Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language, scenes of drug use and adult humour from the start

Shannon's in labour. We gotta go hospital! I want my nan! I'm sorry.

I love you, Nanny Bingo.

Hello, hello. Oh, hello, hello.

I put my nan into a care home, which is hard.

It's sad, innit, yeah, but...

How are you going to fucking live with yourself?

N'night, Laurie.

You deserve to be happy and loved.

Aww, Russell. Cheers.

Do you know what happens to full-time fashion graduates?

Mothercare. Mamas and Papas. Matalan.

What do I do?

Don't, don't. It's done.

I will always choose you, Danny King.

I'll always choose you, Soppy Girl.

Mmm, salty.

The summer of 2015.

Pre-Brexit, pre-Covid, pre-air fryers.

It was a happier, simpler time.

And, for my 21st birthday, we put away our phones,

muted our Grindr notifications and immersed ourselves in nature.

God, look - it's a turd.

There's a floater

Oh, no, wait. That's just a Newcy Brown Ale bottle.

So how's things going with Corinne?

Yeah, I'm loving it.

You know, I think we've got this real, like, genuine,

like, trusting intimacy, you know?

Is it big? Ugh.

It's-it's not BIG big, as such, but...

..you know, it's really nice and it's just...it's right for me.

I mean, look, it is a lot of pressure.

You know, I've not been in a relationship like this

in a while but, you know, I respect her.

He has the most incredible arse. Mm.

Like, I don't know if he'd ever let me peg him,

but the thought casts adrift my mind.

I suppose I'm secretly terrified

but I guess that's what falling in love with someone's like.

You know, you've just got to get out your comfort zone.

We tried piss play.

What?! Did you like it?

I'd give it two stars, to be honest.

Yeah, the clean-up was a bit of a faff.

What about you, Jacky boy? How's your love life?

You still chatting up that Oscar lad?

He's fucking an underwear model. Oh,

The lad's got a massive bulge. I just can't compete with that.

What have I told you?

It's not about the bulge on the outside.

It's the bulge on the inside that counts.

I don't know what I mean by that.

HE SIGHS I just feel like I'm 21,

I still haven't lost my penetrative virginity,

and it's like, how do I have a contactless debit card

and I still haven't been bummed?

HE LAUGHS

HE THUDS AGAINST SEAT Oh, fuck's sake, Danny!Whoa!

Get it out! All right, all right. Now.

Urgh. Jesus. There's barely anything in it.

Yes, there is, Danny.

For fuck's sake. Not-not everything has to be laddy fucking banter,

all right? All right, chill out. It was an accident.

No need to be a...

BINGO CALLER: Prick on my knee! 23.

How ya doin', Nan?

Shut up. I'm doing well. Shut up. Soz.

One fat lady with a walking stick. 81.

I do wish they wouldn't fat shame the number eight.

My wife's a cancer on all our lives. 65.

That's number 65.

You've a Code Two, Shan.

Oh, my God. Code Two alert. Yep.

Tweak of the thumb, 51.

Red raw, 64.

Down on your knees, 43.

Granny's getting frisky, it's number 60!

THEY SCREAM

FUCKING BINGOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mum threw me a 21st B-day buffet

which got upstaged by my cousin, Shannon, winning....

�17,000!

I know - it's a life-changing amount of money.

That's not that much.

You're secretly a Tory and I hate it.

So I'm going to spend some of it on setting up

ShanAndNan-nigans Party Planners LTD Incorporated

and then an all-incluse holibobs-your-uncle to Greece.

And you're all invited!

What? Yes!

You're not ALL invited. You lot, no.

Just invest it, Shan.

What in? oil and gas? Nan, please, the world's on fire.

Have you not heard of climate change?

No, instead, we are all flying to Greece.

Nan's right, Shan.

Well, Nan isn't coming, is she? Because she doesn't fly

ever since Jack made her watch that 9/11 documentary.

Sorry, Nan.

I just really want to connect with my late father's culture.

You know, I just want to celebrate the fact that I'm actually Greek.

You're barely Greek.

You're not the only one with a dead dad, Jack, all right?

I have a dead dad, too - I just don't go on about it every day.

I'm sorry about saying that,

but there's loads of gay bars in Faliraki -

you're going to love it.

Now, as an apology, you can bring one pal.

Yemi. I need a wingman.

Fine. I'll come to sit on the beach and read.

You'll love the hairy Greek guys, Jack.

You're pulling pubes out your teeth for days, but...the meat?

What's your favourite type of hols, then?

Well, I love wild camping in the Highlands.

Yeah, just exposed, against the elements,

and, like, reconnecting with nature. You?

Ayia Napa is sick.

Hey, Corranny... Urgh, please don't call us that.

I like it. OK.

Well, you're v-v welcome to join.

Aww. Really? But, um... I can only cover airport transfers.

Yeah, of course. Like, I've actually got some savings

and I'd love to take the missus on holiday.

Oh, please don't call me "the missus".

Although I am financially dependent on you

until my Student Loan comes in. Are you?

I thought all uni was all free if you're from Scotland?

Only if you study in Scotland.

LAUGHING: Right, well, you're a silly cow, then, aren't you?

Oh, you lot crack me up, getting into all that debt.

You're still paying your Wonga payday loans, aren't you?

What have I told you about mentioning Wonga?

You just have to ruin your birthday for me, don't you?

MUSIC: Don't Mug Yourself by The Streets

# A new day, another morning after

# Leanin' back on my chair in a greasy spoon cafeteria

# Last night was some beer-lairy-ness done our way

# But again, we're back in the light of day... #

Oh, no. Oh, no!

I'm... Guys... Guys, I'm stuck in the thing.

Ow, Danny. Oh, sorry.

Why is the suitcase so big? We're here four nights.

You'll find out, all right? Just go in with them. I won't be a sec.

No, I don't like it. I don't like it in here!

Right, Jack, help me.

Corinne! Stop push...

# You need to hold it down, Jack, put your phone back

# Quit starin' into space and eat your snack, that's that

# She'll want you much more for not hangin' on

# Stop me if I'm wrong, stop me if I'm wrong... #

This is all so, so generous of you, Shan.

Yeah.

It's our holiday. BABY COOS

Er, excuse me, Rolf Harris?

Sorry, sorry. I thought...

Are we not all staying in a big family bed?

Oh, my God, Tariq. We haven't even had a first date.

We had a kebab in my van?.

No, that was a legally advised informal meeting

to discuss the terms of our co-parenting.

Sorry, I just... I just presumed that we...

Right, well, never presume.

It makes an ass out of you and me.

Sorry, Jack. I'll have the baby monitor next to my bed,

and I do suffer with severe sleep apnoea.

Hope that's OK.

SHE CHUCKLES

Aww...

Miss Gahimiri?

Huh! # Ta-da! #

I hope this is a joke.

No.

I mean, you said how much you love, you know, wild camping and...

I mean, the hotel was a bit on the spenny side,

so I thought, you know, why not fuse your favourite holiday...

..with the delights of outdoor Greece?

It is 36 degrees, Danny.

FLIES BUZZ Yeah, it's hot.

It's boiling.

It'll be cooler in there.

Ah...

Oh, my God, I'm melting. Oh, it is, it's bad. It is bad. It's awful.

Do you think you're going to be able to have sex with me?

I drank a lot of water before. I don't want that on top of me.

We're not allowed to use the hotel shower. But...

So where are we supposed to wash?

And if you fucking say, "The sea," Danny,

I... Honest, I swear to god...

Is that honestly where you thought we were gonna wash?!

Obviously I was gonna say the sea! What else was I gonna say?

You turned your nose up at the neck fan...

Get that away from me. ..and we've not even... Just...

FAN WHIRS QUIETLY

Hmph!

What a plonker. CORINNE SOBS

You are staying with me.

Shall we have a spliff on the balcony? Mm?

I smuggled in some hash in my carry-on.

Yes, please. Yes?

Ooooh! Yeah.

Oh! Thank you.

Shannon... Yeah?

..what drove you to set up your own party-planning company?

Aww, Yemi. Um...

I love a party, I love a plan,

and I love working for me, although ultimately the main goal

is to be Lord Sugar's next Apprentice, so...

So, Yemi, you thinking of starting your own business, then?

Yep. My dream is my own forward-thinking,

convention-challenging womenswear brand.

Wow!

Do you like my Bonmarche kaftan?

Cos I think that's pretty convention challenging?

Yeah, it's, um... Yeah.

Yeah, I'll a design kaftan one day - you can model.

Did you hear that, Pegs? Yeah! Oh, my God!

Tariq, did you hear that?

OVER MONITOR: Yeah. It's amazing.

Did you hear that, Jack?

Yes, we all fucking heard it! We're all literally sat together!

OK.

What's the story in Balamory?

Oh, I don't know, maybe sharing a room with four men,

one of whom snores like he cannot breathe.

TARIQ: Sorry. I am waiting for

an NHS procedure to widen my left nostril.

Ooh! Daniel Craig at 12 o'clock.

Is Danny' middle name Craig?

Oh, my God.

Wow. What a woman.

She's like something out of a Special K advert!

She's been with those lads for hours.

Yes, noted.

Do you know what? I reckon we should all go to a gay bar tonight.

You know? Or just...

..anywhere where there's less Greek fellas

who clearly want to just shag my girlfriend.

Jack?

Jack!

Oh, my Christ!

OTHERS CHUCKLE

Your second-degree burns aren't going down well

with the Faliraki gay community.

The Faliraki gay community are amazing.

I've just met a drag queen called Sue Vlacki.

Everyone keeps buying me drinks.

Yeah, cos they think you're gay.

Duh. I'm secure enough in my sexuality

not to worry if people think I'm gay.

And I can't help it, Jack, if I'm the masculine Adonis

of Greek gay boys' dreams.

Maybe I should buy a guy a drink! That's it.

To be honest, Jack, I think that may be your only tactic.

Every guy here is very much giving masc looking for masc, and you?

You look like a prawn.

TAP RUNS

TAP STOPS Right, Peg, bathroom's all yours.

Oh, you look gorgeous. Like a young Neneh Cherry.

I don't know who that is, but I bet she's as fit as fuck.

THEY LAUGH I won't be back late.

Be as late as you like.

CAMERA CLICKS

Where's Corinne?

The lesbians keep buying her shots.

Oh...there she is.

Hmm. You all right?

Why aren't you chatting up any Greek lads?

I ain't seen you on Grindr once.

Because I am here in Greece, Danny, not for her but for here.

And on holidays like these, Danny, I am so often fetishised by gay men

that I will no longer allow that for myself.

Look around.

This place is whiter than being outside the M25 on Christmas Day.

Now, are you OK?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. We're...

..very secure, so...

THEY CHANT: Corinne! Corinne! Corinne! Corinne!

That's massive. I'm just...

Ugh...

Do you know Tariq tried to kiss me yesterday?

SHE SCOFFS

It's like, "OK, we're not on Hollyoaks Later or something."

But you like him, don't you?

What? No. What? Where have you got that from?

You had a baby together.

Oh, right, OK!

What, cos I have a baby with someone,

it means I'm just giving it away, does it? It's 2015, Peggy.

I think you need to read some Caitlin Moran - immediately.

Well, I don't understand this modern dating.

Russell has seen my towel selfie and he ain't messaged me since.

Really?

Blue ticks, no reply.

Oh, my God, that is a red flag, Peggy. That's a flag de rouge.

No. Get it up on Facey-B,

get the likes coming in, get the comments coming in -

we'll show him what he's missing out on.

All right, geez. How's it hanging, man?

Er...OK.

Do-do you want a drink?

Er, yeah, mate, nice.

I'm just a normal bloke, so just a big...beer would do me.

Er...

Corinne! Can I have a chat?

Yep.

Are you, like, purposely trying not to spend time with me, or...?

Like, I know I fucked it with the accommodation,

but, like, I had good intent.

Sorry, 'scuse the pun.

What? You jumped around with three Greek fellas all afternoon.

The Greek fellas?

Yep, the ones that I kept gesturing for you to come and join,

who are now all snogging each other in the corner?

Yep.

Well, I mean... Yeah.

..you're enjoying the attention of these girls now.

Oh, wow. Just cos I'm bi,

then surely I must want to eat all these girls out, right?

You just munched through a kofte with that one.

You're ridiculous sometimes, Danny.

If you're upset because I haven't been spending enough time with you,

then, yes, actually, for that I'm sorry, OK?

I was fucked off and I wanted space.

But all your other qualms can truly get to fuck.

Sorry, can I just get my bag? Nice to meet you.

Corinne, I'm...

So whilst you were in the doghouse,

Dmitri here sweetly ordered me the girliest, coldest drink possible.

Argh!

FISHBOWL SHATTERS Argh, my skin!

Ah... Oi! Ah, I'm sorry.

Argh! Argh! All right, all right...

It burns! It burns!

Still no reply from Russell, but my Facey-B is popping off.

Oh, how many comments? Four.

Fuck off. What they saying?

Um... "Looks like you're having a cheeky holiday."

"Bottoms up, girl."

Er, "Nice to see the back of you." What?

And Gary from the pub has put up, um...

Ph, "Nice arse, Pegs."

SHE GASPS Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, shit. Oh, no.

Oh, shit, Peggy!

I didn't know my arse was out. Oh.

And he still hasn't fucking replied.

Men are CUNTS!

Big old dooby, Peggy?

Yeah.

# Men are cunts, men are cunts, men are cunts... #

BOTH: # Men are cunts, men are cunts, men are cuuu... #

The thing is,

I know Danny messed up with you, but...

..he's a good boy.

Yeah, he's just such an insecure prat sometimes.

Do you know, when I was really scared when I was having the baby...

..Danny held my hand so tight...

Oh...

..and just as I was starting to push and push and push,

and I was shitting out turds, like, all over the birthing bed,

just like...

And this toxic stench, honestly, hit the back of everyone's nostrils.

At the same time, it was like tarmac filling up a pothole,

And Danny...

I'm going to get emotional, but Danny...

..just fucking held my hand even tighter.

And, as far as I'm concerned,

that is the sign of a really good bloke.

RETCHING AND SPLATTERING

Oh, my God. Peggy, have you been sick?

CORINNE: Urgh...

Oh, my God, you look like Michael Jackson!

Ugh...

You know, I spend most of winnings on this holiday

and everyone just looks bloody stressed!

Peggy got absolutely rat-arsed last night,

Yemi's not even bothered to come down for breakfast, brunch or lunch.

He's having a kip...

..cos none of us could get any sleep.

I mean, I survived the 2004 tsunami,

so I suppose any holiday's better than that.

Shh, Tariq. This isn't about you.

Right, OK, tonight, we need to cheer up,

go beach bar and take some of this choccy

that I got off a geezer in the smoking area last night.

Was it a white guy with dreadlocks that was selling magic mushrooms?

No comment.

All I wanted this trip was to sit with friends,

have a Fanta Limon, some nice olives,

and just get fucked up the arse. But it's just been a disaster.

Honestly, I don't think you were going to do it anyway.

Your first time should be with someone you trust.

If you're at all asking me, then no.

Yeah, no, I wasn't asking you.

I mean, it maybe would've been a good idea, but...

..alas, I am solely here to read, so...

Of course.

But, er, maaaaybe the thought of you and me had crossed my mind...

..but we're just friends. Yeah, we couldn't do that.

Yeah, no, we couldn't.

We couldn't do that.

No, we couldn't do that.

We couldn't do that. We couldn't...do that.

And we actually can't do that

because Tariq's in our room with Lauren all night, so...

PHONE CHIMES

FAINT MUSIC

SHOWER DOOR CREAKS

Oh, Danny!

Corinne. I'm really, really sorry, right?

I was a royal prick last night.

And I was just, like, put out and paranoid and I just... I'm sorry.

For you.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry for cold-shouldering you.

It's all right.

MUSIC CONTINUES #S

Do you remember the routine? The routine? Yeah.

Of course I remember the routine. I invented the routine. Yeah.

You ready? five, six, seven, eight, to the right.

# At night, I think of you... #

And across.

# I wanna be your lady, maybe

# If your game is on, give me a call, boo... #

Jack, Jack, Jack, why are you always trying to have sex

in a disabled toilet facility?

Er, well, after my dad died,

when I wanted to have a cry at school,

I used to go in the disabled loos,

just because it's more spacious, you know?

I could put my blazer up there,

I could put my laptop here

and watch Lorraine whilst on the loo.

Right. No, Jack.

If we're going to have a trusting intimate encounter as friends,

then we do need some modicum of self-respect.

Ooh, I know!

# I follow you

# I, I follow

# I follow you, dark doom, honey

# I follow you

# I, I follow

# I follow you, deep sea, baby

# I follow you

# I, I follow

# I follow you, dark doom, honey

# I follow you... #

I think I do like Tariq.

DISTORTING: But it just scares me.

Cos, like, what if I fuck him off one day then he just leaves?

Like, everyone leaves me - my dad, my mum,

Ginger Spice.

Look, Shan, just go for it with Tariq.

Only take it slow.

I'm going to find him.

Now. I'm going to go find him now.

Oh, no, I didn't mean... Yep. Oh.

PHONE CHIMES

Ack!

SHE SPLUTTERS

And so this was where I finally lost my bumming virginity,

with one of my best mates, on the edge of a Greek cliff,

like George Michael would've wanted.

Is it weird if I say I really enjoyed that?

I would hope so! I did, too.

But is it mad that happened?

No, not really.

We would've had sex the first night we met

if you hadn't ripped out my septum piercing.

And then I got to know you, Jack,

and I...I really didn't want to have sex with you,

because you were clearly a novice. Right.

But now...

..I think you're ready, and that was nice.

But do you think we should have done that?

We're not Danny and Corinne.

Look, we are never going to do that again,

but I don't regret it,

and, actually, you were a lot better than I thought you'd be.

Aw, thank you, Yemi.

However, I will have to write you down some pointers for next time.

Pointer one - do not call anybody "Daddy".

Uh-huh. Yep. No.

Pointer two...

BIRDSONG

Ah! What the fuck?!

Hey.

You OK? Yeah, you?

Yeah.

I'm on mushrooms.

You OK? Yeah, I just said I'm OK.

OK.

You know, I just feel like...

..me and you, we've drifted a bit, you know?

And it's just...

Guys, can you whisper, please?

What are you doing in here?

I can't remember, but Tariq isn't here, is he?

Guys, please can we keep it down?

Corinne, what...? Is everyone in this room?

TARIQ: I'm actually sleeping in the bathtub in the bathroom.

Oh, my God! Who's with the baby?

YEMI: I'm with the baby.

We're just sat on the balcony, watching the sunrise.

Aww, thanks, Yemi. Yeah, thanks, Yemi.

Shh, Tariq! People are trying to sleep in here. Sorry.

PEGGY: Shan, you should come out on the balcon -

the sunrise is gorgeous. DANNY SINGS TUNELESSLY

Aww! Yeah, OK.

OH, MY GOD! WILL EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK U...?!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media