Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Is he bold? ♪ - ♪ No one braver ♪

- ♪ Is he sweet? ♪ - ♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

- ♪ And the nicest guy ♪ - ♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero ♪

♪ Give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

The landscape of ancient Greece

was fairly bursting with heroes...

The adventurous Jason...

the courageous Theseus...

the wise and knowledgeable Philoctetes...

Eh, you better check yourself, Bob.

Phil? A hero?

You must be mistaken, honey.

Unh! Sorry, horn boy, this is the hall of heroes.

Phil was a hero.

Um, how'd you do that?

A powerful speaking voice can move mountains.

Mmm, turn it out, baby.

We are listenin'.

Ahem. Our story begins inauspiciously...

at the hub of the Athenian social whirl...

Speedy Pita.

Ahh!

You gonna eat that, kid?

Um, no, Phil. Here.

- Delish! - A hero?

You're 100% on this, Bob?

Shh! Let's not pull everyone out of the story.

Whoa, I wonder what the excitement is.

How'd he get out of the underworld?

The question is, how do you get him back there?

Remember, kid, watch his tail!

As a hero-in-training,

I must ask you to return to the shores of the River Styx

from which you escaped.

And why is that?

Um... Because you're a monster?

Oh! You eat a few hundred people, and you're labeled for life?

Oh, come on! They were just kids!

Hyah!

Aah!

Stop splashin' me, boy!

Memnon!

Vile lackey of Hades!

Chiron!

Hard-nosed, hero-training horse-haunch!

Putrid spawn of the underworld.

Ooh, that's good.

Can you write that in my copy?

Ohh ho ho, sure!

To the putrid Memnon, keep on terrorizin'.

Your good foe, Chiron.

One of my best foes writes a scroll, I have to have one.

Oh, thanks, and one more for my daughter, Memnona with an "a."

You're a peach!

Ooh, let me know what you think of our fight in chapter XII.

Can't wait. The way you laid me out... wow!

You know, I'm still on light duty.

Hey, look me up the next time

you're in the bowels of the abyss. I promise I'll eat ya.

Just kidding! See you in the underworld! Ha ha ha ha!

Ohh... You OK, kid?

Philoctetes!

And Hercules...

the little hero who couldn't! Heh heh ha!

Hey, lay off the kid.

Mark my words, he's gonna be the greatest!

Hah! That's what you've said about every one of your hero wannabes.

Someday they're gonna be writing scrolls about Phil,

the greatest trainer there ever was.

Oh, sure. I'll look for it under fiction. Heh heh heh!

Did you ever rescue a damsel?

- Well, no. - Slay a dragon?

- No, but, I, uh... - Blind a cyclops?

- Not as such. - Teased a titan?

Ooh! Shut up!

Face it, Phil, if you've never been a hero,

how can you teach a hero?

Which I discuss in chapter VI...

"Those who can, do...

Those who can't do... teach!"

Yeah? Well...

- You teach. - From experience.

Listen, bucko, I've got gut instinct!

You've got the gut.

That much is true.

Unh! Ah! Unh!

Ohh!

Ha! Not this time.

Oof!

Phil, you're supposed to be coaching me.

You're doin' fine.

This is fine?

Vision-deprivation training is not for wimps.

Come on, Phil, what's wrong?

Ooh, that... that... that oat-eater thinks he's so great!

Oy, this is one of those midlife crises.

Phil, come on.

Don't let him get your goat, uh, so to speak.

OK, yeah, Chiron was a world-class hero,

and now he's a really famous hero trainer,

and, sure, technically,

none of your guys ever went the distance.

But it's not your fault.

No one knows more about being a hero than you.

Hey.

You know, you're right, rookie.

I am? I mean, yeah! You're darn... darn tootin'.

Ha ha ha. Maybe we oughta switch, you know.

I'll be the coach, and you be the hero.

You know, with everything I know, I could be a hero.

Hmm? Uh, it was a joke, Phil.

No, no, no. It's time I do somethin'

instead of talk about it. I just gotta find some action.

And I know the best place to start.

The want ads!

"Wood nymph seeks satyr for conversation and fun.

No smokers."

Hmm. For later.

"Hero wanted to stop cyclops from eating city council in Thebes."

Hmm.

It was a joke, Phil.

- Really. - Ooh, lookie here.

"Atlantis City seeks hero

to sink sea serpent with mile of living gullet."

Ooh, sounds beautifully risky.

Look, if you're gonna do this, start small.

Uh, this is a good one.

"Cockatrice terrorizing Eleusis.

We're being egged to death."

Come on, it's just a chicken.

Ah! There are no small foes, just small heroes.

Rule 186!

You're right, kid!

Eleusis it is!

"Hero Depot... Your Carnage Superstore."

Ooh, look at this!

One-stop hero shopping!

What's this do? Ooh!

Teaches you not to touch.

Let's get one.

Hmm.

Not enough range.

Nah. Too flimsy.

Handle's not centered.

Oh, look at this one! Cool!

Always check the safety.

Shield, 29.95.

Bludgeon buddy, 13.99.

Mmm. Hmm...

Price check on the Spartan army knife!

While we're waiting, I'll need to see your hero's license.

License?!

Welcome to the Department of Slaughter and Power,

how can I be of civil service today?

What's this nonsense about a hero license?

New city ordinance.

Too many do-it-yourself heroes are getting hurt.

We can't be responsible.

Hey, I'm not just some yahoo, pal!

I'm Philoctetes, trainer of heroes.

Then you'll have no trouble passing the license test.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm, good, good.

Good. Oh, yes, very good.

Wow! Most people miss that.

Mm-hmm. Wow! A perfect score!

You could teach this stuff.

Tell me about it.

You are now licensed.

And this is also good for a 20% discount at Hero Depot.

Now you tell me?!

So... how do I look?

Mmm... Mmm... You look, uh... her-heroic.

Thanks. Say, I got an itch

in the middle of my back. Do you mind?

Ooh, that's good.

You know, Phil,

you don't have to go through with this.

Pfft! Piece of baklava. It's a chicken!

That's a big chicken.

OK, you distract her,

and I'll come up from behind.

Kid, this is something I have to do myself.

But, Phil, this isn't your average chicken.

Buk ah ha ha!

Like I said.

I mean it. No help from you.

Promise?

But... Promise.

Incoming!

Bob, um, you sure this is the story where Phil's a hero?

Uh... let me check my notes.

Yes, this is it.

Honey, I don't see anything but pain and heartbreak.

Hold on, ladies. There's more where that came from.

Ow! Ow! Yeow!

Ow! Ooh!

I think you did really, really well.

I mean, you analyzed the situation, created a game plan,

followed through, and almost beat him.

I might as well admit it.

I don't belong in the hero business.

I'm gettin' out while I still got my horns.

Ohh... thank Dad.

Let's go home and get back to training.

Didn't you hear me?

I'm giving the whole thing up!

I'm resigning as your trainer.

What? But why?

'Cause it's finally clear to me, kid.

It was never my students who failed me.

I failed them.

You never failed me, Phil.

Not yet, but you could wind up as just one more of my could've-beens.

Get yourself a real trainer.

But where will you go? What will you do?

My uncle runs a spear company.

He's always begging me to join the family business.

Uh, I'm begging you to stay.

Look, kid, I hate long good-byes,

so let's just make this short and sweet.

Go out there and make me proud.

You were my best.

Phil, what will I do without you?

OK. Maintain your footing.

Keep your head in balance.

Juggle those swords. You got it, big guy!

Looking good, baby!

What does it say next?

Oh, this guy Chiron, he's tricky.

He says... ahem.

"Don't you look stupid?

A hero never follows advice blindly.

A hero thinks for himself.

Thus, you will never be a hero."

Ow! Ooh! Unh!

Ow! Quit kiddin' around, Icarus.

It doesn't say that.

Oh, well, it sure does!

It's right here in chapter six

of the Why You'll Never Be As Great As Me workbook.

Oh, what's the use?

Hey, slow down!

You're leaping ahead to chapter seven...

"Defeat. Get used to it!"

That book isn't gonna work.

I need a real trainer.

Hey, come on!

We're gettin' there, buddy. You're making progress.

You see, you're here at "worthless."

You wanna work your way up all the way over here to...

"mediocre."

Hello, ma'am.

I represent the Satyr Spear Company,

servicing the Tri-City State area since the Bronze Age.

Could I interest you in some weaponry?

No!

You know, uh...

A comely minx like you needs to be able to protect herself.

I can! Go away!

Aah! Aah!

Grrr!

Please, ma'am, just a quick demo, and I'll be on my way.

What a lovely home you have here.

It's a sty! Don't snow me!

This is our new spear, the Evicelady.

Compact, stylish, deadly.

Made for today's woman on the go.

Did ya ever see a cut that clean?

Nice statue. Who is it?

The last salesman.

Hmm.

Huh?

Aaaiiee!

Aah!

OK. A few rounds with the chiron

easy-to-assemble training buddy

will put you back in the spirit, huh?

Ohh! Good form, buddy!

That's, uh... nice hustle.

Let's just, uh... whoo!

Let's work on defense, OK, buddy? Wake up.

Wake up, buddy.

Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.

Hey, Achilles, allow me to introduce you

to the ultimate in home protection,

the spear so good it will make even you look like a man.

Whoa!

I'll never be a hero.

Oh, come on, Herc, it's not over yet.

Chiron her says to, you know, it's...

Ooh, it's over.

Where's Phil when I need him?

You say you don't need a spear?

My mother could kick your...

Hey, watch what you're...

Now, that's good news.

It's a spear seller's dream.

- It's coming! - Aah! We're doomed!

Did you turn off the dining room candle?

Ooh! What a disaster area!

Like they say,

location, location, location.

We need a god to help us!

We are defenseless!

A spear! A spear! My hovel for a spear!

Spears?

Did I hear "spears"?

Step right this way, pal. I happen to have...

Good, good. How much is this one?

The Puncture Pal 2000. A fine choice!

Comes in a set of eight, plus a handsome carrying case.

I only want one!

But wait. There's more.

Monogramming at half-price.

I could have it back to you in a week.

I'm under attack today!

Look, pal, I'm trying to work with you here.

Citizens! Citizens of Corinth!

Please! Panic in an orderly fashion.

Home fleers to the right,

looters and pillagers to the left.

We've checked every city-state in Phil's territory.

Where is he?

For the sake of all humanity,

somebody stop him!

Stop him!

A monster?

No. That guy!

But I didn't tell you about our special offer!

Free home delivery!

Hey, Phil!

Great to see you, too, kid.

I want you back as my trainer. I need you.

Kid, like I already told you...

The catoblepas is here!

What did he say?

The catoblepas!

An ugly mug,

bronze hide, and very bad breath.

Yup. That's a catoblepas.

These people need a hero right now.

Don't go anywhere, Phil.

I'll be right back.

Kid, you don't know what you're up against.

That's a catoblepas!

You need a trainer.

There's no way I'm ready for this,

but I've got to try.

Excuse me. Young man, are you a hero?

I'm a hero in training.

Do you have a hero license?

Uh, no, but this is kind of an emergency,

don't you think?

Tsk tsk tsk.

Deadly chaos is no excuse for breaking the law.

I'm issuing you a hero learner's permit.

No heroic acts after 5 p.m.

You have precisely, in a few moments,

coming up now.

Six minutes.

Don't breathe near it, and don't look it in the eyes.

- Why not? - Ask that guy.

Phil!

A little help here, Phil!

Ah, the kid's right. He needs a trainer, and I'm it.

Kid, if you're Hades-bent on doing this,

do it right. Here.

I can't see.

That's the idea.

You gotta rely on your other senses.

Vision deprivation training, remember?

We never got around to that.

We're gettin' to it now!

Steady, kid!

Where is it?

Listen for it!

Let your ears be your eyes.

My ears?!

Yes, which means less mouth!

Tuck and roll!

Ears to the ground!

Get into his blind spot!

His blind spot?!

Aah!

Can't look at me now, can you?

The lake! Kid, take him for a dip!

With that bronze hide, he'll sink like a stone!

Gotcha!

Kid! Kid!

Ohhh!

Oh, way to go, kid!

May that beast rust in peace!

Thank you!

Oh, thank you, Hercules.

You saved us. You're my hero.

You mean we are heroes.

Ah, come on, cut it out, kid.

I'm no hero.

Yes, you are.

I couldn't have done this without you.

That makes you my hero.

Well, thanks, but I was just getting the hang of being a salesman.

Yeah, and one more sales pitch,

and we were going to hang you!

Uh, you heard the kid.

I'm with him. Heroes, party of two.

Let's hear it for Phil!

Hip hip, hero!

And that's how Philoctetes got to be a hero.

Uh, Bob, before we go, could you do one thing?

- What's that? - Do that statue trick again.

Sure! Why not?

We won't tell anybody if you don't.

You kidding? I wasn't even here.