Original subtitles

Brent Uni grew on me as a pretty cool place to study, but sadly

a couple of freshers left then ended up in the news.

Here I am trying to help the students with their job interviewing

skills and they keep dropping out to go and wage holy war.

It's not your fault if people leave to join Isis, Jules.

It might be. Right!

Jules and Danny, idea is you talk to camera bigging up the uni.

Jack and I will edit it a treat.

And I get to put video director on my CV.

Right. Jules, why don't you kick us off with

what makes Brent Uni unique. And action!

Hi, I'm Jules Handy. And I'm Danny King.

I've dedicated the last ten years of my life to Brent University.

Want to know why?

Stick around and watch till the end.

Now the gym at uni is a little bit pubey, so when the weather's good,

why not come to our outdoor gym?

But don't come after dark.

Please.

Is that good, Jack?

Jack? Maybe it's your first time away from Mum and Dad,

but don't worry about that.

We can all be your mum now.

Because here at Brent, we have these fantastic facilities.

If you need to focus on your work... Sh!

Or you're a massive dweeb,

then why not come and work in silence in our university library?

Whoa.

Not... That can't... Absolutely not!

You're right by the books!

Go down to the accessible loo if you have to do it. Absolutely not.

So you've heard from the students.

And the SU.

And now that all remains for us to say is... BOTH: Get Brent!

And cut!

Surprise! CHEERING

You remembered. Yeah, I always remember.

Happy birthday, mate.

Happy birthday.

You going to get a new bloody birthday suit then, mate, or what?

Sorry, I forgot what it meant.

I'd been dreaming up this surprise day all year to give you the best

27th B-day ever.

OK, so remember last birthday when you shat yourself?

Yeah. Sort of drugged us all. Yeah.

Lied to us all that you were taking medication when you weren't.

Yeah, all right! It's my birthday.

Well, to avoid that, I've planned a day of all your favourite things.

And to start with, we're going to your favourite place.

The pervy old man pub on the ring road that does Thai food?

Your second favourite place?

Fleet services! It's one of your favourite places.

Look, if it's Pizza Express and a promo code like it's fine, but...

No!

Is it bingo? Bingo!

Oh, mate! See, I know how much you miss going with your nan, so...

Oh, f...

Listen, er. Fuck.

My dad's driving up to have lunch.

Like, I didn't say anything because I thought he was going to

let me down, but, like, he's nearly here. OK.

Right. Well, not to panic.

I can ring and add him on. Will he need parking?

What's his vehicle registration?

I mean, I've been a stranger to the bloke for years.

Parking's scarce. Hey, I think we can just bingo another time.

Yes? You go have a nice lunch with your dad.

Jack, help me edit the film.

And Danny can meet us in the SU for a drink later. Lovely bubbly.

Um, sorry, guys. To be quite H, we actually need to get on.

We're asking everyone on campus one a pivotal question today, aren't we?

Is it white and gold or is it blue and black?

I'm actually seeing blue and gold.

I can't believe this is what our tuition fees pay for.

Oh, that's very sweet of you. Thank you.

I asked my mum and Shannon to get in a cake for a surprise party,

which naturally meant going to the best bakery in Britain.

Costco.

That bloke's checking you out.

No! Er, that's a bit pervy when you're eating Italian sausage.

I'm lucky if I get looked at at all.

Come off it!

I keep telling you to get on the dating apps.

Look, there is no pressure to meet anyone.

Just a laugh. It's just a laugh.

Not for me, thank you. Why?

I'm sorry, but you keep delaying suggestions to get meeting blokes,

and I get it, right?

But wouldn't it be nice for you to have a companion?

Like not be sat here with me in a taxi eating Frankfurters?

OK, fine.

Look, I've only just worked out how to send a Twitter.

And Jack absolutely must not under any circumstance find out.

No, no, no, I know, no, no.

I actually DM'd Cher earlier on today.

What did you say?

Hello, Cher.

Big fan.

How are you?

Any reply?

No.

What a bitch.

Hello, mate! You all right?

Yeah. You good? Yeah.

Come here.

You all right? Yeah.

Lovely. How was the drive?

Nah, it's all right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I hate London, though.

It's just traffic, innit?

Traffic and Pret.

Yeah.

I got you something.

Nice one. Yeah.

Oh. I know you like writing,

and you got your journalism and all that.

Yeah. It's lined.

Right, yeah. Thanks, dad.

Yeah. Well...

Fancy a pint?

Are you having a drink? Yeah, gonna have a little, little snifter.

Special occasion, isn't it? All right. Just one though, yeah?

Yeah, just the one? Mm-hm. Coming up.

Let the dog see the rabbit!

Oh, sorry! You all right?

Yeah. You go to Costco for booze, you come back with a pram.

Aw. Are you getting excited now?

I really am, actually.

The other day in the shop, right, there was this little boy,

and he was like, "Oh, mummy, mummy!"

And I just went, "Yeah?" Just, just to see what it was like!

It turned out he was lost.

That was awful.

And have you talked to Tarik, the baby daddy?

He texts me every single day for how I am.

I've had to start sending him other women's scan pics from Google images

just to get him off my back.

PHONE PINGS Ooh!

I've been matched with John.

Oh, no, no, no, you can't date a man called John.

That is the most common name on the UK sex offenders register.

I nearly called Jack John.

Oh, my God! This woman from Take A Break,

she asked the Metropolitan Police in a Freedom of Information request.

"I would like to know the ten most common first names of sex offenders."

John comes in at number one.

Followed by David, Michael, Peter and Andy.

Which honestly has really made me feel weird about Andi Peters.

I liked him before.

You heard from your mum?

Uh, I mean, she sent me an e-card, if that counts.

Like, we don't really speak.

She don't send me e-cards.

Yeah, it's almost like you're divorced and you hate each other.

Hah! Wise words.

Well, it's true, actually.

Every time I try and call her, she's like, "Oh, I can't talk because of the time difference."

She's in Spain! Yeah, I know. Not fucking Barbados.

Yeah, well, I don't love talking to her, to be honest.

I can just hear it in her voice that she still feels guilty.

And it's just like, I'm done.

Man.

That'll happen if you leave your family.

Well, it's not like you made it easy for her, is it?

Any news on your nan?

Yeah, she's stable, so...

I suppose at this stage, it's just...

It's just a waiting game, isn't it?

Yeah, all right, steady on.

Oh, sorry. I... Fucking hell, I know I...

I'm getting this all wrong, I...

It's all right, it's all right.

Shagging anyone?

Honestly, I now have so many bags for life, I actually believe

many of them will outlive me.

I've still got Laurie's bag for life.

He always shopped in Budgens.

Oh, I love Budgens.

It's like, not Tesco's, not Saino's, not Asda,

but like... it's Budgens, do you know what I mean?

Completely.

Uh, Peggy?

Sorry, babe, but your Tinder photo has got Laurie in it.

Oh, I know I haven't got any nice photos without him in them.

Yeah, babe, not being rude or nothing, but you can't

have your dead husband in your dating pics.

I tried to crop him out, but I couldn't.

Aw, Pegs.

Let me do the cropping, yeah?

Right, just lean forward a bit and let me take some new pics.

All right? I can't. Guys!

You've barely set up.

I want Danny to have a great night.

Don't worry. I'm going to make cheese and pickle sandwiches now.

Cut off the crusts.

He's 27. We just need booze.

I can't even see any plastic cups.

Huh? Well, I got you red plastic cups because I wanted you to feel

like you were in a crazy American music video, OK?

Like you were having some Skins party in LA.

Skins is set in Bristol.

Oh, you are being a contrary bitch today, Jack.

I am seven months pregnant.

Do you think I give a fucking shit about Skins?

Agh!

So that night for your surprise party, I'd invited an odd mishmash

of my family, uni staff and random girls that you had tagged

in Facebook club night photos with.

I was very stressed.

He's here! He's here, he's here.

OK, everyone get down! Shannon.

What's the food sitch? Um, there's sandwiches.

Yeah, but there's no allergen info,

and Kelly is sensitive to wheat gluten.

OK, well, it's bread, isn't it?

Surprise!

Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh, are you Danny's dad?

All right? Can I just ask you for a quickie?

Yeah, OK. Um, this dress.

What colour, would you say?

Popcorn?

I mean, take your time.

Popcorn?

Jack, just relax, all right? Popcorn?

Yemi, the empties!

Popcorn, guys?

♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't

♪ Say another sorry today...

Excuse me, mate. Is there any ice?

Does it look like there's any ice?

Shannon, where's the ice?

Oh, um, the ice?

Let me have a think. Yeah, it's in the shop.

Argh!

Ah. Honestly.

Right, look.

♪ I'm so out of touch

♪ I started to levitate

♪ Now we just hang around... ♪

Shan, I've matched with Russell.

Is he fit?

Well...

He's a minicab driver with all his own teeth, so.

Wow.

You are kicking off with the tens there, Pegs. Good stuff.

But what do I do?

Er...

Just chat.

I don't know what to say.

Message him what you messaged Cher, yeah?

Right. Here we are.

What brought the orgy to a grinding halt?

Er... No, I wouldn't say child protection services, no.

Choose a different one if you can.

Er... White privilege?

No, that did not make me laugh.

So basically, I was involved in major youth tenpin bowling

tournaments around the UK.

I actually won the Margate regionals.

I've got a photo of me with my balls.

Holding them, like that.

Go easy on those. What else have I got?

Some people say I was one of the most successful under-17...

Jules? I got Kelly a pack of chicken Fridge Raiders.

It's the best I can do.

Oh. Kelly was just about to come out to everyone as vegan.

Argh!

Oh. Jack, calm down.

Look, it's going grand. Yeah, look, I'm having a great time.

Listen, have either of you spoke to my dad yet? Erm, not yet.

No, I...

nipped out and got some ice for your straight footy mates.

Oh, no, they're not straight. What?

No, they're a couple of gay fellas I work out at the gym with.

I was just really rude to them! you shouldn't be rude to people

just because you think they're straight, Jack.

Get out of my way. For God's sake!

You having a nice time? Yeah, no, I am, actually.

And your dad? All going good?

Yeah. Yeah.

OK.

So what did Russell say?

Well, he's also just started using Tinder.

Oh, no. Red flag, Peggy, red flag. Flag de rouge.

I bet he's had six dates on there this month. No!

Yeah. No, he seems nice.

He lives in Wembley with two dogs called Sue and Mel.

What? We're just making pleasantries.

OK. Well, make sure you know what his income is per annum.

Then we can find out if you need more cleavage in the main pic.

Oh, blimey. I can't get any more out.

You can, Peggy! You know you can.

Shannon, loads of guys are leaving to go shop because all the beers

are alcohol-free.

Yes, and? Mum said at Costco you got 80 cans of Red Stripe beer.

Danny's favourite drink.

Sorry. Are you now annoyed that the drinks have been drinked?

The clue is in the name Jack. They're drinks.

People drink drinks, OK?

They are thirsty at parties.

And I'm so sorry for providing drinks for people!

But these people need drinks.

And, yes, they might have drunk them all up.

How you doing?

All right. Yeah.

DJ's a bit shit.

This place is a bit of a dive, isn't it?

There's a massive fucking Scotland flag on the wall.

Whoopsy-daisy. That's me.

Yeah, Danny got it for me.

All right, Jock?

Your son's amazing, you know?

Leave it out.

He's a f... He's a plum.

Hello, dickheads!

Jack's just gone to get some more booze,

and he's going to set up a beer pong table.

But I've never played beer pong. You're very beer pong.

Do you know what I mean?

I'll go get some balls. All right.

Look, I'm really glad you came today.

Yeah. Great, mate, yeah.

It's.... It's nice to see you settled in.

I, um, I did want to have a chat, though.

Nan's flat.

I think I should take it.

I mean, it's bigger than mine.

It's nearer to town and stuff.

What are you talking about?

I'm going to apply for succession of the flat.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm after a council flat swap, and I want Nan's.

No, she doesn't... She doesn't want you there.

That's... That's our home.

Well, you live here now.

Anyway. Just play along with the council,

help me out a bit.

Is this why you actually came?

All right, mate, no need to get arsey.

I could have just texted you, couldn't I?

You know, technically, I'm just like a lodger here.

Like I haven't got any tenants rights. It's a fucking shed, right?

Nan's flat's my flat. OK?

That's mine and Nan's flat. It's not yours.

Well, I'm next of kin, so...

Guess we'll both have to apply for it.

She ain't even...

She might need to come back there one day. Come off it.

We both know she is never coming back to that flat.

Yeah, I KNOW, all right?

All right, mate.

Slow down. I thought you lot were supposed to be able to handle your drink.

Fucking amateurs. Fuck you. You now what? Fuck you.

I have been grieving Nan ever since I got here.

You know, this is the reason that I actually reached out

to you and tried to let you back in.

Because I thought maybe, just for a second,

he might be as cut up about this as me.

Well, of course, I mean, it's sad, isn't it,

yeah, but...

You know.

I mean, look at you.

You're still just looking out for yourself, aren't you?

This is why you're completely alone.

And do you know what the worst thing is? So am I.

When she does go, at least I know I would have sat next to her bed.

How are you going to fucking live with yourself?

I feel sorry for you, Dennis.

You'd often leave parties without saying bye.

We'd pretend it's because you'd pulled some fit girl.

But we all know it's because something in your head's gone off.

Can we just not!

Sorry.

I just want... Sometimes it's best if I'm just on my own, OK?

I just. I don't want to...

...like, burden anyone.

You really couldn't burden us, mate.

But I get it.

God, I'm just so sick of...

...like, every time I think it's going to be different and... Danny.

Are you OK?

Can you come back in, please?

Because they're requesting Candy, and you're my only white friend

that can do the slide without me cringing.

Sorry, mate, I just don't...

I just feel a bit embarrassed by the whole thing.

Danny. I'm sorry about him...

No, no. Look, I get it.

When I was like 15, 16, I started sneaking into the gay clubs

using someone else's ID.

He was actually Asian, which is like really bad.

And I was wearing these horrible sequinned crop tops.

It was a lot.

Anyway...

I pretty soon realised that most of my mates said they had to find

a chosen family, and that was either because they couldn't be accepted

by their own or they refused to accept anything less.

I refuse to accept anything less.

And that isn't because all my family are homophobes.

They aren't.

But my chosen family...

They love me whatever.

And that shitty shed

is full of people, Danny, who have chosen you.

So please.

Choose them.

I love you, Yemi.

Of course you do, I'm incredible.

All right.

Shall we go back in? Yeah.

Come on, then.

Come on, then!

Rehearsal. To the right.

To the left. Take it back.

♪ It's nice to hear your voice again

♪ I've waited all day long

♪ Even wrote a song for you

♪ It's strange the way you make me feel

♪ With just a word or two... ♪

What?

Oh, babe, I had a right Jeremy Kyle moment in there.

What happened?

KNOCKING

Are you OK, darl?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be out in a bit.

I'm just... taking a second, you know?

Well, I wanted to give you your birthday present.

Because the other day, I came home and Jack had let himself in,

and I could tell he'd had a little cry upstairs.

We all still miss Laurie.

Sometimes you just got to come home and let it all out.

So I wanted to give you this.

That's... That's Laurie's key. I can't...

It's yours.

It's yours any time you want to pop round.

Have a bath, a cry.

Raid the fridge.

Use towels that aren't like pieces of Ryvita.

You come on by.

You know you don't have to do that. I know. But I want to.

And I promise I'll help you figure out how to keep your nan's flat, OK?

But for now, you are always welcome to feel home at mine.

Thanks.

Just make sure that you get some fabric softener here,

cos them towels in the bathroom, they're, like, crunchy.

It is suspect.

Yeah.

Does that hurt? Yes!

What about that? Shannon, careful.

What's going on? Danny.

I'm so sorry.

Shan told me what happened, and I just saw red.

He punched your dad. Hard.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, mate, that's so good.

Ow! Well, what have I taught you about throwing jabs?

You keep your thumb out the fist jab.

Right. Get ready, gay boys.

I was editing this for ages.

Oh, come on, I don't think people want to watch me and Jules

banging on about Brent Uni.

Just watch.

Happy birthday, Danny!

I hope you like this.

Happy birthday, Danny!

Danny! Happy birthday.

I think you're older than me.

Happy birthday, Danny.

Love from Jules Hendy, head of student union and welfare services.

Happy birthday, Danny. I hope you had the most amazing day.

It took a lot of planning.

I hope you win at bingo.

I hope you did all the pottery painting as well that I booked.

Happy birthday, Danny.

Stop eating my Special K.

Happy birthday, Danny.

I love you.

I called the care home and they sent this.

You know, so she wouldn't forget to wish you a happy birthday.

Jack...

That's not my nan.

What?

I'm only joking. That is.

♪ Won't you hear me at your door

♪ Singing give me some more

♪ Cos you were never empty

♪ And we've been here before

♪ Yes, we've been here before

♪ And that was always plenty... ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media