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♪ Anything is possible ♪

This is what we're waiting for.

He performed
at the Apollo in Harlem.

He performed with four
SNL cast members. -

And five WWE Hall of Famers.

Put your hands together
for my boy Tim Loulies.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you,
Virginia Beach. Thank you so much.

Man, there's such a great
mixed crowd in here tonight,

I'm like, man, we can't call
this dude a cracker.

This fat son of a bitch
is a stuffed crust.

Ain't nothing thin and crispy
about me, damn it.

I'll go ahead and address this
right now before one of y'all say something.

I know this shirt
is tight as hell.

When you reach this level obesity,

you can live that
wrinkle-free lifestyle. I ain't gotta iron shit.

A lot of y'all ain't never
seen me before.

You're like, "Who the hell
is this diabetic-looking Billy Mays?"

But wait, there's more.

Fat jokes, because I'm retiring
these sons of bitches soon.

I've been going
through some things medically lately.

My doctor just sent me
to go get an MRI knowing damned well

I suffer from extreme
claustrophobia.

And I was like,
"Doc, you know I don't do good in tight spaces, man."

He said, "I'll give you
a few Xanax."

I was like, "All right,
I'll give it a shot then." -

If you've ever been
in an MRI machine before,

you know they make
a very distinct noise. They do that woop, woop, woop.

I got inside that tube,
I started sweating, rocking back and forth.

That machine said
"nope, nope, nope."

Shot me out like
a cannonball,

said, "Get your fat ass
out of this doctor's office."

In the past 10 months,
I've lost 132 pounds.

I mean, I got the surgery.
I feel like I kind of cheated a little bit.

You know what I'm saying?

And also because it's turned me
into a really pretentious asshole now.

'Cause I'm criticizing
other people about their diet choices.

You know what I'm saying?
What they like to eat.

I go over to my little niece's
and nephew's house,

can't let them have a good time
at a birthday party.

I'm like, ugh, chocolate cake,
vanilla ice cream.

Ugh, you're gonna turn into
a type two diabetic. Ugh.

They're like,
"Don't stand up so fast, Uncle Tim. You're still fat."

When I work out, I go to gym
called Planet Fitness.

I know y'all know
about this bullshit. -

At Planet Fitness,
they call themselves the Judgment-Free Zone,

and they give out Tootsie Rolls
at the front counter.

And if there's some members
in here tonight to be my witness,

on Monday nights,
they give their members... - CROWD: Pizza.

Pizza.

It's pizza night
at Planet Fitness on Mondays, y'all.

You can go into this gym
and see people sitting down eating pizza.

I'm, like, I just left
my house to get away from this bullshit, man.

What's next? 40-oz Fridays?

People getting up
on the treadmill gnawing on crust,

spilling ranch dressing
on the elliptical machines.

Dude's bench pressing,
breathing all heavy,

smelling like Papa John's
garlic sauce.

I just never felt more justified
to say with all the convictions of the bottom of my heart,

like, ugh, you fat,
sloppy bastards.

Get your life together.
This is disgusting. -

It's hard for me to get
motivated to get out of my house and get to the gym.

But when
I'm in that parking lot, I'm trying to psych myself out

and do everything I can
to not go into this place.

But, you know, like,
it's my intention to do 2.5 miles on the treadmill.

But if I don't get that
front parking spot...

Fuck this. This work out
can wait till Monday.

When I get in the gym,
I get stretched out.

I get on a machine,
I start going hard,

and right in the middle
of my set someone's always coming to stop me, like,

"Sir. Sir."

I take out my earphones.
"Yes, ma'am. Can I help you?"

"Look, I just want to tell you.
Keep going. Don't ever give up."

I said, "Bitch..."

"Didn't I just see you stuffing
a meat lovers down your throat a few minutes ago?

"Quit talking to me."

But it feels great
when you lose weight.

when you run into folks
you haven't seen in a while,

and they give you compliments
on the way that you look.

Now, I come from a place
called Portsmouth, Virginia.

You all followed me here.

Now, see, Portsmouth,
we've been rated our state's

most dangerous city
six years in a row.

When I got out of high school,
I didn't make a wise career decision.

I didn't go into the military.
I didn't go to college.

I hung out with all the thugs
and the hoodlums.

You couldn't
tell me shit back then.

But you know
what's really disheartening,

I see some of my same friends
now in our late 30s early 40s

still doing the same stupid shit
we used to do when we were 17.

These knuckleheads
that don't grow up.

I know y'all
know folks like this. - CROWD: Yup.

And if you ask 'em if
they're staying out of trouble,

this is what
they tell you nowadays.

"Oh, I ain't about
that life no more."

I went to a friend's house
I ain't seen in, like, 10 or 12 years.

He's like, "Damn, Tim,
you're looking good." I said, "I appreciate that, man."

I was like, "How you been?
You been staying out of trouble?

He's like, "I ain't about
that life no more, man.

"I ain't about
that life no more."

The whole time he was smoking
a blunt on his front porch, cleaning a stolen pistol,

with imitation tags
on his license plate like they're cut out of a box.

I wrote a 24 on that shit.

I said,
"What's wrong with you, man? You're asking to get..."

See... See, I don't...
I don't give the police a reason to pull me over.

I always make sure my tags
and stickers are always legit.

Once, you know, I got stopped,
ironically, while driving to the gym...

You know, I got a citation
for eating while driving.

This is a law in 41 states,
and it's got to stop, too, because in my case,

that's profiling, damn it.

This cop walks up to my window
and he says, "Young man, do you know what I stopped you for?

"I don't know, Officer,
but I know I wasn't speeding."

And he said,
"I saw you eating a candy bar."

I said, " Officer, this is
a Muscle Milk protein bar."

I ain't about
that life no more, man.

I can't be like that anymore.
My health really caught up to me.

I'll give you a personal trouble
for a second.

About six, seven years ago,
I got diagnosed with kidney cancer.

I went under the knife.
I had some of the best doctors in Virginia.

They got the entire tumor out.
I just went for a checkup.

They think it's gonna be
a zero chance of recurrence.

I've never had a long-term stay
in the hospital before,

and I witnessed
quite a few discomforts.

And one particular discomfort
really stood out from the rest.

Fellas, if there was ever a time
to actually appreciate not being so well-endowed,

it's when you have to have three
separate catheters inserted over a period of five days.

If you don't know
what catheter is, let me explain this to you real quick.

This is a tube with the diameter
of a number two pencil,

the only pencil certified
for the SATs.

Well, they fully
inserted it into my, erm... My love muscle. My...

I mean, you know,
I'm trying to be artistic. I could have just said my dick.

Now, I carry an average
Snickers bar.

It's not the fun size,
but I ain't packing a king either.

I just appreciate it was
a relatively short trip in,

if you know what
I'm talking about. -

They had me doped up
on this painkiller called Dilaudid.

That shit make
morphine feel like a Tylenol.

I was hearing crazy shit.
I was saying crazy shit.

I had some really cute nurses
I was flirting with.

I'm a big movie fan.
I like to speak in movie references.

And my favorite movie ever
was Coming To America with Eddie Murphy.

Them girls were down there
working underneath my gown,

I was hoping one
would pop up and be like,

"Your royal penis is clean,
Your Highness." -

I'll give it to you right here
in the hospital, girls. Shit.

I was trying to fuck
the nurses in the hospital, too.

I couldn't take them home
with me. My living situation's little complicated.

I hate living with people,
but sometimes financial circumstances,

you gotta do what you gotta do.

The problem is nowadays
in this era of, like, Facebook and Twitter.

when things go wrong
in the household,

they'll shoot these little
indirect shots at you online.

They're gonna
be talking about you.

You think a grown man
could take out the garbage at least once a week.

Somebody need to do
these damn dishes in this house.

My parents are savages
on their social media, ya'll. -

I've not always
used to live in the city.

Actually, when I was a kid,
I grew up out in the country.

I grew up out
in the country country.

You know, you live out in
the country when DirectTV won't fuck with your ass.

When I was a kid, I grew up
on a Perdue chicken farm,

and every morning I got on
that school bus, I smelled like either one of two things,

fried chicken or chicken shit.

Now, when my mom left my dad,
we moved to the city.

All my family and friends,
they were worried about me.

They were like,
"Aw, little Timmy.

"We're so worried about you
moving out there to the city.

"They have so much
crime in the city. They have gangs in the city."

I'm gonna tell you
all something right now.

They have gangs
out in the country. They are called hunt clubs.

These sons of bitches
shoot at each other. They're fighting for territory.

This is some honky-ass
thuggery going on out in the sticks y'all.

And the men take their sons
hunting with them,

so these little assholes
emulate this shit at school.

My first day
in the seventh grade,

these three little
boys cornered me,

and they said, "Hey,
this here middle school,

"is in the territory
of the Boxelder Hunt Club."

He said, "If you're gonna wear
a jacket in this school,

it better be either one
of two colors, either UPS brown or canary yellow.

"You see what's going on
right here with this fancy jacket you got on

"with this royal blue
and this blaze orange.

"We can't pronounce the name
of this hunt club, boy. Who are you with?"

I said, "I'm a New York
Knicks fan, you asshole."

They said,
"When you tell the New York Ka-nicks

"to stay off
my pawpaw's property."

But these lights...
These lights are hot as shit, man.

About to sweat my next to
last chin off of this bitch.

Thank God we ain't got to wear
them masks no more, man. Fuck them masks.

But if there was a silver lining
to wearing those masks, I'll tell you something...

There is no man, material or God
would be more honest with you about your breath.

Then what
those damned masks were.

You ain't gotta worry
about Covid no more. The flu is still killing people.

And you'll get sick, man.
You get sick easy nowadays, man.

I don't care where you are,
I travel all over the country, and I'm telling you,

it could be 80 degrees one day,
30 degrees the next, no matter where you're at.

And I used to be a big skeptic
of climate change, but something is not right anymore.

Can you explain to me
how the hell I caught frostbite on December 6

and a mosquito bite
on December 9. That shit is what's happening, man.

A lot of people,
including myself, get this seasonal depression.

So, you know, when it starts
getting dark early, they feel kind of down.

Do you guys enjoy that
about the summer?

Do you like the longer days
the extended sunlight? -

I don't.

Because when you're unemployed,
it makes you feel like that much more like a piece of shit.

You look at your watch,
like, it's 7:00 and the sun's still out.

When is this unproductive
day gonna end?

I hated my last job.
I was a bill collector.

I was one of those assholes
calling you from 8:00 in the morning

till 9:00 at night.

And I hated that job
because I was living a damn lie.

My weight is literally
still higher than my credit score.

How do I tell somebody
to pay their Discover card?

I stopped paying
Circuit City 11 years ago. They closed down.

What have you
done for me lately? -

The highlight of my day...
We call all over the country. The highlight of my day

was when I would get
an old southern Baptist black woman on the phone.

They answer the phone like this.
"Praise the Lord, now."

But by the end
of that conversation, like,

"You ever call this goddamn
house again talking bullshit about me paying bills."

Yes, ma'am.

Now, see, I was one of the best
bill collectors because he used me to track folks down

because people don't answer
their phones no more.

You got to sneak around.
You gotta get creative. You got to go through their...

Calling through their neighbors,
through their families,

through their jobs.
whatever you got to do.

They got me to find
Jason Kidd back when he played with the Dallas Mavericks.

I caught him on a team bus,
got him to pay a $7,000 bill on the spot.

And that's another reason
I was the best bill collector because if you owed me money

you're paying it in full today,
no payments, no exceptions.

I remember
I was blasting this guy on the phone one time.

I said, " Sir, you owe this
Patient First Clinic $1,230.58.

"Now, what are we going
to do about this?"

He thinks he's slick like
he's gonna give me the run around.

He's like, "Oh, you know,
Mr. Loulies, times are really tough right now.

"It's the holidays.
The family dog passed away on us.

"And they're cutting
my hours on the job.

"Can we work something out?
Can I make payments, please?"

I said "No. Uh-uh.
There'll be no exceptions on this matter."

I said, "You've got 30 seconds
to go and get your checkbook or a debit card.

"You're paying
this bill in full right now."

So, I wait for him to come back.
I got a call on the line

thinking it's a customer
calling in to pay a bill.

So, I answer with
the most authoritative voice.

"Transworld Collection Systems.
This is Mr. Loulies. How may I help you?"

"Yes. Hi, Mr. Loulies."

"Yes, this is Mr. Loulies."

"Well, is this
Timothy Michael Loulies?"

So, I ducked down in my cubicle.

"Who? Who is this?"

"Oh, this is Mrs. Adams
from Portfolio Recovery Services.

"We're calling to see
what you can do about your Circuit City bill, sir."

I said, "Damn, you found me."

I said, "Check this out,
Mrs. Adams, I want you to listen to something.

"I want you to listen
really good, okay?"

"Times are kind of tough right now, Mrs. Adams.

"May I make payments, please?"

All right, you know...
I got to... I got to confess.

I wasn't telling
the truth, all right, when I first set up that joke.

I'm actually still
a bill collector. -

And I'm glad
I got you here tonight

because I couldn't
get your ass on the phone.

I'm playing, I'm playing.
I really did lose my job at the collection agency

because I failed a piss test.

What the hell does
smoking weed got to do with how you collect bills?

I care how you pay your bills.
I understand that.

I had to stop smoking weed
not just for health purposes, but because

when I used to get high,
I used to do some of the most dumb and paranoid shit.

Like, you ever get so high,
you're driving down the road

and you light up your best
tasting cigarette of your life,

and you drop your cigarette,
you stop your car, you get out,

you look underneath the seat,
find the cigarette, stand up, shut the door

and lock your ass
out of your own car? -

At a stoplight.

And when you get high,
you don't make good diet choices.

You end up at a place
like McDonald's. Ugh.

But you want
to hurry up and eat,

so you stand in line
and you start bitching and complaining like,

"Hey, man, why ain't this line
moving, man?

"What y'all got going on
back there, man? Move this damn line."

Till you realize you're standing
behind the Ronald McDonald statue looking dumb.

As I said,
I'm a real big movie fan.

And Star Wars is absolutely
killing it right now.

I'll tell you, man.

Regardless,
if you're a Star Wars fan,

you got to give that franchise
a lot of credit.

They've made
tremendous progress, socially.

Because if you didn't know,
three out of the last

four feature films,
the lead hero is a female.

Now they got Ahsoka killing it.

Ladies are representing
for the Jedis. I think that's pretty cool.

But I still don't thinkStar Wars has gone far enough.

Because we've had a black Jedi.
We've had elderly Jedi. We've had a crippled Jedi.

And I'm ready
to see the gay Jedi. -

Yeah, now picture, if you will,
the gay Jedi runs up on the scene,

picks up his hot pink lightsaber
with a vibrating handle.

Little light potpourri scent,
hair blowing in the wind and shit.

And when he swings
that lightsaber, it's not that traditional sound

we're used to hearing, like...

It's more like,
hey, hey. hey.

They might as well. Gay dudes are ambitious nowadays.

They're in the the NBA,
they're professional wrestling and getting drafted to the NFL.

You give a gay dude an inch,
he just wants to take nine more.

Hey, if you don't
like that joke,

you can suck
on Wookiee penis, damn it.

That is well-crafted
material right there.

I recently just saw
that movie The Creator

about artificial intelligence.
That's some scary shit, man.

If you ain't seen this movie,
I ain't gonna spoil it for you,

but what it's about
is artificial intelligence

becomes sentient beings,
and they start forming relationships with humans.

Humans start falling
in love with them. - WOMAN: No way.

Ladies, let me tell
y'all something,

when artificial
gets into the dating scene at that level, you're fucked.

Because men,
we know what we want.

Ladies, you don't know
what the fuck you want. -

You don't want the honest,
faithful Frank 9000.

Bitch, C-3PO ain't gonna
suck on your toes.

Now, can you imagine
the arguments?

Ladies, can you imagine
the arguments you would try to have to have

You would try to have to have
with these artificial... Artificial intelligent beings?

Try to pull that
"Oh, it's your fault because I match energy" bullshit.

Like, bitch,
what with my battery? What the fuck?

You ain't matching
no lithium ion.

The fuck is wrong with you?

And you know what's
frustrating for me, man?

It's like, you know,
it's like I got rid of...

I'm getting rid
of one insecurity with losing the weight,

and now I gotta
deal with another. It's the loose skin, right.

So, now I gotta have a whole
new approach with women.

But ladies, it shouldn't be
that hard of a sell, right? I mean, you like bean bags?

Do you like oversized hoodies?

You like cute
little furry animals?

Fuck the sugar daddy,
get you a sugar glider.

Sugar glider jump
right off the dresser right onto the bed.

Look, ladies, if it grosses
you out a little bit...

I had dudes say,
"Oh, man. What you gonna do with the ladies, man?

"All that loose skin.
What are you gonna wear? Spanx?"

I ain't gonna wear
no damned Spanx.

I'm gonna wear Under Armour,
goddamn it. Shit.

The Rock wears Under Armour.

Elite college athletes
wear Under Armour.

And so does
the sugar glider, damn it.

I got some of the best
Under Armour in the game.

I ain't gonna lie to you,
though, where I do have a little bit of challenges

in my dating life sometimes,
my choice of footwear,

because I proudly
and unapologetically wear Crocs.

If you're somebody
that shits on people for wearing Crocs, fuck you.

Crocs are some of the most
innovative footwear.

I stepped in a puddle
of water one time, my feet were soaking wet.

30 seconds later, boom,
they were bone dry.

It really does have the same
effect on the ladies, fellas.

So, I'm warning you.
Those are the consequences.

I had this redneck one time...
I had this redneck one time

tried to tell me, he said
"Boy, when you gonna learn?

"You ain't gonna get laid
wearing no Crocs."

I said, "Sir, you are talking
on a flip phone and wearing a fanny pack.

"Don't you lecture me."

Now, I know we got a lot
of rednecks in here tonight.

But I'm gonna
tell y'all something.

Today's rednecks,
you are soft. Soft.

I remember back when rednecks
used to drink Budweiser.

Now they're drinking
Bud Light Lime.

I remember back
when rednecks used to throw cast-iron horseshoes.

And now
you're throwing beanbags. -

And you know what it is?
It's the music.

Because country music
today sucks dick.

And it's reflective
of the culture.

That's why rednecks are soft,
all right? It's reflective.

Because when I grew up,
I was listening to people

who were saying something
with their soul.

Like Garth Brooks, Alan Jackson,
The older shit like Johnny Cash.

Now these dudes
are in these arenas with their shirt off

all rubbed up with oil
like WWE wrestlers and shit.

You know, I travel a lot
throughout the South,

and sometimes I have to have
a very uncomfortable conversation with rednecks.

But, um, I have to tell
you something.

Barack Obama
did not steal your America. -

Luke Bryan did, damn it.

Soft.

Now, I may...

You may hear me say
some curse words and stuff, but a lot of y'all

know I am not
a vulgar comic, right? - WOMAN: No.

But I do got this one new joke.

It's pretty dirty, y'all.

- Y'all want to hear it?
-Yeah!

- It's a little nasty. You sure?
-Yeah.

All right.

So, back in high school,
when I was eating pussy, right?

I wasn't doing a very good job
because I did not know what a clitoris was.

I didn't know what I was doing.

I was just down there looking
like the Chick-fil-A logo going...

You see these young guys...
These young boys, they've got no excuse nowadays.

They've got all this information
in the palm of their hands. You know what I'm saying?

I mean, I can say that,
but when I take some honest reflection,

I don't have an excuse either,
because wouldn't you agree

that the '90s was the golden age
for hip-hop and R&B?

If I was only hearing what
SWV was trying to tell me...

Y'all know this song...

♪ You gotta go downtown
That's the way to my love ♪

She said,♪ Lick it round and round ♪

She really did say,
"Lick it round and round," on the the unedited version,

not those bullshit CDs
we we're buying a Walmart.

And just like in the movieWhite Man Can't Jump

where Wesley Snipes
told Woody Harrelson,

"You might be listening
to Jimi Hendrix, but you ain't hearing Jimi Hendrix."

If I was only hearing
what Coko, Lelee and Taj was trying to tell me...

Now that joke
ain't got a big finish,

but those young ladies
won't get theirs either, so... -

Brand new joke.
I just did it for the special tonight.

I dunno, y'all, uh...

Y'all think that joke has
some potential? - CROWD: Yeah!

So, I can tell it
again sometime? - CROWD: Yeah!

So, back in high school,
when I was eating pussy... -

Now I gotta put
this declaimer out there

just in case things get
too fresh after the show.

But, um, I don't get
with the big girls, man.

It's not that I'm too picky.
It's just that shit don't work out.

The last time me
and a big girl got on one of them iron frame beds,

it was like two manatees
in a cage match.

And we did damage
to the environment, damn it.

We put holes in the floor,
knocked the asbestos out of the wall,

starting a fire.

Like I said, ladies,
you don't know what you want, man.

You don't know what you want,
because even now,

these women in their late 30's
and their 40's

are still going for these
toxic ass relationships, right?

You love a toxic-ass man.

And you still like to say,
"Oh, I like the bad boy type."

But no, you should've got that
bullshit out of your system back in your 20's.

You still like these
lame-ass motherfuckers.

And I tried to understand
the psychology, so I asked a woman. I was like...

I was like, "What is it you like
about this bad boy type?" They always say the same thing.

"Oh, they're so exciting.
They're so unpredictable."

Ladies, I'm gonna tell you
all something right now.

There ain't nothing
more exciting to be with a man who lives his life

on the edge of cardiac arrest.

Shit, I can't even feel
my left arm right now.

But I love all the ladies.
I love all the ladies.

I love them white.
I love them Latina.

But I got a thing
for the sisters.

Man, there's some
of y'all here tonight making my blood sugar drop.

You know, in Virginia,
we're pretty diverse,

but this is still considered
the South, you know.

Growing up,
the rest of my family wasn't quite like me.

My parents, they come from
the old school, you know.

So, I had to, you know...
They weren't quite like me.

I had to sneak around
and listen to rap music.

Had to go behind my parents'
back to watch Soul Train. -

One day, my mom,
she caught me watchingShowtime at the Apollo,

and she whooped my ass.

But I don't wanna mislead y'all.
I ain't got nothing to do with race.

My whole family,
we love black folks.

My mom used to whoop my ass
because she caught me jerking off to Kiki Shepherd.

Hey, hey, I want to fuck that
Popeyes chicken lady.

You seen her?
With the short hair. Oh, my God.

That's my sugar cane
sweet tea right there, baby.

Louisiana fast.

It's making my biscuits
hard a little bit. -

Which brings me to what
I really wanted to talk to all y'all about tonight.

Interracial babies.
They're beautiful, right? - CROWD: Yeah!

Listen, it's the year 2023
of Our Lord.

if you still got that prejudice
in your heart, you need to let that bullshit go.

Humans are gonna mix
with other races of humans.

In fact,
dogs with types of dogs, cats and with types of cats.

But you know something?
You don't ever see this with birds.

I'm about to lay some deep
Animal Planet on your shit.

When's the last time
you've seen an interracial bird?

They must have some
bigoted damn parents.

Because you never see a crow
mixed with a blue jay to make a navy blue bird.

Or a seagull mixed with
a starling to make a seastar.

Bat and a robin mixed to make
an actual crime fighting duo.

You don't see that shit.

Fellas, man...
Fellas, if you're out there getting promiscuous,

you better protect yourself.

They got shit that'll kill you
a lot quicker than HIV.

I know they're always trying
to scare people with all these different viruses,

but what was
that thing before Covid? It was called the, um...

- Uh, the Zede... The Z...
-Zika.

Zika. The Zika virus.
Remember that?

That was the one
with the babies coming out with the little heads and shit.

Oh, my God,
that's the last thing I need is a fat little bastard

rolling around
looking like BB-8.

So, fellas,
we gotta protect ourselves.

Y'all out there getting nasty,
getting freaky with it, just remember...

Just remember Geico.

30 seconds or less
will save you hundreds on your health insurance.

Possibly thousands
in child support, so you better wrap that shit up, damn it.

I tell you what, man,
I love this comedy game, man,

because since I've been
on this whole comedy thing,

I've been getting a lot more
attention from the ladies.

And the attention,
that's just half the battle.

Now all I got to do is convince
the girl to share a bed with me and my sleep apnea machine.

I don't know if you've ever
seen these sleep apnea masks before,

but they make you look
like Hannibal Lecter

in the cockpit
of an F-18 Super Hornet or some shit.

Not too long ago,
one night when I got off the stage,

I went to the bar
to find myself a little wounded gazelle.

I took her home,
did my thing, knocked it out.

I rolled over, put my mask on,
went to sleep.

She wanted to start playing
around the middle of the night, rubbing on my back,

like, "Wake up, baby, wake up."

She got me
on the back of my neck where I'm ticklish at.

So, I turned over...

What's up, baby?

Are you ready
for that round two?

I ain't lying. I ain't never
seen a Puerto Rican chick turn so white before.

The bitch went
from Jennifer Lopez to Jennifer Love Hewitt.

She probably thought
I was Darth Vader with a thyroid problem or some shit.

But if your doctor
thinks you have sleep apnea,

what they usually do
is send you to a place called a sleep study, right?

You show up
in his doctor's office, and it's got, like, 30 bedrooms,

and immediately you're thinking,
like, "Man, this ain't no normal doctor's office.

"Somebody's fucking
in here, man." -

So, they put me in this bedroom,
They hook up, like, 200 wires and sensors all over my head.

But they were very
accommodating, like,

"Mr. Loulies,
is there anything we can do to help you get to sleep?"

I was like, "You know,
I do like to sleep with a fan."

Boom, they got you a fan.

I said, "May I have
a few extra pillows?" They gave me some extra pillows.

I was gonna ask for milk
and cookies, but I thought I'd leave it right there, right?

So, the lights go out.
I started breathing this cool oxygen,

and I felt something
rub up my leg.

I look up, it's the nurse.

She's a sexy little thing.
She jumps up on the bed and she straddles me.

And she starts
grinding her hips.

Like, hey, man, what kind
of sleep study is this?

She said, "Mr. Loulies?"
I said, "Yes?"

She said, "Mr. Loulies?"

I said, "Hell, just call me
Tim, baby. What's going on? -

She said, "No, Mr. Loulies?"

And then I woke up
and realized there was nobody there.

I was actually
pleasuring myself. -

And it was a nurse
over the loudspeaker, "Mr. Loulies!"

Now, it's every man's worst
nightmare to get caught "whacking it", right?

Well, just imagine
being mic-ed up...

...underneath
of an infrared camera

with a room of about
six or seven nurses

who have been
minding your vitals all night.

She's like, "Mr. Loulies,
are you sure there's nothing else

"we can do to help
you get to sleep?"

I started to rub
my nipples a little bit.

Yeah, baby. Get your ass in here
and put me to sleep

I recently reached out
to my half brother and sister,

which I have known
about for 16 years, but they weren't aware of this.

My sister lives in Colorado,
and my brother lives in Arizona.

When I called my sister
I didn't really warm it up or anything.

I just got right to the point.
I wasn't like, "Hey, what do you think about

"the Denver Broncos this year?"
Or something.

I just said,
"Hey, I'm your brother." And it kind of shocked her.

And my dumb ass brother
in Arizona, I called him, I dropped this news like,

"Hey, man, I'm actually
your brother, and he was like,

"Oh, sounds like my dad."

"Are you a gamer, man?
You console, PC?" I was like, "All right, cool."

You know what I'm saying?
It's fucked up, too, man.

And my real dad is...
Because the narcissistic piece of shit that I grew up with,

this son of a bitch
was like 500, 600 pounds.

He used to bully me
for being fat.

I'm like, "Man, you're like
one of the Dallas Cowboy fans

defecting to a Washington fan
every time you get your ass kicked by the other team.

Oh, come on!

Fuck all you Dallas Cowboy fans.

And I don't need to hear...
I don't need to hear...

I don't need to hear about
your five Super Bowl's

back when SWV was teaching me
how to eat pussy.

And you want
to know something, too?

There's black.
There's... There's white.

Black and gold ain't for
the Pittsburgh Steelers.

I fucking hate Pittsburgh.
My biological...

My biological father
likes the Pittsburgh Steelers. Fuck him, too.

Fuck... Fuck Picken...
Fuck Pickens. Fuck you, Dad.

And see, what it is is like...
At the end of day,

like, my father...
My real father was a womanizer, right?

And the son of a bitch
is a millionaire.

He's a millionaire.
You can afford a child...

You can afford a child,
and you never wanted to claim me?

That's a whole another
level of rejection.

Now, I probably know
how it feels to be a child of a professional athlete.

You know what I'm saying?
It's like... -

Except all this son of a bitch
did was have some political influence

in the Norfolk Naval Shipyard.

Like, what the fuck?

Pasty white, old bastard man.

At least, man, if I was a child
of a professional athlete,

I would have gotten
a better metabolism or some shit.

So, I know you guys
have heard about me talk about my weight tonight. Okay?

I talk about it a lot
because it's my life. I gotta discuss it.

But believe it or not,
I didn't always used to be this way.

See, from eighth grade
to my senior year, I played sports year-round.

I was in fantastic shape.
But after high school, what had happened was...

I'm gonna get vulnerable
with y'all for a second, um...

I met a young lady,
and I fell in love,

and she broke my heart
so bad, I just let myself go.

And you know,
it's been my biggest fear in my adult life

to one day run into her
out in public when she sees what I have become.

No lie. After all these years,
I'm in line at the grocery store,

and there she is
right in front on me. She's looking good, too, y'all.

Long jet black hair,
thick thighs, a fat ass like she's been working out

at Gold's Gym and not that
Planet Fitness bullshit I was talking about earlier.

And she recognized me,
but she wasn't like, "Hey, how have you been?"

She was like, "Ew, hi."

But I took
the high road and said, "Hey, it was good seeing you."

I looked her up and down again
and saw how fantastic she looked.

And then I looked at myself.

All that heartbreak and shame
hit me right here in the chest

like it all just
happened yesterday.

And right as a tear
was about to roll down my face.

Her debit card declines.

I said, "Thank you, Jesus.
You just turned my worst nightmare into a dream."

I said, "Your abs are tight,
but so is your finances, bitch."

I said, "Here's my credit card.
I'll take them fuel points.

"You can't fuck
with the sugar glider, baby." I'm out.

All right, here we go.

All right. So this is the time
right now, ladies and gentlemen,

what we've been waiting for.
Are y'all ready? -

Hey, man. Ladies and gentlemen,

I want you to put
your hands together before he performed at...

Okay, I messed up.

Lord, have mercy.
Let me tighten this mike.

See, I didn't get it
the first time.

My wife know...
Slow down? Take a second?

Okay. Okay. I'll take a second.
I'll take a second. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

My wife know at home,
if you stopped me in the middle of telling a joke,

I would never tell the joke
right ever again. -

All right.
I'm trying to do this. Okay.

Memory, memory, memory.
Jesus is good, right? Amen.

Amen, God is good. Halleluiah.

All right, let's do this.
Are you ready? -

- Is he ready? All right.
-Ready!

Are y'all ready,
ladies and gentlemen? -

This is what
we came here for y'all.

Coming to the stage.

He performed
at the Apollo and... Dang it.

Dude, I did not mean
to jack you up like that, man.

Uh, okay? I mean,
what happened, man?

'Cause, you know, I went
and I did it straight through, then, you know...

All right, so we had
basically two side cams and two center cams, uh...

And before Tim got up,
I was concerned about card space.

We were recording 4K,
and I was like,

all right, let's just...
Let's all, like, load in new cards.

So, we were doing that.

And so when we do that,
we always format. - CATASH: Mmm-hmm.

And you're in...
In between spots, so it felt like a good time.

And so we formatted
the card, and it said, like,

60 megabytes available
or something like that. - Right.

And I'm like, well,
that's not... That's, like, 2 seconds of footage. Not even.

- Oh, dang.
- So, I was like, okay, something's wrong with the card.

Let's just, like, reformat it.
So, I reformat it again.

60 megabytes. And I'm like,
what the hell is going on?

I mean, it's just getting
worse and worse.

And so, uh, I was like,
let's put a different card in, so we got a different card.

Put a different card in.
And during all this, like, you're coming up on your time,

so I was like,
"Tell him to stop. Tell him to stop."

And so, that's when you...

You got the intro right
the first time, right?

- The first time I got it right.
-Yeah.

I got it right the first time,

and then when they were like,
"Hold up." Oi.

-Yeah.
- So, I'm gonna tell you what happened with me.

-Well...
- I... I thought... Oh, you finish what you were saying.

I'll be real.
So, we put the card in. We were on our fourth card...

- Uh-huh.
- And I realized it was saying 60 gigs available.

- Oh, my God
- So, this whole time, I just was reading it wrong.

And I'm like,
"Oh, it's fine. It's fine.

"Guys, tell them to go.
We're good. We're good. We're good."

And see, me, me, me

knowing this motherfucker
as long as I have.

- Oh, my God, man.
-You know what I'm saying?

Mister... Mister Steal-the-show.

Oh.

Look, he wasn't dressed
like Prince that night

because he could have
done a whole... He would have done a concert.

I'm sitting here thinking
he's just trying to, like,

add in extra shit,
do extra time. -

You know what I'm saying?
Just, like, 'cause the crowd was so red hot.

- Oh, they were hot.
-Red hot.

So, I thought... I was like...
You know, I was like,

"Don't tell me
you're doing this now, Catash.

"Don't tell me
you're doing this now."

What happened was,
after that happened, you know,

like once you go
through something, then the energy, you know,

dissipates from my body.

And then all of a sudden,
you were like, you know... You know, do it again.

I thought I did some shit wrong,
so I was, "Oh, Tim's gonna be mad as hell."

So, I got nervous.
Like... Like don't tell me, man.

I tried again... I...
I know what I did wrong, so I did it again,

and then that's when I start
having brain farts. So, you know what I'm saying?

And in full transparency,
from what you saw on the video,

I totally understand.
I'm very reactionary.

There was a lot of pressure
on me that night.

I not only was thinking about...
You know, but before I even got on stage...

I don't even know...
I wasn't even really...

I was so focused
on the entire night going good

for all the openers,
for all the other stuff,

for the people getting in there,
for all the set and everything. So, I was so focused on that.

And when it was my turn
to hit the stage, I was just going ape shit.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Tim's just saying he was mean, too.

Yeah, yeah. Well...

- You're the Big44.
-Yeah. Yeah. So, you know...

So, like I said,
man, I've got...

I'm glad I had two bottles
of water down there with me

because one of them
did get destroyed.

Water all over the staircase
because I was going absolutely fucking nuts.

I was like,
"Get me on that stage." The crowd was hot.

You know what I'm saying?
And it just... I was just...

I didn't know
what was going on. - We have the audio.

- Yeah, you had to mic him up.
-'Cause he was wearing a lapel.

- Hold on.
-Want to hear it?

Yeah,
I want to hear it. - Hang on. Hang on.

So, this is the time right now,
ladies and gentlemen.

What we've been waiting for.

Are y'all ready?

Okay, I messed up.

Are y'all ready,
ladies and gentlemen? -

This is what we came here for y'all.

Coming to the stage.
He performed at that Apollo and... Dang it.

And five WWE Hall of Famers.

...we've been waiting for,
ladies and gentlemen. Y'all ready?

He performed
at the Apollo theater in Harlem, ladies and gentlemen.

He performed with
four SNL s... Cast members.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
are y'all ready?

This is what we're waiting for.

He performed
at the Apollo in Harlem.

He performed with
four SNL cast members.

And five WWE Hall of Famers.
Did I say that right?

...four SNL cast members.

And five WWE Hall of Famers.

Tim Loulies!

Kirk Franklin,
huh? Really?

You wildin' man.
I feel bad for that bottle, man.

All right. Well, we got
a good story from it.

And I mean,
it ended up being awesome. - CATASH: Yeah.

And crowd was ready, dude.
Like you got 'em there. Five tops.

- Exactly.
-At least.

Hey, man, all bullshit aside,
though, man, I'm gonna tell you regardless of how angry I was...

Regardless of how, uh,
I was a little volcano erupting in that staircase, man...

Man, I couldn't have had
a better person in that position than Catash,

regardless of
the mistakes or whatever, to keep that crowd so nuclear

and to keep
them up after that...

Still, by the time
I hit that stage, they were still boiling over.

You know what I mean?
So, I mean, you know, props to you, man.

I... I didn't know
what was going on, man.

The Kirk Franklin got me.

Like, for those watching,
he has...

The reason
I put him in this position

is because he has a background
in not only comedy, but, um, rapping,

gospel, acting, all that stuff.

So, in that
particular situation, where we had those miscues,

uh, you know, to work
on the fly and to keep...

The biggest thing,
regardless of how many mistakes were made,

- is to keep the audience up.
- Yeah.

Nobody could have
done it better than Catash.

Dude,
they was right there.

I wanted to go out after you.
You know what I'm saying?

I wanted go out and introduce
my damn self, man. It was so good, man.

That's why I was like,
it's a whole other set. - You killed it.

♪ When the game on the line ♪

♪ You can't fold
and you can't bend ♪

♪ Y'all be playing it safe
and I be going for the win ♪

♪ Remember back when
they was doubting on the kid ♪

♪ Now they tuned in
'Cause my game too legit ♪

♪ Stayed down remained humble
and I made it work ♪

♪ Crazy how I came out
so clean from the dirt ♪

♪ We was using candles
on the nights the lights ain't work ♪

♪ We aint never going back
to that and that I merch ♪

♪ Turn your back on me
the worst mistake you'll ever make ♪

♪ Keep my grass cut
Gotta watch out for the snakes ♪

♪ If it's on my plate
best believe it's getting ate ♪

♪ I'm balling like I'm Kobe 33
before the 8 ♪

♪ I just want the rings
and the medals and trophies ♪

♪ I want the Kardashians
and Jenners to all know me ♪

♪ I want to take a Uber
to the Hills to visit Khloe ♪

♪ I want floor seats
'Cause I'm tired of the nose bleeds ♪

♪ When the game on the line ♪

♪ You can't fold
and you can't bend ♪

♪ Y'all be playing it safe
and I be going for the win ♪

♪ Remember back when
they was doubting on the kid ♪

♪ Now they tuned in
'Cause my game too legit ♪

♪ I feel like
I'm Scottie Pippen ♪

♪ Putting in all the work
but they don't give me no recognition ♪

♪ Basically the league's MVP
But the P is missing ♪

♪ I'm the most valuable
but sometimes they tend to forget it ♪

♪ I live my life on the edge ♪

♪ But my back
against the wall ♪

♪ I make sure my shoes laced ♪

♪ 'Cause who gon' catch me
If I fall... ♪