Original subtitles

♪♪

(gasp) Let me see your shoes. Ohhh, there you go, you got it.

Now, you just need to learn how to be twice as good at everything

for half the pay, and you are on your way to womanhood.

Oh, here you are.

Wow! You guys look great.

Oh, crap. Am I supposed to look great, too?

I can be ready for whatever I'm not ready for in two minutes.

Danny, Danny! This pregnant girl is not going anywhere.

We were just playing dress-up because this might be my last month

to wear any of my clothes without them exploding.

Sweetie, you look great.

Remember, I fell in love with you when you were chunky.

Hon, I'm gonna fall out of love with you if you ever call me chunky again.

(fabric ripping)

I don't know how... but this can be my fault if you want it to be.

(crying) Thanks. I'd like that very much.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ Can take your life and change direction ♪

...And that's when Brad and I realized,

"harder" is a horrible safe word.

God, I miss drinking coffee alone.

Oh, my God, you guys, guess what?

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

I don't care.

Well, I don't care that you don't care,

because I have just been nominated

for a New York Entertainment Award!

Oh, yeah!

Oh-hoho-ho!

-Ay, ay, okay, okay... -Oh ah, uh-uh, oh, what...

Get off, this is my happy dance!

Mine!

Did you get nominated for watching television?

'Cause that's all you've done for the last month.

No, I got nominated

for the critically acclaimed

Mother's Day special

I produced for The Mary Hart Show,

right before that ungrateful wig

in spandex fired me.

Who's laughin' now?

Probably still her,

since she's rich and powerful,

and you've had macaroni for three straight meals.

Yeah, yeah-yeah-- yeah,

whatever, man, she could laugh all she wants,

because once the news gets out

that I was nominated,

the job offers, they're just gonna start flyin' in.

People will literally be all over me.

Oh, my God, Tucker, we are gonna have so much fun!

First of all, you are not invited,

and second of all, I think I just lost my gum in there.

What, again?

Hey, here's a little thought-ski--

since you're nominated for a Mother's Day special,

why don't you invite your mom?

My mom?

If she had any human parts that registered emotion,

I'd say yes, but I pretty much struck out

in the warm and loving parents department.

Oh. Well not everybody can be as lucky as Ben.

You never know, man.

This is important. It's your first award.

I guess I can call her.

Hey, but can I borrow your phone,

'cause she doesn't pick up when I call.

Thanks, man.

Oh! "Why don't you call your mom?"

Why don't you invite your mouth to shut up?

God, I miss drinking coffee alone.

How did this happen?

Well... I think it started with you takin' off my shirt,

and then I took off your shirt--

No...

this. I mean, how-- how am I this big already?

Honey, you look adorable, you finally popped.

Huh, yeah, I popped all right, you wanna know why?

Because a giant impregnated me.

A giant who I love very much.

But everyone at work is gonna know that I'm pregnant.

You haven't told them yet?

Are you ashamed of our baby?

Shouldn't you see it first?

No, well, no one at work knows, because if they find out,

they'll never make me junior partner.

You know, they won't see a brilliant lawyer,

they'll see a flabby bundle of maternity leave.

I was really hoping they would've made a decision by now.

Well, then you need to make them decide.

Go in there and refuse to take no for an answer...

like I do.

For the last time, we are not naming our kid Maverick.

But you know what, you're right. You're right. (elevator dings)

I'm going to make it happen.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, don't forget your lunch.

No salsa, carrots or cole slaw involved.

I got a pregnancy barf list goin'.

Oh, my God... oh God, you might wanna add tuna to that list!

-This could be my fault, too. -It is!

No, I-- I get it, Mom.

Yeah. Y-- You're a doctor, you're busy.

Yes, we can count this as my birthday call.

Seriously, what kind of mother doesn't wanna

be part of one of their son's proudest moments?

Ucch! Let it go! Okay?

Nobody thought you were gonna graduate, so I made plans.

Not me, Tucker!

And you were at my graduation.

I think you might have a drinking problem.

Okay, Mom. Yeah, no, it's-- it's fine.

I'll talk to you later.

Hey, Tuck. How'd it go?

Why do I ever listen to you?

That good, huh?

No, Ben, not good.

She's not coming.

-This is all my fault. -Yeah, we all got that.

I just feel so bad for him.

Me, too.

Ahh... that's what this feeling is.

Compassion.

Mm, I don't like it!

I need a drink.

And I wanna see you all at the sexual harassment seminar on Monday.

Especially you, Janice.

Dismissed.

Whoa, whoa, Perrin. What are you on, some kinda doughnut cleanse?

-No. I'm just-- -Calm down, I'm not callin' you fat, I'm just suggesting

you slow it down a bit, 'cause if you choke,

HR has forbidden me from administering the Heimlich.

I still think shirts off is more effective.

Right, um... actually, I wanted to talk to you

about announcing the new junior partner?

Those of us in the running have been jumping through hoops

for months, and I think we deserve to know.

Wow, feisty pants, you wanna re-aim that angry gun?

Huh?

But you do have a point.

-Thank you. -So here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna have everyone stay late tomorrow,

so you can present the closing arguments to the McDougal case,

and if we're suitably impressed,

well, I think we'll be able to make a decision.

Uh, wow! Uh, tomorrow, as in the day after today?

I'm sorry, you said the MacDonald case?

Mc-Dou-gal.

You are prepared, aren't you, counselor?

Oh-- Oh, so prepared, I mean, I could do it right now, if you wanted.

But let's not, because you look busy.

So, uh, tomorrow's fine. Or... next week?

Whichever.

Hi! Tucker Dobbs.

Probably takin' home an award tomorrow night.

(laughs)

Hey-- Hey, Frank Bostwick, right?

Did I just hear you were in the market

for a hot young producer, perfect, I'll call Monday!

Tucker Dobbs? I've heard some very impressive things about you.

Really? Impressive enough to hire me? (laughs)

I'm not desperate, I'm just asking.

Well, all I can say is, your mother is hysterical.

My what?

Hello, son.

What the hell are you doing here?

I told you, you are not my plus one, y-- you're not even my minus one.

Ben felt bad about your mother not loving you enough

to show up, so here I am.

Not loving you enough, but... showing up.

Okay. (chuckles) Right, right. Well, I suggest

you finish filling up on shrimp and get the hell outta here.

Seriously, I can see them in your purse.

Is that any way to treat the woman who just talked up

her talented, driven, bi-racial son,

and got him three job interviews?

Hey, you look important, have you met my mom?

Oh, hey...

Dr. Dobbs! I'm so happy you could make it. Tucker is gonna be so surprised.

So, I bet you're pretty proud of your son.

Oh, of course I am.

Makutawatah will be a brilliant doctor one day.

And to think, he only cost me $29 a month and a couple of stamps.

I meant Tucker.

Oh, Tucker could never be a doctor.

-(both laughing) -Well, we certainly pulled that off,

didn't we... son?

Well, the awards are tomorrow night,

so be sure to pull it off again... "Mom"!

-You're grounded! -Not again, Ma! (both laughing)

You know, I'm kinda sorry your mom didn't come.

I'd like to meet her someday.

You slept with my dad and were named in their divorce.

And that's why I said, "kinda sorry."

Okay.

Thanks for coming, that was super fun, I'm really tired, bye!

Why do so many of my dates end this way?

Mmm.

Mom! Wha-- What a surprise!

Oh, my God!

Oh... okay, I'd like to be done now.

Okay. Um... what are you doing here?

Guilty!

Well, after we spoke, Benjamin called

and explained to me

how important this award thing is to you.

You didn't get that from my call when I said

how important this award thing is to me?

Well, you think everything is important.

Lord knows I've left the operating room

for a couple of backyard plays that turned out to be not as critical

as my patients.

Ben, can I talk to you for a minute?

Mom, just, uh... m-- make yourself comfortable.

Oh, I haven't been comfortable in 26 years.

Hey, aren't you 26?

Hey, man, no need to get all mushy.

A simple "thank you" is fine.

You're right, this really calls for a hug.

Get off of me!

Why would you send your mom to be my pretend mom,

while you call my mom to come and be my real mom?

Wait! Did my mom show up at the cocktail party?

That was not the plan!

Well, let's just hope she didn't talk to anyone.

She talked to everyone!

The whole world thinks she's my mom.

I have six interviews and a bachelor party to go to.

But your mom's gonna be crushed if she doesn't get to go now.

Yeah. That's kinda why I'm so pissed!

Oh... yeah, I was wondering.

Look, man, I know you don't have the best relationship with your mom,

and I envy you for that. But this could be the fresh start.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't think you have a choice.

You have to uninvite her.

Me? Wh-Why do I have to do it? This is your fault.

Is it?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Uh-huh.

I don't know...

And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury... (yawns)

Um... to ignore the facts is to, um... is to...

(snoring)

Poor thing, she's exhausted. She didn't sleep at all last night.

She's goin' down!

-Think I should wake her up? -If you wake her up, I'll put you to sleep.

This is really important for her.

Yeah, well, so was going to that awards show with Tucker.

But you don't see me plotting my revenge.

You don't, do you?

'Cause I want it to seem like an accident.

It's McDougal, not MacDonald, stupid, stupid.

(snoring)

She's so beautiful when she sleeps.

Is it wrong that all I wanna do is draw a mustache on her and post it online?

Mom!

-Okay, maybe just one picture. -Okay!

So, what'd you think of Uncle Tucker's Mother's Day special?

-Eh. -Took the "eh" right outta my mouth.

Finally, a suit named for the guy who's wearin' it.

The "tux"! (laughs)

What do you think, Emma?

Handsome.

And I agree! I should be takin' you to the awards

instead of your grandma.

Emma's grandma? My mom?

You're taking my mom? Don't you mean your mom?

No, your mom, like we planned.

No! I uninvited my mom so you could take your mom.

Like we planned!

No! I uninvited my mom so that I could take your mom...

like we planned!

-I didn't plan that! -That's pretty obvious now!

-Should I stay out of it? -Yes.

-Will I stay out of it? -No.

Oh, you know me so well.

You know, Tucker, the way your mother's been singing your praises,

you might just have to pay her 10 percent.

(all laughing)

-Never happening, no. -Oh, we'll see.

I need a drink.

So... you look like you have an expense account.

How liberal can you get with that thing?

A vodka tonic, hold the tonic.

Just like your father used to drink before he would get Frisky.

-Mom? -Why he had to have a drink before he brought the cat in,

I'll never know.

I can't believe you brought my mother here!

Well, I'm sorry. How was I supposed to know

you were gonna reinvite my mom?

The same way I was supposed to know you would stay out of my business.

Well, a better friend would know I have no self-control.

What do we do now?

Oh-- Oh, I'll tell you what you're gonna do.

You're gonna go keep my mom occupied.

-Dude, she's an attractive woman, but I d-- -By talking to her!

Ohh, yeah, okay, I can do that, too.

Look, I told her that because her visit was a "surprise,"

there wasn't enough time to get her a ticket at my table.

So, the two of you, you're just gonna sit in the back together,

and then I'll slip out with her afterwards and take her to dinner.

I like it, I like it, but do you have another plan

where I'm not stuck with the my mom at the end?

Oh, no. Incoming mom! Incoming mom!

-Mine or yours? -Both! Go! Go!

All right, are we all ready to do this?

I want everyone to give Ms. Perrin here their undivided attention.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before you sits not just an innocent man,

but a man willfully and wrongly accused.

We have shown-- uh-- uh-- ho-- Is that tuna?

Wow. Way to lose focus.

Sorry. We have shown that the defendant could not have possibly--

Are-- Are you gonna eat that right now?

Uh, Perrin, if you're gonna be working the sandwich into your argument...

bad idea.

Again, sorry.

Uh... we have shown that the defendant

could not have possibly committed the crime-- (gagging)

crimes of which he has been accused,

because, well-- huh, because he just simply wasn't there.

-Ms. Perrin? You okay? -No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine, thank you.

And... seeing as he wasn't there, he, uh--

Oh my-- Oh, my God! (vomiting)

(cell phone ringing)

(cell phone ringing)

I think you have a call.

(awards music playing and applause)

This is just like the awards ceremonies for doctors, except,

we don't give awards, we just... save lives and don't brag about it.

Dr. Dobbs, I know this is none of my business,

but can I be honest with you?

Which implies you've been dishonest with me up until this point,

but sure, go ahead.

Bottom line, I don't think Tucker thinks he's important to you.

Well, that's ridiculous. I heavily imply it constantly.

You know what? I don't think you're a very good mother.

You're uncaring, you're cold, and you make Tucker feel like crap.

Is it so hard to show your son that you're proud of what he does?

Even my mom shows me that she loves me, and she hates me.

I don't care how deep you have to dig to find an ounce

of unconditional love and support, but you better do it.

Because he deserves it.

How long have you two been dating?

Hey, hey... how'd it go? Did you kill it?

Oh, I killed it. Yeah, uh, I killed my career.

You know what? And it's my fault, for thinking that I could have it all,

that I could be a mom, and this hotshot lawyer,

when the truth is, I can't even go five minutes

without barfing in somebody's handbag.

You puked in a purse?

Yes. I did.

And it was a really nice purse.

Look, they'll never give me junior partner now.

I can't believe I thought I could do this.

You can do this.

You can do anything because you're Riley Perrin.

You're gonna be the mother to my child,

and if you want something... you're gonna get it!

Danny, Danny!

Hey. I'm Danny Wheeler, Riley's fiancé.

I never touched her, don't hurt my face.

What? No. No, I just want you all to know

that you're making a terrible mistake.

So what if she's pregnant?

Yeah... that's right.

She's not fat. She's got a kid shoved up in there!

My hero.

But you should all be ashamed of yourselves. She's managed to outwork all of you,

24-7, round the clock, learning this case inside and out,

just to prove what I've always known--

that she can do anything she sets her mind to.

And that's exactly the kind of lawyer you should make partner.

(kazoo fanfare)

Surprise.

Uhh... What-- What is going on?

Oh, my God, I did it. I got you the job!

We decided on you last week. I set up this whole closing arguments thing

just to get you down here so that we could surprise you.

Puking into Sandy's handbag was just a bonus.

But, for the record, you being pregnant was never an issue.

Is that how HR told me to say it?

So you knew?

-How? -Well, you stopped drinkin' coffee,

and you switched to water at happy hour, and, well, your office smells like vomit.

And the winner for Outstanding Daytime Special goes to...

Tucker Dobbs, The Mary Hart Show: A Very Hart-Felt Mother's Day.

Oh, my God, I did it, I won!

-What are you doing? -I'm going with you.

-Wait! Where are you going? -You just told me I need to show him I'm proud of him.

I didn't mean now!

No, don't-- No, ow! Ohh!

Okay, fine. But not a word out of you!

Wow, to say this is a surprise is an under--

Tucker, darling, I'm so happy for you.

Who's this woman?

I'm his mother.

-Who are you? -I'm his mother.

That's right. Tucker Dobbs has-- has two mommies.

Two white mommies.

Tonight was a journey long in the--

Where the hell have you been all this time?

Um, saving lives?

Why is this woman pretending to be your mother?

Can we please do this later?

-As I was saying... -And why are you even here?

Did they run out of ice?

I-- I don't know who you are, but it would be terrific

if you would just shut up.

Hey hey hey, how about you both shut up?

I just wanna dedicate this to--

So what you're saying is I'm not good enough for him?

Well, from what I hear, you're not good enough for a lot of people.

Oh, 'kay, well, I'm here now, so you can leave.

No, you can leave.

Oh, I wish I could leave.

Tucker, I need to talk to you.

Seriously, can we do this later?

I never really wanted kids.

And we're doing this now.

I just want you to know that I really do love you, Tucker.

And I'm sorry if I have a hard time showing it.

I love you, too, Mom.

Oh...

Powerful stuff, huh?

-And I just wanted to say that I really-- -Not now, Mrs. Wheeler.

Wheeler? Bonnie Wheeler?

You're the woman who slept with my husband?

No, no, you are thinking of a different Bonnie Wheeler,

You know what? I'm gonna go get her.

-'Kay? -Get back here.

Mom! This way, through the kitchen!

You know, just once, I'd like to not have to run out of someplace fancy with you.

Wait! No, I--

Wow. I just-- uh-- (music begins)

(indistinct)

-Come on, man. -The music's on.

Okay, maybe the most awkward acceptance speech ever,

but you're back in the TV biz.

Yeah, only if I get a job selling them.

Every one of those interviews got canceled.

I'm sorry, man.

But your mom did show up.

Yeah. Hey, she told me what you said.

Thank you, Ben.

You know, sometimes I wish I was a part of your family.

Your mom might be crazy,

but... she really had my back today.

Hey, don't tell Tucker,

but I tried to open a bottle of wine

with his award.

Those wing things snapped right off.

Welcome to the family.