Original subtitles

Previously on Scorpion...

I just want a huge wedding.

I never dreamed I'd marry a babe like you, I...

It's the greatest accomplishment of my life.

I just... I want everyone to know it.

I'm a little closed, and that's not the best way for us

to start our new life together.

If our marriage is gonna work,

I need to be able to express myself better.

The Warlock's Chest storefront

is 90 years old.

Old enough to fall under the auspices

of the Historic Zoning Commission,

so I am filing papers to prevent its destruction.

We may have lost the war,

but Sly won the battle.

I'm gonna ask Cabe if he wants to hang out tonight.

I think he could use a friend.

That was empathy.

Walter identified emotional pain in someone else

and demonstrated empathy.

You can't empathize if you haven't been through

a similar situation yourself.

The heir shall approach.

Our brotherhood was threatened

by those who wished to vanquish our realm,

but they were smitten... Smote.

They were smoten. No. Just smote.

They were smote

by the brave defender

of The Warlock's Chest,

Sylvester the Conquestor.

And in the tradition of our forbearers,

we present thee with the Stone of Valor.

Wise Dyfrost, it is with

the greatest humility that I do accept...

Sorry. I just got to put this away.

Gary. We're knighting someone.

Mini-fridge doesn't stock itself, boys.

Okay? All right, back to your skit.

Okay, well, let's just...

...finish the ceremony. Right?

Uh, I get the Goblet of Yar and then

I drink the Blood of the Condor.

To The Warlock's Chest.

Damn it.

I forgot the fruit punch.

Guarantee no kids in Russia or China

are doing this goofy crap.

Shame on you for hacking this.

I didn't. Sly must've plugged into their security cameras

to download the ceremony to his laptop,

which he forgot to close. I found it running

on a loop when I came in.

It's uncomfortable.

I feel guilty watching this.

I feel sick watching it.

Yet no one's looking away.

Good morrow, compatriots!

Good morrow

to you, fine sir!

That's a fancy little brooch you got there.

It is not a brooch.

It is a stone of valor.

Not a big deal...

Kind of a big deal.

Oh, Happy, I think these pages are yours.

“Wedding To-Do List”?

Wow.

It's long. Yup.

That's 'cause big weddings are stupid time-sucks...

...which we will look back upon one day

and realize was worth all the hard work.

Nice save.

Well, I can help you with it

if you want. It's fun, getting registered,

floral arrangements, trying on dresses.

Hi. I'm Happy Quinn. We've obviously never met.

I'm serious.

There's a lot on that list that has to be done

and you need someone to assist you.

Someone who loves weddings,

someone like a maid of honor.

Okay, I get the incredibly unsubtle hint.

But we're not having a wedding party.

We're keeping it simple.

No maid of honor? No best man?

The best man tradition is based

on the morally questionable tradition

of 16th century Goths

picking the man “best” at stealing the bride

from the neighboring village the night before the wedding.

That's a good point, Sly!

Plus, I got three amigos.

Couldn't bear breaking the heart of two of them.

I can see where having to select one of us

could disrupt the team dynamic.

Plus, I can't have Cabe or Sly upset at being shunned.

Here we go.

What makes you think it'd be you?

Well, as Toby's oldest friend

and employer, I'm the logical choice.

So if he doesn't pick you, he's fired?

Well, how about the fact that without my sage advice,

he never would've landed this little filly?

Now I'm being compared to a horse?

Oh, thank you for getting this ball rolling, Paige.

Happy, may I interject?

No.

I am clearly the best man here.

First and foremost,

I bear the Stone of Valor.

Plus, Toby and I are very close.

You married my sister without telling any of us.

Besides, who are you to comment on wedding parties?

At least I was never married to Happy.

The ex-husband as the best man?

Gross. So, Toby, old pal,

if you were gonna choose one of us, who'd you pick?

I don't like to deal in hypotheticals.

Did you hear that ding? I heard it.

That means Happy's testing is finished.

Follow me to see the results.

This is very exciting, isn't it?

What do we have here?

Prep for our Department of Energy windmill gig.

Built a couple of winches

to run a stress test.

They've been going on for 72 hours.

This is currently what is in the D.O.E.'s windmill.

Standard steel, already signs of wear.

Problem with wind farming

is wind hardly ever takes a break,

so the equipment needs constant maintenance.

Especially on the experimental bladeless windmill

we're upgrading.

But I made this one from a graphene alloy I designed.

No wear. They'll increase longevity

of the new bladeless turbines by over 60%.

Okay, well, I'll call Mr. Macholz

at the Department of Energy,

and tell him we're on our way to the wind farm.

And I am going to get my ornithology binoculars.

Where the wind farm is located

is home to Geococcyx californianus,

also known as...

...the roadrunner. Meep, meep.

Hey. Hold up a second.

Are you sure you want Walt to go to the D.O.E.?

Last time he did that, he cost Scorpion a gig.

He's fine. He's working hard

on his communication skills, he's making progress.

Don't need to work on my communication skills.

Naturally personable. Everybody loves old Sly.

I'm not picking a best man!

You need to work on your interpersonal skills, Toby.

I will never cease to be amazed

at what humankind can build.

Energy Valley is amazing.

Wind farms, solar panels, natural gas veins.

And coming soon,

a touch of Scorpion brilliance.

Okay, I'm done.

Okay, guys, Sly is linked in to the turbine's server.

As soon as you're done with the gear installation,

he can monitor the electrical output.

We're almost fully installed,

old parts replaced with new, graphene-alloy counterparts.

Offset hexagon key wrench?

Walt's running test diagnostics.

Ran test diagnostics.

And everything is as it should be.

Great. Mr. Macholz, we're just a few moments away

from finishing the installation, and we'll run a live

electrical output soon thereafter.

And thanks to the D.O.E. for giving us another shot.

We love turbines.

Really big fans.

You get it?

Fans?

Um, okay. Well, we'll call you

when we're on the ground with the results.

Did you get the joke, Toby?

It's the kind of humor that goes over well

in toasts.

That joke went over like a submarine.

A best man speech has got to have zingers.

You got to rip them apart, like Rickles.

I suggest you don't insult your guests.

Public speaking has a formula, Toby.

You have to combine the concise verbiage

of Kennedy speechwriter Arthur Schlesinger

with the witty wordplay of tunesmith W.A. Yankovic.

Who's Rickles?

You morons are arguing

over a best man position that won't be filled.

No wedding party, remember?

I don't care that there's no best man.

I just want to know that if there had been,

it wouldn't have been Sly or Cabe.

And I was just saying you were making progress.

While the rest of the team finishes in the control room,

I'd like to present you with this,

The Cape of Windsor.

Windsor? Like William the Conqueror's Windsor Castle?

No. This was manufactured in Windsor, Ohio.

But that's not important.

What is important is last evening,

The Knights of West Altadenia

assembled for a vesting ceremony.

And it was deemed that your contributions to my campaign

to help save The Warlock's Chest shall not

go unheralded.

Oh, boy. This ain't good.

My roundtable and I

would like to invite you to be knighted

into our clan.

Only the noble of spirit and pure of heart

have been invited to join.

And afterwards, we play Fantasies and Frolics

and there's s'mores, so, you know, fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is a...

This, uh... hell of a cloak.

- Cape. - Cape.

It's a hell of a cape. But, uh...

You know, I'm not, uh, much of a game guy.

Never been. So, uh...

I know. I just figured,

since you and Happy started playing Stratego...

Well, that's true,

but that's, that's strategy and warfare.

That's within my wheelhouse.

Well, Fantasies and Frolics covers over 12 eons of battle,

from the Minotaur Rising to the Troll Conflicts.

Get ready for Sly heartbreak in three, two, one...

Yeah, see there, that's the problem,

there's this whole history that I don't know,

and I-I don't want to ruin it for you guys.

So...

But I tell you what.

I appreciate the invitation.

You, you go tell the fellas that I say thank you.

Sure.

Thank God that's over.

That was brutal.

Okay, all set here.

You two head down,

I will help Toby pack up.

'Cause that is what a good man would do.

Some would say, “best man.”

Just start packing the manuals.

We'll need to track the gears' heat coefficients

once the turbine is turned on.

I will call out the readings, you can jot them down?

Sure.

It's funny how you trust me to monitor

multimillion-dollar equipment,

but not with choosing a wedding dress.

Why do you care that I don't want a maid of honor?

You're being weird about this.

I am not being weird about

the maid of honor thing, I'm being weird because,

I don't know, I just thought maybe we'd grown close

over the past couple years.

What?

We're-We're friends-ish.

I like you just fine.

What a ringing endorsement.

Happy...

Are you even listening?

No, the other gondola's grip is loose.

Hey, Sly, does that look normal to you?

That gondola's not stable.

It's about to break.

They're falling!

We need to stop the cable wheel.

Happy!

Paige, are you okay?

Uh, a little banged up, but all right.

Except for the hanging-150- feet-up-in-the-air part.

The D.O.E. must've repurposed

a gondola from a ski lodge or something.

The mechanics weren't designed for high winds.

Repetitive stress

had to have caused parts failure.

How'd you stop the free fall?

I improvised a brake.

That won't last long. I'm just eyeballing it,

but it seems to be slipping about two inches

every 15 seconds, and we've only got about, uh,

15 feet of cable left.

That's eight inches a minute.

That gives us 22 and a half minutes

before the cable runs through the works,

and that gondola falls.

♪ Scorpion 3x20 ♪ Broken Wind Original Air Date on March 20, 2017

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Copy that. I just got off the phone

with the fire department.

Their tallest ladder is 100 feet.

What about a rescue chopper?

Closest one is helping a hiker

who fell down into a ravine.

What about the crane that built this thing?

They take hours to set up.

What about a jumper's pad? Well, not from this height.

Besides, what would we even build it out of?

Guys, every 15 seconds we're two inches closer to splatter,

and I don't want Ralph being raised by four lunatics.

So just get us the hell down from here.

We can't do that.

Are you kidding me?

This is the one thing you guys can't figure out?!

No, I mean we can't get you down,

so we're gonna have to get you up.

Walt, I've been getting in shape for the wedding,

but deadlifting 2,000 pounds might be a bit much for me.

Mass times gravity times diameter divided by two.

It's elementary school science.

So, we can reconfigure parts of the turbine to make a winch,

just like the winch that Happy used

to stress-test the gear at the garage.

You could use the winch to lift us.

All the components you need are in the mechanics

you've got up there. This could work.

As the turbine turns,

the cable wraps around it, but we'll need at least

five feet of cable to wrap around the winch.

That means we don't have 15 feet of cable

and 22 and a half minutes.

We have ten feet of cable

and 15 minutes.

Okay. Let's hurry

and puncture a hole in the drive shaft.

You left the drill in the back of the truck, didn't you, Happy?

I “left” it?

I left the drill in the truck

because I wouldn't need it here up in control room.

Really? That's crazy because I'm thinking

of a way I need one right now!

Man, they sound like they've been married for years.

This can't weigh more than four pounds.

No one has that good of an arm.

We're not gonna throw it.

We're gonna float it.

Now, get the tarp from the truck bed

and I will find a heat source that will seal the seam.

This lighter should provide enough heat.

Mind cluing me in here, Sly?

We're building a balloon.

We're gonna fill it with methane.

There's not enough jerky in the world

for you and I to fill this thing with methane.

Not from us.

This is Energy Valley, remember?

There are natural gas lines crisscrossing this region

a few miles from here.

You drive while I cut and melt the tarp's plastic into shape.

Okay, Sly and Cabe are making the balloon.

Walter and Toby are prepping the winch. We got a shot.

We'd have a better shot if I was building that winch.

Hey, that's uncalled for.

Toby and I are more than capable of...

We don't need capable, we need masterful.

Get back to work.

Okay.

We're all a little tense for good reason.

How about we try and keep our mind off things?

Uh...

let's go over your wedding to-do list.

Each item we get through, the closer we are

to Cabe and Sly getting back here.

No, thank you.

Okay, we have to occupy our minds.

First thing, flowers. I like calla lilies.

Roses are nice. Um, white stephanotis are beautiful.

I don't want to do this.

Fine. Let's-Let's talk location. Uh...

uh, a beach wedding is romantic.

Okay, would you just shut it already?

Guys, right now is not the best time for fighting.

It's a very good time for teamwork, though.

Quiet, Toby.

Yes, dear.

Sounds like you guys have been married for years.

Look, I'm just not into talking to you about the wedding, okay?

Right, 'cause we're only friends-ish.

We're friends.

Of course we're friends.

You're like the first non-genius I could ever stand.

It's just that all the flowers and pink taffeta,

it's just not my bag.

I'm a genius, not a cheerleader.

Not how I meant it to sound.

It depends.

Did you mean it to sound obnoxious and rude?

'Cause if so, you were right on the money.

It came out wrong.

No, it came out accurately.

You-You guys love facts, you just stated one.

You're a genius. I'm a dumb cheerleader,

and I'm too stupid to be friends with you.

Paige. No, d-don't worry

because, for the next few minutes of our life,

this stupid pom-pom girl

won't bother you anymore.

Oh, and by the way,

I went to the '01 nationals,

and I was top of the pyramid, baby.

Getting there.

Getting there.

Okay, gears are secured and greased for maximum rotation.

We just need that drill.

We've lost a few feet on the cable.

We're running out of time.

Sly, we got under ten minutes left.

Hurry up with that tool, you tool.

Nearly done with the heat seal, and don't call me a tool.

Come on, kid.

Okay, ready. Let's go.

Okay.

I got the opening over the methane valve.

Is this thing really gonna float?

It's lighter than air

and crazy flammable. Careful.

All right. It's working!

They're gonna be here soon.

You know, one of us is gonna have to reach out

over this platform and grab that balloon.

That's just what I was thinking.

That's a long way down.

That's why I should do it. Okay.

I had a whole explanation about how it's treacherous,

and-and since you're getting married,

you shouldn't take the risk...

Unnecessary. I don't want to do it.

That's too high, but you'll definitely earn best-man points.

Good luck.

Guys, Cabe and Sly are back.

Okay, Walter, I did some

quick calculations based on wind speed, trajectory,

the weight of the tarp and the drill...

Would you just let it fly already?

You got it. Godspeed, power tool.

That's some upchuck.

Get it?

Piece on the drill is called a chuck.

It's going up. Upchuck.

Your best man speech will be hysterical.

There it goes. Our only shot.

And if a guy who never played sports can't catch it,

we're screwed.

Okay. It's 20 feet away.

15 feet.

I'm gonna hold onto your belt loop.

No, no, don't touch. Oh, crap.

Oh, crap. Oh, crap.

Got it, got it.

It's a good thing I had ahold of your belt loop, huh?

Stop playing grab-ass and drill the winch hole.

Guys, in one minute the gondola will fall.

Start the turbine.

Look, I'm almost ready. Just hang on.

No pun intended.

Okay, cable's through the hole of the drive shaft.

Start it up.

Okay, cable's secured.

Ladies, I am about to remove the only thing

that has been keeping you from plummeting to the earth,

but it seems the winch will continue to rotate once removed.

“Seems”?!

And once we remove it,

then the winch should catch. “Should”?

Brace yourself.

We're going up.

They're going up.

Wow! Hey, it's working.

The wedding is still on.

Can't get rid of me that easy, Quinn.

Looks like we made it, huh?

Yeah. Guess we did.

Since we'll be on more solid footing in a few minutes,

I'd like to say something to you. Comms out.

Not good.

Damn right, not good.

You guys fighting again? Hello?

I don't need you to tell me

that I am not as smart as you guys.

I am painfully aware of it every day.

Every invention I don't understand,

every formula I can't solve, every reference I don't get...

Like MIT students

trying to follow a Jeffrey Hoffman lecture.

See, I-I have no idea what you're talking about.

But even if I can't keep up, I thought I at least measured up

as a-a valued team member, as a friend,

but I guess you just, you just always saw me as an inferior.

Paige, that is not correct.

Oh, what a surprise. Something else I got wrong.

You know what, I hope they speed that winch up

'cause I don't want to spend another second with you

in this box.

Whoa.

Oh, man, we're stuck.

Perfect.

Oh, I found the problem. Wind speed's dropped from 21

to 11 miles per hour. That is too slow

to create enough power to spin the winch.

So, we're stuck here until the wind

- picks up? - Not exactly.

Our makeshift winch is starting to give.

That's because I didn't design the drive shaft

to hold thousands of pounds of dead weight

pulling on it straight down.

If it was turning, it could hold us.

But constant pressure?

It's not gonna last too long.

How long before it breaks?

I'm looking at Happy's design specs.

Based on the PSI,

18 minutes until complete failure.

So, we're gonna die because

it's not breezy out anymore.

We stopped a tornado once.

Can't we kick up some wind?

No, but you can kick out a little weight.

An 11-mile-per-hour wind should power the winch

as long as it doesn't have to haul that much cargo.

I'm terrified to say this, ladies,

but you might have to shed a few pounds.

We're gonna need more than a few.

To uncompromise the winch,

we're gonna need to cut the gondola loose.

Yeah, I don't like that idea.

It's our only shot.

Now, you and Happy get up on the roof,

hang onto the cable, and then

we'll sever the cable to detach the gondola.

You two can't weigh more than,

together, 250 pounds, right?

240.

Minimal carriage.

Even for a warped winch.

Hey, I hate to be the bearer of bad questions,

but how in the name of reinforced braided steel

are we gonna cut the cable?

Hadn't considered that yet.

Yeah, well, I have.

And I've got an idea, but Paige and Happy might not like it.

It's worse than Walter's idea?

I'm gonna shoot

through the cable.

A high caliber rifle

will knock that gondola clean off.

And if you miss, our heads.

A headless bride might crimp my nuptials.

Uh, Cabe, know you're a good shot,

but how good?

I got my marksmanship qualification

when I was in the Corps. Now, we only got

12 minutes left? Barely 11 minutes.

Then we better hightail it back

to that gun store we passed

about a mile back. With the way Cabe drives,

we should be back with one minute or so to spare.

Okay, then go already!

Man, they're cutting it close.

Something as small as a-a slow checkout clerk

at the gun shop could mean they fall.

Toby's right; we need to buy more time.

You need to get rid of any extra weight the gondola is holding.

Now, every pound jettisoned can give us extra crucial seconds

before the winch falls.

So, while Toby and I try to stop this thing from bending,

you two dump anything that isn't essential.

Hey, take it easy.

It's cheap workmanship. Okay, open the door,

this thing is going overboard.

That could be us.

We got to keep lessening our load. Come on.

Agent Cabe Gallo, Homeland Security.

I need to commandeer a Desert Tech HTI sniper rifle.

It's a matter of life and death. Excuse you,

I'm with a customer, you'll need to wait.

I don't think you understand.

I'm an agent of the U.S. government.

Well, as an agent of the U.S. government,

you would know that the law requires

a ten-day waiting period

before the sale of a firearm.

And as a licensed firearms merchant

in the state of California, you should know

that this badge allows me emergency appropriation.

Look, for all I know, that's fake

and you're some kook who's just...

Is that the Stone of Valor?

Uh, yes. Yes, it is.

My liege.

I am Erhlic of the Desert Dwellers,

fourth son of Ravenswood, uh, gunsmith

to the House of Thames. I'm at your service.

You got to be kidding me.

At ease, brave Erhlic.

Two of my clan are in grave peril

and we beseech your aid.

Say no more.

The weapon you seek shall be yours.

I bet he would have appreciated the cape.

Happy, we can't keep this winch

from breaking for much longer; you got to shed more weight.

Anything that could be tossed is already on the ground.

Only thing left is our clothes, and we're not dying naked.

Can't hold on much longer, even with the reduced weight.

We have less than 90 seconds

before this thing snaps.

Where's Cabe?

Right here!

I got the rifle.

Ladies, get topside.

Oh, boy.

Little help!

Okay, we're out.

Get up that cable and hold on.

- Rifle's locked in. I'm ready. - But they're not.

There isn't enough clearance to take the shot.

Ladies, you got to keep climbing.

And do it fast! The winch is starting to snap.

We got 60 seconds until everything starts tumbling down!

We're trying to!

The cable's coated

in lithium compound grease,

specifically designed to prevent things from gripping it!

I have an idea. Happy, I'm coming up.

Okay,

I'm gonna wrap my foot in the cable and lean back a bit.

You'll step on my foot and lean back, too.

Our weight will counterbalance each other

and make it easier for us to climb up.

And then you'll wrap your foot

and we'll alternate all the way up.

There you go. Got it?

Yeah. I'm good.

Pretty close quarters for two people

who couldn't stand being in the same box together.

Yeah, well, the irony isn't lost on me, either.

All right, let's climb. Okay.

We've got five feet

of clearance, wind is steady. Take the shot.

Why don't I hear a gunshot? We have 30 seconds!

If I'm off by a hair, I take their heads off.

Give me a second.

It's now or never, Cabe.

Hurry!

It's hard to hold on.

Do it, Cabe!

Nothing happened!

Cabe missed.

He missed the shot.

Hey, Cabe, what about

that marksmanship qualification from the Marines?

I haven't fired a rifle like this in ten years.

Give Sly a sec

to sight it in.

The vapor trail indicates

we need to adjust the barrel one degree east.

Copy that.

All right, stand back and watch the magic.

Damn it.

Are you kidding me, Cabe?

I've seen better magic at birthday parties.

We're getting tired.

We only have five seconds left until...

It's working. It's turning. Cabe,

I never doubted you for one moment, my man.

Happy, the winch is moving faster with the lighter load.

You're gonna be back in my loving arms in no time.

I don't know about that.

Relieving the tensile pressure

on the cable triggered aeroelastic flutter.

I don't know what that means, but it's shaking us loose!

Well, Happy and Paige are acting like a pendulum right now.

The more they slip down,

the more erratic they'll start to swing.

The more they swing, the more they'll slip!

How long before the winch works back up

and they get to the top?

90 seconds.

There's nothing we can do to accelerate the winch.

We're at the mercy of the wind.

Happy, how much cable is underneath you?

Three feet, but shrinking fast!

They can't get a good grip on the cable.

They're gonna slip off before they're pulled up.

Then we help them grip it tighter.

I have a way to make it so that they can't let go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Walt, I think I know what you're thinking

and I don't like what I think you're thinking.

We are inside a power plant.

We have all the electrical current

that we need. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That could kill them! Only if

the doctor with the highest IQ in the world

messes up, and I believe that he won't.

What are you planning?

We're gonna run an electrical current

through the cable.

Now, at its proper levels, it will cause tetany,

the severe involuntary muscular contractions.

They will be physically incapable of letting go.

And at the improper levels?

You're electrocuted.

Tetany happens at a very exact range of 16 to 19 milliamps.

A hair above that sweet spot, guaranteed cardiac arrest!

I am not risking electrocuting my fiancée!

I'm still here, too.

Or electrocuting Paige. My bad.

If we do this, they have a 50% chance of dying.

If we don't, they have a 100% chance of dying.

They will be up here in less than a minute.

We can't hold on any longer.

Toby, just do it!

All right, now, I'm gonna let the cable run along the wire,

never letting it rest for too long,

so I don't send too much current to their bodies at once.

Well, I can plug into the energy monitoring software

at the control shed,

make sure the amps stay in the tetany zone.

Cabe, let's go.

If any of us is tough enough to do it, it's you two girls.

Walt, you stay on that rubber mat

and touch nothing metal until I say so.

Happy, Paige, this is gonna hurt. I'm sorry.

Just do it!

We're at 16 milliamps; they should be locked on but conscious.

Can you hear us, Happy?

They're not responding!

It's got to be working.

They would've fallen by now if it wasn't.

We'll have them up here in seconds.

You're doing great.

Another 40 seconds, this will all be over.

Walt, wind's blowing harder!

Oh, no, 18 milliamps.

The energy output must be rising

because of an uptick in wind speed.

Well, if it gets to 20 milliamps,

their heart muscles will seize!

Just a few more seconds.

Can't... take...

any... more!

Yeah, you can, you're almost there!

19 milliamps!

First there was no wind, now there's too much.

I hate nature.

Walt, they're up! Cut the juice!

Second-degree burns on the palms and fingers,

but the pulse is good.

Happy, come on. Come on, say something.

Don't ever electrocute me again.

Oh, she's fine. How's Paige?

Same.

How are you feeling?

Pretty... amped up.

I think that was a joke.

Okay, gang, just sit tight.

Rescue choppers are on their way.

You'll be back on Terra firma before you know it.

All set.

Thank you.

You two really hung on to each other up there.

Don't know how you survived that.

Guess we did work together pretty well.

I guess so.

Quick thinking on your part,

counterbalancing on the cable and all.

How do you know physics like that?

Cheer squad.

It was from one of our routines.

I'm sorry. It's okay.

You don't sugarcoat things, and the truth is

I'm not as smart as you guys.

That's not what I'm sorry for.

Clearly, we're all smarter than you.

Oh, okay.

I'm sorry for letting you think that was the reason

I didn't want your help with the wedding.

That's not what I meant by the “cheerleader” comment.

Okay, so what did you mean?

Toby wants to invite half of Brooklyn to the ceremony.

He says he wants to show me off.

He's proud he's marrying you. He should be.

I still don't know how he pulled that off.

The thing is,

I'm not comfortable with being

the center of attention for this kind of thing.

You know, you want to hear a lecture

on combustion engines, fine, all eyes on me.

But certain things are

expected of a bride,

and I do not fulfill those expectations.

Happy, you are beautiful.

You're stunning.

I am not now, nor have I ever been

a “girlie” kind of girl.

When I was a kid, my tools were taken away

and replaced with dolls.

I hate dolls. Hate being dolled up.

My least-favorite first lady, Dolly Madison.

I tried dresses and makeup, but it's not me.

I don't want to disappoint Toby.

This big wedding is important to him,

and meeting his family is stressful enough.

Doing it while I'm pretending to be something I'm not...

Happy, I just wanted to make things easier for you.

I couldn't care less if we were picking out a Vera Wang

or a Black & Decker.

I know Toby could care less, too.

'Cause that wing nut is crazy in love with you.

Look at him.

What did I get myself into?

A wedding.

And I'm not gonna offer my help anymore.

I don't want to add any more stress.

But know I'm here,

if you need me,

'cause we're friends...

ish.

Hey, Hap, I got an e-mail from Harbor Oaks Catering.

It's a nice venue, affordable.

Dance floor's big enough to accommodate my sexy moves,

so I'm gonna give 'em a ring tomorrow.

Speaking of “ring”"

an under-looked but integral job

of the best man is the presentation

of the wedding ring.

Now, the hand holding that ring

will be featured in your photos forever.

So you can have Cabe's gnarled, battle-worn digits

or Sly's fingers, ravaged by

millions of comic book-induced paper cuts,

or... these.

They're supple.

Nary a scar.

Used for nothing, apart from the occasional code.

In other words, soft.

Toby, what you want are a man's hands.

I don't think you know how that sounds.

You want someone who can handle a ring.

I'm the only one here

who has been bestowed the Ring of the Falconer.

How much jewelry do you guys hand out?

Plenty.

All right, this is ridiculous, Toby.

You got three candidates.

We're all capable, all interested.

But you refuse to choose.

Yeah, you know what? I think...

I think this is a power trip for you.

All right, all right, that's it, if the only way

I can end this madness is to actually pick someone

to stand up for me on my big day,

I'm gonna do it.

Because, listen, I... I want the real deal.

I want someone who's always dependable.

Someone who can adapt when things get hairy.

I want someone

who comes up with solutions

when it seems there are none.

I want someone who, in short, is sharp as a tack.

So...

I don't want a best man.

I want a best ma'am.

Paige, if it wasn't for you

on that cable today,

I wouldn't have a Happy to marry.

Will you please do me this honor?

I'd love to be your best ma'am.

You got to be kidding.

We made up at the ambulance.

I was going to ask her.

You snooze, you lose.

Okay, fine.

Yes, the competition is back on!

I'm gonna be the best maid of honor.

Like hell you will.

No. No competition.

I am not going through what Toby did,

so I choose all three.

Equal rank, equal titles.

My “dudes of honor”"

You can't do that.

It's my wedding, I can do whatever I want.

Now, dudes...

time to get cracking

on this to-do list.

Oh, I can't now. I have tons of D.O.E. paperwork.

Perhaps tomorrow?

And, uh, I'd love to stay and help,

but I've got Fantasies and Frolics tonight.

In fact, I better hurry.

Okay...

I'm gonna catch the bus.

I got time to take a stab at that to-do list with you.

The night's wide open.

No, it's not,

'cause you're gonna go play Nerd World

with Sly and the putz-around gang.

No, I told Sly I can't make it.

You never said you couldn't make it,

you said you didn't want to go,

and broke his dork heart.

No, I didn't.

He just wanted to pay me back

for helping save his clubhouse.

He-He didn't have to do that. I was glad to do it.

He's not trying to pay you back.

He's trying to be your friend, dummy.

Sometimes if someone is your friend,

you let them do stuff for you,

like give you a cloak or help plan a wedding,

even if you don't want it.

'Cause it's not about you, it's about them,

and them feeling good about being a good friend.

Or something like that. I don't know.

I'm a genius. I am new to this feeling stuff.

Like it or not,

you have a funny way

of growing on people, old man.

Sly got close to you during the campaign,

and now that it's over, he's scared.

It's the same way I felt when you moved out of my apartment.

- Really? - Sure.

You're like a raccoon

digging through someone's garbage.

You wonder how the hell it got into your life,

but once it's gone, you kind of miss it.

Huh.

♪ Having your good kind of love ♪

♪ Hey, come back home to me... ♪

Oh.

Your Department of Energy friend

has got you doing paperwork, too?

Uh, no, I took a little break.

Actually, I'm trying to get a jump start

on all these best ma'am responsibilities.

Planning a stag party is a little

out of my area of expertise.

Plus, this is not exactly speeding up the process.

Yes, I've also been cramming

on best-man research lately, all for naught.

Like, I could lend you a hand.

Literally and metaphorically.

Oh, yeah, that sounds good.

Perhaps I can help you prepare for your

dude-of-honor stint.

We've got a lot to put together over a few short weeks.

Wedding partners in crime? Deal.

It might require a few late nights

and, uh, some weekends.

Whatever it takes.

I do not need Happy Quinn mad at me.

All right, well, let's get to work.

Come on, you 20-sided mistress.

Sylvester needs a new set of wands.

Ho!

Ooh, a bravery spell.

Hey, Dyfrost, you can buy this from me

and use it to stand up to your mother.

The woman is a tyrant.

Here we go.

Boys, let's feed the dragon.

Hoo...

Holy crap, it's Thor.

I'm Magnus Gallo.

I understand there's a knighthood waiting for me.

Of course.

If you'll just kneel.

That's not gonna happen.

Guys, we can just forego the ceremony

and introduce him to the game, right?

You came.

Sure I did, kid.

Couldn't let my friend go into battle without me.

You guys have anything stronger than a Dr. Shazz

in that mini-fridge?

We have a wine cooler.

Don't drink that. That's eight years old.

But it is your roll.

What the hell kind of die is this?

Huzzah!

Now, which one am I?

You're the... you're the girl in red.

I know, I know, just...

I'd like to roll again, if you don't mind.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man