Original subtitles

Everyone said the first year of a uni degree doesn't count.

It's something that happened, but of no real value whatsoever.

A bit like when Liz Truss was Prime Minister

or Jade joined the Sugababes.

It ultimately provided absolutely nothing.

♪ We cum at the same time

♪ You make it feel like the first time

♪ Promise, never tell a lie... ♪

But for me, first year of uni

was where I started to discover myself.

I left my cushty home as a full-time closeted mummy's boy

and entered the world of Brent Uni,

which ranked at number 138 out of 139

for student satisfaction.

Oh, shit.

I tried drugs, butt plugs.

I even drank some poppers.

I can taste metal.

But mostly I made pals with this lot.

Yemi, student fashion icon and gay best friend.

He's like the agony aunt on This Morning

if she were Nigerian and into piss play.

Corinne, the scariest Scottish woman

since the mum who called her kids "disgusting"

for leaving a shit in the toilet.

But she was a total babe.

And finally, there was you.

Somehow, despite the fact you bought yourself Linx Africa gift sets

and didn't find Jeremy Clarkson's bullshit books unbearable...

...you still became one of the best mates that I'd ever had.

And whilst I fucked up trying to figure out who I was...

...you were dealing with struggles of your own.

So after failing first year,

you came to live with me and Mum that summer,

and for the first time since Dad died,

I felt part of a proper family home.

And you finally opened up about how you hadn't always felt

part of one either.

ALARM BEEPS RAISED MUFFLED VOICES

What you done with it? What you done with it?

SIGHS MUM, MUFFLED: ..I'm a monster.

I just bought her a pint!

I bought her a pint. Yeah, all right.

What you taking an attitude for?

I bought her a pint because it's MY money, isn't it?

I've got a job coming! Cos I told you,

Troy's gonna pay me!

THEY CONTINUE ARGUING

...sick of hearing you say that!

You're talking rubbish! Where's my top?

♪ Don't want to lose you

♪ Don't want to lose you... ♪ You're driving me mad!

You once told me about the time your parents rowed

so bad they forgot to take you to school.

How, on this occasion, they both didn't come back for days,

each one believing the other one was home with you.

BRAKES SCREECH So you were just stood at your door

completely by yourself.

♪ Your body's awful

♪ The very shape... ♪

And that was the day...

Hello? SIGHS

...you left and moved in with your nan.

Hurry up, Danny.

My dad had one wish for his 60th -

that we all pilgrimage to the most beautiful spot in Watford.

Somewhere he'd go after chemo that would provide solace

and clarity of thought. So we went to the...

♪ Pub! Pub! We're going to the pub!

♪ Shannon's planning a party that You're all gonna love!

Well, it's not a pub as such.

It's more like a sports and social club.

It's rough as dogs, more like. Shut up, posh spice.

Thank you, Corinne.

Jack's become a real snob since being the first to go uni.

The other day he made me try choriz-EE-o.

It's actually chori-THO.

Nah, it's actually not.

I was a holiday rep in Magaluf and they all just say chor-IZZO.

Can you all just hurry up a bit, please?

Because I've planned a very good finger buffet that is going stale.

A finger buffet for a dead man's birthday.

Ooh. Will there be chorizo?

And crudites with sweet chilli sauce? GIGGLES

I remember a time without sweet chilli sauce.

Yes, and it was shit, wasn't it?!

Britain before sweet chilli sauce was shit, actually.

And now it's bearable, so come on!

Here we are. Yours first, darling.

Thank you.

For you. Lovely, thank you.

Here we are, ladies. Thanks, Nan. Here's yours.

Oh, yeah.

Your mum did tell me you're a gay boy now.

MUFFLED LAUGHTER Grab your old man stool.

So, as my cousin Shannon tried to pull the pub chef

who fingered her in year 11,

my nan gambled away her basic state pension

and I sat surrounded by shit chat about Nick Clegg,

a mobile DJ called Keith interrupted every song with an anecdote

about footie or X Factor, or how...

This party can't go on all night.

Got to get back to my wife.

Keith didn't have a wife.

And as you'd just got back into uni,

you were adamant to find us all a home that you'd always dreamed of.

So, I'm thinking one of them big American fridges, yeah?

A garden flat enough for a hot tub, like, a bathroom with a bidet.

Ooh. A bidet is a gift to a bottom.

Do you just make everything about gay sex?

I wasn't.

Danny, are you going to be able to find somewhere nice?

Because, you know, second year of our degree actually counts.

Yes, and I'm going to need some pretty private quarters,

as I have quite a few gentlemen of the night who frequent.

You don't need to be polite around me, darl.

I know you love cock. LAUGHTER

All right, listen, I'm going to find us

a beautiful little family home, all right? Don't worry about it.

And I love having lots of people around me,

even if they are complete strangers from Grindr.

Can I just say... Yeah?

...not to be racist,

but I have never lived with two whole Caucasians before.

Oh, babe, you'll be grand.

My mum's so white me and dad have our own cupboard in the kitchen

because her seasoning capabilities are fucking shocking.

I used to spend a lot of time in here as a kid,

mostly cos it was always too loud and laddy

and cos I had really bad IBS.

PERSON CLEARS THROAT

Oh, my God.

I haven't told Jack that we've been smoking weed all summer.

Oh. Thank you.

Don't need an earful from my own son.

You know, I might ask out Corinne.

You should.

Yeah. She's got a great arse.

Mm, she does have a great arse.

I mean, we both do. GIGGLES

I just think we'd be really good together.

Babe...

...sometimes you just got to go for it.

Like, would you ever want to date again?

Maybe.

Don't tell Jack.

Problem with blokes my age

is the good ones are taken

and the rest are, like, perverts,

alkies or can't get it up.

To be fair, I think that's the same with blokes of all ages.

And so I got down on my knees

after finally coming out during the gayest summer in British history,

with the first gay weddings, first drag winner of Eurovision

and first album from Kylie in years

and I...

Oh, fuck! My eye! Ah!

♪ It's in your eye... ♪

...got a mobile DJ's cock in the eye.

Keith, you in here?

ZIPPING Just coming, love. Your record player's jammed

and all we can hear is, "It's Britney, bitch" over and over.

Hey, you all right, Gabriel? What's going on?

We need to go now.

What? What's that?

Hang on, has someone just started on you?

No, no, no, I just need to go, OK?

You got a dick in the eye, didn't you?

The DJ's been Grindr messaging me all night,

begging me to come to the loo.

What are you doing trying to have sex at your dead dad's 60th?

Respect. I wasn't.

There was a hole in the wall. Hey, what's wrong with your eye?

Nothing. Let me kiss it better.

No!

The problem you have, Jack, is you're going for the wrong guys.

What? I wasn't going for Keith.

I just, I finally come out to everyone,

and yet my sexual life is still a disaster.

It seems to me that you've come out to all of the

important straight people in your life,

but you've forgotten to inform one very crucial group.

Who? The gays, Jack.

You're not proactively doing anything about loving cock.

Being gay isn't just loving cock.

It's quite a prerequisite.

Right, listen. This year, you need to get out there IRL, OK?

Start chatting some lads up. I mean, look.

Take a leaf out of your cousin's book.

Snogging.

For that month before second year,

I read numerous gay self-help books about how not to be scared of anal.

Meanwhile, you became increasingly anal when viewing

any of the available student flats.

♪ It feels so good to be back

♪ But our love is gone

♪ It's our favourite song

♪ Oh, no

♪ I could have made a picture... ♪

Ooh. Are you and her still kinda...

I don't know, maybe.

I quite like her, you know?

She's just so chill.

Danny! It has been four weeks

since you promised to find us a house

and you've secured fuck all!

Look, I'm just trying to find us an amazing place with a hot tub.

EXHALES EXPLOSIVELY Right.

I am back from Scotland for 24 hours only,

in which time we have to find a house before I scoot off back home

to vote in a referendum for our independence.

So my people are never again lumped with yous lot.

All right, Braveheart. Shoes on, lads.

MUFFLED SCOLDING CONTINUES Aw. I'll miss Scotland if they go.

Hm. I love shortbread.

And...

...Lorraine.

Thank you. Thank you.

Please be quicker. OK... Please be quicker.

Mm! What a woman!

Christ, Jan! Slow down.

You've nearly done me out a loaf.

I know. I am just so hungry at the moment.

Honestly, you know what they say. If you can smell toast...

You might be having a stroke?

A stroke of luck, that is, because somebody's made toast.

Oh, for the love of God.

CORINNE SIGHS

Take a number. It is first come, first serve

and you may be stood here a little while.

Uh, please do not get Just Eat delivered to this location!

There is no recycling or waste facilities!

God, this is like my X Factor audition.

You auditioned for X factor?

No, no, no, no, no. What?

Yes. Me and my college friends were in a band called

The Slag Pipes.

Well, I auditioned for the S Club Juniors, but they said

the other kids would have never been able to keep up with me.

You once told me you did that.

I just stood and cried when the backing track began.

Dad had to drive me home.

I just really wanted to meet Bradley, you know? Yeah.

...a lot of properties don't actually have that. If you'd like to go through.

We're never going to get this. Oh, come on, it'll be fine.

This is the first day of the rest of your life.

This is the first day of the rest of your life.

Has it been like this the whole time?

I mean, I don't know.

I've been looking at much nicer houses than this.

Oh, God. What if it's like this for every viewing?

It is. This is one of the most competitive

student property markets in London, if not the world.

Up your game, girls. Play dirty.

I'm sorry. Who is this?

Well, let's just say every year I see friendship groups torn apart

by this process.

In the quest to make a home in this realm.

This other Eden.

This over-expensive demi-Paradise known as Brent.

Right. If we have to play dirty, we're going to get fucking filthy,

boys, this is war.

You actually frighten me, Corinne.

I've had a semi since "Slag Pipes".

Can I see some photos, actually? No.

Oh, hell, no. Oh, shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Right, lads, new plan.

OK? We have to start being the very first four people outside a house.

What if we're the first four people INSIDE the house?

Mate, you don't have to do this.

Shut up, Jack! We need this place.

Worst he'll do is just shatter his collarbone.

What?!

It's fine. You're doing great.

Nicely done, Dan, pal.

Hi. Very nice.

Shit. That's, that's the estate agent's early.

Jack, go and distract him. What, how?

Go and chat him up or something, all right? Get some practice in.

THUDDING CLATTERING We good?

This place is amazing.

Come over!

Just let us in, Danny.

Sharon, darl...

Yeah? I couldn't help but notice

there's sick in the toilet pan.

Yeah, I know.

I was so, so sick when I first got here.

Well, you could have flushed it away.

Well, no, because I keep being sick.

So I've uploaded a picture of the sick to a Facebook group,

right, where this woman called Anoushka Delafonte

analyses your sick,

tells you what's wrong with you, like,

whether it's an allergy or something sinister.

OK. But still, you could have flushed the sick.

Oh, my God! What if Anoushka Delafonte needs more sick pics?

What if she needs a different angle?

What if she needs a sample?

OK, well, I've flushed it, so...

Well... SHARON SCOFFS

...let's just hope Anoushka doesn't need it

for further inquiry, shall we?

Hello, you.

Hi.

Are you looking for the property?

I'm looking for lots of things, really.

Mates, dates...

...village fetes.

If you catch my drift.

Well, there's one outside Hemel Hempstead I go to.

And do you come here often?

Erm, well, if a tenant has an issue, I will endeavour to fix it. So...

Cool.

Er, no. No, no, no.

Now, look, I know what you're trying to do.

And you're not going to skip the queue.

And I'm married - to my wife.

I'm just musical theatre trained and used to have a lisp.

I want en suites.

Yeah, go on, fill your boots.

OK, yeah, this is sick. Right?

Yeah, this is sick.

We could make this such a nice little family home.

I'll be out in the garden just, like, chopping wood, topless.

Probably.

You'll be in the kitchen, topless, I imagine. Shut up.

Think of us all having, like, family meals around here

on our shit Ikea plates.

Me and you and our two little gay sons.

CORINNE CHUCKLES Oh, sweet.

Maybe even get some art. Yeah, OK.

Do you know what art is, Danny?

Uh, yes.

I know what art is.

Look at this place. Yeah.

And just think, like, you know,

some nights put the kids to bed...

...and we can have a little romantic meal for two.

CORINNE LAUGHS What?

I'm being serious.

Like...

...why not give this a proper go?

Danny...

Corinne.

Um...

Jesus. You know that I love you.

Um, but back in Edinburgh,

I've sort of started seeing somebody.

Oh, God. Oh.

OK, that makes sense.

I didn't, I didn't want to say anything whilst you were getting

back on your feet and I know that we have history,

but I didn't... It's fine. Listen.

It's good. History is history, so...

CORINNE SHRIEKS

ESTATE AGENT SCREAMS

SHARON GASPS

Oh, Shan. What's wrong?

What's Anoushka Delafonte saying?

TOILET FLUSHES Peggy, if I'm pregnant,

who's going to do my kid's party bookings?

You know, I was going to launch my own company next year with Nan!

Shan and Nanigan's Party Planners!

But don't worry about that yet.

We've still got options.

But I wanted to travel round South America.

I was hoping to run the London Marathon.

You know, what if I can't do that now?

Well, that might be a blessing.

Oh, shit.

Oh. What? I've applied to go on Tipping Point.

SHARON CRIES OUT

Firstly...

...trespass!

Secondly, the decimation of cherished antique teapots!

And thirdly, I'm taking all of you off of our viewings list.

Good luck trying to find somewhere to live now.

What? Fuck's sake!

I knew this plan was doomed from the start.

Listen, we'll just take it now, OK?

All right, I'll go in there, I'll clean up, OK?

I'll pay for all the damages. You cannot live here anyway.

This is an LGBTQ+ only house share.

Yeah, I know, but... You knew?!

Yes. Yeah, all right. I was going to tell him I was asexual,

but he can obviously tell I love the puss...

Danny, shut up!

Corinne, you're not LGBT.

Come off it, Jack. I'm obviously bi.

I knew I should have gone solo.

No. You and me were going to find a two-bed at one point.

Oh, what? You both were going to move somewhere without us?!

Jack, you live so close to uni, I can smell your mum's Asda potpourri from here.

YOU leave my mum's potpourri out of this!

Guys... Face it.

We have five days until term starts and we have nowhere to fucking live!

Just live here, then!

All right? You lot just live here.

Just fucking live here.

MELANCHOLY PIANO CHORDS PLAY

Fuck.

Shan!

You've been in there 45 minutes.

Talk to me.

Shan?

Pegs... Oh.

I'm going to have a baby! PEGGY GASPS

Oh, darl! Oh...

♪ I wanna hold you in my... ♪ THEY CRY LAUGH

Aw! But d'you actually want a baby, though?

Because you wanted to go travelling.

Yeah, and I will.

But I'll just go around Costa del Sol with my son instead.

PEGGY GASPS SHARON LAUGHS Oh, yes!

Aw!

Oh. Anyways, it could be a daughter.

No, it's defs a boy.

Because I've done nine tests and every single one

has come up with a blue cross.

Right.

Can I ask about the father?

Yeah. Can you not, actually? Just because

I'd rather think about that another time.

OK. Yeah.

How are you going to tell Nan?

How are YOU going to tell Nan?

Cos I obviously can't.

Not in my condition.

Oh.

Danny's still not answering.

I was being such a dick.

Don't worry.

He just really wanted us to find a nice place together.

Yeah. OK, let's just get on the emergency housing list

and see what they have.

Ah, well, if it's emergency housing you're after,

I'm afraid there IS an emergency

in that I've run out of emergency and very much waiting

for more emergency to emerge.

So in the meantime, I suggest you find hostels

or boyfriends or...

OK, Jules, this is the second time you've let me down.

Hm. And that's fine,

but Danny needs somewhere stable.

So what I'm going to propose to you

is that you let us back into...

The blue shed?

For all four of us.

We're lodgers, but we're paying full rent.

Yay! Get in!

Come here!

THEY CHUCKLE Oh, my God, are you serious?

Yes. Oh.

Aw! I'm so sorry.

I've been such a twat. I've literally been sat here

looking for two-beds for you and Yemi.

There's no need, pal. We'll get enough shite Ikea plates

for the four of us.

OK. Yeah? I'm getting my room back.

Yeah, you are.

Yeah? Let's just keep the baby thing -

all the detail - from Jack's gang, please.

I really want to make a big impact on Facebook

when I upload a scan pic, get the likes in, you know.

Sshh! Want some bubbles, gals?

Oh, not for me, thanks.

Come on, we're celebrating.

Yeah, but I can't cos of the baby.

Oh, no.

Jack, can you just pop into the kitchen, please, a minute?

Me and Shan have got something we need to tell you.

OK.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Right. Well, we heard some news tonight.

And we wouldn't want you to find out from anyone else.

What? What is it?

Well, it's,

it's just been confirmed that...

That Alison Hammond is doing Strictly Come Dancing.

No! Deep breaths.

Deep breaths, deep breaths. Oh, my God!

I'll need to be home every Saturday night to watch it.

No. I told you this was going to happen.

No, no, no, Jack, you need to be more outgoing.

Come home on Sundays hungover and we'll watch together.

Yeah, great idea, Mum.

If I watch it Sundays,

I won't be able to vote in time.

Will I?!

He's nasty to you.

Here you are. Aw, your key?

Thanks for letting me stay this summer.

Yeah. I really do, like...

Any time.

Night-night, Danny.

Night-night, Pegs.

♪ Like I did... ♪

Night-night, Laurie.

God, this is weird.

It smells exactly the same, doesn't it?

I know, like dust and jizz.

Dusty jizz.

And so we started our second year at Brent Uni

knowing we had to make it count.

♪ Let's run away... ♪

She's nearly here.

Come, come, come, come, come, quick.

♪ The stars...

Hello?!

Walk. Walk, walk.

♪ The stars will guide us

♪ Let's run away... ♪

Hey!

Freedom! CORINNE LAUGHS

Yeah. We're sorry Scotland didn't go.

But we just wanted to say, whether you ever leave us or not,

we'll never leave you.

You daft pricks. Come here.

Come here.

THEY CHUCKLE Mm!

Aw, very sweet.

Thank you.

Is your new Scottish boyfriend going to be wearing a kilt

every time he comes over?

Spencer's English, sadly.

What? Yes. Just graduated from Edinburgh Uni

and he lives in Highgate.

What does he do?

Is he a twat?

You will take the piss. I won't.

Yes, you will. I won't.

He's a spoken word artist.

I actually think that's really brave.

No, go on, then. Spoken word.

Yeah. Get into it.

Lives unheard

Tales of...

Turds. Oh, fuck off!

And he is coming to stay next week, so can we please just...

Look, I'm happy for you. I am.

Hello, you.

Welcome home.

You OK, mate?

Yeah.

You know.

Onwards and upwards.

I mean, look, now my dick works,

I'm going to be doing a lot more shagging in here,

so you might want to invest in some earplugs.

Same.

I am here, you know.

Sorry, Shannon. Yeah.

Look, thanks for helping us out.

Nah, who am I to talk? I'm the one that's bloody pregnant.

Fuck's sake!

I keep doing that.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media