Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour

Before third year properly started we got matched with supervisors

to guide us after class in our final project - le dissertation.

I got Tim -

which was gonna be OK cause I was now no longer a virg,

and decided to stop all silly childish crushes

on unavailable older men.

Corinne got American PhD student Eleanor,

a media regulations expert who took everything very seriously,

refused to abide by the smoking ban

and was trying out natural deodorant.

And finally you got...

Kelly.

Danny. Er, what? Why we saying our names?

Oh, I dunno - but, hi.

No. So, have I got you? Are you ser...?

Why is no-one at this university taking my education seriously?

Yeah, got me, baby. Staffing cuts.

Christ. Kelly, can you get out of my chair, please?

Right, plop yourself down then,

I've got us some Oreos and a couple of CapriSuns.

No, Kelly, not you.

Can you go to the pub or something, like a normal 16-year-old?

SHE SIGHS

Now...

Did you know that Oreos are vegan?

So, guys, the competition this week, Well and Truly,

is a package for rest and relaxation

where you and a partner could win three nights' stay

at this gorgeous country estate.

Where are all of my past non-shite dissertations?

Just imagine it...

..Jack.

Three nights of shagging Tim.

Going from the jet spa bubble bath

to a king size water-bed.

Goin' riiiight at it.

Right, Jack, talk to me about your big D.

What?

What area are you thinking about right now, exploring?

Don't say anal.

Just don't say anal. Say anything but anal.

Anal.

I said anal.

Fuck's sake, he said anal.

Did you just say. "anal"?

No, no, no, I-I...

I'm just being anal. My God.

I'm trying to be organised now as, like, the final year... Thank you.

..my dissertation idea is, um...

"To Bum or Not To Bum:

"A study into the representation of homosexuality

"within mainstream media depictions".

"When anal's involved,

"is homosexual intimacy always the butt of the joke?"

Right, wow.

Jack, I'm almost impressed.

Thanks, Tim.

Did Corinne help you come up with that?

No!

"Better Together or Stronger Apart:

"an analysis into the media bias

"of the Scottish Independence Referendum.

"Were we spun lies to secure a continued oppressive union?"

Other ideas?

No. OK.

So, you're 21.

Tell me about yourself. Drink, smoke, drugs?

That's none of your business.

Yes, to all three, then. OK. Relationship?

No, Yes. I am in one, but...

OK, bisexual woman with a boyfriend.

How did you know that? Star sign?

Stop. I'm sorry, what's going on?

You're supposed to be helping me plan my thesis

for the next nine months, not asking me about my personal life.

OK? You're nothing but a midwife of academic practice,

so stop being nosey and let's get interrogating this topic, please.

Hmm.

OK so your "topic".

Not to be harsh,

but maybe get the fuck over it?

This dissertation should be more than an overly emotional anthology

of personal intellectual ideas,

and should be a robust manifesto for the rest of your career.

So, stop focusing on what keeps you trapped

and perhaps utilise this as an opportunity

to ponder that which forces you open.

But that's just my advice...

..to any Virgos in the room.

Spoiler. Natural deodorant does naaaat work.

Ohh... Yeah, I ain't got a scooby what to write my disso on.

You know, not a fucking scoobs.

Well, that's not the attitude, is it?

It's Scooby-Doo, not Scooby-Don't.

Hmmm. Let's think what area of the media -

so, print or broadcast - do you personally enjoy?

Well, you know, time to time I'll read a...dirty mag.

I'll write that down. Yeah. Actually, do you know what?

Recently I've really got into the film Billy Elliot.

Yeah. Oh. Yeah, it's legit good.

And what d'you feel like you learnt from your degree?

I mean... honestly, sometimes, fuck all.

Danny! If you haven't got anything nice to say...

Then you're probably a right laugh. That's what my nan says.

Aww, how is she, how is your nan?

Yeah, she's... Look I'm just... I've a lot on my plate, you know?

I'm skint... you know, my laptop's bust

cos I spilt a load of Maccys strawberry milkshake all over it,

I'm in this new relationship

that I'm terrified that I'm going to fuck up all of the time,

you know, and I spunked all of this money taking her to Greece,

that was hit-and-miss at best -

AND I just found out that the BBC have sacked Clarkson.

They're filming Top Gear with Chris Evans.

Oh, Christ.

Chris Evans?

THEY COO AND LAUGH

Right, you two, have fun on your dates.

I'm going to miss you so, so, so, so much! Now...

I got these down Watford Market for you both.

Erm, Nan, people don't really use rape alarms any more.

Why? Have blokes stopped raping people?

Didn't fucking think so.

Now put it in your bag and don't answer me back.

Right, well you be good girl for Nanny,

otherwise she'll be a cunt to me tomorrow.

Oh, yes, she will. Oh, yes, she will!

Ow.

Right, OK.

Sorry...

I just don't want Russell to come round

and go, "Ooh, she's still in love with her dead husband."

But are you?

Well, yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, he said he's coming round for a cosy night in on the sofa.

Oh!

OK, I cannot believe you've left it this late to tell me that.

So, you can still get chlamydia, you can still get herpes,

you can still get pregnant -

and lest we forget, he is a mini cab driver, so...

Oh, Shan, I did the menopause years ago.

Mm-mm, no, I wouldn't be so sure -

cos I read about this woman in Take A Break,

she thought she'd menopaused in 2008 -

turns out, stressed by the credit crunch.

And she went on to have twins.

Right!

I'm not wearing these knock off Spanx!

I can't get into 'em.

Look, Peggy.

Sex with a new partner is different nowadays, it requires some effort.

I haven't had sex with anyone but Laurie since...

..Ronald Reagan.

Don't lie to me, Peggy.

You have not had sex with Ronald Reagan.

Now pop on that shapewear, please.

Lads do football, or...boxing, or...

SNIFFLES: Oh, wow.

..wrestling.

Yeah, I honestly think you SHOULD do your dissertation on little Billy.

Right? You know, I just relate to it so much, Jules. Yeah.

Like his family are either being dicks or getting nicked,

his nan's got Alzheimer's and his best mate's a massive gay.

I mean, it's basically my life.

Oh, it's already half eight - oh, sorry,

actually, do you mind if we finish this another time?

What?!

No! I'm going to be late for my date with Corinne.

Oh, I didn't know you were dating Corinne!

Yeah, it's our four month anniversary.

Well, you know, just be careful,

because relationships at uni, they can be very dangerous.

I mean, just look at Wills and Kate.

But... Well, they got married?

I know, but she'll never be Diana, will she?

And deep down, I think she knows that.

Sorry, I just feel very strongly about it.

Do you want a ride? Yeah, please.

Kelly? Where's your e-scooter?

Hey, man. Oh, my God!

Hi. Wel...

Welcome to The Carhartt Tavern.

Come... Come on in. My name's Marcus.

Erm, any problems bro, just give me or my crew a shout,

and, erm...

Er, sick.

Thanks for com... thanks for coming.

Oi-oi! Fancy seeing you here!

Hiya. So, lol, it's actually our first date tonight.

No! Yeah. Hello, Corinne. I'm Tariq.

Tariq. Yes, I know.

We... We literally just went on holiday together.

I, I know, but a lot people forget me.

Sh, Tariq, Tariq... I think she's been stood up.

OK, I think we're just there.

Hello, love. Hi. Hello. You all right? Come in!

Ooh, I'm starvin' marvin, let's have a butcher's at these menus, yeah?

Oh, yeah. I love a good Peking fuck.

Duck, duck. Peking duck.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

All right? Yeah.

Sorry, where is everyone?

They're oddly celebrating their four month anniversary.

It's very lesbian behaviour, if you ask me.

So, what do you wanna do tonight?

Well, we've got the place to ourselves.

I think you know.

Yemi, I...

I thought we weren't gonna do that again.

Watch Billy Elliot without Danny talking through every single line?

Yeah. That's what I meant.

Fuck!

CRASH

Babe, fuck, I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry, I'm so - honestly I'm so sorry, OK?

I just need to go to the bogs.

Oh! And then I'm all yours. I promise, I'm sorry.

You're in the doghouse, mate, OK?

So, I'd keep this heavily discounted meal voucher

to yourself - and whatever that is...

It's an e-scooter. Yep, it's a massive turn off. OK?

All right. Thanks, Shan. Have a good night. You look great.

Thank you, I know.

Jack, before we watch, sit.

I need to talk to you.

Oh, God.

Is this cos my dissertation's on anal?

It won't mention you, I promise.

No. I've taken your choice of topic

as a symbol of how much I've inspired you.

I wanna drop out of uni.

Oh, God, I've heard that one before.

No, I'm serious this time.

I don't think I can do third year.

Really?

Term starts on Monday, so I need to make a decision this weekend

before I get 9k deeper into Student Finance England debt.

Come on, then, let's get the whiteboard out.

I made Yemi first list all the reasons he should leave,

hoping that ending on reasons to stay

would persuade him to do just that.

Woohoo, another reason to leave -

the SU shop has stopped selling white chocolate Maltesers.

No, I will not write that down!

They've been discontinued nationwide.

It's getting boring,

you keep sharing change.org campaigns about it.

OK, fine, I'm bored here.

My course is teaching me shit I already know.

Bored of course.

Also everyone on my course idolises me.

Yesterday I was stopped in the street by freshers

begging me for a selfie.

Someone has a lower back tattoo of my name.

You're a BNOC.

Ugh! I need to be challenged.

I need to be around real fashion

and the vicious, competitive, horrific people

who make up my dream industry.

Not just students

who've already conceded to my higher levels of talent.

Look, I have a vision, Jack.

I don't want some shitty junior fashion job.

I wanna to set up my own independent label.

And I wanna do it now.

We've got one more year left.

And Danny...

Danny only listens to you.

Right, I'm so sorry.

It's fine.

No, but I just had so much to do today,

I'm, look, that e-scooter is naaat mine, all right?

Will you just sit down, please?

I just - I was talking to Jules for, like, an age,

and I still don't know what to do my dissertation on -

and I'm gutted, cos I can't do it on Billy Elliot

cos apparently some gimp done it last year... Look, I'm sorry.

Right, no - shut up. Shut up, Danny.

OK? I want you to leave.

Through that door, fuck off outside, shake it off,

then come back in here like you weren't late.

OK? I want a proper date with the proper Danny, please.

Sorry, enjoy your evening.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary, you silly billy.

There was shit everywhere. Mm.

I have never seen such quantities of human poo -

and we just had to pretend like it wasn't happening. Yeah.

But it STANK.

And, you know, those Irish midwives, they knew it, too.

Sorry to be a Nazi,

but you've only got about 45 minutos left at le tablah,

so, if ya wanna order some yummy scrummy grubby wubby,

then do so now, buddy!

Sorry, you haven't...you haven't given us any menus, though?.

It's all on the chalky-B, my man.

Yes. That illegible board.

Yeah, it's like a small plates kinda sitch,

so, um, I'd recommend, um...

What is it? Four, five...? Eight plates per pers.

Per person?! They - they're like nine quid each.

Now, can I do some recommendations?

Yeah, yeah. Yes.

OK. Well, I'd recommend the vegan sweet beets -

or, for my old-skool meat eaters,

the bad boy bresaola bread board,

which comes with a "lads-back-from-Primavera-

"needs-a-snacky-wacky-croquetta stacky",

and some tiny, tiny slices of sourdough

which have a perfectly toasted Carhartt logo on top.

I didn't understand a word of that. Have you got, like, burgers?

Yeah. You do?

Yeah, of course. Yeah, OK, that's fine. Let's just...

The Salomon sneaker steak slider.

Sneak... Sneaker? Salomon sneaker steak slider.

What, like a trainer?

Yes, like a trainer, but it's a burger.

Mm, I'm all out of wine!

CREAKING

Oh...

Oh, fuck it. Oh, my God!

Shannon, she gave me terrible knock-off Spanx.

Thank God, I thought you had osteoarthritis.

Which, you know, I'd be all right with and all that, but...!

Well, no, not yet.

So...

Let me take it all off. Will you help me?

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

I can take off some of mine off at the same time.

No, no, I mean...

..help me off the sofa, Russell!

Oh, gosh, yeah, sorry!

OK. OK?

Yeah? Yeah.

Literally the only one reason I haven't left already is because...

..annoyingly, I love you all.

And I am happy here...

..but it's not enough.

Then, Yems...

..you need to go.

Me coming to uni was the scariest thing I've ever done -

not cos I was the first in my family to go,

nor cause I knew I secretly liked cock, but...

..I didn't wanna leave my mum all by herself...

Yeah, I understand that.

..but I had to put my own future first -

and that's what you have to do.

Even though I'll miss you so much.

Yemi, you've always been the most talented one out of all of us.

Don't tell Corinne.

Hey, come here.

Right, I don't want you paying for me, OK?

So I insist we go Dutch.

Snap.

Double Dutch!

Oh, my God!

Oh, no! Come on, you go for it, love.

No, you have it. No, no. It's yours.

Seriously, Russell, your cracker!

I could feed it to ya.

Yes!

Mm!

Oh, sorry!

KNOCKING Agh!Agh!

LAUGHS: Did I make you jump? Yeah?

What are you do..?

What are you watching, a scary movie or something?

We're watching Billy Elliot.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Come on, mate. Come on, you can do this.

She snogged you.

You're round her gaff and you've spent �85 on a dog sitter.

Tonight could be the night.

Oh, sorry love. No, don't worry.

Just gonna freshen up.

Oh, yeah, great, yeah.

Well, freshen away.

Thank you! OK!

Laurie...

Sorry, Jules, why are you here?

Er, just came to drop something off for Danny,

Er, sorry, lads,

please tell me I am not looking at

one of the university's many missing whiteboards?!

Er... No. Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, my God!

Yemi, is this true?

Do you really think I'm creepy?

No. Oh, my God, no, no - I, I didn't...

Jack, I said...I said "cheeky".

Cheeky. Cheeky. Jack can't spell.

Oh, OK, that makes sense.

Cos I was like...creepy?!

In what way?!

Why's it, um, a reason to leave...?

Oh, my God, Yemi, are you dropping out?

And I haven't taken this decision lightly.

Unlike Jack, who keeps banging on about being the first in his family

to go to university, I'm actually gonna be the first in my family

not to graduate university.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

So, can I stay living here for a bit?

My parents are going to be very angry with me

and I need to figure out how I'm going to tell the others.

To be perfectly honest with you, Yemi,

if you hadn't just said you were dropping out,

I would have asked you to leave anyway.

What? This uni has a bit of a reputation for fashion

and the reputation is that the best people come and then drop out -

and anyone who stays is - is a bit of a loser, to be honest!

You've been here 13 years.

Yeah, I know, but I'm wasn't a fash-ist girlie, was I?

I was a business and languages boff, thank you.

High 2:1, scraped by.

Um, well, I'll sort the paperwork,

and, um, you can stay here till Crimbo -

but then I'm chucking you out onto the streets!

Only joking!

But I'm not... Oh -

that is when you have to vacate the premises, actually,

so I'm not joking about that bit.

SHE YAWNS

Oh...

Oh, dear, I think I'm tired, Russell.

Yeah, it's all that MSG.

I think it's my bedtime.

Oh...

Thanks for a lovely night, though.

I've honestly had the best night.

Yeah? Yeah!

You look so handsome.

Like, gruff and manly.

Same. I mean, not...

It's like the best first date I've ever had.

Are we adding any tip, my guys?

Absolutely not, no.

Do you maybe wanna come back to mine?

I've got a large jar of Nutella and two teaspoons.

Ooh, make them tablespoons and, yeah, I might just do, Mr Millar.

Yeah?!

NAN: Peggy, what you doing?

Hello?

Your house is only 500 metres away,

so, I might've been occasionally listening in to your date.

This is so invasive.

Look, you've gotta stop getting cold feet.

You can do this, girl.

You need your birthday, you need the time

and then the place that you were born.

The place? Yes.

Yes, like the hospital. What's that got to do with it?

Flippin' hell! Sorry, sorry, sorry!

You... You know that voucher you just discreetly gave to me?

Right, OK. Yeah.

It says the QR code's already been used.

What?

Used earlier by ShanandNanNigans

PartyPlannersLimited Incorporated@Gmail.com.

Fuck's sake.

Don't worry, we'll just split it.

No, no. It's all right, I've got this.

OK, so, it's �136, please.

Is it?

OK.

Oh, it's too much to tap.

Right, cos it's �136.

Danny, please can we just split it?

Absolutely not, all right? Fuck - just fuck off.

Mazing.

See you later. See ya.

Look, don't apologise. We don't have time.

I'm just glad you invited me back, because...

..I gambled on a bluey, and.

Ooh, Russell!

Have I shown you my new velvet ottoman?

Not yet, no.

It's velvet. From Dunelm.

Oh, my God, you know exactly what to say to a man.

Never tell me to fuck off.

No...

Come on, I wasn't telling you to, like, "fuck off" fuck off, was I?

I meant like, "Fuck off!"

OK, I'm sorry, all right? I'm just - I'm skint,

and the money my nan saved for her care is running out, and...

Look, I'm probably gonna have to start wanking on cam soon.

Mr King, I've had my loan come through,

so we are splitting the bill -

and that doesn't emasculate you,

it just means we are an equal couple, OK?

OK.

You're like a child!

OK, I do have some bad news.

Hit me. I'm nearly 30,

I've got indigestion, and I'm too full to have sex.

Oh, thank God. Same.

But, good news -

we can watch a film on my new...laptop.

What?! Yeah, Jules gave me a free MacBook.

She said there was one going spare

cos one of the dyslexic students left for Isis, so...

Oh, for goodness' sake!

If we just properly supported the dyslexic kids,

maybe they wouldn't feel the need

to have to join a terrorist organisation.

I love you.

You love me?

What?

You love me, mate?

Fuck off.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media