Original subtitles

Honey, I'm home.

All right, here comes the grandma train.

Open the tunnel. Choo-choo.

Mm-mm.

It's delicious. Num-num.

You eat it.

You wanna open your mouth,

or you want me to feed you to a pterodactyl?

Ahh.

♪ La la la la la la ♪

Aw, look at the good boy eating his supper.

Was he any trouble, Mom?

No, he was a perfect angel.

More, please.

I met the nicest male in the invertebrate aisle.

He helped me chisel off some frozen squid.

Aw, hello, you little sweet thing.

Grandma giving you a good dinner?

Whoa, the mama, out of nowhere asking all kinds of questions.

And gone. Mama here, mama gone.

Where's mama? Gotta have the mama.

OK.

There.

I ran into the same male in the parking lot.

He helped carry my cart.

I don't know why. I mean, it had wheels.

But still, it was very considerate.

Why shouldn't he be interested? You've got your figure.

Oh, stop. I'm a mother of three.

Hello, family... and Ethyl.

Look, it's your father. Say hello to the loser.

Loser!

Am not!

How was your day, Earl?

Uneventful, which is always good.

Anything new here on the homefront?

Fran made a new friend in the squid aisle.

- Uh-huh. - He helped me with my cart.

That's nice.

"To the male of the house."

I believe that's me.

- Loser. - It's refreshing to meet

a genuinely nice dinosaur once in a while.

Oh, boy.

What is it, Earl?

Oh, uh, it's nothing.

It's funny, but nothing.

I'm chuckling at its complete lack of anything.

Earl, do you want mint jelly with your squid cakes?

Whatever, my sweet.

By the way, uh,

this, this, this fellow you met at the market?

He was a short, delicate,

little wisp of a thing, perhaps?

No, he was quite tall.

But, uh, hunched over and feeble?

No, he must have been at least 50 feet high.

It was hard to tell. There were clouds in front of his face.

Gary, his name was Gary.

Terror has a new name: Gary.

It's nice stationery.

"From the Law Offices of Spikeback,

Ribcrusher and Fenski.

Dear Mr. Sinclair, I'm writing to you

on behalf of my client Gary,

who met your wife at the supermarket

and who would like to take her as his mate.

Under section 4-1-2, article 9,

of the Code of the Wilderness,

he is entitled to do so after a brief struggle

which you have no chance of surviving,

insofar as my client is

nine times your size and undefeated."

Gary will arrive at your house Friday at 6:00

to take possession of your family and home."

Friday. Friday?

Should you need assistance in preparing your will,

we hope you will think of us first."

Gee, that's nice of 'em.

I know they just crawled out of the sludge,

and I hate to criticize other life forms,

but God, I hate lawyers.

What does Fran think about all of this?

After all, she is the female in question.

I haven't told her. I wanted to work out my plan first.

No kidding, you got a plan?

Yeah, it's pretty simple, really.

Gary arrives at 6:00, and I'm dead by 6:03.

Maybe 6:05, if I can hold the bathroom door closed.

Well, pally-boy, just be glad

you're living during the apex of civilization.

You know, in the olden days, a guy like Gary

would have just snuck up behind you

and bit off your pelvis.

Now, you get a nice embossed letter.

Hey, what is this, cotton bond?

Will you forget about the stationery?

I'm about to get dismembered in my own living room.

All right, all right. Strictly speaking,

I'm not qualified to serve as counsel.

However, in cases like this, there is an escape clause.

There is? What is it?

Well, basically, you're entitled to escape from his claws.

The Code of the Wilderness clearly states

that you have the legal right to run away like a scared bunny.

So if I stay, I die in big, embarrassing pieces

but if I flee, I'm cast out as a coward

for the rest of my days.

Hmm.

They both have their advantages.

And the little train learned

that if you try and try and try,

you can do anything.

Not true.

Without fiber in your diet,

you can try till you're blue in the face.

Again! Again! Again!

All right.

This time, we'll read one of my books.

It's called Lust In The Swamp.

Mother, children's stories.

Of course, dear.

Hey, mom, check this out!

"Once upon a time...

Kirk stood poised on the diving board,

his tail glistening in the sun."

Ahh.

A delivery guy just brought this.

Oh, it's from that nice fellow Gary I met at the market.

He says he's coming Friday to crush Earl,

take the house and kids

and make me his loving bride.

That's so romantic.

He sent some of his laundry so I can get a head start. Oh!

I don't get it. What's going on?

Your father's been challenged to a fight to the death.

What?

How does Earl stack up to this guy?

Well, this is his sock.

Congratulations, you're a widow.

But I like Dad.

You're just used to him.

It's not fair I just get handed over to some new guy.

Sweetheart, trust me, you're trading up.

I'm alone in here.

Robbie, would you go look after your brother?

All right, but I'd like to go on record here.

I'm pretty sure killing Dad is wrong.

How can you talk like this?

I love Earl.

I can't imagine living without Earl.

That's sweet.

All right, we've mourned long enough.

What do you say we start cleaning out his closets.

Oh, I can't believe Earl didn't mention this.

He's been carrying this burden all by himself.

Yeah, yeah, he's a saint.

He didn't even blame me.

A lesser male would have, but not my Earl.

You! You flirt with some masta-Don Juan,

in the invertebrate aisle and now I'm gonna die!

Earl, it wasn't like that.

Oh, yes it was.

Ah, there you were,

pushing your cart seductively down the aisle,

swinging that tail for the whole world to see.

"Excuse me, Mr. 90-foot husband killer,

I can't reach the top shelf.

But if you get that can for me,

you can have my whole family!"

Earl, you're being ridiculous.

Hello?

No, Gary's not here yet!

Friday, he'll be here Friday, and then forever.

OK, all right, I'll take a message.

Stan, yeah, uh-huh.

Brunch Sunday. Right, got it.

All right, I'll tell him.

Earl, you didn't have to do that.

I know how mad I get when I don't get my messages.

Hey, what the heck is this?

It's Gary's sock. He thinks I'm gonna do his laundry.

His laundry? He thinks you're gonna do...

His sock?

His foot?

How many of these feet does he have?

Earl, listen to me.

There's only one thing you can do.

You have to go away forever and never come back.

You have to do that because I love you,

and I want you to be safe.

Oh, Fran, it seems so wrong to give up my whole family

on account of one sock.

You're saying you want me to leave town?

If I can't have you here with me,

I want to at least know you're safe.

Fran, part of me is saying, "Hey, this is my house.

I ought to stay and fight."

That's probably the part to get eaten first.

Earl, I can't tell you what to do.

You have to choose what you think is right.

You choose. Pick the one where I don't hear anything snap.

Well, Earl, maybe you can win.

Maybe a guy your size

could beat a rampaging 50-foot dilophosaurus.

Hand me my jammies, Fran.

Oh, Fran, tell me the truth.

Do you like this Gary fellow?

Earl, I love you.

You're the one I want to spend my life with,

you big lizard.

I'm gonna miss you, Fran. I really am.

But I want you to be brave and try to make a life with Gar.

Oh, Earl.

Or you could slowly poison him over the next few years.

Your choice.

Gosh, Lyle, I really like you.

I just wish you had... horns.

Oh, that hurt.

Hi, I'm Spike Sterling,

president of the Horn Club For Males.

And I can give you a full head

of long, luxurious horns

without penetrating your skull.

I did it gradually, and no one even noticed.

- Not only am I... - Robbie?

Hey, Dad.

As you know, I've been challenged.

For reasons too complicated to explain,

I've chosen not to fight.

But Dad, who's gonna play catch with me? Take me fishing?

I don't know. Who does that now?

Nobody, but I was hoping we could start.

Aw, gee, son, I would have liked that.

Aw, and Junior.

When you're all grown up, and I'm just a photo in a frame

will you even remember the special bond we had?

Move over!

Oh, oh, the TV!

- That's daddy's little boy. - Shh.

Wow, who would have thought I'd miss my kids this much?

Oh, oh, and I have another one.

Ah, there's my baby girl.

Still blissfully ignorant of her father's terrible fate.

Charlene, there's something very important I have to tell you

in these, our last precious moments.

Can it wait? Cause I have to ask you a favor.

Oh, anything, my princess.

I've got some friends coming over this afternoon.

I was just wondering, while they're here,

maybe you could not be.

Oh, my little girl's embarrassed by her father.

I remember when I was embarrassed by my father.

And now, the torch has been passed.

My baby's grown up. She's ashamed of me.

So then, you'll leave?

These are the moments a father lives for.

I built this family. I raised you kids.

I didn't actually raise you, but I watched with interest.

I have earned this, it's mine.

I am never gonna leave.

Ok, we'll move the meeting to Mindy's house.

Fran, Robbie, come in here.

Hey, I am not going to miss out on this

or any of your other insulting rites of passage.

What's going on, Earl?

I have decided to stay and fight.

Dad, are you sure? You saw Gary's sock.

Bring on his socks, bring on his shorts, the whole hamper!

Earl Sinclair is fighting for his family.

And let no one underestimate the fury

of a determined megalosaurus

who's not afraid to stand alone.

Here is the way I see it.

If all of us stick together, then none of us has to get hurt.

But none of us are gonna get hurt. Gary's only killing you.

Yeah.

My point is, we gotta get organized

because this could happen to any one of us.

But it didn't.

Yeah, and you're the only one married to Fran.

- Yeah. Let's get lunch. - Guys, guys.

Our buddy Earl is in trouble here.

He needs our help.

So who's gonna be there Friday?

I got a Yahtzee tournament.

I'm getting my teeth drilled.

Next time for sure.

Boy.

Every one of 'em's got plans. Who'd have guessed it?

How about you, Roy?

Hey, you're my pal, pally-boy.

I'd never desert you in your hour of need.

Lookit here, I got you a book.

Oh.

"So You've Been Challenged.

How to Get Ready For a Fight to the Death."

We're gonna get you in such good shape,

Old Gary there's gonna have to think twice

before he kills the next guy.

Eh! Eh! That's my boy.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

This is it.

My final day of life.

The last time I gaze on my alarm clock.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Goodbye, my trusty timekeeper.

And you, lamp.

You brought light where once there was darkness.

Oh! Off, on,

off, on, off, on,

off.

On.

We always understood each other.

Oh, and you, my lint brush!

So much remains unsaid!

- Earl? - Oh, hi, Fran.

I made Clydesdale pancakes. Hurry on down.

Thank you.

Oh, God, 12 hours left.

I've got to experience every moment to the fullest.

I've gotta squeeze the life out of every second I've got left!

What should I wear?

Nah. Nah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, Dad. Dad, Mom's wondering what's taking so long.

Oh, my goodness, the whole day's gone.

Uh, all right. I'll just go with the plaid.

Uh, goodbye, other shirt.

Gary, Daddy.

Daddy, Gary!

Aaah!

No, no, no, no. Gimme.

Nice.

Ahh.

Is your father coming?

No, he's still saying goodbye to his shoetree.

I want you to know I'm never going to call this new guy Dad,

even if he wins me over with gifts,

and cash, and a phone in my room.

Goodbye, banister.

Goodbye, staircase.

I don't want to single any one of you out.

Hello, Earl.

And finally, my beloved family.

"How do I say goodbye to you?"

See ya.

Wait a minute, Dad. You don't have to go alone.

We can fight him together. Boom! Pow!

If you were 40 feet taller, I'd take you up on that.

Now, you kids, close your eyes,

or one day you're gonna require a lot of therapy.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Uh, pardon me. Is this the Sinclair house?

Uh, let's see. Pressure point. Pressure point.

Hey, what are you doing? Cut that out.

Fran, I don't think I'm winning.

Look, I have an appointment with Earl Sinclair.

Well, that used to be me.

Let me introduce you to your new family.

This is your son Robbie.

How's it going?

This is your daughter Charlene.

- Hello. - Your new baby.

Where's the rest of him?

And I believe you know Fran.

You look gorgeous. I can't wait to bite your husband's head off.

Gary, I want you to know something right away.

I love Earl. He's the only male I've ever loved.

No matter what happens here he's the only male I ever will love.

He looks kind of short and dumpy from up here.

- Watch it. - That's my daddy.

Well, from down here, he looks just fine,

which is more than I can say about you,

you insensitive, insecure, arrogant...

Uh, honey, I was hoping to avoid a lingering death.

Who do you think you are, anyway?

The guy who carried your groceries.

Besides, I'm not even interested in you.

So I want you to go away.

Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Can I offer anybody coffee? Gary?

Fran, I just thought...

You thought? You thought nothing.

If you thought at all, you would have realized

that this is my life, my home, my family,

and you have no right to take it away.

Yeah.

Earl, you married this?

19 years.

19 years. You must be made of steel.

She's had a hard day, being widowed and all.

Listen, Fran, Earl, I just had a thought.

Maybe I'm not ready to settle down.

- What? - Huh?

You're not?

All right, all right, I was,

but I was looking for something a little less... horrible.

Hey, hey, that's our wife you're talking about.

She's all yours, Earl.

All right, then maybe you better just step off my porch.

Yeah, and put those pine trees back where you found them!

Easy, honey, I think we won.

Nice meeting you all. Certainly been a pleasure.

You've got a beautiful family here, Earl.

Good look with them.

What a shrew.

We use what we have.

There's this big kid at school who's been bothering me.

Maybe you could come down and teach him a lesson.

Hold on there.

I'm the father and if anybody's gonna go to your school

and beat up a kid, it's gonna be me.

OK. Thanks, dad. Cool.

Still the daddy! Still the daddy! Still the daddy!

Oh, Earl. You were so brave.

Yeah. What moment exactly?

You were willing to open that door and face him.

Yeah, I did do that, didn't I?

I opened it right up and I faced him.

At least the part of him you could see.

Did you notice his ankle was trembling?

No, I didn't,

but I'd be happy to say so in front of the neighbors.

Aw, thanks, Frannie.

You're worth fighting for.

Oh!

Oh.