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♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪
2
00:00:10,583 --> 00:00:12,333
♪ Hercules ♪
3
00:00:12,417 --> 00:00:14,417
♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪
4
00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:16,291
♪ Hercules ♪
5
00:00:16,375 --> 00:00:18,375
- ♪ Is he bold? ♪
- ♪ No one braver ♪
6
00:00:18,458 --> 00:00:21,792
- ♪ Is he sweet? ♪
- ♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪
7
00:00:21,875 --> 00:00:23,875
- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
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00:00:23,959 --> 00:00:25,709
- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
9
00:00:25,792 --> 00:00:26,709
♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
10
00:00:26,792 --> 00:00:29,125
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪
11
00:00:29,208 --> 00:00:31,667
♪ Hercules ♪
12
00:00:31,750 --> 00:00:33,583
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪
13
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,125
♪ Now the boy's in school ♪
14
00:00:35,208 --> 00:00:36,583
♪ He's in trainin' ♪
15
00:00:36,667 --> 00:00:37,750
♪ Smart and shy ♪
16
00:00:37,834 --> 00:00:40,375
- ♪ And the nicest guy ♪
- ♪ No complainin' ♪
17
00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:41,542
♪ He was a no one ♪
18
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:42,625
♪ Zero, zero ♪
19
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:43,542
♪ Give him a quick deed ♪
20
00:00:43,625 --> 00:00:44,750
♪ He's our hero ♪
21
00:00:44,834 --> 00:00:48,458
♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪
22
00:00:48,542 --> 00:00:50,166
♪ From zero to hero ♪
23
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,583
♪ Herc is a hero ♪
24
00:00:52,667 --> 00:00:57,458
♪ He'll be a hero ♪
25
00:00:57,542 --> 00:00:59,250
Wait and see!
26
00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:09,083
The landscape of ancient Greece
27
00:01:09,166 --> 00:01:11,208
was fairly bursting
with heroes...
28
00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:13,667
The adventurous Jason...
29
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:16,417
the courageous Theseus...
30
00:01:16,750 --> 00:01:19,208
the wise and
knowledgeable Philoctetes...
31
00:01:19,291 --> 00:01:22,083
Eh, you better
check yourself, Bob.
32
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:23,875
Phil? A hero?
33
00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:25,875
You must be mistaken, honey.
34
00:01:26,083 --> 00:01:29,291
Unh! Sorry, horn boy,
this is the hall of heroes.
35
00:01:32,333 --> 00:01:35,375
Phil was a hero.
36
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,250
Um, how'd you do that?
37
00:01:37,333 --> 00:01:40,834
A powerful speaking
voice can move mountains.
38
00:01:40,917 --> 00:01:42,583
Mmm, turn it out, baby.
39
00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:44,333
We are listenin'.
40
00:01:44,417 --> 00:01:47,250
Ahem. Our story
begins inauspiciously...
41
00:01:47,333 --> 00:01:49,709
at the hub of the
Athenian social whirl...
42
00:01:49,959 --> 00:01:51,709
Speedy Pita.
43
00:01:54,625 --> 00:01:56,834
Ahh!
44
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,166
You gonna eat that, kid?
45
00:01:58,250 --> 00:01:59,959
Um, no, Phil. Here.
46
00:02:02,709 --> 00:02:05,250
- Delish!
- A hero?
47
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:06,500
You're 100% on this, Bob?
48
00:02:06,750 --> 00:02:09,834
Shh! Let's not pull
everyone out of the story.
49
00:02:10,959 --> 00:02:13,000
Whoa, I wonder
what the excitement is.
50
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,400
How'd he get out
of the underworld?
51
00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:22,125
The question is, how do
you get him back there?
52
00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:25,041
Remember, kid, watch his tail!
53
00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:27,250
As a hero-in-training,
54
00:02:27,417 --> 00:02:30,166
I must ask you to return to
the shores of the River Styx
55
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:31,291
from which you escaped.
56
00:02:31,792 --> 00:02:33,083
And why is that?
57
00:02:33,166 --> 00:02:36,333
Um... Because you're a monster?
58
00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:39,208
Oh! You eat a few hundred
people, and you're labeled for life?
59
00:02:39,375 --> 00:02:41,125
Oh, come on!
They were just kids!
60
00:02:41,208 --> 00:02:43,333
Hyah!
61
00:02:44,166 --> 00:02:45,667
Aah!
62
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:48,417
Stop splashin' me, boy!
63
00:02:48,542 --> 00:02:49,709
Memnon!
64
00:02:49,792 --> 00:02:52,542
Vile lackey of Hades!
65
00:02:52,625 --> 00:02:53,667
Chiron!
66
00:02:53,750 --> 00:02:56,125
Hard-nosed,
hero-training horse-haunch!
67
00:02:56,208 --> 00:02:58,750
Putrid spawn of the underworld.
68
00:02:58,834 --> 00:03:00,000
Ooh, that's good.
69
00:03:00,083 --> 00:03:01,283
Can you write that in my copy?
70
00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:03,625
Ohh ho ho, sure!
71
00:03:03,709 --> 00:03:07,625
To the putrid Memnon,
keep on terrorizin'.
72
00:03:08,166 --> 00:03:10,083
Your good foe, Chiron.
73
00:03:10,166 --> 00:03:13,208
One of my best foes writes
a scroll, I have to have one.
74
00:03:13,750 --> 00:03:16,417
Oh, thanks, and one more for
my daughter, Memnona with an "a."
75
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,000
You're a peach!
76
00:03:18,083 --> 00:03:21,375
Ooh, let me know what you
think of our fight in chapter XII.
77
00:03:21,458 --> 00:03:24,208
Can't wait. The way
you laid me out... wow!
78
00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:26,750
You know, I'm
still on light duty.
79
00:03:26,834 --> 00:03:28,291
Hey, look me up the next time
80
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:30,142
you're in the bowels of the
abyss. I promise I'll eat ya.
81
00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:33,667
Just kidding! See you in
the underworld! Ha ha ha ha!
82
00:03:33,750 --> 00:03:36,208
Ohh... You OK, kid?
83
00:03:36,291 --> 00:03:37,917
Philoctetes!
84
00:03:38,333 --> 00:03:39,583
And Hercules...
85
00:03:40,083 --> 00:03:43,417
the little hero who
couldn't! Heh heh ha!
86
00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:44,500
Hey, lay off the kid.
87
00:03:44,542 --> 00:03:48,125
Mark my words, he's
gonna be the greatest!
88
00:03:48,208 --> 00:03:52,250
Hah! That's what you've said about
every one of your hero wannabes.
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00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:54,834
Someday they're gonna
be writing scrolls about Phil,
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00:03:54,917 --> 00:03:56,625
the greatest trainer
there ever was.
91
00:03:57,041 --> 00:04:00,834
Oh, sure. I'll look for it
under fiction. Heh heh heh!
92
00:04:04,792 --> 00:04:06,458
Did you ever rescue a damsel?
93
00:04:06,542 --> 00:04:08,458
- Well, no.
- Slay a dragon?
94
00:04:08,542 --> 00:04:10,875
- No, but, I, uh...
- Blind a cyclops?
95
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:13,250
- Not as such.
- Teased a titan?
96
00:04:13,333 --> 00:04:15,041
Ooh! Shut up!
97
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:18,208
Face it, Phil, if you've
never been a hero,
98
00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:20,417
how can you teach a hero?
99
00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:22,166
Which I discuss in chapter VI...
100
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:24,625
"Those who can, do...
101
00:04:25,083 --> 00:04:27,917
Those who can't do... teach!"
102
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,250
Yeah? Well...
103
00:04:29,333 --> 00:04:31,792
- You teach.
- From experience.
104
00:04:31,875 --> 00:04:34,542
Listen, bucko,
I've got gut instinct!
105
00:04:34,625 --> 00:04:36,291
You've got the gut.
106
00:04:36,375 --> 00:04:40,542
That much is true.
107
00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:43,291
Unh! Ah! Unh!
108
00:04:43,458 --> 00:04:45,291
Ohh!
109
00:04:48,333 --> 00:04:49,709
Ha! Not this time.
110
00:04:49,792 --> 00:04:50,792
Oof!
111
00:04:53,792 --> 00:04:56,667
Phil, you're supposed
to be coaching me.
112
00:04:56,875 --> 00:04:58,542
You're doin' fine.
113
00:04:58,625 --> 00:04:59,750
This is fine?
114
00:04:59,959 --> 00:05:02,709
Vision-deprivation
training is not for wimps.
115
00:05:03,083 --> 00:05:04,917
Come on, Phil, what's wrong?
116
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:09,291
Ooh, that... that... that
oat-eater thinks he's so great!
117
00:05:09,375 --> 00:05:13,041
Oy, this is one of
those midlife crises.
118
00:05:13,125 --> 00:05:15,125
Phil, come on.
119
00:05:15,208 --> 00:05:17,875
Don't let him get your
goat, uh, so to speak.
120
00:05:18,041 --> 00:05:20,792
OK, yeah, Chiron
was a world-class hero,
121
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,291
and now he's a really
famous hero trainer,
122
00:05:24,375 --> 00:05:26,500
and, sure, technically,
123
00:05:26,583 --> 00:05:28,500
none of your guys
ever went the distance.
124
00:05:30,166 --> 00:05:31,875
But it's not your fault.
125
00:05:31,959 --> 00:05:34,834
No one knows more
about being a hero than you.
126
00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:37,333
Hey.
127
00:05:37,417 --> 00:05:38,917
You know, you're right, rookie.
128
00:05:39,083 --> 00:05:41,834
I am? I mean, yeah!
You're darn... darn tootin'.
129
00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:44,625
Ha ha ha. Maybe we
oughta switch, you know.
130
00:05:44,709 --> 00:05:46,269
I'll be the coach,
and you be the hero.
131
00:05:46,417 --> 00:05:49,333
You know, with everything
I know, I could be a hero.
132
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,834
Hmm? Uh, it was a joke, Phil.
133
00:05:51,917 --> 00:05:54,417
No, no, no. It's
time I do somethin'
134
00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:57,166
instead of talk about it. I
just gotta find some action.
135
00:05:57,250 --> 00:06:00,208
And I know the
best place to start.
136
00:06:00,291 --> 00:06:01,792
The want ads!
137
00:06:01,875 --> 00:06:05,875
"Wood nymph seeks satyr
for conversation and fun.
138
00:06:05,959 --> 00:06:07,041
No smokers."
139
00:06:07,125 --> 00:06:09,125
Hmm. For later.
140
00:06:10,083 --> 00:06:13,834
"Hero wanted to stop cyclops
from eating city council in Thebes."
141
00:06:13,917 --> 00:06:15,208
Hmm.
142
00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:16,750
It was a joke, Phil.
143
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,834
- Really.
- Ooh, lookie here.
144
00:06:19,041 --> 00:06:20,834
"Atlantis City seeks hero
145
00:06:20,917 --> 00:06:24,208
to sink sea serpent
with mile of living gullet."
146
00:06:24,291 --> 00:06:26,583
Ooh, sounds beautifully risky.
147
00:06:26,667 --> 00:06:30,500
Look, if you're gonna
do this, start small.
148
00:06:30,583 --> 00:06:31,875
Uh, this is a good one.
149
00:06:32,041 --> 00:06:34,959
"Cockatrice terrorizing Eleusis.
150
00:06:35,041 --> 00:06:37,166
We're being egged to death."
151
00:06:37,250 --> 00:06:38,875
Come on, it's just a chicken.
152
00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:43,083
Ah! There are no small
foes, just small heroes.
153
00:06:43,250 --> 00:06:45,500
Rule 186!
154
00:06:45,583 --> 00:06:46,917
You're right, kid!
155
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,500
Eleusis it is!
156
00:06:51,792 --> 00:06:54,875
"Hero Depot... Your
Carnage Superstore."
157
00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:56,500
Ooh, look at this!
158
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,625
One-stop hero shopping!
159
00:07:00,542 --> 00:07:02,250
What's this do? Ooh!
160
00:07:02,333 --> 00:07:03,625
Teaches you not to touch.
161
00:07:03,709 --> 00:07:04,709
Let's get one.
162
00:07:11,875 --> 00:07:13,125
Hmm.
163
00:07:13,208 --> 00:07:14,208
Not enough range.
164
00:07:15,166 --> 00:07:17,291
Nah. Too flimsy.
165
00:07:17,625 --> 00:07:18,959
Handle's not centered.
166
00:07:19,083 --> 00:07:21,834
Oh, look at this one! Cool!
167
00:07:37,542 --> 00:07:40,208
Always check the safety.
168
00:07:40,792 --> 00:07:43,000
Shield, 29.95.
169
00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:45,500
Bludgeon buddy, 13.99.
170
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:47,709
Mmm. Hmm...
171
00:07:49,041 --> 00:07:51,500
Price check on the
Spartan army knife!
172
00:07:51,583 --> 00:07:56,125
While we're waiting, I'll need
to see your hero's license.
173
00:07:56,291 --> 00:07:57,375
License?!
174
00:07:57,959 --> 00:07:59,959
Welcome to the Department
of Slaughter and Power,
175
00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:02,125
how can I be of
civil service today?
176
00:08:02,208 --> 00:08:04,333
What's this nonsense
about a hero license?
177
00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:06,500
New city ordinance.
178
00:08:06,583 --> 00:08:08,709
Too many do-it-yourself
heroes are getting hurt.
179
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:10,250
We can't be responsible.
180
00:08:10,333 --> 00:08:12,250
Hey, I'm not just
some yahoo, pal!
181
00:08:12,333 --> 00:08:15,250
I'm Philoctetes,
trainer of heroes.
182
00:08:16,250 --> 00:08:19,500
Then you'll have no trouble
passing the license test.
183
00:08:19,583 --> 00:08:20,959
Hmm.
184
00:08:23,750 --> 00:08:25,417
Mm-hmm, good, good.
185
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:26,583
Good. Oh, yes, very good.
186
00:08:26,750 --> 00:08:28,125
Wow! Most people miss that.
187
00:08:28,417 --> 00:08:31,041
Mm-hmm. Wow! A perfect score!
188
00:08:31,125 --> 00:08:32,542
You could teach this stuff.
189
00:08:32,917 --> 00:08:34,250
Tell me about it.
190
00:08:34,333 --> 00:08:36,500
You are now licensed.
191
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:39,875
And this is also good for a
20% discount at Hero Depot.
192
00:08:39,959 --> 00:08:41,500
Now you tell me?!
193
00:08:41,583 --> 00:08:43,542
So... how do I look?
194
00:08:43,750 --> 00:08:48,208
Mmm... Mmm... You
look, uh... her-heroic.
195
00:08:48,500 --> 00:08:50,458
Thanks. Say, I got an itch
196
00:08:50,542 --> 00:08:52,750
in the middle of my
back. Do you mind?
197
00:08:56,417 --> 00:08:58,000
Ooh, that's good.
198
00:08:58,083 --> 00:08:59,166
You know, Phil,
199
00:08:59,250 --> 00:09:01,166
you don't have to
go through with this.
200
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:04,208
Pfft! Piece of
baklava. It's a chicken!
201
00:09:10,291 --> 00:09:12,250
That's a big chicken.
202
00:09:17,083 --> 00:09:18,291
OK, you distract her,
203
00:09:18,375 --> 00:09:19,434
and I'll come up from behind.
204
00:09:19,458 --> 00:09:23,208
Kid, this is something
I have to do myself.
205
00:09:23,375 --> 00:09:26,625
But, Phil, this isn't
your average chicken.
206
00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:30,625
Buk ah ha ha!
207
00:09:30,709 --> 00:09:31,750
Like I said.
208
00:09:31,834 --> 00:09:33,375
I mean it. No help from you.
209
00:09:33,458 --> 00:09:34,625
Promise?
210
00:09:34,709 --> 00:09:37,834
But... Promise.
211
00:09:41,917 --> 00:09:43,709
Incoming!
212
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:48,250
Bob, um, you sure this is
the story where Phil's a hero?
213
00:09:48,375 --> 00:09:50,875
Uh... let me check my notes.
214
00:09:50,959 --> 00:09:53,375
Yes, this is it.
215
00:09:53,542 --> 00:09:56,208
Honey, I don't see anything
but pain and heartbreak.
216
00:09:56,333 --> 00:09:59,500
Hold on, ladies. There's
more where that came from.
217
00:10:02,458 --> 00:10:05,333
Ow! Ow! Yeow!
218
00:10:26,166 --> 00:10:28,250
Ow! Ooh!
219
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,875
I think you did
really, really well.
220
00:10:35,959 --> 00:10:38,875
I mean, you analyzed the
situation, created a game plan,
221
00:10:38,959 --> 00:10:42,083
followed through,
and almost beat him.
222
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:43,375
I might as well admit it.
223
00:10:43,458 --> 00:10:45,458
I don't belong in
the hero business.
224
00:10:45,542 --> 00:10:47,417
I'm gettin' out while
I still got my horns.
225
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:49,583
Ohh... thank Dad.
226
00:10:49,667 --> 00:10:51,101
Let's go home and
get back to training.
227
00:10:51,125 --> 00:10:52,333
Didn't you hear me?
228
00:10:52,417 --> 00:10:54,834
I'm giving the whole thing up!
229
00:10:54,917 --> 00:10:56,667
I'm resigning as your trainer.
230
00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:58,250
What? But why?
231
00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:00,583
'Cause it's finally
clear to me, kid.
232
00:11:00,667 --> 00:11:03,166
It was never my
students who failed me.
233
00:11:03,417 --> 00:11:05,333
I failed them.
234
00:11:05,417 --> 00:11:07,000
You never failed me, Phil.
235
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:11,417
Not yet, but you could wind up as
just one more of my could've-beens.
236
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:16,542
Get yourself a real trainer.
237
00:11:16,625 --> 00:11:19,166
But where will you
go? What will you do?
238
00:11:19,291 --> 00:11:21,333
My uncle runs a spear company.
239
00:11:21,417 --> 00:11:23,834
He's always begging me
to join the family business.
240
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:27,333
Uh, I'm begging you to stay.
241
00:11:27,417 --> 00:11:29,917
Look, kid, I hate
long good-byes,
242
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,834
so let's just make
this short and sweet.
243
00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:33,959
Go out there and make me proud.
244
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,583
You were my best.
245
00:11:38,125 --> 00:11:40,458
Phil, what will I
do without you?
246
00:11:41,542 --> 00:11:42,834
OK. Maintain your footing.
247
00:11:42,917 --> 00:11:44,667
Keep your head in balance.
248
00:11:44,750 --> 00:11:47,250
Juggle those swords.
You got it, big guy!
249
00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:48,583
Looking good, baby!
250
00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,166
What does it say next?
251
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:52,333
Oh, this guy
Chiron, he's tricky.
252
00:11:52,417 --> 00:11:54,208
He says... ahem.
253
00:11:54,291 --> 00:11:55,208
"Don't you look stupid?
254
00:11:55,291 --> 00:11:56,959
A hero never
follows advice blindly.
255
00:11:57,041 --> 00:11:58,709
A hero thinks for himself.
256
00:11:59,125 --> 00:12:03,166
Thus, you will never be a hero."
257
00:12:03,375 --> 00:12:05,542
Ow! Ooh! Unh!
258
00:12:08,542 --> 00:12:11,250
Ow! Quit kiddin' around, Icarus.
259
00:12:11,333 --> 00:12:12,583
It doesn't say that.
260
00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:14,917
Oh, well, it sure does!
261
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,458
It's right here in chapter six
262
00:12:17,542 --> 00:12:20,959
of the Why You'll Never Be
As Great As Me workbook.
263
00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:23,208
Oh, what's the use?
264
00:12:23,291 --> 00:12:25,458
Hey, slow down!
265
00:12:25,542 --> 00:12:27,458
You're leaping ahead
to chapter seven...
266
00:12:27,542 --> 00:12:29,208
"Defeat. Get used to it!"
267
00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:30,371
That book isn't gonna work.
268
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:32,291
I need a real trainer.
269
00:12:32,375 --> 00:12:34,417
Hey, come on!
270
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:37,166
We're gettin' there, buddy.
You're making progress.
271
00:12:37,250 --> 00:12:40,333
You see, you're
here at "worthless."
272
00:12:40,417 --> 00:12:44,667
You wanna work your way
up all the way over here to...
273
00:12:44,750 --> 00:12:46,041
"mediocre."
274
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,333
Hello, ma'am.
275
00:12:58,417 --> 00:13:01,333
I represent the Satyr
Spear Company,
276
00:13:01,417 --> 00:13:04,500
servicing the Tri-City State
area since the Bronze Age.
277
00:13:04,583 --> 00:13:06,583
Could I interest you
in some weaponry?
278
00:13:06,667 --> 00:13:08,500
No!
279
00:13:08,583 --> 00:13:11,000
You know, uh...
280
00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:15,417
A comely minx like you needs
to be able to protect herself.
281
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:17,625
I can! Go away!
282
00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:19,625
Aah! Aah!
283
00:13:20,875 --> 00:13:22,875
Grrr!
284
00:13:31,959 --> 00:13:34,709
Please, ma'am, just a quick
demo, and I'll be on my way.
285
00:13:36,959 --> 00:13:39,834
What a lovely
home you have here.
286
00:13:39,917 --> 00:13:42,458
It's a sty! Don't snow me!
287
00:13:43,750 --> 00:13:46,583
This is our new
spear, the Evicelady.
288
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:48,375
Compact, stylish, deadly.
289
00:13:48,458 --> 00:13:50,709
Made for today's
woman on the go.
290
00:13:50,792 --> 00:13:53,709
Did ya ever see
a cut that clean?
291
00:13:53,792 --> 00:13:55,625
Nice statue. Who is it?
292
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,375
The last salesman.
293
00:13:57,458 --> 00:13:58,458
Hmm.
294
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:02,375
Huh?
295
00:14:06,166 --> 00:14:07,959
Aaaiiee!
296
00:14:08,375 --> 00:14:09,542
Aah!
297
00:14:11,625 --> 00:14:14,166
OK. A few rounds with the chiron
298
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:16,083
easy-to-assemble training buddy
299
00:14:16,166 --> 00:14:18,166
will put you back
in the spirit, huh?
300
00:14:26,291 --> 00:14:28,834
Ohh! Good form, buddy!
301
00:14:28,917 --> 00:14:30,208
That's, uh... nice hustle.
302
00:14:30,291 --> 00:14:32,083
Let's just, uh... whoo!
303
00:14:32,166 --> 00:14:34,625
Let's work on defense,
OK, buddy? Wake up.
304
00:14:34,709 --> 00:14:36,125
Wake up, buddy.
305
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,875
Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.
306
00:14:40,375 --> 00:14:42,375
Hey, Achilles, allow
me to introduce you
307
00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:44,500
to the ultimate in
home protection,
308
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:48,625
the spear so good it will
make even you look like a man.
309
00:14:50,291 --> 00:14:51,333
Whoa!
310
00:14:57,250 --> 00:14:59,166
I'll never be a hero.
311
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:02,792
Oh, come on, Herc,
it's not over yet.
312
00:15:02,875 --> 00:15:05,458
Chiron her says
to, you know, it's...
313
00:15:05,542 --> 00:15:06,625
Ooh, it's over.
314
00:15:09,917 --> 00:15:12,625
Where's Phil when I need him?
315
00:15:12,709 --> 00:15:14,625
You say you don't need a spear?
316
00:15:14,709 --> 00:15:16,917
My mother could kick your...
317
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:26,875
Hey, watch what you're...
318
00:15:31,709 --> 00:15:33,083
Now, that's good news.
319
00:15:33,583 --> 00:15:35,834
It's a spear seller's dream.
320
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:01,291
- It's coming!
- Aah! We're doomed!
321
00:16:01,375 --> 00:16:04,667
Did you turn off the
dining room candle?
322
00:16:04,750 --> 00:16:06,667
Ooh! What a disaster area!
323
00:16:06,750 --> 00:16:08,083
Like they say,
324
00:16:08,166 --> 00:16:10,125
location, location, location.
325
00:16:10,709 --> 00:16:12,458
We need a god to help us!
326
00:16:12,542 --> 00:16:14,333
We are defenseless!
327
00:16:14,417 --> 00:16:17,709
A spear! A spear!
My hovel for a spear!
328
00:16:17,792 --> 00:16:19,208
Spears?
329
00:16:19,291 --> 00:16:20,291
Did I hear "spears"?
330
00:16:20,375 --> 00:16:22,333
Step right this way,
pal. I happen to have...
331
00:16:22,417 --> 00:16:24,875
Good, good. How
much is this one?
332
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,333
The Puncture Pal
2000. A fine choice!
333
00:16:27,417 --> 00:16:30,417
Comes in a set of eight, plus
a handsome carrying case.
334
00:16:30,542 --> 00:16:31,625
I only want one!
335
00:16:31,750 --> 00:16:33,375
But wait. There's more.
336
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:34,959
Monogramming at half-price.
337
00:16:35,083 --> 00:16:36,601
I could have it back
to you in a week.
338
00:16:36,625 --> 00:16:38,583
I'm under attack today!
339
00:16:38,709 --> 00:16:41,750
Look, pal, I'm trying
to work with you here.
340
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,208
Citizens! Citizens of Corinth!
341
00:16:44,291 --> 00:16:47,583
Please! Panic in
an orderly fashion.
342
00:16:47,709 --> 00:16:49,250
Home fleers to the right,
343
00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:52,250
looters and
pillagers to the left.
344
00:16:53,291 --> 00:16:56,417
We've checked every
city-state in Phil's territory.
345
00:16:56,917 --> 00:16:58,709
Where is he?
346
00:16:58,792 --> 00:17:00,667
For the sake of all humanity,
347
00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:02,417
somebody stop him!
348
00:17:02,542 --> 00:17:04,583
Stop him!
349
00:17:05,375 --> 00:17:06,709
A monster?
350
00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:09,500
No. That guy!
351
00:17:09,625 --> 00:17:13,083
But I didn't tell you
about our special offer!
352
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:14,458
Free home delivery!
353
00:17:14,542 --> 00:17:16,458
Hey, Phil!
354
00:17:16,542 --> 00:17:18,417
Great to see you, too, kid.
355
00:17:18,542 --> 00:17:21,250
I want you back as
my trainer. I need you.
356
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:23,041
Kid, like I already told you...
357
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:24,917
The catoblepas is here!
358
00:17:30,166 --> 00:17:32,208
What did he say?
359
00:17:32,291 --> 00:17:34,375
The catoblepas!
360
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:40,291
An ugly mug,
361
00:17:40,417 --> 00:17:43,959
bronze hide, and
very bad breath.
362
00:17:44,125 --> 00:17:46,250
Yup. That's a catoblepas.
363
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:48,000
These people need
a hero right now.
364
00:17:49,125 --> 00:17:50,417
Don't go anywhere, Phil.
365
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,291
I'll be right back.
366
00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:54,208
Kid, you don't know
what you're up against.
367
00:17:54,291 --> 00:17:56,000
That's a catoblepas!
368
00:17:56,125 --> 00:17:57,417
You need a trainer.
369
00:17:57,542 --> 00:17:59,166
There's no way
I'm ready for this,
370
00:17:59,291 --> 00:18:00,792
but I've got to try.
371
00:18:02,125 --> 00:18:04,458
Excuse me. Young
man, are you a hero?
372
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,667
I'm a hero in training.
373
00:18:06,792 --> 00:18:08,166
Do you have a hero license?
374
00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:11,375
Uh, no, but this is
kind of an emergency,
375
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:12,667
don't you think?
376
00:18:13,250 --> 00:18:14,291
Tsk tsk tsk.
377
00:18:14,375 --> 00:18:16,583
Deadly chaos is no
excuse for breaking the law.
378
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,375
I'm issuing you a
hero learner's permit.
379
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:21,959
No heroic acts after 5 p.m.
380
00:18:22,083 --> 00:18:24,291
You have precisely,
in a few moments,
381
00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:25,792
coming up now.
382
00:18:25,917 --> 00:18:27,166
Six minutes.
383
00:18:28,625 --> 00:18:30,834
Don't breathe near it, and
don't look it in the eyes.
384
00:18:30,917 --> 00:18:33,458
- Why not?
- Ask that guy.
385
00:18:57,458 --> 00:18:58,959
Phil!
386
00:18:59,041 --> 00:19:00,959
A little help here, Phil!
387
00:19:01,083 --> 00:19:04,291
Ah, the kid's right. He
needs a trainer, and I'm it.
388
00:19:04,375 --> 00:19:06,166
Kid, if you're
Hades-bent on doing this,
389
00:19:06,291 --> 00:19:08,709
do it right. Here.
390
00:19:08,792 --> 00:19:10,083
I can't see.
391
00:19:10,208 --> 00:19:11,417
That's the idea.
392
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,792
You gotta rely on
your other senses.
393
00:19:13,875 --> 00:19:16,375
Vision deprivation
training, remember?
394
00:19:16,458 --> 00:19:17,959
We never got around to that.
395
00:19:18,041 --> 00:19:19,792
We're gettin' to it now!
396
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:28,583
Steady, kid!
397
00:19:31,417 --> 00:19:32,542
Where is it?
398
00:19:32,625 --> 00:19:34,041
Listen for it!
399
00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:42,875
Let your ears be your eyes.
400
00:19:42,959 --> 00:19:45,458
My ears?!
401
00:19:45,542 --> 00:19:47,709
Yes, which means less mouth!
402
00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:54,125
Tuck and roll!
403
00:19:59,750 --> 00:20:01,041
Ears to the ground!
404
00:20:03,917 --> 00:20:05,375
Get into his blind spot!
405
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:07,959
His blind spot?!
406
00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:10,667
Aah!
407
00:20:16,709 --> 00:20:18,750
Can't look at me now, can you?
408
00:20:32,750 --> 00:20:35,125
The lake! Kid,
take him for a dip!
409
00:20:35,208 --> 00:20:38,417
With that bronze hide,
he'll sink like a stone!
410
00:20:38,583 --> 00:20:39,583
Gotcha!
411
00:21:02,917 --> 00:21:04,834
Kid! Kid!
412
00:21:09,834 --> 00:21:11,041
Ohhh!
413
00:21:11,166 --> 00:21:12,959
Oh, way to go, kid!
414
00:21:13,125 --> 00:21:15,917
May that beast rust in peace!
415
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,041
Thank you!
416
00:21:17,125 --> 00:21:18,917
Oh, thank you, Hercules.
417
00:21:19,041 --> 00:21:21,500
You saved us. You're my hero.
418
00:21:21,625 --> 00:21:23,500
You mean we are heroes.
419
00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:25,583
Ah, come on, cut it out, kid.
420
00:21:25,667 --> 00:21:26,792
I'm no hero.
421
00:21:26,917 --> 00:21:28,125
Yes, you are.
422
00:21:28,208 --> 00:21:30,083
I couldn't have
done this without you.
423
00:21:30,166 --> 00:21:32,083
That makes you my hero.
424
00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:36,458
Well, thanks, but I was just getting
the hang of being a salesman.
425
00:21:36,583 --> 00:21:39,166
Yeah, and one more sales pitch,
426
00:21:39,250 --> 00:21:41,000
and we were going to hang you!
427
00:21:41,083 --> 00:21:42,625
Uh, you heard the kid.
428
00:21:42,750 --> 00:21:44,917
I'm with him.
Heroes, party of two.
429
00:21:46,417 --> 00:21:48,500
Let's hear it for Phil!
430
00:21:48,625 --> 00:21:54,208
Hip hip, hero!
431
00:21:54,291 --> 00:21:57,208
And that's how
Philoctetes got to be a hero.
432
00:21:57,333 --> 00:22:00,792
Uh, Bob, before we go,
could you do one thing?
433
00:22:00,917 --> 00:22:03,041
- What's that?
- Do that statue trick again.
434
00:22:03,166 --> 00:22:05,625
Sure! Why not?
435
00:22:11,208 --> 00:22:13,125
We won't tell
anybody if you don't.
436
00:22:13,208 --> 00:22:15,000
You kidding? I wasn't even here.
29881
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