Original subtitles

It's the first time Shannon's ever been early for summat.

Apart from when they opened TGI Fridays in Watford.

She camped out overnight.

Ooh, their Jack Daniel's sauce.

It's like crack cocaine. THEY LAUGH

I feel like I'm in the Spice World movie!

You know, when they're rushing to see their mate give birth,

but they've also got a gig at the Albert Hall,

and Meatloaf's gone AWOL, having a shit.

It's my favourite piece of cinema.

Mate, I'm, like, thrilled you introduced me to that, seriously.

Like, Victoria is, like, really good in it.

You two are so gay.

OK...

THEY ALL WHEEZE

Don't worry.

She's in the best hands.

I know.

I just...

I hate this place.

When my dad went into a hospice, we all drove him in.

It was the only bit of the hospital with free parking.

He was on so much morphine,

only now and then would we get glimmers of clarity.

I ain't dying in this shithole, OK?

He promised that night he would drive us home in the cab,

unable to quantify he might not.

I'm gonna take us home, son.

I promise.

I promise.

Hey, listen, love...

I want to talk about your future.

Let's not, Laurie.

I...

...don't always feel I have one.

We've got to sort the will and the house and...

...funeral plans.

If you meet another bloke... Oh...

No, no. Sh.

I won't mind. Laurie!

And I just...

Make sure he's a good 'un, yeah?

Cos if there is a heaven...

...I'm cracking right on with Princess Di.

She wouldn't touch you with a bargepole. Oh, yeah?

Well, I thought I might have a chance with Toyah Willcox, then.

I'm really sorry, Laurie. She's still alive.

Is she?

Oh, that's a shame.

Come here.

Listen...

...don't worry about the funeral, cos...

How many partygoers, or guests, are we expecting?

I don't know, Shan. I ain't planning on being there.

Well, will Alan and Shane be there?

Oh, God, I hope not, cos Shane's now voting BNP.

And Alan's a love rat.

Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, even dickheads want to say their goodbyes.

How are you doing, love?

This is actually quite stressful.

Hello, Nan.

I'm Tariq. The father.

Please don't talk to me like that.

I'm very glad to be here!

That's not good! No!

Hello, hello! I am Kerry. And I am Bernie.

Hello, I'm Shannon. Where's the midwife I know?

Well, you are two weeks early,

and Fatima, she's at her sister's divorce buffet,

so you are just going to have to settle for us.

Uh-oh.

A male fucking midwife.

What fucking next?

But, look, we are very excited, cos this is Ker's first birth here.

Very first.

But don't worry, you know, luck of the Irish and all that shit.

But I don't know any Irish people.

Your name is Irish.

What? I thought it was Greek.

It's Greek!

You're joking!

We literally have an airport named after you, you mad thing.

I fucking love Shannon Airport.

First-ever duty free!

Here, smell me.

BERNIE SNIFFS

Oh, God. What's that.

Fantasy, Britney Spears. 19 euro.

Can I...Can I smell it?

Get that nose in there.

SHANNON SNIFFS

That is stunning.

Oh, shit. The birthing bag's at mine.

Can you hang about for a bit? I might have to get it.

Of course. Oh, thanks, Russell.

Sorry.

Ah...

Oh, hi!

He's just a minicab driver.

I've got a minicab here.

Oh.

Why didn't you give him any money, then?

All right, Jonathan Creek.

Come on, Shan needs us.

All right, T? All right?

Yeah. You OK? Yeah.

Um, so, Jack is quite drunk, so we just need to sober him up a bit.

Oh, OK, love.

Can you get him some coke?

What?

Well, it always straightens me out.

Do you mean Coca-Cola?

Yes, love. OK. That and a Wispa bar.

He'll be fine. Sure.

Hi. I'm Tariq, the father.

Hello.

Hi. I'm Tariq, the father.

PHONE TRILLS

Hi. I'm Tariq, the father.

What?

I thought I was the father.

Uh...

I'm joking, mate. It's all right. Good luck to you, pal.

Hi. I'm...

Aw...

Has that been washed?

Of course it's been washed. Don't be daft.

I'm here, Shan. Oh.

Oh. You got the birthing bag?

Yeah. Popped in yours en route.

OK.

If there's anything you need.

Oh, I haven't managed to do my EuroMillions tonight.

So, if you could - 2-4-6-8-10.

Lucky stars - 6 and 9.

Oh.

Ooh, sorry, lads, but there are way too many people in here.

OK? So, the father can stay, and...

..one more.

OK...

Um...

Just one more?

Cheeky bitch!

For six months, I've fed her, scraped the hard skin off her feet,

prepped her. Tariq's in the room, she barely knows him.

Of course she's going to want you in there...

Excuse me, nurse. Where are the nearest bogs?

Oh. Follow me.

Ooh!

Grindr in hospitals always pops off!

Horny doctors on long shifts.

Overnight patients away from their wives.

Yemi, you can't have sex in a hospital.

I've been there, I've done that and I kept the backless gown.

Jesus Christ.

Hospitals are boring places.

When people are bored, they need to cum.

All right, come on, treacle. Let's get you some munch.

Are you OK?

Remember, the last time we were here was for...

Oh, yeah. No. I'm OK.

Are YOU OK?

The pill hit me very hard. Yeah.

And right now, I just really want to get some...

Cockney mothers, they are my favourite.

Makes me feel like I am in Call the Midwife!

Sorry, can I just say, you look absolutely gorgeous tonight.

Do I? Yeah.

I think it's that medicated shampoo you're using.

It's really cleared up your scalp a treat.

I mean, I have to say... Hmm?

...I have dreamt of having a baby with you.

Well, most people have, Ker. THEY LAUGH

OK, look, I have to ask you - are you a four finger or two?

Depends on how dilated she is.

Oh, I meant in a Kit-Kat. Hey-oh!

You make me laugh, Ber!

Hey, Dad.

Are you all right, mate?

Yeah.

I think I might need a tactical chunder.

OK. Well...

Oi, Pegs, your minicab driver's still outside, you know.

Shit!

I forgot.

Call me if anything happens, yeah?

All right, I reckon we can leave now.

Oh, give over. Come on, this is fun.

Oh... Look at us.

We're like the three wise men when Jesus was being born. You know?

I'm bringing...

...Smints.

Here, Shannon. Yeah?

Shall I play some tunes? Oh, that's a great idea.

It'll help you relax.

OK.

Um, how about...

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird.

But the full 16-minute Lyve from Steel Town, Pennsylvania version.

OK. Well, that is drastically going to push event timings over.

I don't care. You're just going to have to sit through it all.

God. Right, OK.

What about an intro track, then?

Perfect 10 - Beautiful South.

For my Pegs.

I don't know that one. Yeah, you do.

No, I don't. You do.

I don't!

Oh... Eh?

LAURIE GROANS

# Cos we love our love

♪ In different sizes

♪ I love her body

♪ Especially the lies... ♪

Argh!

You bitch!

Oh, Nan, it hurts.

Let it pass.

Breathe... Oh, oh, oh!

We could play Breathe!

By Sean Paul, featuring Blu Cantrell.

Uh, Breathe is BY Blu Cantrell,

feat Sean Paul.

Please do not erase women when I'm having our baby, Tariq.

Fuck's sake!

Hope There's Someone by Antony and the Johnsons and ANOHNI

LAURIE BREATHES HEAVILY

You all right, lad?

Eh? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm OK.

Yeah? Yeah.

Come here.

The first Christmas after my old man died,

I was 21.

I got wankered down the pub.

LAURIE LAUGHS

I come home on Christmas Day in a wheelbarrow.

And at the dinner table, I looked opposite

and there was just this empty plate.

And I was so angry.

But then, as time went on, you know...

...grief shifts.

I mean, it don't... it don't get any easier, but...

...people opposite you start to have baby teeth.

Or false ones.

Soon enough, you don't just see the empty plate

but all the full ones.

I promise you that.

OK?

Hey.

I promise.

Now, you just got to make sure your mum don't run off with some nutter.

Dad.

You can't say nutter. It's offensive.

What, you think I give a shit?

THEY LAUGH

LAURIE COUGHS

I'm so sorry about tonight.

No, it's fine. It's just nice to get out of the house, you know?

I had a really nice time, though.

Same.

We'll do it again, yeah?

Yeah, I'd like that.

Bye.

MESSAGE SENT ALERTS

I can't wait for you to have kids.

They're going to be like proper lads as well, I reckon,

with English accents!

And they'll all just, like, love Jeremy Clarkson

just to piss you off.

Danny, will you shut up?

All right. Sorry.

Just trying to make convo.

Sorry. I...

I need some air.

They say laughter can speed up a labour.

So, put your hands together for County Dublin's

very own Kerry McFall!

Hello, everyone!

Is this thing on?

MIDWIVES LAUGH

OK, so, what should a joke have in common with a pregnancy?

I don't know.

A good delivery.

I'm a delivery driver, so I can really...

Sh! Tariq!

Kerry is performing.

What do you call it when you can't find someone

to help you through your pregnancy?

A midwife crisis! Not you.

Oh, God. Sorry. Just me.

Christ, I need a fag.

Here, let's... let's leave that.

Oh...!

Why is this taking so long?

When I was a delivery boy at the Raj Tandoori, we'd get pregnant

white women ordering vindaloos they couldn't handle.

I don't eat spicy food.

Dermatologist on This Morning warned against it.

Spicy pork?

Spicy pork! Spicy pork!

VOICES DISTORT

Spicy pork!

That amount of spicy pork can't be good for a baby.

Get me five black Peperami Firesticks right now!

SHANNON'S SCREAM ECHOES

You don't have a ciggy I could pinch, do you?

Oh. Yes...

Thanks.

Uh, how is... how's Shannon getting on?

Dragging it out, as always.

Months I've been worried she ain't ready to have a baby.

And, trust me, if you ain't ready,

then having a baby's a fucking stupid thing to do.

Yeah.

Then, at the same time, you never know if you're ready.

But tonight...

...I think she is.

I'm not fucking ready!

Well, your baby is!

My nan's having a fag and Tariq's getting spicy pork!

We're going to start pushing now, Shannon.

Check they aren't out there, then!

Look, love, I...

I really ain't going to be there for it.

I know.

I just, you know, I want to make...

Sh...

It's OK.

Listen, you don't need me.

I do. No, you don't need me.

Cos you're a go-getter, girl.

So you go and get them, all right?

You're beautiful.

Oh...

OK, so...

...what would you prefer, goujons or nuggets?

SHE STRAINS

Where are you going?

Where is my nan?

I'm sorry, she's not here!

Pepperami!

Pepperami?

Come on, baby girl! Are you talking to me or the baby?!

MIDWIVES LAUGH

Ow! Fucking hell!

Excuse me, mister. What's your spiciest Peperami?

For so long, I was gutted that my dad died here

on the side of an A-road,

like a pheasant or something.

That he never got back home.

You OK, love?

I'm still sad we weren't here the night he went.

I know.

But Nan was.

Here.

When you have kids, your worst nightmare is to lose them.

And that night, she needed to cuddle her little boy.

And even when she's being a right mare, your nan,

I never begrudge her that.

So it's quite right, really, that she's with Shan

and I've got you.

I think this will be good.

You know, like a new chapter.

Although, my babe, I do have something to tell you.

Is it the minicab driver?

What?

Mum, we share an iCal.

What's a fucking iCal?

When me and Shannon got you an iPhone for Christmas,

she synced up all our phones so I can see when her scans were

and I saw a hot date with Russell in our shared calendar.

I hate having a smartphone.

I feel like a fucking phone hacking victim.

Mum, I'm happy if you're happy.

As long as he's not a nonce.

Oh, I hope not. Yeah.

He is a minicab driver. You never know.

PHONE BUZZES

Shan's having the baby. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God!

You just go to sleep, my love.

Go to sleep.

♪ In the dream

♪ I am carried

♪ By sun rays through the dark

♪ Humble as a hope

♪ I bow to thee. ♪

Has the baby come out yet?

Uh, yeah. You came out to your mum last year, didn't you? Oh.

VOICE-OVER: And after I start worrying all year

about looking after you,

it was you that night who'd been looking after all of us.

MOANING, BANGS

He is horrendous.

Come on.

Peperami!

Oh, my God.

There you go.

Ooh!

I love you, kid.

I love you, Nanny Bingo.

Shan!

You did it!

Thanks, Danny.

I've just had a baby.

Yeah. I know, I was there.

With my ASOS delivery man.

Now I've got all my family around me.

Do you want to hold, Corinne, after Tariq?

Might be you one day.

I'm cool.

Yeah. No, I'm good.

Um, right, I'm going to leave you guys to it.

Corinne, will you just tell me if something's up?

You've been weird all night.

I just, um...

I don't, uh...

What? Like...

I just... Danny, I find all of this just a little bit... sad.

You know, and it just reminds me that I, um...

My, um...

My, um...

My birth mum didn't want me.

And that is fine...

I had... Like, I had no idea. No, it's fine.

It is fine because, you know, it was her right

and it was her choice

and I completely respect that.

But, you know, my, um, my birth doesn't have a story.

And, um...

If I think about her too much

and, like, what it was like to give me up...

...then I just feel a little bit on my own.

Oh, mate, OK, listen.

So I've learned this year that family,

like, it eventually just becomes the people that you choose

and who choose you back. That's it.

Yeah.

And, like, Jack and Yemi and even Peggy,

like, they've become mine.

Well, I will always choose you, Danny King.

And I'll always choose you, soppy girl.

Mmm, salty!

So, Shan, any names?

Well, if the baby had been a boy, I was going to call him Lawrence.

However, she my little baby girl.

Yes, you are!

So instead, right,

I'm going to call her Lawrensienna.

So it's kind of got Lawrence in it, type thing.

Tariq, what's your surname?

Milla.

Ooh.

Lawrensienna Milla.

Lawrensienna Milla Papadopoulou, thank you, Peggy.

I gave birth to her.

This baby is going to be bullied.

And it was in this room that, for the first time since my dad died,

everything just felt right.

Like everyone belonged with each other.

And, yeah, the whole room stank of shit because the baby actually

came out on a wave of Shannon's turds,

but in this very moment, it felt like the joy of loving someone new

felt bigger than the pain of missing someone gone.

Seasons By Future Islands

♪ Seasons change

♪ And I've tried hard just to soften you

♪ Well, seasons change

♪ But I've grown tired trying to change for you

♪ Cos I've been waiting on you

♪ I've been waiting on you... ♪

Let's go home.

Let's go home.

♪ Cos I've been waiting on you

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh I've been waiting on you

♪ As it breaks

♪ The summer will wake... ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media