Original subtitles

[♪ funky guitar music playing]

[Ladi] Sunny's birthday cake should be ready.

I made the order through Itis flights

at the ass-crack of dawn.

You mind running inside and grabbing it?

I'll keep the car running.

Who is it that you keep calling over and over, Tulip?

So, remember that guy Push Broom

that I was crazy about last summer?

After our month-long rendezvous in Paris,

he went completely M.I.A. and stopped responding

to my calls and my texts for no apparent reason.

A little closure would be nice.

Not having closure is closure.

- I don't get it. - Please, go get the cake.

[phone chiming]

- Hello? - I forgot to tell you

the other thing that happened to me.

Yesterday, when I went to buy a burrito,

the burrito guy called me ma'am.

I looked around to see who he was talking to,

and, Ladi, I was the only one standing there.

[sobbing] And this morning,

when I was getting out of bed,

I felt this deep need to stretch,

and, Ladi, I needed to stretch my knees.

I'm on deck.

The upper room is calling your girl home.

Sunny, you're not dying.

You're only turning 28, for cryin' out loud.

I am dying.

Okay, well, die after we eat this cake we're bringing over.

- See you soon. - Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm!

- Hello? - Oh, hello.

Where's the birthday cake, Tulip?

[crunching] Oh! Right, about that.

When I walked in, this psychotic baker

asked me what was wrong, and I told him

about the whole wanting closure thing,

and he offered me a closure cookie.

And it's raisin-less oatmeal raisin flavored.

- Girl, I just couldn't resist. - That doesn't explain

- why you didn't get the cake. - Mm.

Oh, I'm sorry. The sound of my crunching

is making it hard to hear you. Let me stop chewing.

- I said... - [crunching]

Tulip, the crumbs around your lips are glowing.

[♪ tense music playing]

Mm, mm, mm!

[Ladi groaning]

- Stay here. - [car door slams]

[grunting] I hate brooms.

I hate brooms. I hate brooms.

I hate brooms! [screaming]

Oh, dear.

I'm so sorry you had to walk in on that.

My emotional response regulator

has been on the fritz since [gasps] forever!

Now, let's start from the top. Whoop!

Welcome to Macy Tom's Bakery,

where all good things never, ever come to an end.

My name's WarrenMacyTom.

And what goodness can I bring to you today?

Tell me what's in the closure cookie

and if an online order for a double German

chocolate cake is ready.

None of your business, ho!

And what name was the order placed under?

Ladi Olivia Sanchez the Fourth.

[shoes clicking]

[chuckles] Aha!

I said German chocolate.

You ungrateful bitch! [grunting]

[♪ electronic music playing]

Ah!

- [whimpering] - [gunshot]

Please! If I disclose my recipe,

my wife and children are toast.

And by toast, I mean literal toast.

The other day, I caught my dog

reading my secret recipe journal,

so I zapped him and turned him into

a piece of perfectly toasted sourdough.

And I... I... I ate him!

And now, the guilt is driving me insane.

And so is the appetite for more toast.

If you had some sourdough toast right now, would you squeal?

Ooh, yes!

Closure. If life was a cookie,

closure would be the most delightful,

the most decadent, and the most desired.

Which is why I created the closure cookie,

the cookie that can bring you

the closure you need, guaranteed.

[announcer] Warning, consumers of the closure cookie

are not guaranteed closure. Those who eat the cookie

are subject to temporary genetic mutation.

Other side effects include headache, death,

and the insatiable desire for closure.

- Batteries not included. - So, the closure cookie

doesn't bring you closure,

it just makes you want it even more?

And the more you want it, the more you change.

Mm, God!

This tastes almost as good as Diego.

- [Ladi grunting] - [WarrenMacyTom gasps]

- [crashing] - [car alarm blaring]

Tulip?

I told you, those warnings are just provisions.

I bake those cookies with purest intentions

to bring joy into the lives of people everywhere.

- [car alarm stops] - [♪ suspenseful music playing]

[growling]

It worked. It worked!

The closure cookie is a...

- [grunting] - [car door closes]

Tulip, this asshole poisoned you, but don't panic.

His ass is gonna think of a cure.

Oh, don't get your panties in such a bunch.

The genetic mutation will resolve itself

in two hours, tops.

And pray tell, what makes you think

I can just pull a cure out of my ass, hm?

[chuckles] Why, even if I could,

what comes out of my ass is mine!

[choking]

- What was that? - A bomb.

If two hours go by and my friend

is still a beast, you go kablooey.

[laughing maniacally]

Hey, WarrenMacyTom, are you here?

You know I can't start my shift

without my reasonably biased...

- [maniacal laughter] - ...baklava.

Yo, you've reached Push Broom.

Leave your name and number, and I'll call you back.

- [beep] - Hey, hey, hey.

[giggles] It's-- it's Tulip.

Um, just calling to say hey, and, uh, I'd love to talk.

Or, whatever. No biggie.

[chuckles] Okay, talk soon.

- Love you, bye. - "Love you, bye"?

I would have killed you if I knew you loved brooms.

Oh, there you are, WarrenMacyTom.

I need my baklava, and I need it quick,

- or else I'll... - [electronic chirping]

- [alarm blaring] - [gasps]

Step out of the vehicle!

- [tires screeching] - [gunshots]

Heading west on Slauson at 90 miles an hour!

We got ourselves a Z-94. Z-94!

[dispatch] Copy that, daddy.

- Now, a Z-94... - [gunshot]

Is that a woman covered in cake?

Yes, Louis, goddamn it!

What the hell else would it be? Dumbass.

[sirens wailing]

[♪ hip-hop music playing]

[GPS] Keep left on the 405 South.

- [phone beeps] - [Tulip groaning]

He's still not answering.

I can't believe him. I introduced him to my parents.

I bought him a watch for his birthday.

I helped him paint his broom closet.

Are you talking about a broom?

Yes, we established that already.

- Fuck you! - [GPS] Take exit 3A.

- [horn honking] - Hey! Watch it, bitch!

[missile fires]

Push Broom not choosing you

should be all the closure you need.

You need to just get over it.

You can't just say that to someone

like it's so goddamn easy.

You know what? Push Broom used to say that same thing.

[helicopter whirring]

[COD cop] [over megaphone] Frosted-face woman!

Pull over the goddamn vehicle.

[Tulip] Get over this. Get over that.

Over the fact that I caught him milking my goat dad

on the 4th of July in the kitchen, when he told me

he was just gonna go get more mac and cheese,

but he was really going to get milk.

You know what? Fuck this.

I'm messaging him and giving him a piece of my mind.

Joke's on you, bitch.

How about "you broomy bitch"?

Hey, I like that.

Joke's on you, you broomy bitch.

P.S. I faked every orgasm.

- [laughing] Brilliant! - [phone chiming]

It's Sunny. Answer it.

And tell her we're on our way, we're just running

- a little behind. - [Tulip] What do you want?

So, I have good news and I have bad news.

The bad news is I just stabbed someone.

The good news is he deserved it

because he didn't open the door for me.

And as his ageist, misogynistic blood

dripped off my hands, I began to think.

The world is overdue for a hero

who rises up against pricks like him

and protects those deemed invisible,

those who, sure, may not be as objectively attractive

as they once were, but give them five minutes

and they can suck a grapefruit through a picket fence.

Goddamn, Tulip!

What the hell happened to you?

Push Broom won't answer my calls.

Oh, well, she forgot the part where she ate a cookie

that's causing her to mutate.

A man who once would have traded consciousness

for just a taste of your love is now ignoring you?!

- Exactly. - [sirens continue wailing]

- Send me his address. - Wait. Why?

So I can see if he'll ignore me too, duh.

- How is that helping me? - Because if he ignores me,

then it's clear that he's an ageist asshole

who needs to be doxed and castrated.

And if he doesn't?

Then I'll know that I'm still hot.

- [COD cop] COD chopper down! - Who's that in the back seat?

I'm WarrenMacyTom, jolly baker and agent of chaos

witnessing inevitable destruction go pop,

with satanic glee and sugar on top.

And while the scorned go off and chase the things

that once delighted, I conjure up delicious desserts

to keep things unrequited.

- At your service. - Okay?

Tell Sunny we'll be there soon.

- What did she say? - We'll be there soon.

I just can't believe how much time has gone by, like...

[growling and roaring]

I bet you'd kill for a conversation

with a little bit of closure right now, wouldn't you?

- [roaring] - [screaming] Yes!

For the umpteenth time, that shit ain't real.

The only real closure there is is accepting the fact

that a season has ended.

And you find healing in making sure your love for you does not.

You desiring closure is what's inhibiting the healing process.

Ooh, that's it! We're goin' to Push Broom's house.

[deep voice] Really? Oh!

No! He can't see me like this.

He can't hear me like this.

You said there was no such thing as closure.

There isn't. I'm taking you to him just to prove it,

and hopefully bring this all to an end.

It's only been 11 minutes?

- Can you take me home first? - No.

We've got some empowering to do.

[dog barking]

- Oh! - [knocking]

Push Broom? It's me. Tulip.

I know this is crazy, me showing up like this,

especially after all those messages that I sent you,

loving you one minute,

telling you your sex is lame the next.

I'll be honest, at this point,

I don't even know how I feel or what I want.

But I do know that you don't deserve any of that.

I'm just hurt, and I'm sorry.

And at the very least, I hope you and I

could explore a friendship.

[♪ emotional music playing]

[sniffles] Tulip, I have been too afraid--

[WarrenMacyTom shouting]

- Huh? - [grunting]

[Push Broom] Mercy! Mercy!

[shouting]

[laughing maniacally]

♪ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Sunny ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪

Wow. That was beautiful, guys.

I'm so moved.

Really? I can't tell.

Okay, now make a wish.

- [blows forcefully] - What'd you wish for?

I wished that you turned back to normal.

- Really? - Absolutely not.

Let the hair growing out of the crack of your ass

be a lesson in what happens when we refuse to let go.

The same way you refuse to let go of your youth?

[laughing]

Hold me back, WarrenMacyTom!

- Oh, no, my sweet! - [Tulip growling and panting]

I have to cut the cake.

[Tulip continues growling]

- [Tulip] I'm gonna get you. - [timer ringing]

[explosion booming]

You see, that's about the most closure we can expect.

[Tulip roaring]

♪ They call me psycho ♪

♪ They put me in this ward ♪

♪