Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Hah-hah! That's it.

Ha! Get 'em with a left... Go on. Jab! Jab!

Knock 'em in the air bladder!

What? What?

That was not below the dorsal!

Uh-oh.

Elmer! Here, boy! Calamari.

Yum yum yum yum yum.

98... 99... Poseidon, honey, I'm home!

100.

Oh, hey, cutie, I didn't even hear you coming.

Whew, what a workout.

I earned a break. Did you get the paper?

Not until you do your post-workout stretch.

Besides, the Greekly World News

is nothing but gossip anyway.

Hey!

Good boy, Elmer.

Uh...

Come on, Amphitrite, I always get a kick

out of the "Where are they now?" column.

It's always some chump

drying out in the Bellerophon clinic,

or some poor slob too fat to...

"Where is Poseidon now?"

You're scaring Elmer, honey.

Where am I? Ha!

Maybe a nice flash flood will remind them.

Now, dear, this will not help your public image.

Why don't you have a festival?

All the gods are doing it these days,

Bacchus, Aphrodite...

Oh, I'd rather flood something!

Think about it. A whole day devoted to you

and nobody else but you.

And so the God of the Sea

decreed the first annual Poseidon's Cup Regatta.

Translation,

the big ol' fish decided to throw a big ol' boat race.

Every sea-faring Greek...

And that's just about all of 'em, honey.

Was soon catching Poseidon's cup fever.

Oh, and, darling, even Hercules was not about to miss

the hottest ticket of the season.

Ow! Hey!

Oh! Sorry.

I just had a vision

that I was going to sleep in line,

in a public square, so I could buy tickets

for the Poseidon's Cup Regatta.

That was no vision. You did it.

OK, first thing after school,

I'm getting a life.

This is what separates the hard-core Poseidon fans

from the wannabes.

Hey, the line's moving.

Three student tickets for... Ohh!

Oh, poor baby.

I suppose your servants waited in line for your tickets, Adonis.

Ticket? Ha! I'm racing.

I shall claim victory for Team Thrace

in my father's yacht, The Insipid.

Oh, yeah? Talk to the hand, Adonis.

I mean, talk to this hand.

Oh, you stand behind your convictions.

Cassandra, I set 'em up, Herc knocks 'em down.

Oh... yeah?

Now, see, I never would have thought of that pause

between "Oh" and "Yeah."

That's what makes us a great team.

I'll show the winner's trophy

and tell about my triumph in class.

Show and tell, hmm... That could catch on.

I better copyright that quickly.

I'll give ya show and tell!

Don't tell me, Prim-Adonis?

I paint 'em up. Herc punches 'em down.

It's therapeutic.

I'd do anything to wipe that smug smile off his face.

Ooh! Try turpentine.

Herc, instead of demolishin' the joint,

why don't you just win the Poseidon's cup yourself?

It'll look great on your hero resume,

and you'll get to rub it in princy boy's face.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Except... We don't have a boat.

Granted, it ain't much,

but if it weren't for this little tub,

Jason would still be stuffing pimentos at the olive works.

Thanks anyway, Phil, but I don't think I'd have a chance

against a racing yacht like The Insipid.

Well, not with that attitude, you don't.

So it's a fixer-upper.

With me as your helmsman,

you could row a bucket and win, baby.

Together, we're unsink...

It couldn't hurt to get Poseidon on your good side either.

You know, make an offering, sacrifice something.

I'm not a strong swimmer!

Him, for example.

Help me!

♪ There's just a couple days left ♪

♪ But the prize is still Within your reach ♪

♪ Get to it, you know you can do it ♪

♪ If you put your heads together ♪

♪ And apply a little elbow grease ♪

♪ Get to it, you know you can do it ♪

♪ Come on, boys, it's not too late ♪

♪ To whip this sorry ship in shape ♪

♪ You can do it ♪

♪ It's not unthinkable ♪

♪ You can do it ♪

♪ You'll be unsinkable ♪

♪ Give it all you've got ♪

♪ And if that's not enough ♪

♪ It wouldn't hurt to drop ♪

♪ A drachma in Poseidon's cup ♪

Oh, ho ho! Check this out, huh?

Thanks to the race, every Greek and his brother

is dishing up offerings.

Where is Poseidon now, eh? Ha ha.

He's right here, baby.

Aww... you have to read this, dear.

- Oh, yeah? What did they give me? - Just read it, it's sweet.

"Dear Poseidon,

you are my very, very, very favorite god.

Because without you,

we wouldn't have water,

and we really, really need water.

But since we're on the subject,

"why all the salt? I don't get it."

Well, who wrote this?

Oh, hey, it's the kid who flew too close to the sun.

Ha ha ha. Loser!

But, honey, this is what it's all about.

This boy appreciates you.

Amphitrite, my dear,

this is what it's all about! Heh heh!

Ha ha ha!

Ho! That's it, partner.

We are now official participants

in the Poseidon Cup Regatta.

But, Icarus, I don't think our boat...

Oh, ho, look, a fellow mariner.

Pardon me while I fraternize.

Yar! Ahoy, matey!

Uh, batten down the poop deck, me hearties.

Yo-ho! Yo, thar, swabby?

Eh, I'm Ted, activities director.

On the Deucalion magic cruise line.

Deck chair?

OK! That is one salty sea dog!

Hang on... I'm getting a vision.

A boat... A boat sinking.

Oh! Oh! Thanks for reminding me, hon.

We still need a good luck charm for our boat. Come on.

Ooh. Bleh. Aye!

Ooh! Bleh! Wow.

Amphitrite.

Beauty.

Herc. Herc...

- Herc! - Can we get out of here

before disaster strikes?

Wait. Is that who I think it is?

It's Hilas, Greece's bad boy of rowing.

Now can we get out of here?

Whoa! Check out his chariot.

Now, Hilas, you've broken every rowing record

and won every regatta.

What will keep you motivated for the Poseidon's cup?

Homer, it's simple.

I'll be getting one obscene boatload of drachma

to row The Insipid.

Soon the Poseidon's cup will belong to Team Thrace.

Oh, I can taste victory.

Can you taste it, son? Can you?

Mm-hmm.

Delicious.

We've got the winning combination,

the fastest ship in the islands,

every commercial sponsor in Greece,

and the most powerful rower.

Ah, here he is now.

Hilas!

Whoo, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Whaa!

Ooh!

Aah!

Ooh! I'm telling you, it winked at me.

Aah!

Ooh! Aah!

Aah!

Oof!

Whoa... whoa... whoa!

Whaa!

Aah!

Ooh!

My arms, I can't move my arms!

Now who's going to row The Insipid? Adonis, if I lose the Poseidon's cup

because of this... your servants are grounded.

No, Daddums! I'll get you another rower.

Pick anyone. I'll get him.

He's a classmate of yours, isn't he?

I want him!

Hercules? Daddums, no!

Yes! I want Hercules.

Ho! Check out the Amphitrite's Wink.

The ship that's hip. The trireme that's extreme.

The yacht that's not.

So, what is your angle? What is your edge?

What is your, um, um, modus operandi?

Worry not, Daedalus, Hercules is on our team.

Ah... and he is strong, abnormally so.

Herc, my friend.

- Friend? - Oh, come on, we're buds.

Uh, yeah. Excuse me, but I'm late.

Of course you are. You don't even have a decent sun dial.

The Atlantis, it's the diver's choice, waterproof to 500 feet...

And how do you expect to get anywhere in sandals like that?

Imported from marathon,

designed by the goddess of victory herself.

Ooh, do you feel that chill?

Here, dad made extras.

Adonis, you shouldn't.

Nonsense. Friends give.

In fact, I convinced daddums

that he should give you a chance to row The Insipid in the Poseidon's cup.

Row for you? But I... I...

You'd be replacing Hilas.

Hilas, the bad boy of rowing?

Just picture the headlines:

Bye-bye, bad boy, hello, Herc.

You'd be famous. You'd be admired.

You'd be, dare I say it, a hero.

Wow.

You're gonna what?

Icarus, Team Thrace needs me.

Well, what about team us?

I thought we were gonna wipe the smug smile off Adonis' face?

Sure, at first, but it... it turns out

Adonis isn't so bad after all.

I don't even know you.

Look, Team Thrace has a yacht.

It's... it's state-of-the-art and everything.

Well, what's wrong with Amphitrite's Wink?

I'm in this to win, and... and Cassandra already called it,

the Wink is gonna sink.

Gah! Oh, is that right?

Well, I'd rather sink in the Wink

then race for Thrace.

Then why don't you row her?

Well, maybe I will.

- Fine! - Fine!

This time I set myself up, and Herc knocked me down.

Your friend has just strayed off course.

He'll find his way back.

Oh, easy for you... aah!

Hey! You talked!

Daedalus! Daedalus.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

I know you lost your abnormally strong partner.

It doesn't matter. We're going to improvise.

And they worked into the night.

While the fancy shmancy yacht club

had a real nice clambake. Mmm.

Wait a minute.

Aah... uhh.

What's our boy doing down there?

Where have you been, girl?

Hercules is the guest of honor.

Team Thrace welcomes... Hercules!

This is weird. I mean, I haven't even won anything yet,

and everyone's treating me like a hero.

You are what you wear.

Hmph! Hercules.

He may have saved my life,

but he'll never take my place, right, ladies?

- Did you say Hercules? - Oh! The good boy of rowing?

But... but I'm... I'm the bad boy.

Hey, look. I've... I've got a risqué tattoo.

- Ah, Mr. Hercules? - Hercules?

We'll take a question from... Homer.

Hercules, is Team Thrace ready for tomorrow's competition?

Ha ha. Well, Homer, I...

With myself at the helm

and my dear chum Hercules at the oars,

our greatness shall overshadow Poseidon himself!

- Right, partner? - Team Thrace rules!

Are you saying you're bigger than Poseidon?

Homer, heh heh, you can quote me on that.

Mmm... Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Guess there's nothing like hob-nobbing with royalty

to make our boy feel a little high and mighty himself.

It is a stunningly handsome vessel.

The best money can buy.

Are you ready, son?

Ready to quit being buddy-buddy with jerk...

Hercules, buddy! Ready to win?

Team Thrace rules.

You've got to be kidding me.

Ah, ha... Daedalus, I'm, uh...

getting wax wing flashbacks here.

Nonsense. Pull the lever!

Just keep your hands on the helm and my auto-oar will do the rest.

Extra ticket? Anyone have an extra ticket?

Take it. Stupid regatta.

Oh, I knew it!

Oh, Herc, I knew you'd be back.

- This is gonna be great... - Icarus, wait.

I just came by to wish you luck.

Oh!

Well, thanks,

but maybe I don't need your good luck.

Well, then maybe I take it back.

- Fine! - Fine!

It's not fine, guys.

My vision? Disaster?

Remember?

Too late. It already happened.

Oarsmen, helmsmen, take your places!

As always, thanks for listening.

Welcome, mortals.

You have helped make my Cup Regatta even more popular

than Bacchus' taste of Caledonia.

- All right, Poseidon! - All right!

Poseidon is back!

Enjoy the race, everyone.

But before we start, who is Team Thrace?

- Right here! - That's me!

Bigger than Poseidon, eh?

- He... he said it. - Well... well, technically,

I'm really not on the team.

Let the race begin!

Heave ho, heave ho!

Keep going, we've got the lead!

- Whoa! - Whoa!

Whoa!

Adonis, are you OK?

Just row,

and don't make Poseidon any angrier than you already have.

Hey, I wasn't the one who... Just row!

Aah!

Here comes Mr. Big Mouth.

I'll show them a big mouth. Oh, Charybdis!

Hungry?

Thanks to you, Poseidon is gonna sink us!

You're no hero, Hercules, you're just a hired oar,

and that's all you'll ever be.

Team Thrace stinks.

What did you say? Aah!

Aah!

Uhh! Hold on!

We can still win. Row, Hercules, row!

Slow down, skipper, slow down!

Oh, Herc!

Oh, you came back!

Come on, Icarus, jump!

No! A captain does not abandon his ship.

Eew!

You did it! We're alive!

There.

Now my fans can see me in all of my glory.

Here I go again.

Hercules! Help!

I'm too beautiful to die!

Uhh!

My son!

My yacht! No!

We have a winner. Ha ha ha.

And the Poseidon's cup goes to...

Icarus?

Come on, honey.

You know he's the only one who truly deserves it.

That's not true.

Yes, it is. Icarus earned this.

Earned? Ha ha ha.

What a ridiculous concept.

Hello, lady?

She was alive, I tell ya.

Congratulations, Icarus.

And, uh...

FYI, the salt brings out the flavor in our favorite foods.

Winning is not everything,

but I am nevertheless intensely happy.

Wow. Ho!

I really didn't have a speech,

but I'd like to thank Poseidon and his missus.

Daedalus, couldn't have done it without you, man.

And of course, my lovely Cassandra.

And finally, a very special whoopee

for my once and future best friend, Hercules.

This time, he set me up... Mine!

So you could knock him down.