Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in Gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Cassandra, my little cherry blossom,

I give you... The inner me.

What are these?

My baby teeth!

Look at those widdy biddy little incisors, huh?

Aah!

Hey, whoop, doop, no, careful!

What if the tooth nymph's nearby? Eww.

Good morning, class,

and a glorious morning it is.

Ahh, sweet air. Intoxicating.

What's with him?

Today, my budding inventists,

we begin on the chopulator.

This device will easily reduce any object into much smaller bits.

It mixes, minces, dices, slices.

Its practical applications in the kitchen alone are limitless.

Ahh, isn't that a beautiful sound?

It reminds me of a poem I wrote last night.

She is the fulcrum to my lever,

The axle to my wheel,

the pull to my pulley.

Her love is the steam engine of mine soul,

the fire to mine boiler, the tender to mine furnace.

What was with your dad today?

He's usually all...

"Absent minds equal absent fingers."

- But today... - Giving us a poetry assignment?

Oh, that's just part of his interdisciplinary approach to teaching.

Ahh, that explains a lot.

Ho ho, should have known.

The giddiness, the humming.

What? What are you guys talking about?

Daedalus is is love.

Love is a strong word,

but he does have a healthy respect for his career.

Not with his career, with a lady.

Uh! What? What lady?

Miss Thespis? No...

She's just his companion for slow dances,

moonlit walks, and candlelight dinners.

Not a girlfriend.

Then how do you explain that?

Miss Thespis, my steam engine,

I give you the inner me!

Oh, a baby-teeth necklace.

Sweet Apollo on a flaming chariot!

They're in love!

Hey, Icarus, are you OK?

Cassandra, a little resuscitation here.

He'll live.

What is my Dadalus doing?

This is gonna break my mom's heart.

Mmm, Icarus, haven't your parents been divorced for years?

Look, just because they moved into separate homes,

live separate lives, and went through some legal hoo-haa,

doesn't mean that they don't love each other.

So you don't acknowledge or accept your parents' divorce?

Poor Momalus, I have to tell her.

Better she hear it from me than out there on the streets.

Hercules, talk to him.

Um, Icarus, is it possible you're overreacting... Just a bit?

I mean, Miss Thespis is very nice.

Uh! Ohh! Taking the home wrecker's side?

Oh, and you call yourself friends.

You make me sick!

Well, I'm through with you, turncoats!

Herc, uh, my mom lives all the way in Ithaca.

I don't suppose you could give me a ride on your Horsy?

Heh, sure.

Your mom owns this?

Yeah.

She's a mover and a shaker.

Yoo hoo, Momalus!

Is that my baby boy?

My sweet icky?

Oh, jeez, Ma, you look great.

Flatterer.

You must be hercules.

Icarus has told me all about you.

He says you're a big hero.

Oh, well, you know, hero-in-training.

Keep with it. Maybe someday we'll put you on a vase.

I started this business from scratch.

Back then, I ran it out of my house,

made all the pottery myself.

Now I own six factories all over Greece.

Of course, I couldn't have done it without my little Icky.

Heh heh. He works for me every summer.

Inspector 42 at your service. Ha ha.

So, what brings my Icky all the way to Ithaca?

Oh, well, I was just...

There's something you wanna tell me, right?

I can't. I just can't.

Herc, be a dear.

Uh, Daedalus is dating someone.

Aah!

It stabs me like a knife!

Be strong, Momalus.

Daedalus? Dating?

Finally! Ha ha! Tell me everything.

Maybe you're being a little too strong, Momalus.

I thought he'd never find anyone.

Your father's a genius with everything but women.

What? Well, but doesn't it stab you like a knife?

Ohh... Aw, sweetie,

I know it can't be easy seeing your parents apart,

but sometimes two people just can't make it together.

Your Dadalus loves you. Your Momalus loves you.

You're very lucky.

Give your father a chance for happiness.

He deserves it.

Well, she took that pretty well.

That Miss Thespis!

She's not gonna get away with this.

She can't take my daddy away from me.

Oh, wait. OK, so this has nothing to do with your mom.

You're afraid Miss Thespis

will come between you and your father.

- You're jealous. - Jealous? Ha ha!

That's a laugh...

And don't accuse me of some evil, diabolical plan

to get rid of Miss Thespis.

Evil, diabolical plan?

Did I jump ahead?

Icarus, you're not gonna do something stupid, are you?

Why, no!

Hey, you're laughing evilly.

Oh, I mean, ah ha ha ha. Better?

I'm the happiest man alive.

Me, too.

I mean, the happiest woman, not the...

Oh, you know what I'm saying.

Hey... get out, Miss Thespis!

Dadalus... Feel free to stay!

Ooh!

Oww!

Charley horse! Ow, man!

Icarus!

I can explain.

Oh! Oh, Icarus, That was the most...

Brilliant bit of theater I have ever seen.

The mood was so authentic.

Oh, go on.

Ya don't think the ghost flying around part

was, uh, over the top, do ya?

Oh, no! It... It was completely believable.

Uh, at least until the cramp.

What you really need is a little dance training.

Watch.

And ta-da!

We call it en-dehors.

It's all in the legs.

Teach me, teach me, teach me!

Hmm. Tell you what.

I'll teach you a few dance moves

if you help me direct the next school play.

Me? A director?

Yes, it's the chance I've dreamed of.

Yes, it'll be nice to work together,

especially now that we're going to be a family.

You are so right. With my talent and your...

Uh! Family?

That's right. I proposed this evening.

Thespis and I are to be married.

Aah!

Icarus, you can't stay in there forever.

Yes, I can!

I'm not coming out, and you can't make me!

Oh, crud!

It's not the end of the world.

Oh, it's not?

Well, thanks! Easy for you to say.

You haven't lost your family!

Well, you know, you're not losing your family.

It's... it's just getting bigger.

Oh, OK, look, all I want is a Dadalus and a Momalus.

Hey, you'll have that and more.

Between gods and mortals, I've got four parents.

Oh, Herc, what I'd do for a simple solution out of this mess.

Hey, Pandora,

do ya own anything that isn't jammed

with all the miseries that torment mankind?

Eh, not really. It's my thing.

Hey, wait a minute. That's it!

Hey, you're laughing evilly again!

Oh, right. I meant, ah ha ha. Better?

Get back.

Get back and stay back!

Pandora, hi!

Look, sorry if I seemed rude earlier,

pressure at home, you know.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah. Ya know what?

I know next to nothing about ya.

And doggone it, I'm curious.

So I'm curious. I couldn't help myself.

I saw the box. I opened the box.

How was I to know it would unleash misery on the world?

Ho, easy there. I hear ya.

Bit of a nosy rosy myself.

For example, oh, say...

The janitor's closet, what's in there?

What exotic secrets does it hold?

How about you, Pandora?

Ever wonder about the janitor's closet?

- No, I don't wonder, ever. - Oh, come on.

You never wonder what's behind the door?

Mops and buckets? Maybe.

Or maybe, just maybe, there's something more.

Something enticing.

I know you, Pandora.

You can't stand the curiosity.

It's like an itch ya have to scratch!

You must know what's behind the door!

Yes! Oh, yes, I must know!

Hey, Icarus,

There's nothing in here but mops and buckets.

Like candy from a baby, baby.

Pandora's lunch box is mine, all mine!

Icarus, you are handling this really, really well.

Yeah, if I wasn't having constant visions of disaster,

I'd say you've come to accept it.

Oh, pish posh. No doom lies ahead.

Everything's gonna be perfect.

Icarus...

Help me with this confounded clasp.

Sure, Dadalus.

Son, I'm a little concerned.

You've seemed less than enthused about Miss Thespis.

Well, if you're referring

to the ghost incident, relax.

That was just the sad prank of a confused boy.

I'm over it.

Splendid. We shall make one happy family.

Yes... one... Happy... family!

Uh, son, that's a little tight.

Uh, whoops! Sorry, Dadalus. That's me.

Aphrodite's here.

♪ Aphrodite, Aphrodite, Aphrodite ♪

♪ The goddess of love ♪

Whew! Uhh!

But it is so clammy in there.

I would love to lose the shell,

but, ya know, people always want it for weddings and la-la.

Hi. So, look at you.

I'm guessing, what, bride and groom?

OK, come here.

Now, when I ask "will you?"

You say, "I will."

I ask, "do you?" You say, "I do."

I just keep it easy because, ya know,

people in love have a hard time

following very complicated directions.

So, all right, well, let's get to it.

- Icarus? - Uhh!

I just want you to know,

I am so honored to be a part of your family.

You and your father mean the world to me.

Oh, uh... OK.

Uh... yeah.

Hmm... Stick with the original evil plan

or accept this new wrinkle in my life?

Hmm? Uh, uh, carry the two... Evil plan.

OK, did that. Did that. Went well. Did that. Hmm. Hmm.

Well, I guess... oh, no, the ring! Oh, got one?

Right here! Miss Thespis, this is for you.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ha ha!

Icarus, what are you doing?

I'm untying this nuptial knot, baby!

Fly, my miseries, fly!

Miseries? Oh, no.

Yeah, I have heard about these guys.

Yes, yeah, OK. Each one is a different...

You know, well, miserable thing.

Ooh, yeah, mm-hmm, there's gossip. Actually, kinda fun.

Did you hear Mrs. Pygmalion is made of clay?

It's true, every word.

Ooh, that's greed. Yuck!

And, oof... whoa! Bad breath! Oof!

OK, yeah, I'm up to speed, but how do we stop them?

We? Excuse me, I'm the love goddess.

You're the hero-in-training.

Unh! OK, how do I stop them?

I dunno, the lunch box thingy worked OK.

After I take care of this,

we are going to have a serious talk.

Oh, yeah, sure.

He spends his time with the other miseries.

Come back here!

Uh-oh. Better lay low.

I think that's all of them.

OK, let me guess.

Somebody is having acceptance issues.

She's trying to steal you away from me, Dadalus!

Kissy, kiss, kiss, and Icarus is out of the picture!

No. Oh, Icarus. It's not that way at all.

I... I promise.

Icarus, you sound like a crazy person.

I know I say that a lot, but this time I mean it.

You always mean it.

OK, but this time I mean it mean it.

I know your kind, missy Miss Thespis.

You are a gold digger!

Jumping the claim I have on my pa!

OK, I hate to interrupt such an immature tirade,

but that there is kind of worrying me.

That? Jealousy, please. I have a name. Let's use it!

Hey, look, Icarus, I'm behind you 100%, bro.

I listen, I don't judge. Just go on, please.

Well, what is it that makes a person think

that they can just horn in on an already perfect family unit?

It's a sickness, what can I say.

Ooh, boy. Ooh, jealousy's feeding on his emotions.

And the way Icarus is going, that thing is gonna bloat.

I'll stop him.

I mean, why do we need her?

We were perfectly happy before she came along.

Aah!

What, are you kidding me? She's taking your dad away!

Yes, sir.

That's what I'm saying. Sing it loud, sing it proud.

Icarus! Can't you see? He's feeding off you.

Oh, please!

All I see is everyone turning against me

and turning towards her.

Everybody except my new bestest buddy, jealousy.

And as far as feeding off me, well, that's fine!

'Cause I'd rather... aah!

Sweet Apollo on a flaming chariot!

Icarus has been consumed by jealousy.

Not bad. Uh, a little Icky.

Wait a minute. He was the best man, right?

Oh, fine! Now who's going to give the toast?

Hey! Let me out of here!

Icarus, remain calm!

Yes, your father and I will get you out.

Oh, well, on second thought...

I like it in here!

Oh, it's humid, sure, but I like it!

I'm not coming out until Miss Thespis leaves... forever!

Can you talk some sense into him?

I'm a demi-god, not a miracle worker.

I'd better go in after him.

Wait. You're going into that guy?

Gross.

I shall accompany you.

Me, too.

You'd better hurry.

If jealousy completely consumes Icarus,

he'll be lost forever.

Uh, define completely.

Well, once he reaches the stomach,

it's, ya know... eww.

Right. Cassandra, you stay here

and keep jealousy occupied.

Open up!

Oh, no, come on. I'm full. I couldn't eat another...

Ow!

Hey, come on. I'm jealousy.

Come on, gluttony is over at the echo/narcissus wedding.

All right. Occupy him.

Hey.

Uh, hey.

So, uh, you, uh, you a friend of the, uh,

the bride or the... or the groom?

After this? Neither.

Heh heh. Yeah, cool.

Son, move away from the esophagus.

Well, if it isn't little miss take-my- daddy-away-from-me.

Icarus, your father loves me,

but I could never, ever replace you.

Oh, but that won't stop you from trying, will it, sister?

Unh!

Icarus, get off the uvula!

I'll get off the uvula when she... Aah!

Icarus!

You OK?

Yeah, yeah, it's... I'm fine.

It's just... OH, that's gonna repeat on me.

Yeah, I'm cool. So, go on.

Oh, yes, anyway, so, like,

people are always confusing me with... With envy.

I mean, sometimes I just wanna shout,

ya know, "People, you're envious of what someone has!"

You're jealous of a rival!" is that so hard?

Unh! Not unless you're a bonehead.

Thank you! Thank you!

Somebody finally grasps the...

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, it's, uh, just someone I ate.

Go on, what were you saying?

Help!

Hang on, buddy. We're coming to get ya!

This should allow for maximum dynamic efficiency

and a good flossing for the monster.

Going up?

Oh, buddy.

OK, I got him.

- Embarrassed? - No.

- Should be. - Well, I'm not.

Well, ya should.

Well, I'm not.

Icarus! You are returned to me in a healthful condition.

Icarus, say you're sorry to Miss Thespis.

For what? Did I steal her family?

Oh, Icarus, it's not like that, honey.

Don't call me honey! And another thing...

Whoa! What's going on out there?

Good thinking. Yeah, this'll keep him occupied.

Not again!

Aah!

I don't wanna digest!

Oof!

En-dehors. It's all in the legs.

Wow. You saved me.

I mean, you could've had Dadalus all to yourself.

I was almost out of the picture.

Eey!

Oh, Icarus, I don't want you out of the picture.

I want to be in the picture with you.

Whew! That was a close one.

No, Herc, I was never in any danger.

Because my new step-Momalus was looking out for me!

I never thought I'd say this about a monster, but...

Shh. Ya don't have to say it.

I feel it, too. Ya know, I... ow!

Go, guys!

Ya know, you guys really have a lousy sense of timing.

Wait, wait, you're all growing. You, oh, oh, great.

Guess he's got nothing to feed on, huh?

Someone lost all their jealousy, didn't they?

Uh-huh. I'm 100% jealousy free.

All right, into the box.

Hang on a second. I'd like a little closure.

So, uh... So, uh, so, I'll see you around, huh?

Actually, I think this might be it.

OK, cool. Well, ya know,

if ya wanna get a hold of me,

ya know, I'm in the box. So...

Hey, wait a minute!

You two were an item?

You, listen to me, buddy, I saw her first! She's mine!

OK, ya know what?

Hey, maybe we should have the wedding, like now.

Right, right now.

Ha ha. Right-ee-o.

Commence the nuptials, baby!

You may kiss the bride. Smooch away!

Off to the honeymoon!

Oh, come here, Dadalus, step-Momalus.

One big happy family... Hmm, what a picture.