Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

The ancient Greeks delighted in sports of all kinds.

They held great games to celebrate human athletic endeavor...

The Panhellenic Games, the Pythian Games,

and some very famous games held every four years

in the historic city of Olympia.

Games so important that all wars ceased,

so important that they continue even to the modern day,

games which we can't mention due to trademark restrictions.

But our story concerns a less famous competition...

The bitter rivalry between the fighting war dogs

of Spartan Military High

and the eagles of the Athenian Prometheus Academy.

OK, OK, let's pick up the slack, everyone.

This year we're finally going to beat Sparta.

Athletes... Jocks... The enemy.

Don't you feel kind of sorry for them? I mean...

They've lost 12 big games in a row.

Help me!

Hey! Maybe I could help out.

Show no pity, Hercmeister.

Jocks are our natural enemies.

Right, sugar plum?

Actually, you're my natural enemy.

Jocks are a close second.

Eh! Who needs them?

Sure, they're more popular, and more successful than us,

but we're the ones with the good looks...

And the winning personalities.

Yeah, but they're the ones with the cheerleaders.

♪ Don't dry it or wash it ♪

♪ Just grab that plate and toss it ♪

Well, I've got a training session with...

Ohh!

Hey, here you go.

Aah!

Oh, sorry.

Oh, never apologize for who you are.

Who are you again?

Hercules.

Of course! The inconceivably strong hero-in-training.

Why haven't you tried out for the team?

Well, uh, I'm pretty busy with my training, and, uh...

And he's not falling for your siren song

of the jock's life, are you, Hercaburger?

Well, I don't know. I...

You know, being on the varsity does have its advantages.

Hi, Hercules.

I guess I could give it a try.

No! He's become one of them.

Them... them... them.

My son's going to be in the big games?

Oh, that is great!

So, you don't think being a jock is,

well, evil, like... like Icarus says?

Evil? Bah.

Why, I was a pretty good wrestler in my day.

Zeus the moose, they called me.

Sorry to interrupt, big Z.,

but you're late for the, uh, gods' gala on Olympus.

Tell them I'll be there in a minute.

All righty, babe.

Now tell me again about that discus toss.

So, are you going to the games tomorrow, brother?

You know I hate sports, Athena...

A total waste of the human instinct

to kill and maim.

Spoken like a true war god.

And I suppose you're going?

Oh, yes. I go every year to cheer on my loyal Athenians.

This year we're going to win for certain.

Sorry, cats. Zeus is running late.

Hey, did you try the ambrosia bars?

Bacchus manifested them fresh today.

- They are so nutty. - I don't like nuts.

Oh, gods. I hate these monthly meeting Greek mixers.

I think Hades is the only one who enjoys them.

Athena, looking good. Nice smile.

Uh, let me borrow your bro for a sec, OK?

Ares, babe... may I call you babe?

Oh, war god supremo, huh?

Hey, you remember the bronze age, huh?

Remember that... wiping out the Minoans?

You slayed them. I buried them.

Good times, huh? Good times.

All right, Hades, what do you want?

All right, look, OK?

Things are kind of dead down in the underworld.

Or actually, they're not dead enough.

Know what I'm saying?

Our soul index is at a 2-year low.

Now for a quick boost in the souls receivable department,

there is nothing like a war, but we've had a total of, like,

zero wars lately. So, like, what's up with that?

What do you mean? There's been lots of wars...

The siege of Carthage, uh, the occupation of Sicily,

the... the, you know...

Come on, come on. Border skirmishes, police actions.

I mean war!

I'm thinking the big kalamada...

Sparta versus Athens.

Boom, huh? 15, 20k souls easy.

Come on! What do you say?

You know I'd love to order my Spartans to invade my sister's turf, but...

All right! I'll tell you what, to sweeten the deal,

I can't believe I'm doing this,

I will throw in

my patented Hadean shield of invincibility.

Nothing can touch you when you have this baby.

Top secret here.

Check out the brochure. You like it?

Ooh. Oh, that looks neat-o.

Invincibility, huh?

Absolutely guaranteed to protect your Spartans

from dismemberment, death, and a variety of boo-boos.

It's a deal.

You'll need a new sack-of-Athens wing just to hold all my victims.

Ha ha.

New wing, huh?

Ooh, I like it. Ares, you the god.

No such thing as a Hadean shield of invincibility, is there?

Yeah, right. Hello? Helmet on too tight today?

Sounded good, though, didn't that, though?

Hey, Bacchus, what is that, rack of Minotaur? Nice.

Your city-state's going down, Athena.

I've got the Hadean shield of invincibility.

Oh, don't be absurd. There is no such thing.

Is so. I have a brochure.

My Sparta's invading your Athens tomorrow, baby.

Oh, no, you're not.

Tomorrow's the big games,

Prometheus Academy versus Spartan Military,

and my boy is playing for Athens.

Oh, come on. There's a war on.

I'm going to wipe Athens off the map.

Put a sock in it.

We'd mop up the Parthenon with you.

Yeah? You and whose navy?

The Athenian navy, you dolt.

Silence! I am sick and tired of you two bickering

like a couple of 2000-year-olds.

I will not allow your Athens-Sparta war

to ruin the Athens-Sparta games.

Say, war... games... Athens... Sparta...

Now that is a godly idea.

We'll decide the war on the athletic field. Ha ha.

What? My armies won't fit on an athletic field.

No, no.

Hermes, take down a decree.

Here for you, babe.

Instead of war, human athletic endeavor

shall decide whose city-state is superior.

You are so wise.

Whichever high school wins

the most laurel wreaths in tomorrow's games

shall win permanent bragging rights

for their city-state forever.

Signed Zeus, ruler of the cosmos, et cetera.

What does all that mean?

Our high school teams will decide the war

instead of armies. I like it.

No! I am the God of War, and I... Aah!

Will support them in light competition.

Dig the new luxury boxes, babe.

Hah! Corporate sponsors... You've got to love them.

And 5 and 6 and 7 and 8, and work those abs.

Everybody get in touch with your inner winner.

Is that guy training them for the game

or getting them ready for bikini season?

Well, that's Physoedipus. He... He's my coach.

- Herc, hey! - Hercules!

Hey, hey, hey, I'm your coach, and don't you forget it.

Hey, guys.

I'm glad you guys came out to cheer me on.

These Spartans look tough.

We came to make one last effort

to keep you on the side of the few,

The proud, the geeky.

O... OK, kid, let me get this straight.

You throw this spear at who?

It's a javelin. I'm not aiming it at anyone.

If I throw it farther than the other guy, I win.

Oh, you win. You win what?

Well, a laurel wreath.

A bunch of leaves on a stick.

And the cheerleaders will think I'm a hero.

Look, kid, I know you're excited,

but there's more to being a hero than that stuff.

- Kid... - The games are starting!

Sparta! Sparta! Sparta!

Your muscle-bound muttonheads don't stand a chance.

Oh, yeah? A 2-eon supply of nectar says otherwise.

- You're on, brother. - Psst, Ares, you got a minute?

Hey, what kind of war god are you?

I've got construction workers starting on my sack-of-Athens wing,

and you're making book with Athena.

Hello? What happened to our war?

Sorry, Hades, deal's off.

- What? - You get copied on the decree?

Hey, decree... no decree is set in stone.

"Human endeavor...

bragging rights forever..."

OK, well, this one's set in stone.

Leave it to Zeus to chisel me out of 20,000 souls before breakfast.

Games... no blood, no bodies.

Who cares?

Some turnout, huh?

Every living Spartan and Athenian soul must be in here.

Hey, what a minute. Living... Hah! That could change.

Uh, I've got to see an old friend.

Hi. Is your mommy home?

Mom...

The Lord of the Dead's here to see you.

Oh, Hades, what a surprise.

Echidna, you look great.

The horns were polished, were they?

Listen, I'm sorry to drop in like this,

but I know how you love to eat.

I've found this great joint...

Had to tell you about it right away.

Oh, really? Well, come in.

I am talking a huge spread

of bite-sized human morsels...

Sort of an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Ha ha ha.

Oh, and here's one of Typhon and I on rampage in Naxos last year.

We ate the nicest little couple from Corinth.

Uh, look, Echidna...

And by the way, did I mention

you look positively nauseating today?

Hades, you old smoothie, talk to me.

Well, I'm in kind of a rush, so here's the deal, broad-strokes,

there's a special on sitting ducks

at Speedy Pita Park today.

I'm thinking this...

You get a nice meal, I get 100,000 souls

and a couple of vacant city-states.

What do you say, huh, deal?

Oh, I'd love to, Hades, really, but 100,000?

I can't eat like that anymore.

Hey, big order. I know.

That's why I came to you, mother of all monsters.

I thought maybe you could hit up some of your relatives...

You know, like, subcontract.

Oh, a family outing.

What fun!

I'm sure Chimera will go

and my little Cyclops here,

if you've done your homework, you stinkpot.

Ladon, of course.

Oh, Gegeneis, he loves Athenian

with a little olive oil and myrrh, don't you?

Oh, I just got hungry.

Nice.

While Hades and Echidna prepared to go big-games hunting,

the games themselves were well underway with a new star.

Hello, sports fans, and welcome to sports centaur.

I'm Dan Fetlock.

It's half time here at Speedy Pita Park.

We've got a story as big as Olympus... Hercules.

This kid has come out of nowhere,

and he's producing laurel branches like an overfertilized tree.

Let's go to the highlights.

He dominates the triple jump,

- but also the long jump... - Good!

- The high jump... - Good!

- The pole vault, even without a pole. - Good!

How did he do in the world's fastest man footrace?

The record for the 100 meters crumbles,

and so does the stadium's east wall.

The bottom line is, the fighting war dogs

roll over and play dead while Hercules and the eagles soar

to a 20-laurel-wreath-to-nothing lead.

Ares is just getting humiliated in this sibling rivalry.

20 to zip... even if my Spartans win

every event from now on, we can't catch up.

We are actually going to win this year.

Oh. Oh, rah.

Ha! Sorry, Ares, but my little Demigodling

is kicking your keister. Ha ha ha.

What a gas! You know, I just love these human athletic endeavor thingies.

Nectar, get your nectar here.

Yo, nectar.

Immortals only. ID, please.

ID? Of course I'm immortal.

Only immortals are allowed in this section,

you... you speck of a human.

Human? Human athletic endeavor. Ha ha ha.

Oh, that's it!

♪ Give me an "H," give me an "E" ♪

♪ Give me an R-C-U ♪

♪ Give me an "L," give me an "E" ♪

♪ Give me a final "S" ♪

♪ What's that spell? ♪

Uh, uh... Is that a silent "E"?

Hercules.

- Oh, OK, now we get it. - Yeah, of course!

Hercules!

- Way to go, Herc. - You're the best.

Way to go, Herc.

Ha ha. This is great.

I am finally a hero!

Correction, kid. You're a sports hero...

Not the same thing.

OK, OK, a sports hero, but still...

We really gave 110% and kicked us some Spartan tail out there.

- You know? - It's happened. He's speaking jock.

Oh!

I see blood, Hercules, your blood.

Blood, sweat, tears... Whatever it takes to win, you know?

Excuse me, Hercules?

Please, please. Come on, no autographs.

- We're from PHAAA. - Wow! You're from far? How far?

I mean, I live a couple of leagues away myself.

No, we're from the P-H-AAA...

Panhellenic Amateur Athletic Association.

And according to our guidelines,

we need to do a blood test.

Bingo.

A... A blood test?

This will only take a second.

You were right, almighty Ares.

The boy's DG-positive.

Ares, what are you... I'm what?

Demigod-positive, Mr. Son of Zeus.

I... I...

You... You what, didn't know demigods

aren't allowed to compete against normal mortals?

Well, it's right here in your daddy's decree.

These games are for, open quotes, "Human athletic endeavor."

Close quotes, Ha ha ha.

Because Hercules is half-human and half-god,

only half of his victories will count,

and he is hereby disqualified

from further competition.

No.

Yes! It's comeback time for my fighting dogs.

Flunked his blood test?

Totally... disqualified.

What a loser.

I heard the news.

Don't let it get you down, son.

It's only a games.

But I liked being an athlete.

I, I felt like a hero.

You know, all those cheers and cheerleaders.

Is that what you think being a hero's all about?

No, of course not, but it was so cool.

Son, I think you may have become an athlete

for the wrong reasons.

Athletics are valuable for what they teach you,

not what they do for your social life.

Don't worry, son.

Why, your chance to be a real hero

could be waiting just over the next rise.

Over this rise, ladies, gentlemen,

and unidentified others.

Awaits your big chance to become legendary monsters.

So after some quick thanks and much ado...

And to your mother of all monsters

for bringing you together on such short notice...

I will just say, eat up, everybody.

Welcome back to Sports Centaur.

The big news in the second half is the banning of Hercules.

With the demigod out of the lineup,

Sparta is making an amazing comeback.

It's another wreath for Sparta,

and they've come back to tie the score,

and the crowd is into it.

Here's a surprise play... monsters.

There's Chimera, fabulous 2-headed beast...

Head of a lion, body of a goat,

tail of a serpent. Talk about a triple threat.

And there's Ladon...

Just a kid, oh, but what potential.

And here comes Cyclops...

Ocularly challenged, but don't let that fool you.

He had a terrific season last year...

Just ate people alive.

This is certainly an all-star monster lineup.

Father, what do we do?

Offhand, I'd say we need a real hero.

Go get them, tiger.

Huh? But I can't...

Kid, what are you waiting for?

This is your big shot. Get in there!

OK, I won't let you down, coach.

Heh heh heh.

Who would have thought it?

It's Hercules. What a comeback.

And I don't think those officials from PHAAA

will be disqualifying him this time,

'cause they just got devoured.

Work the body, kid!

He shoots...

he scores!

Cyclops... big, scary,

but no depth perception.

Hey, babe, no offense,

but you're not breeding monsters like you used to.

Ah, kids today.

I guess if you want to have something done right...

You go, girl.

Ha! Told you my boy could handle those little creeps.

M... Mother. Aah!

Hermes, don't call for your mommy. It's ungodly.

No, the mother of all monsters.

Oh, I see.

Hercules may be in a little over his head here.

Hey! Get the bridge! Move 32-a!

Oy. Gods, I'm beseeching you here.

She's going to eat my Athenians.

And my Spartans.

We can stop her together, brother.

Together? You mean me and you?

Why not? We are, after all,

when everything's said and done, siblings.

Well, I usually work alone, ah, but what the Hades?

Come on!

Whoa. Wait a minute.

There's been a last-minute substitution.

It's those gritty, gutty sibling rivals Ares and Athena.

The monster's down...

The kick is up, and she is going, going...

She is gone!

Oh, terrible.

Oh, great.

So much for my sack-of-Athens wing.

Ugh... Now I've got to fire the contractors,

and, oy, there's all that brimstone I have to return.

I'll never get my deposit back, bada bing,

there goes my credit rating.

Thanks for the assist, guys, uh, gods.

And that was some kind of hail-Hera kick

from the wise Athena,

but it was Hercules who proved once again

you can't teach hustle.

The games have been called on account of monsters.

It ends in a tie! We didn't lose!

Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!

♪ Adonis and the others Are all just jocks ♪

♪ But Hercules, Hercules, Hercules rocks ♪

Ha ha! Well done, my boy.

Ha!

See, kid, this is what it feels like to be a real hero.

Yeah, I like it.

I foresaw that that whole jock thing wouldn't stick.

Hey, welcome back to the fold.

High-five, baby!