Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Ooh! Ooh! Oh! Aah!

Oh!

Unh!

Help me!

Aah!

Whoa, whoa whoa!

Help, somebody!

A big strong hero, for example!

I'll save you! Aah!

Ughh!

Help, I say!

I repeat!

Help!

Uh-oh.

Help!

I'm not kidding!

Ooh, thank you, you big strong hero.

Not the fastest rescue on record,

but at least you finally got to...

Uh, Phil, there's something you should know about this damsel in distress.

What are you... Ahem!

What are you talking about?

She's uh, not quite a damsel.

Yech! This is the last time

I'm ordering from the Zero To Hero catalog.

Well, the rescue still counts, right?

I mean, just because it's a dude in distress

doesn't make a difference, does it?

Kid, it only makes

all the difference in the world.

Listen, hero rule number 147, dudes save damsels.

Women are delicate, frail, and helpless.

That's what they do... delicate stuff, like cooking and cleaning.

But isn't that stuff hard work?

The point is, if you're gonna be a real hero,

you gotta rescue damsels, not some dude.

But what about the time I saved you?

That is totally different.

Really? Ha! How!

Well, it's... I mean...

Hey, would you look at the time?

You better get to school, hero.

Home greconomics.

Ugh, how I dread this class!

Oh, but muffin cakes,

it prepares us for the day when we're equal domestic partners.

Plus you get to eat your mistakes!

Ho!

I was being narrow-minded.

It's my life that I dread.

OK. Simmer down, people.

Let's get cooking!

Ha ha ha!

Uh, ahem! Okey-dokey, artichokies,

Today we'll be making stuffed olive surprise,

and home-baked pita bread!

Yummy!

Let's all measure out two cups of flour.

Uh, flour... cup.

You... do it.

Now add just a pinch of baking soda.

Ha! Very funny. Look, you're the girl, so you should...

Make you do the cooking. It's only natural.

Separate the eggs. Don't fall behind now.

Tempest, come on.

Food preparation is your department.

I'm a warrior, not a cook.

Well, I never cooked in my life!

And it's time you start!

- Tempest! - Hercules!

Hey, guys, can I borrow some...

Flour?

Ha ha ha!

Ho, yeah!

Thank you! Huh?

Honey, see what fun they're having over here?

Oh, come on. You gotta admit, that was... that was kinda funny.

Perhaps it was slightly humorous.

What-what's wrong?

If I got caught smiling, I'd be hauled away

in an instant.

Wh... Aw, come on.

- Who would... - Aah!

Hut, hut, hut, hut!

Hyah!

- Hyah! - Hyah!

Aah!

You have brought shame to your Amazon sisters.

Hey, what's going on here?

Mind your own business!

All right! Move out!

Come on!

Let go of her!

Huh?

Stuffed olive loaf, huh?

Which way did they go?

If I tell you the docks,

will you go racing off into a situation

you cannot possibly comprehend?

I gotta save Tempest!

Just checking.

Stroke!

Looks like our boy Herc's about to learn a lesson

in tough from Tempest and the Amazons.

And, honey, Miss Tempest is a purring kitten

compared to her mama!

Mm-hmm.

Hey, thanks for covering for me, ladies.

My yoga class went a little long.

No problem, bobby, baby.

Oh, now, where were we?

Settin' sail for the island of the Amazons.

And a date with Queen Hippolyta.

Atten-hut, ladies!

Do you pathetic, lilly-livered papa's girls

have the nerve to call yourselves Amazons?

Yes, Queen Hippolyta!

Had that exercise been actual combat,

our heads would be skewered on pikes by now.

And we'd deserve it!

Was that a flinch?

Uh, eh, um...

I didn't catch that.

Queen, yes, queen!

Scorpion pit, now.

With pleasure, Your Highness!

Hut, hut, hut!

Are you still here?

Hut, hut, hut!

Out of my way!

Unh! Unh! Unh! Ugh!

Unh! Mother!

What is the meaning of this outrage?

Well, well.

If it isn't little miss hearts and flowers.

Meaning what?

Face it, Tempest, you've lost your edge.

Gone soft, weak. Dainty.

This report on your activities disgusts me!

I never should've listened to your father about that school.

You spied on me?

September 16, a sophomore cuts in front of you

in the lunch line

and survives to tell the tale.

Yes, but he'll never walk the same.

November 5, shop class.

A nail goes through your thumb

and you let others see you wince in pain.

I made no audible gasp.

November 8...

Who are you and what do you want?

Uh... The name's Hercules.

I've come to rescue Tempest?

Ha! To suggest that an Amazon warrior

needs help from a man is an insult that will cost you dearly!

Now, take your punishment like a woman!

I meant it nicely!

Honest!

After him!

Not a bad effort, for the weaker sex.

March 19, while competing in a spelling bee,

you faltered on the word eviscerate.

Oh! You're right, Mother.

I am weak.

I disgust myself!

Everything is mixed up at that school, Tempest.

And it's turning you to mush.

I've been so blind!

You belong here,

where you can hone your womanly skills as a warrior

until you're pure lethal weapon.

Only then will you be worthy of the golden girdle.

Whoa. Hold the phone.

Did she say girdle?

You heard right, baby.

We're talking 18 hours of 24-karat support.

Yes, the golden girdle.

Gift from ares and lingerie of the Amazon queen.

But this shiny undergarment is not a birthright.

Even a princess must earn the honor

of becoming one of the few, the proud, the girdled.

I'll do anything, Mother.

I beg for a chance to prove myself!

Then tonight, I will put you to the challenge!

This night will seem like a punishing, grueling,

brain-numbing eternity.

Gut-wrenching pain will be your only friend.

Hey, princess!

Hi, Dad.

What are you doing home from school?

Tonight she's taking the challenge!

Ah, they grow up so fast.

Don't be nervous. You're gonna be great!

A warrior is never nervous.

I will meet the challenge

or I do not deserve to live to see another day.

Oh, man, again with all that warrior garbage.

Don't start with me.

Come on, Hippolyta, she's our little girl.

Now, now, don't worry your handsome little head over it.

She'll be fine.

Oh, Mother knows best.

Here. I thought you might like a little snack.

Mmm! Mmm!

Dynamite ribs, hon. Gotta run.

I'm late for a demonstration of the new catapult.

Hmm, just a bit more garlic.

Where is Her Highness?

What am I, paté, chopped liver?

Oh, it's a food joke, you know?

Ah, never mind.

Her Highness, my king?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll give her the message.

Please inform her that this man was found

trying to infiltrate the island.

He claims to be here to... get this...

Rescue princess Tempest!

It's true!

I saw her at school... Aah.

I'll take responsibility for the prisoner.

Send him to the kitchen!

OK, Herc, let's make some eats.

No, first, we're gonna take some of these young grape leaves

fresh out of my secret garden.

Now just drop them into some lightly salted boiling water.

Bam! That's what they call blanchin, Herc.

You let 'em blanch until the get, like, this darkish green color.

You see?

Hey, kid, come on. Chop chop.

These dolmas won't make themselves, you know.

No offense, sir, but I'm a hero in training.

This is woman's work.

Hey, let me tell you, pal.

When the queen and my little Tempest

come in from a hard day

and enjoy a meal that I've prepared,

Ha! Guess who's the hero?

You're Tempest's father?

Yeah, behind every good woman, there's a man.

All right, now.

Let's kick it up a few notches.

But I've come to save Tempest.

Where is she? Is she OK?

Hey, good question. Let me ask you one.

You ever think about waiting tables?

Keep stirring.

Hey, come and get it!

I hope you guys are hungry.

Don't worry. I'm star... Oh!

What's wrong, Tempest?

I... just realized,

I should be training for the challenge!

Come on, sweetie.

You need to eat to keep up your strength.

I'll have Herc... the servant make me something to go.

What are you doing here?

I've come to rescue you.

Quiet! Or I'll have to snip your vocal chords.

- But... - Listen closely.

The only reason I'd ever need help

is if my mother knew a man came to rescue me!

Shee! We never covered this in damsel distress training.

Move it!

The coast is clear. Go.

But at school, you looked like you were in bigtime trouble.

That's nothing compared to...

Aah.

It's almost time for the princess to begin the challenge.

Ha! Hate to be in her sandals tonight.

Um, we really need to talk.

Let's go!

Huh.

I really need a vacation... Or a boyfriend.

I swear by the Amazonian sun,

setting you free will be my absolute last

moment of weakness. Now, go!

Wait. Are you saying that you don't want me here?

Yes!

But you will be coming back to school?

So I can turn into a spineless bleeding heart like you?

I'll never go back.

Does that mean that you're not going to cook anything

for our home grec project?

Right! Got it.

I must not be late.

So, you're bailing out, huh?

- King Darius! - Hey, if you want to leave,

I can completely understand.

It's just that I thought you were kickin' around the word "hero."

Ready for the challenge?

I'm at the pinnacle of my feminine fighting form.

Good, now you must endure the entire night in the treachrous.

Amazonian wilderness.

By the light of the moon, you must find your way to girdle rock.

You will face woman-eating beasts,

skin-melting vegetation,

and spine-snapping traps.

If dawn finds you alive,

you will be truly worthy of wearing the golden girdle.

Thanks, Mom.

Girdle?

Um, I don't think Tempest is going to want my help with that.

Hey, say you're making pilaki, right?

And you want to kick it up a notch with some bay leaf.

Most chefs say, "Hey, it doesn't need bay leaf."

But that doesn't mean that the pilaki maybe couldn't use a little bay leaf.

You know what I'm saying?

I... think so.

Uh, what's pilaki?

Oh, forget the pilaki.

I'm talkin' about Tempest here.

Come dawn's light,

I shall be golden girdled!

- Tempest. - Mother?

Fail, and you shame us all.

Ahem! Understood.

Questions.

Will Tempest overcome her challenge and earn the golden girdle?

Will Hercules help her or go home?

When will the music start?

Oops, that's my cue.

Ohh!

Whoa... oh... oh... oh!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Fear is weakness. I am not weak.

Therefore, I'm not afraid.

Aah!

Huh?

And you said you didn't need my help.

I don't need your help,

and for the last time, I don't want your help!

Ha ha! But that doesn't mean you couldn't use a little help.

It's like, uh, bay leaf in pilaki.

Waah!

Oh, thanks, Tempest!

You saved me.

Never say any of those words to me again or I'll string you up by your uvula.

Now, that's your mother talking.

How did a weak man-child like you

survive black widows peak?

Oh, your dad knew a shortcut.

I hear the wilderness here is really nasty.

Get out of here!

Now!

Ow!

This is all your fault!

I was only trying to help.

Your help may have cost me the golden girdle!

Hey! Hey! Hello!

I'm laughing here!

Wanna know why I feel so up?

I'm gonna crush you both to a pulp!

Oh, I feel good!

Hoo-hoo! The queen mother didn't tell you about me, did she?

Oh, no. That girdle don't come easy, baby,

Uh-uh!

Let me handle this.

Now way! I'm the hero!

Let me handle it!

Ooh, chile, get down!

Tempest, do you realize that even now,

when we're about to be crushed, We're arguing?

I think I should handle the situation.

You think you should.

Wrong. I now I should. I'm the girl.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! I said girls should do the cooking.

You said guys should.

You said girls are the warriors. I said guys,

But you know what?

I've learned that whoever wants to do something should do it.

Can we at least agree on that?

If I let you handle this,

will you just stop talking?

Absolutely!

OK, hero, handle away.

OK. Uh, got any ideas?

Uh, I've got one.

Start screaming!

Hey, ow!

Let's run!

Hurry!

Take my hand.

My face cracked!

Come on!

We made it!

Girdle rock!

I will never underestimate a woman again.

Bravo, Tempest!

Look, Your Highness, tempest has captured our escaped prisoner.

Good work, butch. Finish him off.

And the golden girdle is yours!

I was just trying to help!

I-I was the bay leaf.

Another word from you, mister man,

and I'll fillet you myself.

But this is not fair, Mother.

Tempest.

I am sorry, Mother.

I shall not don the girdle.

I cannot skewer a man simply for trying to help.

You are no daughter of mine.

And you are fillet!

Ha ha! Filet? Ah, you're pickin' up my kitchen lingo.

I'm all misty-eyed here.

Darius, go home. This is no place for a man.

Hey, now, that's a nice brochette.

Darius.

Hippolyta, the prisoner didn't escape.

I sent him here to help Tempest.

How could you?

Hey, I'm takin' and old heavy recipe,

and I'm lightenin' it up for the modern palate.

You know what I mean?

Get back in your kitchen.

No, Hippolyta. It's time for a change...

for a new kind of Amazon to wear the gold.

Daddy?

One who knows that compassion is not a weakness.

Cookin', Darius!

Let it be Tempest.

Mmm-mmm!

Delicious!

Hercules, that is a mighty tasty dish!

Do I detect a hint of, uh... Bay leaf?

Well, sometimes it's needed, if you know what I mean?

Let me taste that.

Mmm, now that's pilaki.

Hey, you know, if this hero stuff falls through,

you've got a future in the kitchen, my friend.

King Darius, well, that means...

I'm back! And my parents wanted a tour of my school!

Well, I can see where.

Tempest gets her coquettish good looks, Your Highness.

Oy!

And her winning personality.

Hey, now, looks like we're gonna make us some gravy! Bam!

This man is my husband!

Listen and learn...

Or else.