Original subtitles

Pawnee is, as you all know,

the fourth most

obese city in America.

Soon to be number three.

We're coming for you,

San Antonio.

No, we are not.

We are slimming down.

Starting right

here at City Hall.

I am implementing

a government-wide

health initiative.

We could have a City Hall

dodgeball league!

I have first pick,

and my pick is Ron.

Great idea!

Keep 'em coming.

Now, if anybody

would like to join me,

I will be running backwards

up the big hill

behind the Walmart.

Don't freak out,

but Joe from Sewage

just unhooked your

bra with his eyes.

What?

Oh, boy.

Hi, Joe.

What's up, Knope?

Looking good these days.

What do you say?

Van's out back.

Let's roll.

Where is this coming from?

I don't know.

You're putting out

some vibe today.

It's just driving me

crazy.

Listen, if you're

looking for a good time,

why don't you come on down

to the Toilet Party?

That's what we call

the Sewage Department.

Great. Okay.

Liking the view.

Still got it, Joe.

No, you don't.

Christopher.

Got a second?

Oh, hey, Ron.

Listen. I've eaten

a commissary hamburger

for lunch every

day for 12 years.

I just wanted to make sure

this pointless health

crusade won't affect

the only part of

my job that I like.

Oh, no,

those hamburgers are gone.

Red meat can

cause sluggishness,

heart disease, even impotence.

Has the opposite

effect on me.

You ever tried

a turkey burger?

Is that a fried turkey leg

inside a grilled hamburger?

If so, yes. Delicious.

A turkey burger.

You take lean,

ground turkey meat,

you make that into a burger

instead of red meat.

Why would anyone

do that to themselves?

What if I told you

that I could make a turkey

burger that tastes better

than any other

burger you've ever had?

Challenge accepted.

Cook-off later

today in the courtyard.

If I win, hamburgers remain

in the commissary.

What do I get if I win?

The rarest jewel of all.

Victory over me, Ron Swanson.

I like that.

We're on.

You know, I can't

believe I'm saying this,

but I actually checked out

that snow globe museum

that you recommended,

and it was pretty awesome.

Yeah.

I have to say.

I mean, I did get in

trouble for shaking one...

Yeah, I'm not

allowed there anymore.

So, I have some ideas

for the health initiative.

Oh, okay.

How about I swing by later

and we'll just, you know,

we'll go over everything?

Or we could go out

after work.

You know,

go to J.J.'s or something,

grab a bite?

Um, I don't think I can.

But why don't we just

talk about it later,

in this building?

Okay? All right.

But, you're great.

And you have great ideas.

And...

Uh...

Bye.

Bye, babe.

Hey, I brought this

cholesterol testing kit

for the health thing.

Okay, let's do it.

So, I asked Ben out to

dinner and he said no.

What?

Yeah.

He seemed really into you.

What did he say exactly?

He was like,

"Huh? What? Uh... Bye."

And then,

he walked into an office

that wasn't his.

You know what?

If he doesn't want

to go out with you, he's nuts.

You're awesome,

and there's a million

other guys out there.

I have been having so much fun

just dating a bunch of people.

I know. Who was that

guy you were talking

to out there?

And then also kissing?

I was... Crap on a crayfish.

That really stings.

I haven't

pricked you, yet.

Oh, sorry.

I was just picturing it.

You know what?

Maybe you need to

cast a wider net.

Have you thought

about Internet dating?

Really?

I don't think that's for me.

You're a monster.

Still haven't

done it, yet.

You know what? I'll

help you set up a profile.

It'll be fun.

All right. Yeah,

let's do it. Okay.

Good. I'm glad that's over.

Oh, it's not.

you, Ann!

Who the hell is Forp?

I don't know.

I couldn't really hear him.

It sounded like

his name was Forp.

Get his number?

No.

Good girl.

Ron Swanson. April Ludgate.

Hey, I'm just gonna pop over

to Grain 'N Simple

to get the very

best ingredients

for my burger.

Do you wanna come?

What is Grain 'N Simple?

It's a health food store.

Pawnee doesn't have

a health food store.

No, but Snerling does.

And it's only

a 40-minute drive.

What are you doing, Andy?

I'm getting healthier snacks

for the shoeshine stand.

Chris is a food genius.

Did you know that

the food you eat

becomes energy?

Yeah. Boom.

That's spaghetti.

Nachos. That's a cookie.

That's my husband.

See you tomorrow?

Okay.

Is that a different guy

from earlier?

What?

Never mind.

You ready to

rock this profile?

All right.

Yellow-haired female.

Likes waffles and news.

Sexy, well-read blonde.

Loves the sweeter things

in life.

Much better.

Hobbies?

Organizing my agenda.

Wait, that doesn't sound fun.

Jamming on my planner.

Favorite place?

Upstairs, there is

this mural of wildflowers.

And I like to sit on

a bench in front of it.

Really? It could be

anywhere in the world.

Paris, Hawaii,

the Grand Canyon.

Nope. Just the bench

in front of the mural.

What about, like,

an actual meadow

where wildflowers are?

Eww, Ann.

I'm scared of bees. Mural.

Okay. What do you

think of dogs?

Love.

Cats?

Love.

Fish?

Love.

Turtles?

No opinion.

They're condescending.

Describe your ideal man.

He's dark and mysterious.

And he can sing.

And he plays the organ.

I think you just described

the Phantom of the Opera.

Hmm.

Ah, Nirvana. Hey, guys.

Hey, Chris.

Amber. Annie. Bill. Johnny.

No. I don't plan

to buy anything here.

I buy my burger ingredients

at Food and Stuff,

a discount food

outlet equidistant

from my home and my work.

I came here

for the same reason

people go to the zoo.

Shh.

Look at that thing.

Nature is amazing.

Okay.

Oh, my God. A 98% match?

That's

a soul mate-level match.

I've never seen

anything this high before.

Awesome.

Okay.

I know what you're thinking.

And you know what?

You have to forget about Ben.

He had his

chance and he blew it.

This computer could have found

the future Mr. Leslie Knope.

Yeah. Okay. Entire

universe of guys I might

date, let's see what you got.

This is Craig at

hoosiermate.com.

How can I help you?

Craig, your service

is crap.

Can you be more specific?

Yes. Your soul mate match

was totally wrong for me.

I mean, I like him as

a friend and everything,

but I'd never go out with him.

He's like

a little sister to me.

We have a very

sophisticated algorithm

that's paired up

thousands of couples.

I actually met my

wife on the site.

Really?

Well, that's not gonna last.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

Your marriage is a sham.

Goodbye, Craig.

No, actually...

See you, sweetheart.

He seems nice.

Eh, he kind of lives

in a barn. What's up?

What's wrong with me?

Why do good guys

hate me

and gross guys love me?

Diagnose me.

You're a nurse.

There's nothing

wrong with you.

You're an intelligent, classy,

attractive woman.

But for whatever reason,

right now,

only douchey guys

are buying what

you're selling.

So, I should go and ask them

what they think I'm selling.

A douche-vestigation.

Nice.

Hi, Joe.

I know you're gonna

take this the wrong way,

but can I talk to

you for a second?

You can do anything to me,

for any number of seconds.

Hmm.

Would you like to

talk outside in my van?

No, here's fine.

I was flattered by

what you said earlier.

And I was just wondering,

what do you look

for in a woman?

She can't be in a wheelchair.

No canes. No gray hair.

So, basically,

you're just attracted to me

because I'm not

an elderly person.

Yeah. And as I aforementioned,

you have a killer dumpster.

What does this do?

Would you like to

sample our vegan bacon?

100% meatless.

Yes, please.

Another, please.

Sir? Is there a problem?

I'm just making

sure no one ever has

to eat this.

I don't think I can

give you any more.

I want one.

Hey.

Yeah, I'm calling to

lodge a complaint about

the seaweed and

almond under-eye cream

I purchased from you guys.

Oh, my problem is

it smells terrible.

Yeah, I even mixed it

with another

under-eye cream

and it still smelled.

So, I ruined two eye creams.

Yes, I will hold.

Forever young,

I wanna be forever young

Do you really

wanna live forever

What's this?

Dragon fruit.

What's this?

A kiwano, or horned melon.

What's this?

A peach.

I knew that.

Wow!

Fresh lettuce is my

all-time favorite food.

What's your favorite food?

Well, I take Skittles,

and I put it

between two Starbursts.

You know what I call it?

Skittle sandwich?

That's pretty good.

No, I call it

Andy's mouth surprise.

It's nice because

the flavor of the Starbursts

really bring out

a similar flavor

in the Skittles.

Forever young I wanna be...

Hey, Tom.

What's up?

Do you wanna go to lunch?

No, I don't really

feel like going to J.J.'s.

We can go anywhere.

Your choice.

I'm buying.

Can I get apps

and 'zerts?

'Zerts are what

I call desserts.

Tray-trays are entrees.

I call sandwiches sammies,

sandoozles,

or Adam Sandlers.

Air conditioners are

cool blasterz, with a Z.

I don't know

where that came from.

I call cakes

big ol' cookies.

I call noodles

long-ass rice.

Fried chicken is

fry-fry chicky-chick.

Chicken parm is

chicky-chicky parm-parm.

Chicken cacciatore?

Chicky catch.

I call eggs

pre-birds or future birds.

Root beer is super water.

Tortillas are bean blankies.

And I call forks food rakes.

Yeah.

You can get as many 'zerts

as you want.

Well, let's get

in my go-go mobile.

Car.

This'll be fun.

Let's say you rub a bottle

and a genie comes out

and gives you three wishes.

What would those wishes be?

Come on, Leslie.

This'll be a fun game.

Three wishes. Go.

Okay. First wish?

I have a huge house

with a ton of balconies.

Yeah. Okay.

And I would just

stand out there

and survey my empire,

like a drug dealer

in a Michael Bay movie.

And I'll just

spend my time out there

reading my iPad and

drinking espressos

in a terry cloth robe.

Wish number two.

Okay. I'm the CEO of

the Spike TV network.

And my best friend

slash personal assistant

is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx.

And we create

a raunchy animated series

based on our friendship,

called Tommy and the Foxx.

Okay. We don't have

to do this anymore.

No, no. I'm into it now.

Wish number three.

They remake Point Break.

I play both roles.

Keanu and Swayze.

I think if you

continue cross-training

the way you have,

you're gonna...

I don't see any ingredients.

Have you bought ingredients?

Nope.

Do you need

help shopping?

No.

Are you hurt?

Can you move?

Never felt better.

Chris! Can I get these?

I said one thing.

Honey?

Pinwheel.

Let's play a different game.

I'm gonna say stuff about me,

and you say,

on a scale from 1 to 10,

how interested in

that thing you are.

Ready?

Okay.

I love sunshine

and fresh air

and early-morning walks.

One.

I've read five biographies

of Eleanor Roosevelt.

One.

I work at

the Parks and Recreation...

One.

That's what you do.

One.

I once kissed

a girl in college.

Eight.

Where I graduated

summa cum laude

in history.

One. Zero. Negative a billion.

Don't talk about

it anymore, please.

I love Food and Stuff.

It's where I buy

all of my food.

And most of my stuff.

Hey, can I get these?

How much are they?

Two bucks apiece.

Good deal.

Anything else?

Nope. Just the crows

and the beef.

So, the only thing

that's important

to you is hotness?

Wendy? Lucy? All you

cared about was

the shape of their boobs?

No, I really liked them,

and they happened

to have nice breasts.

You're acting really weird.

What did you even

buy me lunch for?

Just so you could yell at me

for what I like about women?

Okay. Promise

not to tell anyone?

Sure.

This is insane,

but you and I got matched up

on hoosiermate.com.

98% match.

Soul mate-level match.

You wanna date me!

This is a date!

This is not

a date, okay?

You took me to

a fancy restaurant,

you paid for my meal,

and you're trying to

get to know me better.

I was just trying to

figure out why only

sleazy guys are

into me right now.

Nice try. You love me.

Leslie Knope,

Tom Haverford

Dating in the day,

dating in the night

Dating all day 'cause

he's keeping it tight

All right, Tom. Enough.

Dating in the car,

dating on the floor

Dating everywhere

'cause she wants some more

What, yeah,

oh, we're going to, yeah...

Hey, Tom,

I'm just printing out

these health tips.

Can you grab them for me?

One second.

I'm just looking at

some real estate listings.

Oh, this is perfect for us.

Three-bedroom, and...

Oh, God, Les.

It has that dream closet

you've always wanted.

A walk-in closet.

Oh, God.

Hey, hey, boo.

What's wrong?

Where did you go?

Come back to me.

Stop it.

Don't disappear on me.

I need you, boo.

All right. Let's get into it.

What do you guys

have for health tips?

Ben, if it's okay

with you, Leslie and I

are going to lead

the meeting today,

because of our deep

spiritual connection.

Okay. All right.

Is everything okay or...

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Everything is great, Ben.

Les and I just had

something magical

happen today at lunch.

There is some weird juju

in this room right now.

Office yoga. We do stretches

at our desk or

next to our desk

or in a chair.

Always good for you.

We give everyone pedometers

and we have a contest.

Whoever takes

the most steps wins a prize.

Anything to get

their heart rate up.

You know what else

gets people's heart rate up?

Doing it.

Talking about

sex with my boss.

Can you excuse

us for a second?

Yeah.

Hey. Can I talk to

you for a second?

Let me get off the chair.

Hey...

What is wrong with you?

Leslie. It's the workplace.

You're being a little

bit too feisty right now.

You are being

a little bit too much

of an ass right now. Okay?

Knock it off.

I can't fight

this feeling anymore.

You and I, we're dating.

You should be so lucky.

Leslie.

Huh?

Tom.

They should fix that.

It was all just a joke.

I can assure you,

there's nothing romantic

going on between me and Tom.

I have a very strict policy.

No office relationships,

particularly

between a supervisor

and an employee.

The taxpayers pay us.

So, we can't have

anything appearing

even remotely scandalous.

I'm just saying,

if you can't keep

your mouth to yourself,

I'm gonna have

to suspend you.

I understand.

Look. Cucumber flower.

Wow, that's so cute.

Wait, that's a garnish.

You're not

supposed to eat that.

What?

So, just type up those

ones we talked about,

and we'll get it

finalized tomorrow.

Yep.

Hey, Tom.

Yeah.

What was all that

stuff with you and Leslie?

Girl likes Indian food.

What can I say?

Fine. We got matched up

on an online dating site.

And I was messing

with her, she got pissed.

So, she took me

out in the hallway

and kissed me, out of revenge.

Really?

And as much as it

pains me to admit this,

it was not disgusting.

Okay. Well,

I don't need the details

or anything.

I'm just saying.

She knows what to do.

All right.

Like, I was impressed.

Yeah.

It was stirring.

Goodbye.

It felt like...

Yeah.

All right.

Just...

Anyway, like I was saying...

I humbly place before you

my east-meets-west patented

Traeger Turkey Burger,

an Asian-fusion burger

made with Willow Farms

organic turkey,

a toasted taleggio

cheese crisp,

papaya chutney,

black truffle aioli,

and microgreens

on a gluten-free

brioche bun. Enjoy.

Mmm.

This tastes as

delicious as Beyoncé smells.

I'm guessing.

What is this in here?

Saffron?

Wow! Somebody's

got a sharp palate.

I love the umami flavor.

Stop being

so pretentious, Kyle.

Sorry.

Here's mine. It's a hamburger,

made out of meat,

on a bun, with nothing.

Add ketchup if you want.

I couldn't care less.

Ron, I am so disappointed.

I thought that

you and I were gonna

have a real challenge.

Never mind.

This is better.

Way better.

Mmm. Yep.

Mmm-hmm.

Kyle?

Sorry, Andy.

Ron's is better.

Damn it, Kyle. Oh, my God.

It's so much better,

it's crazy.

Turkey can never

beat cow, Chris. Sorry.

Well, I don't understand.

I've tinkered with

this recipe for years.

Granted, it's been

a long time since

I've had a hamburger.

This is better.

The commissary

will continue to serve

horrifying,

artery-clogging

hamburgers.

Man. We spent, like, 50 hours

working on those burgers.

I know.

Hard work

never pays off.

Cooking is dumb.

I swear on this dead

crow that I will

never cook for you.

I love you.

I just wanted to make sure

that there were

no hard feelings

after I forced you

to break up with Tom.

Oh, we weren't...

No. No hard feelings.

'Cause it's just

a real bugaboo of mine.

And it applies to everyone.

Just the other day,

Ben told me that he might

want to socialize

with somebody

from the government

and I said, "I'm sorry.

Not possible."

Really? Did he say who?

No, and I didn't ask.

Because it's irrelevant.

He oversees every department.

It simply can't happen.

This is literally the best

thing I've ever eaten.

Mmm. And it's so bad for me.

I'm gonna have

to jog while I digest this.

Excuse me.

Hey. What's up?

Hey. Well, I think

I'm allergic to chutney.

Also, what's chutney?

No clue.

Yeah.

Hey, I never got

to tell you the rest

of my ideas.

You wanna go somewhere

and talk about them?

Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.

Let me get some actual food,

and then, do you know

that wildflower mural

up on the second floor?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah? You wanna meet there?

Yeah.

Okay.

Sounds good.

I don't know if

the online thing is for me.

I prefer to meet

people in person.

It's like door number two

on Let's Make a Deal.

Do you want

the thing that you have,

that you know you like,

but isn't perfect,

or do you give

it up for what's

behind door number two?

I think I like what I have.

I'm gonna try to

make it work with Tom.

I'm kidding!

All right, be honest, Tom.

How did you and

I get matched up?

I made 26 profiles,

each designed to attract

a different type of girl.

Tom A. Haverford.

Sporty and sexy.

Tom B. Haverford,

smooth and soulful.

Which letter did you get?

N, Tom N. Haverford.

The N

stands for nerd!

I never even check that one,

'cause no one

ever responds to it.

Okay. Well, whatever.

Tom N. Haverford

collects globes.

Great. That's enough.

His favorite movie

is books.

Donna?

Every time I want you

to shut up, from now on.