Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Join us as we visit ancient Greece

on the cusp of that most magical time...

The three-day weekend.

Yes, it is everyone's favorite holiday.

Titan Smitin' Day.

Give yourself a rest, Bob.

Everybody gets Titan Smitin' day off,

Even you.

You're right. It's in my narrators' union contract.

I should be spending some quality time with my disembodied family.

So move your disembodied butt.

We're gonna be late for the festival.

Ho! Yes, sir!

My favorite day of the year is finally here.

Oh! Do you have any idea

how long I've been waiting for it?

A year?

Yes! And that is way too long for an annual event.

Oh, speaking of long waits...

Which ride should we get in line for first, huh?

The Zeus Spinner?

- Ooh! Ooh! No, wait! - Hey.

The Zeus Coaster!

There! No, no! That one!

The Tilt-A-Zeus! Oh!

That is my favorite. Ooh!

Where else can you be yanked in all different directions,

Spun in circles until you're dizzy and nauseous, huh?

Oh, I'm dizzy. Ahh.

I've got nausea covered.

And then the big bad Typhon showed up.

Grrrrrrrr.

- Boo! Boo! - Hiss!

Boo!

Ooh. That rotten Typhon had to be stopped.

Play your cards right, Hercules.

And someday little puppets will act out your exploits.

Wow, you think so?

Cynicism is wasted on you.

Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shush!

My favorite part is coming up.

What time is it, kids?

It's Titan Smitin' time!

That's right!

Here comes the mighty Zeus.

Yay! Whoo! Whoo!

Oh, stinkin' Typhon!

Aah! Aah! You want some of me?! Ooh!

- Here, take this! - Get your mt. Etna hats!

Mt. Etna!

Where Zeus buried Typhon.

The perfect hat to honor the perfect god.

You know, Hercules... Yeah, yeah.

Someday the sight of my most famous battle

could be commemorated with a hat.

Well, you've captured my snippiness,

but actually, I was gonna say

- that you've got some big sandals to fill. - What do you mean?

Most people who go into the family business

don't have to follow an act like Zeus.

Zeus rules!

Yeah. And when I grow up,

I want to be just like Zeus.

You can't be just like Zeus.

Nobody's as good as Zeus.

Oh! Can you believe it?

Somebody called security... Ratted me out.

Sorry, Icarus, I had no choice.

Puppet assault is no joke.

An example had to be made.

Oh, yours is a tough love.

Hey! The Argonauts of the Aegean ride!

Come, my sweet, let us set sail with the wildest crew

that ever sought a secret shag. Yarr.

Wait. Is this that underground boat ride in the dark?

Really dark.

Give you any ideas?

Yeah. Nobody will see me push you overboard. Let's go.

I'll see you guys later.

Come on, Pegasus.

Come on, Tiffany, Chad,

all aboard for the Aegean.

Oh, Bob, I'm so glad you got the day off from narrating.

Hey, hey, hey! Take a shot at Typhon.

Three bolts for a drachma.

Hey, kid, give it a shot, baby.

Maybe you got a little bit of Zeus in you, huh?

Maybe I do.

That-a-boy! Take your best shot.

Yessir! Try to be like Zeus.

Ooh! Too bad, you were so close, so close, so close.

Zeus never missed.

Ooh! That was close.

OK, one last chance, kid.

You gotta concentrate a new way.

Be the bolt.

You gotta...

Ahh! Hercster.

- Aah! - Been looking all over for you.

Oh, just missed. Ooh, tough luck.

Story of my life.

Well, here's some good news.

- You are invited to cloud 33. - Really?

Saddle up, Herc babe, let's fly.

Nectar and water.

Nectar on the rocks.

Nectar flambé.

Wish me luck, Pegasus.

I'm sorry, sir, this is a private cloud.

Gods only.

Uh, I... I'm... I'm a demigod.

Get back, cat. Hercules is with the Zeus party.

Yes. Look under "Z."

Oh, well, please enjoy yourself, young sir.

I just don't see why it has to be today of all days.

Because it is the perfect opportunity to tell Hercules.

Tell me what?

Uh, nothing.

Then why did you send for me?

I sent for you, Hercules.

Because I thought your father had something important to tell you.

Um, well, uh...

Oh! Father, before I forget, here.

Hmm.

"With a dad like you, I cannot lose."

You're right up there with the mighty Zeus.

Happy Titan Smitin' Day.

"From your loving son," scroll mark.

Well, actually, you're more than right up there with Zeus,

since you are Zeus. But you get the idea.

Aw, son! Ha!

So, what did Mother think you would tell me

that you decided not to tell me?

Well, I... I get a lot of attention on this holiday

because of the Typhon battle and I, well,

I decided that this year,

you should throw in the first bolt.

Me? In front of everybody?

You mean it?

Of course. You're my son.

You should get your chance to shine.

Oh, thank you, Father!

Mm. Let's rock 'n' roll, Hercunator.

You're on in five.

Don't look at me that way.

I couldn't disappoint the boy.

I know.

But he is our son.

He deserves to know the truth.

Morpheus, hit the lights, babe!

Ladies and gentlemen, cats and chicks,

that crazy, cuckoo day is upon us

and that day is... Titan Smitin' Day!

Ha ha ha. Dig it.

♪ When Athens was barely A dot on the map ♪

♪ On the edge of a new frontier ♪

♪ Destiny called on a dapper young cat ♪

♪ With a battle that made his career ♪

♪ He was buff, he was tough ♪

♪ He was armed to the teeth ♪

♪ Bent on fearlessly frying his foes ♪

♪ Packing plenty of punch In his thunderbolt sheath ♪

♪ Yeah, that's how the story goes ♪

♪ Mmm... ♪

♪ A terrible Titan Stepped onto the scene ♪

♪ Trying to carve out a niche of his own ♪

♪ His brutal attackin' Sent everyone packin' ♪

♪ And Zeus had to face him alone ♪

♪ Smelled like Limburger cheese ♪

♪ He was covered with fleas ♪

♪ From his rattlesnake knees to his nose ♪

♪ He could topple Olympus With one little sneeze ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ That's how the story goes ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Now Zeus didn't worry He let loose a flurry ♪

♪ That left Typhon buried and crushed ♪

♪ And so it was written That Typhon was smitten ♪

♪ He'd finally bitten the dust, ha ha ♪

♪ That beast had been blown By one god on his own ♪

♪ While striking this masterful pose ♪

♪ And the legend was born On that fateful morn, yeah ♪

♪ That's how the story goes ♪

♪ Yes, that's how the story goes ♪

Ha ha!

♪ Hush, little laden, Don't you frown ♪

♪ Those who woke you are going down ♪

♪ I'm sick of Titan Smitin' Day ♪

♪ Now it's time to make Those Grecians pay ♪

Every year I have to listen to that rabble celebrate your daddy's defeat.

Daddy? Who... who that?

Oh, his name was Typhon, sweetie.

He was the most fearsome monster there ever was.

Until that nasty old Zeus buried him.

If I could just get you a sitter,

I'd go shut that party down personally.

Dateline. Titan Smitin' Day.

Byline. Homer of The Greekly World News.

Never has this reporter seen such a titan smitin' spectacular.

Throw the bolt! Throw the bolt!

Oh, man, huh? Herc should have stuck with us.

We've got a great view of the action.

He did OK for himself.

What's this? A surprising turn of events.

Whoa! Wow. Ahh, the signature Zeus stance.

Just like in the oft' told tale.

Oh, my God! She isn't.

Ah, that stupid myth.

You should have told him.

Aah!

Oh, no!

Oh, the divinity.

Herc, don't sweat this, man.

What good is immortality

if you don't test it once in a while?

I really didn't...

Forget about it. Your dad's

smoothing everything over.

Sure. Of course.

You go have fun.

Uh, there was, however,

some talk among the security staff about

you being a public hazard.

Oh, yes. I've been there, pal.

Aw, man.

Hey, you stuck to the story.

Oh, yeah, that, uh, over the shoulder,

eyes closed on one foot thing,

that was, uh, so Zeus.

So very Zeus.

He can pull off that kind of stunt.

I can't.

Can't believe what a fool I made of myself.

It's the worst Titan Smitin' festival ever.

Brace yourself.

It gets worse.

Ha. How?

We're doomed!

Aah!

You guys get a boat out of here.

Wh-wh-what about you?

It's time I did something right.

My father defeated the father of all monsters,

I'm going to defeat the mother of all monsters.

You stay here, baby,

while Mama does her carnage.

Sorry the sitter didn't work out.

Sitter yummy. Ooh!

As a hero-in-training,

I insist you return to your domain.

As a monster in a mood,

I insist you feed the baby.

Whoa!

Ooh hoo ooh ooh ooh.

Ptooey. I spit up.

Aah!

Monsters get in free.

Ha ha ha ha!

I love my work.

Thanks, Pegasus.

We've gotta head her off.

Ooh. What in...

Ha ha. She looks pretty good with a beard.

Where are you, you little demibrat?

Unh! Unh! Unh!

Watch where you point that thing.

Aah!

Yeow! That smarts!

Put me down here, Pegasus.

Then stand back.

Aah!

- Typhon! - Typhon!

Love muffin!

Man, have I got the mother of all headaches.

Somebody get me a bromo.

Don't worry, I'll make it all better, poopsie.

Catnip, where am I, baby? What's happened?

Don't you remember, babycakes?

The big battle?

That's right. I was conquering the world,

minding my own business,

when Zeus threw a mountain on me!

Uh, as a hero-in training,

I insist you return to your eternal prison.

Oh, honey, those Ionian horse flies are big this year.

I... I... I'm not a fly.

I'm Hercules. Son of Zeus.

Oh, perfect.

You go tell Papa I'm on my way for the rematch.

Aah!

How about a nice home-cooked meal before you annihilate Zeus, sweetums?

This snack will tide me over.

No, Typhon, that's your son! That's Laden!

So?

Dada.

Ha. He does have my fangs.

Hoo hoo. We're a happy family again.

Come on, boys, let's go destroy something.

Not something, someone.

Mr. Olympian ego, Mr. Top God, Mr. Hotshot!

Don't get me started! I can't settle down!

Where's that bromo?!

Aah! Unh!

Father?

Uh, could I have a word with you?

Son, you're not still upset about today's little accident, are you?

That? Nah.

I'm completely over that.

Uh, but, I-I do have some new news.

Uh, I sort of freed Typhon.

What?!

I didn't mean to. I tried to put him back!

But I... Oh, what's the use?

I'll never measure up to you.

What are you talking about?

Come on, Father, you're perfect.

You single-handedly defeated the baddest titan there ever was.

You cast a pretty big shadow.

Oh, uh, sorry about that.

I mean, what are they gonna write about me in the history scrolls?

Jerk-ules single-handedly

let loose the baddest titan there ever was?

Son, I really need to talk to you about this.

Uh, but not now.

Typhon's coming for me.

I must prepare for battle.

Aah! Run! Run!

Aah!

This is quality time.

Stop right there, Typhon!

Put down those innocent Athenians.

Gimme a break, they're lawyers.

Well, put them down anyway.

Besides, you know they give you gas.

Oh, yeah, you got me there.

Aah!

Good point.

Come on, baby, Daddy's got to work now.

It's time for me to put you back under your rock.

Aah!

Hotcha! Who's smitin' who now?

Don't worry, Father, I'll help you.

Stay back!

You're not... Aah... ready... for this.

Ha ha ha!

Enough tenderizing. You're going down!

♪ Typhon, Typhon, he's our beast ♪

♪ Chew on Zeus till he's deceased ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ Typhon! ♪

Chew on this!

Hey! Watch it, buddy!

All right!

Here, Dada.

Ooh!

Do you know how long I had to pose for that statue?

Father! Catch!

Aah.

Oh, my gosh.

Ha ha ha ha!

Hold it right there, little mister. No audience participation.

Mother, where'd you get the thunderbolt?

It's the one your father leaves in his underwear drawer.

Yeow! Man, that stings!

Oh, my poor baby, blow. Blow.

Good shot!

I've had practice.

Although the last time it went up his other nostril.

Last time?

Time out!

It was two against one?

Well, this time I'll help even the odds.

This time the fight will be resolved peacefully.

Or else.

Uh, Ty... Typhon, honey...

I've decided we should resolve this peacefully.

Let's go, precious.

This isn't over, Zeus!

I want a rematch of our rematch!

Mother, you threw the bolt?

Yes, Hercules.

It was the only way to buy your father enough time

to win the battle.

Hey, it takes a lot out of a guy

to slam a mountain on his opponent,

uh, so, I... I needed a little help.

So, wait... This whole three-day weekend,

this whole festival,

is all based on a myth?

Myths happen, son.

But you're the king of the gods. You're-you're Zeus.

- The truth is... - Don't say it.

He's only human, so to speak.

Hey, that makes two of us.

Oh, everybody expects me to be perfect.

Even I expect me to be perfect.

Father, trust me on this one,

nobody's perfect.

You just have to do your best.

And if you need backup,

hope you've got a wife with a real barn-burner pitch. Hah!

We wanna set history straight.

I mean, it wasn't a fair fight.

They ganged up on me.

Are you getting this, Homer?

Yeah, yeah, Typhon says, "Not fair."

Yeah! And then he pops me with Mt. Etna!

What's that about?

Don't get me started!