Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

OK, boys, I haven't got all day.

Actually, I've got eternity.

What am I talkin' about? I just don't wanna spend it with you two.

OK, so, how's the business, huh?

Everything's coming up lilies, your morbidness.

You flame-kissing little yutzes, ya.

OK, details. Give me details.

Our gift shop, Death 'n' Stuff,

is boasting record profits.

Uh, too many details.

Let's just focus on our core business, shall we?

Dead people.

Aah.

We experienced a slight decrease in new arrivals.

That concludes our presentation.

Back up.

What was that about "decrease in new arrivals"?

Uh... heh heh... uh...

It's, uh, not as bad as it looks, your vindictiveness.

Zero new dead people.

Well, that's great. That's just dandy.

I told ya he wouldn't be mad.

Of course not. Can't you appreciate irony?

My business is dead people,

and without dead people,

my business is dead, people.

Look, people die every day.

They get sick, they whine about it, they kvetch,

But they die. Boom. Ba-da-bing. Dead.

So, if there's this rash of wellness going around,

I would like to know who or what

ungodly force is behind it.

Ooh.

I am Hippocrates.

I am a doctor.

I cure the sick.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

I am Hippocrates.

I am a doctor.

I cure the sick.

I am Hippocrates.

I am a doctor...

Hey, I have found my career.

Thespian!

So what do you think, Cassandra?

You'd have to come out of your shell.

I really don't need Career Day.

I know what my career's gonna be.

Hero.

Heh heh. It's not just an adventure,

It's a job.

Like the time Jason and me

took down the Caledonian Boar.

That bruiser had big yellow tusks

as big as javelins and eyes...

What's a doctor?

Well, a doctor is a...

guy who sits by himself at a booth

because apparently it would seem that...

I don't know!

Nice try.

Doctor? Might as well be a fig farmer.

So, uh, how's business?

You actually know what a doctor is? You've heard of my work?

Uh, no... on both counts.

I am Hippocrates.

I am a doctor.

I cure the sick.

I thought curing the sick was something only the gods could do.

And me.

Now keep in mind, this was a big pig.

So we staked out the north side olive grove... hmm...

Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Ya see? It's a pump.

Excuse me, kids.

Ooh. Well, something's got his goat.

Consumed by the green-eyed monster.

Nah, I think he's just jealous

that Herc is talking to that doctor guy.

This is great. You sound just like a...

Hero.

Phil, w-w-what's... You, hero. Him, quack.

No, Phil. He's a doctor.

Pfft. That's a career?

Might as well be a lawyer.

Hey.

But he cures sick people.

Humph. I'd like to see that.

Ooh.

Phil.

Ooh, acute subdural hematoma.

We've gotta get him to my hospital.

We're off to the hospital... Whatever that is.

All right. Hold up, baby.

We know what you're thinking out there.

You're thinking, "Mmm, that girl looks fine."

You're thinking, "What's so weird about a doctor?"

The world's got so many.

But, you see, in Herc's day, honey, there just weren't any.

Sterilize the forceps.

I may need to transect his post-infarctive corpus callosum.

Relax, my friends.

My medical techniques are state of the art. Leeches stat.

Clear!

Aah!

Hands off the fur, buster.

Let's go, Herc. I want out of this nut house.

Hmm.

Uh, Phil, I thought I might

stick around for a while.

This is fascinating.

Join me as I push the envelope of medical science.

The only thing I'm pushin' is the door.

Phil, w-w-what's...

You know, I could recommend a good veterinarian.

I'm gone.

Well, don't just stand there, lad.

Join me in the great adventure called health care.

Count me in.

Icarus, you wanna stick around for awhile?

M-m-might be a good idea.

♪ Used to be when you got sick ♪

♪ You'd shrivel up and die real quick ♪

♪ There wasn't much That anyone could do-o-o ♪

♪ Ya had to leave your tonsils in ♪

♪ And stick close by your Siamese twin ♪

♪ But now those dark and dismal days Are through ♪

♪ Because a different kind of hero ♪

♪ Has just rolled into town ♪

♪ For pains and breaks and bellyaches ♪

♪ He's good to have around ♪

♪ Now Hercules is starry-eyed ♪

♪ He thinks he'd like to be A different kind of hero ♪

♪ Just like Dr. Hippocrates ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

You keep that clean at all times.

We don't want to risk another middle eye infection.

OK, Doc. See ya.

That's the guy the boss wants us to knock off. Let's get him.

We can't. It's not our turn yet.

Next. Mr. Smith.

Mr. John Smith.

Nope? Anyone?

That's us.

Coming through!

Don't worry, sir. You'll be feeling better in no time.

- Ohh. - Sorry about that.

Hey, how come he got to go ahead of us?

We were here first.

Oh, that man was an emergency case,

my impatient little patients.

Emergency?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Hmm. A rowing accident, eh?

We both feel so silly.

I've seen worse.

Doctor, come quickly. There's a patient in the E.R.

with a sniffling nose.

Great Zeus! Prep a crash cart stat.

This is code blue. I repeat... code blue!

I have never felt so soothed.

I forgot why we even came here.

Could it possibly have been to kill the doctor?

You idiots. What is that, cherry?

Gimme a taste of that.

Mmm. Nice. OK...

The doctor is curing people.

The business is going to, well, you know, to here.

But we're gonna fight back. We're not gonna give up.

Right?

This looks good.

An ouzo salesman wanted. Salary plus dental.

Hmm.

Right?

But, your viciousness, this guy's good.

Yeah. And now with Hercules working with him...

Hercules? Oh, that's just great.

Uh, sir, are-are you being ironic again?

Because it's really hard to tell.

Wait, wait, wait. This is great.

Hercules always wants to help people.

Little humanity helper Hercules.

Well, now he's gonna help me.

He can help me spread a little something.

Left over from Pandora's box.

I think Dr. Die-Little

is about to be "plagued" with troubles.

Heh heh heh heh.

Phil, where are you?

Catch!

OK, kid. Today we're gonna really sweat it up.

Primo hero stuff. Come on. Come on. Get the iron out.

Phil, I, uh...

Isn't it great to be back doin' what you were born to do?

I mean, Career Day is fun, but a doctor? Pfft.

Hah. Well, that's all out of your system now, right?

Right?

Mmm, actually,

I-I was gonna ask if I could skip practice

to help Hippocrates again.

You weren't planning anything special for today, were ya?

Oh, no, nothing too special.

Kid, you already got a career.

But, Phil, I'm in training with Hippocrates, too.

Just maybe to be a different kind of... hero.

Don't you dare

use the "H" word for that guy.

Yes. I just... Help!

Help!

We're gonna be smashed to bits.

I have to save them. Hold on.

I'm coming.

Gaah! Sushi. Yuck!

Don't blow our cover, stupid.

Good work, kid. I'm proud of ya.

Ya see? That's what a real hero does.

Ow, my neck! I think I broke it.

My arm!

It hurts.

Phil, I have to take these people to the doctor.

Hey, what am I, chopped mutton? I'm a trainer.

I can handle an injury as good as any doctor.

It's easy. Just a little elbow grease

and a little more elbow grease.

Ahh...

Walk it off, pops.

I'm sorry, Phil, but these people need Hippocrates.

Grrr.

I'll be back as soon as I drop them off at the hospital.

Heh heh heh.

What's this?

Oh, just a little plague.

Compliments of Hades, lord of the underworld.

And you know what, Jerkules? Bada-boom.

I couldn't have done it without you.

You the man. Ho!

Heh heh. The town is gonna put up a statue to you,

if there's anybody left alive to build it!

Hah! Gotta go. I'm too hip. Can't stay.

Incoming!

Relax, mister.

You'll live...

Until that chariot accident nine years from now.

Doctor, there's an alert in I.C.U. A patient's in danger.

We have no time to lose. Fluids.

Breathing's shallow.

- Suction. - Heart rate's slow.

Mustard plaster.

I'm losing the pulse.

Come on. Come on.

Live.

Live, you idiot.

We lost him.

I lost him.

Oh, yeah! We are open for business.

Yeah!

It's a great day to be dead.

Yeah.

Ooh, yeah. Get down.

Come on down. Ooh, hey, come on down.

♪ Ohh, what a shame ♪

♪ Looks like Hades Is back on top of his game ♪

♪ Our boys could use a break ♪

♪ Time out ♪

I should've listened to my mother,

gone into fig farming.

Who was I kidding to think I could do what you do?

Darn it, I'm a hero, not a doctor.

Hey, a pity party. Oh, I love these.

It's over, Icarus.

I lost a patient.

It was all my fault.

Oh, come on. You can't quit now.

What about all those patients in there who still need you?

Icarus, I... Don't you "Icarus, I" me.

Ya can't give up. Sure, things look bad.

Sure, the whole city's sick.

Sure, you can't do a ding dang diddly about it.

But, you... uh... Whoa. Now I'm depressed.

He's right. We can't quit now.

Oh, yes, we can.

A true hero doesn't give up without a fight.

If his sword doesn't work, he tries arrows.

If arrows don't work, he tries spears.

Rule number 157. Phil taught me that.

Wait a moment. That's it.

I've been toying with something radically new.

It's called "medicine."

Medi-what?

Ach, what am I saying? It's impossible.

The ingredients are very rare. They're scattered all over the world.

Hey, that's my kind of job.

OK, here's what I need.

And that, honey, was the world's first prescription.

And it was the only one that was ever free.

Here ya go.

Oh, great. Great. Excellent. Excellent. Why the shark?

It says right here on your paper...

"Eyes of a killer shark."

Heh heh. No, you just can't read my writing.

It says, "Eggs of a winter lark."

See?

Oh, I feel bad for the shark. Hey!

Here goes nothin'.

Ahhh!

It works.

We can cure the plague.

Yes, but the battle's not won until we cure all of Athens.

Oh, ya did it, Doc!

Ya stopped a plague!

♪ You stopped a plague N-n-no more plague ♪

I know. Ha. And it took every last drop of medicine.

♪ N-n-no more medicine N-n-no more medicine ♪

Boy, I'd like to see Hades' face now.

How's this, Mr. Buttinski? Huh? You like this face?

Do ya? Good.

♪ Hades is here, Hades is... ♪

Ho.

So, Doc, I hear you're all out of medicine.

And that's, hey, too bad,

'cause I saved a little smidgen of plague

just for you.

Physician, heal thyself! Heh heh.

OK, Doc, babe, catch ya later, huh?

Downstairs. You know what I mean?

Hello, Doc! Welcome to my underworld,

Home of eternal torment since the dawn of time.

How ya doin', babe?

And let me be the first to say, "Mahalo, aloha,"

which means "Do you prefer regular or extra crispy?"

Nice. Hey, Doc, seriously. You know what burns my butt?

Little flame about that high. Boom. Ha! Gotta go.

You know, I could help you with that cough.

Phil, there you are. I need you.

What's the matter, run out of gauze?

Phil, I'm late

because I spread plague all over the city.

I had to help cure it.

Sure. What's more important,

The lives of thousands or a coach's broken heart?

Phil, come on.

You made your choice, Nurse-ules.

I know what kind of hero I was meant to be,

and I need your help, coach.

Sign me up, kid.

Next time, remind me to ask where we're goin'

before I say, "Sign me up."

The River Styx. Oh, boy! Ooh.

Be gone, mortals.

None but the dead may ride.

Say, pal, maybe you could bend the rules a little for a peek at this.

The Greekly World News?

Oh, man, I haven't seen the sports page

since back when the Giants were still in Sparta.

Hop in!

The Trojans still stink? Those guys can't buy a break.

What do you expect with that lame-o Priam running the team? Ha.

End of the line.

This is it?

It's the back way in. If I took you any further,

I might get in dutch with the boss, know what I mean?

No problem. Here, keep the paper.

All right! The funnies!

Heh heh heh heh heh.

Now what?

- We climb. Shouldn't be a... - problem.

Isn't there an easier way to get up there?

Phil, if you need help, just say so.

Phil, what are you doing?

I'm gettin' a pedicure. What do ya think?

Help!

Oh, no. Anything but the furies.

Whoa.

Will ya hurry it up, kid?

I'm runnin' out of wool here.

Here, you drive.

Great work, kid. Too bad we're gonna get killed.

Aah!

Unh. Hades...

In the name of all that's good and decent,

I demand that you let Hippocrates go.

Let him go? Take him, please.

I'm pulling my flame out here.

This guy is curing dead people.

OK, I'm in the negative. This is unprecedented.

Get him outta here, please!

Hippocrates, come on.

Yeah, ya can ditch the domain of the dead now.

Please, they prefer to be called the "life challenged."

And they need a good doctor.

But, sir, the-the living need you more.

Look, Doc, I had my doubts, but you are a bona fide hero,

And we need all the heroes we can get.

Your place is with us. That's where you can do the most good.

Yeah, but not too much good, right?

I mean, look, why don't ya just take a day off once in a while?

Relax a little. Wednesdays. Take Wednesdays off. Boom.

I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Well, you'll relax. Ya play a game.

There's a new one. I'm gonna invent it right now. What? Golf.

Here, OK? You'll love it. Golf. OK?

Golf. Interesting.

Oy, let's go, Doc.

And that's not all.

I got a ton of great medical ideas for you, OK?

Example... double billing.

You get paid twice for something you did once.

It's great. And no more house calls.

You are an important man. Let them come to you.

Here's a great one. HMOs!

Hey, you'll love it. Come here. Come back.

That's good. You have... that's what a doctor should be... unavailable.

Good-bye. I love ya. Good-bye.