Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Is he bold? ♪ - ♪ No one braver ♪

- ♪ Is he sweet? ♪ - ♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one, a zero, zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see.

The mighty Hercules.

The legendary hero of heroes.

Tested by dangers that no mere mortal could brave.

The thousand headed Hyburgh. The fearsome Nemian Lion.

And perhaps the greatest challenge of all...

High school!

E-e-excuse me.

High school, honey. That's the tough stuff.

Well, that's not on my list.

Darling, we are the muses.

We know what it was and what it is!

And we got the dish on how Hercules hit the big time.

You tell 'em, girl.

If I could get back to my narration.

Take five.

We feel... inspired.

♪ Now young Herc ♪

♪ As a teen ♪

♪ Was a lot like the rest ♪

♪ With a heroic dream ♪

♪ And no hair on his chest ♪

♪ He was working with Phil ♪

♪ On his physical best ♪

♪ When his dad intervened ♪

♪ With this simple request ♪

Child, what did he say?

♪ You've got to send ♪

♪ Send my boy ♪

- ♪ Send my boy ♪ - ♪ Send my boy ♪

- ♪ You've got to send ♪ - ♪ My boy to school ♪

♪ Fill his hollow head ♪

♪ With a fountain of knowledge ♪

♪ Every mortal mind needs fuel ♪

♪ He's got to learn the difference ♪

♪ Between right and wrong ♪

♪ And someday soon he'll Need a date for the prom ♪

♪ Don't want him growing up ♪

♪ To be no fool ♪

♪ You've got to send my boy to school ♪

Unh! Hermes.

Hermes, my paper. Now.

Today's top story,

The fabulous Prometheus Academy welcomes

the oh-so-happening Hercules.

Really? Let me see.

Ah, didn't make the Valley Edition.

But on Mount Olympus,

all the Gods and Goddesses

are like, heh, hyped, man, heh.

Ah, breakfast.

Most important meal of the day.

Ay-yi-i forgot the bananas.

Thanks.

Oy.

Hey, you're not nervous, are you?

No. Don't think so.

Should I be?

Nice work, wing tips.

Kid, the first day of school is just like any other.

But what if nobody likes me?

Oy. This is one of those peer pressure,

teen angst crises.

Herc, two words.

Re-lax.

By the way, did I mention

that the school barge was waiting when I got here?

No way!

I can't be late for my first day.

Wait up!

Huh?

What?

Where's our new student?

I am Parenthesis, your guidance counselor.

This is your student i.d.

It signifies that you are a student at Prometheus Academy,

The most prestigious school in Greece.

And it's 10 drachmas to replace if lost or stolen.

It won't leave my sight, sir.

Here's your campus map, recently revised,

cafeterium menu, I like the mutton,

and your locker number, memorize and destroy.

X-I, X-I... Oh, X-I.

No, not this one!

This is Pandora's locker. She's got some issues.

No, get off, get off!

Sorry, I'm new.

OK, obvious. I'm Icarus.

Hercules. Call me Herc.

Herc, as a newbie,

you need a guy that's plugged in.

Someone who can put you at the epicenter

of the Academy's chic Greek elite.

Thanks. Th-that would be great.

Yeah, wouldn't it?

I'm not that guy.

Honey, what's scarier than giving Medusa a makeover?

Girl, the first day in a new school.

♪ Show him facts and figures ♪

♪ Bring him books to read ♪

♪ Give him all the tools And learning skills ♪

♪ He'll need to succeed ♪

♪ As a shiny gene pool jewel ♪

♪ You've got to send my boy ♪

♪ He's my pride and joy ♪

♪ You've got to send ♪

♪ My boy ♪

♪ To school ♪

Oh, I had no idea high school would be so tough.

Well, take heart, my new friend, for it is lunch time,

a respite from academic adversity.

Welcome to the cafeterium.

Bad food in large quantities.

Goat milk?

Sorry, Ajax. He's the new guy.

Herc, try not to act like the new guy.

You got it, Icarus.

Good example.

This is the kind of thing that can get you labeled for life.

Something like "cornu-dope-ia,"

or... "herky jerky with the fruity booties."

OK, OK, I get the point.

Well, I'm just saying, kids can be cruel.

Thanks, Icky.

Some more than others.

He can't do that.

There you go, acting new again.

Why should we let him get away with that?

Because he's Adonis.

He's a prince.

If you wanna survive high school, you gotta know the score.

- What's the score? - We're losing!

You and me... losers.

This is Cassandra.

She is sweeter than ambrosia and she is all mine.

Icarus.

Yeah, baby?

The hands?

Move them or lose them.

Our relationship is in flux.

Honey, I want you to meet Hercules.

This is his first day here,

so make him feel welcome while I go back for firsts.

Ha, nice to meet you, Cassandra.

I doubt it, but it's polite of you to say so.

Icarus is a... he's a great guy.

I-i-is he your boyfriend?

Try stalker.

Stalker?

He thinks he's my boyfriend.

He flew too close to the sun.

Oh, he's that Icarus?

Huh. I wondered about his hair.

It goes deeper. Like, to his brain.

Heh. Well, he's, uh, happy.

Happy's good, right?

It's not for everybody.

On the other hand, living in a deluded fantasy is probably

the only way to survive this Underworld on Earth.

Yeah, heh. What?

High school.

Oh, oh, I got you.

The Underworld thing was a metaphor.

Right, right.

We covered that in epic poetry class today.

Ah, I should know this stuff.

Cassandra, are you OK?

Whoa, did I miss it?

- What? - A Cassandra Vision.

Watch.

Vision?

She sees horrible stuff that's gonna happen in the future.

It is her curse.

One of the many things I find irresistible about her.

I see disaster in the cafeterium.

The roof is falling.

I see the new guy. I see the roof falling

- on the new guy. - Huh?

That can't happen, can it?

I mean, this place is built to last, right?

Don't worry about it.

She made this wild prediction

that I would make a fool of myself in public.

Ha! But I don't care,

Because I am hopelessly devoted

to her. Oh, I love her so much.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. What are you looking at?

The ceiling's falling!

Oh, Icky.

Destiny calls.

- You can't do this. - Yes I can. Refills are free.

I'm going to talk to Adonis about this.

It's... it's just not fair.

Life got fair? Why wasn't I told?

Hmm...

Hey, I think you dropped this.

Mm-hmm.

You may rejoin the underclass now.

This is empty!

Refills are free. Help yourself.

Don't be ridiculous.

I never do anything for myself.

For example, I'm inclined to humiliate you now.

Humiliate him now.

Whoa!

Ow!

Hey, I think you dropped this.

I've seen gorgons with better pictures than that. Ha ha ha.

Oh, sure, his pride is destroyed.

His reputation annihilated.

But the roof did not fall.

I think I could have handled the roof.

OK, rookie, show me what you got.

How did I do?

You seem distracted.

Huh?

You seem distracted.

Phil, what was school like for you?

I learned what I know on the streets.

The school of hard knocks.

And since I took you on,

I feel like I'm doing my post-graduate work.

Sorry, Phil. It's just that...

Everybody at school thinks I'm a loser.

Yeah, yeah,

Achilles went through the same thing with them orthopedic sandals.

What do you think you are?

I'm not so sure sometimes.

Kid, forget everybody else.

Figure out what you think.

Oh, I believe this belongs to you.

Oh, sorry.

Phil's right.

It shouldn't matter what everybody else thinks.

But it does matter... a lot.

How do I prove to everybody at school I'm not a loser?

A fight?

That jerk Adonis, I'd love to... nah.

It's against school rules.

Oh, fight the monster.

Pegasus, you're a genius.

Tonight, I'm going to prove that I'm a hero.

We're going to the Realm... of Monsters.

And so in the Realm of Monsters,

Hercules sought a worthy foe to prove himself a hero.

Honey, that's not Hercules.

Oh. Oh, sorry.

Speedy Pita delivery guy.

You're dinner's here.

You know, I'm not big on pitas.

No, I'm more of a people person.

Aah!

Heh heh.

Huh?

Tremble before mighty Echidna!

The mother of all monsters?

I'm putting in for a new route.

Orthos, your blood feast

is the most important meal of the day.

And what do you eat?

Junk food.

Unh!

Aah!

But, Ma...

Shut your pie hole, little mister.

Mother.

That goes double for you.

Oh, where did I go wrong?

Your brothers and sisters are out there night and day.

They're eviscerating armies.

Leveling city-states to eat only the best.

But what do you do?

You stuff your faces with pita delivery boys.

We ate that musaca guy once.

What have I always told you?

You can't be a somebody if you eat a nobody.

That's right. So starting tonight, you are on a strict diet.

You are to gorge only upon the upper crust.

Like a king or a prince or at least a hero.

And so in the Realm of Monsters, Hercules...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We all got the beat now.

This is the domain of Echidna.

- Huh? - The mother of all monsters.

Do you even know where you're going?

No, but I do know we have to eat somebody important

or mother's going to eat us.

- She wouldn't. - I think she would.

The last couple of family reunions had some empty seats.

There was talk.

Here's how I see it. I defeat a monster.

Word spreads at school, "Herc's a hero!"

Life is fair again.

OK, that was fast.

Nothing personal, but I'm going to have to defeat you in battle.

And who exactly are you?

The name's Hercules.

Never heard of you.

I know. Nobody has.

N-no offense, peewee,

but our mother has us on a strict diet.

Royalty and heroes only.

Well, I'm a hero-in-training.

Does that count?

Maybe not as an entree, but as a snack.

Unh!

Ow! Cut it out.

He's stale.

Well, just check for an expiration date.

Mm-hmm. It's usually on the bottom right here, right?

Ah, forget him. He's stale, and he's a nobody.

Unh. Ow.

I'm not a nobody.

Unh!

Living in denial.

I am somebody. Somebody important.

Prove it.

Uh, uh...

I am a student at the Prometheus Academy.

Hey! Whoa.

Aye, what a ghastly likeness.

Ever hear of a comb?

Actually, I've heard of this school. Quite prestigious.

So they've gotta have some very important upper crusty people there.

We could check it out.

You mean that?

Brother, let's go.

Hey! That costs 10 drachma if lost or stolen.

Got 10 drachma I can borrow?

♪ Herc's most dangerous lesson's ♪

♪ About to begin ♪

♪ Cassandra's predicted his doom ♪

- ♪ Shoo-wop ♪ - ♪ Shoo-wop ♪

♪ On top of our hero ♪

♪ The roof is gonna fall ♪

♪ You don't want to miss it ♪

♪ Stay tuned ♪

How late am I?

- Rome fell. - What?

Kidding. That won't happen for centuries.

You only missed geometry.

Mr. Euclid didn't even take attendance.

What with the rampaging cyclops and all.

A cyclops? How many heads?

Two, I think. Could be a new student.

Ah, somebody said he's got an i.d.

I heard the picture on it is hideous.

My i.d.

All royalty and important people line up to the left.

Everyone else is excused.

Cooperate and no one will be hurt.

Except they will get eaten.

Well, that's a given.

They never make it easy.

I'll make it easy for you.

Leave now and there won't be any trouble.

Hey, it's the stale nobody kid.

Thanks for the hot tip.

Yeah. Dynamite buffet.

There's been a change in the menu.

No flesh this day, instead you shall taste my blade.

Here. Make him taste my blade.

Hey, you've got something back there.

- Did I get it? Higher. - W-where?

- To the left. - Wait. Here? Are you mirroring me,

Or are you just...

- A little more. - Did I get it!

Bingo.

Adonis, this is my fight.

I'm sure you mean well, stale nobody kid.

Look, like we told you before, We can't waste our time on you.

I am a hero-in-training.

And thus you may be a somebody someday.

But right now, you are a nobody.

Well, he's got you there.

I, on the other hand, am a prince.

Right now, at this very moment,

a bona fide prince.

- No! - Hey! Aah!

We shall dine like royalty.

Or on royalty, as the case may be.

Wait!

You can't eat him!

Can, too.

Mom said we could eat princes.

But how are you going to prove to your mom

that he was a prince?

We'll save some bones.

Everybody's the same under their skin.

That is not true.

I mean, right.

We are all brothers under the skin.

Aah!

We gotta show Mom that we made good.

Uh, should we wrap him to go?

No. We can have our prince and eat him, too.

Smile.

Very well.

I'm not used to working under hostage conditions.

Not that you care. I mean, you are a rather odd,

Hideous looking two-eyed...

Well, one-eyed, two-headed thing.

When I say thing, I mean cyclops.

And I... that's me... am not...

Just take the picture!

Unh!

Say feta cheese.

Oh, uh, that actually hurt.

OK, stale nobody kid, prepare for pain.

The name is Hercules.

Aah!

Uh-oh.

Aah!

Wow. Two heads. Oh!

You could eat and think at the same time.

- Huh? - Huh?

He was to be the best man at our wedding.

Oh, I was on the cusp of an emotion,

And you just made that impossible.

Cassandra, good call on the roof.

I foretold you so.

But you didn't see that I'd beat the two-headed cyclops.

Well, I guess Adonis didn't see it that way either.

I guess you could say 'twas beauty that killed the beast.

Play along. I'll make it worth your while.

Everybody thinks he saved the day.

Oh, two-fist him.

Well, it worked on the bi-clops.

Ah, forget it. It doesn't matter.

Is this abject defeat or newfound maturity?

Who cares what everybody else thinks?

You know what's important?

What I think.

And I think I'm... I'm doing OK.

Maturity.

Perhaps the greatest foe of all.

♪ So ends this tale ♪

♪ Of a humble beginning ♪

♪ The hero won't always ♪

♪ Get glory for winning ♪

♪ But that's how it goes ♪

♪ I suppose that it shows ♪

♪ You need two fists to fight ♪

♪ When your foe's ♪

♪ Got more ♪

♪ Than one nose ♪

♪ Yeah ♪