Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Some say the greatest inventor

in all antiquity was Daedalus...

The master artificer.

Some even claim that he...

Hello, narrator, dude?

Oh, for heaven's sakes, now what?

Uh, just who are these some people?

Well, me. I'm saying it and I wasn't finished.

Now don't go gettin' all icy on us.

'Cause we got the dish on Daedalus, honey.

He invented the first compass,

Put the sail in sailing,

and the fold in folding chairs.

- He was... - Da bomb?

That was not one of his.

But he did cook up the wax wings that got his son brain-fried.

Ahh, his son, Icarus.

I was getting to that.

Well, get to it!

Ahem. Yes, well, in today's story,

Daedalus, shop teacher at Prometheus Academy

and father of Icarus,

faces the greatest challenge of his life.

A certain all-thumbs student named Hercules.

There are approximately 12 of you.

You are all adolescents.

Therefore, you must be my new class.

We shall begin molding your tender young minds

with a group project.

A solar-powered catapult?

And you are? Hercules.

Ahh, Icarus has told me of you.

Hero-in-training. And strong...

Abnormally so.

Well, yeah, I, uh, huh?

Meaningless here!

In this room, we are not heroes.

We are inventists!

Creatons! Manipuladores!

Hey!

Behold the greatest gift of all...

Raw manual dexterity.

You, hero, shall operate the trigger on the catapult.

Try not to blow it, Destructo boy.

We get a group grade on this.

Sunlight enters and reflects off the mirror.

This glass focuses the solar rays on the string...

Burning! Burning!

Activating the device.

Can't you just do this?

No.

I'll see you after school, hero.

I just don't think I'm cut out for shop class.

It could be worse.

It could be home greconomics.

Or gym. The bane of my existence.

At least those classes serve a purpose.

Shop class is useless.

And we define useless as "something you're not good at?"

Precision cut.

I'm serious. I'm a hero-in-training,

not a manipuladore.

Whatever that is.

Well, hello, it's a synonym for Creaton.

Come on, we're going to be late.

Maybe you're going to be late,

but I'm not going to be late.

Pain!

And panic.

Reporting for duty!

Hello? Hades?

Yoo-hoo?

What about our weekly "scheme to rearrange the cosmos" meeting?

I thought attendance was mandatory.

Hades left a note.

Does he say anything about me?

"Boys, gone to trick my brother, Poseidon,

into rearranging the cosmos.

Signed, soon to have much power, Hades.

P.S. You're late!"

Oh, forgive us, Hades!

We are naught but your toadies.

Wait, he's not even here.

Man, he's good.

Say, brother, did I ever tell you about

when I invented the marine mammal?

Yeah, Poseidon, about a zillion times. Anyway...

'Course, the first few drowned.

You know, uh, mammals.

Ha. Then it hit me... blowhole! Ha ha!

Look at him go!

Here you try it.

Hold it in your teeth.

Cute. No, really.

Ahh, they can't help but be.

I designed them that way.

What can I say? You're a God.

In fact, why are you stuck in this backwater water?

You are obviously almighty material.

Well, I'm mighty. There.

A tidal wave just blew out Lemnos beach.

Splash!

Nice, but I'm talking almighty like... like Zeus.

He's got heavens and the earth.

And you, you've got water and a big fork, OK?

I mean, grant it, it's a lot of water

and, you know, a really nice big fork.

But... you need, you need, uh, people.

Yeah, that's... that's where it's at, bro.

People praising and worshiping

and offering offerings.

Offerings, huh?

Things have been a little slow in that department.

See? It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Bada bing.

We gotta get you a city-state.

Like, uh, I dunno, I see you with, like, uh,

Athens.

If it were up to me, I would give you Athens.

Oop, did I say Athens?

Poseidopolis. How does that sound? Huh? Nice, huh?

Poseidopolis?

You know, of course, it's not up to me. It never will be.

Unless? Nah, nah.

What? What? Unless what?

It's mshuga. It's crazy talk.

The river Sstyx is the official border of my domain.

You see, if the river Styx

were to alter its course to say, you know, include Greece.

Nah, it's crazy talk.

Unless some aqua deity

with the power to move rivers would intervene

to make Greece part of the underworld,

then of course it would be my call who gets...

Athens!

Yeah, right.

Wait a minute. I could do that!

Oh, what, you think I was serious?

I can't give you Athens. Geez.

The jewel of Greek city-states? Never.

Please!

OK, shake. Ooh, what a dealmaker you are.

What a hundler, huh?

And they say you're wet behind the ears, huh?

We shall start at the beginning, you and I.

The basics. Ah, here.

Behold the fundamental machine.

The lever.

Sublimely simple. Say it with me.

Got it. No, say lever!

Never mind.

Here's a working model.

In the words of my close, personal friend Archimedes,

give me a lever long enough,

a fulcrum high enough, a place to stand,

and I'll kiss you on the nose.

He was a strange man.

But now, you see, we can lift objects

that would otherwise be too large,

too, um, um, heavy.

Too heavy?

It's just an anvil. See?

Icarus, I am dropping your dad's dumb shop class.

Hey, dad-alus' class is not dumb.

He's a great inventist.

Oh, come on. Those widgets of his are useless.

His widgets? Useless!

Need I remind you of the milkqueduct.

You call this useless?

OK, well, how about his lyre-crossbow

for the poet-warrior?

But wait, there's more.

His self-sacrificing sheep!

I rest my case.

Totally useless.

Styx, goddess of the river of the underworld,

by my divine power as lord of the waters,

I command you!

Ah, squid.

Gotta remember to lube this thing. Come on!

Dad-alus's inventions are genius!

They're useless, Icarus.

They're genius.

And the class is useless.

Uh, guys...

Hate to interrupt this free flow of ideas,

but I see a disaster coming.

Can the vision wait, hon?

I'm not talkin' distant future.

This is instant future.

♪ Old flame top is honing ♪

♪ A plan for rezoning ♪

♪ And takin' his show on the road ♪

♪ Just look at him gloating ♪

♪ While busily boding ♪

♪ That ego must be quite a load ♪

Come on, ladies, sing along with Hades.

♪ Let me show you girls Around in my town ♪

♪ New hades ♪

♪ Sure beats livin' Underground in my town ♪

♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ I got a penthouse on Spark Avenue ♪

♪ I'd like you to see ♪

♪ Museums and parks and works of art ♪

♪ Are, hey, dedicated to me ♪

♪ The shop at doom and Gloomingdales In my town ♪

♪ In his town ♪

♪ We'll dine tonight ♪

♪ In Togas and tails in, yeah, my town ♪

♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ I'm the host ♪

♪ Who loves to toast ♪

♪ Another job well done ♪

♪ In my town ♪

♪ In his town ♪

♪ I'm number one ♪

Not in my book you ain't.

Hey!

♪ I'm honest, I'm mayor ♪

♪ I'm chief of police ♪

♪ Oh ho ho ♪

Yeah.

♪ His town ♪

♪ The hottest spot in all of Greece ♪

♪ Has a home, what town? ♪

♪ Whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ The Parthenon ♪

♪ The crowning jewel ♪

♪ Could use my flare for urban renewal ♪

What?

I'm just kidding. I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm serious... not!

Hot! ♪ His town ♪

♪ Yeah, in my town ♪

Hey, you gotta love it, don't you?

Keys are with the valet.

Thank you very much. Good night.

♪ His town ♪

Ahh, eager young minds,

the best and brightest hope for the future.

Time to extinguish that hope.

Hi, kids. Name's Hades.

I'm your new principal.

I'll be instituting a new educational paradigm

based on the three R's.

Revenge, requital, and retribution.

You'll love it!

And get this, there's no homework!

Because you don't get to go home.

No way, Hades!

Ha ha, way, Herc.

OK, torment time. Come on, inspiration.

Hit me, baby. Come on.

Hey, this is high school.

Can Hades make it any worse?

Our first victim... Helen of Troy!

Um, I think I can speak for the whole student body when I say that...

Excuse me, Helen, right?

Helen, honey, you should cut down

on the deep-fried feta puffs.

Trust me on this.

I don't eat any junk food.

It wreaks havoc on my complexion.

No! No!

Not... not feta puffs!

No!

Poor, Helen. The face that launched a thousand zits. Ha.

All right, who's next?

Adonis... The peppered Prince of Thrace.

Adonis? Prince Adonis? You here, babe?

Present.

Ready for your eternal torment?

I have a servant

to serve my eternal punishment for me.

Oh, really, new wrinkle, babe.

So... you'll spend eternity serving him!

Yes. And let's start with the foot massage.

It's so relaxing.

Right in there between the toes. Come on!

Casandra... Home greconomics hater.

♪ Wash the floors and dishes clean ♪

♪ Pit the dates and do the laundry ♪

♪ Live a happy, snappy life ♪

♪ Bein' a housewife ♪

Oh, he's good.

Icarus... Uh, he's weird.

No! No! Anything but gym!

I hate gym!

Please!

All right.

How about an eternity spent

punching out your best buddy?

Nice, huh?

Come and get me, sissy face.

Hyah, you want a piece of me?

Ooh! Ooh! You swine! Hyah! Hyah!

Teach you to call my dad useless!

Get up! Get up!

All right, all right. Time-out. Time-out.

This isn't supposed to be fun.

Hey, this isn't fair.

This isn't the real Hercules. Ooh!

Oh, no, we have a slightly different torment

prepared for him. Hee hee.

And finally Hercules... Klutz.

No, please, I can't do shop class.

You can't do shop class?

Well, guess what. I know that. Hee.

Hey, don't fret, Herc, I got you paired

with the best possible teacher. You'll love it.

Very clever, Hades.

Your punishment is him

and his punishment is you.

Mmm, sweet. Ha ha.

Well, love to stay, but I've got

the orphanage and nursing home to torment

and then I gotta do lunch. Ha ha.

Ciao, baby.

I have an assignment for you.

I know, I know, something simple.

Something even a klutz like me can handle.

Let's review the lever again.

No. It is a very special assignment.

You might say it is a breakout opportunity.

Take your time.

- Escape? - Yes! Save your school.

Save all of Greece!

And, hero, you will be graded.

Yes, sir! But how?

The school district favors a standard bell curve. I...

No. I mean how do I escape

the forces of the underworld?

I prepared this war-wagon

for just such an emergency.

Turn the crank.

Power the internal mainspring.

Smash our way out of this eternal detention!

Wow!

Teacher and student, we shall be liberated!

97... 98... 99...

Man, how many times do you have to crank this thing?

Three cranks will suffice.

Uh-oh.

Whoa!

That's gonna affect your grade.

Whoa!

Aah!

Whoa!

All right.

Athena's temple.

She's wise. She can help us.

You and me. Right now!

Ya take back the stuff about dad

or we're going mano-a-mano.

Uh, can we talk about this

after we save Greece from eternal doom? Please.

It's OK. I'll take a rain check.

Oh, great goddess of wisdom,

we summon your aid.

Uh, Herc?

Actually, I was just about to summon your aid.

The magic chains are are courtesy of Hades.

You see, Hercules, somebody made a foolish deal

to seize control of Athens.

Poseidopolis.

And you trusted the bloomin' lord of the underworld!

But he's my bro-bro. We shook on it.

Oh! You, Hercules.

You must reroute the river.

Me? How?

Give him the trident.

Trident? What trident?

Oh, my trident!

Oh, no! No! Never! He's just a tadpole!

It's either that

or stay chained next to me for all eternity.

It's behind the tapestry.

Oh, awesome.

Come on, Icarus.

As long as we are captured,

care to play 20 questions?

Uh, I'm thinking of a vegetable.

Rutabaga.

I hate you.

You realize if you didn't have to save the world,

I'd be kicking your butt right now.

Yeah, right.

Goddess of the river Styx, I am Hercules.

Uh, hi.

By the powers of Poseidon, Lord of the waters,

whose trident I'm... I'm borrowing.

He said... he said it was OK.

I command you to move.

Strike the trident!

Huh? Oh.

Whoa! Hey! Hey! What's the...

Hail!

Ow! Ow! Come on!

Steam?

No, no, no, wait, wait, come back!

Ice? Oh!

Divert!

OK, who wants trident?

I do. I do. Ha ha.

Didn't you read the fine print on this?

For ages immortal and up. Ha ha.

Look at this. Wash his troubles down the drain.

You're not gettin' away that easy.

I have a rain check!

Of course, I can't actually swim.

By the power of the trident,

I declare myself lord of the waters,

and hereby annex Poseidon's realm!

I am having way too much fun.

I gotta go gloat. Ha.

Where's Poseidon? Po-Po?

You saved us!

But... but now what?

Without the trident,

I'll have to move a mountain to divert that river.

It's too heavy.

I can't lift it.

Puh-lease. The answer's so obvious.

What? What is it?

No, I'm not telling you.

Icarus, I'm sorry for what I said

about your dad's inventions.

I'm sorry for what I said about your dad's class.

Does that cover it?

How sorry? Really, really, really sorry.

Now what is it?

But you don't sound sorry.

Oh, Icarus, come on!

It is sublimely simple. Say it with me.

The lever!

I have gone through much travail

to see my student in action.

My shop student.

Hey, it's supposed to be a turtle torment.

Yeah, you just can't walk out.

Proceed, shop student.

Yes, sir!

That's what I like to see.

Fences mended. Bridges built.

And a lever crafted out of available materials.

Can do!

Ahh, the fulcrum.

There you go, Buddy. Put 'er down.

What now?

Oh, that's right, it's the lever.

Oh, and the place to stand. There you go. Look at this kid!

Sublimely simple.

Oh, yes, that's right.

Make those dishes shine!

That's the way to get a man.

Oh, dear!

Thank you.

Hey, Poseidon, you've just lost your domain,

your trident, and hey, a battle of wits with your baby brother.

So, what are you gonna do next, huh?

Whoops.

OK, a little snag in the, uh,

take-over-the-big-brother's-domain plan.

So, hey, easy come, easy go.

Bada boom, bada bing.

It's just business, right?

No hard feelings.

Uh, I mean, come on,

blood's thicker than water, am I right, Po-Po?

Babe, come on, huh, you'd know this, wouldn't you?

Ooo! Ow! Po-Po!

Watch the hair! Watch the hair!

Once again, Hercules saved

the city-state of Athens

and he passed shop class... Barely.