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00:00:02,021 --> 00:00:03,901
You once told me
about your summer as
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00:00:03,901 --> 00:00:04,981
a Magaluf holiday rep.
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00:00:04,981 --> 00:00:07,541
The tour operator asked
everyone to do a Rosetta Stone,
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00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:10,661
but you were skint, so you did
a key stage three Spanish course
5
00:00:10,661 --> 00:00:11,741
on BBC Bitesize.
6
00:00:11,741 --> 00:00:13,381
Oh, OK, I got one. I know it.
7
00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:19,061
Right, nada del relaciones sexuales
en el banera de hidromasaje.
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00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:20,861
Uh, no shagging in the jacuzzi.
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00:00:20,861 --> 00:00:22,301
Yes!
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00:00:22,301 --> 00:00:23,741
HE LAUGHS
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00:00:23,741 --> 00:00:25,941
So, apparently, most of the
lolidaygoers are, like,
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00:00:25,941 --> 00:00:28,301
they all speak English.
But every now and again, you know,
13
00:00:28,301 --> 00:00:30,661
you get, like, a little
whippersnapper from inland Spain
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00:00:30,661 --> 00:00:32,461
who just comes and spunks
in the hot tub, so.
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00:00:34,061 --> 00:00:36,261
HE LAUGHS
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00:00:36,261 --> 00:00:37,901
What are those?
17
00:00:37,901 --> 00:00:40,021
It's my liquids.
HE CHUCKLES
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00:00:40,021 --> 00:00:41,981
What? It says measure out your
liquids to 100ml
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00:00:41,981 --> 00:00:43,901
and put them in bags.
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00:00:43,901 --> 00:00:45,701
You have... You have to put them
in bags.
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00:00:45,701 --> 00:00:48,701
He's got a bag of shampoo.
A poo bag!
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00:00:48,701 --> 00:00:50,901
You have to
put your liquids in bags.
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00:00:50,901 --> 00:00:52,981
THEY LAUGH
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00:00:52,981 --> 00:00:55,301
Honestly, anyone would think
you've never been abroad.
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00:00:55,301 --> 00:00:58,501
You hadn't.
You'd never even flown before.
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00:00:58,501 --> 00:01:00,701
That summer of work lasted
six months.
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00:01:00,701 --> 00:01:03,381
And the whole time everyone
called you Poo Bag.
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00:01:05,661 --> 00:01:07,541
So, at the end of second year,
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00:01:07,541 --> 00:01:09,101
for our uni work experience week,
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00:01:09,101 --> 00:01:12,381
you made sure yours was somewhere
you'd properly fit in.
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00:01:12,381 --> 00:01:18,181
Well, ever since the, um, the two or
three, or 17, or so, students left
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00:01:18,181 --> 00:01:22,661
for Isis, I've been wanting to
create positive content about how,
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00:01:22,661 --> 00:01:24,741
you know, Brent Uni harnesses potential.
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00:01:24,741 --> 00:01:26,581
I mean, how do you
know I ain't going to leave?
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00:01:26,581 --> 00:01:30,021
Terrorism isn't funny, Danny.
It's a pain in my arse. Sorry.
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00:01:30,021 --> 00:01:34,381
OK, so where are you going
for work experience?
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00:01:34,381 --> 00:01:37,621
I am going to the home of
top-quality bants,
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00:01:37,621 --> 00:01:40,781
online lads' mag, Nice One Mate.
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00:01:40,781 --> 00:01:41,901
Bosh!
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00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:45,861
I'm going to Koolio Radio's
youth issues phone-in show
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00:01:45,861 --> 00:01:47,901
Help! Lol, I'm a Teenager.
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00:01:47,901 --> 00:01:51,541
I'm going to the ethically
conscious, activism-led content
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00:01:51,541 --> 00:01:55,941
creation agency Bloom Flower to help
facilitate the generation of newly
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00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:59,581
manifested ideas
empowered by social justice causes.
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00:01:59,581 --> 00:02:01,381
SHE YAWNS
Oh, sorry...
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00:02:01,381 --> 00:02:04,861
Yeah, I forgot... you're not. What?
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00:02:04,861 --> 00:02:09,301
They sent an email saying
Bloom Flower have ceased operations
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00:02:09,301 --> 00:02:11,581
to engage in a meaningful
period of self-reflection
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00:02:11,581 --> 00:02:13,261
regarding our carbon footprint.
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00:02:13,261 --> 00:02:15,141
Oh, fuck off.
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00:02:15,141 --> 00:02:17,781
Where am I supposed to go
for a week?
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00:02:17,781 --> 00:02:20,941
Oh, my God. This is incredible.
53
00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:23,581
This is horrendous.
Oh, come on, we'll get you through.
54
00:02:23,581 --> 00:02:26,261
I can't believe I'm in for a week
of banter about Michelle Keegan's
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00:02:26,261 --> 00:02:28,581
fucking arse.
I know, it's great.
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00:02:28,581 --> 00:02:31,701
Chelsea Dagger
by The Fratellis
#M
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00:02:35,901 --> 00:02:38,941
Nice One Mate
took on interns as free labour.
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00:02:38,941 --> 00:02:43,021
The editor, Eddie, a 30-something
divorce whose breath even smelt
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00:02:43,021 --> 00:02:47,141
of cocaine, addressed everyone
as either bruv, buddy, pal, lad,
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00:02:47,141 --> 00:02:48,701
geezer, fella or...
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00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:52,421
Broskis, listen the fuck up.
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00:02:52,421 --> 00:02:56,341
We have got some
new work experience in.
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00:02:56,341 --> 00:02:58,781
You all right, fella? Grab a Mac.
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00:02:58,781 --> 00:03:01,341
There's a drinks fridge in the shape
of a VW camper van out back.
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00:03:01,341 --> 00:03:04,021
Honestly, mate, it's fucking nutty
stuff, do you know what I mean?
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00:03:04,021 --> 00:03:06,101
Feel free to grab a beer,
by the way.
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00:03:06,101 --> 00:03:08,021
Um, just bung a quid
in the Pudsey Bear box.
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00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,821
Half the proceeds
go towards a good cause
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00:03:09,821 --> 00:03:11,661
like the Ayia Napa work weekend
trip away.
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00:03:11,661 --> 00:03:13,421
Shabba!
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00:03:13,421 --> 00:03:15,621
Sorry, am I invisible, or...?
I guess so.
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00:03:15,621 --> 00:03:21,221
Now, our editorial interests include
pulling, nightlife, girls,
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00:03:21,221 --> 00:03:24,581
festivals, promo codes for Stone
Island jackets, Bitcoin
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00:03:24,581 --> 00:03:26,661
and girls.
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00:03:26,661 --> 00:03:27,941
This is so fucking lame.
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00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:31,661
And, yeah, just remember, we live
fast, work fast and die young.
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00:03:31,661 --> 00:03:32,821
RIP, Simmo.
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00:03:34,101 --> 00:03:36,901
He died doing what he loved,
you know?
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00:03:36,901 --> 00:03:41,861
Zorbing for 500 words and the
world's most dangerous stag dos.
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00:03:41,861 --> 00:03:47,021
Anyway, I call an editorial pitch
meeting on the hour, every hour.
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00:03:47,021 --> 00:03:50,861
Yeah? It's where one of you lot
will write up my fucking sick ideas.
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00:03:50,861 --> 00:03:52,061
Capiche?
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00:03:52,061 --> 00:03:55,101
Good stuff.
BRB, I'm off for a shit.
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00:03:55,101 --> 00:03:56,341
HE CHUCKLES
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00:03:57,941 --> 00:03:58,941
Shit...
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00:04:03,981 --> 00:04:06,181
Hello. You must be Jack.
87
00:04:06,181 --> 00:04:10,181
I'm producer Beth, and welcome
to Koolio Radio, where the music
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00:04:10,181 --> 00:04:13,461
and chat are too Koolio
a-for schoolio.
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00:04:13,461 --> 00:04:15,501
Do you always speak in that voice?
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00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:18,741
Soz. I forget when I'm not on air to
get rid of the intonation pattern.
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00:04:18,741 --> 00:04:20,381
Let's go!
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00:04:20,381 --> 00:04:23,861
You'll be sat here during the show,
manning calls and texts from young
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00:04:23,861 --> 00:04:28,101
listeners who want advice from our
fab duo, Bethy B and Dr Prateek.
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00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,541
Wait, you present the show as well?
95
00:04:29,541 --> 00:04:32,461
I do now, mainly due to budget
cuts and the old presenter
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00:04:32,461 --> 00:04:34,701
was a paedophile.
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00:04:34,701 --> 00:04:37,141
So follow this script figuring
out if the calls or texts
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00:04:37,141 --> 00:04:38,501
are appropriate to be put on air.
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00:04:38,501 --> 00:04:42,021
OK. I'll be presenting and driving
the radio desk during the show.
100
00:04:42,021 --> 00:04:45,661
OK, what if someone calls in
and they're like having a meltdown?
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00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:48,741
Mm... there's a safeguarding file.
Terms and conditions apply.
102
00:04:48,741 --> 00:04:51,581
If anyone's suicidal, please refer
them to the Koolio Radio website.
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00:04:51,581 --> 00:04:53,741
Sorry. Say that again.
Brill! We're live in 25.
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00:04:53,741 --> 00:04:56,341
Before I forget, I'm a soy flat
white. Dr Prateek's a green tea.
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00:04:56,341 --> 00:05:00,141
Watch out for prank calls and don't
put through a girl named Tamsin.
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00:05:07,821 --> 00:05:09,181
Hello.
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00:05:09,181 --> 00:05:10,661
Excuse me, hi.
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00:05:10,661 --> 00:05:13,581
Are there any other women here,
or is it just...?
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00:05:15,261 --> 00:05:16,421
Babe, sit.
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00:05:16,421 --> 00:05:18,301
Take a seat right there.
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00:05:18,301 --> 00:05:21,101
OK, so we are the subeditors.
I'm Meryl.
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00:05:21,101 --> 00:05:23,061
I upload everything,
check it can't get sued.
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00:05:23,061 --> 00:05:26,261
And I also try and moderate
comments from tiny-dicked
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00:05:26,261 --> 00:05:28,181
men's rights activists.
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00:05:28,181 --> 00:05:31,621
Stick with us cos Eddie over there
only talks to blokes.
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00:05:31,621 --> 00:05:35,621
Ah, I'm leaving. I don't want to be
around misogyny disguised as banter.
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00:05:35,621 --> 00:05:38,581
Oh, OK, Germaine Greer,
but this is the real world, so.
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00:05:38,581 --> 00:05:40,461
Yeah.
Corinne, you need work experience
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00:05:40,461 --> 00:05:43,581
credits to pass second year of uni,
so get involved.
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00:05:43,581 --> 00:05:44,781
What, and...?
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00:05:44,781 --> 00:05:48,941
Look, spend the week with us,
and you will do some of the most
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00:05:48,941 --> 00:05:51,261
challenging subediting
of your career.
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00:05:51,261 --> 00:05:55,461
And you'll learn how to win
against dickhead blokes like Eddie.
124
00:05:55,461 --> 00:05:58,781
Now, come and help me
cut down this piece
125
00:05:58,781 --> 00:06:00,541
on Michelle Keegan's arse.
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00:06:00,541 --> 00:06:01,941
SHE EXHALES
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00:06:04,141 --> 00:06:06,501
I can't believe she expects
us to call her that now.
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00:06:06,501 --> 00:06:08,541
Oh, don't be mean.
She's just got married.
129
00:06:08,541 --> 00:06:10,941
Well, I, for one, will not
be calling her
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00:06:10,941 --> 00:06:13,501
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini -
I can't be dealing with that.
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00:06:13,501 --> 00:06:15,941
I can't believe you're due
in two weeks.
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00:06:15,941 --> 00:06:18,221
It feels like only yesterday
I was changing your nappy.
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00:06:18,221 --> 00:06:20,141
Well, I'll be
changing yours soon, Nan.
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00:06:20,141 --> 00:06:22,461
Oh, my God, Peggy,
Russell just liked your new prof
135
00:06:22,461 --> 00:06:24,141
pic on Facey B. Oh.
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00:06:24,141 --> 00:06:26,701
We're going to the pub on Friday
after he's finished work.
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00:06:26,701 --> 00:06:28,381
What's he do?
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00:06:28,381 --> 00:06:30,061
He's a...
139
00:06:30,061 --> 00:06:32,021
He's a minicab driver.
140
00:06:32,021 --> 00:06:34,981
Oh, look, it's just
a very casual first drink.
141
00:06:34,981 --> 00:06:37,221
You'll actually have to make
your own dinner, Shannon.
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00:06:37,221 --> 00:06:39,941
What? No, I'm eating for three
at the moment, Peggy.
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00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:41,741
That's very tricky for me.
Why three?
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00:06:41,741 --> 00:06:45,221
So many mums in Take a Break go in
to have a baby and then, surprise,
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00:06:45,221 --> 00:06:47,261
surprise, they come out with two.
146
00:06:47,261 --> 00:06:49,821
Oh. So, I'm not taking any chances.
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00:06:49,821 --> 00:06:52,821
And, listen, don't you be getting
loved-up too soon, because I need
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00:06:52,821 --> 00:06:54,421
you to help me raise this baby.
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00:06:54,421 --> 00:06:55,541
Which reminds me -
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00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:59,061
OK, I've drawn up a childcare rota
for the three of us.
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00:06:59,061 --> 00:07:01,221
OK? You can fuck off, love.
152
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,541
Are you my nan? Nans help!
153
00:07:03,541 --> 00:07:04,821
It's all right.
154
00:07:04,821 --> 00:07:06,341
We'll help a bit.
155
00:07:06,341 --> 00:07:09,181
But can you please
get the father involved?
156
00:07:09,181 --> 00:07:11,781
Fine. OK. Yeah, I'll text Tarik,
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00:07:11,781 --> 00:07:14,541
see if he wants to take me
for dinner on Friday.
158
00:07:14,541 --> 00:07:16,301
I'm not cooking for four.
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00:07:16,301 --> 00:07:20,141
OK, we're live in three, two, one.
160
00:07:20,141 --> 00:07:22,221
Hey, folks, it's me, Beth,
161
00:07:22,221 --> 00:07:25,221
and today's topic is exam stress.
162
00:07:25,221 --> 00:07:30,421
So if you're going bonky, bonky,
bonkers over your GCSEs, get calling
163
00:07:30,421 --> 00:07:34,421
0207 946 zero, a-three, a-three,
a-three.
164
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,421
Hello, you're through to
Koolio Radio.
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00:07:36,421 --> 00:07:37,821
What's your name and issue today?
166
00:07:37,821 --> 00:07:41,581
Hi, I'm Lucy, I hate revising and
I need some tips on how to do it.
167
00:07:41,581 --> 00:07:45,661
Great, Lucy. I'll patch you through
to the studio now.
168
00:07:45,661 --> 00:07:47,781
Hello, you're through to
Koolio Radio.
169
00:07:47,781 --> 00:07:49,261
What's your name and issue today?
170
00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:51,741
Tamsin.
Uh, I want to talk to Dr Prateek
171
00:07:51,741 --> 00:07:56,421
cos my GP's always busy
and I've got really itchy tits.
172
00:07:56,421 --> 00:07:57,661
Oh, right.
173
00:07:57,661 --> 00:08:02,821
Um, well, sadly, we can't help
your itchy tits. I mean breasts.
174
00:08:04,741 --> 00:08:06,101
Uh...
175
00:08:06,101 --> 00:08:07,461
Itchy tits.
176
00:08:09,421 --> 00:08:11,301
Hello.
You're through to Koolio Radio.
177
00:08:11,301 --> 00:08:12,461
What's your name and issue?
178
00:08:12,461 --> 00:08:13,701
It's me, it's Jules.
179
00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:15,861
Oh, Jules. I can't chat right now.
180
00:08:15,861 --> 00:08:17,781
I just wondered how
it was all going.
181
00:08:17,781 --> 00:08:19,101
Are you making friends?
182
00:08:19,101 --> 00:08:20,661
Have you had lunch yet?
183
00:08:20,661 --> 00:08:22,301
DIAL TONE
184
00:08:25,501 --> 00:08:27,701
Good morning everybody.
185
00:08:27,701 --> 00:08:30,061
OK, let's gather round.
Gather round.
186
00:08:31,421 --> 00:08:33,581
Uh, first things first, OK,
187
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:39,061
last night I absolutely
walloped Dodsy here on Fifa, 5-0.
188
00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:41,221
So you know what that means.
On the shitbox, Dodsy.
189
00:08:42,701 --> 00:08:46,501
My name's Dodsy
and I'm a pathetic excuse for a man.
190
00:08:46,501 --> 00:08:48,981
THEY CHEER
191
00:08:48,981 --> 00:08:50,941
Remember, if I beat
any of you 5-0,
192
00:08:50,941 --> 00:08:53,541
you have to publicly apologise
for letting mankind down.
193
00:08:53,541 --> 00:08:55,021
Yeah?
194
00:08:55,021 --> 00:08:57,061
Sit down, Dodsy. All right?
195
00:08:57,061 --> 00:09:01,661
Today, some of my very good pals,
Kasabian, they're going to pop
196
00:09:01,661 --> 00:09:03,461
into the office to do a Q&A
on Twitter. Yeah?
197
00:09:03,461 --> 00:09:05,461
Dandruff, you on that?
198
00:09:05,461 --> 00:09:07,261
Yes. Nice one.
199
00:09:07,261 --> 00:09:10,341
So, new idea, OK?
Let's just go with this.
200
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:13,181
I want to do a short-form video
on somebody getting their bollocks
201
00:09:13,181 --> 00:09:14,421
checked for cancerous lumps.
202
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:16,301
But, wait for it,
203
00:09:16,301 --> 00:09:18,581
we're going to get
a page three model to do it.
204
00:09:18,581 --> 00:09:20,421
THEY CHEER
205
00:09:20,421 --> 00:09:21,461
Nah, just jokes.
206
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:24,261
It will actually have to be a fully
qualified nurse, unfortunately.
207
00:09:24,261 --> 00:09:29,181
But the good news is, I will need
somebody to get their balls fondled.
208
00:09:29,181 --> 00:09:31,941
So, uh, let's go with
209
00:09:31,941 --> 00:09:33,821
you, Danny boy.
210
00:09:33,821 --> 00:09:35,901
You'll be getting your tackle
out tomorrow. Yeah?
211
00:09:35,901 --> 00:09:37,181
Yeah. Nice.
212
00:09:37,181 --> 00:09:40,021
I'm going to need a video edit and
accompanying copy on my desk by six.
213
00:09:40,021 --> 00:09:41,861
OK? Whatever. Nice one, mate.
214
00:09:41,861 --> 00:09:42,981
Oh.
215
00:09:44,661 --> 00:09:46,781
Fuckin'... I crack myself up.
216
00:09:55,021 --> 00:09:58,501
Unfortunately, you soon realise
that everyone at Nice One Mate
217
00:09:58,501 --> 00:10:00,101
was a bit of a prick.
218
00:10:00,101 --> 00:10:03,261
Oh, lads, she might have found
a tiny lump.
219
00:10:03,261 --> 00:10:06,261
Oh, no, don't worry about it.
It's just Danny's left nut.
220
00:10:06,261 --> 00:10:08,301
THEY GUFFAW
221
00:10:08,301 --> 00:10:10,781
You're all good. Oh, cheers.
Uh, sorry about that.
222
00:10:10,781 --> 00:10:13,821
Oh, brill.
Thank you, by the way, nurse.
223
00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:15,981
Um, I just think it's always
good to raise awareness.
224
00:10:15,981 --> 00:10:18,461
You know what I mean?
Well done, Ball Boy!
225
00:10:19,861 --> 00:10:21,901
Well done, Ball Boy! Ball Boy.
226
00:10:21,901 --> 00:10:23,381
Ball Boy. So clever!
227
00:10:23,381 --> 00:10:25,861
I actually can't believe
he gone through with that.
228
00:10:25,861 --> 00:10:29,141
♪ Koolio Radio gang, how we doing? ♪
229
00:10:29,141 --> 00:10:30,581
AIR HORN
230
00:10:30,581 --> 00:10:34,261
Today's show theme is all
about losing your virginity.
231
00:10:34,261 --> 00:10:37,701
So if you're worried about it,
give me and Dr Prateek a call.
232
00:10:37,701 --> 00:10:41,981
In the meantime,
here's Madge with Like a Virg.
233
00:10:41,981 --> 00:10:43,621
Like a Virgin
by Madonna
234
00:10:43,621 --> 00:10:45,621
Hello. You're through to
Koolio Radio.
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00:10:45,621 --> 00:10:47,181
SNIGGERING
236
00:10:47,181 --> 00:10:48,261
Hello?
237
00:10:48,261 --> 00:10:49,581
Oh, hello, dear.
238
00:10:49,581 --> 00:10:52,461
Are you a virgin
looking for advice from my show?
239
00:10:52,461 --> 00:10:55,381
No, I'm not a virgin!
I wouldn't be in this mess if I was.
240
00:10:55,381 --> 00:10:56,861
OK, Shannon.
241
00:10:56,861 --> 00:10:59,981
Can you hang up now
because I need to find a virgin.
242
00:10:59,981 --> 00:11:01,341
You're a virgin, ain't you?
243
00:11:01,341 --> 00:11:04,101
Yeah, I might be a virgin,
but at least I'm not a dickhead.
244
00:11:04,101 --> 00:11:07,021
Your mum's here, by the way,
darling, you're on speaker.
245
00:11:07,021 --> 00:11:08,421
Hi, my babe.
246
00:11:08,421 --> 00:11:10,181
OK, stop tuning in, both of you.
247
00:11:10,181 --> 00:11:11,461
You're too old.
248
00:11:11,461 --> 00:11:14,501
Oh, do you know what, Jack? That's
really charming. Thanks a lot.
249
00:11:14,501 --> 00:11:17,181
We're actually going to an antenatal
class now anyway, so...
250
00:11:17,181 --> 00:11:21,181
PHONE LINE BEEPS
Oh! He's naughty like that.
251
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,901
Oh, while I remember, Pegs,
can you put some Muslim cloths
252
00:11:23,901 --> 00:11:25,621
in that birthing bag for me, please?
253
00:11:25,621 --> 00:11:27,661
Oh, I think you mean muslin.
254
00:11:27,661 --> 00:11:30,261
No, I don't think I do.
Let me just fact check that.
255
00:11:32,381 --> 00:11:35,581
Jack, we need a virgin.
256
00:11:35,581 --> 00:11:39,141
Sorry, I can't find any
good callers.
257
00:11:39,141 --> 00:11:41,461
Zero virgins so far.
258
00:11:41,461 --> 00:11:45,061
Well, I did just overhear
your last conversation.
259
00:11:45,061 --> 00:11:48,101
What? I didn't know
you can listen in on my calls.
260
00:11:48,101 --> 00:11:52,341
Yeah, it sounds like we do
have one, don't we?
261
00:11:52,341 --> 00:11:55,101
Here on the show,
we're joined by Jake...
262
00:11:55,101 --> 00:11:57,541
Oh, it's actually...
...the 20-year-old virgin.
263
00:11:57,541 --> 00:12:00,581
Yep, it's Jake.
Very brave of you to talk to us.
264
00:12:00,581 --> 00:12:04,581
So tell us,
why still the V plates?
265
00:12:07,061 --> 00:12:08,701
Wah-hey-hey, y'all right,
Ball Boy?
266
00:12:08,701 --> 00:12:09,981
SNIGGERS
267
00:12:09,981 --> 00:12:11,461
All right, Ball Boy?
268
00:12:11,461 --> 00:12:12,861
HE SNORTS
269
00:12:12,861 --> 00:12:16,261
Oh! Guys, gather around a second.
270
00:12:16,261 --> 00:12:18,261
I just had a bit of a
fucking brainwave.
271
00:12:18,261 --> 00:12:24,101
Right, so, I think we need to do
something new on male mental health.
272
00:12:24,101 --> 00:12:26,541
Yeah? The sad lad shtick.
273
00:12:26,541 --> 00:12:29,261
Smithy's piece about, um,
what was it? Cranking.
274
00:12:29,261 --> 00:12:31,421
You know, crying whilst
you're wanking over your ex.
275
00:12:31,421 --> 00:12:32,861
Did really well with engagement.
276
00:12:32,861 --> 00:12:35,381
Yeah? Meryl. Mm? What we got?
277
00:12:35,381 --> 00:12:40,341
Uh, yeah, Dodsy wants to write about
the 23 best Wetherspoons in Britain
278
00:12:40,341 --> 00:12:42,181
to be depressed in.
That's perfect.
279
00:12:42,181 --> 00:12:44,421
Yeah, it's just rehashed
old bollocks about, you know,
280
00:12:44,421 --> 00:12:47,461
going down the pub, chatting with
your mates, you know? Anyone else?
281
00:12:47,461 --> 00:12:49,941
Anyone? Anyone?
282
00:12:49,941 --> 00:12:51,701
Go on. Ball Boy, hit me.
283
00:12:51,701 --> 00:12:55,901
Uh, yeah, like we could do a piece
about how it's important
284
00:12:55,901 --> 00:12:57,061
to talk, obviously.
285
00:12:57,061 --> 00:13:00,341
But, you know, we need to help
people know what to say when a mate
286
00:13:00,341 --> 00:13:02,301
does actually open up.
287
00:13:02,301 --> 00:13:03,701
OK. Yeah.
288
00:13:03,701 --> 00:13:07,581
Especially as, you know, wait times
now for talking therapies
289
00:13:07,581 --> 00:13:09,061
are getting longer and longer so...
290
00:13:09,061 --> 00:13:11,541
Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
mate, mate, mate,
291
00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:13,821
it's way too deep.
You're killing my vibe.
292
00:13:13,821 --> 00:13:16,661
Don't get all political,
do you know what I mean?
293
00:13:16,661 --> 00:13:20,141
Maybe Danny could write about why
the best cure for depression
294
00:13:20,141 --> 00:13:21,421
is a cheeky Nando's.
295
00:13:21,421 --> 00:13:23,381
Bosh. Thank you, Meryl.
296
00:13:23,381 --> 00:13:26,741
It's like you see in me sometimes,
do you know what I mean?
297
00:13:26,741 --> 00:13:30,501
Right, you write that up.
I'm gonna go to the loo.
298
00:13:30,501 --> 00:13:32,141
Hang on. Right.
299
00:13:32,141 --> 00:13:34,741
Ah! Sunday Brunch in there
can go and fuck himself.
300
00:13:34,741 --> 00:13:36,621
Do you know what,
they're all fucking idiots.
301
00:13:36,621 --> 00:13:39,301
And don't say, "I told you so."
I wasn't.
302
00:13:39,301 --> 00:13:42,061
Oh, do you know, I am sick of
people just trying to humiliate me.
303
00:13:42,061 --> 00:13:44,021
I'm not taking it anymore.
304
00:13:44,021 --> 00:13:46,661
Fuck it, do you know what,
he is a jumped-up, coked up,
305
00:13:46,661 --> 00:13:50,061
secret posh boy with a website.
Mummy and fucking Daddy bought him.
306
00:13:50,061 --> 00:13:52,461
He wouldn't know a good idea
if it came spunked in his mouth.
307
00:13:52,461 --> 00:13:53,741
Wow. OK.
308
00:13:53,741 --> 00:13:56,381
For what it's worth,
I say write your pitch,
309
00:13:56,381 --> 00:13:59,221
I'll upload it
and I won't flag it to Eddie.
310
00:13:59,221 --> 00:14:00,861
Really? Yeah.
311
00:14:00,861 --> 00:14:02,581
I'm leaving next month anyway.
312
00:14:02,581 --> 00:14:03,901
Fucking hate it here.
313
00:14:03,901 --> 00:14:06,661
Aye, fuck him.
314
00:14:06,661 --> 00:14:07,861
Let's do it.
315
00:14:07,861 --> 00:14:09,821
OK. Yeah.
316
00:14:09,821 --> 00:14:11,901
Living For The Weekend
by Hard-Fi
317
00:14:17,701 --> 00:14:22,461
♪ Oh, I've been working all week,
I'm tired
318
00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:26,021
♪ Yeah, I've been working
all week and I'm
319
00:14:26,021 --> 00:14:30,061
♪ Just living for the weekend
320
00:14:31,741 --> 00:14:33,661
♪ Hey, hey
321
00:14:33,661 --> 00:14:37,421
♪ Got some money, I just got paid
322
00:14:37,421 --> 00:14:40,981
♪ Got some money
and I can't wait... ♪
323
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:43,061
I'm just picking today's
show subject
324
00:14:43,061 --> 00:14:47,741
out of this hilarious fez hat.
325
00:14:47,741 --> 00:14:50,061
And it's
326
00:14:50,061 --> 00:14:52,461
exam stress again.
327
00:14:52,461 --> 00:14:53,941
So call in on...
328
00:14:53,941 --> 00:14:57,901
...0207 496 0333.
329
00:14:57,901 --> 00:15:00,701
Koolio Radio,
what's your issue?
330
00:15:00,701 --> 00:15:03,581
Hi, I'm Greg. I'm just really
struggling to learn equations
331
00:15:03,581 --> 00:15:04,901
for my maths exam.
332
00:15:05,941 --> 00:15:07,581
Oh, OK.
333
00:15:07,581 --> 00:15:08,861
Great.
334
00:15:08,861 --> 00:15:11,941
Well, Greg, I'll, uh, patch
you through to the studio.
335
00:15:11,941 --> 00:15:15,221
And we have our first caller.
336
00:15:16,301 --> 00:15:20,141
So, Greg, tell us, what's up?
337
00:15:20,141 --> 00:15:21,181
Yeah.
338
00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:23,781
Uh, why don't you go
339
00:15:23,781 --> 00:15:25,581
fuck her right in the pussy?
340
00:15:25,581 --> 00:15:27,741
Fuck her right in the pussy.
341
00:15:27,741 --> 00:15:30,301
Fuck her right in the pussy.
342
00:15:30,301 --> 00:15:32,341
The pussy! Pussy!
343
00:15:32,341 --> 00:15:35,421
Pussy. Pussy. Pussy.
344
00:15:35,421 --> 00:15:39,821
I'm Greg...
Fuck her right in the pussy.
345
00:15:41,101 --> 00:15:44,021
Fuck her right in the pussy.
346
00:15:45,421 --> 00:15:47,101
To be fair,
you wouldn't have known this,
347
00:15:47,101 --> 00:15:50,381
but when that is said on radio,
somebody's got to get sacked.
348
00:15:50,381 --> 00:15:51,581
It's not going to be me.
349
00:15:51,581 --> 00:15:54,381
And it is certainly not
going to be Dr Prateek.
350
00:15:54,381 --> 00:15:55,421
So...
351
00:15:56,941 --> 00:15:59,501
How can you get sacked from
an experience?
352
00:16:00,541 --> 00:16:03,341
Hey, congrats. Oh.
Cheers, man. Thanks. Thanks.
353
00:16:04,941 --> 00:16:06,381
Well done, mate. Oh, ta.
354
00:16:06,381 --> 00:16:07,821
What? Jesus.
355
00:16:07,821 --> 00:16:08,861
Oh!
356
00:16:10,021 --> 00:16:11,381
Congrats. Oh, thanks. Thank you.
357
00:16:11,381 --> 00:16:13,781
Ooh-wee. It has done really well.
358
00:16:13,781 --> 00:16:16,901
More comments than anything
all week. Really? Mm-hm.
359
00:16:16,901 --> 00:16:19,861
Although hard to believe, you're
actually not an idiot, Danny King.
360
00:16:19,861 --> 00:16:21,101
Shut up.
361
00:16:21,101 --> 00:16:23,301
I don't know why you two
keep being a couple of secret.
362
00:16:23,301 --> 00:16:24,941
Oh, no... We're not a couple. No.
363
00:16:24,941 --> 00:16:28,421
Oi! Ball Boy, Sturgeon, a word.
364
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:32,301
So, do you think you were clever
going against me?
365
00:16:32,301 --> 00:16:35,461
No. We just realised that all
the content you put out is pure
366
00:16:35,461 --> 00:16:38,021
misogyny rooted in humiliation
masquerading as banter.
367
00:16:38,021 --> 00:16:39,341
In English, please, love.
368
00:16:39,341 --> 00:16:41,621
She means you're shit, mate.
Well, charming.
369
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,861
I was about to offer you both
a column.
370
00:16:44,861 --> 00:16:48,341
I actually read the piece, yeah?
I thought it was pretty good.
371
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:51,021
Please. The only reason you like it
is because it was popular.
372
00:16:51,021 --> 00:16:53,101
We had to undermine you to get
it published.
373
00:16:53,101 --> 00:16:56,501
And that is because you, Eddie,
are a massive c-...
374
00:16:56,501 --> 00:16:59,061
Country and western party!
375
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:01,021
Come on in and drink the bar dry.
376
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:03,821
Final day of summer,
so half-price cheeky VKs.
377
00:17:03,821 --> 00:17:05,261
Line dancing imminent.
378
00:17:05,261 --> 00:17:06,301
Yee-haw!
379
00:17:08,301 --> 00:17:10,221
Hello, Danny, mate.
How's it going?
380
00:17:10,221 --> 00:17:11,941
Jack, you're half cut.
381
00:17:11,941 --> 00:17:14,941
It's the middle of the day and,
like, you're supposed to be at work.
382
00:17:14,941 --> 00:17:16,621
And,
383
00:17:16,621 --> 00:17:18,821
I've never been more proud of you!
384
00:17:18,821 --> 00:17:21,301
Well, you know what?
Fuck it, mate.
385
00:17:21,301 --> 00:17:23,261
I've just been sacked
from my work experience.
386
00:17:23,261 --> 00:17:24,621
Same.
387
00:17:24,621 --> 00:17:26,861
THEY CHEER
388
00:17:27,981 --> 00:17:29,661
♪ Let's go fucking metal!
♪ Fucking metal!
389
00:17:29,661 --> 00:17:30,861
♪ Like chicken ori-... ♪
390
00:17:30,861 --> 00:17:33,341
No! You can't say that anymore, Danny.
391
00:17:33,341 --> 00:17:35,261
What?
No, it's Cockney rhyming slang.
392
00:17:35,261 --> 00:17:37,661
It's not offensive.
It's inclusive, if anything.
393
00:17:37,661 --> 00:17:40,461
This guy.
Right, I'm gonna get a drink.
394
00:17:40,461 --> 00:17:42,701
OK, yeah, will do. Be nice to him.
I will. Have fun.
395
00:17:42,701 --> 00:17:43,981
Love, Tarik. Go, go, go.
396
00:17:45,621 --> 00:17:47,141
Hiya. Hiya.
397
00:17:48,861 --> 00:17:50,861
Wow, you look lovely.
398
00:17:52,981 --> 00:17:54,421
Got you these. Oh.
399
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:58,421
4.99. Thanks a lot.
No problem.
400
00:17:58,421 --> 00:18:00,581
So, I was thinking we could get
a kebab.
401
00:18:00,581 --> 00:18:04,941
Just, uh, sit in the van, eat it,
and then maybe go bowling.
402
00:18:04,941 --> 00:18:06,741
Hm. Bowling? Yeah.
403
00:18:06,741 --> 00:18:09,661
I am eight-and-a-half-months
pregnant, Tarik.
404
00:18:09,661 --> 00:18:11,981
Well, I'd let you
have the barriers up.
405
00:18:11,981 --> 00:18:14,181
Brilliant.
No, thank you, to bowling.
406
00:18:14,181 --> 00:18:15,941
I will take a kebab.
407
00:18:15,941 --> 00:18:18,581
I'm actually quite a big fan of
having a kebab before a night out.
408
00:18:18,581 --> 00:18:19,621
Same.
409
00:18:25,221 --> 00:18:26,701
Hello.
410
00:18:26,701 --> 00:18:28,381
Well, you look lovely.
411
00:18:28,381 --> 00:18:29,941
Aw.
412
00:18:31,581 --> 00:18:33,581
I've got you a brandy and coke.
413
00:18:33,581 --> 00:18:34,821
Oh, my favourite.
414
00:18:36,141 --> 00:18:37,381
Calms the nerves.
415
00:18:37,381 --> 00:18:39,221
Yeah.
416
00:18:39,221 --> 00:18:42,221
And I got here early to put
The Clash on the jukebox.
417
00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:44,581
I remember they're your favourite.
418
00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:46,501
Oh, Russell.
419
00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:47,701
Cheers.
420
00:18:47,701 --> 00:18:50,261
If I hadn't, Gary on the bar'd
be playing Il Divo and I can't be
421
00:18:50,261 --> 00:18:51,301
dealing with that shit.
422
00:18:51,301 --> 00:18:54,941
Oh, such boring fuckers.
We get it. You're Italian.
423
00:18:54,941 --> 00:18:58,141
They're actually not Italian.
They're a mixed heritage group.
424
00:18:58,141 --> 00:18:59,821
Act I: La Ci Darem la Mano
by Mozart
425
00:18:59,821 --> 00:19:03,421
♪ La ci darem la mano... ♪
426
00:19:06,701 --> 00:19:10,981
It'd be the greatest honour
of my life to co-parent with you.
427
00:19:10,981 --> 00:19:13,141
Although I don't actually
know anything about you.
428
00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:19,101
OK, well, I am an Aquarius
with a Capricorn moon.
429
00:19:20,381 --> 00:19:21,501
What about you?
430
00:19:21,501 --> 00:19:25,421
I did the quiz online,
and I'm a Hufflepuff. Right.
431
00:19:25,421 --> 00:19:28,101
What's that, then?
Harry Potter.
432
00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:30,421
Oh, no. I've never seen it.
433
00:19:30,421 --> 00:19:33,141
You've never seen Harry Potter?
No.
434
00:19:33,141 --> 00:19:35,221
If I wanted to see an orphan
with a scar on his face,
435
00:19:35,221 --> 00:19:36,421
I'd go to Luton.
436
00:19:37,941 --> 00:19:39,661
Lifetime
by Romy Madley Croft
437
00:19:39,661 --> 00:19:44,541
♪ You'll be right be
You'll be right be
438
00:19:44,541 --> 00:19:49,901
♪ You'll be right be
You'll be right be
439
00:19:49,901 --> 00:19:55,421
♪ Oh, this is a high that
I can't get from nobody else
440
00:19:55,421 --> 00:20:01,181
You know I'll never let
this feeling go to waste
441
00:20:01,181 --> 00:20:05,061
♪ No, oh, no, no way
442
00:20:05,061 --> 00:20:08,821
♪ This must be a love
from a higher place
443
00:20:08,821 --> 00:20:13,381
♪ Closing my eyes
and I still know the taste
444
00:20:13,381 --> 00:20:18,821
♪ The touch of your skin
when the sun hits your face
445
00:20:20,381 --> 00:20:22,101
♪ And if you're ever lonely
446
00:20:22,101 --> 00:20:24,421
♪ If you can't find the way... ♪
447
00:20:24,421 --> 00:20:26,941
You keep looking at me. Do I?
448
00:20:28,541 --> 00:20:31,181
Why haven't you responded
to any of my texts all year?
449
00:20:32,781 --> 00:20:34,581
Well, cos you fancy Yemi.
450
00:20:34,581 --> 00:20:36,181
Everyone fancies Yemi.
451
00:20:36,181 --> 00:20:38,381
No. I fancy both of you.
452
00:20:39,741 --> 00:20:41,821
I chatted you up because
I fancied you.
453
00:20:42,901 --> 00:20:44,021
Really?
454
00:20:45,581 --> 00:20:46,581
Yeah.
455
00:20:46,581 --> 00:20:49,661
So, after two years at
uni, 17 terrible Grindr hook-ups,
456
00:20:49,661 --> 00:20:51,901
some 500-plus wanks, I said...
457
00:20:51,901 --> 00:20:54,461
Do you fancy going somewhere?
458
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:56,061
KISSING AND MOANING
459
00:21:00,341 --> 00:21:02,941
I was finally about to
lose my virginity.
460
00:21:04,621 --> 00:21:07,861
So, I've worked out our astrological
compatibility. Right.
461
00:21:07,861 --> 00:21:12,501
OK. And it says that we're both
very kind, which is good.
462
00:21:12,501 --> 00:21:16,061
Um, I've got a temper,
which is true.
463
00:21:16,061 --> 00:21:18,861
And you are quite clumsy.
464
00:21:18,861 --> 00:21:20,061
Which...
465
00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:24,421
So, we might be good parents.
466
00:21:24,421 --> 00:21:27,261
And what about, um, your family?
Your parents?
467
00:21:27,261 --> 00:21:29,581
Oh, um,
so, my dad died when I was three.
468
00:21:29,581 --> 00:21:32,141
My mum went to Australia
when I was in year seven,
469
00:21:32,141 --> 00:21:34,781
but I can't stand the accent,
so I just stayed here with my nan.
470
00:21:34,781 --> 00:21:36,541
That's nice you're so close.
471
00:21:36,541 --> 00:21:38,181
Hm... Ow.
472
00:21:38,181 --> 00:21:40,141
Ow, my tummy hurts.
473
00:21:40,141 --> 00:21:42,421
Well, you have just had two kebabs.
474
00:21:43,941 --> 00:21:46,141
Oh, my God, what's all that juice?
475
00:21:47,421 --> 00:21:48,901
And what did you say?
476
00:21:48,901 --> 00:21:53,101
I said, Well, allegedly, David
Cameron has fucked a pig." Right?
477
00:21:53,101 --> 00:21:55,341
And she goes, "Don't talk
about women like that."
478
00:21:55,341 --> 00:21:58,061
And I'm like, "No, an actual pig!"
479
00:21:58,061 --> 00:21:59,101
PHONE RINGS
480
00:22:01,061 --> 00:22:04,461
Laurie would tell me about mad
chats he'd have in the cab.
481
00:22:04,461 --> 00:22:06,021
How long was he a black cabbie?
482
00:22:06,021 --> 00:22:07,741
27 years.
483
00:22:07,741 --> 00:22:11,581
Yeah.
He sounds like he was a great bloke.
484
00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:14,261
He'd be happy I was on a date,
by the way.
485
00:22:14,261 --> 00:22:16,261
Although not with a minicab driver.
486
00:22:16,261 --> 00:22:18,741
Yeah. Black cabbies
tend to think we're scum.
487
00:22:18,741 --> 00:22:20,941
I'm yet to be convinced you're not.
488
00:22:22,461 --> 00:22:24,061
PHONE RINGS
489
00:22:24,061 --> 00:22:25,701
Oh.
490
00:22:25,701 --> 00:22:26,821
What?
491
00:22:26,821 --> 00:22:28,741
SHE BREATHES INTENSELY
492
00:22:28,741 --> 00:22:31,141
Breathe, Shannon.
You're going to be fine.
493
00:22:31,141 --> 00:22:34,621
We're five minutes
from the hospital.
494
00:22:34,621 --> 00:22:36,701
This is going to be my favourite
delivery yet.
495
00:22:36,701 --> 00:22:39,101
Don't hold my hand! Drive!
496
00:22:41,061 --> 00:22:44,461
And just as I was about to
fuck Oscar...
497
00:22:44,461 --> 00:22:45,981
You are so predictable.
498
00:22:45,981 --> 00:22:47,781
You got with me in the same
toilet last year.
499
00:22:47,781 --> 00:22:49,781
What? You two got with each other?
500
00:22:49,781 --> 00:22:51,981
Unfortunately. Fuck.
501
00:22:51,981 --> 00:22:53,421
We should all get with each other.
502
00:22:53,421 --> 00:22:55,301
No, thank you, Brokeback Mountain.
503
00:22:55,301 --> 00:22:57,901
Get up.
You left your phone on the table.
504
00:22:57,901 --> 00:22:59,221
Shannon's in labour.
505
00:22:59,221 --> 00:23:01,661
We got to go hospital.
You're drunk.
506
00:23:01,661 --> 00:23:04,501
And I just dropped a pill 20 minutes
ago cos everyone fucked off.
507
00:23:04,501 --> 00:23:06,221
Do I have to?
508
00:23:06,221 --> 00:23:08,621
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
509
00:23:08,621 --> 00:23:10,981
Oh, fuck's sake.
510
00:23:10,981 --> 00:23:13,061
Sorry, Oscar.
511
00:23:13,061 --> 00:23:14,621
Where's Danny and Corinne?
512
00:23:14,621 --> 00:23:17,421
I Am Not a Robot
by MARINA and The Diamonds
513
00:23:26,741 --> 00:23:30,621
♪ Never pick up, don't hang up
514
00:23:30,621 --> 00:23:34,821
♪ Our love faded, our love faded
515
00:23:34,821 --> 00:23:37,421
♪ You never pick up anything
516
00:23:37,421 --> 00:23:39,581
♪ You don't ring, ring, rung
517
00:23:39,581 --> 00:23:43,061
♪ Our love faded, our love faded
518
00:23:43,061 --> 00:23:46,021
♪ Never pick up, don't hang up
519
00:23:47,101 --> 00:23:51,381
♪ Our love faded, our love faded
520
00:23:51,381 --> 00:23:53,941
♪ You never pick up,
don't hang up. ♪
521
00:23:53,941 --> 00:23:55,941
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