Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

The Greek city-states were the wonder of the ancient world.

Athens... birthplace of modern government.

Sparta... birthplace of military science.

Arcadia... birthplace of... people from Arcadia.

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

Sweetheart, everybody's heard of those places.

Let's tell them about a place they haven't heard about.

- And that would be? - Abacus Valley.

Never been. I certainly do not have the T-shirt.

What? Baby, have you been locked in a sound booth all your life?

As a... as a matter of fact...

Rest your pipes, darling.

We are on.

♪ Since the dawn of time Man has struggled with math ♪

♪ He had to use his fingers Just to add and subtract ♪

♪ Then along came a whiz Not a moment too late ♪

♪ With an awesome new invention That could really calculate ♪

♪ He's a techno Greek ♪

♪ He's a numbers freak ♪

♪ On a winning streak ♪

♪ And he'll soon be in rolling dough ♪

♪ He's a techno Greek ♪

♪ He's got a factory ♪

Ha ha!

♪ He's a sheikh of geek ♪

♪ And he's worth his weight in gold ♪

Life in the valley was sweet.

But, child, there was just one problem.

Whoo-ha!

And it had a human head and a horse's feet.

All right, centaurs, let's giddyap.

OK. Clear.

Uh, Numericles, may I suggest we get larger urns?

More hiding room.

No, Calculus. We must hide no more.

Every Friday that gang of centaurs pillages our city-state.

We have to do something!

We do, sir. We run, we hide, we scream like little girls.

It's been a very successful program.

The time has come to terminate that program

and stand up for ourselves.

Really?

Uh... technically, no.

We'll pay someone to stand up for us.

Oh.

Above my vanquished foe I stood,

my feet entangled in his steaming viscera.

It was a mother's day to remember.

That was quite... um, vivid, Tempest.

But I'm not sure it qualifies as light verse.

Poetry! Bah! I have no use for words.

An Amazon is primed for action.

We strike first and ask questions later...

Assuming our enemy still has a tongue!

She scares me. I need a little honey hug.

Cutting out the tongue...

Hmm. It would curb the mindless prattle.

Yeah, I hate prattle.

OK. I'm next.

Ode to a hero... by, uh, me.

"The hero can do where others don't.

The hero sees through what others won't.

Oh, to be a hero

and never show any fear... o."

Suffer, Sappho.

Very, uh, nice, Hercules.

But a lyric poem doesn't actually have to rhyme.

It has to express your passion.

You do have passion, don't you?

Well, uh, I want to be a hero

more than anything, Miss Cassiopeia.

Now make me feel it.

Hero rule number 42, the hero stops the unstoppable,

defends the defenseless, helps the helpless.

Brains the brainless!

Why, Hercules, you're a lyric poet and didn't know it.

Hate him. Hate this class.

Have a golden afternoon, everybody.

I don't belong in this pathetic school.

I belong in battle,

employing my catlike reflexes, my total sensory awareness.

- Tempest? - Hyah!

Aah!

You forgot your poem.

Keep it.

Ugh!

Whoa!

Who-o-o-o-a!

Vision!

I see an enormous boulder

destroying everything in its path.

Oh, where?

Turn around.

Aah!

Look out!

Your abacus!

Ohh.

I mean, I'm an Amazon. I have my own needs.

Who-o-a!

Ooh. Sword for hire.

Finally a chance to quench my insatiable bloodthirst.

I shall find my destiny in...

Abacus Valley...

Home of the most brilliant minds in all of Greece.

Yeah, and they're all bigger geeks than me.

I feel muy macho here.

Look at this.

The helpline is jammed.

There you go, sir... A brand-new power slate.

Ooh, and don't forget your free upgraded ram.

May I...

"In case of girl, breathe deeply,

Remain calm, check comb-over."

May I help you?

My abacus broke.

Actually, I crushed it with a giant celestial globe.

- It's funny, really. I... - Shh! I'm in diagnostic mode.

Can you fix it?

Does Isosceles get triangle royalties?

A little math humor there.

Uh, yeah, I can fix it.

But a beguiling young minx like you

should have our upgrade program...

Abacus XCVIII.

I'd be happy to install it.

I'll give it the personal touch.

Give me that!

You're not personally touching anything, Mr. Smooth operator!

Well, can you put together something this complicated?

I don't see why not.

Well, uh, hmm... Princess Tempest...

You certainly have an impressive resume.

This "things I've skinned alive" section is quite... vivid.

When do I start?

Well... The centaurs attack every Friday,

and today is Friday.

The centaurs!

It's "scream like a little girl" time. Aaah!

Welcome to our team.

Yes! Abacus Valley will flood

with the blood of many centaurs.

Super.

But first, we do have a bit of paperwork.

Could it be that I offend?

In every conceivable way.

Techno Greeks! Come out and pla-a-y!

Centaurs! I've got to do something.

I must warn you that as a hero-in-training

I must defend the defenseless.

Oh, lookee here.

A real live hero.

Soon to be a real dead hero.

Yee-haw!

Oh.

- Huh? - Beads away!

Wagons... West!

Hyah!

Sometimes I forget. Herc's strong.

Abnormally so.

Prepare to feel the awesome wrath of Tempest,

You... you... You?

Hi, Tempest.

Excellent performance.

Truly alpha one.

Battle-damage assessment...

You kicked centaur tail!

It was nothing, really.

- I... I just... - Stole my job!

Back to school, do-gooder.

I'm the local hired sword.

Hired?

You mean you're charging to defend these people?

Actually...

We haven't finalized the salary package.

You can't charge to defend the defenseless.

Maybe a hero can't.

But a warrior can.

Ooh, really?

Let's talk... hero.

Well, you're both pretty evenly matched.

Demigod. Amazon princess.

Well, darn it,

I just keep coming back to this salary issue.

We're going with the volunteer... I mean, hero.

Oh, thanks! I'll be the best hero you've ever seen.

Oh, um, I'm sure you would have been terrific, too, Tempest.

You'll pay for this humiliation, bead counter!

My vengeance will be painfully,

agonizingly vengeful.

No complimentary tote bag for you.

Whoa. Well, that's all settled, eh?

Let's have a big lusty cheer for our new hero Hercules!

- Hooray! Hooray! - Hooray!

Ow! Oh, muscle spasm.

Ha ha! I think we all get the general idea.

Welcome to the Feed Bag, a great place to tie one on.

What's your pleasure?

Revenge!

Ah, a dish best served cold.

Hey, you're a human.

That's Amazon, short boy.

Yes, I'm sure.

But this is a centaur hangout.

Oh, Blotox won't like this.

"Blotox?"

What kind of a stupid name is Blotox?

My name.

Blotox is my name, and you have...

Seconds to take that back.

You want to take this outside, stud?

Did you see that?

Next.

You...

You defeated our leader.

- Want to be next? - No, no!

According to the bylaws

of our galloping, destroying, and galloping away again club,

That makes you our new leader.

Why would I want to be the leader

of a gang of smelly, grass-munching...

Hold that insult.

Under my leadership,

we could form a fearsome fighting force.

Ere this week is out,

Abacus Valley and their new hero

shall feel the wrath of Tempest!

If I could just slip in here...

I checked with the cook. Sorry. Revenge isn't on the menu.

It is now.

Let's see. Ah! Ah!

Insert bead alpha into slot delta!

Boy, it's like I've graduated from hero training.

Say hello to the hero.

You don't have to laugh in my face.

No, no! The guy's joke.

Isosceles, triangle, royalties... that's great!

So, uh, how do you suppose the Amazons actually cut out a tongue?

Hey, that's my beeper.

Abacus Valley needs their hero.

See ya!

Ha! I did it.

Your abacus is plugged in to the information aqueduct.

Aye! I hope you backed this thing up.

Ooh! Four minutes, 29 seconds, and three grains.

Excellent.

All right.

Where are the centaurs?

Uh... There's no attack today.

But it was essential that we measure your response time.

For the inevitable eventuality

of an actual centaur-type emergency situation.

Oh, OK. No problem.

Well, beep me if you need me.

Don't worry. We will.

And did they ever.

♪ Herc went to work ♪

♪ But he's feeling like a jerk ♪

♪ 'Cause those techno Greeks keep pulling his chain ♪

Poor kid.

♪ Even when he's sleeping ♪

♪ His bosses keep on beeping ♪

♪ So far this hero game is a pain ♪

♪ He'll keep on trying ♪

♪ But there's no denying ♪

♪ That this herky-jerky job is lame ♪

T... T... There's a centaur in that bush.

Guys, do you remember how big centaurs are?

Maybe he's crouching.

Ugh!

All right, give me 100 leg lifts!

Move those fetlocks! Now!

But, your leaderness lady,

it's time for us to attack Abacus Valley.

We always attack on Friday.

Did it ever occur to you

that because you always attack on Fridays

the techno Greeks know you're coming?

But it ends the week on kind of a high note.

No more.

We're going to launch a surprise attack

on Monday.

- Oh! - Oh!

I don't know, Pegasus.

This hero stuff isn't exactly what I thought it would be.

I mean, they're nice guys and all, it's just that they call me

every time they see their shadow.

I really don't get to right any wrongs

or rescue any damsels or anything.

I don't feel like a hero. I feel more like a... like...

Like a babysitter.

All right!

OK, centaur.

Your marauding days are over!

You're right. I'll never maraud again.

Oh, sorry. I... I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Well, you did.

My herd gave me the hoof.

My life has no meaning now.

You're not alone.

I thought I'd hit the hero big time.

- Hey! - No thanks. I already ate.

No, I... I mean, hey, I... I got an idea.

Your life has no meaning. My life is demeaning.

We can help each other.

How would you like to be my deputy and protect Abacus Valley?

Sounds awfully touchy-feely.

You can do it.

Blotox, you can learn to be good.

You're doing great, Blotox,

but you can't be a hero without rules.

Uh, if this is about that little accident I had on the rug...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hero rules.

Like hero rule number 93, strength isn't everything.

Sometimes you can defeat your opponent with cunning.

Cu-nning?

Using your intelligence.

Intelli... Your wits.

W... W... W... Want to play with a sword?

Goody!

All right. On Monday, at high noon,

Alpha and Beta squads will create a diversion here.

While I lead Charlie Company on the final charge!

Attacking on Monday... that's so radical.

Gentlemen, my new deputy... Blotox.

A centaur! Run for your lives!

No. Wait, wait, wait. He's on our side.

Ha! There is nothing in this world

that would make me allow a filthy centaur

to protect our fair valley.

Whoo-ha!

Welcome to the team.

Tempest is with the centaurs?

And they're attacking on Monday.

Why didn't I ever think of that?

Hercules.

Prepare to taste the steely blade of swift retribution.

Yeah! Prepare the tasty sling blade

rest and relaxation and what she said.

Ugh!

I'd like to see us work through this.

Indeed!

The vultures will feast on your liver!

Aah! I was thinking more of a compromise thing.

Whoa!

Ugh!

Hey, there's no one in line!

This is great.

Hello? Over here, little help. Hello?

I hate guys with ponytails.

Aye! Leave me alone!

Uh, I hate to fight and run, but you know...

Defend the defenseless and all that.

Come back here!

I was winning!

Attacking centaurs.

Jeez, what could be worse than that?

Well, hello there.

OK. Obvious setup. My fault.

I have a cowardly hiding place for two, my sweet.

This would be a good time

for Zeus to take a personal interest in my life.

Son of Zeus. Close enough.

I'll stand up to these ro-owdies!

Whoa!

Ugh!

Herc... count on him.

I had hoped to vanquish Hercules,

but you'll do.

No way, sister.

Ugh!

Blotox, remember the rules.

Use your cunning.

His what?

Now I'm gonna put you out to pasture.

Me thinks not.

I'm cunning.

Whoa! Oh!

Hey! You did it!

Blotox, we was rooting for you the whole time.

You're the horse, man.

The centaur of attention.

We shall meet again, Hercules,

and my vengeance will be swift and bloody.

See you in math class.

OK. Oh, hey, don't forget... Test tomorrow.

Now that you're our leader again

we can go back to attacking on Fridays!

Attack on Fridays!

Now, hang on a second.

Herc, here, made me his deputy.

That'd mean I'd have to attack and defend at the same time.

Well, that just sounds, uh, mighty confusing, don't it?

Oh, yeah. Well, uh, never thought of it that way.

So, uh, what do we do?

I have a suggestion.

This ram is totally incompatible with my power slate,

and I'd like to know what you plan to do about it!

Oh, security!

Is there a problem, sir?

I, uh... Why don't we step outside, sir?

Uh, we are outside.

Aaah!

Hmm. These centaurs make excellent security guards.