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1
00:00:02,021 --> 00:00:04,501
Everyone said the first year
of a uni degree doesn't count.
2
00:00:04,501 --> 00:00:07,781
It's something that happened,
but of no real value whatsoever.
3
00:00:07,781 --> 00:00:10,541
A bit like when Liz Truss
was Prime Minister
4
00:00:10,541 --> 00:00:12,341
or Jade joined the Sugababes.
5
00:00:12,341 --> 00:00:15,821
It ultimately provided
absolutely nothing.
6
00:00:15,821 --> 00:00:18,621
♪ We cum at the same time
7
00:00:18,621 --> 00:00:21,501
♪ You make it feel like
the first time
8
00:00:21,501 --> 00:00:22,981
♪ Promise, never tell a lie... ♪
9
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,461
But for me, first year of uni
10
00:00:24,461 --> 00:00:26,661
was where I started
to discover myself.
11
00:00:26,661 --> 00:00:30,021
I left my cushty home
as a full-time closeted mummy's boy
12
00:00:30,021 --> 00:00:32,061
and entered the world of Brent Uni,
13
00:00:32,061 --> 00:00:35,541
which ranked at number 138 out of 139
14
00:00:35,541 --> 00:00:37,341
for student satisfaction.
15
00:00:37,341 --> 00:00:38,741
Oh, shit.
16
00:00:38,741 --> 00:00:40,621
I tried drugs, butt plugs.
17
00:00:40,621 --> 00:00:42,221
I even drank some poppers.
18
00:00:42,221 --> 00:00:43,261
I can taste metal.
19
00:00:43,261 --> 00:00:45,501
But mostly I made pals with this lot.
20
00:00:45,501 --> 00:00:48,341
Yemi, student fashion icon
and gay best friend.
21
00:00:48,341 --> 00:00:50,261
He's like the agony aunt
on This Morning
22
00:00:50,261 --> 00:00:52,781
if she were Nigerian
and into piss play.
23
00:00:52,781 --> 00:00:54,821
Corinne, the scariest Scottish woman
24
00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:57,981
since the mum who called
her kids "disgusting"
25
00:00:57,981 --> 00:00:59,541
for leaving a shit in the toilet.
26
00:00:59,541 --> 00:01:02,141
But she was a total babe.
27
00:01:02,141 --> 00:01:04,101
And finally, there was you.
28
00:01:04,101 --> 00:01:07,541
Somehow, despite the fact you bought
yourself Linx Africa gift sets
29
00:01:07,541 --> 00:01:10,701
and didn't find Jeremy Clarkson's
bullshit books unbearable...
30
00:01:13,101 --> 00:01:16,461
...you still became one of
the best mates that I'd ever had.
31
00:01:18,221 --> 00:01:20,701
And whilst I fucked up trying
to figure out who I was...
32
00:01:22,781 --> 00:01:25,421
...you were dealing with struggles
of your own.
33
00:01:27,501 --> 00:01:29,341
So after failing first year,
34
00:01:29,341 --> 00:01:31,581
you came to live with me and Mum
that summer,
35
00:01:31,581 --> 00:01:33,821
and for the first time
since Dad died,
36
00:01:33,821 --> 00:01:36,821
I felt part of a proper family home.
37
00:01:36,821 --> 00:01:39,901
And you finally opened up about
how you hadn't always felt
38
00:01:39,901 --> 00:01:41,741
part of one either.
39
00:01:42,741 --> 00:01:45,941
ALARM BEEPS
RAISED MUFFLED VOICES
40
00:01:45,941 --> 00:01:48,181
What you done with it?
What you done with it?
41
00:01:48,181 --> 00:01:50,101
SIGHS
MUM, MUFFLED: ..I'm a monster.
42
00:01:50,101 --> 00:01:51,781
I just bought her a pint!
43
00:01:51,781 --> 00:01:53,781
I bought her a pint.
Yeah, all right.
44
00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,381
What you taking an attitude for?
45
00:01:55,381 --> 00:01:57,461
I bought her a pint because
it's MY money, isn't it?
46
00:01:57,461 --> 00:01:59,661
I've got a job coming!
Cos I told you,
47
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,261
Troy's gonna pay me!
48
00:02:01,261 --> 00:02:04,221
THEY CONTINUE ARGUING
49
00:02:04,221 --> 00:02:05,661
...sick of hearing you say that!
50
00:02:05,661 --> 00:02:07,181
You're talking rubbish!
Where's my top?
51
00:02:07,181 --> 00:02:09,381
♪ Don't want to lose you
52
00:02:09,381 --> 00:02:15,581
♪ Don't want to lose you... ♪
You're driving me mad!
53
00:02:15,581 --> 00:02:17,621
You once told me about the time
your parents rowed
54
00:02:17,621 --> 00:02:19,741
so bad they forgot to
take you to school.
55
00:02:19,741 --> 00:02:22,941
How, on this occasion, they both
didn't come back for days,
56
00:02:22,941 --> 00:02:25,661
each one believing
the other one was home with you.
57
00:02:27,141 --> 00:02:30,421
BRAKES SCREECH
So you were just stood at your door
58
00:02:30,421 --> 00:02:31,981
completely by yourself.
59
00:02:33,901 --> 00:02:37,581
♪ Your body's awful
60
00:02:37,581 --> 00:02:40,141
♪ The very shape... ♪
61
00:02:40,141 --> 00:02:41,541
And that was the day...
62
00:02:41,541 --> 00:02:44,221
Hello?
SIGHS
63
00:02:44,221 --> 00:02:46,501
...you left and moved
in with your nan.
64
00:02:50,741 --> 00:02:52,141
Hurry up, Danny.
65
00:02:59,101 --> 00:03:01,261
My dad had one wish for his 60th -
66
00:03:01,261 --> 00:03:04,421
that we all pilgrimage to the most
beautiful spot in Watford.
67
00:03:04,421 --> 00:03:06,981
Somewhere he'd go after chemo
that would provide solace
68
00:03:06,981 --> 00:03:09,221
and clarity of thought.
So we went to the...
69
00:03:09,221 --> 00:03:12,381
♪ Pub! Pub!
We're going to the pub!
70
00:03:12,381 --> 00:03:16,341
♪ Shannon's planning a party that
You're all gonna love!
71
00:03:16,341 --> 00:03:18,141
Well, it's not a pub as such.
72
00:03:18,141 --> 00:03:20,621
It's more like a sports
and social club.
73
00:03:20,621 --> 00:03:23,141
It's rough as dogs, more like.
Shut up, posh spice.
74
00:03:23,141 --> 00:03:24,621
Thank you, Corinne.
75
00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:27,861
Jack's become a real snob
since being the first to go uni.
76
00:03:27,861 --> 00:03:31,101
The other day
he made me try choriz-EE-o.
77
00:03:31,101 --> 00:03:32,301
It's actually chori-THO.
78
00:03:32,301 --> 00:03:33,381
Nah, it's actually not.
79
00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:35,981
I was a holiday rep in Magaluf
and they all just say chor-IZZO.
80
00:03:35,981 --> 00:03:37,861
Can you all just hurry up
a bit, please?
81
00:03:37,861 --> 00:03:41,741
Because I've planned a very good
finger buffet that is going stale.
82
00:03:41,741 --> 00:03:44,301
A finger buffet for
a dead man's birthday.
83
00:03:44,301 --> 00:03:47,061
Ooh.
Will there be chorizo?
84
00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:50,661
And crudites with sweet
chilli sauce?
GIGGLES
85
00:03:50,661 --> 00:03:53,541
I remember a time
without sweet chilli sauce.
86
00:03:53,541 --> 00:03:56,021
Yes, and it was shit, wasn't it?!
87
00:03:56,021 --> 00:03:58,701
Britain before sweet chilli sauce
was shit, actually.
88
00:03:58,701 --> 00:04:02,621
And now it's bearable, so come on!
89
00:04:03,781 --> 00:04:06,061
Here we are. Yours first, darling.
90
00:04:06,061 --> 00:04:07,101
Thank you.
91
00:04:07,101 --> 00:04:08,661
For you. Lovely, thank you.
92
00:04:09,981 --> 00:04:12,661
Here we are, ladies.
Thanks, Nan. Here's yours.
93
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:16,501
Oh, yeah.
94
00:04:17,701 --> 00:04:20,061
Your mum did tell me
you're a gay boy now.
95
00:04:30,141 --> 00:04:32,821
MUFFLED LAUGHTER
Grab your old man stool.
96
00:04:32,821 --> 00:04:35,701
So, as my cousin Shannon
tried to pull the pub chef
97
00:04:35,701 --> 00:04:37,301
who fingered her in year 11,
98
00:04:37,301 --> 00:04:39,781
my nan gambled away
her basic state pension
99
00:04:39,781 --> 00:04:42,901
and I sat surrounded by
shit chat about Nick Clegg,
100
00:04:42,901 --> 00:04:46,221
a mobile DJ called Keith interrupted
every song with an anecdote
101
00:04:46,221 --> 00:04:47,981
about footie or X Factor, or how...
102
00:04:47,981 --> 00:04:49,821
This party can't go on all night.
103
00:04:49,821 --> 00:04:51,421
Got to get back to my wife.
104
00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:53,141
Keith didn't have a wife.
105
00:04:53,141 --> 00:04:54,901
And as you'd just got back into uni,
106
00:04:54,901 --> 00:04:57,821
you were adamant to find us all
a home that you'd always dreamed of.
107
00:04:57,821 --> 00:05:00,381
So, I'm thinking one of them
big American fridges, yeah?
108
00:05:00,381 --> 00:05:03,301
A garden flat enough for a hot tub,
like, a bathroom with a bidet.
109
00:05:03,301 --> 00:05:05,381
Ooh. A bidet is a gift to a bottom.
110
00:05:05,381 --> 00:05:07,541
Do you just make everything
about gay sex?
111
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,101
I wasn't.
112
00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:11,381
Danny, are you going to be able
to find somewhere nice?
113
00:05:11,381 --> 00:05:13,581
Because, you know, second year
of our degree actually counts.
114
00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:16,101
Yes, and I'm going to need some
pretty private quarters,
115
00:05:16,101 --> 00:05:19,221
as I have quite a few gentlemen
of the night who frequent.
116
00:05:19,221 --> 00:05:21,301
You don't need to be polite
around me, darl.
117
00:05:21,301 --> 00:05:23,341
I know you love cock. LAUGHTER
118
00:05:23,341 --> 00:05:24,981
All right, listen,
I'm going to find us
119
00:05:24,981 --> 00:05:27,261
a beautiful little family home,
all right? Don't worry about it.
120
00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:29,061
And I love having lots of people
around me,
121
00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:31,941
even if they are complete
strangers from Grindr.
122
00:05:31,941 --> 00:05:33,261
Can I just say... Yeah?
123
00:05:33,261 --> 00:05:34,581
...not to be racist,
124
00:05:34,581 --> 00:05:37,021
but I have never lived
with two whole Caucasians before.
125
00:05:37,021 --> 00:05:38,421
Oh, babe, you'll be grand.
126
00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:41,341
My mum's so white me and dad
have our own cupboard in the kitchen
127
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,901
because her seasoning
capabilities are fucking shocking.
128
00:05:46,541 --> 00:05:49,261
I used to spend a lot of time
in here as a kid,
129
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,661
mostly cos it was always
too loud and laddy
130
00:05:51,661 --> 00:05:54,741
and cos I had really bad IBS.
131
00:05:55,741 --> 00:05:57,941
PERSON CLEARS THROAT
132
00:06:00,781 --> 00:06:02,581
Oh, my God.
133
00:06:03,581 --> 00:06:06,021
I haven't told Jack that we've been
smoking weed all summer.
134
00:06:06,021 --> 00:06:07,701
Oh. Thank you.
135
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,981
Don't need an earful
from my own son.
136
00:06:13,061 --> 00:06:16,301
You know, I might ask out Corinne.
137
00:06:16,301 --> 00:06:17,581
You should.
138
00:06:17,581 --> 00:06:20,261
Yeah. She's got a great arse.
139
00:06:20,261 --> 00:06:22,021
Mm, she does have a great arse.
140
00:06:22,021 --> 00:06:24,141
I mean, we both do. GIGGLES
141
00:06:24,141 --> 00:06:25,861
I just think we'd be
really good together.
142
00:06:26,901 --> 00:06:28,421
Babe...
143
00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:30,821
...sometimes you just
got to go for it.
144
00:06:31,861 --> 00:06:34,461
Like, would you ever
want to date again?
145
00:06:34,461 --> 00:06:36,181
Maybe.
146
00:06:36,181 --> 00:06:37,341
Don't tell Jack.
147
00:06:39,021 --> 00:06:40,901
Problem with blokes my age
148
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,821
is the good ones are taken
149
00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:46,101
and the rest are, like, perverts,
150
00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:48,581
alkies or can't get it up.
151
00:06:49,581 --> 00:06:52,221
To be fair, I think that's the same
with blokes of all ages.
152
00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:56,661
And so I got down on my knees
153
00:06:56,661 --> 00:07:00,701
after finally coming out during the
gayest summer in British history,
154
00:07:00,701 --> 00:07:04,101
with the first gay weddings,
first drag winner of Eurovision
155
00:07:04,101 --> 00:07:06,461
and first album from Kylie in years
156
00:07:06,461 --> 00:07:07,741
and I...
157
00:07:07,741 --> 00:07:10,261
Oh, fuck! My eye! Ah!
158
00:07:10,261 --> 00:07:11,501
♪ It's in your eye... ♪
159
00:07:11,501 --> 00:07:14,341
...got a mobile DJ's cock in the eye.
160
00:07:14,341 --> 00:07:15,941
Keith, you in here?
161
00:07:15,941 --> 00:07:18,261
ZIPPING
Just coming, love.
Your record player's jammed
162
00:07:18,261 --> 00:07:21,261
and all we can hear is,
"It's Britney, bitch" over and over.
163
00:07:22,541 --> 00:07:24,301
Hey, you all right, Gabriel?
What's going on?
164
00:07:24,301 --> 00:07:25,541
We need to go now.
165
00:07:25,541 --> 00:07:26,581
What? What's that?
166
00:07:26,581 --> 00:07:28,221
Hang on, has someone just
started on you?
167
00:07:28,221 --> 00:07:30,141
No, no, no, I just need to go, OK?
168
00:07:30,141 --> 00:07:31,981
You got a dick
in the eye, didn't you?
169
00:07:31,981 --> 00:07:33,701
The DJ's been Grindr messaging me
all night,
170
00:07:33,701 --> 00:07:35,141
begging me to come to the loo.
171
00:07:35,141 --> 00:07:37,821
What are you doing trying to have
sex at your dead dad's 60th?
172
00:07:37,821 --> 00:07:39,341
Respect. I wasn't.
173
00:07:39,341 --> 00:07:42,261
There was a hole in the wall.
Hey, what's wrong with your eye?
174
00:07:42,261 --> 00:07:44,141
Nothing. Let me kiss it better.
175
00:07:44,141 --> 00:07:45,181
No!
176
00:07:50,181 --> 00:07:53,181
The problem you have, Jack,
is you're going for the wrong guys.
177
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:55,141
What? I wasn't going for Keith.
178
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,421
I just, I finally come out
to everyone,
179
00:07:57,421 --> 00:07:59,381
and yet my sexual life
is still a disaster.
180
00:07:59,381 --> 00:08:01,781
It seems to me that
you've come out to all of the
181
00:08:01,781 --> 00:08:03,101
important straight
people in your life,
182
00:08:03,101 --> 00:08:05,301
but you've forgotten to inform
one very crucial group.
183
00:08:05,301 --> 00:08:07,541
Who? The gays, Jack.
184
00:08:07,541 --> 00:08:09,781
You're not proactively doing
anything about loving cock.
185
00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:12,421
Being gay isn't just loving cock.
186
00:08:12,421 --> 00:08:13,741
It's quite a prerequisite.
187
00:08:13,741 --> 00:08:17,461
Right, listen. This year,
you need to get out there IRL, OK?
188
00:08:17,461 --> 00:08:19,861
Start chatting some lads up.
I mean, look.
189
00:08:19,861 --> 00:08:21,781
Take a leaf out of
your cousin's book.
190
00:08:26,861 --> 00:08:28,261
Snogging.
191
00:08:28,261 --> 00:08:30,141
For that month before second year,
192
00:08:30,141 --> 00:08:34,021
I read numerous gay self-help books
about how not to be scared of anal.
193
00:08:34,021 --> 00:08:37,021
Meanwhile, you became
increasingly anal when viewing
194
00:08:37,021 --> 00:08:39,181
any of the available student flats.
195
00:08:44,861 --> 00:08:48,261
♪ It feels so good to be back
196
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:50,381
♪ But our love is gone
197
00:08:50,381 --> 00:08:52,661
♪ It's our favourite song
198
00:08:52,661 --> 00:08:53,781
♪ Oh, no
199
00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,341
♪ I could have made a picture... ♪
200
00:08:58,341 --> 00:09:00,861
Ooh. Are you and her still kinda...
201
00:09:00,861 --> 00:09:02,421
I don't know, maybe.
202
00:09:02,421 --> 00:09:04,141
I quite like her, you know?
203
00:09:04,141 --> 00:09:05,421
She's just so chill.
204
00:09:05,421 --> 00:09:07,381
Danny! It has been four weeks
205
00:09:07,381 --> 00:09:08,981
since you promised to find
us a house
206
00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:10,341
and you've secured fuck all!
207
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:13,981
Look, I'm just trying to find us
an amazing place with a hot tub.
208
00:09:13,981 --> 00:09:15,741
EXHALES EXPLOSIVELY Right.
209
00:09:15,741 --> 00:09:18,741
I am back from Scotland
for 24 hours only,
210
00:09:18,741 --> 00:09:22,701
in which time we have to find
a house before I scoot off back home
211
00:09:22,701 --> 00:09:25,341
to vote in a referendum
for our independence.
212
00:09:25,341 --> 00:09:27,381
So my people are never again
lumped with yous lot.
213
00:09:27,381 --> 00:09:29,541
All right, Braveheart.
Shoes on, lads.
214
00:09:29,541 --> 00:09:32,261
MUFFLED SCOLDING CONTINUES
Aw. I'll miss Scotland if they go.
215
00:09:32,261 --> 00:09:34,901
Hm. I love shortbread.
216
00:09:34,901 --> 00:09:35,941
And...
217
00:09:36,941 --> 00:09:38,621
...Lorraine.
218
00:09:38,621 --> 00:09:40,461
Thank you. Thank you.
219
00:09:40,461 --> 00:09:43,021
Please be quicker. OK...
Please be quicker.
220
00:09:43,021 --> 00:09:45,981
Mm! What a woman!
221
00:09:45,981 --> 00:09:48,341
Christ, Jan! Slow down.
222
00:09:48,341 --> 00:09:50,021
You've nearly done me out a loaf.
223
00:09:50,021 --> 00:09:53,381
I know. I am just so hungry
at the moment.
224
00:09:53,381 --> 00:09:56,021
Honestly, you know what they say.
If you can smell toast...
225
00:09:56,021 --> 00:09:58,021
You might be having a stroke?
226
00:09:58,021 --> 00:10:01,101
A stroke of luck, that is,
because somebody's made toast.
227
00:10:04,421 --> 00:10:06,261
Oh, for the love of God.
228
00:10:06,261 --> 00:10:08,461
CORINNE SIGHS
229
00:10:08,461 --> 00:10:11,221
Take a number.
It is first come, first serve
230
00:10:11,221 --> 00:10:13,861
and you may be
stood here a little while.
231
00:10:15,101 --> 00:10:18,501
Uh, please do not get
Just Eat delivered to this location!
232
00:10:18,501 --> 00:10:21,261
There is no recycling
or waste facilities!
233
00:10:21,261 --> 00:10:23,501
God, this is like my
X Factor audition.
234
00:10:23,501 --> 00:10:25,101
You auditioned for X factor?
235
00:10:25,101 --> 00:10:26,461
No, no, no, no, no. What?
236
00:10:26,461 --> 00:10:28,701
Yes. Me and my college friends
were in a band called
237
00:10:28,701 --> 00:10:30,701
The Slag Pipes.
238
00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:33,021
Well, I auditioned for the
S Club Juniors, but they said
239
00:10:33,021 --> 00:10:35,741
the other kids would have never
been able to keep up with me.
240
00:10:35,741 --> 00:10:37,261
You once told me you did that.
241
00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:40,061
I just stood and cried
when the backing track began.
242
00:10:40,061 --> 00:10:41,581
Dad had to drive me home.
243
00:10:41,581 --> 00:10:43,621
I just really wanted
to meet Bradley, you know? Yeah.
244
00:10:43,621 --> 00:10:46,181
...a lot of properties
don't actually have that.
If you'd like to go through.
245
00:10:46,181 --> 00:10:48,621
We're never going to get this.
Oh, come on, it'll be fine.
246
00:10:48,621 --> 00:10:50,821
This is the first day of
the rest of your life.
247
00:10:50,821 --> 00:10:53,261
This is the first day
of the rest of your life.
248
00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:55,861
Has it been like this
the whole time?
249
00:10:55,861 --> 00:10:56,901
I mean, I don't know.
250
00:10:56,901 --> 00:10:58,981
I've been looking at much
nicer houses than this.
251
00:10:58,981 --> 00:11:01,061
Oh, God. What if it's like this
for every viewing?
252
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:03,181
It is. This is
one of the most competitive
253
00:11:03,181 --> 00:11:05,701
student property markets in London,
if not the world.
254
00:11:05,701 --> 00:11:08,301
Up your game, girls. Play dirty.
255
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:10,141
I'm sorry. Who is this?
256
00:11:10,141 --> 00:11:14,101
Well, let's just say every year
I see friendship groups torn apart
257
00:11:14,101 --> 00:11:15,701
by this process.
258
00:11:15,701 --> 00:11:18,381
In the quest to make
a home in this realm.
259
00:11:18,381 --> 00:11:20,541
This other Eden.
260
00:11:20,541 --> 00:11:24,781
This over-expensive demi-Paradise
known as Brent.
261
00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:28,821
Right. If we have to play dirty,
we're going to get fucking filthy,
262
00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:30,381
boys, this is war.
263
00:11:30,381 --> 00:11:32,221
You actually frighten me, Corinne.
264
00:11:32,221 --> 00:11:34,581
I've had a semi since "Slag Pipes".
265
00:11:34,581 --> 00:11:36,581
Can I see some photos,
actually? No.
266
00:11:43,581 --> 00:11:44,901
Oh, hell, no. Oh, shit.
267
00:11:44,901 --> 00:11:47,181
Shit. Shit. Shit.
268
00:11:47,181 --> 00:11:48,981
Right, lads, new plan.
269
00:11:48,981 --> 00:11:52,621
OK? We have to start being the very
first four people outside a house.
270
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:57,021
What if we're the first four people
INSIDE the house?
271
00:11:59,421 --> 00:12:01,181
Mate, you don't have to do this.
272
00:12:01,181 --> 00:12:03,221
Shut up, Jack! We need this place.
273
00:12:03,221 --> 00:12:05,421
Worst he'll do is just
shatter his collarbone.
274
00:12:05,421 --> 00:12:06,461
What?!
275
00:12:06,461 --> 00:12:07,701
It's fine. You're doing great.
276
00:12:07,701 --> 00:12:10,101
Nicely done, Dan, pal.
277
00:12:10,101 --> 00:12:12,141
Hi. Very nice.
278
00:12:12,141 --> 00:12:14,741
Shit. That's,
that's the estate agent's early.
279
00:12:14,741 --> 00:12:16,661
Jack, go and distract him.
What, how?
280
00:12:16,661 --> 00:12:19,621
Go and chat him up or something,
all right? Get some practice in.
281
00:12:19,621 --> 00:12:22,061
THUDDING
CLATTERING
We good?
282
00:12:23,381 --> 00:12:24,901
This place is amazing.
283
00:12:24,901 --> 00:12:26,141
Come over!
284
00:12:26,141 --> 00:12:27,621
Just let us in, Danny.
285
00:12:30,261 --> 00:12:31,261
Sharon, darl...
286
00:12:31,261 --> 00:12:33,301
Yeah? I couldn't help but notice
287
00:12:33,301 --> 00:12:35,381
there's sick in the toilet pan.
288
00:12:35,381 --> 00:12:36,901
Yeah, I know.
289
00:12:36,901 --> 00:12:39,461
I was so, so sick
when I first got here.
290
00:12:39,461 --> 00:12:41,141
Well, you could have flushed it away.
291
00:12:41,141 --> 00:12:43,941
Well, no, because I keep being sick.
292
00:12:43,941 --> 00:12:47,861
So I've uploaded a picture
of the sick to a Facebook group,
293
00:12:47,861 --> 00:12:49,781
right, where this woman
called Anoushka Delafonte
294
00:12:49,781 --> 00:12:50,981
analyses your sick,
295
00:12:50,981 --> 00:12:52,541
tells you what's
wrong with you, like,
296
00:12:52,541 --> 00:12:54,541
whether it's an allergy
or something sinister.
297
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:57,861
OK. But still, you could
have flushed the sick.
298
00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:02,501
Oh, my God! What if Anoushka
Delafonte needs more sick pics?
299
00:13:02,501 --> 00:13:03,941
What if she needs a different angle?
300
00:13:03,941 --> 00:13:05,341
What if she needs a sample?
301
00:13:05,341 --> 00:13:06,901
OK, well, I've flushed it, so...
302
00:13:06,901 --> 00:13:08,941
Well...
SHARON SCOFFS
303
00:13:08,941 --> 00:13:10,341
...let's just hope Anoushka
doesn't need it
304
00:13:10,341 --> 00:13:12,061
for further inquiry, shall we?
305
00:13:15,101 --> 00:13:16,501
Hello, you.
306
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:17,741
Hi.
307
00:13:17,741 --> 00:13:19,941
Are you looking for the property?
308
00:13:19,941 --> 00:13:22,861
I'm looking for lots
of things, really.
309
00:13:22,861 --> 00:13:25,101
Mates, dates...
310
00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:27,461
...village fetes.
311
00:13:28,501 --> 00:13:30,061
If you catch my drift.
312
00:13:31,381 --> 00:13:33,701
Well, there's one outside
Hemel Hempstead I go to.
313
00:13:33,701 --> 00:13:35,621
And do you come here often?
314
00:13:35,621 --> 00:13:40,781
Erm, well, if a tenant has an issue,
I will endeavour to fix it. So...
315
00:13:40,781 --> 00:13:42,421
Cool.
316
00:13:42,421 --> 00:13:43,661
Er, no. No, no, no.
317
00:13:43,661 --> 00:13:46,261
Now, look, I know what
you're trying to do.
318
00:13:46,261 --> 00:13:47,981
And you're not
going to skip the queue.
319
00:13:47,981 --> 00:13:51,941
And I'm married - to my wife.
320
00:13:51,941 --> 00:13:54,221
I'm just musical theatre trained
and used to have a lisp.
321
00:13:59,101 --> 00:14:00,461
I want en suites.
322
00:14:00,461 --> 00:14:02,421
Yeah, go on, fill your boots.
323
00:14:04,741 --> 00:14:06,341
OK, yeah, this is sick. Right?
324
00:14:06,341 --> 00:14:07,541
Yeah, this is sick.
325
00:14:07,541 --> 00:14:09,901
We could make this
such a nice little family home.
326
00:14:09,901 --> 00:14:12,661
I'll be out in the garden just,
like, chopping wood, topless.
327
00:14:12,661 --> 00:14:13,781
Probably.
328
00:14:13,781 --> 00:14:17,061
You'll be in the kitchen,
topless, I imagine. Shut up.
329
00:14:17,061 --> 00:14:19,581
Think of us all having, like,
family meals around here
330
00:14:19,581 --> 00:14:21,221
on our shit Ikea plates.
331
00:14:21,221 --> 00:14:23,461
Me and you and our two
little gay sons.
332
00:14:23,461 --> 00:14:25,541
CORINNE CHUCKLES
Oh, sweet.
333
00:14:25,541 --> 00:14:27,821
Maybe even get some art. Yeah, OK.
334
00:14:27,821 --> 00:14:29,381
Do you know what art is, Danny?
335
00:14:29,381 --> 00:14:31,701
Uh, yes.
336
00:14:31,701 --> 00:14:32,901
I know what art is.
337
00:14:32,901 --> 00:14:35,061
Look at this place. Yeah.
338
00:14:35,061 --> 00:14:38,621
And just think, like, you know,
339
00:14:38,621 --> 00:14:41,501
some nights put the kids to bed...
340
00:14:42,541 --> 00:14:45,181
...and we can have a
little romantic meal for two.
341
00:14:45,181 --> 00:14:47,661
CORINNE LAUGHS
What?
342
00:14:47,661 --> 00:14:48,981
I'm being serious.
343
00:14:50,501 --> 00:14:51,501
Like...
344
00:14:52,661 --> 00:14:56,941
...why not give this a proper go?
345
00:14:58,701 --> 00:14:59,701
Danny...
346
00:15:01,261 --> 00:15:02,381
Corinne.
347
00:15:04,541 --> 00:15:05,621
Um...
348
00:15:06,621 --> 00:15:08,781
Jesus. You know that I love you.
349
00:15:08,781 --> 00:15:11,861
Um, but back in Edinburgh,
350
00:15:11,861 --> 00:15:14,661
I've sort of
started seeing somebody.
351
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,901
Oh, God. Oh.
352
00:15:17,901 --> 00:15:19,061
OK, that makes sense.
353
00:15:19,061 --> 00:15:21,701
I didn't, I didn't want to say
anything whilst you were getting
354
00:15:21,701 --> 00:15:23,901
back on your feet
and I know that we have history,
355
00:15:23,901 --> 00:15:25,261
but I didn't... It's fine. Listen.
356
00:15:25,261 --> 00:15:28,141
It's good. History is history, so...
357
00:15:28,141 --> 00:15:30,221
CORINNE SHRIEKS
358
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:36,941
ESTATE AGENT SCREAMS
359
00:15:36,941 --> 00:15:39,021
SHARON GASPS
360
00:15:40,661 --> 00:15:42,181
Oh, Shan. What's wrong?
361
00:15:42,181 --> 00:15:44,381
What's Anoushka Delafonte saying?
362
00:15:46,541 --> 00:15:48,581
TOILET FLUSHES
Peggy, if I'm pregnant,
363
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:51,301
who's going to do
my kid's party bookings?
364
00:15:51,301 --> 00:15:54,821
You know, I was going to launch
my own company next year with Nan!
365
00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:56,981
Shan and Nanigan's Party Planners!
366
00:15:56,981 --> 00:15:58,661
But don't worry about that yet.
367
00:15:58,661 --> 00:16:00,181
We've still got options.
368
00:16:00,181 --> 00:16:03,101
But I wanted to travel
round South America.
369
00:16:03,101 --> 00:16:05,621
I was hoping to run
the London Marathon.
370
00:16:05,621 --> 00:16:07,781
You know, what if
I can't do that now?
371
00:16:07,781 --> 00:16:09,381
Well, that might be a blessing.
372
00:16:09,381 --> 00:16:10,541
Oh, shit.
373
00:16:10,541 --> 00:16:12,661
Oh. What? I've applied to go
on Tipping Point.
374
00:16:12,661 --> 00:16:14,861
SHARON CRIES OUT
375
00:16:14,861 --> 00:16:15,901
Firstly...
376
00:16:16,941 --> 00:16:18,181
...trespass!
377
00:16:18,181 --> 00:16:21,581
Secondly, the decimation
of cherished antique teapots!
378
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:24,621
And thirdly, I'm taking all of you
off of our viewings list.
379
00:16:24,621 --> 00:16:26,621
Good luck trying to find
somewhere to live now.
380
00:16:26,621 --> 00:16:28,541
What? Fuck's sake!
381
00:16:28,541 --> 00:16:30,341
I knew this plan
was doomed from the start.
382
00:16:30,341 --> 00:16:31,821
Listen, we'll just take it now, OK?
383
00:16:31,821 --> 00:16:33,901
All right, I'll go in there,
I'll clean up, OK?
384
00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:36,141
I'll pay for all the damages.
You cannot live here anyway.
385
00:16:36,141 --> 00:16:39,501
This is an LGBTQ+ only house share.
386
00:16:39,501 --> 00:16:41,381
Yeah, I know, but... You knew?!
387
00:16:41,381 --> 00:16:44,021
Yes. Yeah, all right. I was going
to tell him I was asexual,
388
00:16:44,021 --> 00:16:45,861
but he can obviously tell
I love the puss...
389
00:16:45,861 --> 00:16:46,941
Danny, shut up!
390
00:16:46,941 --> 00:16:48,701
Corinne, you're not LGBT.
391
00:16:48,701 --> 00:16:50,301
Come off it, Jack.
I'm obviously bi.
392
00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:51,821
I knew I should have gone solo.
393
00:16:51,821 --> 00:16:54,381
No. You and me were going
to find a two-bed at one point.
394
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:56,661
Oh, what? You both were
going to move somewhere without us?!
395
00:16:56,661 --> 00:17:00,061
Jack, you live so close to uni,
I can smell your mum's Asda
potpourri from here.
396
00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:01,901
YOU leave my mum's potpourri
out of this!
397
00:17:01,901 --> 00:17:03,021
Guys... Face it.
398
00:17:03,021 --> 00:17:06,741
We have five days until term starts
and we have nowhere to fucking live!
399
00:17:06,741 --> 00:17:08,221
Just live here, then!
400
00:17:08,221 --> 00:17:10,301
All right? You lot just live here.
401
00:17:10,301 --> 00:17:11,981
Just fucking live here.
402
00:17:11,981 --> 00:17:15,581
MELANCHOLY PIANO CHORDS PLAY
403
00:17:18,061 --> 00:17:19,101
Fuck.
404
00:17:22,021 --> 00:17:23,901
Shan!
405
00:17:23,901 --> 00:17:26,181
You've been in there 45 minutes.
406
00:17:26,181 --> 00:17:27,501
Talk to me.
407
00:17:28,741 --> 00:17:29,861
Shan?
408
00:17:32,381 --> 00:17:34,661
Pegs... Oh.
409
00:17:35,981 --> 00:17:38,821
I'm going to have a baby!
PEGGY GASPS
410
00:17:38,821 --> 00:17:40,261
Oh, darl! Oh...
411
00:17:40,261 --> 00:17:44,221
♪ I wanna hold you in my... ♪
THEY CRY LAUGH
412
00:17:47,141 --> 00:17:49,861
Aw! But d'you actually want
a baby, though?
413
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,981
Because you wanted to go travelling.
414
00:17:51,981 --> 00:17:53,701
Yeah, and I will.
415
00:17:53,701 --> 00:17:57,301
But I'll just go around
Costa del Sol with my son instead.
416
00:17:57,301 --> 00:18:00,141
PEGGY GASPS
SHARON LAUGHS
Oh, yes!
417
00:18:00,141 --> 00:18:01,181
Aw!
418
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,381
Oh. Anyways, it could be a daughter.
419
00:18:03,381 --> 00:18:04,981
No, it's defs a boy.
420
00:18:04,981 --> 00:18:07,381
Because I've done nine tests
and every single one
421
00:18:07,381 --> 00:18:08,941
has come up
with a blue cross.
422
00:18:08,941 --> 00:18:10,341
Right.
423
00:18:10,341 --> 00:18:12,261
Can I ask about the father?
424
00:18:12,261 --> 00:18:15,061
Yeah. Can you not,
actually? Just because
425
00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:17,261
I'd rather think
about that another time.
426
00:18:17,261 --> 00:18:18,741
OK. Yeah.
427
00:18:18,741 --> 00:18:20,781
How are you going to tell Nan?
428
00:18:22,181 --> 00:18:23,861
How are YOU going to tell Nan?
429
00:18:25,061 --> 00:18:26,821
Cos I obviously can't.
430
00:18:26,821 --> 00:18:28,541
Not in my condition.
431
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:29,741
Oh.
432
00:18:31,781 --> 00:18:34,181
Danny's still not answering.
433
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:35,901
I was being such a dick.
434
00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:36,981
Don't worry.
435
00:18:36,981 --> 00:18:39,861
He just really wanted us
to find a nice place together.
436
00:18:39,861 --> 00:18:42,181
Yeah. OK, let's just get on
the emergency housing list
437
00:18:42,181 --> 00:18:43,501
and see what they have.
438
00:18:43,501 --> 00:18:45,661
Ah, well, if it's emergency
housing you're after,
439
00:18:45,661 --> 00:18:47,181
I'm afraid there IS an emergency
440
00:18:47,181 --> 00:18:49,461
in that I've run out of emergency
and very much waiting
441
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,301
for more emergency to emerge.
442
00:18:51,301 --> 00:18:55,141
So in the meantime,
I suggest you find hostels
443
00:18:55,141 --> 00:18:57,141
or boyfriends or...
444
00:18:57,141 --> 00:19:01,061
OK, Jules, this is the second time
you've let me down.
445
00:19:01,061 --> 00:19:02,981
Hm. And that's fine,
446
00:19:02,981 --> 00:19:05,781
but Danny needs somewhere stable.
447
00:19:06,821 --> 00:19:09,021
So what I'm going to propose to you
448
00:19:09,021 --> 00:19:10,821
is that you let us back into...
449
00:19:10,821 --> 00:19:11,901
The blue shed?
450
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:12,981
For all four of us.
451
00:19:12,981 --> 00:19:14,861
We're lodgers,
but we're paying full rent.
452
00:19:14,861 --> 00:19:16,101
Yay! Get in!
453
00:19:16,101 --> 00:19:17,221
Come here!
454
00:19:17,221 --> 00:19:19,501
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh, my God, are you serious?
455
00:19:19,501 --> 00:19:20,741
Yes. Oh.
456
00:19:20,741 --> 00:19:22,221
Aw! I'm so sorry.
457
00:19:22,221 --> 00:19:24,261
I've been such a twat.
I've literally been sat here
458
00:19:24,261 --> 00:19:25,741
looking for two-beds
for you and Yemi.
459
00:19:25,741 --> 00:19:27,781
There's no need, pal.
We'll get enough shite Ikea plates
460
00:19:27,781 --> 00:19:28,821
for the four of us.
461
00:19:28,821 --> 00:19:30,301
OK. Yeah? I'm getting my room back.
462
00:19:30,301 --> 00:19:31,541
Yeah, you are.
463
00:19:31,541 --> 00:19:33,821
Yeah?
Let's just keep the baby thing -
464
00:19:33,821 --> 00:19:35,861
all the detail - from
Jack's gang, please.
465
00:19:35,861 --> 00:19:38,021
I really want to make
a big impact on Facebook
466
00:19:38,021 --> 00:19:41,301
when I upload a scan pic,
get the likes in, you know.
467
00:19:42,461 --> 00:19:44,421
Sshh!
Want some bubbles, gals?
468
00:19:44,421 --> 00:19:45,861
Oh, not for me, thanks.
469
00:19:45,861 --> 00:19:47,221
Come on, we're celebrating.
470
00:19:47,221 --> 00:19:49,821
Yeah, but I can't cos of the baby.
471
00:19:49,821 --> 00:19:51,821
Oh, no.
472
00:19:51,821 --> 00:19:56,461
Jack, can you just pop into the
kitchen, please, a minute?
473
00:19:56,461 --> 00:19:59,501
Me and Shan have got something
we need to tell you.
474
00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:00,541
OK.
475
00:20:00,541 --> 00:20:02,581
INDISTINCT CHATTER
476
00:20:04,301 --> 00:20:07,061
Right. Well,
we heard some news tonight.
477
00:20:08,061 --> 00:20:11,861
And we wouldn't want you
to find out from anyone else.
478
00:20:13,181 --> 00:20:14,301
What? What is it?
479
00:20:15,941 --> 00:20:16,981
Well, it's,
480
00:20:16,981 --> 00:20:20,221
it's just been confirmed that...
481
00:20:22,701 --> 00:20:25,541
That Alison Hammond is doing
Strictly Come Dancing.
482
00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:27,301
No! Deep breaths.
483
00:20:27,301 --> 00:20:29,181
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Oh, my God!
484
00:20:29,181 --> 00:20:31,701
I'll need to be home
every Saturday night to watch it.
485
00:20:31,701 --> 00:20:33,541
No. I told you
this was going to happen.
486
00:20:33,541 --> 00:20:36,101
No, no, no, Jack,
you need to be more outgoing.
487
00:20:36,101 --> 00:20:39,741
Come home on Sundays hungover
and we'll watch together.
488
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:41,981
Yeah, great idea, Mum.
489
00:20:43,021 --> 00:20:45,221
If I watch it Sundays,
490
00:20:45,221 --> 00:20:47,941
I won't be able to vote in time.
491
00:20:47,941 --> 00:20:49,541
Will I?!
492
00:20:51,861 --> 00:20:53,421
He's nasty to you.
493
00:20:59,981 --> 00:21:01,701
Here you are. Aw, your key?
494
00:21:01,701 --> 00:21:03,941
Thanks for letting me
stay this summer.
495
00:21:05,621 --> 00:21:08,221
Yeah. I really do, like...
496
00:21:08,221 --> 00:21:09,701
Any time.
497
00:21:12,501 --> 00:21:14,021
Night-night, Danny.
498
00:21:14,021 --> 00:21:15,221
Night-night, Pegs.
499
00:21:19,341 --> 00:21:25,581
♪ Like I did... ♪
500
00:21:25,581 --> 00:21:26,621
Night-night, Laurie.
501
00:21:31,421 --> 00:21:32,821
God, this is weird.
502
00:21:32,821 --> 00:21:35,061
It smells exactly the same,
doesn't it?
503
00:21:35,061 --> 00:21:36,661
I know, like dust and jizz.
504
00:21:36,661 --> 00:21:37,821
Dusty jizz.
505
00:21:38,981 --> 00:21:41,781
And so we started our
second year at Brent Uni
506
00:21:41,781 --> 00:21:43,981
knowing we had to make it count.
507
00:21:43,981 --> 00:21:45,821
♪ Let's run away... ♪
508
00:21:45,821 --> 00:21:46,941
She's nearly here.
509
00:21:48,101 --> 00:21:49,861
Come, come, come, come,
come, quick.
510
00:21:51,021 --> 00:21:52,341
♪ The stars...
511
00:21:52,341 --> 00:21:53,461
Hello?!
512
00:21:54,621 --> 00:21:56,141
Walk. Walk, walk.
513
00:21:56,141 --> 00:21:58,581
♪ The stars will guide us
514
00:21:58,581 --> 00:22:00,181
♪ Let's run away... ♪
515
00:22:00,181 --> 00:22:02,861
Hey!
516
00:22:02,861 --> 00:22:06,141
Freedom!
CORINNE LAUGHS
517
00:22:06,141 --> 00:22:08,381
Yeah. We're sorry Scotland didn't go.
518
00:22:08,381 --> 00:22:11,181
But we just wanted to say,
whether you ever leave us or not,
519
00:22:11,181 --> 00:22:12,221
we'll never leave you.
520
00:22:12,221 --> 00:22:13,981
You daft pricks. Come here.
521
00:22:13,981 --> 00:22:16,101
Come here.
522
00:22:16,101 --> 00:22:18,621
THEY CHUCKLE
Mm!
523
00:22:18,621 --> 00:22:20,181
Aw, very sweet.
524
00:22:20,181 --> 00:22:21,261
Thank you.
525
00:22:21,261 --> 00:22:23,741
Is your new Scottish boyfriend
going to be wearing a kilt
526
00:22:23,741 --> 00:22:25,061
every time he comes over?
527
00:22:25,061 --> 00:22:26,461
Spencer's English, sadly.
528
00:22:26,461 --> 00:22:28,541
What? Yes.
Just graduated from Edinburgh Uni
529
00:22:28,541 --> 00:22:30,021
and he lives in Highgate.
530
00:22:30,021 --> 00:22:31,221
What does he do?
531
00:22:31,221 --> 00:22:32,661
Is he a twat?
532
00:22:32,661 --> 00:22:34,341
You will take the piss. I won't.
533
00:22:34,341 --> 00:22:36,501
Yes, you will. I won't.
534
00:22:36,501 --> 00:22:38,381
He's a spoken word artist.
535
00:22:41,221 --> 00:22:42,821
I actually think that's
really brave.
536
00:22:42,821 --> 00:22:44,701
No, go on, then. Spoken word.
537
00:22:44,701 --> 00:22:45,741
Yeah. Get into it.
538
00:22:45,741 --> 00:22:47,621
Lives unheard
539
00:22:47,621 --> 00:22:48,981
Tales of...
540
00:22:48,981 --> 00:22:50,981
Turds. Oh, fuck off!
541
00:22:50,981 --> 00:22:54,021
And he is coming to stay next
week, so can we please just...
542
00:22:54,021 --> 00:22:56,021
Look, I'm happy for you. I am.
543
00:22:59,381 --> 00:23:00,541
Hello, you.
544
00:23:00,541 --> 00:23:02,461
Welcome home.
545
00:23:02,461 --> 00:23:03,861
You OK, mate?
546
00:23:03,861 --> 00:23:05,101
Yeah.
547
00:23:05,101 --> 00:23:06,181
You know.
548
00:23:06,181 --> 00:23:07,861
Onwards and upwards.
549
00:23:07,861 --> 00:23:09,301
I mean, look, now my dick works,
550
00:23:09,301 --> 00:23:11,501
I'm going to be doing a lot
more shagging in here,
551
00:23:11,501 --> 00:23:14,061
so you might want to invest
in some earplugs.
552
00:23:15,901 --> 00:23:17,021
Same.
553
00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:18,781
I am here, you know.
554
00:23:18,781 --> 00:23:20,221
Sorry, Shannon. Yeah.
555
00:23:20,221 --> 00:23:21,621
Look, thanks for helping us out.
556
00:23:21,621 --> 00:23:24,101
Nah, who am I to talk?
I'm the one that's bloody pregnant.
557
00:23:25,181 --> 00:23:26,261
Fuck's sake!
558
00:23:26,261 --> 00:23:27,741
I keep doing that.
559
00:23:51,621 --> 00:23:54,821
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