Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Athens, birth place of democracy,

for it was in this ancient city-state

that citizens came together to forge their future,

and the leader they chose was a man named Pericles...

Wise, just, and beloved, for it was he...

Oh, just spit it out!

I am painting a picture with words.

Mm-hmm. Well, honey, let's put your words to music

and make it a masterpiece.

Well, I'm no muse, but give me a beat.

♪ He's Pericles ♪

♪ Of Athens ♪

♪ A city planner ♪

♪ Beyond belief ♪

♪ The man ♪

♪ Who makes things happen ♪

♪ The top banana ♪

♪ All hail the chief ♪

♪ An icon Of professional proficiency ♪

♪ He's able to untangle any jam ♪

♪ A model Of unparalleled efficiency ♪

♪ If you want to get things done ♪

♪ Then he's your best main man ♪

Yeah!

♪ He's Pericles, the leader ♪

♪ A man of vision ♪

♪ Beyond compare ♪

♪ All hail Pericles of Athens, Greece ♪

♪ The big kahuna ♪

♪ Extraordinaire ♪

OK. Next question.

Uh, over here, sir! Sir, the name's Bartlett.

I'm with the Greekly World News.

Do you have a new economic policy?

The Athenian economy is booming,

so I say if it's not broke, why fix it?

- Ooh! - Ooh!

Folksy. That's the kind of wisdom

that's gonna be around for centuries.

Seems to me you shouldn't switch horses in midstream.

Oh, where does he come up with these?

I smell a rat.

Bow! Hit the ground!

Ohhh... I feel like I have one foot in the grave

and the other on a banana peel.

Another good one, sir. Very folksy.

Prepare to eat bronze, punk.

Minister Cleon.

A bloodthirsty rat is loose in the building.

A man just went out the window

and escaped on a chariot.

How would you describe him?

Bloodthirsty.

I could see it in his rat-like eyes.

That's him. Blast it. He got away.

I will not rest until that maggot is behind bars.

City-state trouper Chipacles,

you are a credit to the force.

Wow!

Who is she?

That's Tempest. Handle with care.

W... Wh... What do you mean?

Forget about her.

You're saying I don't have a shot?

She an Amazon... quick-tempered, antisocial, and prone to violence.

Do the math, Archimedes.

Well, maybe she's just never met

a hero-in-training before.

No! Ohhh... ohhh!

Oomp!

You ruined my concentration.

Oh, sorry, temptress... uh, Tempest!

I'm... I'm, uh... I'm Hercules.

Disappointing.

I... pulled it a bit.

You look OK to me.

I... I mean, it looked OK to me.

Such failure is unacceptable under combat conditions.

I know an Amazon who made that mistake and paid the price.

Ooh. What happened?

She lost her left buttock.

Ooh. Pays to practice, I guess.

Hey, don't move. I'll... I'll be right back.

Let's practice together. I... I've got my junior javelin.

That... Is a child's toy.

No way! T... This is a training weapon.

You see, I'm... ahem...

I'm a hero-in-training.

Toy. Child.

Allow me.

Oooaouhh!

Know this, hero-in-training... I am a warrior!

The only way anyone takes my spear

is point first through their lifeless torso.

Yeah. Hands off the spears. Got it.

OK, kid! Target practice time!

Phil... I've been thinking.

That's a child's weapon.

I'm ready for... Spear training.

Whoa, kid. Hero rule number 33,

you gotta crawl before you can walk.

Babies crawl, Phil. I'm a... I'm a... I'm a warrior.

Ha ha ha!

OK, sure. Hey, have it your way.

"Warrior" rule number 33...

Stick with the junior javelin.

Oh, d...

Hey. Don't worry, Pegasus.

I'll bring it back as soon as I'm done.

How was your day, dear? Did you usurp the government?

No, I did not!

I failed miserably.

Ooh, this could be awkward.

Your, uh, "boss" popped by for dinner.

Pericles?

Here?

No, silly. Your real boss.

Aah! Ares!

O mighty God of War

and overlord of Sparta...

Honey, bow before Ares!

Oh, I'd love to, but that mutton isn't going to roast itself.

Oh! Don't forget my favorite, the stuffed grape leaves.

I've gotta get that recipe. Anyway. Cleon!

The plan was so simple. You kill Pericles.

My Spartan army invades Athens.

I appoint you the new leader of Athens.

Which we agreed to rename Cleonopolis.

What? I want Athens.

Ares?

Gotta go.

Athena!

Hi, sis!

Were you meddling in Athenian affairs again?

Please. Give me a break.

Like I care about your stupid city-state.

Yo! Tempest!

Ha ha... ooh! Ahh!

Ha ha. Ow.

Hmm. Yours?

Well, as a matter of fact...

40 millimeter Carthaginian bronze tip.

Slices through cartilage like it's humus.

Nice.

Yeah, and the, uh, handle is, uh... Wood.

Ooh! I... ahh... Prove yourself.

You... You mean a... actually throw it?

Just as I thought. Child!

Am not!

Aah!

Children should stick to their toys.

Ohhh... Any more questions?

Are you planning to cancel any upcoming activities

in light of the recent attempt on your life?

If that assassin thinks he can scare this humble civil servant,

well, let's just say it's not the size of the dog in the fight,

It's the size of the fight in the dog.

Ah!

Is that on the record?

Yes, Bartlett. You can quote me on that.

Spear!

Oh, great. I had him in my sights.

Bingo.

"Property of Phil's Gym."

Phil.

Phil.

Aah!

Philoctetes!

Rise and shine, Mr. Phil.

Uhh! Wha... You're under arrest.

You got the wrong satyr!

Tell it to the judge, goat man.

What's goin' on? Why are you arresting Phil?

This lawn-chomping degenerate's the perp.

- The perp? - Perpetrator. The assassin.

The scum who tried to kill Pericles.

You are one deluded flatfoot.

Am I, smart guy? Maybe I just imagined

that our beloved leader almost got ventilated with this.

Come on! There must be thousands of spears like that.

40 millimeter with a little carthaginian tip chaser?

All right. Hundreds.

"Property of Phil's Gym"?

Hey, that's mine!

Aha! A confession.

This case is wrapping up nice and neat.

No! I meant...

Wait. You've got it all wrong!

Clam up, junior, before I run you in

as an accessory to the crime.

You don't understand!

I'm not the accessory!

I'm the perp.

The would-be assassin has been identified as one Philoctetes,

AKA... "Phil."

I think this mug shot tells the tale.

Ahh.

Neighbors describe the suspect as a grass-eating loner.

- Aah! - Ooh!

Sorry. Only Mr. Philoctetes' lawyer.

Is permitted to see him.

Ah. Well, the fact of the matter is, my good man,

that I am Mr. Philoctetes' lawyer,

and this is my lovely co-counsel.

Yii!

You're a lawyer?

But of course! I've handled many high-profile cases,

like, uh...

Your Deluded Mind VS. The State Of Reality?

Right! Big one!

Landmark!

The appeal is still pending.

You gotta get me outta here.

I'm half wild goat.

We don't do so hot in captivity!

Don't get your fur in a bunch.

Hercules is gonna straighten out the whole thing.

So the spear just slipped outta your hands...

Oops... and flies halfway across the city-state?

Yeah.

My friend, that would be one magic spear.

Uh, well, actually, it's more me than the spear.

So you'll drop the charges against Phil?

And stay out.

You spend far too much of your time on the ground.

Tempest. What are you doing here?

I heard about your goat master.

And you feel bad?

I feel nothing!

Warriors have no use for emotions.

But my code of honor states that I must set this injustice right.

Where you goin'?

To catch the real assassin.

The hunter shall become the hunted.

All right! Well, count me in.

All clear.

Be alert for anything suspicious.

Keep your eyes open.

Yeah. No problem. I... And your mouth shut!

How am I supposed to get at Pericles now?

Does this answer your question?

Ooh! What kind of mileage does this thing get?

Will you just get out there?

Knock 'em dead. And I mean that... literally!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

And I'd like to point out, Your Honor,

that the evidence against my client

is largely circumstantial.

Not bad.

Not yet.

No sign of suspicious activity.

Except for that.

Sniff upholstery, sir.

Go!

I think I've made my case crystal clear,

Your Honor. Res ipse loquitor.

Habeas corpus.

What is that gibberish?

Latin... the word spoken on the street, Baby.

Guilty! The goat man goes back to lockup.

Back... to lockup?

Now it's official. You're doomed.

They can't pin this rap on me!

Yaahh! Uhh!

Eeeyyyeee! Euuhhh!

Oooohhh!

Eeeyeeee!

Beuuhhhh!

Yaaahhh!

Bluuuhhhh!

- Grrrr! - OK, as your attorney,

I must advise against this behavior.

Euhh! Euhh! Euhh!

Eeeyeee eeeyeee! Eeeyeee!

Huh?

Where you goin'?

Shortcut.

- Aah! - Aah!

C... Comin' through! I'm sorry.

Aah!

Watch this!

You fool! You... ohh!

Stand still while I berate you!

Pericles, sir, that attack happened while Phil was locked up!

That proves he's innocent.

Hmm. The proof is in the pudding.

Phil is an upright, law-abiding citizen.

He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Yaaahhh!

Who wants some of this?

You're goin' down, punk.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Uh... I'm not sure I follow.

Translation... Execution at dawn.

Philoctetes, you have been found guilty

of the attempted assassination

of our beloved Pericles.

Icarus and Cassandra,

you have been found guilty of aiding and abetting

the attempted assassination of our beloved Pericles.

Any last requests?

Yes. I request the opportunity

to recite a love poem I wrote for my Sweet Cassandra.

Ahem. I request you gag him immediately.

Your gallows humor.

So apropos to this moment.

I'm not sure what to say to such criminals

except if you play with fire, you're gonna get burned.

Bravo!

Kid!

I knew I should've run you in.

Chipacles, you... you have to believe me!

Phil isn't the real assassin.

Spare me the fairy tale, punk.

That boy's madder than a 2-stingered wasp.

What does that even mean?

Careful. You could've hurt me with that.

Well, that's the idea.

Pericles!

If I were you, I'd be as nervous as Medusa

in a hall of mirrors.

That one just doesn't feel timeless.

Ahh, still pulled it a bit.

Great Ares, God of War!

Help me!

Oh, what now?

You're so good at treason, but so bad at murder.

Cleon?

The real assassin.

OK.

Ooh, nice!

Thank you.

Look, wreak havoc.

That'll be thanks enough.

Tuck and roll, sir.

Cleon, I'm going to have to ask you to surrender now.

Hmm. Uh, well... No.

Uhh... uhh!

What is so fascinating that you...

So you are meddling in Athenian affairs!

Do you mind?

The fight's just getting good.

Hercules!

Uhh! Uhh!

Choose any weapon, and it shall be yours.

Who's that?

A spear! Be a warrior!

Oh! A pen!

The pen is mightier than the sword.

Ehh ehh ehh!

Hey! I like that one.

Kid, remember hero rule number 33!

Right. I'll take... A junior javelin.

Ho ho! He's got to be kidding! Ho ho ho!

The kid's makin' this too easy!

Hoo hoo hoo!

Yaahhh!

You missed!

No, I didn't.

Whoa! Oooff! Ohhh... Aah! Ooh!

- Hooray! - Hooray!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Yes! Athens is number one.

♪ Athens is number one ♪

Oh, put a sock in it.

Ya did it, kid!

This is an Amazon spear.

Only the bravest warriors may touch it.

Today you've earned that right.

Uh, no, thanks.

I have to crawl before I can walk.

That's hero rule number 33.

Hey, uh, you want to get some lunch?

My treat.

I eat only the meat I hunt and kill with my bare hands.

Yeah.

Well, we can go dutch.