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Pawnee is, as you all know,
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the fourth most
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obese city in America.
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Soon to be number three.
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We're coming for you,
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San Antonio.
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No, we are not.
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We are slimming down.
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Starting right
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here at City Hall.
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I am implementing
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a government-wide
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health initiative.
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We could have a City Hall
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dodgeball league!
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I have first pick,
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and my pick is Ron.
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Great idea!
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Keep 'em coming.
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Now, if anybody
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would like to join me,
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I will be running backwards
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up the big hill
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behind the Walmart.
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Don't freak out,
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but Joe from Sewage
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just unhooked your
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bra with his eyes.
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What?
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Oh, boy.
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Hi, Joe.
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What's up, Knope?
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Looking good these days.
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What do you say?
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Van's out back.
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Let's roll.
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Where is this coming from?
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I don't know.
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You're putting out
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some vibe today.
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It's just driving me
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crazy.
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Listen, if you're
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looking for a good time,
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why don't you come on down
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to the Toilet Party?
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That's what we call
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the Sewage Department.
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Great. Okay.
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Liking the view.
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Still got it, Joe.
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No, you don't.
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Christopher.
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Got a second?
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Oh, hey, Ron.
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Listen. I've eaten
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a commissary hamburger
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for lunch every
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day for 12 years.
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I just wanted to make sure
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this pointless health
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crusade won't affect
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the only part of
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my job that I like.
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Oh, no,
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those hamburgers are gone.
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Red meat can
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cause sluggishness,
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heart disease, even impotence.
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Has the opposite
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effect on me.
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You ever tried
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a turkey burger?
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Is that a fried turkey leg
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inside a grilled hamburger?
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If so, yes. Delicious.
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A turkey burger.
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You take lean,
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ground turkey meat,
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you make that into a burger
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instead of red meat.
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Why would anyone
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do that to themselves?
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What if I told you
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that I could make a turkey
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burger that tastes better
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than any other
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burger you've ever had?
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Challenge accepted.
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Cook-off later
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today in the courtyard.
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If I win, hamburgers remain
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in the commissary.
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What do I get if I win?
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The rarest jewel of all.
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Victory over me, Ron Swanson.
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I like that.
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We're on.
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You know, I can't
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believe I'm saying this,
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but I actually checked out
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that snow globe museum
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that you recommended,
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and it was pretty awesome.
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Yeah.
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I have to say.
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I mean, I did get in
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trouble for shaking one...
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Yeah, I'm not
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allowed there anymore.
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So, I have some ideas
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for the health initiative.
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Oh, okay.
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How about I swing by later
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and we'll just, you know,
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we'll go over everything?
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Or we could go out
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after work.
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You know,
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go to J.J.'s or something,
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grab a bite?
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Um, I don't think I can.
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But why don't we just
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talk about it later,
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in this building?
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Okay? All right.
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But, you're great.
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And you have great ideas.
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And...
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Uh...
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Bye.
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Bye, babe.
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Hey, I brought this
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cholesterol testing kit
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for the health thing.
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Okay, let's do it.
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So, I asked Ben out to
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dinner and he said no.
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What?
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Yeah.
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He seemed really into you.
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What did he say exactly?
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He was like,
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"Huh? What? Uh... Bye."
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And then,
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he walked into an office
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that wasn't his.
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You know what?
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If he doesn't want
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to go out with you, he's nuts.
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You're awesome,
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and there's a million
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other guys out there.
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I have been having so much fun
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just dating a bunch of people.
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I know. Who was that
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guy you were talking
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to out there?
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And then also kissing?
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I was... Crap on a crayfish.
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That really stings.
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I haven't
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pricked you, yet.
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Oh, sorry.
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I was just picturing it.
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You know what?
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Maybe you need to
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cast a wider net.
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Have you thought
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about Internet dating?
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Really?
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I don't think that's for me.
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You're a monster.
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Still haven't
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done it, yet.
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You know what? I'll
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help you set up a profile.
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It'll be fun.
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All right. Yeah,
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let's do it. Okay.
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Good. I'm glad that's over.
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Oh, it's not.
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you, Ann!
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Who the hell is Forp?
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I don't know.
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I couldn't really hear him.
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It sounded like
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his name was Forp.
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Get his number?
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No.
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Good girl.
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Ron Swanson. April Ludgate.
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Hey, I'm just gonna pop over
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to Grain 'N Simple
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to get the very
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best ingredients
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for my burger.
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Do you wanna come?
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What is Grain 'N Simple?
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It's a health food store.
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Pawnee doesn't have
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a health food store.
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No, but Snerling does.
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And it's only
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a 40-minute drive.
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What are you doing, Andy?
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I'm getting healthier snacks
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for the shoeshine stand.
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Chris is a food genius.
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Did you know that
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the food you eat
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becomes energy?
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Yeah. Boom.
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That's spaghetti.
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Nachos. That's a cookie.
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That's my husband.
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See you tomorrow?
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Okay.
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Is that a different guy
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from earlier?
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What?
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Never mind.
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You ready to
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rock this profile?
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All right.
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Yellow-haired female.
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Likes waffles and news.
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Sexy, well-read blonde.
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Loves the sweeter things
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in life.
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Much better.
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Hobbies?
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Organizing my agenda.
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Wait, that doesn't sound fun.
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Jamming on my planner.
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Favorite place?
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Upstairs, there is
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this mural of wildflowers.
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And I like to sit on
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a bench in front of it.
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Really? It could be
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anywhere in the world.
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Paris, Hawaii,
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the Grand Canyon.
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Nope. Just the bench
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in front of the mural.
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What about, like,
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an actual meadow
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where wildflowers are?
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Eww, Ann.
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I'm scared of bees. Mural.
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Okay. What do you
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think of dogs?
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Love.
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Cats?
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Love.
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Fish?
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Love.
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Turtles?
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No opinion.
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They're condescending.
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Describe your ideal man.
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He's dark and mysterious.
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And he can sing.
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And he plays the organ.
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I think you just described
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the Phantom of the Opera.
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Hmm.
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Ah, Nirvana. Hey, guys.
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Hey, Chris.
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Amber. Annie. Bill. Johnny.
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No. I don't plan
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to buy anything here.
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I buy my burger ingredients
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at Food and Stuff,
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a discount food
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outlet equidistant
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from my home and my work.
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I came here
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for the same reason
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people go to the zoo.
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Shh.
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Look at that thing.
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Nature is amazing.
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Okay.
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Oh, my God. A 98% match?
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That's
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a soul mate-level match.
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I've never seen
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anything this high before.
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Awesome.
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Okay.
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I know what you're thinking.
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And you know what?
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You have to forget about Ben.
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He had his
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chance and he blew it.
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This computer could have found
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the future Mr. Leslie Knope.
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Yeah. Okay. Entire
301
00:06:40,860 --> 00:06:46,100
universe of guys I might
302
00:06:40,860 --> 00:06:46,100
date, let's see what you got.
303
00:06:52,210 --> 00:06:54,400
This is Craig at
304
00:06:52,210 --> 00:06:54,400
hoosiermate.com.
305
00:06:52,210 --> 00:06:54,400
How can I help you?
306
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,880
Craig, your service
307
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,880
is crap.
308
00:06:56,140 --> 00:06:57,240
Can you be more specific?
309
00:06:57,310 --> 00:06:59,910
Yes. Your soul mate match
310
00:06:57,310 --> 00:06:59,910
was totally wrong for me.
311
00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:02,880
I mean, I like him as
312
00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:02,880
a friend and everything,
313
00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:02,880
but I'd never go out with him.
314
00:07:02,950 --> 00:07:04,150
He's like
315
00:07:02,950 --> 00:07:04,150
a little sister to me.
316
00:07:04,220 --> 00:07:05,650
We have a very
317
00:07:04,220 --> 00:07:05,650
sophisticated algorithm
318
00:07:05,790 --> 00:07:07,220
that's paired up
319
00:07:05,790 --> 00:07:07,220
thousands of couples.
320
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,120
I actually met my
321
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,120
wife on the site.
322
00:07:09,190 --> 00:07:10,620
Really?
323
00:07:09,190 --> 00:07:10,620
Well, that's not gonna last.
324
00:07:10,690 --> 00:07:11,790
Excuse me?
325
00:07:10,690 --> 00:07:11,790
You heard me.
326
00:07:11,860 --> 00:07:13,730
Your marriage is a sham.
327
00:07:11,860 --> 00:07:13,730
Goodbye, Craig.
328
00:07:11,860 --> 00:07:13,730
No, actually...
329
00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:16,090
See you, sweetheart.
330
00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:19,170
He seems nice.
331
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,530
Eh, he kind of lives
332
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,530
in a barn. What's up?
333
00:07:21,670 --> 00:07:23,570
What's wrong with me?
334
00:07:21,670 --> 00:07:23,570
Why do good guys
335
00:07:21,670 --> 00:07:23,570
hate me
336
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:24,830
and gross guys love me?
337
00:07:24,910 --> 00:07:26,030
Diagnose me.
338
00:07:24,910 --> 00:07:26,030
You're a nurse.
339
00:07:26,110 --> 00:07:27,770
There's nothing
340
00:07:26,110 --> 00:07:27,770
wrong with you.
341
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,340
You're an intelligent, classy,
342
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,340
attractive woman.
343
00:07:31,550 --> 00:07:33,480
But for whatever reason,
344
00:07:31,550 --> 00:07:33,480
right now,
345
00:07:33,550 --> 00:07:35,740
only douchey guys
346
00:07:33,550 --> 00:07:35,740
are buying what
347
00:07:33,550 --> 00:07:35,740
you're selling.
348
00:07:35,950 --> 00:07:38,940
So, I should go and ask them
349
00:07:35,950 --> 00:07:38,940
what they think I'm selling.
350
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:41,960
A douche-vestigation.
351
00:07:42,490 --> 00:07:43,820
Nice.
352
00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:46,560
Hi, Joe.
353
00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:46,560
I know you're gonna
354
00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:46,560
take this the wrong way,
355
00:07:46,630 --> 00:07:48,120
but can I talk to
356
00:07:46,630 --> 00:07:48,120
you for a second?
357
00:07:48,860 --> 00:07:50,920
You can do anything to me,
358
00:07:48,860 --> 00:07:50,920
for any number of seconds.
359
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,020
Hmm.
360
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:53,660
Would you like to
361
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:53,660
talk outside in my van?
362
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:58,870
No, here's fine.
363
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:58,870
I was flattered by
364
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:58,870
what you said earlier.
365
00:07:59,210 --> 00:08:01,900
And I was just wondering,
366
00:07:59,210 --> 00:08:01,900
what do you look
367
00:07:59,210 --> 00:08:01,900
for in a woman?
368
00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:06,710
She can't be in a wheelchair.
369
00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:06,710
No canes. No gray hair.
370
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,080
So, basically,
371
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,080
you're just attracted to me
372
00:08:08,220 --> 00:08:09,510
because I'm not
373
00:08:08,220 --> 00:08:09,510
an elderly person.
374
00:08:09,580 --> 00:08:14,750
Yeah. And as I aforementioned,
375
00:08:09,580 --> 00:08:14,750
you have a killer dumpster.
376
00:08:17,190 --> 00:08:18,350
What does this do?
377
00:08:25,730 --> 00:08:29,400
Would you like to
378
00:08:25,730 --> 00:08:29,400
sample our vegan bacon?
379
00:08:25,730 --> 00:08:29,400
100% meatless.
380
00:08:29,670 --> 00:08:31,070
Yes, please.
381
00:08:35,180 --> 00:08:36,370
Another, please.
382
00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:43,220
Sir? Is there a problem?
383
00:08:43,350 --> 00:08:46,150
I'm just making
384
00:08:43,350 --> 00:08:46,150
sure no one ever has
385
00:08:43,350 --> 00:08:46,150
to eat this.
386
00:08:46,790 --> 00:08:48,690
I don't think I can
387
00:08:46,790 --> 00:08:48,690
give you any more.
388
00:08:49,020 --> 00:08:50,010
I want one.
389
00:08:50,460 --> 00:08:51,450
Hey.
390
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,760
Yeah, I'm calling to
391
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,760
lodge a complaint about
392
00:08:56,900 --> 00:08:59,060
the seaweed and
393
00:08:56,900 --> 00:08:59,060
almond under-eye cream
394
00:08:59,130 --> 00:09:01,160
I purchased from you guys.
395
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,300
Oh, my problem is
396
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,300
it smells terrible.
397
00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:04,870
Yeah, I even mixed it
398
00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:04,870
with another
399
00:09:05,010 --> 00:09:06,370
under-eye cream
400
00:09:05,010 --> 00:09:06,370
and it still smelled.
401
00:09:06,510 --> 00:09:09,540
So, I ruined two eye creams.
402
00:09:06,510 --> 00:09:09,540
Yes, I will hold.
403
00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:17,410
Forever young,
404
00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:17,410
I wanna be forever young
405
00:09:18,020 --> 00:09:20,750
Do you really
406
00:09:18,020 --> 00:09:20,750
wanna live forever
407
00:09:22,860 --> 00:09:23,920
What's this?
408
00:09:24,060 --> 00:09:25,120
Dragon fruit.
409
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:27,860
What's this?
410
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,730
A kiwano, or horned melon.
411
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:30,990
What's this?
412
00:09:31,130 --> 00:09:32,360
A peach.
413
00:09:33,970 --> 00:09:34,960
I knew that.
414
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:40,000
Wow!
415
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:40,000
Fresh lettuce is my
416
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:40,000
all-time favorite food.
417
00:09:40,410 --> 00:09:41,400
What's your favorite food?
418
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:45,380
Well, I take Skittles,
419
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:45,380
and I put it
420
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:45,380
between two Starbursts.
421
00:09:45,610 --> 00:09:47,410
You know what I call it?
422
00:09:45,610 --> 00:09:47,410
Skittle sandwich?
423
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:51,780
That's pretty good.
424
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:51,780
No, I call it
425
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:51,780
Andy's mouth surprise.
426
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:56,280
It's nice because
427
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:56,280
the flavor of the Starbursts
428
00:09:56,590 --> 00:10:01,500
really bring out
429
00:09:56,590 --> 00:10:01,500
a similar flavor
430
00:09:56,590 --> 00:10:01,500
in the Skittles.
431
00:10:03,130 --> 00:10:05,900
Forever young I wanna be...
432
00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:07,970
Hey, Tom.
433
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:09,530
What's up?
434
00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,770
Do you wanna go to lunch?
435
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,470
No, I don't really
436
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,470
feel like going to J.J.'s.
437
00:10:14,540 --> 00:10:16,880
We can go anywhere.
438
00:10:14,540 --> 00:10:16,880
Your choice.
439
00:10:14,540 --> 00:10:16,880
I'm buying.
440
00:10:17,580 --> 00:10:19,340
Can I get apps
441
00:10:17,580 --> 00:10:19,340
and 'zerts?
442
00:10:19,710 --> 00:10:21,580
'Zerts are what
443
00:10:19,710 --> 00:10:21,580
I call desserts.
444
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,080
Tray-trays are entrees.
445
00:10:23,150 --> 00:10:26,490
I call sandwiches sammies,
446
00:10:23,150 --> 00:10:26,490
sandoozles,
447
00:10:23,150 --> 00:10:26,490
or Adam Sandlers.
448
00:10:26,790 --> 00:10:29,190
Air conditioners are
449
00:10:26,790 --> 00:10:29,190
cool blasterz, with a Z.
450
00:10:29,260 --> 00:10:30,490
I don't know
451
00:10:29,260 --> 00:10:30,490
where that came from.
452
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,650
I call cakes
453
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,650
big ol' cookies.
454
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:34,960
I call noodles
455
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:34,960
long-ass rice.
456
00:10:35,030 --> 00:10:37,230
Fried chicken is
457
00:10:35,030 --> 00:10:37,230
fry-fry chicky-chick.
458
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,490
Chicken parm is
459
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,490
chicky-chicky parm-parm.
460
00:10:39,570 --> 00:10:41,760
Chicken cacciatore?
461
00:10:39,570 --> 00:10:41,760
Chicky catch.
462
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,670
I call eggs
463
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,670
pre-birds or future birds.
464
00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:46,500
Root beer is super water.
465
00:10:46,810 --> 00:10:48,400
Tortillas are bean blankies.
466
00:10:48,540 --> 00:10:51,840
And I call forks food rakes.
467
00:10:53,050 --> 00:10:55,570
Yeah.
468
00:10:53,050 --> 00:10:55,570
You can get as many 'zerts
469
00:10:53,050 --> 00:10:55,570
as you want.
470
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,780
Well, let's get
471
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,780
in my go-go mobile.
472
00:10:58,290 --> 00:10:59,280
Car.
473
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:03,060
This'll be fun.
474
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:03,060
Let's say you rub a bottle
475
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:03,060
and a genie comes out
476
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,220
and gives you three wishes.
477
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,220
What would those wishes be?
478
00:11:05,430 --> 00:11:07,020
Come on, Leslie.
479
00:11:05,430 --> 00:11:07,020
This'll be a fun game.
480
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,190
Three wishes. Go.
481
00:11:08,330 --> 00:11:11,860
Okay. First wish?
482
00:11:08,330 --> 00:11:11,860
I have a huge house
483
00:11:08,330 --> 00:11:11,860
with a ton of balconies.
484
00:11:12,170 --> 00:11:13,190
Yeah. Okay.
485
00:11:13,270 --> 00:11:14,430
And I would just
486
00:11:13,270 --> 00:11:14,430
stand out there
487
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:17,130
and survey my empire,
488
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:17,130
like a drug dealer
489
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:17,130
in a Michael Bay movie.
490
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,400
And I'll just
491
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,400
spend my time out there
492
00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:22,810
reading my iPad and
493
00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:22,810
drinking espressos
494
00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:22,810
in a terry cloth robe.
495
00:11:24,110 --> 00:11:25,140
Wish number two.
496
00:11:25,210 --> 00:11:29,010
Okay. I'm the CEO of
497
00:11:25,210 --> 00:11:29,010
the Spike TV network.
498
00:11:29,380 --> 00:11:34,410
And my best friend
499
00:11:29,380 --> 00:11:34,410
slash personal assistant
500
00:11:29,380 --> 00:11:34,410
is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx.
501
00:11:34,590 --> 00:11:37,890
And we create
502
00:11:34,590 --> 00:11:37,890
a raunchy animated series
503
00:11:34,590 --> 00:11:37,890
based on our friendship,
504
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:40,500
called Tommy and the Foxx.
505
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,330
Okay. We don't have
506
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,330
to do this anymore.
507
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,960
No, no. I'm into it now.
508
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,960
Wish number three.
509
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,960
They remake Point Break.
510
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,530
I play both roles.
511
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,530
Keanu and Swayze.
512
00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:52,340
I think if you
513
00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:52,340
continue cross-training
514
00:11:52,470 --> 00:11:53,840
the way you have,
515
00:11:52,470 --> 00:11:53,840
you're gonna...
516
00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:58,140
I don't see any ingredients.
517
00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:58,140
Have you bought ingredients?
518
00:11:58,450 --> 00:11:59,610
Nope.
519
00:11:59,750 --> 00:12:02,010
Do you need
520
00:11:59,750 --> 00:12:02,010
help shopping?
521
00:11:59,750 --> 00:12:02,010
No.
522
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,380
Are you hurt?
523
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,380
Can you move?
524
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,380
Never felt better.
525
00:12:04,450 --> 00:12:07,950
Chris! Can I get these?
526
00:12:08,090 --> 00:12:09,720
I said one thing.
527
00:12:11,190 --> 00:12:12,390
Honey?
528
00:12:12,460 --> 00:12:13,550
Pinwheel.
529
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,930
Let's play a different game.
530
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,930
I'm gonna say stuff about me,
531
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,730
and you say,
532
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,730
on a scale from 1 to 10,
533
00:12:19,870 --> 00:12:21,630
how interested in
534
00:12:19,870 --> 00:12:21,630
that thing you are.
535
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:23,200
Ready?
536
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:23,200
Okay.
537
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:26,100
I love sunshine
538
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:26,100
and fresh air
539
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:26,100
and early-morning walks.
540
00:12:26,270 --> 00:12:28,000
One.
541
00:12:26,270 --> 00:12:28,000
I've read five biographies
542
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,170
of Eleanor Roosevelt.
543
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,170
One.
544
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:30,970
I work at
545
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:30,970
the Parks and Recreation...
546
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:30,970
One.
547
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:32,170
That's what you do.
548
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:32,170
One.
549
00:12:32,350 --> 00:12:33,910
I once kissed
550
00:12:32,350 --> 00:12:33,910
a girl in college.
551
00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:35,110
Eight.
552
00:12:35,180 --> 00:12:37,150
Where I graduated
553
00:12:35,180 --> 00:12:37,150
summa cum laude
554
00:12:35,180 --> 00:12:37,150
in history.
555
00:12:37,220 --> 00:12:40,020
One. Zero. Negative a billion.
556
00:12:37,220 --> 00:12:40,020
Don't talk about
557
00:12:37,220 --> 00:12:40,020
it anymore, please.
558
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,980
I love Food and Stuff.
559
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,100
It's where I buy
560
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,100
all of my food.
561
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,460
And most of my stuff.
562
00:12:53,970 --> 00:12:55,100
Hey, can I get these?
563
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:56,400
How much are they?
564
00:12:56,970 --> 00:12:58,440
Two bucks apiece.
565
00:12:58,510 --> 00:12:59,630
Good deal.
566
00:13:01,510 --> 00:13:02,740
Anything else?
567
00:13:02,810 --> 00:13:05,370
Nope. Just the crows
568
00:13:02,810 --> 00:13:05,370
and the beef.
569
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,650
So, the only thing
570
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,650
that's important
571
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,650
to you is hotness?
572
00:13:08,780 --> 00:13:11,510
Wendy? Lucy? All you
573
00:13:08,780 --> 00:13:11,510
cared about was
574
00:13:08,780 --> 00:13:11,510
the shape of their boobs?
575
00:13:11,590 --> 00:13:14,920
No, I really liked them,
576
00:13:11,590 --> 00:13:14,920
and they happened
577
00:13:11,590 --> 00:13:14,920
to have nice breasts.
578
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,630
You're acting really weird.
579
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,630
What did you even
580
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,630
buy me lunch for?
581
00:13:17,690 --> 00:13:20,090
Just so you could yell at me
582
00:13:17,690 --> 00:13:20,090
for what I like about women?
583
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,090
Okay. Promise
584
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,090
not to tell anyone?
585
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:24,150
Sure.
586
00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:28,640
This is insane,
587
00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:28,640
but you and I got matched up
588
00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:28,640
on hoosiermate.com.
589
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,600
98% match.
590
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:34,170
Soul mate-level match.
591
00:13:36,610 --> 00:13:39,380
You wanna date me!
592
00:13:36,610 --> 00:13:39,380
This is a date!
593
00:13:39,450 --> 00:13:41,140
This is not
594
00:13:39,450 --> 00:13:41,140
a date, okay?
595
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:44,780
You took me to
596
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:44,780
a fancy restaurant,
597
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:44,780
you paid for my meal,
598
00:13:44,850 --> 00:13:46,120
and you're trying to
599
00:13:44,850 --> 00:13:46,120
get to know me better.
600
00:13:46,190 --> 00:13:47,880
I was just trying to
601
00:13:46,190 --> 00:13:47,880
figure out why only
602
00:13:48,020 --> 00:13:49,720
sleazy guys are
603
00:13:48,020 --> 00:13:49,720
into me right now.
604
00:13:49,790 --> 00:13:52,260
Nice try. You love me.
605
00:13:52,930 --> 00:13:55,520
Leslie Knope,
606
00:13:52,930 --> 00:13:55,520
Tom Haverford
607
00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:58,290
Dating in the day,
608
00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:58,290
dating in the night
609
00:13:58,430 --> 00:14:00,900
Dating all day 'cause
610
00:13:58,430 --> 00:14:00,900
he's keeping it tight
611
00:14:00,970 --> 00:14:01,960
All right, Tom. Enough.
612
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,510
Dating in the car,
613
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,510
dating on the floor
614
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:07,130
Dating everywhere
615
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:07,130
'cause she wants some more
616
00:14:07,210 --> 00:14:10,670
What, yeah,
617
00:14:07,210 --> 00:14:10,670
oh, we're going to, yeah...
618
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,210
Hey, Tom,
619
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,210
I'm just printing out
620
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,210
these health tips.
621
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:15,680
Can you grab them for me?
622
00:14:15,750 --> 00:14:18,810
One second.
623
00:14:15,750 --> 00:14:18,810
I'm just looking at
624
00:14:15,750 --> 00:14:18,810
some real estate listings.
625
00:14:19,420 --> 00:14:21,290
Oh, this is perfect for us.
626
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,350
Three-bedroom, and...
627
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,350
Oh, God, Les.
628
00:14:25,590 --> 00:14:27,490
It has that dream closet
629
00:14:25,590 --> 00:14:27,490
you've always wanted.
630
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:28,590
A walk-in closet.
631
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:29,650
Oh, God.
632
00:14:29,730 --> 00:14:32,700
Hey, hey, boo.
633
00:14:29,730 --> 00:14:32,700
What's wrong?
634
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:36,260
Where did you go?
635
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:36,260
Come back to me.
636
00:14:36,340 --> 00:14:37,400
Stop it.
637
00:14:37,470 --> 00:14:39,740
Don't disappear on me.
638
00:14:37,470 --> 00:14:39,740
I need you, boo.
639
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:46,510
All right. Let's get into it.
640
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:46,510
What do you guys
641
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:46,510
have for health tips?
642
00:14:46,580 --> 00:14:48,740
Ben, if it's okay
643
00:14:46,580 --> 00:14:48,740
with you, Leslie and I
644
00:14:48,820 --> 00:14:50,280
are going to lead
645
00:14:48,820 --> 00:14:50,280
the meeting today,
646
00:14:50,350 --> 00:14:52,650
because of our deep
647
00:14:50,350 --> 00:14:52,650
spiritual connection.
648
00:14:53,190 --> 00:14:56,520
Okay. All right.
649
00:14:53,190 --> 00:14:56,520
Is everything okay or...
650
00:14:56,590 --> 00:14:57,650
Oh, yeah.
651
00:14:56,590 --> 00:14:57,650
Okay.
652
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,090
Everything is great, Ben.
653
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,930
Les and I just had
654
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,930
something magical
655
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,930
happen today at lunch.
656
00:15:03,730 --> 00:15:06,220
There is some weird juju
657
00:15:03,730 --> 00:15:06,220
in this room right now.
658
00:15:06,430 --> 00:15:09,770
Office yoga. We do stretches
659
00:15:06,430 --> 00:15:09,770
at our desk or
660
00:15:06,430 --> 00:15:09,770
next to our desk
661
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,500
or in a chair.
662
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,500
Always good for you.
663
00:15:14,010 --> 00:15:16,940
We give everyone pedometers
664
00:15:14,010 --> 00:15:16,940
and we have a contest.
665
00:15:17,010 --> 00:15:19,450
Whoever takes
666
00:15:17,010 --> 00:15:19,450
the most steps wins a prize.
667
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,150
Anything to get
668
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,150
their heart rate up.
669
00:15:22,420 --> 00:15:24,410
You know what else
670
00:15:22,420 --> 00:15:24,410
gets people's heart rate up?
671
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:26,510
Doing it.
672
00:15:27,090 --> 00:15:29,390
Talking about
673
00:15:27,090 --> 00:15:29,390
sex with my boss.
674
00:15:32,090 --> 00:15:33,790
Can you excuse
675
00:15:32,090 --> 00:15:33,790
us for a second?
676
00:15:32,090 --> 00:15:33,790
Yeah.
677
00:15:33,860 --> 00:15:35,850
Hey. Can I talk to
678
00:15:33,860 --> 00:15:35,850
you for a second?
679
00:15:35,930 --> 00:15:36,950
Let me get off the chair.
680
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,700
Hey...
681
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,700
What is wrong with you?
682
00:15:38,830 --> 00:15:41,800
Leslie. It's the workplace.
683
00:15:38,830 --> 00:15:41,800
You're being a little
684
00:15:38,830 --> 00:15:41,800
bit too feisty right now.
685
00:15:41,870 --> 00:15:44,460
You are being
686
00:15:41,870 --> 00:15:44,460
a little bit too much
687
00:15:41,870 --> 00:15:44,460
of an ass right now. Okay?
688
00:15:44,540 --> 00:15:46,010
Knock it off.
689
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,210
I can't fight
690
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,210
this feeling anymore.
691
00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:51,310
You and I, we're dating.
692
00:15:55,850 --> 00:15:56,840
You should be so lucky.
693
00:15:57,050 --> 00:15:58,780
Leslie.
694
00:15:57,050 --> 00:15:58,780
Huh?
695
00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:00,810
Tom.
696
00:16:05,190 --> 00:16:06,820
They should fix that.
697
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,260
It was all just a joke.
698
00:16:10,330 --> 00:16:12,990
I can assure you,
699
00:16:10,330 --> 00:16:12,990
there's nothing romantic
700
00:16:10,330 --> 00:16:12,990
going on between me and Tom.
701
00:16:13,070 --> 00:16:15,700
I have a very strict policy.
702
00:16:13,070 --> 00:16:15,700
No office relationships,
703
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,640
particularly
704
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,640
between a supervisor
705
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,640
and an employee.
706
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,440
The taxpayers pay us.
707
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,440
So, we can't have
708
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,440
anything appearing
709
00:16:22,510 --> 00:16:23,530
even remotely scandalous.
710
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,310
I'm just saying,
711
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,310
if you can't keep
712
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,310
your mouth to yourself,
713
00:16:25,380 --> 00:16:26,400
I'm gonna have
714
00:16:25,380 --> 00:16:26,400
to suspend you.
715
00:16:26,710 --> 00:16:27,700
I understand.
716
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,440
Look. Cucumber flower.
717
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:32,050
Wow, that's so cute.
718
00:16:33,490 --> 00:16:35,290
Wait, that's a garnish.
719
00:16:33,490 --> 00:16:35,290
You're not
720
00:16:33,490 --> 00:16:35,290
supposed to eat that.
721
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:36,350
What?
722
00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:38,150
So, just type up those
723
00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:38,150
ones we talked about,
724
00:16:38,290 --> 00:16:40,020
and we'll get it
725
00:16:38,290 --> 00:16:40,020
finalized tomorrow.
726
00:16:40,190 --> 00:16:41,180
Yep.
727
00:16:42,260 --> 00:16:43,360
Hey, Tom.
728
00:16:42,260 --> 00:16:43,360
Yeah.
729
00:16:45,870 --> 00:16:48,460
What was all that
730
00:16:45,870 --> 00:16:48,460
stuff with you and Leslie?
731
00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:51,170
Girl likes Indian food.
732
00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:51,170
What can I say?
733
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:54,600
Fine. We got matched up
734
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:54,600
on an online dating site.
735
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,800
And I was messing
736
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,800
with her, she got pissed.
737
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,780
So, she took me
738
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,780
out in the hallway
739
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,780
and kissed me, out of revenge.
740
00:17:00,110 --> 00:17:01,170
Really?
741
00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:04,910
And as much as it
742
00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:04,910
pains me to admit this,
743
00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:04,910
it was not disgusting.
744
00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:06,960
Okay. Well,
745
00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:06,960
I don't need the details
746
00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:06,960
or anything.
747
00:17:07,020 --> 00:17:08,680
I'm just saying.
748
00:17:07,020 --> 00:17:08,680
She knows what to do.
749
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:09,850
All right.
750
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,650
Like, I was impressed.
751
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,650
Yeah.
752
00:17:11,890 --> 00:17:13,690
It was stirring.
753
00:17:13,790 --> 00:17:15,490
Goodbye.
754
00:17:13,790 --> 00:17:15,490
It felt like...
755
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:16,650
Yeah.
756
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:16,650
All right.
757
00:17:16,730 --> 00:17:17,930
Just...
758
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,520
Anyway, like I was saying...
759
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,330
I humbly place before you
760
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,870
my east-meets-west patented
761
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,870
Traeger Turkey Burger,
762
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:28,180
an Asian-fusion burger
763
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:28,180
made with Willow Farms
764
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:28,180
organic turkey,
765
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:31,080
a toasted taleggio
766
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:31,080
cheese crisp,
767
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:31,080
papaya chutney,
768
00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:33,440
black truffle aioli,
769
00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:33,440
and microgreens
770
00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:35,880
on a gluten-free
771
00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:35,880
brioche bun. Enjoy.
772
00:17:36,050 --> 00:17:37,180
Mmm.
773
00:17:37,250 --> 00:17:39,580
This tastes as
774
00:17:37,250 --> 00:17:39,580
delicious as Beyoncé smells.
775
00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:40,850
I'm guessing.
776
00:17:41,020 --> 00:17:43,220
What is this in here?
777
00:17:41,020 --> 00:17:43,220
Saffron?
778
00:17:43,290 --> 00:17:45,260
Wow! Somebody's
779
00:17:43,290 --> 00:17:45,260
got a sharp palate.
780
00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:47,560
I love the umami flavor.
781
00:17:47,630 --> 00:17:49,490
Stop being
782
00:17:47,630 --> 00:17:49,490
so pretentious, Kyle.
783
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:50,550
Sorry.
784
00:17:50,630 --> 00:17:56,090
Here's mine. It's a hamburger,
785
00:17:50,630 --> 00:17:56,090
made out of meat,
786
00:17:50,630 --> 00:17:56,090
on a bun, with nothing.
787
00:17:56,940 --> 00:17:59,600
Add ketchup if you want.
788
00:17:56,940 --> 00:17:59,600
I couldn't care less.
789
00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:03,880
Ron, I am so disappointed.
790
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:05,850
I thought that
791
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:05,850
you and I were gonna
792
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:05,850
have a real challenge.
793
00:18:06,410 --> 00:18:07,640
Never mind.
794
00:18:06,410 --> 00:18:07,640
This is better.
795
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:08,710
Way better.
796
00:18:08,850 --> 00:18:10,180
Mmm. Yep.
797
00:18:08,850 --> 00:18:10,180
Mmm-hmm.
798
00:18:11,050 --> 00:18:12,040
Kyle?
799
00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:13,820
Sorry, Andy.
800
00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:13,820
Ron's is better.
801
00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:18,290
Damn it, Kyle. Oh, my God.
802
00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:18,290
It's so much better,
803
00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:18,290
it's crazy.
804
00:18:19,330 --> 00:18:22,230
Turkey can never
805
00:18:19,330 --> 00:18:22,230
beat cow, Chris. Sorry.
806
00:18:23,130 --> 00:18:24,390
Well, I don't understand.
807
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:27,030
I've tinkered with
808
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:27,030
this recipe for years.
809
00:18:27,370 --> 00:18:30,270
Granted, it's been
810
00:18:27,370 --> 00:18:30,270
a long time since
811
00:18:27,370 --> 00:18:30,270
I've had a hamburger.
812
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:40,280
This is better.
813
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:40,280
The commissary
814
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:40,280
will continue to serve
815
00:18:40,350 --> 00:18:42,370
horrifying,
816
00:18:40,350 --> 00:18:42,370
artery-clogging
817
00:18:40,350 --> 00:18:42,370
hamburgers.
818
00:18:46,490 --> 00:18:49,320
Man. We spent, like, 50 hours
819
00:18:46,490 --> 00:18:49,320
working on those burgers.
820
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,090
I know.
821
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,090
Hard work
822
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,090
never pays off.
823
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:53,150
Cooking is dumb.
824
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:59,200
I swear on this dead
825
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:59,200
crow that I will
826
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:59,200
never cook for you.
827
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,230
I love you.
828
00:19:02,870 --> 00:19:04,900
I just wanted to make sure
829
00:19:02,870 --> 00:19:04,900
that there were
830
00:19:02,870 --> 00:19:04,900
no hard feelings
831
00:19:04,970 --> 00:19:06,500
after I forced you
832
00:19:04,970 --> 00:19:06,500
to break up with Tom.
833
00:19:06,870 --> 00:19:10,440
Oh, we weren't...
834
00:19:06,870 --> 00:19:10,440
No. No hard feelings.
835
00:19:10,710 --> 00:19:13,440
'Cause it's just
836
00:19:10,710 --> 00:19:13,440
a real bugaboo of mine.
837
00:19:10,710 --> 00:19:13,440
And it applies to everyone.
838
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:15,910
Just the other day,
839
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:15,910
Ben told me that he might
840
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:17,540
want to socialize
841
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:17,540
with somebody
842
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:17,540
from the government
843
00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:19,380
and I said, "I'm sorry.
844
00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:19,380
Not possible."
845
00:19:19,790 --> 00:19:22,220
Really? Did he say who?
846
00:19:22,790 --> 00:19:26,280
No, and I didn't ask.
847
00:19:22,790 --> 00:19:26,280
Because it's irrelevant.
848
00:19:22,790 --> 00:19:26,280
He oversees every department.
849
00:19:26,630 --> 00:19:29,720
It simply can't happen.
850
00:19:26,630 --> 00:19:29,720
This is literally the best
851
00:19:26,630 --> 00:19:29,720
thing I've ever eaten.
852
00:19:30,330 --> 00:19:32,460
Mmm. And it's so bad for me.
853
00:19:32,530 --> 00:19:35,090
I'm gonna have
854
00:19:32,530 --> 00:19:35,090
to jog while I digest this.
855
00:19:32,530 --> 00:19:35,090
Excuse me.
856
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,060
Hey. What's up?
857
00:19:38,140 --> 00:19:41,510
Hey. Well, I think
858
00:19:38,140 --> 00:19:41,510
I'm allergic to chutney.
859
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,540
Also, what's chutney?
860
00:19:43,940 --> 00:19:45,340
No clue.
861
00:19:43,940 --> 00:19:45,340
Yeah.
862
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:47,080
Hey, I never got
863
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:47,080
to tell you the rest
864
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:47,080
of my ideas.
865
00:19:47,150 --> 00:19:49,050
You wanna go somewhere
866
00:19:47,150 --> 00:19:49,050
and talk about them?
867
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:52,680
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.
868
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:52,680
Let me get some actual food,
869
00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:57,710
and then, do you know
870
00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:57,710
that wildflower mural
871
00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:57,710
up on the second floor?
872
00:19:58,160 --> 00:19:59,180
Mmm-hmm.
873
00:19:59,260 --> 00:20:00,960
Yeah? You wanna meet there?
874
00:20:02,030 --> 00:20:03,020
Yeah.
875
00:20:02,030 --> 00:20:03,020
Okay.
876
00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:04,090
Sounds good.
877
00:20:04,530 --> 00:20:06,470
I don't know if
878
00:20:04,530 --> 00:20:06,470
the online thing is for me.
879
00:20:06,930 --> 00:20:09,270
I prefer to meet
880
00:20:06,930 --> 00:20:09,270
people in person.
881
00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:12,930
It's like door number two
882
00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:12,930
on Let's Make a Deal.
883
00:20:13,940 --> 00:20:16,430
Do you want
884
00:20:13,940 --> 00:20:16,430
the thing that you have,
885
00:20:16,580 --> 00:20:19,100
that you know you like,
886
00:20:16,580 --> 00:20:19,100
but isn't perfect,
887
00:20:20,250 --> 00:20:22,770
or do you give
888
00:20:20,250 --> 00:20:22,770
it up for what's
889
00:20:20,250 --> 00:20:22,770
behind door number two?
890
00:20:25,250 --> 00:20:26,580
I think I like what I have.
891
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,850
I'm gonna try to
892
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,850
make it work with Tom.
893
00:20:31,590 --> 00:20:32,580
I'm kidding!
894
00:20:34,460 --> 00:20:37,690
All right, be honest, Tom.
895
00:20:34,460 --> 00:20:37,690
How did you and
896
00:20:34,460 --> 00:20:37,690
I get matched up?
897
00:20:38,030 --> 00:20:39,560
I made 26 profiles,
898
00:20:39,630 --> 00:20:41,430
each designed to attract
899
00:20:39,630 --> 00:20:41,430
a different type of girl.
900
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,140
Tom A. Haverford.
901
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,140
Sporty and sexy.
902
00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:47,470
Tom B. Haverford,
903
00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:47,470
smooth and soulful.
904
00:20:47,910 --> 00:20:49,380
Which letter did you get?
905
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,070
N, Tom N. Haverford.
906
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,770
The N
907
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,770
stands for nerd!
908
00:20:53,850 --> 00:20:56,040
I never even check that one,
909
00:20:53,850 --> 00:20:56,040
'cause no one
910
00:20:53,850 --> 00:20:56,040
ever responds to it.
911
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,180
Okay. Well, whatever.
912
00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,410
Tom N. Haverford
913
00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,410
collects globes.
914
00:20:59,490 --> 00:21:00,550
Great. That's enough.
915
00:21:00,620 --> 00:21:02,680
His favorite movie
916
00:21:00,620 --> 00:21:02,680
is books.
917
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:04,110
Donna?
918
00:21:08,660 --> 00:21:10,820
Every time I want you
919
00:21:08,660 --> 00:21:10,820
to shut up, from now on.
49487
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