uni for 13 years.

But...I mean, you'll be fine.

It's scary but you'll figure it.

Yeah. I just don't want to go back to Kent and make nothing of myself.

Well, believe it or not,

there are some people in Kent who are very happy and successful.

I mean, it's not loads but it's some.

I'm so sorry about earlier.

I just keep getting these texts from Russell and I just...

Peggy...

You've been ghosting him.

No, I haven't. I just haven't had the words to reply.

Have you gone off him since you watched his episode

of Come Dine With Me? No, but...

I think the edit really did him dirty there,

and I don't think he realised he was being that culturally insensitive.

I liked his hat. But it's mine and Laurie's 30-year anniversary

this Christmas and I'm just...

Sorta made me realise that...

..Russell ain't the one for me.

Yeah, well, that's OK.

I think that's why I sort of had a meltdown in the shop.

I'm in the real anger stage of grief maybe,

where I haven't got the time

for anyone's stupid fucking bullshit, you know?

OK, yeah.

But let's watch your language in front of Lauren, though,

Peggy, please, because they're very corruptible at that age.

GENTLE SNORING

PHONE BEEPS

BEEP

MUSIC PLAYS

INCOMING CALL BEEPS

INCOMING CALL BEEPS

Hi, Mum. You OK?

Did my song come through to you?

I'm sorry. I just needed a little pick-me-up.

Broke up with Russell last night.

Oh, no.

I just won't love him like I did your dad.

I'd rather be on me own than force it with the wrong bloke.

And now Shan's gone and you've gone,

I just think I need to find myself a bit, you know.

Of course.

So, I've booked a ticket

to go travelling round South America.

What?!

Kidding.

Nah, I'm going to bingo with Nan later.

Now, in case it goes badly tonight, do you want to read a poem of mine?

Nah.

There was a man from Harrow

Who tried to have sex with a sparrow

The sparrow said, "No, You can't have a go

"Cos the 'ole in my arse is too narrow."

HE ENDS CALL

Hello?

So, before my poetry reading, we had one more reading to go to.

Yemi's will.

To Jack, I leave sanitised and sterilised sexual paraphernalia

from my webcamming box.

Right, thank you, Yemi.

To Corinne, I leave my unexpired condoms and lube...

OK. Why?

WHISPERS: Cos your room's next to mine

and I haven't heard any action in weeks.

And to Danny...I leave all the stuff straight boys from Grindr

have left in my room.

OK, yeah, protein powder.

HE GASPS

A Caffe Nero loyalty card and it's nearly complete!

Nuts magazine?

Wow.

They just don't make quality print media like this any more, you know.

Yemi, we'll definitely come and visit

as soon as our dissos are done.

Yeah, yeah, and, like, we'll come in June

and we'll do FaceTime calls and...

Look...I love you all.

But we're gonna grow and find new friends,

other friends,

and that's OK.

I won't leave be leaving the Blue Shed WhatsApp group,

but I can't promise I won't put it on mute.

Yemi! You can't mute Blue Sheddies.

Friends, comrades,

I'm Bamboo Armitage.

SNIGGERING

I won't say too much because today is about a safe space

for the creative exchange of fresh words

from new voices

and brave perspectives.

And someone who is all three

is our first poet.

Please welcome Daisy Mould.

FINGERS CLICK

What's with all the clicking?

I don't know. Just do it. Why are you doing it?

This piece is called Princess Die, Die, Die

Let me tell you why, why, why...

Electra and her bulging tits

Eyes like Penelope's arse...

See it, say it, slaughtered

I'm drunk on the tube again...

A cheeky piece from me.

Smoked a little doob again...

This was part of a campaign

for a small multinational corporate bank.

Haiku number 603.

604.

605.

It's called 'Sup To My Fellow Commuters.

Here's to the sausage-munchers,

the boot-shiners,

the nine-to-fivers...

..and the dreamers...

Fucking white people.

Right, next up now is the urgent, vital

and authentic voice of Jack.

FINGERS CLICK

Yes. Yay. Whoo.

Trigger warning... Go on, Jack.

This was a real poem I really did perform...for real.

When I was 14

the McCanns lost their Maddie...

ALL GASP When I was 16,

cancer went and took my daddy

And when I was 18 everybody was a baddy

Cos what I'd lost

Could never now be found.

Ooh. Ooh-hoo.

You made a Madeleine McCann joke. What no, it's a poem.

No, everyone thinks you made a Madeleine McCann joke.

That's why the host threw a three-minute silence for her.

Hmm, it was quite moving.

Oh, God, everyone needs to get over themselves.

She's been gone years.

I was just trying to make the point that my dad won't be found,

cos, like, he's properly missing.

And...

..daddy rhymes with Maddie.

You, like, actually disgust me.

Oh, Lucien...

Jack... Oh...

Oh! Oh, fuck all you,

you bunch of oversensitive stupid-named aggy little c...

Honestly, mate, don't get upset.

It's Christmas!

Look, they were just being

oversensitive, pretentious rich kids doing fake Hackney accents.

Apart from that Princess Diana girl -

she was switched on.

Cooeeeey!

Don't do that. CLATTERING

Did someone call for the Elton John?

Oh, Jules, I've finally got my topic, by the way. Oooh.

Yeah, I'm doing it on the death of the lads' mag.

Oh, my God. I used to love Nuts magazine.

Everyone said it was really misogynistic

but they used to pay me so well.

GENTLE MUSIC

And so as part of Yemi's last wishes,

he asked for a nonverbal yet fittingly emotional

final goodbye,

and that's what we gave him.

Uh! Yemi, wait.

Oi! Dickhead!

What the fuck am I gonna do without you?

You're going to look after those boys. Yeah.

You're gonna have an amazing last term.

You're gonna be fine.

Check your inbox. I've sent you my private Instagram.

Don't tell them.

Why the fuck haven't I had that for the last three years?!

All right, I got you a little Christmas pressie,

and I'm sorry, cos I know that wee drifted these last few months.

No, mate, I... I owe you an apology.

I was just a bit jealous you were coupled off

and I was feeling lonely.

Well, I'm sorry that I laughed when your poetry book

got knocked into the lake on your birthday.

Wait, how did you know about my poetry book?

Well, I knew you were secretly writing last year,

and then when you were drying you bag on the radiator,

I had a sneaky look and I copied it all out for you again.

And them stories and poems about your dad, mate, they're brilliant.

I mean, sure you ain't taking the piss?

Mate, hands up, honestly.

I mean, look, poetry literally makes my arsehole go up inside myself

and you need to retire that Maddie McCann poem yesterday.

Took me fucking ages, so be careful.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

SHE SIGHS

I'm just going to really miss him.

Hello!

Hi, friends. Yes...

So just a slight hitch in my plans.

There's actually weekend engineering works on the tube

so I can't go anywhere. STIRRING MUSIC

You have me for one more night.

CHEERING

You evil b...

Oh, sorry, yeah... It's a bit... emosh, isn't it, that one? Yeah.

# MC am I, people call me up

# When I rock the party, you bust a nut

# Feadz is breaking out the beat

# Shit be hotter than me

# Me and he, our crew's a militia

# Better watch out, my clan gets vicious

# Bad-ass bitch, I'm rated X

# I'm gifted, ain't gotta sell sex

# Cross the beach onto the street

# Gotta work hard, no room to cheat

# Crunk and grime, that's my bloodline

# Feadz is mixing, Uffie's shouting

# Uff is banging... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media