Original subtitles

♪ I live to survive another heartache ♪

♪ I live to survive another mistake ♪

Look, I know it wasn't the best Thanksgiving,

but Nico is going to be fine.

Yeah, he's my baby boy.

He's 21, Dad.

Yeah, but he's sensitive.

He's not tough and brawny like you.

- Brawny? - Look, don't worry about me

or this family.

You go have fun, study hard,

find a boyfriend...

Be young.

Okay. I love you.

Are you sure you're good to drive?

I don't know, we'll see.

I think so.

Goodbye, pumpkin.

♪ Another mistake ♪

♪ Another heartache ♪

Here, hold your bag.

- I'm fine, Carol. - All right.

Oh, my God, Whitney, hi!

How was your Thanksgiving? Really good.

Wait, did you guys drive here from Arizona?

Isn't that a long trip?

Yeah, it's 39 hours, and it felt like a lot more.

Yup, it ended up costing $1,500 in gas and hotels.

And we got in a couple really bad arguments.

Ah, wouldn't change a thing.

Hi! Hey.

Oh, my goodness. How's your family?

- Uh, good. We adopted a dog. - Ooh.

My mom thought it would help her approval ratings.

It did not. She returned it.

- Oh. - She is an amazing woman.

I always defend her to my buddies.

- Dad! - Well, honey,

we should head out. I gotta work in the morning.

- In Arizona? - Yeah.

We're gonna try not to stop.

Bye, sweetie. Okay, bye.

- We love you. - Drive safe.

Love you. I love you, pinochle.

♪ Watch me, I'm back on my feet ♪

After that long drive, I just really wanna relax.

Yeah.

Whitney! Kimberly!

I missed you bitches. Come here!

- Hey. - Hey, Bela.

Uh, sorry,

where are your clothes?

Oh! Got in about 15 minutes ago,

got comfortable, made myself some snacks.

My parents were, like, obsessed with me

wearing clothes at home. Oh, totally.

Would you mind putting a towel down

before you sit on the sofa?

- Why? - Because of your butt.

Oh.

- Leighton, hey! - Welcome back!

- Hey! - Hi, all.

I have an announcement.

Why are you in your underwear?

For comfort.

Okay, well, Nico got expelled.

- What? - Oh, my God.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

When Kimberly turned in the stolen test files,

the administration started an investigation,

and a bunch of senior Thetas got kicked out.

The seniors? But they were the hottest ones.

What's Nico gonna do?

Well, thankfully, my dad was able to make

a big donation to Cornell and got him a spot next semester.

And they got him an Audi to try and cheer him up.

Mm-kay, this story is getting less sympathetic.

I'm so sorry. Your brother was gorgeous,

and I'm gonna miss seeing his face and body around campus.

Thank you.

Are you wearing my underwear?

Just the bra... oh! Bottoms too.

♪ We got one night only ♪

♪ Put your money where your mouth is ♪

♪ And I'ma show you how I bounce ♪

♪ If I burst, son, I might hurt some ♪

- Kimberly. - Yeah?

Did you tell your parents about losing your scholarship?

Oh, I couldn't find the right time to mention it to them.

What do you mean? You were in the car for 39 hours.

Yeah, don't you need, like, a lot of money?

Oh, just $42,000 per year...

$138,000 total.

Seriously? That's, like, four cars,

or, like, five of Leighton's purses.

Dude, I think you need to tell your parents.

I can't. It would kill them.

I need to figure out a solution on my own.

Solution's right here.

Ask one of these two moneybags for it.

Their parents are loaded. Uh...

I mean, don't look at me.

Leighton's family's way richer than mine is.

We're politician rich.

Well, most of my family's wealth is tied up

in real estate and, um, several racehorses.

Oh, you guys don't need

to make your rich families sound poor.

I would never ask either of you for money.

I got myself into this, and I'll get myself out.

Wait, I've got it. If you need extra money,

you should sell feet pics on the dark web.

That's certainly

an interesting idea. Kimberly, no.

Just go to the financial aid office and apply for a loan.

No! My plan is better. You've got long toes,

and there's a real market for that.

- Stop! - Bela!

What? Don't shame me

for my good ideas.

♪ Whoo! ♪

Guys, what are we always saying this campus needs?

- Better Wi-Fi? - A decent place

to get my eyebrows tinted?

A memorial to Native peoples.

No.

An all-female comedy magazine.

Both: Hm. - I'm starting one

with some friends.

We're toppling the patriarchy

one top-ten list at a time.

Are magazines, like, a thing anymore?

Well, ours would mostly be an Instagram presence,

a sassy Twitter account, and a website

that we haven't bought the domain for yet.

It's gonna be huge. That's so cool.

- Yeah. - Bela, I have to say,

so far, I support this.

- Yeah. All: Ah!

- What the fuck? - Oh, my God, are you okay?

Did somebody just hit me with a milk carton?

Oh, man. You just got nailed.

Yeah, that was so fucked up.

- Yeah, I know. - That must have been

really surprising.

Um, yeah, it was.

So even though you didn't do anything wrong,

something bad still happened to you?

Why are you talking like that?

Yeah, it sounds like the beginning of a parable.

'Cause we're in fucking Theta,

and you guys got our charter suspended.

Wait, is that what this is about,

the stupid test thing?

Yeah, you narced on us, you narcs.

That stunt you pulled fucked us.

We can't throw parties anymore.

So you threw a fucking milk at me?

This sweater cost $800! What?

You dickheads were the ones cheating.

We were just the whistleblowers.

Yeah, and I didn't even do it.

All right? It was her.

I am kind of responsible for that.

I know. I meant to hit you, but my aim was off.

It doesn't matter. From now on,

none of you are ever setting foot in Theta again.

Uh! He took my clementine.

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Eh, I'm used to it. My mom and I have gotten

blood thrown on us outside multiple operas.

Guys, I can't believe we can't party at Theta anymore.

Who cares about Theta?

They can't even throw parties anymore.

We'll just find a new frat to hang with.

Oh, my God.

- What? - Look.

♪ Drive all night to find out ♪

♪ What you can't see ♪

♪ Cities lighting up the midnight sky ♪

Girls, remember not to congregate in the hallways.

It is a fire hazard.

These old buildings are tinder boxes, so...

- Thanks, Frude. - See you at the FAF meeting.

Welcome back, my Fresh-Them.

I hope you enjoyed American Thanksgiving,

and I'm relieved so few of you transferred.

I do have exciting news.

We have a new student joining us,

and he is climate refugee.

Wow, I think it's great

that we're taking in a displaced person.

Yeah, are they from a developing nation?

No, he's from Kansas.

Ah, here he is now.

Everyone, please give a warm welcome

to our climate refugee, Jackson.

- Hello. - Wait,

you're the climate refugee?

You're white. Bela.

- What the hell? - Sweetheart, um,

tell us what happened to you,

and if you're straight and single.

I really don't know how else to say it.

My college dorm was blown away by a Category 4 tornado.

Shit.

- Wow. - Wait, what?

That's terrible. But Frude,

I think the term "refugee" implies

more of an international displacement.

Uh, Kimberly, do not offend my new friend.

He's been through enough.

I think climate change is real.

- Yeah, are you serious? - I didn't say it wasn't.

And speaking of climate change,

tomorrow's forecast calls for snow,

which brings with it Essex's oldest non-racist tradition,

The Annual Snow Run.

Oh, my God!

Is that where we run in the snow in our underwear?

That is correct.

Should we pregame or wait till we get there?

Oh, we should absolutely pregame.

The booze in our dorm is way better.

Reminder, underage drinking is illegal and not fun.

But what is fun is our next juicy topic...

Avoiding seasonal depression.

Hey, Kimberly.

Hey, did you buy me a column of gay pride balloons?

Oh, my God. I did.

I'm so sorry.

I assumed you told Whitney and Bela over break,

but then you didn't, and I couldn't cancel them.

Did anyone else see them?

Have I outed you? Am I bad ally?

No, you're fine.

I'm just disturbed that you think I am

the kind of gay person who would like that.

Got it. When you come out to Whitney and Bela,

I'll get you a classier balloon tower.

My ideal coming-out does not involve balloons.

No balloons at all, please.

Are you gonna tell Bela and Whitney?

At some point, probably, but not right now.

Well, I'm here for you.

Okay, I gotta go to the financial aid office

to ask for a loan.

Wish me luck.

Wait, wearing your Sips uniform?

Yeah, I want them to know I have a job.

It's pretty smart, right?

Kimberly, banks only give money to people

who look like they already have money.

Let me help you.

♪ You're cold as ice ♪

♪ I wanna make you feel real nice ♪

♪ I wanna make you feel ♪

- Kimberly Finkle? - Here.

I'm so psyched for the off-season.

I got hit with a soccer ball so many times,

I think my titties got CTE.

So what are we gonna do with all our free time?

I'm thinking sleeping till 3:00

and then drinking till the other 3:00.

Mm, that's a no for me. My schedule's packed.

Already? How?

Off-season is when we do all the stuff

we can't do during soccer.

I'm running for student government.

Have you seen those losers? I'm gon' clean up.

Why would you wanna do that?

Pad that grad school résumé, babe.

Yeah, I've got basketball. I'm a two-season athlete.

But you were just joking about sleeping

and drinking all day, right?

Yes, duh, totally.

I've got so much going on. Let's go.

Well, Ms. Finkle,

I think we're gonna be able to get you this loan.

Oh, my God, really? That's such a relief.

I'm happy to help. Do you, uh, have any questions?

- No. - Actually, yes.

When does the loan start accruing interest,

and is it fixed or variable?

Great questions.

Let me just get you this pamphlet.

Oh, wow.

Everyone in here looks so happy.

Kimberly, they're print models.

I've seen that girl in a NuvaRing ad.

Can you at least walk us through the payback structure?

Uh, well, with a loan your size,

you'd be paying about $900 a month for the next 30 years.

But with autopay, it's like you don't even know

the money's leaving your account.

You're gonna be paying this back until you're, like, 50.

Oh, the payoff age is actually late-60s on average.

Oh. I don't have any other options.

I'd like to go ahead with the loan.

Wonderful, let's get you that shmoney.

I'm just gonna go grab the paperwork

for your parents to cosign.

No!

I mean, what if that's not an option?

I'm sorry, but a cosigner is kind of a non-negotiable.

Oh, then I don't think I can do this.

Thanks for your time.

Welcome, funny ladies of Essex.

We're so happy you're interested in joining

our school's first ever, female-only comedy magazine.

I know what you're thinking.

Will it be hard to do this without a bunch of guys

who steal all their ideas from Conan and "SNL"?

No, it will not.

If you're in this room,

it means you're part of the movement...

Except for that guy, who's doing homework, I think.

We're still working on finding a permanent meeting space.

We're so excited to read your submissions.

Mm-hmm. In a few short days,

some of you lucky ladies will be joining us

in writing our groundbreaking first edition

as one of our newfound comedy sisters.

Holy shit, these girls are unfunny turds.

In a good way?

How would that be in a good way?

Bela, you're overreacting.

Some are... fine. Have you read these?

This girl wrote a poem about celiac disease,

and this girl wrote a phrase called "OBGY-LOL."

What does that even mean? So they have a lot to learn.

We'll teach them. I really need this to work.

I wanna write with writers that are funny,

like you and Jo.

- And me. - Sure.

Look, none of us thought we were gonna find

a bunch of amazing and hilarious people right away.

Just be patient, okay?

Okay.

♪ Never gonna be the same ♪

Sorry about your loan, Kimberly.

If it makes you feel any better,

my new comedy magazine's a disaster.

Really? Why?

Because they all stink.

I'm worried "The Catullan" was onto something

not letting women join until 1994.

- Mmm. - Look, I don't know anything

about comedy... So true.

So, so true.

But maybe, before you throw this all away,

you should talk to someone who's done it before.

That does seem like good advice.

Ooh, well, I have some cool news.

I'm gonna be on the water polo team.

- Really? - What?

I didn't know you played water polo.

Oh, I don't... yet. But it seems easy.

Based off a video I watched,

I think it's just pool soccer with hands.

And then we can hang out

with the water polo guys.

You know, maybe things are looking up.

Ow, my boob!

What the fuck?

Sorry. Not really, though.

♪ I don't need no drugs at the disco ♪

Now it's trash, you trash.

Put your clothes on.

♪ On the dance floor ♪

Aw, fuck. I gotta ice my boob.

Wait, what is that?

Did you guys hear that?

Oh, my God.

Sex noises!

Wait, that's the climate refugee.

That's his room.

Wonder who she is.

Well, whoever she is, she's having the time of her life.

They are being so loud.

It's literal noise pollution. I'm gonna knock.

- Don't you dare! - Oh, ow, ow.

Just let me record a little first.

Bela? It's 8:15 in the morning.

Why are you here? It's urgent.

How did you find my apartment?

It was a very conscious choice to not tell you where it was.

Look, my new magazine is a disaster.

All the applicants suck, which is why I've decided

to immediately give up and accept my old spot

on "The Catullan." Bela's back.

You're welcome.

Um, no.

I don't think anyone's gonna be excited to work with a girl

who left and stole all of our good writers.

They left willingly. "The Catullan" sucked.

You just said you wanted to come back to it.

Fine then. Will you join my magazine?

What can I say that will help you leave my apartment?

What do I do?

Um, okay,

so you're building a team, right?

So you gotta look at this as your LeBron moment.

This is your chance to put together a super comedy lineup.

Right? Like, LeBron didn't just wait

for people to come join the team.

He went out, and he found

Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.

Uh-huh, got it.

Can you put that in not sports terms?

Just find a bunch of funny people.

Cool.

Good morning, ladies.

Welcome to water polo tryouts.

We're gonna do a scrimmage so I can assess your skill level.

This seems fun.

You ever played water polo before?

Yup, I played competitively for eight years.

Yeah, I just started, but I'm pretty sure

it's gonna be my life now too.

Ooh, also, real quick, what are the rules?

Up, up, up, up! Let's go!

Come on, ladies! Get in the water!

Here we go, yes!

All right, let's go. Pass it!

How are you guys not using your arms to swim right now?

Come on, you got this!

- Whoo! - Which team am I on again?

Let's go! Quickly!

Me, I got it! I'm open...

Mm.

Transition! High!

- Oy. - I'm open! I'm ope...

You got knocked out, but I gave you mouth-to-mouth.

Thanks.

I think I get the rules now.

Should I jump back in?

No.

- So how'd it go with the loan? - Honestly, not great.

They said they need my parents to cosign my loan,

and I can't tell them what happened.

- So what are you gonna do? - Ooh, I have an idea.

My cousin got a bunch of money when she was hit by a city bus.

Do that. Actually, I found

a super high-paying second job I can do from my dorm room.

I'm typing up the closed captioning

for a reality show called "Sex Paradise: Australia."

- That's a job? - It sure is.

All I have to do is watch an episode,

listen very closely, and type up what they're saying...

And the noises they make in the Pleasure Hut...

For 20 freakin' bucks an hour. That's disgusting.

How many episodes are they paying you for?

It's 300 episodes a season.

So if I can find time to transcribe

for at least 50 hours a week, on top of my school work

and my Sips job, my finances will be totally taken care of.

That's too much.

You should just tell your mom what happened

and have her cosign a loan.

No, I'm gonna go with my thing.

Okay.

I don't have any other interests.

Okay, what would you say is my thing, besides soccer?

That you're cool.

- Mm-hmm. - And you're pretty.

And you can kind of sing karaoke, but not really.

Seriously, Canaan.

I don't get what's going on.

I guess I'm feeling... lost.

Okay, well, what do you wanna do with your life?

I don't know. What about you?

Well, I actually have a very detailed ten-year plan

that will hopefully lead me into starting my own hedge fund

that focuses on impact investing.

So I'll basically be helping people

while getting very, very rich.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

I feel like I'm the only person in college

who doesn't have their whole life already figured out.

It kind of sucks.

Well, I know you're gonna figure it out,

because you're smart, and whatever you put your mind to,

you're gonna kill it.

- Thank you. - Unless it's water polo.

I knew you were gonna do that.

Oh, my God, you guys.

Okay, there is so much snow already.

Are we sure this is safe?

Like, do people get boob frostbite?

I don't think so, but it's definitely worth a Google.

Okay, so the snow run ends at Frat Row,

where all the frats will be hosting big parties,

and since Theta's out,

I did some comprehensive Instagram stalking

to figure out the next best option,

and it is definitely Omega Pi.

Their guys are for sure the hottest

if anyone wants to check. Is that why

my printer is out of ink? It's 2022.

Why do you even have a printer? This is on you.

As I was saying, Omega Pi's hosting

a huge Winter Underland party.

It is gonna be lit, and we're all going.

Not me. I have to stay home and do some closed captioning.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

I think this is gonna be my new normal for a while.

All right. We gotta go, ladies.

Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait. Can I just say

that all three of us look so fucking hot right now

and that this is gonna be one of the best days of our lives!

Ah! Oh, my God!

Aah! Ah, my-ow, ow!

Ah! Bela, Bela, stop, stop.

- Get up! Get up! - Ow, ow, ow.

Jessica has just made

the bloody agonizing decision

to dump Braxton,

and now she deals with the consequences.

You know, it's, like, a game, right?

But it's also, like, finding love, you know?

What the fuck is she saying?

To dump Braxton,

and now she deals with the consequences.

You know, it's, like, a game, right?

But it's also, like, finding love, you know?

God damn it.

Can you please keep it down?

Shut up!

Assholes!

Everyone, drink up! We run in two minutes!

My eyeballs are cold.

- Yeah. - Uh, same.

- Hey! - Oh!

- You're here! - Kimberly!

What... I thought you had to work.

I don't think I can do that job.

Drunk Australian people are so hard to understand,

especially with our neighbor having sex so loud.

Well, you don't have to fix all your problems tonight,

but there is one thing you do have to do.

Exactly. Take off that coat.

Let me see those granny panties.

- Ah! - Ah.

- Oh! - God damn,

underneath all those unstylish clothes, you're, like, hot.

Oh, hell yeah,

congrats on the underwear glow-up, girl.

Everybody ready to run?

Three, two, one,

strip and go!

♪ Let's get to it and work ♪

♪ 'Cause I hope you work well under pressure ♪

♪ And you better work ♪

Move, bitch! I'm fast!

Ah!

♪ 'Cause I hope you work well under pressure ♪

Whoa.

Ow!

- Hey. - Yeah.

Fuck Theta. Omega Pi is where it's at.

I have never seen this many hot,

shirtless men in one place.

I know. I'm taking screenshots

but with my brain for later.

Same, except I also took a couple pictures on my phone.

Oh, see that pack of cis daddies right there?

I can see every single one of their dick shapes.

Homie on the right got a big ol' toddler arm

in his boxer briefs.

- Lila? - Hmm?

Would you ever be interested in writing a listicle

about dick shapes for my comedy magazine?

Well, I don't know what the fuck a listicle is,

but hell yes, bitch, let's do it.

Hey, I'm Sara.

Hey, I'm Kimberly. This is Leighton.

Cool. You wanna dance?

Um, I'm actually just dancing with my friend right now.

Okay.

I was actually gonna go to the bathroom,

so I'm gonna go do that.

So, uh, you want a shot?

From the smell of it, I'd say it's shockingly bad tequila.

Mm, horrible.

Yeah, I'm down.

No, let me do it for you.

Open your mouth.

Um, actually, I'm good. I'm good.

Um, sorry, but I only drink top shelf.

All right.

Thanks.

♪ I'm ready to go, so tell me, are ya, are ya? ♪

- Are my boobs poppin' out? - No, you're good.

I'm trying to make on-purpose nip slips my signature move.

Ooh.

Oh, that fucking climate refugee is here.

Holy shit. Look at him holding that beer.

Dude has Marvel arms.

Yeah. Yeah, now I kind of get

why that girl was being so loud.

- Hi. It's Jackson, right? - Yeah.

Well, I'm Kimberly. My room is right next to yours.

- Cool. - It's actually not cool,

because you've been at Essex for, like, three days,

and you're already having the loudest,

most performative sex in the world.

For your information, some of the people at this school

have some really important work to do,

and that's hard when you're,

you know, grunting your head off going like...

On the other side of some very,

very, thin drywall, okay?

- You done? - Yeah, I think so.

Well, just so you know, it actually kind of sucks

sharing a wall with you too.

What the hell ass TV show

have you been watching so loudly?

- It's called "Sex Paradise: Australia."

I didn't know you could hear it.

Oh, I can.

Let me see your phone.

I've already hit my data cap for the month,

so don't go on YouTube.

Here. Now you have my number.

Just shoot me a text

if anything on my side of the wall gets too loud.

- Yeah! - Ah, yes, bitch!

I don't know, man.

Thing is, she really doesn't have anything besides soccer,

so I didn't really know what to say, you know?

Boom! Let's go. That's mine.

That's all me. Run it back, run it back.

Hey. You good?

Yeah. Course I am.

Both: Ooh!

Ah. I just threw up in a trophy.

Who wants another shot?

Hey, whoa, whoa, you are way too wasted to be here.

I think I gotta take you home.

No, no, no...

- I'm gonna text you later. - Uh-huh.

Say goodbye, champ. It's time to go.

Time to go. Ugh, it tastes like

someone puked in my mouth!

Did you guys have fun tonight?

Yeah, we did! Thanks for asking!

Great,

because it'll be the last party you'll ever go to.

- Dude, what is your problem? - Seriously.

Who died and made you king of all the frats?

You're a Theta.

These are the girls I was telling you about,

the ones who narced on us.

You're a liability, bro.

A liability? More like like-ability.

We're a damn pleasure to have around.

Isn't that right? Both: Mm-hmm.

Y'all need to get the fuck out.

- Oh, my God. - We're gonna die.

- I'm getting nipple frostbite. - Fuck.

Barring the fact that we got banned from frats last night,

I still think we had a really fun time.

Kimberly got climate refugee's phone number.

For emergencies.

What about you, Leighton, did you chat up any hotties?

Fine. You're too classy to kiss and tell.

I get it.

Uh, actually, there is something

that I've been meaning to tell you guys.

I'm gay.

Wow, Leighton, that's awesome.

Should we hug? I feel like we should hug.

Uh, no, we don't... We don't need to hug.

Oh, Leighton, that's so cool. And I-I'm so shocked.

I mean, I had no idea. I guess it's like

my gaydar is way off or something.

Kimberly already knew, didn't she?

Uh-huh.

Mm.

She's been a really good friend about it, though.

She even tried to get me alone

with a girl at the party last night.

Oh, my God, the girl I saw you talking to.

She was so hot.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

Yeah, but then... then I, like, freaked out and got weird,

and she's probably not interested anymore, so...

No way. If you DM'd her right now,

I promise you it would be back on.

Slide into her DM.

- Yeah, message her. - Now, do it.

Both: Slide in, slide in.

All right, fine. Fine, I'll do it.

I said, "Hi."

Yes!

♪ We were ♪

♪ Cosmical beings ♪

How are you in here?

I literally had them change the buzzer code.

I waited for someone to exit.

I just wanted to say thank you

for your advice.

I found another super funny writer

who I think is gonna be great,

so it really helped.

You came here at 7:45 just for that?

Yeah, just that.

♪ Giving up my western trouble ♪

♪ Right now ♪

♪ Tell me not to be so subtle ♪

♪ Always want you to be near ♪

♪ Guess you'll know why I'm so tired ♪

♪ Too tired to be cool ♪

♪ Guess you'll know why I'm so tired ♪

♪ I want you, I want you ♪

♪ Never thought I'd miss the struggle ♪

♪ I don't ♪

♪ Giving all the kids some trouble ♪

♪ I just want you to be here ♪

Go to bed.