All language subtitles for Girls.Just.Wanna.Have.Blood.2019.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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(light electronic music)

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- [Stacy] Mm, please. (giggling)

Don't make me beg, mister, I need it.

Don't you wanna give it to me?

Don't you want us to feel

good?

Please, mister?

I mean, we would get it ourselves

but we seemed to misplace our IDs.

I mean come on, what's the big deal?

It's just a witty bitty
bit of beer. (giggling)

- I don't know.

I'd get in a lot of trouble.

- What if we promised
with a cherry on top?

- Yeah.

- Three cherries.

- I mean, we'll make it worth your while.

I promise.

I promise with a big, black,

beautiful, tight cherry on top.

(laughing)

(energetic rock music)

- Woo!

You girls really know how to party.

(laughs)

- You're not too bad yourself, sir.

(man laughing)

- You girls already got me drunk.

- That's the idea.

- Is it?

- Mhm.

'Cause that's when the real fun begins.

(grunting)
- Oh!

- You girls think he's ready yet?

Hey!

Do you think he's ready?

- Almost.

- Yeah, I don't think I'm

having fun anymore.

- You just need to drink more, here.

- No, no, no, I don't wanna drink anymore.

- (laughs) No, come on.

- No.

- I think we're losing him.

- Music.

We need more music.

(tense music)

- [April] Oh!

(rock music)

You can't go anywhere yet, silly. (laughs)

I think he's ready.
(rock music)

- Do you think you're ready?

Do you think you can handle us?

All three of us?

(tense music)

- Yeah.

- Do you promise to be gentle?

- I promise.

(laughing)

- You know, we want it
to be really special.

Will you make it special?

- I promise, I promise,

I'll be whatever you want me to be.

(laughing)

I'll do whatever you want me to do.

- Well do you like my body?

- [Man] Mhm.

- I knew you would.

And guess what?

- What?

- It's all yours. (laughing)

Can I touch you?

- (chuckles) Yeah.

- Can I touch you down here? (laughing)

- [Man] Yeah.

(laughing)

(hissing)

(crunching)

(screaming)

(eerie synth music)

(thudding)

- The things we gotta
do for a fucking meal.

(sighs)

(rock music)

♪ Swords through my heart ♪

♪ Though it echoes through my soul ♪

♪ Those words of the past ♪

♪ Oh it loves to make me hope ♪

♪ Bitches on time ♪

♪ Oh it was not long ago ♪

♪ All knees behind ♪

♪ I've been blinded by all low ♪

♪ Do you remember ♪

♪ Or do you care ♪

♪ You're going back, you're going back ♪

♪ You got to ♪

♪ See into my life ♪

♪ I'll find out what's inside ♪

♪ Oh I will survive ♪

♪ All your fears and pain inside ♪

♪ Do you remember ♪

♪ Or do you care ♪

♪ Look into my eyes ♪

♪ Can you tell me what you say ♪

♪ Is it something you see ♪

♪ Is that something that I hide ♪

♪ Do you remember ♪

♪ Or do you care ♪

♪ Do you remember ♪

♪ Or do you ♪

♪ Care ♪

♪ For me ♪

(baby crying)

(light guitar music)

- Hello, this is Preacher Peterson

and I'm here to speak
to you on behalf of God.

Here I'd like to let you know something

that maybe you haven't
been informed of yet.

Everything is from him.

Every person needs a community.

And every community needs a church.

So I'm here to ask you a question

directly from him.

And that question is,

if you can't spend five
dollars a day on him,

on the Lord,

how do you expect the Lord to spend

even five minutes on you?

Five minutes a day,

(motor revving)
five minutes a week,

something to five dollars a day.

Through the church, to keep saving lives.

That's right, five dollars a day

keeps the devil away.

(creaking)

This has been a message directly from God.

- Jesus, Mom.

(groaning)

(sighing)

- Don't Jesus me.

Is that any way to greet your mother?

Help momma to bed, she's tired.

- Drunk is more like it.

- (laughing) I'm not drunk!

- I know, you're just tired.

- Yeah.

I work hard for all this.

If momma needs a drink to unwind,

momma will have one.

You think my life's easy?

You got it easy, sleeping all day long,

not doing shit.

I gotta work, put food on the table,

buy you damn clothes.

I don't have to explain myself to anyone.

You owe me, you owe me!

If you knew what I'd done,

everything I've been through

to give you everything I have.

- I know Mom, I know.

(snoring)

- Whee! (laughing)

(groaning)

Oh, bed.

Oh, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed. (laughing)

Bed!

Hey.

Oh honey.

Can you put my programs on?

You know momma loves to
listen to her programs

while she falls asleep.

- Much as I hate to be
the one to warn you,

as if you didn't already know!

(laughing)
Do you pass out

the devil's juice!

(retching)
All the drugs,

all the liquor!

All the things will go out of you,

child of God!

(creaking)

(lazy music)

(scraping)

- If it ain't the trash
taking out the trash.

- Thank's Stink.

Just what I needed today.

- Oh chill out baby.

You know I love you.

- Oh do you know?

- Well I'ma put it to you this way.

Guess which girl I've
dirtied more socks to,

than any other girl in the world?

- I don't know, who?

- Hmm, it's you, little mamacita.

So many little sperms have died for you.

- Got a cigarette?

- [Stink] Yeah.

But when we gonna go out?

- (laughing) Go out?

- I know you get moist around me.

(sniffing)

I could smell it, I got
a nose like a hound dog.

- And the breath of one too.

I gotta a motor.

Thanks for the cigarette.

- Oh anything for you,

my little rainbow in the dark.

- Dinner's in the oven.

It's salisbury steak, your favorite.

- Yum.

- Okay, I gotta get to work.

You know the drill.

I might be bringing someone
home with me tonight,

knock on wood.

So please make yourself and your brother

scarce later on.

- I wouldn't call it work

when your time card's a cock.

- Christ, Jessica.

Have a heart, okay?

It's that cock that paid
for your dinner tonight.

I left you a few smokes on the counter.

(microwave beeping)

- [Preacher] A free pass
to suffer for eternity!

How many times does Jesus need to tell you

how to live, people?

He found me, he found me at the bottom

in my darkest pain.

And he said push the pieces.

Just like some of you don't wanna believe

don't wanna believe that
the Lord is gonna help you!

He gave you life!

(heavy rock music)

♪ Making the rounds on the city street ♪

- Come on, big boy.

You had fun last time didn't you?

I know you did.

I know you did.

Remember all the fun we had?

Let's make that magic
happen again, okay boys?

I can take you both on.

I know you like to party.

I know you have the money

and I know you have the time.

Do you wanna get together and

fuck!

(creepy voice exhaling)

- [Woman] Jessica.

Jessica.

(light music)

Jessica.
- Jessica.

- [Whispering Voice] Jessica.

- Jessica.
- Hey Jessica.

- Jess, Jessica.
- Jessica.

- [Whispering Voice] Jessica.

- Jessica.
- Jessica!

- [Whispering Voice] Jessica.

- [Woman] Jessica.

(tense music)

- [Whispering Voice]
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.

- Jessica.

Jessica!
- Jessica, Jessica.

(baby crying)

(brakes screeching)

- Oh my god, are you all right?

- My brother, my brother!

- Are you okay?

- My brother.

Where's my brother?
- Jessica, Jessica

your brother is fine.
- No he's not!

- Jessica?

- I have to go find him, he rolled away.

My brother, my brother!
- Jessica, listen, listen.

Jessica, listen, your brother is fine!

- Jessica?

Is that you?
- Hey.

- No he's not,

he rolled away!
- He's fine.

He's okay.
- I have to find him!

- Look what we found.

- Holy shit!

Thank you.

What the fuck were you thinking?

You almost killed my little brother.

- First off, bitch,

you walked out right in front of our car.

If you wanna blame somebody for this,

blame your fucking self!

- I didn't see you.

- That's because you're
a stupid ugly bitch.

- Hey!

Calm down!

- Tell that bitch to calm down.

She started yelling at me first.

Get the white trash out of your eyes

and pay the fuck attention
to what you're doing,

you fucking skank!

- All right, that's enough.

Get the fuck out of here!

- Make me.

- Yeah, make us.

- Fine bitch, we're outta here.

- See you around, Jessicunt.

(clicking)

See you, dick baby!

- This wouldn't have happened

if you guys weren't fucking with me.

- Chill, we were just
trying to have some fun.

- Yeah, like chill out.

We were just playin.

- Fuck you.

- Oh, oh fuck me?

- Not yet.

(zooming)

- [Man Voiceover] They're out there.

(rock music)

The whores of Babylon.

They're out there somewhere.

And I am finally going
to catch up with them

and stop them.

For far too long you've
evaded me, bitches.

This time I am ready.

Mentally and physically,

I am at my peak performance level.

Ah, yes.

They will finally meet their end

and it will be at my hands.

The hands of Boris Von Yelsing,

the man who's everyone is
calling crazy for hysterics.

But I show them.

When I am one who stops
shedding of the blood,

the global pollution of these bimbos,

(chuckling) yes, bloodsucking bimbos.

(laughing)

This is good one.

(wheezing)

Is bloodsucking bimbos, is good.

- The bloodshed.

You still listen to me.

You feel it.

You will really feel it

when you listen to me.

Like.

(baby crying)

(cat mewing)

- What the fuck is up with you guys?

- Nothing.

It's just--

- I mean look at this place,
it's fucking disgusting.

I lived in a cave for a year and a half

and that shit was cleaner than this.

- We can't keep living like this.

Sleeping on piss matresses,

feeding off of crackheads.

This is not what I signed up for.

- Man, it's probably
just the blood talking.

Come on, who knows what
this fuck had in his system?

- Okay but see that's
what I'm fucking saying.

We used to be at the top of the world

drinking the Cristal of blood.

And now we're sitting here
drinking Mad Dog 20/20.

- (sighing) We used to live in castles.

Do you all remember castles?

- Oh I remember castles, I miss castles.

- I fucking miss castles.

- Well I fucking miss castles too.

You guys think that I don't miss castles?

This is not what I intended.

From fucking castles to
fucking Trent, New Jersey.

I mean, I don't know.

It's not that bad.

(gunshot ringing in distance)

(woman screaming)

Listen, things are going
to get better, all right?

Come on, I promise.

You guys believe me?

- I believe you.

- Right, fuck yeah I believe you.

- All right, well are you still with me?

- Cross my heart.

(giggling)

- Jessica.
- Jessica.

- Jessica.
- Jessica.

- [Woman] Jessica.

Jessica.

Jessica!

(light electronic music)
(crickets chirping)

- Aw, you're still not mad at us

for having a little fun with you, are you?

- You call almost getting me

and my little brother
killed just having fun?

- We didn't mean for that to happen.

- Look, we feel really bad.

Come on, let us make it up to you.

- How?!

- Would this help?

- Well, it couldn't hurt.

(rock music)

Holy shit.

I'm fucked up.

- Ah, feeling a bit better?

- You guys don't seem as drunk as me.

That's a problem.

(laughing)

I meant to do that.

You know what I was wondering?

- Why the kamikazes wore helmets?

- [Jessica] No.

- Oh, I know, I know.

If signmakers go on strike,

is there anything written on their signs?

- No.

I was wondering something about you.

- How we knew your name?

- Or how we knew where you lived?

- Yeah.

- Can you keep a secret, Jessica?

We're vampires.

We have the ability to
read people's minds.

(eerie music)

- Oh cool your tits, we're
just messing with you.

We found your wallet a few streets back

from where we first met you.

- Dammit, April.

- Well she looked like she
was gonna piss her pants

and judging by the look of this place,

I don't think she could afford a new bed,

let alone the supplies to clean this one.

- You guys are fuss.

I knew you weren't serious.

- You so did.

So can we trust you
with our little secret?

- Like that you're a shitty prankster?

Yeah, I mean

who the fuck am I gonna tell?

I don't have any friends, so.

- So what about those
girls from earlier tonight?

- Val and her lackey whore?

Hi, I'm Val.

I only take it in the ass

because taking it in my virgin pussy

would be a sin against God and my country.

Go Spartans!

(laughing)

No.

- Hey, Jessicunt.

Your momma dropped you off at a park

and she got a fine for littering!

Jessicunt, you are so ugly,

it looks like your face caught on fire

and somebody tried to
put it out with a fork!

The only positive thing about you

is your HIV status.

Jessica, you're so greasy
that you single-handedly

increased oil production

and lowered gas prices!

- We'll help you get revenge

on those fucking little twats.

- Really, you'd do that?

- [April] You bet, babe.

- Why?

- Because, we're friends.

(ominous music)

(bell tolling)

(dog barking in distance)

(man and woman chuckling)

(people chattering in distance)

(sniffing)

- They've been here.

(eerie chord sounding)

I'm looking for a group of vampiresses.

- A group of what?

- A group of vampiresses.

- Yeah man I still don't
know what you said.

I don't know if it's
the accent or something.

- Vampires, blood sucky, Nosferatu.

- You mean like Draculas and shit?

- Yes, like Dracula.

- Man I ain't no motherfucking Dracula.

Hey, any of y'all
motherfuckers are Dracula?

- No!
- Fuck you!

- Yeah man, there ain't no Draculas here.

- They've been here, I know they have.

And they may return so you've been warned.

- Motherfucker needs Jesus.

- (scoffing) Motherfucker needs Jesus.

- I don't need your Jesus.

Jesus cannot stop horrors that I've seen.

What I need to do is
stop a reign of terror.

Stop rain of bloodshed that's been spread

across world for centuries.

And I need to stop them
before it's too late.

- Man, you need a doctor.

- This is not joke.

These women will seduce you.

- [Woman] Okay, okay.

- They will take you home and get you

more intoxicated than you've
ever been in entire life.

- All right, yeah, I'm feeling it.

- They will pleasure you in ways

you've never been pleasured before.

Then when you least expect it,

that's when they suck and drain you.

- Sign me up!

- Of your blood!

Leave your lifeless corpse
like your friend here.

(ominous music)

- Goddamn!

Jesus!

I mean he ain't my friend or nothing.

I don't even know the
motherfucker, but, goddamn!

- Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have some Draculas to hunt.

- I still think that
motherfucker need Jesus.

- [Woman] Yeah. (chuckling)

(electronic dance music)

- [Val] Gosh, Tori, can
you chew any louder?

- Sorry, Val.

- It's not your fault.

You just weren't brought
up with the manners I was.

No worries, girl.

Farrah, your hair is gonna look so divvy

when I'm done with you.

- You think so?

- I know so, look who's doing it.

When I'm done, you're gonna be

the second most prettiest
girl in the whole school.

- I told you you'd
never be hotter than me.

- I meant me.

You don't get a guy like Mike Bowlby

without being the most attractive
girl in school, come on.

- So have you?

- Have I what?

- [Tori] You know what I'm talking about.

- I'm sorry, Tori, but I'm a lady.

And ladies do not discuss such things.

- What's the point of being best friends

with a girl dating Mike
"The Marvel" Bowlby

without hearing about
his sweet, juicy cock?

- (scoff) Have a little couth.

- Blah, let's play truth or dare.

- What are we, in fourth grade?

- If we're judging by Farrah's
tits, then yeah we are.

- If it'll please Tori, then
we'll play her little game.

Then will you cut your attitude?

- Yes.

- Fine.

- Val, truth or dare.

- I'm not going first.

- [Tori] Fine, Farrah, truth or dare.

- Oh, jeez, I don't know.

Truth?

- Do you ever masturbate?

(crunching)

- Oh barf, really?

- You have to answer.

And if you lie, you go to hell

'cause that's where liars go, right Val?

- That's right.

It's in the bible.

- I don't wanna play.

- [Val] You can't back out now.

The question's been asked.

There's no turning back.

- Mmm, once.

(laughing)

- To who and with what?

- No, that's it.

I already answered the question.

It's your turn now, truth or dare, Tori.

- [Tori] Dare.

- I can't believe we're
gonna do this. (chuckling)

- Are you guys ready?

(rock music)

♪ We are the wolf ♪

♪ We are the wolves ♪

♪ We love the moon and we hate the sun ♪

♪ And when you're flinging the light ♪

♪ We want your worst ♪

♪ Because we are the wolf ♪

♪ We want your worst ♪

♪ Because we are the wolves ♪

- Val is gonna be so pissed.

- I just wish we could be here

to see her smug face in the morning.

(thunder rumbling)

(rain pattering)

(gasping)

Goddamit!

Now what?

- [Stacy] Plan B?

- [Girls] Plan B.

- What's plan B?

- [Farrah] I dare you to kiss me.

- Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

(doorbell dinging)

- [Val] Daddy?

- Goddammit, Val.

How many times have I asked you

not to leave things in the hallway?

I tripped and almost broke my neck!

(slamming)

- Oh god, your dad's such a perv.

- He's gross.

(laughing)

- It's almost one o'clock in the morning.

Just as things were getting good.

God damn son of a--

(thunder rumbling)

- Hi, is Val home?

- She's home.

But don't you think it's a little late

to be ringing someone's doorbell?

- Look, we really don't
mean to bother you.

We were supposed to be
here for the sleepover

but wouldn't you know it,

all of our phone batteries died.

We just didn't wanna let Val down.

She was so looking forward
to host us tonight.

- Val didn't say anything
to me about having

any more guests for her slumber party.

- She must have forgot.

You know how silly and forgetful

teenage girls can be.

Just look, seems like
I forgot to wear a bra.

(giggling)

Well you can't just leave us standing

out here in the rain, I mean.

We're getting so wet.

Why don't you just invite us in?

No, say it.

Invite us in.

- Please, come on in.

(light music)

- Okay, that's enough.

That was just skeevy.

- She dared me to do it,

what was I gonna do?

- I was just trying to think of a dare

that Tori wouldn't do.

Just like I didn't wanna do the truth.

- Oh you loved it.

You loved every wet sloppy minute of it.

- No I didn't.

It taste like ass pie!

(laughing)

- Okay Val, it's your turn.

- Fine, ask me a stupid question.

- Truth or dare?

- Truth.

- Have you had any sexual relations

with your bae, the one,

- The only,

- Mr. Mike,

- [Farrah] "The Marvel"

- [Tori] Bowlby.

- [Val] I'm not answering that.

- You have to.

- Remember?

You have to answer.

If you lie, you'll go to hell.

It's in the bible.

- Guys, really?

This is just getting out of hand.

Let's just watch The Notebook.

- Let's fucking do this!

- I wanna hear this, this is a good truth.

- Have I had sex yet?

No.

- Bullshit.

- I'm with Tori.

A guy like Bowlby's not
gonna keep a girl around

without getting some.

We've all heard the stories.

- I give him what he needs, trust me.

- I believe the right answer

is you give him butt sex.

- Everyone says you gave
him your ass virginity.

- Well I wasn't gonna
give him my holy grail.

You think God wants me to just let any man

shove it in my holiest of holes?

No, I'm saving that for the man

that puts the ring on my finger.

- But until then, butt sex!

(laughing)

Okay, I have to piss.

- Okay.

Now.

- [Val] Tori, we'll be quiet.

We don't want my dad to come back up here.

- Okay, don't get all butthurt about it.

(laughing)

- Now that Tori's gone
I can have some chips.

- OMG.

Me and Michael are the
cutest couple in the school.

I look at pictures of us together

and I get jealous of the
picture and I remember,

oh, that's just me.

And after high school
we're gonna get married.

And then he can quit
that stupid pizza boy job

and work on his rapping
career while I stay home

and design handbags and pop out

the cutest fucking babies

and they're gonna be superstars

like our dog Sebastian.

He's gonna be a cute and fluffy

energetic Pomeranian puppy.

And then he's gonna be
an internet sensation

and we're gonna have a reality show,

and then my modeling career
will take off from there.

- What's happening?

- Exactly what you wanted, Jessica.

- It's gonna be so perfect.

(camera clicking)

I can't wait to get out of this house

and on with my life.

(camera clicking)

Life's so much easier after high school.

(camera clicking)

Oh, and the wedding.

The wedding's gonna be perfect.

What do you think about
peacock cascading flowers?

Farrah?

(camera clicking)
- Whazzap, bitch?

Don't you worry, sweety.

You'll be with her soon

in whatever hell it is
that you pieces of shit

Kardashian worshiping, self-centered

weak ass bullies are yourselves to rot!

- Come on Jessica, kill her.

- Kill her, bash her fucking skull in!

- Come on bitch, let's do it!

- Here.

Use this, crack her
fucking cranium wide open.

Shower in her blood, taste your revenge.

- This is plan B?

This isn't what I wanted.

- This is what you asked for, Jessica.

This is what you wanted.

- I swear your dad was
listening to me piss.

Were you guys about to kill Val?

- Maybe?

- Don't let me stop you.

Please, continue.

Shit, I hate this bitch.

This is so cool.

- Ow, no fair!

- Really Tori, you're
gonna do me like that?

- You bet your non virgin ass I am.

No one even likes you.

Everyone talks about you behind your back.

Just ask Jessica.

- I never said anything
about you behind your back.

- Pff, then you're the only one.

- Can we please get back
to killing you guys now?

- Oh, and you know how I know you and Mike

do it in the butt?

- How?

- From his beautiful
mouth, after he fucked me.

(gasping)

- What?

- In my pussy!

- [Girls] What?!

- You bitch!

- Well, this is not the
way I saw things going.

- No but this sure is entertaining.

- [Dad] Oh yeah, daddy really likes, mhmm.

(glass shattering)

Jesus Christ.

- Daddy?

(Dad groaning)

(screaming)

I'm sorry, Tori.

- I'm sorry too, Val.

I shouldn't have betrayed you like that.

BFFs?

- BFFs forever.

(groaning)

(rock music)

♪ Well here I am ascending ♪

♪ Surrounded by so many ♪

(crickets chirping)

♪ Nowhere to go ♪

♪ I feel my wounds they're hurting ♪

♪ I know that death is certain oh ♪

♪ I'm leaving my life ♪

♪ Fight ♪

♪ We will fight to the end ♪

♪ Your blood will stain our hands ♪

♪ Fight ♪

♪ We will fight to the end ♪

- It's okay, baby.

Come on, tell me, what's wrong?

- Oh my god, like all that blood.

- Okay listen, we went with your plan

and it didn't work.

- Yeah, my plan.

I wanted to fuck up her car.

Not fucking kill them.

- Okay, you say tomato, I say tomah-to.

Whatever, either way, those bitches

won't be fucking with you anymore.

- You guys changed.

- Well we told you we were vampires.

- I thought you meant you were like

fucking posers that shopped at Hot Top

and could listen to Bauhaus.

- Girl listen, don't worry about it.

I mean everyone gets a little
freaked out their first time.

- What are we gonna do
when they find the bodies?

- Jessica, god, do not worry about it.

We have a way of getting rid

of these type of problems, okay?

It's handled.

We've been doing this for like forever.

- What about me?

- What about you?

- I'm not like you.

I'm not a vampire.

I can't just turn into a bat and fly away

from my problems

like you guys.
- All right,

we do not turn into bats.

- You know what the fuck I mean.

I'm just saying, like I
can't just get up and leave.

- Would you like that luxury?

(crickets chirping)

- Come on, Jessica.

It'll be so much fun.

- Two days ago, I didn't
wanna live at all.

Now you're asking me to live forever?

- I mean come on, it's not that bad.

Once I realized I can live forever,

that's when I truly started to live.

- It's the reason I
turned in the first place.

I don't wanna miss anything.

Shit I still can't believe

I've seen a black President.

Right there almost made it worth it.

Think of all the things you'll get to see

that no one else in your generation

will ever lay eyes on.

- I just wasn't ready to grow up.

Plus we can do whatever we fucking want

whenever we fucking want.

- We can't go to the beach.

- Or watch a sunrise.

- Or walk on hallowed ground.

- Or look in the mirror to
see how beautiful I look.

- Or take a selfie.

(sighing)

Which is the hardest thing about
being a vampire these days,

because everybody in the goddamn world

has a fucking camera on their phone

and wants to take a
picture at every single

fucking turn!
- All right, okay.

All right, she gets it.

God.

I mean as many setbacks there are,

there are a thousand more perks.

- What about my brother?

- We can eat him.

What?

I was just playing.

- So why'd you decide to become

a bloodsucking freak?

- Ah yeah, come on Trish,

you never told us either.

- Yeah.

Spill them beans.

(bluesy rock music)

- Well, I grew up super Catholic.

And not that I minded it.

I had loving parents who loved me

almost as much as they loved their God.

(sighing)

Then one day he decided
to take them away from me

in a horrible accident.

You know, my grandmother told me

that it was all a part
of God's almighty plan.

We prayed to him.

We gave to his fucking church!

God, we lived our life

for that imaginary turd
in the fucking sky,

and for him to rob me like that?

I don't know.

The day I lost my parents,

I lost three people I loved.

Them and him.

I showed him.

- Oh, wow that's so sad.

- Yeah like total bummage.

- I'm sorry, Trish.

- Oh well you know.

I had a few decades to get over it.

- You should really
consider yourself lucky.

The likelihood of meeting a real vampire,

and then the likelihood of
them wanting to change you

into one of them?

This is gonna be the best
experience of your life.

- Okay.

- What?

- Okay, you're sure now?

- I've never been more sure
of anything in my life.

Let's do it.

I wanna get away from this place.

- You are not gonna regret this.

- Ah, I'm so excited for you!

(crickets chirping)

- Ow.

(groaning)

- Boy, tell me.

What it is you have seen in there?

- Why don't you get the
fuck off me, you old perv?

I ain't telling you shit.

- This is a matter of lifes or deaths.

- Get your hands off the boy.

- Please, this is no concern of you ,sir.

- You got your hands on my boy

is no concern of mine?

- Oh daddy, daddy, please,

he touched me in my no no place.

- What?

- My penis.

- Your penis?

You son of a,

son of a bitch!
(Stink laughing)

- [Boris] Not the face!

(bashing)

Oh, my face.
(thunder rumbling)

- Vampire one and vampire all,

make Jessica what she wishes to be.

Make her a vampire.

She shall give others a fright.

King of Hades, make me
make Jessica a vampire.

Tonight she shall become a vampire.

She shall harm others for their blood.

- She shall have an
uncontrollable thirst for blood.

- She shall want blood
every moment of every day.

- She shall kill for blood.

- Make her a vampire.

So we said it,

so it shall be done.

♪ Yama yama yama yama ♪

♪ Yama yama yama yama ♪

- Is all of this really necessary?

- No, but it's fun.

- This is like your sweet 16, your wedding

and your funeral all combined.

Just enjoy it.

- Fuck, we know someone who was turned

in a Burger King bathroom.

- Okay guys, let's get serious.

Okay.

As it was with Celine and Ambrosia,

when Artemis allowed him
to drink of her blood,

so it has ever been since.

The ritual began and he
shall consume her blood.

As she lays bleeding, her
pulse moves inside of him

and they become one.

And then she must drink
from their joined blood,

the first bite as vampire.

The last is human.

(thunder rumbling)

(groaning voices)

(laughing)

(shrieking)

(kids giggling)

(gasping)

- Chill, baby chill.

- We're here, we're here, you're okay.

It's okay.

- What the hell happened?

I don't feel right.

- Just relax, freaking
out is not gonna help.

- You're one of us.

♪ One of us ♪

♪ Gooble gobble, one of us ♪

- Wait, wait, what?

- You're a, how did you put it?

- A bloodsucking freak.

- [Jessica] How could
you guys do this to me?

- You wanted it.

- No, you guys knew I was drunk

and you took advantage of me.

(giggling)

Please tell me this is all a bad dream.

- It's never a bad dream, Jessica.

- Holy shit.

Val's house?

I'm gonna be sick.

I'm gonna be sick.

- Hmmm.

- Aw, poor baby.

(slamming)

(retching)

- Damn girl, you ever hear of knockin?

Sounds like somebody had a rough night.

If you're anything like
your fucking mother

I bet you like to party hard.

(toilet flushing)

You like to party hard, little girl?

(retching)

Once you done puking, I got something

for that pretty little
mouth of yours, all right?

- [Lucy] Leave her alone.

- I was only gonna hold her hair back

so she didn't get any vomit in it.

- I bet.

Get outta here.

Get the hell off me.

- [Man] You know you love me, baby.

See you bitches later.

- Rough night?

- [Jessica] What do you care?

- Well I care because

your brother's been crying all day long,

you haven't done anything to stop it.

It's eight p.m., your brother
hasn't eaten anything all day!

- Why didn't you get your fat ass in there

and do something?

- Jessica, you know I've been working.

- When aren't you working?

- You watch your goddamn mouth!

I am sick of having this
conversation with you.

Now clean yourself up, go out there

and feed your fucking brother!

I got shit to do.

(tense electronic music)

- What are you guys doing?!

(mumbling)

What the fuck are you guys doing?

- Breakfast!

- Most important meal of the day!

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- We had a long night and we're hungry.

What, you want first bite?

- No, I don't want any of him.

I don't want any of this.

- More for us.

- No, shit, you have to eat, Jessica.

- He's still drunk too.

We're gonna get a good buzz off him.

- There's no more meals for
you, Jessica, just blood.

- No.

I don't want this.

I want out of this.

- There's no backing out now.

- Why are we whispering?

- I don't know but I love it!

(laughing)

(knocking)

- [Lucy] Jessie, I'm out of here.

I put dinner in the microwave.

(mumbling)

Are you okay?

- I'm fine, Mom.

- [Lucy] Fine, bitch, see you later.

Make sure you feed your brother!

(tense music)

- You're gonna have to eat,
Jessica, you'll have to.

- I'll never be like you.

Never!

- You wanna fuck with me?

Bitch, you fucking bitch.

Wanna play games?

I'll play games.

Your slut mother's not gonna help you now.

(snarling)

(screaming)

(thudding)

- Jessica?

- Holy shit.

That was awesome! (laughing)

- So your mom, she's always bringing guys

home like that?

- She's a whore.

- This is so perfect.

- We'll never have to leave the house

for a meal again.

- It's like ordering takeout.

- What do we do with the
bodies, though, like,

we don't have much more
room in the closet.

- We have a way of getting
rid of problems like this.

(raspy exhaling)

(buzzing)

- Bitches.

- Bitch.

(siren sounding in distance)

- Hey girl,

what you doing?
- Hey baby.

- [Quan] OMG, what are
you girls doing here?

- Well we came to talk business.

- Well hey y'all come on up to Quan's

and talk some business.

Now I hope you bitches ain't thirsty

'cause I ain't got no blood.

So what business y'all
got to talk to Quan about?

- Well can we talk with,

- Her?

Yall know the bitch is
a fucking crack baby

so the brain ain't all there, hello.

(whistling)

(clicking)

- I'm not deaf, bitch.

- You damn right you ain't.

But if you talk out of turn again,

I'ma go upside your fucking
head with this brush

like (honking).

(sighing) So what bring
y'all twats here anyway?

- We got a job for you, a big one.

- Bigger than that mess of a job

I had last night?

Look, let me tell y'all something.

What y'all do to them
little white girls is just

fucking beautiful, okay?

(laughing)

- All right, well this one's gonna consist

of getting rid of some bodies

and some motorcycles.

- Well shit, that ain't no damn problem.

What you bitches come all
the way down here for anyway?

You could have did all
this with a phone call.

What if one of these
nosy bummy ass neighbors

would have saw y'all coming up in here?

Purple is not for you, bitch,

not that shade.

- We wanted to introduce
you to our newest member.

(gasping)

- Hi, it's nice to meet you.

- Oh hell no!

Hell to the no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, hell, no bitches!

Uh-uh, no!

Fuck no, are you fucking sick?

Tell me you're not serious right now.

Shenanigans, hos.

I don't believe this shit, no.

- What, did I do something wrong?

- Ooh, I swear for God
bitch, you better, mmm.

Bitches, how fucking
long I've been waiting

for y'all to make me a full-fledged

motherfucking vampire, bitch, huh?

But then y'all just gonna
add this little white bitch

into the fucking group, right?

And now.

I mean how long?

How long have I been your fucking,

your fucking,

- Slave?

- You better watch your
motherfucking mouth, bitch.

- I didn't mean like the black way.

I meant you know,

- I said watch it.

I been yours motherfucking ghoul

going on a nice minute now.

And all I keep hearing from you bitches is

oh Quan, you would be so
great in our fucking group.

Oh Quan, you are the
baddest, most beautiful bitch

we have seen in--

- No, no, no, we've never said that.

We've never said that!
- Well, bitch,

you ought to say that shit,

all the shit that I fucking do

for you hos.
- Oh god, all right.

- And now?

Now it just (sobbing)

I fucking hate you bitches.

- So are you gonna help us or not?

- I don't know.

We got a deal, bitch.

- [Woman] I peed.

- Now see, here you go.

You wanna fuck up a perfectly
good motherfucking moment

with that bullshit.

See, I swear to god I don't even know

why the good lord give
everybody genitalia.

(rock music)

(laughing)

- Rrrr!

♪ Temptation so strong ♪

♪ Feel I'm gonna give ♪

♪ Lucky holding on ♪

♪ We wanna live ♪

♪ Spawn takes on from hell ♪

(snorting)

♪ Well I get so discouraged ♪

♪ Don't know what to do ♪

♪ I wanna be ♪

♪ Seventh heaven ♪

♪ Take me with you ♪

♪ Take me there tonight ♪

♪ I wanna be ♪

(revving)

♪ Seventh heaven ♪

♪ You are all I need ♪

(humming)

(chuckling)

- Do you believe in God?

- If it's gonna get me laid,

I believe in God, Buddha, Ishtar, whoever.

- I believe in God.

I believe he died for our sins.

Died so we could live better lives.

Do you pray?

- I'm praying those
clothes come off faster.

- No, I'm being serious.

I just get so turned on by a man

who has a strong spiritual faith.

I mean I can't think of a
more excellent object for love

other than Jesus!

- Well, I can think of one.

- Do you know the Lord's Prayer?

(slurping)

- Our father

who art in heaven.

Hallowed be thy name.

(snoring)

None of your goddamn fucking sermon

every time I want a fucking blowjob.

Passes out before I can even bust my load.

- [Trish] There's nothing
worse than blue balls.

♪ Cruising for action ♪

(rock music)

- Maybe me and my friends
could help you out

with your little problem.

♪ Cruising for action ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

(crashing)

- Oh man, yeah.

I guess this prayer
shit's finally paying off.

(screaming)

Oh, you're sucking my blood!

You're supposed to be sucking my wang!

(energetic rock music)

♪ We've always been a savage monster ♪

♪ Ripping through the night ♪

♪ And we've always wanted so much more ♪

♪ Than all the merry lies ♪

♪ Inside our heart the blood is strong ♪

♪ As the sun goes down ♪

♪ The demons dance inside our vein ♪

♪ And life goes on and on ♪

♪ With every passing
hour we commit to sin ♪

♪ We've lost the cause of evil ♪

♪ And commit to sin ♪

♪ We're devils on our side ♪

♪ We keep on flying high ♪

♪ In the dead of night we commit to sin ♪

♪ We commit to sin ♪

(clacking)

(light rock music)

- (chuckling) Who's ready to party?

- Blanks, you're back!

- This party sucks.

- You suck.

Get the fuck out of there.

- What the heck, brother?

- Great to be back, brother.

This isn't quite the
homecoming I was expecting.

Where the hell is everybody?

- I don't know, man.

Noone's been around.

- You don't know anything about this?

- No, I mean, over the past few weeks

the crew just kind of thinned out

till there's nobody.

- I'm up at a house of
bars for three months

and I come home to this?

What, there's another
fucking crew or something?

- Look, we've been doing,

we're hanging out, drinking,

guys going home with Lucy, same old shit.

- Lucy, what do you know about this?

- I don't know shit!

Yeah I take 'em home, I do what I do,

and after they leave, it
ain't my fucking problem!

- Not your fucking problem?!

My whole fucking crew's gone!

And you don't think
that's a fucking problem?

- Sorry Lucy, but it does seem that

whoever you take home,
they haven't come back.

I mean, you took home
Scrambles a week ago.

That dude's been here every
single night since '94.

And since he left with you that night

I have not seen him since.

- Maybe the old kook
couldn't handle my pussy

and he died on the way home!

(slapping)

Ow!

Fuck, Blanks, I don't
know what's going on.

Dammit, Blanks, you know me.

I mean what do you think
I could have done to them?

- I don't know, but it seems
a little fucking suspicious,

don't you think?!

Now tell me where they are!

I'm giving you the count of three.

- Blanks.

- [Blanks] One.

- [Lucy] You know I wouldn't
do anything to hurt this crew.

Don't you know that?

They're my fucking income for fuck's sake.

- Two.

- Blanks, please.

Are you fucking kidding me Blanks?

Please, I don't know anything.

- Wait, Blanks, Blanks,
she don't know, man.

- Shut up, shut the fuck up!

Lucy, you think I'm supposed to believe

that these fucks go home with you

and never come back,

and you don't know anything?!

We're at three, Lucy.

I'm sorry.

- (speaks in foreign
language) Stop this now.

This woman is unknowings accomplice

to this dreadful happenings.

- Who the fuck are you?!

- Please, allow me to explain myself.

My name is Boris Von Yelsing.

I am the great, great, great,

great, great, great, great, great, great,

great grandnephew of
Professor Abraham Von Yelsing.

- [Blanks] Who?

- My apologies.

Perhaps my dialect is getting in the way

of you understanding words from my mouth.

I am great descendant

of Professor Abraham Von Yelsing,

the famous vampire hunter.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- Vampire.

Your friends have been
taken down one by one

by a group of teenage vampiresses.

- Bullshit!

- This is not the bullshit.

I only speak of the truth.

The woman has been blindly
leading them to their deaths.

(speaks in foreign language)

One by one.

- I swear, I don't know what the fuck

he's even talking about!

- In your home are four vampires

feeding off the blood
of bikers you take home.

After you finish with copulation,

they swoop in with their
girlish lolita charms,

they have their ways with them,

then they kill them.

- Now how the fuck do you know all this?

- I have been following
these bitches for years.

I know their patterns, routines, children.

- Let me get this straight.

You've seen all this shit happen

and you didn't do a
fucking thing about it?!

You're just as fucking guilty as she is!

- Please sir, you do not understand.

These are not just teenage girls.

They may look fragile and
innocent, but they're not.

They're more powerful
than you will ever know.

You must be prepared when doing battle

with such entities.

Her daughter has given them reign of power

over their home.

- Jessica?

- We cannot touch them.

We must get them out of there

then we can take them down.

- Yeah.

Get over to Lucy's.

Let me know what the
fuck's going on over there.

- We're supposed to go to Cracker Barrel!

- You're not supposed to do anything

but what I fucking say!

He's going to Lucy's,

and you're sitting down

and shut the fuck up!

(light music)

- What are you doing?

- Kegels.

Come see me in 500 years

and tell me how tight your pussy is

without doing Kegels.

- Where the hell is your mother?

I'm fucking starving.

- Have you guys ever fucked anyone famous?

- April gave Colonel Sanders a handjob.

- I loved that man.

- Just 'cause she got tummy.

- Tummy and she ain't yummy.

(bike revving)

- Ooh, they're here, they're here!

- All right piggy, calm down. (snorting)

- I hope this one's on some good drugs.

- Mmm-mmm, this dude's alone.

- Shit!

They're fucking onto us.

- Chill, we're good.

It's just one dude.

As far as he knows,
we're having a sleepover.

- Right.

Sleepover mode, everyone!

- Oh boy, a sleepover!

(ominous music)

(crickets chirping)

(tense music)

- Ain't no vampires in there.

Just a bunch of little girls
doing little girl things.

Ain't nothing to be afraid of.

(snorting)

You're gonna go in there,

see nothing's going on,

return to the bar, and get wasted.

You've looked men in the eyes

and watched them die.

Now you're afraid of a
bunch of fucking prostatots?

(puffing)

(girls giggling in distance)

(light music)

(girls giggling)

- Hi.

- You scared us.

- We didn't see you standing there.

- Good thing we saw you.

We were just about to get naked

and practice kissing on each other.

- I didn't mean to interrupt you girls.

I'm just here 'cause Jessica's mom told me

to come and check on y'all.

- Oh, we're great.

But we're better now that you're here.

- Really?

That I'm here?

- Yeah, it's so much better
kissing on a real man.

- Especially a big, strong,
hunk of man like you.

- Do you like my tits?

- Or do you like mine better?

- [April] Oh, judge mine too. (giggling)

- Jesus.

(gun firing)

Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

- Oh my god!

What have you done, sir?

- I didn't mean to.

- You shot our friend.

You're a very bad man.

- Someone call someone!

Someone call an ambulance!

Oh fuck it, I'm fucking
fucked, I'm fucked!

Dude, I always fuck up!

Fucking creep Von Yelsing.

- Von Yelsing?

- It's true.

- What are you gonna do about it,

you little faggot?

- [April] Uh-uh sir.

(girls laughing)

- Be merciful to me, oh God.

Please show me your mercy.

Please.

(light rock music)

- (sighing) Where the fuck is he?

- By now he is probably vampires food.

- You think he's dead?

- I'm sorry, I tried to warn him.

- Shut up.

Shut the fuck up with this shit.

I've seen him take on three,

fucking 10 cops at a time.

You think a couple little girls

and their itty bitty titty
committee can ruin him?

Come on, man.

Fuck off it.

- What?

Are you afraid of the truth?

Are you afraid of what they really are?

Are you afraid of what--
- I'll put one

bullet in your fucking head!

Don't think I won't.

- It's fine, do so, please.

This will not help you
with your problem at hand.

Your friends will all still be dead

and you will still be next.

- Oh no, not my Jessica.

That is not how I raised her.

- Not to be judge on your
skills of parenting, but

your Jessica is no longer
girl you thought she was.

She's under new influence,

influence that does not live by our law.

(ominous music)

(breathing heavily)

(phone ringing)
(gasping)

(screaming)

(crunching)
(girls giggling)

(busy tone)

(tense music)

This will not be easy greasy.

It will be difficult.

But we'll take them down together.

- We?

There is no we.

We are not doing anything together.

I will get a crew.

I will call all the fucking bike clubs

in the tri-state area

and then we will deal with
these little vampire whores.

You will go the fuck away.

As far the fuck away from me

as you possibly fucking can.

- You have no idea what
you're dealing with.

- They have no idea who the fuck

they're dealing with!

Nobody fucks with Blanks and gets the fuck

away with it!

I want every fucking bike club

within a 200 mile fucking radius here.

I want every fucking goober,

every fucking punker,

any fucking body that's
willing to fucking fight

for our fallen brothers,

and I want them here fucking now!

(door slamming)

- I'm still gonna need a ride home!

- Jessica!

Jessica, where are you Jessica!

Come here, come here!

Come here, what have you done!?

What have you done, Jessica?!

We have to pray.
- What?

- We have got to pray together.

God, help me to see the greatness in her!

Help me!

Help me to love her the way you do please!

- What is going on?

- God, help me to let go of all the anger

I feel towards her right now!

Please!

I use the name of Jesus.

In the mighty--
- You are drunk.

You need to stop.

(ominous music)

- Kill her Jessica, kill her.

- End this misery.

- She's nothing to you, Jessica.

She's nothing but a fucking whore.

What has she done for you?

Kissing her with that
mouth she sucks cock with.

She hides behind her false god.

What has she or her god ever done for you?

What have they done for you, Jessica?

- They have punished me
when I was being arrogant.

That's what my enemies do.

They have tried to hurt me

over and over again when
I've really done nothing.

I only wanted help.

(solemn music)

(sighing)

- Guys, I don't know what she was on

but I am fucked up.

- Yeah I'm feeling it too.

How you doing over there, Jessica?

- God, I'm so proud of you.

Like I honestly didn't
think you had it in you.

I didn't think you would
actually kill that bitch.

You know this vampire thing,

it looks great on you.

- Yeah, like totally fab.

- Aw, this was such a
great night, you guys.

- Jessica?

- Hey.

Hey, we're talking to you.

- Get off of me.

- What is your damage, Jessica?

- My damage?

- You fucking heard me.

- My damage is, I just
fucking killed my mother.

- Okay, can you like get over it?

It was so five minutes ago.

- Get over it?

Said the bitch who became a vampire

'cause she couldn't deal with her own

fucking parents dying.
- And you shut

your fucking mouth about
my parents, all right?

And don't you dare compare them

to that fuckingholic.

- Wipe my mother's blood from your face.

- Why, Jessica?

Does seeing it make you even more sad?

- No, bitch.

It's because the next time
I see blood on your face

I wanna make sure it's your own.

- You're just like your fucking mother.

- Hey, cut it out, you guys.

I mean, hey, there's
enough we have to fight

in this life and each other
shouldn't be one of them.

I mean, we're BFFs, for fuck's sake.

Don't those four letters
mean anything to you guys?

- How about these four letters?

GTFO!

- Jessica.

- Get out!

Get the fuck out of my house!

Get out right now!

Get the fuck out!

I hate you!

I never want to see you again!

Get the fuck out of my house!

Go!

- All right, Christ.

Fuck, please.

- Are you sure?

- [Jessica] Leave!

- Okay, cool it, we get it.

You want us to leave.

- Well, catch you on the flip.

- Don't make any rash decisions either.

We'll be back.

- Ugh!

(banging)

(eerie music)

- What is to be done?

(light guitar music)

It must be done.

- You want some?

(speaks in foreign language)

- But please, indulge
yourself in the cheap booze.

There's more where it comes from.

- So how do you wanna do this?

- I want you to dance for me.

- Honey, I don't get paid to dance.

- I have the moneys.

If you want this moneys that I have

then you dance.

- Okay.

(rock music)

Did I get you hard?

Come on, big boy.

Take me.

I want you inside me.

(slurping)

(grunting)

(speaks in foreign language)

- I'm sorry.

- Why, did you come?

(speaks in foreign language)

- Well what are you sorry for then?

- For this.

(snarling)

(woman whimpering)

(lightly tense music)

- I know this was your favorite song.

(light guitar music)

(sizzling)
♪ I hear this in your day ♪

♪ Your person leave this morn ♪

♪ Child of weakness, waters in ♪

(birds chirping)

- [Woman] Hot, Jessica.

- [Whispering Voice] Jessica.

- [Woman] Hey Jessica.

(man screaming)

- [Lucy] Jessica!

Jessica what have you done?!

- [Whispering Voice] Jessica.

(birds chirping)

(chaotic music)

- [Woman] Jessica.

(giggling)

- [Trish] Jessica.

Jessica.

- Christ, I'm out, I'm out!

- Jesus fucking Christ, Jess,

what the hell are you thinking?

- You should have left me there to die.

- I can't believe this.

This means that you're,

- I'm a vampire, Stink.

I was about to fix that little problem

before you came along and fucked it up.

- This is,

- Fucked?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Can you just leave now?

- No, Jess, I'm sorry.

I'm staying here and I'm gonna help you.

- How in the world can you help me, Stink?

Is that a VCR tape?

- VHS tape.

VHS tape that has the
answer to all your problems.

(eerie music)

- I'm sorry I have to do this but I must.

- Please don't.

- I'm gonna have to stake you in the pussy

(gasping)

with my cock.

(moaning)

(sultry music)

(woman moaning)

- Is this a porno?

- Yeah, but it's about vampires.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- No, no, no, no, no.

I know it seems like a long shot but

I really think this
could help us out here.

(moaning)

(grunting)

- Oh my God, Stink.

- Wait, this isn't the
part I want you to see.

That part's coming up.

- [Jessica] Fucking fast forward it then.

(whirring)

(woman moaning)

- Come on my face.

- Oh, he's not even circumcised.

- [Man] Right, now come.

(groaning)

- It burns, it burns!

Oh, it burns!

- That's because I had my balls

blessed by a priest.

- No.

No way.

I am not letting you jizz on my face.

Where would you find a priest
to bless your balls anyway?

- Actually--

- You know what, don't
answer that, shut up.

- Holy jizz?

Oh, my only weakness!

I'm dying!

I'm dying!

All my precious children will
be turning back to human.

Oh.

How did you know I was the head vampire?

- I figured it out when
you were giving me head.

(groaning)

Now all my friends that
you turned into vampires

will be turning back into humans.

- How in the world did that help me?

- Well didn't you just pay any attention?

It just said that if you
kill the head vampire

that changed you,

it'll return you back to normal.

- Is that true?

- It's gotta be, it was just in the movie.

- Just 'cause it's in a porno

doesn't make it true.

- Well, true it is.

Allow me to explain myself.

My name is Boris Von Yelsing.

I'm the great, great, great,

great, great, great, great,

great, great, great,

great grand nephew of
Professor Abraham Von Yelsing.

- Yo, that's like 17 greats, bro.

- Yes.

I too am looking for your
bloodsucking friends.

I have been chasing them for years.

I will help you with the killings of them

to help returning you to normalish, yes?

- Yo.

We don't need no help from you, bro.

- I can show you how to use powers.

What you feel is curse is blessing,

blessing that with trainings of me,

will help you to destroy those

who wish to oppress you.

(crunching)

- How do we know you're for real?

- Hello?

Don't forget about Quan!

(gasping)

Oh hell no!

I did not sign up for this
shit right here, okay?

Bitch, I'm here to
remove bodies and bikes,

not get motherfucking knives thrown at me!

- Please.

Allow me to tell you the story

of how I became vampire hunter.

The first vampire hunter I ever met

was my best friend Gregory.

And he taught me everythings I know.

(razor scraping)

How to seek out vampires,
how to smell them.

How to fight them.

We took night train to Moscow

to go see gypsy singers
at your restaurant.

On the way there, I see gypsy
singers inside of train.

But they are not gypsies.

They are vampiresses.

(thunder rumbling)

(speaks in foreign language)

Butterflies of the night.

Patricia.

So Gregory goes after Trish.

And I take other two,
spaghettis and meatballs.

That is when I see it.

Patricia tears Gregory's
head straight off.

It was saddest moment of my life.

Spaghettis and meatballs get on top of me.

Patricia turns me into vampire.

So you must never be at disadvantage.

So I shave head.

Because bitches like pull hair, you know?

Now we must get to work.

It's time for war.

(inspiring rock music)

(clapping)

- We did it!

I'm so excited!

We did it!
- We do high five.

- Yes!

- What, no freeze frame?

- This full of shit.

They put a hole in my good goddamn jacket.

Granddaddy gave me this damn jacket.

(phone ringing)

(sighing) Palpitations, god.

The goddamn check's in the mail.

- This isn't the goddamn bill collector.

It's April!

- You know what?

I'm not listening to you no more, bitch.

I've been breaking my back all these years

being your motherfucking ghoul

and for what, bitch?
- Calm down.

Quan, you know we got you,
- For what, for the promise

that one day you gonna make me
- Relax.

- A wolf ass fucking vampire?

Bitch, we both know
that's not gonna happen!

It would have been happened, ho!

Now you owe me double.

Know what, fuck that.

You owe me triple, motherfucker.

'Cause I had to get rid of that biker

and that poor girl mama.
- Yeah.

What if this time

for real, tonight,

we actually turn you into a vampire?

- Y'all gonna make me a vampire

for real this time though, bitch?

- Pinky swear.
- Shit.

And that's a horse of a different color.

- Yeah, no, just meet
us at the old warehouse.

- You know my cousin's
cousin got killed over there

the last month, something like that.

- Yup, that's the one.

- Yeah I'll be down there.

I just gotta do move this
one last biker friend,

just one last thing and
I'll be right there, girl.

All right?

- Right, bye bitch, mwah!

- [Trish] So what now?

- And that's what the
fuck I'm talking about.

Everything is coming up Quan.

Ooh.

A pussy just got wet.

Fuck these bitches think
they smarter than me.

Hey Boris, bitch.

Ooh, I got to tell you something,

you already know.

- [Stink] What's wrong with her?

- She needs to eat.

- She said she doesn't
wanna do it anymore.

- Then we wait for hunger
to become insatiable

and she eats you.

- Are you sure you're a hundred

on that whole not ever
killing another person thing?

'Cause I mean there's gotta be someone

you wouldn't mind draining the life of,

someone that ain't me?

(bell ringing)

(hip hop music)

- I can't believe we lost by one point.

Those fucking AV nerds would have filmed

the last games a little bit better,

we'd have had the upper hand.

- I thought you did really
well on Saturday, Mike.

- Course you did.

You beast!

(laughing)

Fuck you know about football anyway?

How to cook and eat one? (laughing)

(laughing)

- [Val] Jessicunt.

(Italian music)

- Delivery up!

(phone ringing)

- Mmm!

Well, my last meal as a mere mortal.

I guess I should say a
prayer to black Jesus.

Bow, there they is.

I should have put some
sausage in it or something.

(bike revving)

(ominous music)

- Who the fuck's bike is that out there?

(gasping)

- Please, okay, just
don't kill me, all right?

I was just doing what I was told,

I swear to god!

I just get rid of the
bikes, it's all I do!

- We're not gonna kill you.

I just want some information.

Who the fuck do you get rid
of the fucking bikes for

and where the fuck can I find them?

(sobbing)

Take this motherfucker out back

and show him what we're gonna do

to those fucking vampire friends.

(gun firing)

♪ Pay on the G ♪

♪ Pay on the G ♪

♪ Pay ♪

♪ On the G ♪

♪ Pay on the G ♪

♪ Pay on the G ♪

♪ Pay ♪

♪ I am not the right guy ♪
(knocking)

♪ And I am no Einstein ♪

♪ But I can tell you that time is money ♪

♪ And time flies, it flies by ♪

♪ I can barely remember the
highlights of my lifetime ♪

♪ So why cry ♪

♪ Time equals money ♪

♪ 'cause leisure time are money or real ♪

- Do I know you?

- I don't know.

Do you?

Think hard, Mike "The Marvel" Bowlby.

- I don't know, I know a lot of people.

I don't got time for this shit.

You got the 15 bucks for the 'za?

- Za?

Za?

I hate fucking people that call pizza 'za!

As if I needed one more reason

to kill you!
(Mike screaming)

- This was from days when women were real.

Real ladies, nice big bushes.

- [Stink] Oh yeah, you gotta
watch this part coming up here.

It's the best part of the
entire film right here.

All right, so they're
about to do something

called double penetration.

A little DP action going on.

So what happens is those two dicks collide

and it forms a cross.

And then boom, vampire baddy goes out.

- I do not think this is how it works but

I like it.

- [Stink] You know what,
I think she does too.

- [Boris] She look like she does.

- [Stink] I know.

- [Boris] She's having fun.

(ominous music)

(baby crying)

- Fucking kid.

(screaming)

- Shh.

- [Thug] Fuck is this?

What the fuck, man?

This bitch is looney tunes.

She thinks this doll's her brother, man?

- I know, who gives a shit.

Come on, put it in the
basket and let's go.

- [Thug] All right.

(rock music)

(chattering)

(knocking)

(tense music)

- All right, look.

I know we're not all exactly friends here.

We've all had our past.

Well, today is a new day.

We're all here together

and not a single drop of blood's
been spilled on the floor.

This room is filled with
some of the meanest,

dirtiest, baddest ass
motherfucking bike clubs

in the tri-state area.

We've got the Satan's Servicemen,

the Devil's Delinquents,

the Husky Hellraisers,

Satan's Skanks.

(Skanks cheering)

- [Man] Noice!

- The Teardrops, the Hell's Hooligans,

(cans cracking)

and some nuns.

- Yeah I brought the nuns.

I thought they would help us out

with our, you know, situation.

- Why the fuck we here, man?

- What we're dealing with
here is some vampires.

(laughing)

Yeah, okay, I know it's hard to believe

but I wanted you to hear me out.

As you can plainly see,
my club's not here.

- Where are those motherfuckers?

- Those motherfuckers are all dead.

Killed by these fucking vampires.

(laughing)

I got proof.

- That's just a fucking kid!

- No.

Her and all of her little fucking friends

took out my whole fucking crew!

- She don't look that harmful to me.

- Fucking show 'em.

- The fuck did you do to her face, man?

- Show 'em!

Show 'em your true self!
- Hey man,

leave her alone.

This shit ain't funny no more.

(bashing)

- All right, all right,
everybody chill, everybody chill.

I fucking warned you,

you fucking show 'em!

- Or what?

(snapping)

- Aw.

(baby crying)
Hey, little guy.

- No!

- Change!

(snarling)

- Whoah, whoah.

- This little bitch and
her bitch cunt friends

took away my family.

My whole fucking crew.

Tonight we take back their
honor, their respect,

and we let their souls rest in peace.

Are you with me?

- [Everyone] Yeah!

- Let's get these teenage
bloodsucking bimbos!

(rock music)

(revving)

♪ I'm a fighter ♪

♪ They're calling out my name ♪

♪ I'm a writer ♪

♪ Heave on them all the same ♪

♪ They'll never take me alive ♪

♪ Tonight they're calling my name ♪

♪ I'm standing here all alone ♪

♪ Am I to blame ♪

♪ I'm a fighter ♪

- Hello, can I help you?

- Bitch, you know why we're here.

- Is it to teach me a wittle lesson?

You wanna spank me?

You wanna spank my naughty little ass?

- Yeah, I'll teach her a lesson.

(men snickering)

- Chill.

This is her little schtick.

- I don't have a stick.

But maybe you'll let me play with yours.

- Ooh, ooh, me too.

I wanna play with his stick.

- Me too, sirs.

I've been so bad.

I'm in need of a real good tongue lashing.

- These are the whores

that took out your entire club?

They're just horny little girls!

- Do you not retain anything

you've fucking seen earlier?

Stay on guard.

- Oh, oops.

Its looks like I forgot to tie my shoes.

- That's real cute.

I almost forgot something too.

(snapping)

- Jessica?

- Hey girl.

- What did you do to her?

- Same fucking thing I'm gonna do to you!

Avenge my fallen brothers.

- Okay look.

We know we messed up and
we made you pretty upset.

And we're really sorry but you don't have

to worry about anything, okay?

- And why is that?

- Well because, you'll
be joining them soon.

In hell.

(crunching)

- Shit!
- Fuck!

(rock music)

(gun firing)

♪ I seen you checking me out all day ♪

♪ And I think you're quite all right. ♪

(cracking)

♪ So take what I've got ♪

♪ Come have a beer ♪

(cracking)
♪ And let's you and me ♪

♪ get the hell outta here ♪

♪ I got the pedal to the floor ♪

♪ To the floor ♪

(squishing)
(groaning)

- My pussy!

♪ I'll give you what you need ♪

(gun firing)

(bashing)

(cracking)

♪ This night's not what I want ♪

♪ And I want it here ♪
(cracking)

♪ Your bad ideas baby ♪

♪ I took my speed ♪

♪ Tonight's a perfect night ♪

♪ Live out your plan and say ♪

♪ Grab at you by the hand ♪

♪ The night has turned, you and me ♪

♪ I got the pedal to the floor ♪

♪ To the floor ♪

♪ Just leave your clothes at the door ♪

♪ At the door ♪

♪ I'll give you what you need ♪

(bashing)

(squishing)
♪ What you need ♪

♪ I won't go down till
we're all done screaming ♪

(bashing)

(squishing)

(heart thumping)

(thudding)

(crunching)

- Power of Christ!

- [Jessica] Fuck you.

(bashing)

(squishing)

(bashing)

♪ I got the pedal to the floor ♪

♪ To the floor ♪

♪ Just leave your clothes at the door ♪

♪ At the door ♪

♪ I'll give you what you need ♪

♪ What you need ♪
(squishing)

♪ I won't go down till
we're all done screaming ♪

- Jessica!

(thunder rumbling)

So what now?

- Now?

I kill you guys.

- Can't we just make up?

- Yeah, and be like
frenemies or something?

- She wants to be the one that sends.

- I'm gonna hate killing her.

I'm gonna hate killing you, Jessica.

- Ugh, me too.

Out of like all the
girls that we've changed,

you were my favorite.

Do you really think that
you can fucking beat

all three of us all by your--

(solemn music)

- She is not alone.

She's having us.

- Oh, Von Yelsing, you dick.

- Shouldn't you be melting or something?

- [April] Oh shit.

(screaming)

- [Stacy] No!

(bashing)

- It's not too late to
turn back now, Jessica.

(bashing)

You think people hated you before, honey?

(bashing)

I mean what are they gonna say about you

now that you're a
disfigured fucking freak?

(bashing)

You are nothing without us!

You have nothing, Jessica.

You greasy, white trash

slut ass, toe nasty whore!

(squishing)

(somber guitar music)

(speaks in foreign language)

I mean what are you gonna do,

go back to your sad,
- Don't you get any ideas!

- Holy water, bitch.

- [Trish] What, go back to being the butt

of everyone's joke?

(bashing)

- Wildstar!

(tense music)

- [Stacy] No fair!

- Oh, fuck!

(booming)

- That was awesome.

- [Stink] Dog!

- What?

(groaning)

(retching)

(coughing)

(light music)

- You think I could get one of those?

- [Stink] Fuck, it worked!

- Why am I alive?

Why would you do this?

Why did you do this?

What am I gonna do?

Jessica, Jessica, what
am I gonna do? (sobbing)

What am I gonna do,

what am I gonna do now?

What am I gonna do?

- Live.

♪ You are my heart ♪

♪ Teenage ♪

♪ Bloodsucking bimbos ♪

♪ Teenage ♪

♪ Bloodsucking bimbos ♪

♪ Beware their cunning plight ♪

♪ It's an act, they wanna bite ♪

♪ Run fast, don't dare look back ♪

♪ You are under attack ♪

♪ She promised a night of bliss ♪

♪ Can't resist this little miss ♪

♪ At first she gave you a rise ♪

♪ Now there's nothing
between your thighs ♪

♪ In her embrace you will get stuck ♪

♪ 'cause being a teenager sucks ♪

♪ Teenage ♪

♪ Bloodsucking bimbos ♪

♪ Teenage ♪

♪ Bloodsucking bimbos ♪

- [Trish] Do you think you can handle us?

All three of us?

(light electronic rock music)

♪ You are waiting ♪

♪ For something ♪

♪ A poor thing ♪

♪ To rest ♪

♪ I am someone ♪

♪ Not for nothing ♪

♪ Don't throw this ♪

♪ Away ♪

♪ You kill me ♪

♪ You fill me ♪

♪ You don't care ♪

♪ You don't want ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ I'm a problem ♪

♪ What solutions ♪

♪ Doesn't matter ♪

♪ This day ♪

♪ I am someone ♪

♪ Not for nothing ♪

♪ Don't throw this ♪

♪ Away ♪

♪ You kill me ♪

♪ You fill me ♪

♪ You don't care ♪

♪ You don't want ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ Just kill me ♪

♪ You fill me ♪

♪ You don't care ♪

♪ You don't want ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ You'll find her ♪

♪ You'll find her ♪

♪ Right here ♪

♪ With me ♪