All language subtitles for Midsomer Murders Season 4 3.mkv_track3_und

METAL CLANGS FAINTLY

MUSIC BUILDS

(GRUNTS)

Halt!

It's over, Peter.

It'll never be over.

Jamais vaincu.

You remember that.

FARMER: Seek 'em out, Flush 'em out.
Go on.

Sh, sh, sh. Steve!

Go, boy.

Stop, for God's sake!
I can hear Harry!

Oh God. It's your father-in-law.

They're in there somewhere.

He's looking for us.

Paddy. Go, find 'em! Go.

Go, find 'em. Go.

He's walking up a few partridge,
that's all. He's miles away.

Come on, Sally.

Don't be a spoilsport.

(KISSING AND GIGGLING)

Let me out of here! I've had enough.

You'll get us both killed.
Just keep still.

Nothing in there, old man?

Not even a rutting buck...

..and a randy young doe.

Paddy.
(DOG BARKS)

(BARKING)

Morning, Lady Chatwyn.
Good morning, Alice.

Terrible thing, isn't it?
It is, Alice.

Bet your husband was shocked,
wasn't he?

He certainly was.

Lloyd.

Yeah. Coming.

If we hurry we might get there
before the police.

I told Harry to give me 20 minutes
start before he called them.

Where is it?

In our big wheat field,
off the Mallow road.

Sir.

Afternoon, sir.

Afternoon, Troy. Who found him?

Farmer, sir.
Out trying to bag a few partridge.

He's over there, giving a statement.

So what's the word?

Dumped by a flying saucer,
would you believe?

That makes a change.

Right, let's go take a look.

Dave.

Do we know how he died?

Scared to death by the look of it.

His fingers are burnt
but we should get prints.

Not exactly natural causes then.

Any more ID?

Not as yet, no.

What are those marks on his back?

Some kind of puncture wound.
But there's no sign of any weapon.

What about his hair?
Look, there's a chunk cut out.

Looks like he's been to my barber,
sir.

Thank you, sergeant.

Get this body to the morgue, ASAP,
please.

What are these?

Kind of thing you see where
a helicopter has landed?

Get the straw tested
for aviation fuel

and check with
the Ministry of Defence. OK?

Yes, sir.

You don't think that these things
are made by flying saucers then?

Last I heard they were made with
a board and a bit of string.

You said you'd give me
20 minutes start.

All he wanted was a few pictures.

That's precisely what I gave you,
Beatrice.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I haven't quite finished
with this charming young lady here.

Damn you.

Excuse me, sir,

I understand you're the farmer
who found the body?

That's right. Harry Chatwyn.

I'm Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby
and this is Detective Sergeant Troy.

Would you mind telling us
what happened?

I was out for a few partridge
and I saw the crop circle.

Then I realised
there was something in the circle.

So I went down to have a look

and lo and behold

there was this chap lying starkers
in the middle of it.

Apart from him, was there anything
out of the ordinary that you saw,

any cars,
people who looked out of place?

No, not a living soul.

You've had crop circles
in your fields before, have you?

Good Lord, yes.

Well, thank you, sir.
We'll need to talk to you again

after we've looked at your statement,
all right?

Of course.
Thank you.

Excuse me.

Are you in charge here?

Yes, yes I am. Can I help you?

No, but I can help you.
I'm Lloyd Kirby.

The ufologist from Midsomer Parva.
The what?

The ufologist.

This bears all the marks
of extraterrestrial activity.

Oh, so you an expert in these things,
are you?

It's been my lifelong
field of study, yeah.

"Close Encounters of
the Midsomer Kind".

Looks very interesting.
It is, I wrote it.

There are altogether too many
instances

of people being abducted like this.

In flying saucers?

We use the term
"Unidentified Flying Objects"

because nobody upon this earth
has yet been able to identify one.

You're basing this on personal
experience are you?

No, I've never been that lucky.
But I do -

All I can say is,
make sure you come back alive.

No, keep it. It's a good read.

Thank you. I look forward to it.

Mind if I took a few pictures
for my newsletter?

Crop circles are ten a penny

but an abduction site like this -
that's something else.

Absolutely out of the question,
Mr Kirby. This is a crime scene.

You're not treating this as a crime,
are you?

We are investigating
a suspicious death, Mr Kirby.

But thank you, thank you very much
for your opinion and your book.

How are you gonna arrest
an extraterrestrial, then?

If they're guilty

everyone has to come back
down to earth sometime or other.

(SOFTLY) And in your case, Mr Kirby,
it'll be with a very large bump.

It's got to be some kind
of gruesome hoax.

And the question is -

who provided the body
and how did he die?

He was electrocuted.

By something very strong.

This just come through, sir.

The Yard's identified him
by his fingerprints

and you'll be surprised to know
he's not a hippie.

Ronald Stokes, aged 58.

Three convictions for GBH
and one for wounding.

I'm surprised the man
was still on the streets.

So what on earth was he doing
in Midsomer Parva?

We'll get back to the Yard,
we need more than this.

OK, Michael, go on.

The shock travelled up his left arm

and stopped his heart.

That would account for the expression
on his face then?

Yes.

And the puncture marks on his back?
They're not deep.

They don't go into the spine
or anything like that.

And they were inflicted
an hour or two after death.

And the missing hair?

Your guess is as good as mine
on that one.

So, given the time of death,

it seems likely that
he was electrocuted elsewhere

and somebody dumped his body
in the crop circle.

What about if he was making
the crop circle

and he was struck by lightning?

(SOFTLY) Judging by his record, Troy,

I don't think Mr Stokes was
the crop circle kind of person.

Have you any idea what people say

about you associating
with Lloyd Kirby?

It doesn't concern me
what people think.

Did you see
that policeman chap's face

when he started sounding off
about flying saucers?

Lloyd Kirby may be interested
in extraterrestrial forms of life

but he has more humanity
in his little finger

than you have in your entire body.

UFOs and ETs, sir.

How did we get shunted
into this siding?

A suspicious death, Troy.

And if we want to keep our pensions

we'd better find a better reason
than that

for Ronnie Stokes' demise.

It's been such a pleasure,
ladies and gentlemen,

to spend time with minds which
are still open to the inexplicable.

Thank you.

Please, now do all you can
to spread the word

about these wondrous phenomena

which the established authorities
still blindly refuse to recognize.

And thank you for coming.
Thanks, Lloyd.

Thank you. Thanks. Bye.

Mr Kirby,

could you possibly come down
to the station with us?

There's one or two things
you could help us with,

if you'd be so kind.

Moving a body, Mr Kirby,
is a very serious offence.

Why are you telling me this?

Because I have been wondering

if it was you who put the body in
the crop circle.

Ah, so you're not accusing me
of murder?

No, not at the moment.

Do you...

..you do recognise this?

I do.

This is Elmo Brooks
of Flagstaff, Arizona.

He was abducted on 16 September 1968

and returned to Earth
two days later.

And here we have a more detailed
photograph

showing a double puncture wound
in the lower area of the back.

That's where samples of
spinal fluid were taken.

And the shaved neck?

It's widely believed
among ufologists

that tufts of hair are taken

so that studies can be made
of the DNA.

I believe...

..I believe it to be suspiciously
coincidental

that these "classic symptoms",
as you call them in your book,

should appear on the body in
the crop circle.

Well, that's precisely because
they are classic symptoms.

Where were you
the night before last, Mr Kirby?

Did you take a walk in a wheat field
by any chance?

I'm sorry to disappoint you,
I was in Causton.

War Of The Worlds was on
at the Roxy.

Somebody can confirm that, can they?

Lady Chatwyn. I went with her.
You ask Beatrice.

Oh, we will, we will.

In the meantime,

I suppose that the discovery
of this body

will work wonders for your business?

It already has, I've got a minibus
full of enthusiasts

due at the centre any minute.

I'm due to give them a lecture
on the Midsomer crop circles.

Would you please remember

that the crop circle where the body
was found is a crime scene

and the penalties for disturbing it
can be very, very, severe.

I'll not let anyone get too close.

People pay good money for that,
do they?

Money well spent.

And by the way,

I'm giving a talk tonight
in the village hall.

Pop in.
You might learn a thing or two.

I don't expect you
to take me seriously.

People all over the world

have reported
extraterrestrial activity,

and they're always called cranks
or liars.

Sir.
Excuse me.

No. Would you stay here
for a minute, please?

There's a man here, sir,

says he heard that Lloyd Kirby
had been arrested

and came to offer bail.

What does he think
we've arrested him for?

Didn't know, sir.

But he's a bit of
a local heavyweight.

Oh?
Sir Christian Aubrey.

SIR Christian Aubrey.

Not without friends in high places,
is he, our Mr Kirby?

Look after our suspect, Troy.

Sir Christian Aubrey?

Yes.

How do you do? I'm Detective
Chief Inspector Barnaby.

How do you do?
Shall we go in here?

I'm sorry about this,
but I have had to do it before.

What, stand bail surety
for Lloyd Kirby?

He has been arrested, hasn't he?

No. No. Just brought him in
for questioning.

Why, do you think we should
have arrested him?

Lord, no!
He's completely harmless.

Known him a long time, have you?

Since he and Beatrice
were children -

Lady Chatwyn.

And what had he done
that you had to stand bail for?

He came to Burma, oh, 20 years ago.

I was Consul-General in Rangoon
at the time

and Lloyd was sentenced to death
for smuggling heroin.

God.

It was a trumped-up charge.

Lloyd was an easy target.
We managed to get him off.

Well, he's not been arrested
and I do not intend to charge him.

So, I can take him home?

Yes, you can. He's got some customers
waiting at his "ufology centre"

who should be very grateful.

Good afternoon, Miss Boulter.
How are you?

Very well. How can I help?

I wonder if you could arrange
a home visit for me?

When did you have in mind?

Tomorrow, about lunch time.

One o'clock?

Thank you, Miss Boulter.

A lecture on what?

Crop circles
and Unidentified Flying Objects.

I thought we were going out for
a romantic meal for our anniversary.

That's not until Friday.
So you have remembered?

Yes.
This is work, is it?

Well, it could be very entertaining.

What kind of ironing
do you call this, you stupid cow?

Look at the creases!

I said I'd take them
to the cleaners.

What's all the shouting for?
He's going on about his trousers.

Look at the creases!
How am I supposed to wear these now?

Why don't you iron them yourself
if you're so particular?

Stay out of it, Daddy.

You were probably only going to take
them off, so why bother?

I'll do them again.
No you won't.

What did I marry into?

What do you think?

It might be cool to do it
in the middle of a crop circle.

I don't want to do it
where the body was found.

There's another one further down.

Come on, Lynn.

What if the aliens come
and take us away?

(ALL CHATTER)

How come you know her?

We used to do pottery together
at the Causton Institute.

She's very good, Beatrice.

What's she doing hanging around
with Lloyd?

They grew up together, I think.

Shh. Please.

Good evening.

ALL: Good evening, Lloyd.

Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you all for coming here.

Ah, crop circles.

They're nothing new, you know.

Nowadays, people reckon that these
are made by hoaxers.

But in many parts of the world,

they've long been the focus
of serious religious belief.

So this evening, I'm going to show
you who makes them

and why.

I'll tell you who makes them, Lloyd.

Nutters like you!
(ALL MUTTER)

Who ruin tons of good wheat
every year.

Harry, please.

Ought to be a law against you.

Not much love lost between
the Chatwyns, then?

DOOR SLAMS

Sorry about the interruption,

but I notice that Mr Barnaby,

who is investigating the death
of the man

whose body was found in
the crop circle,

has come along this evening.

Good to see the police are taking
a serious interest

in what we've all known for years.

May I just say that if anyone here
has any information

which they think might be useful

if, for example, anyone of you

was in the vicinity of
the crop circle last night

I'd be very glad to hear from you.

I'm sure that the extraterrestrials

responsible for this tragic event

will be in touch with you
in due course, Chief Inspector.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We are not alone in this universe.

ALL: Hear, hear.

And yet, the authorities
have an entire department

which is set up to rubbish
what we say

and to vilify anyone
who claims a close encounter.

An entire department?
CROWD MUTTERS

This smacks to me of taking it
very seriously indeed.

EERIE MUSIC

What do you think?
Over there?

OK.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS AND SOBS)

APPLAUSE

No-one who has had
an extraterrestrial experience

is ever the same again.

When they are returned to Earth,
their lives are changed forever...

...which effect can quickly
be reversed

with the aid of a very large scotch.

Hello, Troy, you're just in time.
I was about to push the boat out.

Evening, Mrs Barnaby.
Evening, Gavin.

I get the feeling

this is one of those 'Tom can't
have another drink moments,'

is that it?
Afraid so.

Another body's been discovered, sir,
in a second crop circle.

Another one?

Sorry.

Do you get the feeling
somebody's taking the mickey, sir?

Bodies don't just fall out
of the sky.

All this flying saucers stuff,
gotta be some kind of smoke screen.

That Lloyd Kirby
must have something to do with it.

Not tonight, he doesn't.

With me in the audience,

I'd say his alibi was just about
as tight as it can get.

(BREATHES) Oh my God!
BRAKES SCREECH

No, no. Stop. Stop.

Stop!

Just let me out.

It's your responsibility, sir.
What shall I tell your wife?

Tell her I may be gone
some little while.

SCI-FI MUSIC

Police.
What's the matter?

What about dipping your lights
in the face of oncoming traffic?

Is that all?
(GROANS) Bloody combine harvester.

Drive with a little more
consideration please.

Pull over, let him pass.

Yep, this one's burnt as well, sir.

I wonder
if he's been electrocuted too?

Gonna to turn him over now, sir.

Can you give me a hand, please,
sarge?

On the count of three, ready?
One...two...three.

Good God. It's Eddie Field,
the burglar from Aspern Tallow.

I thought he was still inside.
No, been out about a month now.

So what's the link between
Eddie Field and Ronnie Stokes?

Where've you been? I've gotta be
back in the surgery in five minutes.

Lucky to get here at all,
my little mouse.

There are police crawling all over
the big wheat field.

Police? What for?

They found another body
in a crop circle.

Oh, you're kidding. Who is it?

Police aren't saying,
but I've heard it's Eddie Field.

That's why Doc Fleming
was in such a mood this morning.

You know the first one
was electrocuted?

Electrocuted?

Cooked inside
like a steak and kidney pie.

What about a little nibble
for your Uncle Harry?

No. No! You can go hungry.

Oh, please, darling? A touch?
Not even a peep.

Oh, by the way, you know we're
going to have to find another venue.

Yeah, Steve says he's gonna make
this a nice little love-nest

for him and Lucy.
He is, yes.

Except he's too busy chasing round
after you to do anything about it.

I don't want you seeing -

I don't want you seeing Steve
any more.

Oh, really? And why's that?

I'll see whoever I want to.

And if you complain, I'll just let
Beatrice know what we do down here.

I'm not being unreasonable, darling.
They've not been married a month.

Oh, well, it's not my fault
if she can't keep him happy.

Oh, come on -
Look, I've told you.

You try and stop me
seeing who I like

and you will be out of that farm
so fast

you'd think she'd done it
with mirrors.

You're right. He was electrocuted.

What ever happened
to good old-fashioned shooting?

Maybe this is the new, green way
to zap your victims.

No blood, no guts,
just fried brains.

What else?

He's also got a couple of puncture
wounds low down on the spine

which don't lead anywhere,

and there's a chunk
of his hair missing.

So we've got a local petty thief
and a London hard man...

(SCOFFS) ..and not much else.

I've found traces of a mineral oil
used in engineering

and there's silver oxide
on his hands.

Now, that is curious.
Why, sir?

I've just read in Field's file
that three or four years ago

he was involved
with a small foundry business

run by a local man with
a bit of form...

..Dave Ripert.

I still don't see the connection,
sir.

Ripert was suspected
of melting down stolen bullion.

Never proved. But...petty thief?
London villain? Dave Ripert?

There was a burglary
in Badger's Drift last night, sir,

at The Beeches.

Had Eddie Field's name
written all over it.

Last night?
Mm.

Well, you better go and take a look.

You were out clubbing in Causton
last night, weren't you?

What if I was?

Think I enjoy being stuck
out in the middle of a field?

I'm sick of your parents.

Sick of them hating each other
and taking it out on me.

We're supposed to be
living in Ivy Cottage.

Why don't you come and help me
get it ready?

Why don't you ask your father why?

He wants it for himself,
if you ask me.

Anything to get away from your mother
as long as it stops short of divorce.

It doesn't belong to Harry.

It's Mummy's
and she wants me to have it.

Get her to do something about it,
then.

Instead of hanging around
with that nutcase, Lloyd.

God, insanity doesn't run
in your family, it gallops.

I hate you.
I wish I'd never married you.

But you did because
you like what Stevie does to you,

don't you, my sweet little chicken?

Bastard.

MUSIC TIPTOES

What did they get at The Beeches?

TV and video, jewellery,
bits of china, some silver,

and a couple of paintings.

No sign of Eddie Field getting
his fingers burnt in the process?

The owner was out at the time.

Wasn't reported
till the early hours.

No-one's been in here for over
a year, according to the agent.

There you go.
Thank you.

This must be the furnace...

..where they smelted the aluminium.

Electrically fired,
by the look of it.

How about that?

It's silver, alright.
I can see the hallmark.

Someone's tried to melt it down.
Got an evidence bag?

Check it out
in the stolen antiques register.

I wonder if Eddie Field met his maker

trying to steal electricity
from the national grid?

Cheese and something or other.
Can't quite make it out.

Use by the 10th.
That was two days ago.

Well, the place
has certainly had visitors

and I'd say
they were a bit bigger than kids.

Get Forensic to check that.

So the cause of death was probably
the same for Eddie Field

as for Ronnie Stokes.

And they were both discovered
in the same circumstances.

But if Eddie Field died here,

who took his body
and dumped it in the crop circle?

Same person who put Ronnie Stokes
there, sir?

Link's not quite there, is it?
Hmmm.

Go and see what Mr Ripert
has to say about all this.

Are you Dave Ripert?
Well, that depends.

Detective Sergeant Troy.
Mind if I come in, Mr Ripert?

Yes, I do. What do you want?

I'd like to know where you were last
night between eight and midnight.

Last night?

That's easy. I was drinking
with my brother in Oxford.

I crashed out at his place.
Bit over the limit.

I'm sure even coppers know what
that's like. Got back this morning.

And your brother can confirm this?
Sure, Tony never lies.

I understand you used to own
the foundry at Midsomer Parva.

Been back there recently?
No, it don't belong to me anymore.

I went under.
Nothing left there for me, mate.

Did you know a man
called Ronnie Stokes?

No.

I wonder what I'd find
if I were to come inside, Mr Ripert?

Well, without a search warrant
you'd find a heavy-duty lawyer.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just
get back to treating my hangover.

Close shave?

You can say that again.

CAR ENGINE REVS

You know something, Sal?

I think we should hide this stuff
at your place.

Just to be on the safe side.

If you want information
about Lloyd Kirby,

take the weight off your feet.

(CHUCKLES)

I understand you grew up together?

I like your wife.

A sensible woman, not a gossip,
I thought.

But then, married to a detective -

I'm investigating not one,
but two suspicious deaths.

And any information
which might throw some light -

Lloyd's mother was housekeeper here.

His father was the farm foreman.

We were born on the same day.

You're obviously still very close.

Like everyone else, you're wondering
why I spend time with a man

that many regard as a crank?
Yeah.

Well, at least you're honest
about it.

We were playmates,
we were childhood sweethearts.

But then, inconveniently,
we fell in love.

How was that inconvenient?

My parents were self-made.
They moved here to acquire class.

My father was determined
I should marry gentry,

so he threatened Lloyd's parents
with dismissal

unless they agreed to send Lloyd
to Australia.

A remittance man?

Yes, in the second half
of the 20th century.

It was cruel, unforgivable.

And Sir Harry
was your end of the bargain.

Yes. No money, but a title.

And all the bad habits
to go with it.

I gave birth to Lucy

and there the marriage ended
in all but appearance.

And when Lloyd came back?
Oh, all that was over.

But we do have friendship.
Even love of a kind.

That was pretty special.

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

HEARTBEAT POUNDS

Gotta go.
Tomorrow.

Why are we going this way?

We get closer to the crop circle
this way than from the road.

Now try and keep up.

Crop circles have been known...

..since, er...

..as far back as 1670.
Stay back.

MUSIC TRILLS

MUFFLED: Go. Go, go.

Afternoon, Sir Harry,
what can I do for you today?

I'd like to arrange a home visit,
please.

Oh, yes. Ivy Cottage, isn't it?

Well, I'm afraid it's going
to have to be tomorrow afternoon.

Four o'clock suit you?

Nothing before then?
'Afraid not.

Are you sure?
Quite sure.

Well, I'll settle for that, then.

This is getting serious.

Why do you say that, Lloyd?

Because Steve was electrocuted,
that's why.

This has nothing whatever to do with
extraterrestrial forms of life.

I agree with you, Lloyd.
This is murder.

Sir?
Yeah?

There was a phone call last night
to the nick.

From one of the old dears
at the post office.

Oh, yes?
She reported seeing Dave Ripert

unloading boxes
at the health centre.

And she didn't think
they were medical supplies?

They were going
into the flat upstairs.

The receptionist lives there,
a girl named Sally Boulter.

A bit of a goer by all accounts.

Drives a VW, black,

which was parked outside Ripert's
when he refused to let me in.

Could the goer, as you call her,

have been actually going at the time?

Well, yes, but the boxes, sir.

When I went back with a warrant,
Ripert's place was clean.

And naturally you want
to pay Sally Boulter a visit?

Well, might be worth a word, sir.

By all means, Troy. I'm sure
you'll give me a full report.

Thanks, sir.

(GROANS)

Is that Steven Ramsey,
your son-in-law, sir?

(DISTANTLY) You really think
he was murdered, Barnaby?

Put it this way, I don't think
his killer came from outer space.

It isn't him, is it?
Tell me it's not Steve.

I'm afraid it is, darling.

Oh, God. No. (SOBS)

I wish we could make this easier,
but we can't.

Everything electrical has blown.

The bulbs, the fuses. The wiring
loom's been welded together.

Whatever it was, it was a bit more
powerful than a domestic supply.

What about other vehicle tracks
where the pick-up was found?

Harry Chatwyn's Landrover, combine
harvester, horses' hoof prints.

As he says,
they use that track all the time.

Over here. Take a look at this.

Is that from Lloyd Kirby's place?
Where else, Troy?

He's got this
up on the wall of his shop.

Exactly. Now these photographs were
taken, supposedly, in Idaho in 1970.

And this man was electrocuted

in a manner very similar
to our Steve Ramsey.

Now, there was no
satisfactory explanation, apparently,

so the flying saucer freaks

have always put it down
to extraterrestrial interference.

But I'm wondering

if someone closer to home may have
been influenced by these pictures.

BELL RINGS

Ah, Mr Barnaby.

Good morning, Miss Alice.

Are you getting to the bottom
of all this?

We've never been in such a pickle
in Midsomer Parva.

Would you mind if I asked you
a few questions?

Not at all. I'll just lock the door.

With nobody writing letters anymore,
what else are post offices for?

Poor Steve.
And not married a month yet.

Big occasion, was it, the wedding?

It was a village occasion.

Well-liked, was he, Steve?
By the girls, he was.

Yeah, I'd heard he had a roving eye.

He did for Sally Boulter, anyway.

Yes, by the way, thanks for the
tip-off about Dave Ripert's visit.

And that's not all, either.

Oh?

Well, I don't think
we should tell you about this.

Why not?

She's also sweet with Sir Harry.

What on earth is happening in our
quiet little backwater, Christian?

Poor Lloyd's alien chums

littering our cornfields
with corpses.

Do you suppose he's safe himself?

I'm not sure that he is,
to tell you the truth.

He's stuck his neck out on all this.

I wouldn't be all that surprised
if someone put it in a noose.

Oh, good God, darling.
The poor boy doesn't deserve that.

Anyway, I shall be most upset

if I pop off before
they get to the bottom of it all.

Though, where I'm going...

..perhaps all will be revealed?

How wonderfully lucky I've been...

..to have had a lifetime in love.

Take me home, please, Christian.

Just one more time?

Miss Boulter?
Yes?

Detective Sergeant Troy,
Causton CID.

Well, Gavin, I'm just off
to the meeting.

Good. So am I. Perhaps
I could ask you some questions?

Yeah.

I believe you're a friend
of Dave Ripert's?

Oh, well, yeah, not a friend,
really.

Dave's been helping me move stuff
out of my Gran's place.

I've been clearing out the house
since she died.

Ah.

She left me some lovely old things.

Perhaps you'd like to come and see
them when I get it straightened out?

Yeah, yes, I would.

I better...but see you later?

Welcome, everyone.

Welcome, welcome, thank you
and thank you for coming.

I know that you're all perturbed,
as I am,

by these unfortunate events
in our village.

For myself, I'm sure
that these dreadful deaths

will turn out to be not the work of
any alien hand

but of man himself,

guided by the Prince of Darkness
and I would like to -

I'd like to say something if I may?

I think we all know what you think
about this, Lloyd.

ALL: Let him speak! Let him speak!

I disagree with the vicar.

I believe that the first
of these terrible deaths

was an unfortunate accident...

ALL: Sit down! Sit down!

..a casualty of scientific research
into our human...

Rubbish!
Oh, let him finish, will you?

..into our human nature,

by extraterrestrial intelligence
of quite awesome power.

Can't someone shut the fool up?
APPLAUSE

But as for the subsequent two
deaths, I agree with the police.

They had nothing whatever
to do with -

Absolute tosh, Lloyd!

The only person around here

to see any one of these so-called
flying saucers is you.

CROWD CHAT AND ARGUE

Perhaps you'd like
to make a comment, Mr Barnaby?

Yes, please.

What we do know,
what we can be sure of,

is that all three victims
were electrocuted.

The circumstances in which
the first two men came to die -

accident or design - is yet unknown.

But the third man,
the unfortunate Steven Ramsey,

whose widow is understandably
not here with us this afternoon,

he was murdered.

Of that there can be no doubt

but please let me reassure you that
the person or persons responsible

will be brought to justice.

My faith and belief lies with God

and I will quote to you St Matthew,
chapter 8, verse 26.

"And he saith unto them,
'Why are you fearful,

O ye of little faith?'"

But what about the second book
of Kings...

CROWD AGREES
..chapter 2, verse 11?

"And it came to pass there
appeared a chariot of fire,

and horses of fire,

and parted them both asunder..."
Stay here.

"..and Elijah went up
by a whirlwind into heaven."

AUDIENCE PROTESTS

Now if that's not a flying saucer,
Vicar, what is?

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Sir Harry, can I have a word please?

Certainly.
What about The Black Horse?

Oh, no. I'd rather not,
if you don't mind.

Just wanted to ask your opinion of
your late son-in-law, Steve Ramsey?

You were opposed to the marriage,
yes?

Implacably.
I was, as ever, overruled.

And I believe you objected to
his relationship with Miss Boulter?

You're damned right I did.

What would you have done
if it had been your own daughter?

Just one more question,
please, Sir Harry.

The electricity substation
between your two big wheat fields?

Do you hold a key to it?

Nothing to do with me, dear chap.

Property of the electricity
supply company.

I'm damned if I can remember
their name.

You know, Christian,

there is one piece of unfinished
business I'd dearly love to settle.

I know exactly
what you're going to say.

I can't bear to think of Peter
all that way up in Ross

with his heart poisoned
by feelings of revenge.

He's got the produce and the profits
of the finest distillery in Scotland

to comfort him.

I know you've protected us
through the years, but...

..but if I were to offer him
forgiveness now,

if I were to ask him,
do you think he'd come and see me?

Oh, come on, Sally.
What's the matter?

Oh, I'm not in the mood.

I don't want to do it, not today.

So, Steve and Lucy won't be needing
this place after all.

Sadly, no.

You do it, didn't you?

Did what?

Killed Steve.

God, you hated him.

You were jealous of him
doing it with me

and you certainly didn't want him
marrying Lucy.

One of those things might be true,
dear heart.

The story is
he was struck by lightening.

Oh, yeah. Believe that and you'll
believe he was abducted by aliens.

By the way,

would you let me keep some stuff
my grandmother gave me in here?

What sort of stuff?

Pots and pans, bits and pieces.
It's just till I get a bigger place.

Of course.

Want me to come and pick them up
with the Landrover?

Now, I'll stick them
in the back of the car.

Come here, Uncle Harry.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

The wheat in the circles
was burnt by butane gas,

comes in cylinders
for gas blowtorches.

You can get it at any DIY store.

Oh. Not some derivative of kryptonite
from the planet Zog, then?

No. Just your bog-standard butane.

Isn't it time we had another chat
with Lloyd Kirby then, sir?

Yes, indeed it is.
But first, Sir Christian Aubrey.

Ah! Mr Barnaby, come in.
Sir.

Sergeant Troy.
Sir.

Come and meet my wife.

Darling, Chief Inspector Barnaby
and Sergeant Troy.

My wife, Isabel.
Lady Isabel.

I won't shake hands,
but please do sit down.

Thank you.
Tea, gentlemen?

Er...yes, please.
Sergeant?
Please.

Are you investigating
these mysterious deaths?

Indeed we are, Lady Isabel.

I'd heard, wrongly as it turned out,
that Lloyd had been arrested,

so I came to bail him out.

Lloyd? What on Earth
would you arrest Lloyd for?

Didn't you have an idea he might've
put the body in the crop circle

to drum up business
for his Ufology Centre?

Yes, we had thought that.

He's one of nature's eccentrics,
Mr Barnaby.

He has a disarming innocence
about him.

He's had it ever since childhood.

And in spite of what's happened,
it's still there.

Lloyd will die as innocent
as the day he was born.

So what do you think happened
in the wheat field then, sir?

I believe that someone took
advantage of the situation

and poor Lloyd swallowed it,
hook, line and saucer.

(CHUCKLES)

What's your opinions
of Lloyd's beliefs, Lady Isabel?

All men are credulous animals.
We must all believe in something.

Can I show you something?

Lloyd made that on death row
in a Rangoon jail

with nothing but flour,
water and papier mache.

Ha.

Is that the Wimshurst machine?
Yes, indeed.

God, we used to have fun
with that at school.

May I...have a go?
Yes, indeed.

Thank you.

Look! Look at that, Troy. Look.
Hey, hey.

All these belonged to my father.
He was a science teacher.

Haven't seen one of those in ages.

Christian?
Yes, my dear.

I have to take Isabel
back to the hospice.

Sir Christian, you've been most
generous with your time.

And so has Lady Isabel.

That's Lloyd all over.

Not exactly the tidiest person

when it comes
to leaving his tools around.

Sir Christian,
I'm very sorry about your wife.

Thank you.

Did you see
the gas-powered blowlamp, sir?

I was more interested
in the Wimshurst machine.

Dead impressive spark.

You come from the comprehensive
generation, Troy,

whose education was not so thorough
as it should have been.

I opted out of science.

Couldn't stand the smells
and none of the experiments worked.

When I was at grammar school,

Mr Carter used to make artificial
lightning with one of those.

Should we have a poke around
in there?

Yeah, that would be to our advantage.

With or without a warrant?

Oh, I think Sir Christian's
got enough on his plate

without bothering with warrants.

Let's come back another day,
when the coast is clear.

Look at her. This is your doing,
Harry. I know it is.

Don't talk rubbish.

You've said not a single word
of regret. Not one.

Please, Mummy. Not now.

You don't arrest dogs
without learning a few tricks.

Shhhh. Better keep that open.

Bloody hell.
What's the matter?

ALARM SOUNDS FAINTLY
The handle's live.

Don't touch it, Sir.

Try that one.

The whole place must be wired.

Careful, sir.

It's got a rubber handle.

ALARM BEEPS SOFTLY

Could that kill a man?

Yes, it could Troy.
Especially if he's got a weak heart.

We're trapped.

Use your mobile,
get onto the station.

Tell them to send a man up
here with rubber gloves.

There's no signal. Just static.

I'll have to try the landline.

No, no ,no. Wait - hang on, hang on.

How long do you think it'll be
before he's back?

I've got no idea,

but I've got a feeling
it'll be worth waiting for.

You look worried, my love.

Lloyd called to say...

Goodbye?

It's a bin man.

Hey. Hey, you.

BOTH YELL: Mate, hello!
Police, help! Over here.

Please help.
Bin man, bin man.

Please help.
Are you deaf, man?

Hey, we're trapped, over here.
Oi, help.

Help.

(SIGHS) Oh, for God's sake.

ALERT SOUNDS

Well, well.

Did you come back for another few
turns of the Wimshurst machine?

We are investigating a series
of murders, Sir Christian.

And no doubt you have a search
warrant in your pocket, do you?

It's alright, gentlemen.
You can get up now.

I've switched everything off.

That's a lethal security system
you have here, Sir Christian.

Thing like that could kill a man.

It's kept intruders out of my home
for years.

But not all of them, eh?

You're right.
I've kept all them out but one.

Would you like to come with me
to Causton to talk about it?

Not really.

But as I no longer have any choice
in the matter, I'd better say yes.

Shall we go, gentlemen?

Better leave that turned off.

We don't want any more mishaps,
do we?

If you say so.

OMINOUS MUSIC

I don't like seeing you like this,
Lloyd.

I'm convinced
that Harry murdered Steve.

Will they put him away?
I hope so. I do hope so.

I'm going to tell you something,
and I want you to promise me

that you'll never repeat
it to a living soul.

I promise.

You know the body
of that Ronnie Stokes?

The first one they found
in the crop circle?

Yes?

I made the circle.

I thought you might have done.

And I put him in it.

After we got back from the Roxy
that night,

I made the circle with board
and string, I put the body in it,

I clipped his hair
and I put the holes in his back.

But he was a criminal, wasn't he?

How on Earth did you get
mixed up with him?

Well, he died at someone else's
house. He wasn't murdered.

Anyway, I agreed
to get rid of the body.

And I'm so sorry I deceived you.

But why, Lloyd? Why on Earth
would you do a thing like that?

(GROANS)

I just wanted people

to take extraterrestrial visitation
more seriously.

And look what I've unleashed.

What are we going to do?

Why don't you go back to the cottage
and wait for me there?

GENTLE MUSIC

MUSIC SOURS

Hello, Lloyd. What a surprise.

METAL CLANKS

Sally?
I thought this place was...empty.

What are you doing
with all this stuff?

It's, ah, treasure, Lloyd,
and it's all mine.

Where'd you get it from?

Well, that's for me to know
and you not to find out.

But it didn't come from Mars.

You've stolen it, haven't you?

Let's say...I inherited it.

What are you doing here?

Me? I'm your favourite alien,
come to abduct you.

Is he dead?

I came home from the hospice
after visiting Isabel

to find him lying on the floor.

He'd been dead
for a couple of hours.

You see, this man -
Oh, what was his name?

Ronnie Stokes.

He'd been sent to kill me.

Why would anyone want to kill you?

It wasn't the first time.

In the early days there were maybe
half a dozen attempts on my life.

Latterly, we'd begun to relax.

Did any of them suffer
the same fate as Stokes?

Oh, no, of course not.

The idea was that anyone coming to
Midsomer Parva with malicious intent

was to get the shock of his life,
if you'll excuse the pun.

Sadly, he was killed instead.

And who sent these people
to try to kill you, Sir Christian?

I'm afraid that starts 40 years ago.

You see when I was a student
at Oxford,

I fell in love with Isabel,

but my great friend, Peter Rhodes,
the Marquis of Ross,

was also in love with her.

I know, we'll decide it with a duel.

You're crazy!

You're crazy, the both of you.

But Peter was so incensed
at having lost

that he vowed to kill me.

So he sits up in the family
distillery in Scotland

with nothing better to do
than plot revenge.

And these men he sent?

Usually the local police
took care of them.

I had them deported quietly.

The other day was a mistake.

A big mistake.

Could I bring you back to Lloyd,
please, Sir Christian?

You see, I mean, with respect,
I can't believe

you would be able to lift
a 13-stone man on your own.

Yes, alright.

Lloyd took him out
to the wheat field.

And the puncture marks
and the funny haircut?

I'm sure they didn't fool you
for a minute, did they?

Sir.

Excuse me.

Mr Barnaby, Isabel is dying.

May I sign a statement
and be taken to her?

Sir?
Yes.

Pretty urgent.

Excuse me.

It's Lloyd Kirby, sir.

He's been found dead
in a crop circle.

Yet another body
on Sir Harry Chatwyn's land.

There's no missing hair.

And no puncture marks.

It's not like the others, Barnaby.

The nose is broken

and the neck, too,

which is no doubt what killed him.

I'm looking
for Sir Christian Aubrey.

Brook House.

Can you help?

Come on, boy. Good boy.

Come on, boy.

Here - in you get.

Good boy.

Sir Harry.

We'd like a word with you...

..about a murder.

I hated him and I loved her.

I couldn't let it go on any longer.

Was it because he was having
an affair with your wife?

My wife?

No, he was having an affair
with that doctor's receptionist,

Sally Boulter.

So why did you kill Lloyd Kirby?

Lloyd Kirby?

I didn't say anything about killing
Lloyd Kirby.

He's a lunatic.

Is he dead?

I'm afraid so.

And I believe you killed
Steven Ramsey.

Now...now hang on.

(GROANS)

Would you mind telling us
how it happened?

EERIE MUSIC

ELECTRICAL BUZZING

Sir Harry Chatwyn, I'm arresting you
for the murder of Steven Ramsey.

You don't have to say anything -
Daddy, what's going on?

He's been arrested
for the murder of your husband.

No! There must be some mistake!

He's my father.

He wouldn't do that,
would you, Daddy?

I couldn't bear him
treating you as he did.

But I didn't care!

He was no good, Lucy.

I hope you rot in hell!

I probably will.

But I didn't kill Lloyd.

Lloyd?
What are you talking about?

I'm afraid it's true, Lady Chatwyn.

Lloyd Kirby was found dead
in a crop circle.

No!

Not Lloyd!

(SLAMS DOOR)

ELECTRICAL BUZZING

BEEPING SOUND
(GASPS)

Ooh.

BEEPING

(MEN GRUNT)

SWORD SLASHES
(YELLS IN PAIN)

CAR PULLS UP

CAR ENGINE STOPS

I've got a couple of ferry tickets
for Holland tonight.

I've done a deal for the silver
with a guy in Amsterdam.

When do we go?

Boat's at two. We'll need
to pack the stuff up beforehand.

Pick you up at nine?

OK.

He had that car at Oxford, you know.
40-odd years ago.

BEEPING
Why did you turn it back on, sir?

BEEPING STOPS

I know my enemy.

Hello, Christian.

God, I wouldn't have
recognised you.

Life takes its toll.

Not even my scotch, Christian.
Where's your loyalty?

I'm Detective Chief Inspector
Barnaby.

This is Detective Sergeant Troy.
Peter Rhodes. Care to join me?

Not while I'm on duty, thank you.

Am I right in assuming that you sent
a Ronald Stokes

to try and kill Sir Christian?

What happened to him?

Well, unlike you, he didn't survive
Sir Christian's electrical defences.

Good old Christian.

Always one step ahead.

But you do look as though you
could do with a large one of these.

GLASSES CLINK

You do realise that you'll be charged
with conspiracy to murder, don't you?

It should never have happened.
None of this.

I should have let it go
all those years ago, but I couldn't.

I was too proud. Too jealous.

Jamais vaincu, never defeated.

That's the family motto, you know.

Isabel's been asking for you.

She wants us to be friends.

Before she dies.

May we have a few moments
in private?

Yes, of course.

Isabel.

It's Peter.

I've come to ask you
to forgive me.

I'm truly sorry for everything
I've done.

Goodbye, Isabel.

Sir Christian, I don't want
to intrude on your grief,

but will you
answer me one last question please?

If I can.

Did you kill Lloyd to shut him up?

I've never killed anyone in my life.

Thank you.

Lloyd seemed very unhappy
about something...

..and he wanted to go away
for a few days.

What had upset him?

What about the events
of the past few days?

Wouldn't they be enough?

Where did he go, Lady Chatwyn?

He said regardless
of what happened,

I wasn't to tell a living soul.

In the circumstances don't you think
that's a bit academic?

I gave him my word.

You said that he was brought up here,
on the farm,

and that his father
was the farm manager.

Where did they live?

It was our secret place.

It was where we were happiest
as children.

POP MUSIC

Two more and we're done.
Alright, alright.

Oh, God, I didn't realise
there was so much.

Oh, turn it up.

MUSIC GETS LOUDER

(BOTH GIGGLE)
I'll put the lights out.

You're thinking of opening
an antique shop, are you Mr Ripert?

CAR STARTS UP
You alright?

The girl.

ROCK MUSIC PUMPS

POP MUSIC

MUSIC SKIPS

Jesus!

For as much as it hath pleased
almighty God,

in his wise providence

to take out of this world the soul
of our deceased brother, Lloyd,

we therefore commit his body
to the ground.

Earth to earth, ashes to ashes,

dust to dust,

looking for the general resurrection

in the last day of life
of the world to come.

Amen.
ALL: Amen.

Here look - the Mekon.

Now that was a real alien to me
when I was a kid.

Every night before I turned out the
light I used to look under the bed

to see if he was there to capture me
and carry me off

to God knows what galaxy on the other
side of the universe.

What're you going to do with these?

Well, I saved them for Cully
but it's boys' stuff.

I think I'll just bin the lot.

Oh, no, you don't.

These will fetch a fortune
at Causton Charity Shop.

UFOs are all the rage around here,
or didn't you know?

Closed Captions by CSI