Original subtitles

Careful, Icarus.

Hyah!

Nice driving, losers.

I'm fucking athletic as hell.

- Seriously, man. - Whoops.

- You're very athletic. - I've seen your pecs, bro.

I don't know, dude. People are saying that golf

isn't like a real sport, but I was like, "What the fuck?"

- Seriously, what the fuck? - No.

Whoa!

Hey, you want a couple pointers?

Oh, yes. Sorry, I don't mean to bother you.

Yeah. Well, that was a left-hand drive, so that was wrong.

-Oh. -But don't worry, I'm here to help you.

You see, the key to a good swing is all in the...

...hips.

Now, let's try again.

I want blue.

Oh, blue is too big for you.

Pink is the perfect size.

I don't want pink. Pink is dumb.

Oh, pink is so totally not dumb. I mean, think about flamingos.

They're pink. They're pretty cool.

You seem like a flamingo kind of guy to me.

No? Not an animal guy?

My grandma says it's pathetic

you work at a mini golf course.

Your grandma said that?

Wait, who's your grandma? Does she know me?

- One, two, 3.50 is your change.

No refunds on lost balls.

Oh, also, don't make eye contact

with the squirrel statue on hole five.

People say it's haunted.

Oh, how interesting.

Okay. Thank you so much, sweetie.

Ma'am, I'm flattered by your obvious flirting,

but you should know I only have eyes for one girl,

and she is not you.

What is it like being in your twenties

and still having your mom plan out your outfit?

Oh, okay.

Uh, well, you know, what's it like

not being eligible for the pizza raffle anymore?

Did you think about that?

Ow! Son of a bi... scuit.

- What happened? - He called me a flamingo.

I did not.

-What is your name? -Uh, that's Ben, and I'm Dylan.

Let us know if you need anything else. Uh, besides romance.

Like I said, uh, not interested.

Yeah, no, your manager's going to hear about this.

Well, hey, you're in luck. This is the future manager right here,

so we'll take all your positive feedback whenever you're ready.

-Ooh, yeah. Well done. -Ooh, that-- Yeah, that was really good.

-That was really good. Yeah. -That felt really good.

- It felt really good from here too.

-All right, let's do this again. Ready? -Okay.

-Hey, what's wrong man? -She's not going to give positive feedback.

-She's pissed. -Oh, well,

I did break her heart, so that makes sense.

Why can't we get that kind of respect?

Right. Yeah, like she's impressed.

You're so amazing.

She's just saying that.

I respect you so much.

- Dude, you're gonna get the job. You're like Mr. Putt-Putt.

-Mini golf. -Why are you so crazy about that?

-Everyone calls it putt-putt. -It's in the sign.

Well, I mean, technically, that says--

You ever wish your life had ended up,

I don't know, differently?

You mean, like if we were ninjas?

-Professional wrestlers? -No, not like...

Well, kinda. I mean, without the ninja part.

-So, professional wrestlers. -No, no. I mean, like college, girls.

You know, like them.

Uh, no.

Our lives are sweet, dude.

Ten years from now, they're gonna have some big, successful career,

giant houses, beautiful families.

But what are they going to talk about when they see each other?

All the fun, stupid stuff they did when they were young.

When they're sitting back, wishing they could go back and relive the glory days,

we're gonna be right here, together,

living the exact same amazingly awesome life

we're living right now.

Yeah, I guess.

Come on, man. What could be better than this?

Ow! Mother--

- Losers. - What?

Mm-hm.

You dare approach a holy knight

on the sacred land of his father

and his fathers before him?

Foul demon,

- you truly are as foolish as you look.

For I am Dougie of the House of Harris,

and I shall not be bested by the likes of you!

Hey, Dougie.

Hey.

-Oh. -Oh.

Oh, nice.

Fore.

You fought bravely, good sir knight.

Two Fudgy Penguins. Have a brr-illiant day.

Welcome to the Arctic Circle, where the only thing colder than...

-Oh. -Hey, Jenny.

-Dylan. Ben. -Hey.

Uh, three twists, with yours in a kiddie cup?

I love that you know my order.

Yeah, well, you come here every day, so...

Oh, you.

Um, I'll take sprinkles.

-It's been a rough day. -Uh, hey, buddy, this round's on me.

I... can afford it.

Did you see her smile at me?

- Uh, yeah. - Yeah.

There you go.

- Thank you. - Three twists. And there.

Uh, hey, any time, free putt-putt. On me.

-I know. -Any time.

Next.

-Free putt-putt. -Next!

I think I'm making some real progress.

Yeah. I mean, she didn't slam your fingers in the window this time.

Come on, man, that only happened thrice.

Ready for a Mega Comets rematch?

Oh. Hey, I call dibs on red controller.

Blue controller is definitely busted.

Oh, dude, you're just so mad that you keep losing.

You know, Lenny told me they got a bunch of new games,

including Gothic Slayers 4!

-No way! -No way!

Oh.

-Oh. -Oh.

-Oh, dang, are those your karate khakis? -Yeah.

Did it start raining?

Who are they?

Have they been staring at us this whole time?

I don't know.

-Let's get the fuck out of here. -Not before you fix that stain.

-You don't want it to set while we're driving. -Oh. Okay.

Stain's gone. Go, go, go!

Arcade, here we come.

Oh, good. It stopped raining.

Truck.

Cones. Child.

- Losers. - Step on it.

I want to get there before the middle school lets out.

Say no more.

Oh, no!

Perfect.

Uh, rumor has it we're getting a pool.

-What? A pool? -Yep. Mm-hm.

-Where would it even go? -Uh, at the bottom of the range.

Everyone swimming would be given helmets.

Garlic smash.

-Who said this? -Keith.

- Keith? - I, I like Keith.

You can't trust a word Keith says.

Remember that time he said they were getting

a laser tag course with real lasers?

- Oh, shit, that would be fucking tight.

Apparently, the creators of Gothic Slayers,

they spent about six months studying hemodynamics

just to make the game as authentic as possible.

Oh, that's the study of blood flow.

-That's cool, Derek. -Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Hey, have you checked out the new prizes yet?

We got a shipment of new bouncy balls,

and they bounce really high.

Oh, no, no. I missed the heart. Save me. Save me.

Hold on. Got one on my left.

Player one mauled by Gothic horrors. Join them in hell.

- Sweet. I'm up. - Continue .

Welcome back.

Double stake. Combo.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

-Guess who just walked in. -Jenny?

- Shit. They saw us. Pretend like you didn't see them. - Uh...

-Dougie. -I panicked.

Fucking piece of shit. Damn it!

-Hi, there. -We saw you outside our house.

You know what? Yeah. Yeah, that was me.

And that was you. Oh, my gosh, small world.

We just moved here.

Well, howdy-ho there, neighbor.

Very cool house, by the way.

Mm. Very macabre.

Uh, I am Dougie.

- This here is Ben and Dylan. - Hey, what's up?

-What are you playing? -Uh, Gothic Slayers 4 .

It's this game where you go around killing these Gothic freaks.

Not that we have a problem with Goths or anything.

- No, we think Goths are cool. - Mm.

Beware of the Goth chicks!

High five.

Pfft. Silly machine.

Strong.

Aren't you?

I mean, I have, I have big bones, but it's like a medical thing.

Durable skin.

Thank you.

Would you like to take a walk with us?

Oh. Uh...

Uh, uh, sure. Yeah.

Hey, guys, I'm gonna go on a walk. Oh. I guess.

-Do your thing, man. -Uh, nachos.

- Oh. Uh... - Oh, shit.

You know, apparently, the creators of Gothic Slayers

spent about nine months on a fisherman's boat

on the Black Sea learning about knot theories.

Cool, Derek.

Enter more quarters or we will all die.

-Hey, where's Dougie? -Getting us nachos, right?

I don't see him.

-Oh, shit. -Oh, shit.

- Dude. - ...five, four, three, two...

-Ah. -Back to Gothic Slayers, part four.

Dude, how long are we going to stay on this hole?

I'll get it. I'm getting closer.

- Hey, putt putt pervs. - Putt putt pervs.

Uh, Ben actually prefers if you call it "mini golf."

-How are things at the MILF hut? -What do you want, Brian?

You bogeys need to go collect the golf balls at the driving range.

-What? It's not our job. -Uh.

Well, Sir dork-a-lot Doogie didn't show up for work today.

Uh, it's actually pronounced "Sir dork-a-lot Dougie," so...

Wait. He didn't show up for work today?

Oh, I'm sorry, he wasn't speaking Elf,

so you must not have understood him.

It's Elvish, not Elf.

Ignoramus.

Let's do it this way.

No nerds over there, two nerds here,

so nerds here need to go pick up balls over there.

Botuu.

What did you just say?

Did he just hit on me?

Stop.

-I'll play you for it. -Huh.

-Loser collects the balls. -Uh, Ben.

-Which hole? -Why not right here?

Okay, I'm just gonna have a quick sidebar

with my partner here, so excuse us.

Uh, dude, I say this with love.

-You suck big time. -I'm getting closer.

You couldn't par a hole if our lives depended on it.

Hey, are you guys done touching tips?

If you lose, I might not make it in time to see Jenny.

I wouldn't let that happen.

You trust me?

Yeah, of course.

Are you guys done touching tips?

- We heard you the first time, Brian. -Hm.

Closest to the hole wins?

Hm.

Be the ball.

Be the ball.

Jukkete.

Putt-putt pervs.

Thanks again, putt-putt fuckers.

Oh.

Looks like you missed a few.

Oh, Ben.

I fished this out for you.

- Thought you might need your lucky ball.

Lucky.

Do you want to maybe swing by Dougie's tonight

-to check on him? -Oh, she's still here.

Dude, screw Dougie. He owes us for covering him tonight.

I'm talking paying for every game next arcade night.

Hey, Jenny.

I thought I lucked out.

Uh, you actually lucked in.

Hey, you haven't seen Dougie today, have you?

I have no idea who that is.

Good one.

Just two twists tonight.

Babe.

-Yeah? -Two twists.

Cool. You're named Babe?

- What is that, French? - No.

His name is Cody. He just started today.

He's my boyfriend.

Wait. I, I'm confused.

Is he French or not?

- Oh. - Let me guess.

Dylan. Hey.

Hey, man, it is great to meet you.

Oh. All right, look out.

What type of cone can I get you?

-Uh, he likes the kiddie cup. -Uh, waffle cone.

Are you sure?

That's a lot of cone.

I can handle my cone.

Dougie?

-That's a lot of cone. That's a big jump. -You're a lot of cone.

- This guy is great. - I can do it.

- Just get him the cone. -I can't be liable for a tummy ache.

Hey, buddy, don't worry about my tummy.

I've got a tough tummy. A damn tough tummy.

- Hey, I take that as a compliment. You--

Well, then you're wel--

- My twist. - Our friend was just kidnapped

-and all you're thinking about is ice cream? -Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

He was just standing there all creepy-like, and then they just grabbed him.

-Who grabbed who? -You didn't see any of that?

I saw my life crumble around me when Jenny called that guy "Babe."

No. The Goth family from yesterday,

they drove their van up, grabbed Dougie and threw him in the back.

Oh, just because he's hanging out with them, doesn't mean he was kidnapped.

-No, no, no. You didn't see it. -Was he in handcuffs?

-No. -Did you scream for help?

-No. -Do you think Jenny's boyfriend's

-more attractive than me? -No.

-Wait. What? -Look, nothing's going on there,

with Dougie or with Jenny and that French guy.

- Maybe you're right. - Probably just too much Gothic Slayers last night.

Yeah, probably.

Oh, my God, I'm starving.

Thinking what I'm thinking?

Dude.

Man, Derek wasn't kidding.

These bouncy balls do go high.

Do you really think I'll get the manager position?

Dude.

100%.

I mean, who else would get it?

Nana always tells me,

"If you really want something, it'll find its way to you."

Yeah, totally.

And, uh, I, I really want it, real bad.

Are you okay?

You're not still upset you lost to those caddie bros, are you?

No.

Kinda, yeah.

Not just losing to them, but sometimes,

I don't know, I feel like I'm kinda losing in general.

Like, I see these people doing these great things,

and I'm just kinda stuck, you know?

Dylan?

-Dylan? -Totally.

Are you listening to me?

Do you see that?

Well, that was weird.

Wait, that's the van.

-What van? -The van that took Dougie.

That asshole.

-Hey, where are you going? -Well, clearly Dougie's new friends are having a party

out in the woods, in the middle of the night, and he didn't invite us.

Dylan, wait up.

- Holy shit. This is some weird party.

Dylan, get down.

My family.

You almost spilled my slushie.

Shut up. I don't think this is a party.

We have been waiting for many long years,

and now the stars are aligned.

We have been waiting in secret,

and tonight we will step out of the shadows and into his light.

We will begin the rite of the sacred passing.

Bring forth the bearer of light.

Oh, my God, Dougie.

He was kidnapped.

I told you.

Brother...

...you have carried the light for our family for many years honorably,

but now it is time.

Brain freeze.

Quit screwing around!

Come on, get in, get in, get in!

They fucking killed that guy.

What the fuck was that?

This is all too stressful, man.

I think I'm having a panic attack.

-We gotta stay calm. -I'm freaking out.

I'm freaking out.

All right, that's better.

Okay, let's just take a step back.

I get gassy when I'm anxious. You know that.

What? I mean, let's get on the same page.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Maybe we think we saw something we didn't really see.

-Right. -So, on the count of three, let's say what we think we saw.

Okay? One, two, three.

A group of hooded figures recited a spell that made an old man float in the air.

And then a little ball of light came out of his chest

and was sucked into a necklace around a guy's neck.

And then the old man fell to the ground and vanished.

Out loud, it sounds cool, but it was real and very scary.

-Fuck! -Are they gonna kill Dougie?

I don't know, but he was tied up, so it doesn't seem good.

-Who are these people? -I don't know. It was like a cult.

A cult? You think so?

Look it up.

All I'm getting is horses.

- You typed "colts." - Oh!

Oops. Save that.

Try, I don't know, "demonic cult"?

Jesus, Maggie.

You guys making out or something?

-Yes. -No.

Mom wanted me to tell you that you have to drive me

to my Ladybugs camping trip tomorrow night.

Also, is Dylan staying over? 'Cause, if so, she needs to pull out the spare sheets.

Are you guys okay? You guys are, like, really sweaty.

Hey, Maggie, hypothetical question.

What would you do if your, I don't know, friend was kidnapped by a cult?

Depends. Are we talking Manson family, Rajneeshpuram,

or are we talking, like, Scientology?

-How do you-- -Well, if they were kidnapped,

I'd probably start with the cops.

- Is that a yes or no on the sheets?

So, you're telling me we've got an evil cult

right here in our town?

-A demonic cult. Yes. -I know it sounds crazy--

No. No, no, no, no.

We've actually received some very similar reports recently.

-You have? -Yeah.

Just yesterday, we had reports of a vampire

and a werewolf robbing the bank.

Okay, first off, they're called Lycans.

Second of all, vampires and Lycans are sworn enemies.

And, and third of all, it wasn't a full moon last night.

-So, that makes no sense. -You're not listening.

They killed a guy.

Wait. Mm.

You guys witnessed a murder?

-Yes. -Yes. They murdered an old man.

Shit.

-Go on. -Okay, so they surrounded him.

-And then this ball of light... -Super bright light, yeah.

...started coming out of his chest while he was floating up into the air.

He was like...

And then he just disappeared.

You don't understand.

We weren't talking about demonic horses.

I mean, it's a common misconception.

- Well, this is great. - Nana's gonna kill me.

They already killed one person.

What if they do that same weird orb thing to Dougie next?

I can't believe he didn't believe us. I mean,

we did the sound effects and everything.

I believe you.

It sounds like you boys need some help.

-Well, actually-- -No. Uh...

I know a man who has dedicated his entire life

to fighting what you've seen.

Only he can help you.

And it's you.

What? No, no, it's not me.

- Oh, well, we thought maybe you were getting out soon.

Oh, they're never letting me out of here.

Look.

Everything you need

is right here on this piece of paper.

Nope. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thank you.

Forget that.

Let's pretend that didn't happen.

Now, everything that you need is on this piece of paper.

Hitchens Farm?

Yes.

Wow, this is great.

Thank you so much.

-Well, that was lucky. -Are you kidding me?

-This is a crazy guy's doodle. -Oh, come on.

He's a little weird, but he seems genuine.

-He genuinely wants to murder us. -Please.

What did you boys say your names were?

- Oh. Yeah, it's not really important.

Ben and Dylan, your ride's here.

Oh, don't-- No, no, no, no. Don't,

don't write that down. No, please. Please.

I don't understand why you used your one call on me.

Well, Nana was still asleep.

But I knew you'd come through for me.

I did think it would just be you, though.

Yeah, and I thought I'd be in the front seat of my own car.

Well, if I knew you weren't driving, I wouldn't have called shotgun.

It's not really about who's driving, it's my own car.

-I should be in the front seat. -Honey pie. Honey pie.

-He did call shotgun. -I don't mind driving.

- If you wanna come up here, then Cody can sit in the back-- - Just--

-Where are we dropping you? -Hitchens Farm.

Oh, my God, we are not following that map.

You said it yourself, Dougie could be next.

And if there's someone out there that could...

You must be so confused.

- Let me explain. - I don't care.

Look, we should go home and tell my parents what happened

instead of following a map drawn by a crazy murderer.

He wasn't a murderer. He just said he wished he did.

Look, if the police didn't believe you, what makes you think your parents will?

-Do you remember the merchant from Gothic Slayers 2? -Of course I do,

-but what does that-- -He was the one that gave the map of blood to the heroes

that led them to the lair of the dark one.

Maybe that prisoner was our merchant.

-It's a game! -Based on truth.

-You remember what Derek said about knot theory. -Derek?

-The one that flunked fourth grade. -Yes. Well, so did you.

-That's very different. I had mono. -Well, I didn't know that,

so I flunked fourth grade. I thought we were flunking out together--

-I appreciate it, but you didn't have to flunk out. -I'm just saying--

Stop the car! Just stop it.

Out. Out, out. Out, out, out.

Out, out, out, out. Not you.

- Come on. - Oh.

Hey, wish you guys the best of luck with your friend or whatever.

Thanks, Babe.

- Dylan. Come on, man, have faith.

Can I say something? Perhaps this was a mistake.

You think? We are fully lost, dude.

It's not my fault. What kind of cornfield doesn't have signs

posted for directions?

Every single one that has ever existed.

God, I hate corn.

Let's just turn around.

I've been trying to turn us around for the last hour.

Hey, sorry, Mr. Crow, by hitting you with the corn.

It was an accident.

Fuck you!

Did that crow just curse at me?

Let's not escalate the situation.

Oh, fuck you!

Fuck me? Fuck you!

- Fuck you! Fuck you! - Dylan!

Relax, it's just one crow.

- What's he gonna do? - Fuck you!

What do you call a group of crows?

A murder of...

Oh, shit.

Hey, found it.

What is this place?

-Is that an original? -It might be.

Who the...

...who the fuck are you?

Uh, hi. We were told we could find you here.

-We need your help. -Who sent you?

- Whoa, dude, let's just calm down here, please.

Yeah, who do you work for?

Mini... Golf... Hut.

-I have a map! -Liar!

Show him the map! Show him the map!

I'm so sorry about before.

- I guess I just don't get too many visitors up here.

Do you have any lemonade to mix?

-Dude. -You say that body just... disappeared?

I know it sounds crazy, but, yeah.

No, it's all too real.

Your friend wasn't the first.

I'm afraid he surely won't be the last.

You know, the closer you come to understanding

what these people are all about,

the more danger your lives will be in.

It's why I've been forced to take up residence here.

'Cause they're allergic to corn.

No, because why would they look here?

What does a demonic cult want with our friend?

This cult has existed for thousands of years.

They worship Xynthelonor.

A powerful nether demon.

As a reward for their devotion, his followers are given powers

beyond your wildest imaginations.

However, Xynthelonor...

...cannot exist in our realm, not in his real true form.

He's forced to inhabit live vessels.

Every 30 years,

he needs to transfer to a new, fresher body.

What you witnessed last night

was the first part of that ceremony.

Tonight, they're gonna complete that ritual

by siphoning the demon into its new vessel.

Until then, Xynthelonor's soul is housed inside an orb,

and the cult is powerless.

It's his way of making sure they'll fulfill their end of the bargain.

Boys, they're gonna cram a demon up your friend.

-Oh, shit. -How'd you find all this out?

Internet.

We have one night to save your friend

and shut this cult down for good.

Did you just say "we"?

I've spent the last 30 years studying 'em.

Their ways, their beliefs, their weaknesses.

As long as we hit 'em while they're without their powers,

and with everything that's up here,

there's nothing that can stop us.

So, let's roll out.

Awesome. So, what's the plan?

We, we grab the orb and destroy it?

No, it's not that simple.

You can't just destroy the orb.

Oh, then what do we do?

Well, there's only one way to end this.

Listen carefully, 'cause this is important.

You--

Well done.

He will no longer be a threat.

What about the other two?

The fools?

They escaped.

Curse them.

If he managed to tell them about the orb...

Ah. We are vulnerable, yes,

but this could be just a test...

...to test our daughters' devotion.

We won't let you down, Father.

Um, yeah, we'll handle it, Eugene.

What? Do I really need to call him "Father"?

We are family, daughter.

Yeah, but, like, not really.

- Also, is it too much to ask to be called Chloe,

at least when we're alone?

-Sister's not committed. -Yes, I am, Rebecca.

If we are not your family, then who?

Those people that didn't love you?

Those people that threw you away as a child...

...like you were disposable?

Chloe, we took you in when you were at your lowest.

We loved you, and still do.

I'm sorry... Father.

What do you want us to do to them?

Oh.

They need to be taken care of permanently.

Discreetly.

You must be excited.

You finally get your powers tonight.

You've always shown such great promise.

Tonight, you will finally feel whole.

Oh, thank God.

We made it.

Oh dude, let's go.

-Oh, check it out. Grass angel. -Dylan.

In the past 24 hours,

I've seen an old man evaporate, learn that demons exist,

and witnessed someone get shot with a freakin' crossbow.

-I think I've earned a breather. -We're not safe out here.

We are fine, dude.

No one followed us. It's not like anyone knows where you live anyway.

Mom? Dad? Maggie?

There, we're inside. Can I lie down now?

- Come on, get it off of me! Get it off of me!

Get it off me!

Get it off of me!

Ow!

-Did you just hit me, bitch? -I'm, I'm sorry.

Please. No. No, no, no.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

She's twisting my titties!

Geneva Convention! Geneva Convention!

-Dylan! -She's twisting my nipples!

Little bitches!

What is going on here?

-Dylan, Ben, you better explain... -Mom, get out.

...why you never told us you had girlfriends.

-Mrs. Ben's mom, you've got to get out of here. -We didn't see anything.

-Mom, they're trying to kill-- -La, la, la, la, la.

I don't want to know the details.

But you two are staying for lunch.

Mom. Dad, you don't get it. They're trying to kill us.

Oh, I understand.

You don't know how many times your mom has tried to kill me.

Your necklace is so pretty.

Are those for a sorority?

-No, uh, it's a family heirloom. -Oh, okay.

So, where did you all meet?

- I... - Uh, well, uh--

-Oh, you should really take it. -No, no, no.

- You should really take this one.

Ah.

Uh, well, um,

we met at, uh, uh, a supermarket.

Uh, uh, they work there.

That, that's right. I was his cashier.

Really? Tell me.

How do you memorize all the produce codes?

I don't know. We just... do.

- She's really great at memorization. - -Oh.

I'm just, I'm just okay.

No, she's being modest. She's, she's really great.

Sweet and handsome.

What's a tomato?

Um, a, a vegetable?

- Uh, no, the code. - Oh.

-Um, five. -Wow.

-Incredible. -So, what do you all have planned for today?

We're going to murder them.

At mini golf.

Oh.

The boys have been working there for years.

But don't worry, Ben's looking at other jobs.

-Wait, what? -Oh, he hasn't told you?

He's been interviewing all around town.

- You have? - No.

-Uh, Dad, can you pass the ketchup? -Oh, sure.

Oh, don't be modest, sweetie.

He had an interview for a receptionist job

at Edward and Edward Law just last week.

What?

-Dude. -Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I, I'll help you with that. Uh, could you excuse us? Thanks.

- I, I'll help you clean that up. - Come on, man.

You know this is my last good work sweater!

Would anyone like more blue drink?

Come on. Come on, I'll give you a boost.

I don't think this is gonna come out.

Oh, we've gotta go.

Forget the sweater.

Some of us still care about our job.

-Get over here. -Wait.

I'm pretty sure a tomato's a fruit.

Let's get you up.

-Go. -Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

-To the left. -My left or your left?

-It's the same left. -Oh, right. Okay.

We have to be discreet. If we knock the door down,

they're going to know something's up.

Those fools? Fat chance.

Shut up. They were nice.

Listen, we gotta come up with something else.

Okay, maybe we can lure them out with leverage.

And pray tell, how do you expect to do that?

Pray tell, what century are you from?

Time out, time out. Time out, time out.

Sciatica. Sciatica.

-Are you okay? -Massage right there. Right there.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Ah, so nice of you to reappear

after sneaking off with the girls in the middle of lunch.

-Sorry, Mom. -Uh, don't tell me.

-I already know. -You do?

Look, I was young once too.

-Just remember, foreplay is important. -Oh, God, Mom.

Now, your father likes to take a blow dryer

and a frozen bag of peas.

-Mom. -Okay. Okay, okay.

-Oh. When do you think the girls will drop Maggie off? -What?

Well, they just stepped out with Maggie for some girl time

before your mini golf date later.

Don't let go of those two. They're keepers.

Ben.

Ben.

Do you not like working with me?

You want to talk about this right now?

Seriously, right now, after my sister was just abducted by a cult

that's probably going to kill her and our best friend?

But all you're concerned about is whether or not

I want to keep working at our dead-end jobs for the rest of our lives?

God forbid I want something more for us.

-Maybe I don't want more. -Well, good for you, Dylan.

Be king of the fucking Mini Golf Hut for all I care.

Sorry, dude.

No, you're right.

I'm sorry.

-So, what's our next move? -We know where they live.

Yeah, but if Gothic Slayers has taught us anything,

it's that you can't enter the lair until you're ready.

It's time to get ready, then.

Let's roll out.

Psst.

What are you doing?

Open the door.

I've got your six.

I got the six part.

- This is not what I pictured. - -It's weird, right?

Shouldn't there be, like, bones and coffins

-all over the place? -They're not vampires.

Yet.

Vampire!

There's nothing here, man.

It's like no one's lived here in 100 years.

Are you serious, man?

I told you to bring snacks.

Well, after you.

-I'm going as fast as I can. -Keep going.

- This is tight. - Yes, I know.

Would you hurry up? I get gassy when I'm claustrophobic.

Whoa.

-Maggie? Dougie? -Shh! Don't go screaming.

We're in the freakin' belly of the beast here.

Sorry. You're right.

Dude.

No way.

So, this ball contains the spirit of a demon

that's thousands of years old.

Something like that.

-Ass-basket! -Dude.

Come on, man, how many chances do you get

to tell an inter-dimensional being to fuck off?

You bitch-ass little bitch.

Okay, not super creative, but sure.

Girls!

Hide!

Where?

Girls?

What have I told you about keeping the fridge open?

You know your father is looking for you.

He's preparing the vessel for tonight.

Wait a minute.

Have those idiot boys been taken care of?

Excellent.

Now we must prepare for the coming of the bright Lord.

And I mustn't look anything less than presentable.

Girls, why don't you help me get re...

Holy shit, dude!

We just stole a demon! Oh, my God!

Don't mess with that thing.

-Whoa, I can hear it whispering. -For real?

- Worship me. I am from hell. - Dude.

- Fuck, dude, I almost swallowed it. - Can you help me

-focus on figuring out where Maggie and Dougie are? -Dude, Maggie's fine.

They only took her to lure us out. It's not like they're gonna kill her.

-They're not gonna kill her. -Why would you say that? Well, now it's stuck

-in my head. Fuck. -I'm just saying

the one in real danger right now is Dougie.

She said they were taking him to be prepared.

Well, that could be anywhere.

Did that insignia on her necklace look familiar to you?

-I mean, it kind of just looked like graffiti. -Oh, yeah. That's it.

Yeah, it's just graffiti that I've seen. Oh, great, Dylan.

Well, I don't know. Look, can we just celebrate for, like, two seconds

that we stole the orb? I mean, think about it.

If we have this, we have the upper hand.

We are in control.

Dude.

I'm a genius.

Damn it.

-Must've missed the right hours. -What? They're always open.

No, it's a 6-10. They're open six hours a week, ten times.

That can't possibly be right.

We've gotta find a way in there.

-Oh. Okay. No. -Okay. That's good. Yep.

Your butt.

-Use the head meat. -Stop saying "head meat."

Use the skull to lift me! Use the...

Are you okay?

Yeah. Totally stuck the landing.

Uh, do you see a way in?

Found it. I got it from here.

Ooh, loose change. Don't mind if I do.

Man, I really need to work out more.

Action jump.

Action slide.

Action kick.

Oh, fuck!

Quit screwing around and hurry.

Action hurry.

Well, that was easy.

You've got to be kidding me.

Fuck you!

God, these freakin' crows. I said I was sorry.

Bitch boy. Bitch boy.

Who's teaching you this language?

All right, I don't have time for this.

Shit!

Literally.

You know you're paying for that, right?

-You're welcome. -Where'd they go?

The backroom. I don't know, man,

they rushed in, and I tried to stop them, they tied me up.

-What's back there? -I don't know, man. I just work here.

-You look like an idiot. -Oh, thanks. Yeah. Yeah.

-Let's go. -Yeah.

Yo. Hey, yo.

So, y'all, y'all just gonna leave...

What a-- I swear to God.

Oh, my God.

-Oh, dude. -Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Dougie.

He's breathing. Come on. He's still breathing. Come on.

Why'd you turn your flashlight off?

Why'd you turn my flashlight off?

How would I have turned your flashlight off?

You are not the first to resist my master.

We've encountered many adversaries in my time,

and I have to admit that you are the least threatening

-that I've ever come across. -Rude.

I implore you boys to reconsider your position.

My order has existed for millennia.

And you, you are merely putt-putt employees.

It's mini golf, asshole.

Destiny has decided

you will not win this fight.

I'm not trying to ruin anyone's destiny.

We just want our friend back.

Your friend is our destiny.

Oh, my God! Kick him! Kick him!

- I got him! I got him! - Kick him where it hurts!

It's me. It's me.

Power is reserved for his most faithful servant.

You will not stop us.

-Get up. Get up. Let's go. Let's go. -Come on. Come on. Come on.

Hey. Hey, so, y'all--

Hey, in some way, this right here is racist.

I'm telling you, I know it.

-Did you see where he went? -No, I don't know.

Wait. Is that him?

-He's in good shape. -Yeah.

-Ben, help! -Hush.

-We have to go after her. -But what about--

Dylan, please!

Shit.

I, I know a shortcut.

-They don't know when to quit. -They've seen too much, and who knows who they've told.

Father will have to enact the ritual of purification

-and cleanse the entire town. -Destroy the whole town?

I say we start with the kid!

Oh.

Ram them, sister! End it!

They're going to stop, right?

Say goodbye to your brother, child.

- Hello? - Oh, uh...

You will rue the day.

Your girlfriends suck!

-We got to get somewhere safe. -Oh, but shit, they know where we live.

Don't worry, I know just the place.

Jesus Christ.

You're kidding, right?

Nice place.

It's just how I pictured it.

Thanks.

Would you mind grabbing us some waters?

Sure.

Who was at the door, cutie?

Hey, guys.

- Um, could you grab us some waters? - -No problemo.

Ooh, how about some chips?

D-man, hey, you a salt and vinny kind of guy?

-Yes. -Huh? What's that? I didn't...

Yes. Thank you.

I can't get enough of this little goober.

God, this fucking guy.

Are you guys okay?

You, um...

- You kinda look like shit, and you smell.

I know. It's been a crazy two days.

- We've been battling-- - Babysitting.

We've been babysitting.

She's a wild one.

-What? No, no. Our friend was kidna-- -kidney stoned.

Our friend has kidney stones.

It's really bad.

He may not make it.

Well, sorry to hear that.

Um, I'm just going to check on the waters.

-We can trust her. -We barely know her.

Oh, wow. I don't even know how to respond to that.

Look, the less that people know, the better.

Yeah, until they slaughter the town.

They're not gonna slaughter the town.

That's what they said in the car.

They said you two knew too much,

and "Father will want the town purified."

Everything's fine.

Cool.

Glad to hear it.

Ben.

Are you okay?

-Um, where's your bathroom? -Down the hall.

Mm. It's good water.

-Uh, filtered? -Nope.

Hm.

He's gonna kill the whole town. The whole town, murdered.

Get it together, Ben.

It's gonna be all right. Right?

So, they were the flim-flams, now they're the lemon treasures,

but that's the same cookie, right?

-Essentially, yeah. -Does the chocolate whip come up a little higher?

- We've gotta go. - What?

You sit your butt right down, Ben. I ordered a pizza for us all.

Oh, uh, I'm lactose intolerant.

- You're not lactose intolerant-- - She's one of them.

All righty. Well, we should really get going.

What? No way, man.

I mean, I never thought I'd say this, but I think Dylan's right.

-You guys should really stay here. -Let go of him.

-Dude. -What's your problem?

- It's not safe here. - Relax, man.

You don't need to whisper. I told her everything.

-You told her? -Yeah.

Really wish you hadn't done that.

- Oh, what the fuck? - Crossbow.

- What are you doing? - Over with them.

The cornfield. That was you.

Yes.

You can't imagine Father's joy when he learned

that I had finally silenced that coward.

You know, I guess I owe you a thanks for leading me right to him.

Move.

You really don't have to kill us.

Me? No, no, no.

See, when my Lord rises tonight, he will want to personally

dispose of the fools who tried to ruin everything.

Dude, you suck so much.

I suck?

You know, she makes fun of you when you're not around.

Cody, stop.

Maybe I should just... end them now.

Salt and vinny in my eyes!

Oh, my God!

- Come on, guys, go! - Come on, come on.

He shot my butt.

He shot my butt. He shot my butt!

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. Hurry up.

- You got him? - Yup.

-Holy shit dude, you were really shot. -Pull it out. Pull it out.

Our Ladybug leader said if you get impaled by a foreign object

-and you remove it, you can bleed out in minutes. -Leave it in!

- Leave it in! - Shut up, he's coming.

Oh, you got a lot of nerve, D-man!

With my own salt and vinny too!

What is that?

Dylan, do you have your backpack?

Oh, fuck!

Hey, that's two times I owe you now, D-man!

Fuck.

-Uh, Dylan, can you stand up? -Yeah, I think so.

Good. All right, we gotta go after him.

Are you out of your mind? I need to go to the hospital.

You're fine. Come on. We can't let them win.

Win? This isn't a game, Ben.

You're the one who said it was like Gothic Slayers.

Yeah, not anymore. We're doomed.

We wouldn't be if you hadn't dropped

the freakin' orb out there.

-Oh, you're just gonna give up? -Yeah. I'm gonna take a page out of your stupid book

-and I'm gonna give up. -What does that even mean?

You, your new law career. You're gonna give up on the Mini Golf Hut and on me.

Okay, first of all, it was just one interview,

and, uh, look, they don't even want to give me that manager position.

Shut up!

You know, I've been thinking about that.

There is no way, no freakin' way

they wouldn't give you that job because you try harder

and give more shits about that place than anyone else.

So, if you would've applied, they would have given it to you.

But you didn't, did you? You didn't even apply.

Why?

'Cause I knew if I took that job, I'd never leave.

-I'd be there for the rest of my life. -You'd be there

-with your friends. People who care about you. -Doing what?

Doing the same thing over and over.

Uh, playing video games, eating ice cream.

-Playing putt-putt, like a freaking loser. -It's mini golf.

I'm out.

-Where are you going? -Home. Nana hasn't seen me in two days.

Dylan...

Don't look at my butt.

I have to say,

your incompetence is very impressive.

You weren't able to capture them either.

I was securing the vessel.

All you had to do was kill two boys.

Had I known that they had possession of the orb,

-I would have killed them on the spot. -So, why didn't you?

-Watch your tongue, child. -Silence.

They just waltzed...

...into our sanctuary

and took our master

right underneath your nose!

Bested by two suburbanite minimum wage dipshits!

They're not as dumb as you think they are.

Where have you been?

You will always be my greatest disappointment.

Oh, my boy.

You've done it.

- Are you proud of me? - I am so proud.

Good work.

Oh, my God.

That's going to leave a mark.

That is definitely going to leave a mark.

Awesome.

Oh, no! Watch out! The demonic alien zombies are right in front of us!

Quick, go to slo-mo.

Watch out.

Watch out.

So cold.

I can't feel my legs.

By the way, I'm dead.

You bastards!

He was two days from retirement!

We're such good friends.

We're going to be best friends forever.

You bet we are.

Shit.

Okay, we'll be safe here.

You can relax.

But not too relaxed.

You never know.

Oh, hey, Craig.

Everyone okay?

-Jenny? -I just can't believe

I was dating a psychopathic cult member.

Let's maybe figure out where the cult's meeting

and then maybe later we can dissect

your relationship with a murderer.

Did he ever mention anything cult-y?

Not really.

He mainly just liked staring deeply into each other's eyes.

Barf.

-I know. -Great.

So we have no ideas.

You know, I've never seen him like that before.

-Who, Cody? -No, Dylan.

Oh, he can be a real jerk when he wants to be.

-Okay, I wouldn't call him a jerk. -Oh, yeah?

Then what did you call him to Cody?

Called him immature.

Called him obsessive. Nerdy.

That sounds right.

Okay, but he's also kind.

And, don't tell him, but, like, funny in his own weird way.

And he's loyal to his friends.

Not really.

Okay, look, Ben.

I have never had a friend care enough about me

to call me out on my shit like he did for you.

-Ben's getting red. -Oh, shit. Red.

Um, Cody mentioned something about wanting

to take me somewhere once. He called it, um, the red...

-Oh, it was, it was the red something. The red something. -Oh, this is great.

-Red something. Okay. This is a great start. -Yes. Um...

-Red-- -Something red.

-Anyone? There's no wrong answers here. -Mm.

-Fire truck! -Fi--

-fi-- fire truck? -You said there was no wrong answers.

-Well, congrats. You found the only one. -Red onion!

-Two. -Red Grove.

I'm not trying to fight you.

-Who the hell are you? -Ben's girlfriend.

-She's not my girlfriend. -I'm not his girlfriend.

-What are you doing here? -I'm trying to help you.

-Your friend is in trouble. -Yeah, no shit.

-Not Dougie. -Dylan?

They've got him tied up at the house. He's being prepared

as an offering for Xynthelonor.

If you wanted to help us, you'd tell us where the Red Grove is.

North side of the town, in the woods, behind the football field.

Why are you so quick to tell us?

Because it doesn't matter if you know where it is.

- You can't win. - Yes, we can.

We're going to save Dougie, save the town,

and then maybe we'll go save that deserter.

There's no way you're going to save this town.

The only thing you can do is save Dylan

and get as far away from here as you can.

Trust me, you don't want to cross my father.

I've already been here for too long, so...

Why don't you stay and help us?

I'm in too deep.

Can't turn away now, so...

What, you can't turn away from four people?

It's not four people.

It's an army.

Okay, let's go.

You know how to get to the house?

-We're not going to that house. -She just said

the plan was hopeless.

You know how to sew, right?

-Whoa. Not cool. -Frickin dork.

We're gonna need robes if we're gonna blend in with an army.

Dylan would save you.

- All right, Maggie's done with the robes.

-So we should probably get going. -Mm-hm.

To face almost certain death.

Game over.

Shit.

Thought you were good at video games.

I did too.

Stop! Stop!

-Oh, you want me to stop? -Yes. It tickles.

Oh, people always say that they hate that part, but I think they're lying.

-Are you done yet? -Hey.

Did Pope Julius II rush Michelangelo

with the Sistine Chapel? Don't answer that.

I don't know what you are talking about,

but if you paint my...

Shh. Hush, hush.

-I look amazing. -Thank you.

I was originally a landscape artist.

-A little abstract for me, but I'll take what I can get. -Oh.

Ah, would you look at the time?

Look at that. Come, come, it is time for you to die.

- Hey. - Ben.

-Let him go. -Rapscallions.

-Dylan, are you okay? -Do not speak to the offering.

-You're outnumbered three to one. -Oh, look who can count.

Well, I bet you weren't counting on this.

I can take you three with my eyes closed.

Oh, I can smell the fear.

-What's your deal? -He wanted to be a landscape artist.

Quiet! I have been given the sacred task of preparing

the offering's runes, and I will not have it ruined.

I am the rune painter.

And that's just the last line on a long resume.

- I've fought centaurs, I've rode a manticore.

Down, boy, I'm the captain.

I've crossed bridges the trolls swore

they'd never let anyone traverse.

I'm the reason the Cyclops has only one eye.

I stole the wax wings off of Icarus, flew them into the sky

and punched the sun in its taint.

So, the last thing I'm ever gonna allow

is for you three to--

- Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

-You okay? -Yeah.

You know me, no big deal.

Oh.

Um, thanks.

-I, I gotta talk to you. -No, I need to talk to you.

-I'm sorry. -I'm sorry. Dude, no.

I didn't mean what I said. You're my best friend.

I'm always gonna want to hang out with you.

I've never thought you were a loser.

You were right, we have no chance in hell

of beating them and stopping Xynthelonor.

No, dude, you were right.

This town, it's worth saving.

He's right. It's too late.

Shut it.

He doesn't have his powers yet. That, that means there's still time.

-That's right. -I have the power of imagination.

Ow.

Are we doing this?

Let's do it.

Whoa.

Maggie, let's practice for the bird call badge

after we defeat the evil cult.

Hey, how's it going? Good evening.

-Hello. -Yeah, wow.

Hi. Hi.

- Excuse me. - Hey, how ya doing? Good to see you.

Oh, uh, nah, nah, she's underage, but, uh...

Uh, and we, we feel like we've got this cold coming on,

so we probably shouldn't, but thank you.

Look.

We have to get back there.

- Looks like a way backstage. - Yeah.

-Hey, Maggie, stay here. -Okay, cool.

I'll just stay here alone with the weird, brainwashed people.

Good call.

-Shit. -What? What?

It's Cody. God.

How are we gonna get past him?

I'll distract him. You guys find a way around, okay?

-Okay. -Okay.

-Jenny, what are you doing here? -Hey, hey, hey.

Look, I've been thinking a lot about our relationship,

and I think I messed up.

It was fun, wasn't it?

Well, yeah.

We could, um, we could keep having fun together.

What are you, what are you saying?

I want to join you.

Oh, Jenny, I knew you were the one.

No, no, no, no, no.

I want you to initiate me right here, right now.

Oh. Oh, of course.

- Drink the sacred mixture. - Yum.

Thank you.

Damn it.

Oh, shit!

You!

Prick.

Hey, folks.

Uh, you're probably wondering what I'm doing here.

Mm-hm. Yeah, well, it's, uh, it's a funny story.

I'm here to be sacrificed, so...

You know what? I think, I think I'm early.

I'm definite-- Yeah, I'm early, so I'll come back.

I'll come back.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

Oh, you come in here with your fake robes.

You really thought that you could come in here and stop us?

I did warn you... that destiny was not on your side.

But now the three of you can be the first offerings to Xynthelonor.

It is done.

- Excellent work, my disciple. - Thank you, sir.

How good it feels to be in a youthful body once more.

Oh.

My children...

...you've brought me back again...

...and for that,

you are rewarded.

My children,

it appears this town is not as safe for us as it once was.

The time has finally come.

For generations, we have waited in the shadows,

slowly building our strength.

And now...

...it is time to show the world just how truly powerful we are.

Let this town be the first of many to fall

- in the name of Xynthelonor and his children!

Destroy the town!

Well, go already.

Come along, children.

Where are my young acolytes?

Here are your new servants, sire.

My daughters.

Oh... my children.

We are a family now.

Oh, my Devil. It is such an honor, sire.

I am, like, your biggest fan.

And are you, like, my biggest fan too?

Oh, uh, definitely. Of course.

Hm.

Who do we start with?

Wait.

Which one of you called me an ass-basket while I was in the orb?

Dougie, please.

We have a volunteer.

-Maggie! -Who the fuck is that?

After her!

- Right. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Not you.

She's just a little girl. We have other business to attend to.

What is she doing?

- Jinx. - Dude.

Who wants to go first?

Me. Me. Me.

You.

Yes.

Close your eyes

and channel all of the energy into your hands and...

...strike.

-Fuck, fuck, fuck. -Oh, my God.

I just want to say, if I had to die

next to anyone, I would want it to be you.

-You too, man. -I was talking to Jenny.

Do it.

Kill them.

Useless.

Once I take care of them, I'll take care of you.

Then I'll be Father's favorite.

We're dead.

We're not dead?

We're not?

What happened?

You wretched piece of...

Shit.

We have to save your sister.

They're going to kill her.

Where do you think you're going?

You chose them over your own family?

You are not my family!

After everything we did for you?

So be it.

Get down!

No!

Whoa.

Jenny? How did you do that?

Did you drink from the chalice?

Hm.

-Let's kick his ass. -Shit!

Hyah!

-We've got to do something. -I've got an idea.

A little help from some old friends.

What are you talking about?

Crows!

Holy shit. I can't believe that worked.

Brothers, we've had our differences in the past,

but the time has come.

We must aid in the fight against--

-Ow! God! -They're not our bros! They're not our bros!

There's nowhere else to run, little one.

Give us the orb and I'll kill you fast.

-Who are you? -We're the Ladybugs.

Bitch.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, my murder hand. - Yup.

Get him, Jenny.

KO!

Nice.

-Don't do that. -Okay, what about...

No. Just, nothing.

Jenny.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, come on!

Yes!

How can you be winning?

You're just putt-putt employees!

It's mini golf.

Ben!

Ben.

Are you okay?

Ben, I have the orb.

-Ben, take the orb. -What am I supposed to do with it?

- Save him, stupid. - -Because of your continued insolence,

I'm going to rip the soul from your pathetic body

piece by piece!

- Prepare to feel the wrath of Xynthelonor!

I will not let you harm my Lord!

Be the ball. Be the ball. Be the ball.

Dylan?

Dylan?

Did we win?

I'll take that as a yes.

-Dude! -You did it!

We did it! Did you think I had any chance of getting that orb to you?

No.

Not so fast.

Now you will suffer.

Is it a bouncy ball?

Oh!

- What's happening? - Dougie!

My neck is killing me.

-Oh! -We'll explain everything.

What, what is going on there?

Oh, she?

She helped save your life.

Oh, rad.

Uh, but I actually meant what's going on there?

Xynthelonor!

Why have you forsaken me?

- No, that, that I can't explain. - Get back here, bitch!

All right. There you go.

-Thank you. -Mm-hm.

-There you go. -Chocolate!

Chocolate. Yeah.

Aw.

- Hey. - Hey.

One twist, extra small cup.

A kiddie cup?

- Shut up. - He knows what he likes.

So... last night...

Pretty intense.

I did not think I'd make it out of there alive.

What? My Nana's not that bad.

She threatened to pistol whip me if I hurt you.

Better not, then.

Don't worry, I won't.

You know, you and Nana actually remind me a lot of each other.

Oh, my God. Next.

Damn it.

You're still a dork in my book.

Same time tomorrow?

Oh, you're going down, putt-putt boy.

Hey, it's mini golf.

Dude, you beat them again? What happened?

- I don't know, something just clicked.

Hey, no running.

You're not the boss of me.

Oh, sorry.

-Hey. -Hey.

-Hey. -Hey.

-I'll take that... -Oh.

...Mr. Manager.

So, how are you liking the new job?

Great. Thanks for putting in a good word for me.

Yeah. Yeah, no doubt. No doubt.

-Um, I was wondering...

...if you didn't have plans tonight, that maybe--

I'm actually going to a séance.

Oh, really? That's awesome.

No, no. Like, I'm just fucking with you.

- Oh. No, I don't have any plans.

Oh, cool. Um, 'cause there was this, um,

thing that's happening, and I was wondering if maybe--

-I'd love to. -Really?

That's awesome. I'll, uh, I'll, I'll pick you up.

Yeah.

-I'll, uh, see you later. -Oh.

Dude. Dude!

-Yes! Dude! -Yes!

Good job, losers.

This calls for celebration.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Keep the change.

Well, thank ya.

Appreciate ya.

- Okay, double dates every Friday night.

That's usually Jenny and my movie night,

so we can rotate who's in charge of popcorn, drinks, candy.

Let's see how tonight goes before we make any long-term plans.

-Yeah? -This is great.

I knew she'd say yes.

I'm happy for you, man.

I'm happy for you, too.

You know what, I should probably get going.

Yeah, me too.

-Did you just see-- -Nope.