Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in Gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪ ♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Long, long ago, in ancient, ancient Greece,

elemental chaos ruled the earth.

It was the dark age of the Titans.

The mighty Zeus himself stepped up and stopped the pandemonium.

Safely imprisoned beneath the deepest sea,

the Titans ruled no more.

Gods and mortals alike rejoiced.

Everyone was happy.

Well, almost everyone.

Comrades! The noble Titans have been captive too long.

We demand their freedom!

Yes!

Today we bring the usurper Zeus

to his 60-cubit-high knees!

Yes!

Today Zeus shall know and fear

the people's organization of titanic liberators!

Yes!

For today, we target the Prometheus Academy,

for it is there

we shall seize the usurper's own flesh and blood...

Hercules!

Pootl! Pootl!

Oh, wow. Icarus, what happened in there?

You're crying.

Ohh!

Tears of joy, my friend!

Tears o' joy.

My career-destiny reading.

Read it, and you, too, shall weep.

It says you're destined for a career in a Greek chorus?

That's right!

Musical theater, baby!

A Greek chorus line.

Oh, Gods! I hope I get it.

Hercules.

So, Mr. Parenthesis, sir,

how does this career test work?

With great exactitude and a bucket of oxen guts.

Oxen... Guts.

Minus the kidneys. Too slippery.

For generations, we have used the oracular reading of oxen guts

to predict our students' careers...

or lack thereof.

Yeggh.

Couldn't you use some sort of... aptitude test instead?

We tried that.

The oxen guts were more accurate by 72%.

- Aha! - What is it?

These guts clearly indicate, alpha...

That this ox needed more roughage,

and, beta... that you are destined for a career as a liberator.

A liberator?

Oh. You mean someone who frees people,

does good deeds?

Ha ha! Sounds like a hero to me.

Whoops. Misread the pancreas.

My mistake.

You're not going to be a liberator.

You're going to be a librarian.

What?

No way.

Librarians hang out in... Eegh! Libraries.

I'm a hero-in-training.

Hercules, we live in an age of learning...

Reason, Philosophy... With the occasional sacrifice.

There is simply no place in the modern world

for the mindless, sweaty,

hairy-backed machismo of the hero.

What's all this, then?

Another "Beat Sparta" rally?

No. It couldn't be.

But it is. No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

It's Pootls! Hide!

Why? They're so cute,

with those poofy little tails.

Not poodles.

Pootls!

The Popular... or is it the People's...

Organization of Titanic Liberators.

It's a radical group who want to return to the dark age

when Titans ruled the earth.

Hah. This is where you need a hero... ugh!

Tsk tsk tsk. A head is a terrible thing to waste.

We'll reason our way out of this,

if I can find the right page.

Uh, uh... Ilcarus,

your flair for the dance is stunning,

but we are practicing the joy of javelins today.

Come on, Mr. Phys Oedipus!

Soft sandal, everybody.

Oh! Dance, ten. Brains, three.

Huh.

Well, that doesn't sound very soft.

Ooh-ooh! Transfer students.

Oh, I see you're ready...

Ready for javelin day. Great!

That'll be a lovely olive soufflé, Helen.

Does anyone know why we always, always,

always keep a soufflé on the fire?

Cassandra?

You just never know who's going to pop by.

That's right, Cassandra. That's exactly right.

Like the invading Titanists outside our classroom.

Oh!

Barbarian!

A gentleman should always abduct a lady from the left.

Uh, sorry, ma'am.

Full classroom emptiness

99.9% double confirmed and re-verified, sir!

Where is Hercules?

Uh, well, sir, he's the .1.

Whereabouts currently negatively known,

uh, sir!

Students of the Prometheus Academy,

we are the Pootls.

Oh, the poodles, like the fluffy dog.

No, not like the fluffy dog.

We are the Peoples' Organization of Titanic Liberators.

And you, boys and girls, are our hostages.

Ooh! I always wanted to be a hostage.

It's so edgy. The bewilderment,

the unspeakable mind-bending terror.

Actually, it's a lot like hanging out with you.

Cooperate and everything will be just figgy.

Now, can anyone tell me the whereabouts

of one of your little friends

by the name of Hercules?

Ha! Poodle boy doesn't know

is that our hero-in-residence is in Parenthesis' office.

Adonis, I can't stay here.

I have an olive soufflé in the home grec oven.

It'll just be a disaster.

Fear not, my princess,

I will speak with this uncouth ruffian.

Excuse me, I believe you are the lead poodle.

Top dog if you will.

Top dog, ah, me. Yes, well, look.

Daddums is richer than a chocolate-covered falafel ball.

Let us go and you can fill in any amount you'd like.

There is no price tag on freedom, rich boy.

Now, where is Hercules?

Oh, no. We nobles have a very strict code of honor.

I could never betray a classmate.

Very well.

Major Bias, prepare a hot bath

for this honorable young noble.

Oh, that's better. Thank you.

A bath of boiling oil.

He's in Parenthesis' office.

Retrieve him at once.

Adonis, how could you?

Well, what can I say?

We nobles also have a very strong instinct for self-preservation.

Get ready for some heroic action.

No, Hercules.

These blue scrolls,

copyright the Minoan construction

and commode company,

and human reason are our best weapons.

Aha. Here it is.

Commence non-traditional entry maneuvers.

Negative herculean presence.

Effect return to operations center, ASAP.

See there? A perfect example of the superiority of reason

over impulsive action.

Now, please save us from that giant aqueduct rat,

man-eating variety, while I ponder our next step.

Ow!

Capital! This branch of the aqueduct goes directly

and conveniently to the Athens police department's men's room.

There. Reason has saved us.

Reason wasn't the one kicking rat tail back there.

Let's see now, uh,

this way will take us to the cafeterium.

Whatever reason dictates.

All right, look alive, men.

The Athens P.D. received an urgent S.O.S.

about rampaging poodles.

We've called in the expert.

The dog catcher.

We are not poodles, we are Pootls!

The People's Organization of Titanic Liberators.

Uh, this canine confusion is a negative, sir.

I know.

We are to be taken seriously.

We have demands!

Sorry to waste your time.

What are your demands?

I demand to speak with Zeus!

Forget it!

Zeus has a strict "No negotiating with Titanists" policy.

But I'll run it by him.

You see? Brain power, my boy,

has allowed us... Shh! There's the leader.

Soon Zeus himself will cower.

Be proud, my Pootls!

They're holding the school hostage.

A classic hero situation.

Heroics and reckless horseplay are forbidden in the cafeterium.

Hercules, stop!

This means detention.

Hercules.

As a hero-in-training, I must request

that you release these innocent students and surrender.

I think not.

Spawn of Zeus!

Aah.

Sorry. Sometimes I don't know my own strength.

That makes two of us.

Uh-oh.

Ye Gods and minor deities,

the incredibly horrible giant and half-titan Antaeus.

Aah! Aah!

Feels like... a whole Titan to me.

Hero to plush toy, just like that.

Hercules!

And so, sirens blaring,

the Athens P.D. raced to the temple of Zeus

with the grim news.

This is gonna go over like a bronze balloon.

You're having trouble with a bunch of fluffy doggies?

No, sir. The Pootls.

A pack of Titan-loving extremists.

They want you to free the Titans.

What? Free the Titans?

Do you have any idea what it was like in the dark age of the Titans?

Dark?

It was bedlam! Pandemonium!

The unrelenting bleakness of primordial chaos.

Plus there was this nasty odor.

And they want to go back to that?

I'll inform the Titanists that you will not give in to their demand.

Don't bother. Heh, I'll deal with the Titanists myself.

Hephaestus! Charge up the bolts, baby!

Herc? Herc-meister?

Come on, come on, buddy.

How many fingers am I holding up? Come on.

Uh, that's a trick question.

They're toes, all toes.

His sundial's been rung.

Let me see, school taken by Pootls, students held hostage,

hero-in-training confounded...

This calls for immediate thought.

Plan alpha... Do nothing, very tempting.

Plan beta... What of my soufflé?

Uh, can't somebody do something before we have a culinary disaster.

I can.

Deep in each one of us is a special ability,

I know it, you know it, the ox guts know it.

Now, it's time for my gods given talent to shine.

Icarus...

♪ Hello, my dolma, hello, my date loaf ♪

♪ Hello, my psychic gal ♪

♪ Yakka-ta-ta, yakka-ta-ta ♪

Ta-da!

Break a leg, Icarus. Or two, ideally.

You can't keep this kind of talent from the world, baby.

Now come on, let us go.

Jazz hands, everybody.

Musical theater.

Yeah, isn't it magical?

I hate musical theater.

Oh, even rock opera?

Hey, leave him alone!

Ah, spawn of the usurper.

Still feeling heroic?

No! Think!

That's right, Antaeus.

No more Mr. Thinking guy.

I don't care how big and rocky you are.

I'm a hero-in-training and I... Titanist!

Hold that thought, would you?

Zeus has heard your demand.

He'll be here momentarily

to deliver his reply personally.

Excellent. Sorry, you were saying?

I was saying, I'm a hero-in-training.

You can keep me, but you'd better release my friends,

or... or else!

All right. OK, you asked for...

Huh? You'll let them go?

Well, uh, oh, great. Uh, thanks.

It's my pleasure.

Major Bias, release the other students.

Sir, yes, sir!

Oh, yes!

Sweet freedom.

The 2-step combo gets them every time.

Zeus is gonna give these Titanists

a one-way ticket to Hades.

But Hercules is still in there.

Oh, don't worry, my little ingenue.

Herc has some fancy footwork of his own.

Heh, I knew a little action was all we needed.

The hostages are free. Problem solved.

That, my heroic friend, is where you are mistaken.

You are the only hostage I need.

I always planned to let the others go.

Oh, oh... oh.

You heroes are so strong on action, and so weak on reason.

There.

The perfectly reasoned attack.

You'll never get away with this. My father will...

Do exactly as I say.

Zeus will not endanger his son,

his demi-godling.

You see, Hercules,

we are much alike, you and I.

Caught between two worlds.

Except I'm good and you're evil.

Now you're splitting hairs.

I'm so sorry, I beg your pardon, but...

Oops. Recommend prisoner evacuation

to low or non-risk location, sir!

Very well, Major.

Hey, where are we going?

Parenthesis!

As you can see, my, if I may say so,

cleverly reasoned subterfuge has effected your escape,

which your heroics, brave as they may be, could not.

Hercules.

Isn't the Colossus supposed to be in Rhodes?

Well, speaking as a former Rhodes scholar honorary,

this certainly isn't that Colossus.

Hello! Enter Zeus.

Sweet Mother Earth!

Lay down your thunderbolt of oppression, tyrant.

Behold my hostage.

Son?

Uh, hi, Dad.

Hercules.

Sorry, Father.

I got all the other hostages out, though.

That's good, son, that's good.

- Where are you going? - To release the Titans.

It's not worth losing you over, my boy.

Ah, Zeus, I'm so glad you see things in a reasonable light.

No, Father, wait! I can't let him do this.

My plan, though I hate to admit it, seems to have failed.

Uh, do you suppose you could, uh, smash these rocks?

Ha ha! Now you're talking.

You will not escape.

Ah, says you.

I'm beginning to appreciate this acting heroic business.

Oh, no.

But on the other hand, I do hear very good things

about running away in terror. Aah!

If it's not too much trouble, where are we going?

The front gate is that way.

Heh, I know. But we're going to the library.

Aah!

Here. Fight them off.

Really now...

Let's discuss this reasonably, say tomorrow?

Ooh!

Adrenaline rush! Or is it my bladder?

Hey, not bad.

Come on!

Lovely soufflé. Olive, I think.

- Yes! - Great explosion!

Ooh, good thinking, too.

Uh-oh.

We better hit the scrolls, fast.

Poseidon, reveal the Titans.

You heard me, Po-Po.

Ammunition.

"Homer, Hacied, heroic's digest,

how to win frays and influence monsters."

Hey, this is pretty cool stuff.

Ha! "The complete works of Pindar unabridged."

This baby will do some damage.

Uh, that's not what I had in mind.

Oh, here we go, here we go, now we're talking.

Ooh. What's that?

"Social registry of Gods, Titans, and other immortals.

Copyright Hyperion scribes, all rights reserved."

This way!

Uh, "Aeolus, Amalthea... Antaeus!

Half-titan, rocky son of Gaia the Earth..."

Son of Gaia! That's it!

Whenever he touches the Earth Gaia gives him strength.

My secret is out.

I'm crushed.

Not yet.

But you will be.

Whoa!

Down, Pootls, down!

No! Stop it, stop it right now!

Put me down!

I think not!

Aah!

Back off.

Stinkin' Titans.

Aah! Oh!

Antaeus. Ha. Guess your plan went down the drain.

Usurper!

Poseidon, shut 'em up!

All right, all right.

All Pootls in the dog catcher's wagon.

And don't try this or any other skullduggery again.

Bye! It certainly was a treat having you in class.

Have a great summer... in jail.

Show stopper, baby!

Hey, Pootls, next time rehearse out of town.

And then I, in truly royal fashion,

saved my fellow students from certain doom.

You? All you did was royally rat out Hercules.

And if I hadn't, he wouldn't have been there

to rescue us, now would he?

My soufflé?

Uh, I'm sorry.

It didn't make it.

Oh.

Uh, you wanted to see me?

Ah, yes, Hercules. Come in, come in.

I've decided that our old scientific method

of career guidance using ox guts

was unsatisfactory, particularly for the ox.

Aah!

You have proven to me

that there's always room in the modern world

for a reasoning hero, such as yourself.

So, perhaps you'd like to form a heroics club,

extracurricular, of course?

Aw, that's OK. I get plenty of hero-training with Phil.

But, um, I, uh, was thinking

a hero should exercise his brawn and his brain.

So I, heh, I was wondering...

could I work in the library part-time?

Deal. If you'll teach me some of those totally radical spear tricks.

Ow!