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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,021 --> 00:00:04,501 Everyone said the first year of a uni degree doesn't count. 2 00:00:04,501 --> 00:00:07,781 It's something that happened, but of no real value whatsoever. 3 00:00:07,781 --> 00:00:10,541 A bit like when Liz Truss was Prime Minister 4 00:00:10,541 --> 00:00:12,341 or Jade joined the Sugababes. 5 00:00:12,341 --> 00:00:15,821 It ultimately provided absolutely nothing. 6 00:00:15,821 --> 00:00:18,621 ♪ We cum at the same time 7 00:00:18,621 --> 00:00:21,501 ♪ You make it feel like the first time 8 00:00:21,501 --> 00:00:22,981 ♪ Promise, never tell a lie... ♪ 9 00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,461 But for me, first year of uni 10 00:00:24,461 --> 00:00:26,661 was where I started to discover myself. 11 00:00:26,661 --> 00:00:30,021 I left my cushty home as a full-time closeted mummy's boy 12 00:00:30,021 --> 00:00:32,061 and entered the world of Brent Uni, 13 00:00:32,061 --> 00:00:35,541 which ranked at number 138 out of 139 14 00:00:35,541 --> 00:00:37,341 for student satisfaction. 15 00:00:37,341 --> 00:00:38,741 Oh, shit. 16 00:00:38,741 --> 00:00:40,621 I tried drugs, butt plugs. 17 00:00:40,621 --> 00:00:42,221 I even drank some poppers. 18 00:00:42,221 --> 00:00:43,261 I can taste metal. 19 00:00:43,261 --> 00:00:45,501 But mostly I made pals with this lot. 20 00:00:45,501 --> 00:00:48,341 Yemi, student fashion icon and gay best friend. 21 00:00:48,341 --> 00:00:50,261 He's like the agony aunt on This Morning 22 00:00:50,261 --> 00:00:52,781 if she were Nigerian and into piss play. 23 00:00:52,781 --> 00:00:54,821 Corinne, the scariest Scottish woman 24 00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:57,981 since the mum who called her kids "disgusting" 25 00:00:57,981 --> 00:00:59,541 for leaving a shit in the toilet. 26 00:00:59,541 --> 00:01:02,141 But she was a total babe. 27 00:01:02,141 --> 00:01:04,101 And finally, there was you. 28 00:01:04,101 --> 00:01:07,541 Somehow, despite the fact you bought yourself Linx Africa gift sets 29 00:01:07,541 --> 00:01:10,701 and didn't find Jeremy Clarkson's bullshit books unbearable... 30 00:01:13,101 --> 00:01:16,461 ...you still became one of the best mates that I'd ever had. 31 00:01:18,221 --> 00:01:20,701 And whilst I fucked up trying to figure out who I was... 32 00:01:22,781 --> 00:01:25,421 ...you were dealing with struggles of your own. 33 00:01:27,501 --> 00:01:29,341 So after failing first year, 34 00:01:29,341 --> 00:01:31,581 you came to live with me and Mum that summer, 35 00:01:31,581 --> 00:01:33,821 and for the first time since Dad died, 36 00:01:33,821 --> 00:01:36,821 I felt part of a proper family home. 37 00:01:36,821 --> 00:01:39,901 And you finally opened up about how you hadn't always felt 38 00:01:39,901 --> 00:01:41,741 part of one either. 39 00:01:42,741 --> 00:01:45,941 ALARM BEEPS RAISED MUFFLED VOICES 40 00:01:45,941 --> 00:01:48,181 What you done with it? What you done with it? 41 00:01:48,181 --> 00:01:50,101 SIGHS MUM, MUFFLED: ..I'm a monster. 42 00:01:50,101 --> 00:01:51,781 I just bought her a pint! 43 00:01:51,781 --> 00:01:53,781 I bought her a pint. Yeah, all right. 44 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,381 What you taking an attitude for? 45 00:01:55,381 --> 00:01:57,461 I bought her a pint because it's MY money, isn't it? 46 00:01:57,461 --> 00:01:59,661 I've got a job coming! Cos I told you, 47 00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,261 Troy's gonna pay me! 48 00:02:01,261 --> 00:02:04,221 THEY CONTINUE ARGUING 49 00:02:04,221 --> 00:02:05,661 ...sick of hearing you say that! 50 00:02:05,661 --> 00:02:07,181 You're talking rubbish! Where's my top? 51 00:02:07,181 --> 00:02:09,381 ♪ Don't want to lose you 52 00:02:09,381 --> 00:02:15,581 ♪ Don't want to lose you... ♪ You're driving me mad! 53 00:02:15,581 --> 00:02:17,621 You once told me about the time your parents rowed 54 00:02:17,621 --> 00:02:19,741 so bad they forgot to take you to school. 55 00:02:19,741 --> 00:02:22,941 How, on this occasion, they both didn't come back for days, 56 00:02:22,941 --> 00:02:25,661 each one believing the other one was home with you. 57 00:02:27,141 --> 00:02:30,421 BRAKES SCREECH So you were just stood at your door 58 00:02:30,421 --> 00:02:31,981 completely by yourself. 59 00:02:33,901 --> 00:02:37,581 ♪ Your body's awful 60 00:02:37,581 --> 00:02:40,141 ♪ The very shape... ♪ 61 00:02:40,141 --> 00:02:41,541 And that was the day... 62 00:02:41,541 --> 00:02:44,221 Hello? SIGHS 63 00:02:44,221 --> 00:02:46,501 ...you left and moved in with your nan. 64 00:02:50,741 --> 00:02:52,141 Hurry up, Danny. 65 00:02:59,101 --> 00:03:01,261 My dad had one wish for his 60th - 66 00:03:01,261 --> 00:03:04,421 that we all pilgrimage to the most beautiful spot in Watford. 67 00:03:04,421 --> 00:03:06,981 Somewhere he'd go after chemo that would provide solace 68 00:03:06,981 --> 00:03:09,221 and clarity of thought. So we went to the... 69 00:03:09,221 --> 00:03:12,381 ♪ Pub! Pub! We're going to the pub! 70 00:03:12,381 --> 00:03:16,341 ♪ Shannon's planning a party that You're all gonna love! 71 00:03:16,341 --> 00:03:18,141 Well, it's not a pub as such. 72 00:03:18,141 --> 00:03:20,621 It's more like a sports and social club. 73 00:03:20,621 --> 00:03:23,141 It's rough as dogs, more like. Shut up, posh spice. 74 00:03:23,141 --> 00:03:24,621 Thank you, Corinne. 75 00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:27,861 Jack's become a real snob since being the first to go uni. 76 00:03:27,861 --> 00:03:31,101 The other day he made me try choriz-EE-o. 77 00:03:31,101 --> 00:03:32,301 It's actually chori-THO. 78 00:03:32,301 --> 00:03:33,381 Nah, it's actually not. 79 00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:35,981 I was a holiday rep in Magaluf and they all just say chor-IZZO. 80 00:03:35,981 --> 00:03:37,861 Can you all just hurry up a bit, please? 81 00:03:37,861 --> 00:03:41,741 Because I've planned a very good finger buffet that is going stale. 82 00:03:41,741 --> 00:03:44,301 A finger buffet for a dead man's birthday. 83 00:03:44,301 --> 00:03:47,061 Ooh. Will there be chorizo? 84 00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:50,661 And crudites with sweet chilli sauce? GIGGLES 85 00:03:50,661 --> 00:03:53,541 I remember a time without sweet chilli sauce. 86 00:03:53,541 --> 00:03:56,021 Yes, and it was shit, wasn't it?! 87 00:03:56,021 --> 00:03:58,701 Britain before sweet chilli sauce was shit, actually. 88 00:03:58,701 --> 00:04:02,621 And now it's bearable, so come on! 89 00:04:03,781 --> 00:04:06,061 Here we are. Yours first, darling. 90 00:04:06,061 --> 00:04:07,101 Thank you. 91 00:04:07,101 --> 00:04:08,661 For you. Lovely, thank you. 92 00:04:09,981 --> 00:04:12,661 Here we are, ladies. Thanks, Nan. Here's yours. 93 00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:16,501 Oh, yeah. 94 00:04:17,701 --> 00:04:20,061 Your mum did tell me you're a gay boy now. 95 00:04:30,141 --> 00:04:32,821 MUFFLED LAUGHTER Grab your old man stool. 96 00:04:32,821 --> 00:04:35,701 So, as my cousin Shannon tried to pull the pub chef 97 00:04:35,701 --> 00:04:37,301 who fingered her in year 11, 98 00:04:37,301 --> 00:04:39,781 my nan gambled away her basic state pension 99 00:04:39,781 --> 00:04:42,901 and I sat surrounded by shit chat about Nick Clegg, 100 00:04:42,901 --> 00:04:46,221 a mobile DJ called Keith interrupted every song with an anecdote 101 00:04:46,221 --> 00:04:47,981 about footie or X Factor, or how... 102 00:04:47,981 --> 00:04:49,821 This party can't go on all night. 103 00:04:49,821 --> 00:04:51,421 Got to get back to my wife. 104 00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:53,141 Keith didn't have a wife. 105 00:04:53,141 --> 00:04:54,901 And as you'd just got back into uni, 106 00:04:54,901 --> 00:04:57,821 you were adamant to find us all a home that you'd always dreamed of. 107 00:04:57,821 --> 00:05:00,381 So, I'm thinking one of them big American fridges, yeah? 108 00:05:00,381 --> 00:05:03,301 A garden flat enough for a hot tub, like, a bathroom with a bidet. 109 00:05:03,301 --> 00:05:05,381 Ooh. A bidet is a gift to a bottom. 110 00:05:05,381 --> 00:05:07,541 Do you just make everything about gay sex? 111 00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,101 I wasn't. 112 00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:11,381 Danny, are you going to be able to find somewhere nice? 113 00:05:11,381 --> 00:05:13,581 Because, you know, second year of our degree actually counts. 114 00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:16,101 Yes, and I'm going to need some pretty private quarters, 115 00:05:16,101 --> 00:05:19,221 as I have quite a few gentlemen of the night who frequent. 116 00:05:19,221 --> 00:05:21,301 You don't need to be polite around me, darl. 117 00:05:21,301 --> 00:05:23,341 I know you love cock. LAUGHTER 118 00:05:23,341 --> 00:05:24,981 All right, listen, I'm going to find us 119 00:05:24,981 --> 00:05:27,261 a beautiful little family home, all right? Don't worry about it. 120 00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:29,061 And I love having lots of people around me, 121 00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:31,941 even if they are complete strangers from Grindr. 122 00:05:31,941 --> 00:05:33,261 Can I just say... Yeah? 123 00:05:33,261 --> 00:05:34,581 ...not to be racist, 124 00:05:34,581 --> 00:05:37,021 but I have never lived with two whole Caucasians before. 125 00:05:37,021 --> 00:05:38,421 Oh, babe, you'll be grand. 126 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:41,341 My mum's so white me and dad have our own cupboard in the kitchen 127 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,901 because her seasoning capabilities are fucking shocking. 128 00:05:46,541 --> 00:05:49,261 I used to spend a lot of time in here as a kid, 129 00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,661 mostly cos it was always too loud and laddy 130 00:05:51,661 --> 00:05:54,741 and cos I had really bad IBS. 131 00:05:55,741 --> 00:05:57,941 PERSON CLEARS THROAT 132 00:06:00,781 --> 00:06:02,581 Oh, my God. 133 00:06:03,581 --> 00:06:06,021 I haven't told Jack that we've been smoking weed all summer. 134 00:06:06,021 --> 00:06:07,701 Oh. Thank you. 135 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,981 Don't need an earful from my own son. 136 00:06:13,061 --> 00:06:16,301 You know, I might ask out Corinne. 137 00:06:16,301 --> 00:06:17,581 You should. 138 00:06:17,581 --> 00:06:20,261 Yeah. She's got a great arse. 139 00:06:20,261 --> 00:06:22,021 Mm, she does have a great arse. 140 00:06:22,021 --> 00:06:24,141 I mean, we both do. GIGGLES 141 00:06:24,141 --> 00:06:25,861 I just think we'd be really good together. 142 00:06:26,901 --> 00:06:28,421 Babe... 143 00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:30,821 ...sometimes you just got to go for it. 144 00:06:31,861 --> 00:06:34,461 Like, would you ever want to date again? 145 00:06:34,461 --> 00:06:36,181 Maybe. 146 00:06:36,181 --> 00:06:37,341 Don't tell Jack. 147 00:06:39,021 --> 00:06:40,901 Problem with blokes my age 148 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,821 is the good ones are taken 149 00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:46,101 and the rest are, like, perverts, 150 00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:48,581 alkies or can't get it up. 151 00:06:49,581 --> 00:06:52,221 To be fair, I think that's the same with blokes of all ages. 152 00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:56,661 And so I got down on my knees 153 00:06:56,661 --> 00:07:00,701 after finally coming out during the gayest summer in British history, 154 00:07:00,701 --> 00:07:04,101 with the first gay weddings, first drag winner of Eurovision 155 00:07:04,101 --> 00:07:06,461 and first album from Kylie in years 156 00:07:06,461 --> 00:07:07,741 and I... 157 00:07:07,741 --> 00:07:10,261 Oh, fuck! My eye! Ah! 158 00:07:10,261 --> 00:07:11,501 ♪ It's in your eye... ♪ 159 00:07:11,501 --> 00:07:14,341 ...got a mobile DJ's cock in the eye. 160 00:07:14,341 --> 00:07:15,941 Keith, you in here? 161 00:07:15,941 --> 00:07:18,261 ZIPPING Just coming, love. Your record player's jammed 162 00:07:18,261 --> 00:07:21,261 and all we can hear is, "It's Britney, bitch" over and over. 163 00:07:22,541 --> 00:07:24,301 Hey, you all right, Gabriel? What's going on? 164 00:07:24,301 --> 00:07:25,541 We need to go now. 165 00:07:25,541 --> 00:07:26,581 What? What's that? 166 00:07:26,581 --> 00:07:28,221 Hang on, has someone just started on you? 167 00:07:28,221 --> 00:07:30,141 No, no, no, I just need to go, OK? 168 00:07:30,141 --> 00:07:31,981 You got a dick in the eye, didn't you? 169 00:07:31,981 --> 00:07:33,701 The DJ's been Grindr messaging me all night, 170 00:07:33,701 --> 00:07:35,141 begging me to come to the loo. 171 00:07:35,141 --> 00:07:37,821 What are you doing trying to have sex at your dead dad's 60th? 172 00:07:37,821 --> 00:07:39,341 Respect. I wasn't. 173 00:07:39,341 --> 00:07:42,261 There was a hole in the wall. Hey, what's wrong with your eye? 174 00:07:42,261 --> 00:07:44,141 Nothing. Let me kiss it better. 175 00:07:44,141 --> 00:07:45,181 No! 176 00:07:50,181 --> 00:07:53,181 The problem you have, Jack, is you're going for the wrong guys. 177 00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:55,141 What? I wasn't going for Keith. 178 00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,421 I just, I finally come out to everyone, 179 00:07:57,421 --> 00:07:59,381 and yet my sexual life is still a disaster. 180 00:07:59,381 --> 00:08:01,781 It seems to me that you've come out to all of the 181 00:08:01,781 --> 00:08:03,101 important straight people in your life, 182 00:08:03,101 --> 00:08:05,301 but you've forgotten to inform one very crucial group. 183 00:08:05,301 --> 00:08:07,541 Who? The gays, Jack. 184 00:08:07,541 --> 00:08:09,781 You're not proactively doing anything about loving cock. 185 00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:12,421 Being gay isn't just loving cock. 186 00:08:12,421 --> 00:08:13,741 It's quite a prerequisite. 187 00:08:13,741 --> 00:08:17,461 Right, listen. This year, you need to get out there IRL, OK? 188 00:08:17,461 --> 00:08:19,861 Start chatting some lads up. I mean, look. 189 00:08:19,861 --> 00:08:21,781 Take a leaf out of your cousin's book. 190 00:08:26,861 --> 00:08:28,261 Snogging. 191 00:08:28,261 --> 00:08:30,141 For that month before second year, 192 00:08:30,141 --> 00:08:34,021 I read numerous gay self-help books about how not to be scared of anal. 193 00:08:34,021 --> 00:08:37,021 Meanwhile, you became increasingly anal when viewing 194 00:08:37,021 --> 00:08:39,181 any of the available student flats. 195 00:08:44,861 --> 00:08:48,261 ♪ It feels so good to be back 196 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:50,381 ♪ But our love is gone 197 00:08:50,381 --> 00:08:52,661 ♪ It's our favourite song 198 00:08:52,661 --> 00:08:53,781 ♪ Oh, no 199 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,341 ♪ I could have made a picture... ♪ 200 00:08:58,341 --> 00:09:00,861 Ooh. Are you and her still kinda... 201 00:09:00,861 --> 00:09:02,421 I don't know, maybe. 202 00:09:02,421 --> 00:09:04,141 I quite like her, you know? 203 00:09:04,141 --> 00:09:05,421 She's just so chill. 204 00:09:05,421 --> 00:09:07,381 Danny! It has been four weeks 205 00:09:07,381 --> 00:09:08,981 since you promised to find us a house 206 00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:10,341 and you've secured fuck all! 207 00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:13,981 Look, I'm just trying to find us an amazing place with a hot tub. 208 00:09:13,981 --> 00:09:15,741 EXHALES EXPLOSIVELY Right. 209 00:09:15,741 --> 00:09:18,741 I am back from Scotland for 24 hours only, 210 00:09:18,741 --> 00:09:22,701 in which time we have to find a house before I scoot off back home 211 00:09:22,701 --> 00:09:25,341 to vote in a referendum for our independence. 212 00:09:25,341 --> 00:09:27,381 So my people are never again lumped with yous lot. 213 00:09:27,381 --> 00:09:29,541 All right, Braveheart. Shoes on, lads. 214 00:09:29,541 --> 00:09:32,261 MUFFLED SCOLDING CONTINUES Aw. I'll miss Scotland if they go. 215 00:09:32,261 --> 00:09:34,901 Hm. I love shortbread. 216 00:09:34,901 --> 00:09:35,941 And... 217 00:09:36,941 --> 00:09:38,621 ...Lorraine. 218 00:09:38,621 --> 00:09:40,461 Thank you. Thank you. 219 00:09:40,461 --> 00:09:43,021 Please be quicker. OK... Please be quicker. 220 00:09:43,021 --> 00:09:45,981 Mm! What a woman! 221 00:09:45,981 --> 00:09:48,341 Christ, Jan! Slow down. 222 00:09:48,341 --> 00:09:50,021 You've nearly done me out a loaf. 223 00:09:50,021 --> 00:09:53,381 I know. I am just so hungry at the moment. 224 00:09:53,381 --> 00:09:56,021 Honestly, you know what they say. If you can smell toast... 225 00:09:56,021 --> 00:09:58,021 You might be having a stroke? 226 00:09:58,021 --> 00:10:01,101 A stroke of luck, that is, because somebody's made toast. 227 00:10:04,421 --> 00:10:06,261 Oh, for the love of God. 228 00:10:06,261 --> 00:10:08,461 CORINNE SIGHS 229 00:10:08,461 --> 00:10:11,221 Take a number. It is first come, first serve 230 00:10:11,221 --> 00:10:13,861 and you may be stood here a little while. 231 00:10:15,101 --> 00:10:18,501 Uh, please do not get Just Eat delivered to this location! 232 00:10:18,501 --> 00:10:21,261 There is no recycling or waste facilities! 233 00:10:21,261 --> 00:10:23,501 God, this is like my X Factor audition. 234 00:10:23,501 --> 00:10:25,101 You auditioned for X factor? 235 00:10:25,101 --> 00:10:26,461 No, no, no, no, no. What? 236 00:10:26,461 --> 00:10:28,701 Yes. Me and my college friends were in a band called 237 00:10:28,701 --> 00:10:30,701 The Slag Pipes. 238 00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:33,021 Well, I auditioned for the S Club Juniors, but they said 239 00:10:33,021 --> 00:10:35,741 the other kids would have never been able to keep up with me. 240 00:10:35,741 --> 00:10:37,261 You once told me you did that. 241 00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:40,061 I just stood and cried when the backing track began. 242 00:10:40,061 --> 00:10:41,581 Dad had to drive me home. 243 00:10:41,581 --> 00:10:43,621 I just really wanted to meet Bradley, you know? Yeah. 244 00:10:43,621 --> 00:10:46,181 ...a lot of properties don't actually have that. If you'd like to go through. 245 00:10:46,181 --> 00:10:48,621 We're never going to get this. Oh, come on, it'll be fine. 246 00:10:48,621 --> 00:10:50,821 This is the first day of the rest of your life. 247 00:10:50,821 --> 00:10:53,261 This is the first day of the rest of your life. 248 00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:55,861 Has it been like this the whole time? 249 00:10:55,861 --> 00:10:56,901 I mean, I don't know. 250 00:10:56,901 --> 00:10:58,981 I've been looking at much nicer houses than this. 251 00:10:58,981 --> 00:11:01,061 Oh, God. What if it's like this for every viewing? 252 00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:03,181 It is. This is one of the most competitive 253 00:11:03,181 --> 00:11:05,701 student property markets in London, if not the world. 254 00:11:05,701 --> 00:11:08,301 Up your game, girls. Play dirty. 255 00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:10,141 I'm sorry. Who is this? 256 00:11:10,141 --> 00:11:14,101 Well, let's just say every year I see friendship groups torn apart 257 00:11:14,101 --> 00:11:15,701 by this process. 258 00:11:15,701 --> 00:11:18,381 In the quest to make a home in this realm. 259 00:11:18,381 --> 00:11:20,541 This other Eden. 260 00:11:20,541 --> 00:11:24,781 This over-expensive demi-Paradise known as Brent. 261 00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:28,821 Right. If we have to play dirty, we're going to get fucking filthy, 262 00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:30,381 boys, this is war. 263 00:11:30,381 --> 00:11:32,221 You actually frighten me, Corinne. 264 00:11:32,221 --> 00:11:34,581 I've had a semi since "Slag Pipes". 265 00:11:34,581 --> 00:11:36,581 Can I see some photos, actually? No. 266 00:11:43,581 --> 00:11:44,901 Oh, hell, no. Oh, shit. 267 00:11:44,901 --> 00:11:47,181 Shit. Shit. Shit. 268 00:11:47,181 --> 00:11:48,981 Right, lads, new plan. 269 00:11:48,981 --> 00:11:52,621 OK? We have to start being the very first four people outside a house. 270 00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:57,021 What if we're the first four people INSIDE the house? 271 00:11:59,421 --> 00:12:01,181 Mate, you don't have to do this. 272 00:12:01,181 --> 00:12:03,221 Shut up, Jack! We need this place. 273 00:12:03,221 --> 00:12:05,421 Worst he'll do is just shatter his collarbone. 274 00:12:05,421 --> 00:12:06,461 What?! 275 00:12:06,461 --> 00:12:07,701 It's fine. You're doing great. 276 00:12:07,701 --> 00:12:10,101 Nicely done, Dan, pal. 277 00:12:10,101 --> 00:12:12,141 Hi. Very nice. 278 00:12:12,141 --> 00:12:14,741 Shit. That's, that's the estate agent's early. 279 00:12:14,741 --> 00:12:16,661 Jack, go and distract him. What, how? 280 00:12:16,661 --> 00:12:19,621 Go and chat him up or something, all right? Get some practice in. 281 00:12:19,621 --> 00:12:22,061 THUDDING CLATTERING We good? 282 00:12:23,381 --> 00:12:24,901 This place is amazing. 283 00:12:24,901 --> 00:12:26,141 Come over! 284 00:12:26,141 --> 00:12:27,621 Just let us in, Danny. 285 00:12:30,261 --> 00:12:31,261 Sharon, darl... 286 00:12:31,261 --> 00:12:33,301 Yeah? I couldn't help but notice 287 00:12:33,301 --> 00:12:35,381 there's sick in the toilet pan. 288 00:12:35,381 --> 00:12:36,901 Yeah, I know. 289 00:12:36,901 --> 00:12:39,461 I was so, so sick when I first got here. 290 00:12:39,461 --> 00:12:41,141 Well, you could have flushed it away. 291 00:12:41,141 --> 00:12:43,941 Well, no, because I keep being sick. 292 00:12:43,941 --> 00:12:47,861 So I've uploaded a picture of the sick to a Facebook group, 293 00:12:47,861 --> 00:12:49,781 right, where this woman called Anoushka Delafonte 294 00:12:49,781 --> 00:12:50,981 analyses your sick, 295 00:12:50,981 --> 00:12:52,541 tells you what's wrong with you, like, 296 00:12:52,541 --> 00:12:54,541 whether it's an allergy or something sinister. 297 00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:57,861 OK. But still, you could have flushed the sick. 298 00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:02,501 Oh, my God! What if Anoushka Delafonte needs more sick pics? 299 00:13:02,501 --> 00:13:03,941 What if she needs a different angle? 300 00:13:03,941 --> 00:13:05,341 What if she needs a sample? 301 00:13:05,341 --> 00:13:06,901 OK, well, I've flushed it, so... 302 00:13:06,901 --> 00:13:08,941 Well... SHARON SCOFFS 303 00:13:08,941 --> 00:13:10,341 ...let's just hope Anoushka doesn't need it 304 00:13:10,341 --> 00:13:12,061 for further inquiry, shall we? 305 00:13:15,101 --> 00:13:16,501 Hello, you. 306 00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:17,741 Hi. 307 00:13:17,741 --> 00:13:19,941 Are you looking for the property? 308 00:13:19,941 --> 00:13:22,861 I'm looking for lots of things, really. 309 00:13:22,861 --> 00:13:25,101 Mates, dates... 310 00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:27,461 ...village fetes. 311 00:13:28,501 --> 00:13:30,061 If you catch my drift. 312 00:13:31,381 --> 00:13:33,701 Well, there's one outside Hemel Hempstead I go to. 313 00:13:33,701 --> 00:13:35,621 And do you come here often? 314 00:13:35,621 --> 00:13:40,781 Erm, well, if a tenant has an issue, I will endeavour to fix it. So... 315 00:13:40,781 --> 00:13:42,421 Cool. 316 00:13:42,421 --> 00:13:43,661 Er, no. No, no, no. 317 00:13:43,661 --> 00:13:46,261 Now, look, I know what you're trying to do. 318 00:13:46,261 --> 00:13:47,981 And you're not going to skip the queue. 319 00:13:47,981 --> 00:13:51,941 And I'm married - to my wife. 320 00:13:51,941 --> 00:13:54,221 I'm just musical theatre trained and used to have a lisp. 321 00:13:59,101 --> 00:14:00,461 I want en suites. 322 00:14:00,461 --> 00:14:02,421 Yeah, go on, fill your boots. 323 00:14:04,741 --> 00:14:06,341 OK, yeah, this is sick. Right? 324 00:14:06,341 --> 00:14:07,541 Yeah, this is sick. 325 00:14:07,541 --> 00:14:09,901 We could make this such a nice little family home. 326 00:14:09,901 --> 00:14:12,661 I'll be out in the garden just, like, chopping wood, topless. 327 00:14:12,661 --> 00:14:13,781 Probably. 328 00:14:13,781 --> 00:14:17,061 You'll be in the kitchen, topless, I imagine. Shut up. 329 00:14:17,061 --> 00:14:19,581 Think of us all having, like, family meals around here 330 00:14:19,581 --> 00:14:21,221 on our shit Ikea plates. 331 00:14:21,221 --> 00:14:23,461 Me and you and our two little gay sons. 332 00:14:23,461 --> 00:14:25,541 CORINNE CHUCKLES Oh, sweet. 333 00:14:25,541 --> 00:14:27,821 Maybe even get some art. Yeah, OK. 334 00:14:27,821 --> 00:14:29,381 Do you know what art is, Danny? 335 00:14:29,381 --> 00:14:31,701 Uh, yes. 336 00:14:31,701 --> 00:14:32,901 I know what art is. 337 00:14:32,901 --> 00:14:35,061 Look at this place. Yeah. 338 00:14:35,061 --> 00:14:38,621 And just think, like, you know, 339 00:14:38,621 --> 00:14:41,501 some nights put the kids to bed... 340 00:14:42,541 --> 00:14:45,181 ...and we can have a little romantic meal for two. 341 00:14:45,181 --> 00:14:47,661 CORINNE LAUGHS What? 342 00:14:47,661 --> 00:14:48,981 I'm being serious. 343 00:14:50,501 --> 00:14:51,501 Like... 344 00:14:52,661 --> 00:14:56,941 ...why not give this a proper go? 345 00:14:58,701 --> 00:14:59,701 Danny... 346 00:15:01,261 --> 00:15:02,381 Corinne. 347 00:15:04,541 --> 00:15:05,621 Um... 348 00:15:06,621 --> 00:15:08,781 Jesus. You know that I love you. 349 00:15:08,781 --> 00:15:11,861 Um, but back in Edinburgh, 350 00:15:11,861 --> 00:15:14,661 I've sort of started seeing somebody. 351 00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,901 Oh, God. Oh. 352 00:15:17,901 --> 00:15:19,061 OK, that makes sense. 353 00:15:19,061 --> 00:15:21,701 I didn't, I didn't want to say anything whilst you were getting 354 00:15:21,701 --> 00:15:23,901 back on your feet and I know that we have history, 355 00:15:23,901 --> 00:15:25,261 but I didn't... It's fine. Listen. 356 00:15:25,261 --> 00:15:28,141 It's good. History is history, so... 357 00:15:28,141 --> 00:15:30,221 CORINNE SHRIEKS 358 00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:36,941 ESTATE AGENT SCREAMS 359 00:15:36,941 --> 00:15:39,021 SHARON GASPS 360 00:15:40,661 --> 00:15:42,181 Oh, Shan. What's wrong? 361 00:15:42,181 --> 00:15:44,381 What's Anoushka Delafonte saying? 362 00:15:46,541 --> 00:15:48,581 TOILET FLUSHES Peggy, if I'm pregnant, 363 00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:51,301 who's going to do my kid's party bookings? 364 00:15:51,301 --> 00:15:54,821 You know, I was going to launch my own company next year with Nan! 365 00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:56,981 Shan and Nanigan's Party Planners! 366 00:15:56,981 --> 00:15:58,661 But don't worry about that yet. 367 00:15:58,661 --> 00:16:00,181 We've still got options. 368 00:16:00,181 --> 00:16:03,101 But I wanted to travel round South America. 369 00:16:03,101 --> 00:16:05,621 I was hoping to run the London Marathon. 370 00:16:05,621 --> 00:16:07,781 You know, what if I can't do that now? 371 00:16:07,781 --> 00:16:09,381 Well, that might be a blessing. 372 00:16:09,381 --> 00:16:10,541 Oh, shit. 373 00:16:10,541 --> 00:16:12,661 Oh. What? I've applied to go on Tipping Point. 374 00:16:12,661 --> 00:16:14,861 SHARON CRIES OUT 375 00:16:14,861 --> 00:16:15,901 Firstly... 376 00:16:16,941 --> 00:16:18,181 ...trespass! 377 00:16:18,181 --> 00:16:21,581 Secondly, the decimation of cherished antique teapots! 378 00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:24,621 And thirdly, I'm taking all of you off of our viewings list. 379 00:16:24,621 --> 00:16:26,621 Good luck trying to find somewhere to live now. 380 00:16:26,621 --> 00:16:28,541 What? Fuck's sake! 381 00:16:28,541 --> 00:16:30,341 I knew this plan was doomed from the start. 382 00:16:30,341 --> 00:16:31,821 Listen, we'll just take it now, OK? 383 00:16:31,821 --> 00:16:33,901 All right, I'll go in there, I'll clean up, OK? 384 00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:36,141 I'll pay for all the damages. You cannot live here anyway. 385 00:16:36,141 --> 00:16:39,501 This is an LGBTQ+ only house share. 386 00:16:39,501 --> 00:16:41,381 Yeah, I know, but... You knew?! 387 00:16:41,381 --> 00:16:44,021 Yes. Yeah, all right. I was going to tell him I was asexual, 388 00:16:44,021 --> 00:16:45,861 but he can obviously tell I love the puss... 389 00:16:45,861 --> 00:16:46,941 Danny, shut up! 390 00:16:46,941 --> 00:16:48,701 Corinne, you're not LGBT. 391 00:16:48,701 --> 00:16:50,301 Come off it, Jack. I'm obviously bi. 392 00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:51,821 I knew I should have gone solo. 393 00:16:51,821 --> 00:16:54,381 No. You and me were going to find a two-bed at one point. 394 00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:56,661 Oh, what? You both were going to move somewhere without us?! 395 00:16:56,661 --> 00:17:00,061 Jack, you live so close to uni, I can smell your mum's Asda potpourri from here. 396 00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:01,901 YOU leave my mum's potpourri out of this! 397 00:17:01,901 --> 00:17:03,021 Guys... Face it. 398 00:17:03,021 --> 00:17:06,741 We have five days until term starts and we have nowhere to fucking live! 399 00:17:06,741 --> 00:17:08,221 Just live here, then! 400 00:17:08,221 --> 00:17:10,301 All right? You lot just live here. 401 00:17:10,301 --> 00:17:11,981 Just fucking live here. 402 00:17:11,981 --> 00:17:15,581 MELANCHOLY PIANO CHORDS PLAY 403 00:17:18,061 --> 00:17:19,101 Fuck. 404 00:17:22,021 --> 00:17:23,901 Shan! 405 00:17:23,901 --> 00:17:26,181 You've been in there 45 minutes. 406 00:17:26,181 --> 00:17:27,501 Talk to me. 407 00:17:28,741 --> 00:17:29,861 Shan? 408 00:17:32,381 --> 00:17:34,661 Pegs... Oh. 409 00:17:35,981 --> 00:17:38,821 I'm going to have a baby! PEGGY GASPS 410 00:17:38,821 --> 00:17:40,261 Oh, darl! Oh... 411 00:17:40,261 --> 00:17:44,221 ♪ I wanna hold you in my... ♪ THEY CRY LAUGH 412 00:17:47,141 --> 00:17:49,861 Aw! But d'you actually want a baby, though? 413 00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,981 Because you wanted to go travelling. 414 00:17:51,981 --> 00:17:53,701 Yeah, and I will. 415 00:17:53,701 --> 00:17:57,301 But I'll just go around Costa del Sol with my son instead. 416 00:17:57,301 --> 00:18:00,141 PEGGY GASPS SHARON LAUGHS Oh, yes! 417 00:18:00,141 --> 00:18:01,181 Aw! 418 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,381 Oh. Anyways, it could be a daughter. 419 00:18:03,381 --> 00:18:04,981 No, it's defs a boy. 420 00:18:04,981 --> 00:18:07,381 Because I've done nine tests and every single one 421 00:18:07,381 --> 00:18:08,941 has come up with a blue cross. 422 00:18:08,941 --> 00:18:10,341 Right. 423 00:18:10,341 --> 00:18:12,261 Can I ask about the father? 424 00:18:12,261 --> 00:18:15,061 Yeah. Can you not, actually? Just because 425 00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:17,261 I'd rather think about that another time. 426 00:18:17,261 --> 00:18:18,741 OK. Yeah. 427 00:18:18,741 --> 00:18:20,781 How are you going to tell Nan? 428 00:18:22,181 --> 00:18:23,861 How are YOU going to tell Nan? 429 00:18:25,061 --> 00:18:26,821 Cos I obviously can't. 430 00:18:26,821 --> 00:18:28,541 Not in my condition. 431 00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:29,741 Oh. 432 00:18:31,781 --> 00:18:34,181 Danny's still not answering. 433 00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:35,901 I was being such a dick. 434 00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:36,981 Don't worry. 435 00:18:36,981 --> 00:18:39,861 He just really wanted us to find a nice place together. 436 00:18:39,861 --> 00:18:42,181 Yeah. OK, let's just get on the emergency housing list 437 00:18:42,181 --> 00:18:43,501 and see what they have. 438 00:18:43,501 --> 00:18:45,661 Ah, well, if it's emergency housing you're after, 439 00:18:45,661 --> 00:18:47,181 I'm afraid there IS an emergency 440 00:18:47,181 --> 00:18:49,461 in that I've run out of emergency and very much waiting 441 00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,301 for more emergency to emerge. 442 00:18:51,301 --> 00:18:55,141 So in the meantime, I suggest you find hostels 443 00:18:55,141 --> 00:18:57,141 or boyfriends or... 444 00:18:57,141 --> 00:19:01,061 OK, Jules, this is the second time you've let me down. 445 00:19:01,061 --> 00:19:02,981 Hm. And that's fine, 446 00:19:02,981 --> 00:19:05,781 but Danny needs somewhere stable. 447 00:19:06,821 --> 00:19:09,021 So what I'm going to propose to you 448 00:19:09,021 --> 00:19:10,821 is that you let us back into... 449 00:19:10,821 --> 00:19:11,901 The blue shed? 450 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:12,981 For all four of us. 451 00:19:12,981 --> 00:19:14,861 We're lodgers, but we're paying full rent. 452 00:19:14,861 --> 00:19:16,101 Yay! Get in! 453 00:19:16,101 --> 00:19:17,221 Come here! 454 00:19:17,221 --> 00:19:19,501 THEY CHUCKLE Oh, my God, are you serious? 455 00:19:19,501 --> 00:19:20,741 Yes. Oh. 456 00:19:20,741 --> 00:19:22,221 Aw! I'm so sorry. 457 00:19:22,221 --> 00:19:24,261 I've been such a twat. I've literally been sat here 458 00:19:24,261 --> 00:19:25,741 looking for two-beds for you and Yemi. 459 00:19:25,741 --> 00:19:27,781 There's no need, pal. We'll get enough shite Ikea plates 460 00:19:27,781 --> 00:19:28,821 for the four of us. 461 00:19:28,821 --> 00:19:30,301 OK. Yeah? I'm getting my room back. 462 00:19:30,301 --> 00:19:31,541 Yeah, you are. 463 00:19:31,541 --> 00:19:33,821 Yeah? Let's just keep the baby thing - 464 00:19:33,821 --> 00:19:35,861 all the detail - from Jack's gang, please. 465 00:19:35,861 --> 00:19:38,021 I really want to make a big impact on Facebook 466 00:19:38,021 --> 00:19:41,301 when I upload a scan pic, get the likes in, you know. 467 00:19:42,461 --> 00:19:44,421 Sshh! Want some bubbles, gals? 468 00:19:44,421 --> 00:19:45,861 Oh, not for me, thanks. 469 00:19:45,861 --> 00:19:47,221 Come on, we're celebrating. 470 00:19:47,221 --> 00:19:49,821 Yeah, but I can't cos of the baby. 471 00:19:49,821 --> 00:19:51,821 Oh, no. 472 00:19:51,821 --> 00:19:56,461 Jack, can you just pop into the kitchen, please, a minute? 473 00:19:56,461 --> 00:19:59,501 Me and Shan have got something we need to tell you. 474 00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:00,541 OK. 475 00:20:00,541 --> 00:20:02,581 INDISTINCT CHATTER 476 00:20:04,301 --> 00:20:07,061 Right. Well, we heard some news tonight. 477 00:20:08,061 --> 00:20:11,861 And we wouldn't want you to find out from anyone else. 478 00:20:13,181 --> 00:20:14,301 What? What is it? 479 00:20:15,941 --> 00:20:16,981 Well, it's, 480 00:20:16,981 --> 00:20:20,221 it's just been confirmed that... 481 00:20:22,701 --> 00:20:25,541 That Alison Hammond is doing Strictly Come Dancing. 482 00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:27,301 No! Deep breaths. 483 00:20:27,301 --> 00:20:29,181 Deep breaths, deep breaths. Oh, my God! 484 00:20:29,181 --> 00:20:31,701 I'll need to be home every Saturday night to watch it. 485 00:20:31,701 --> 00:20:33,541 No. I told you this was going to happen. 486 00:20:33,541 --> 00:20:36,101 No, no, no, Jack, you need to be more outgoing. 487 00:20:36,101 --> 00:20:39,741 Come home on Sundays hungover and we'll watch together. 488 00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:41,981 Yeah, great idea, Mum. 489 00:20:43,021 --> 00:20:45,221 If I watch it Sundays, 490 00:20:45,221 --> 00:20:47,941 I won't be able to vote in time. 491 00:20:47,941 --> 00:20:49,541 Will I?! 492 00:20:51,861 --> 00:20:53,421 He's nasty to you. 493 00:20:59,981 --> 00:21:01,701 Here you are. Aw, your key? 494 00:21:01,701 --> 00:21:03,941 Thanks for letting me stay this summer. 495 00:21:05,621 --> 00:21:08,221 Yeah. I really do, like... 496 00:21:08,221 --> 00:21:09,701 Any time. 497 00:21:12,501 --> 00:21:14,021 Night-night, Danny. 498 00:21:14,021 --> 00:21:15,221 Night-night, Pegs. 499 00:21:19,341 --> 00:21:25,581 ♪ Like I did... ♪ 500 00:21:25,581 --> 00:21:26,621 Night-night, Laurie. 501 00:21:31,421 --> 00:21:32,821 God, this is weird. 502 00:21:32,821 --> 00:21:35,061 It smells exactly the same, doesn't it? 503 00:21:35,061 --> 00:21:36,661 I know, like dust and jizz. 504 00:21:36,661 --> 00:21:37,821 Dusty jizz. 505 00:21:38,981 --> 00:21:41,781 And so we started our second year at Brent Uni 506 00:21:41,781 --> 00:21:43,981 knowing we had to make it count. 507 00:21:43,981 --> 00:21:45,821 ♪ Let's run away... ♪ 508 00:21:45,821 --> 00:21:46,941 She's nearly here. 509 00:21:48,101 --> 00:21:49,861 Come, come, come, come, come, quick. 510 00:21:51,021 --> 00:21:52,341 ♪ The stars... 511 00:21:52,341 --> 00:21:53,461 Hello?! 512 00:21:54,621 --> 00:21:56,141 Walk. Walk, walk. 513 00:21:56,141 --> 00:21:58,581 ♪ The stars will guide us 514 00:21:58,581 --> 00:22:00,181 ♪ Let's run away... ♪ 515 00:22:00,181 --> 00:22:02,861 Hey! 516 00:22:02,861 --> 00:22:06,141 Freedom! CORINNE LAUGHS 517 00:22:06,141 --> 00:22:08,381 Yeah. We're sorry Scotland didn't go. 518 00:22:08,381 --> 00:22:11,181 But we just wanted to say, whether you ever leave us or not, 519 00:22:11,181 --> 00:22:12,221 we'll never leave you. 520 00:22:12,221 --> 00:22:13,981 You daft pricks. Come here. 521 00:22:13,981 --> 00:22:16,101 Come here. 522 00:22:16,101 --> 00:22:18,621 THEY CHUCKLE Mm! 523 00:22:18,621 --> 00:22:20,181 Aw, very sweet. 524 00:22:20,181 --> 00:22:21,261 Thank you. 525 00:22:21,261 --> 00:22:23,741 Is your new Scottish boyfriend going to be wearing a kilt 526 00:22:23,741 --> 00:22:25,061 every time he comes over? 527 00:22:25,061 --> 00:22:26,461 Spencer's English, sadly. 528 00:22:26,461 --> 00:22:28,541 What? Yes. Just graduated from Edinburgh Uni 529 00:22:28,541 --> 00:22:30,021 and he lives in Highgate. 530 00:22:30,021 --> 00:22:31,221 What does he do? 531 00:22:31,221 --> 00:22:32,661 Is he a twat? 532 00:22:32,661 --> 00:22:34,341 You will take the piss. I won't. 533 00:22:34,341 --> 00:22:36,501 Yes, you will. I won't. 534 00:22:36,501 --> 00:22:38,381 He's a spoken word artist. 535 00:22:41,221 --> 00:22:42,821 I actually think that's really brave. 536 00:22:42,821 --> 00:22:44,701 No, go on, then. Spoken word. 537 00:22:44,701 --> 00:22:45,741 Yeah. Get into it. 538 00:22:45,741 --> 00:22:47,621 Lives unheard 539 00:22:47,621 --> 00:22:48,981 Tales of... 540 00:22:48,981 --> 00:22:50,981 Turds. Oh, fuck off! 541 00:22:50,981 --> 00:22:54,021 And he is coming to stay next week, so can we please just... 542 00:22:54,021 --> 00:22:56,021 Look, I'm happy for you. I am. 543 00:22:59,381 --> 00:23:00,541 Hello, you. 544 00:23:00,541 --> 00:23:02,461 Welcome home. 545 00:23:02,461 --> 00:23:03,861 You OK, mate? 546 00:23:03,861 --> 00:23:05,101 Yeah. 547 00:23:05,101 --> 00:23:06,181 You know. 548 00:23:06,181 --> 00:23:07,861 Onwards and upwards. 549 00:23:07,861 --> 00:23:09,301 I mean, look, now my dick works, 550 00:23:09,301 --> 00:23:11,501 I'm going to be doing a lot more shagging in here, 551 00:23:11,501 --> 00:23:14,061 so you might want to invest in some earplugs. 552 00:23:15,901 --> 00:23:17,021 Same. 553 00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:18,781 I am here, you know. 554 00:23:18,781 --> 00:23:20,221 Sorry, Shannon. Yeah. 555 00:23:20,221 --> 00:23:21,621 Look, thanks for helping us out. 556 00:23:21,621 --> 00:23:24,101 Nah, who am I to talk? I'm the one that's bloody pregnant. 557 00:23:25,181 --> 00:23:26,261 Fuck's sake! 558 00:23:26,261 --> 00:23:27,741 I keep doing that. 559 00:23:51,621 --> 00:23:54,821 Subtitles by Red Bee Media 41391

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