Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in Gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Stay on your toes, kid.

A dragon has a wide turning radius.

Easy enough.

Blech, oh, man!

Hero rule number 72:

Assess the situation.

Situation assessed.

I'm battling a dragon that breathes vegetables.

Rookie, a tomato is a fruit.

Where would you be without me?

How is it possible that this Demiclod

could defeat moi.

Hey, we were watching that!

Pardon me?

Oh, uh, sorry, no, uh... What is the deal?

I mean, the kid can't even tie his own sandals.

Unless the goat-man talks him through it.

The goat-man... Philoctetes...

Trainer of heroes.

He's showing Hercules the ropes.

He's teaching him the tricks of the trade,

filling his head with all those pithy hero rules.

You're making some big leaps here.

And we're just not keeping up.

Boys, boys,

if we promote Phil to the big leagues,

why, he'll dump the chump.

I don't know. That old goat is very sentimental.

Yes, I know.

Phil's Achilles heel.

Welcome to the Arcadia County fair.

Unfortunately, the two-headed pig from Macedonia

cancelled on us.

However, we do have a famous hero,

live and in person.

The one and only... Achilles!

I know. It was short notice.

That's right, folks, here I am, Achilles, eh?

I wanted the two-headed pig.

How about an autograph, chief?

OK.

You could sign it, "To my biggest fan..."

- Sure. - "...From the two-headed pig."

Hey, crybaby, do you know who I am?

Um, yeah, you're Achilles,

the guy who used to be a big shot hero

and was invincible everywhere except your heel,

and then you got nailed in the heel and you became a big fat loser.

Uh... Is "Two-headed" hyphenated?

So I'm not the guy I used to be?

Huh? Eh?

Oh, Achilles!

Can we have your autograph, huh?

Wow. Just like the old days, huh, Achilles?

Who are you? Hades, Lord of the Dead. How you doing? Nice gut.

Is it my time?

No, no, no, you got lots of time... Six years.

Anyway... ahem... I am actually here

because I'm a huge, huge fan.

Of me?

No, of the two-headed pig, you Yutz.

Of course you! You're a living legend.

You were huge!

Huge!

You're still pretty huge, different context, mind you.

Anyway, look, Achilles, babe,

you could have gone all the way.

But what happened? You got benched.

That tender tendon.

Hey, everybody's got a weak spot, huh?

An Achilles heel, if you will.

Hey, look, pal, what happened happened, OK? Can't change the past.

Too true. Too true.

But what about the future, your future?

What if you could have it all over again,

and this time, for keeps?

But what about, uh, oh, my problem?

What problem?

I am here for you.

But I do need one eensie-teensie,

tiny, little, insignificant,

little nitcon of a favor.

Name it!

That's my boy.

Oh, Phil, I need these sandals.

Kid, all you need is a good old-fashioned workout sandal.

Brown? Everybody's gonna think I'm a dweeb.

Heroes don't worry about their image.

They worry about helping people.

Yo, you!

Do you have these in a 10?

Those are the same old slabs of leather

you used to push off on me.

Holy Toledo! It can't be!

Come here, Mr. Fur Pants, come here.

Kid, you know who this is?

Uh, no.

Ah, this here's the greatest hero of our time... Achilles.

Achilles? The Achilles?

Today's your lucky day, junior.

You just disappeared after the heel incident.

What happened?

Forget about it. Nothin', nothin'. That is the past, Philly.

I focus on the future.

Here you go, Mr. Memnon.

Thanks, junior.

Mmm!

Ow! That is good Joe.

Mr. Memnon, you're on in 50... ooh!

Aah!

Oh, uh... What's my motivation?

My face in your face.

Ohh! Uhh!

Now, get up there, go a few rounds with the big "A,"

and take a fall.

And you're on in five, four, three...

What's going on?

Athens, Your streets shall run red with... Line!

Blood. Blood.

I'm ready, Phil. Just say when.

Yeah, uh, sorry, little buddy,

but I think this puppy's out of your league.

Look, listen, and learn, rookie.

Halt! Or I shall thrash thee!

You, thrasheth me?

Ohh!

And you are?

So, big man, picking on a helpless kid now.

Helpless?

Whoa! Ohh!

Hey!

Rat!

Achilles has still got it.

That wasn't so good, was it?

Are you kidding? Achilles was sensational.

I was talking about me.

I give you Memnon, master monster!

Super job! You're... you're the best.

Too kind, thanks for the gig. Let's do lunch.

Hey, no problem. What was up with this guy, huh?

Was he stinking up the joint enough? Jeez.

"Thrasheth"?

Who... Who talketh like that?

Excellent!

Achilles! Achilles!

Should we headline this a comeback?

Only if I could get my old trainer.

Philoctetes to come back with me.

And what say you, sir?

Well, uh, it's very flattering, uh,

Uh, well, you know, I already have a trainee and all.

You know, this is very sudden.

I wouldn't be what I am today if not for this,

may I say, beautiful goat-man.

Jeez, kill.

I'm blushing.

I've always said this guy here's a winner.

Ah, you know, I guess I can coach two heroes, right?

Wow! Wow!

OK, boys, here's the scoop.

Hercules is, like, basically dangling at the end of his rope.

Wait, I'm sorry. Let me just visualize that.

Ahh!

OK, now let's really burn him up.

We got the Heroes Illustrated vase shoot at 2:00,

and then at 4:00, they're dedicating another statue at Achilles park.

Hey, there's a fire at Arcadia.

All right, let's suit up!

Arcadia? Forget about it.

There's nothing out there but farmers and sheep.

And besides, I got that statue thing.

What? Those... Those people need our help.

Not to mention the sheep.

Phil, we got a good thing here. We're on top!

If we chase every little two drachmas calamity,

ah, you know, people are gonna say we're amateurs.

OK, you stay here and I'll go.

We'll be back in three days tops.

Whoa! If the kid wants to go,

give him a merit badge.

I need you here.

Phil, come on!

Make a choice, coach. Who's it gonna be?

The second-stringer or the superstar, huh?

You've been waiting for this all you life,

the fame, the fortune, the nymphs.

You've got Phil all wrong.

He's the one who taught me that heroes don't care about that stuff.

Heroes help people.

Come on, Phil.

Kid, I...

Achilles and me, we got a lot of history, you know.

I'm finally getting a taste of the big time.

You understand, right?

Yeah, sure.

My mistake.

I thought you actually believed all that hero stuff

you taught me.

Hello! Break out the ambrosia, my minions.

I believe have just dissolved the partnership.

Fire!

OK, hero rule number 72:

Assess the situation.

Big, out-of-control fire.

Situation assessed. Hero rule number 80, uh, something:

Use what you've got.

Hey, a river!

We're saved!

Thank, Zeus.

Ah, ha ha! Looks like I'm a hero.

I've got this stuff down. I don't need Phil.

Uh, anyone know how to turn this off?

Well, al-al-almost a hero.

A h-h-hero-in-training.

Well, better... better... Better go train so more now.

Beautiful, baby, beautiful!

Slice of Olympus.

That's it! That's it, ladies!

Pout! Pout!

Oh, the goat-man's pouting more than the girls.

Phil, what's with you?

I thought a vase shoot

with the Heroes Illustrated toga models

was a lifelong dream?

It was, it was, it's just...

You don't miss that kid, do you?

No, I, uh, just left a few things back on the island...

Toothbrush, deodorant, flea powder.

So go get 'em, coach.

Right. I'll be back.

Hey, I'll keep the girls company until you get back,

You know what I mean? Ha ha.

Ah, there's nothing else for me here,

not anymore.

Oof! Ow!

Hey, kid.

Oh, hi. I... I was just using your equipment

for a little practice.

I hope you don't mind?

Nah, no problem.

But come, you got yourself surrounded here,

so watch your back.

You're right. Thanks.

Well, uh, guess I'd better get back to the villa.

Yeah. OK, well, uh,

I guess I'll see you around.

Kid, I'm sorry!

Phil, I can't do this without you.

Ah, you betcha you can't do it without him, you little Yutz.

Ah, nice work, Achilles.

Ah, I am on top of the world... ohh! Uhh!

Reverse that. You know, I thought you might like to take a look

at a little something I whipped up.

Tartarus vision... "TV" for short.

Oh, uh, hey, uh, look at that.

Phil and... and the kid are back together, huh?

Yeah, and you're back to opening for the two-headed pig.

Oh, no! Hey... hey, come on, man!

Give me another chance, huh?

Hey... hey, did anyone ever tell you how great you look?

Come on, let me be a hero again, please?

You are not a hero!

Wait!

All right, so the heel flamed out.

The basic idea is still good.

What to do about my Herc/Phil conundrum?

Hades, remember me? Hey, buddy, I'm your go-to guy.

Please, please, please, please, please?

OK, everybody needs their break.

This is yours.

There's the kid and the Satyr.

I need to see, minimally, mind you, one of them dead.

Anything you say, big daddy.

Uh, which one?

Hey, monster's choice.

Surprise me.

There you go! Yeah, yeah, nice jab.

Dropped your guard!

Good workout, kid.

Uh... Phil, thanks for sticking with me,

Even if I am a second-stringer.

Kid, you may not have the villa or the endorsement deals or...

The toga models...

I was going somewhere with that.

But that's not what being a hero is all about?

Right, right. Right, right, right.

Saving people, fighting monsters...

OK, ready for some on-the-job training?

Protect the noodle!

Huh? Aah!

Nice! Now, watch your left!

Ow!

Yeah, yeah! All right!

Come on, clock him!

Yes! Yeah, now, that's a good hit.

Give me some of that popcorn.

What, no hammy lines?

Grrr! I'm not acting this time.

Acting?

Cut the chatter! Concentrate!

Yeah!

Hades wanted me to make Achilles look good,

but when Achilles couldn't split you two up,

Hades sent me in to kill you,

or the goat-guy. Doesn't matter.

Why do they do that?

They got to spill every little detail of the scheme?

Let me get this straight.

Achilles was working for Hades?

Whoa, you didn't think that loser could beat me without Hades help, did you?

That is rich.

They've verbal diarrhea.

Oh, he was working for Hades?

Forget about Achilles, kid! Concentrate!

Hey, Phil, we did it!

You and me together, we beat this thing!

Yeah, yeah, great, kid. Just make sure and keep your guard up.

Consider my guard up... whoa!

Oh, no! Herc?

Oh, yes! My man!

You da man! Ooh!

Go for the kill!

Wake up! Wake up!

Or you ain't gonna have the chance to wake up again.

The hero or the hero trainer?

How about a twofer?

Oh, man! And I thought your scripted dialog stunk.

Excuse me, but I thought you got fired from this project?

Yeah, well, consider me a free agent.

Whoa, Achilles, you really let yourself go in the past few hours.

Get that kid out of here, Phil.

I don't know if I can keep that monster down much longer.

But that thing will pulverize you.

All my life I wanted to be a hero for all the wrong reasons.

I didn't get it. This kid, he gets it.

Let me do this, Phil.

Let me go out a true hero.

A coach doesn't quit on his players.

Now, get in there. And remember hero rule number 72:

Assess the situation.

And watch your heel!

Ohh! All right, Mr. Big stuff,

You want some of this?

Keep your head up! Watch your left! No, your other left!

Am I still fighting?

No, but he is.

Is that Achilles? Oh, how long have I been out?

Thanks, Achilles.

Now I can get Hades to pay me for killing three guys.

Achilles, hero rule number 81: Use what you got.

Use your gut?

Mama.

Whatever works.

Whoa!

I got ya!

Thanks, Hercules. Nice hands.

I just... I hate this!

This is just... it's too much.

I got... I wanna rip their heads out.

I gotta just blast something.

Pain, panic, could you come here a minute?

Get over here! Ha ha ha

I love these two guys. Come here.

Oh, what a team you two make.

Bing, bang, boom!

Nothing is gonna stop us from the big time.

Uh, to tell you the truth, Phil, I think I'm gonna pass.

You're gonna pass? Huh, what are you talking about, you're gonna pass?

Come on, I had my shot.

Now it's someone else's turn.

Besides, let's face it. Hitting the big time

is not what being a hero's about.

Is he kidding me?

I don't think so, Phil.

Guess I'll head Arcadia way.

I hear there's some flood victims there

who just might need a hero.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, real... real shame about that...

That, uh, that flood thing.

Take care of that heel!

Take care of that kid, huh?