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1
00:00:01,697 --> 00:00:03,481
Oh, my goodness.
2
00:00:03,568 --> 00:00:05,048
This dude Brian Nicholera
I went to high school with
3
00:00:05,135 --> 00:00:07,181
just friended me,
he just moved here.Oh, my God.
4
00:00:07,268 --> 00:00:09,487
People from high school
only friend you, like,
5
00:00:09,574 --> 00:00:12,273
after business hours
if they wanna hook up.
6
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,275
Really? I had a huge
crush on him.
7
00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:16,842
Oh, you should
ask him out.I can't just do that.
8
00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:19,758
Oh, my God,
he "likes" "Roseanne."
9
00:00:19,845 --> 00:00:21,064
Okay, this is--
10
00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:23,153
This is your new
sexual partner.
11
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:25,677
All right,
I'm asking him out.
12
00:00:25,764 --> 00:00:28,680
I'm just gonna do it.Do it.
13
00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:30,639
This is so great.
14
00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:34,338
Like, why are we waiting for
guys to come to us, Ilana?
15
00:00:34,425 --> 00:00:36,862
Did Amelia Earhart
wait to be
16
00:00:36,949 --> 00:00:38,777
asked to fly
around the world?
17
00:00:38,864 --> 00:00:40,257
Definitely not.
18
00:00:40,344 --> 00:00:41,867
She asked.
19
00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:43,782
And then they
said no.
20
00:00:43,869 --> 00:00:45,480
But she still did it.
21
00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:47,482
And she died, but she,
like, died doing it.
22
00:00:47,569 --> 00:00:49,223
Exactly.
23
00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:50,615
I'm doing it again,
I'm asking someone else out.
24
00:00:50,702 --> 00:00:52,791
This is the Abbi I love
and fell in love with
25
00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:54,184
and I'm obsessed with.
26
00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:55,055
Skylar Cummings-Conkelmann,
27
00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:56,534
I used to babysit
for him.
28
00:00:56,621 --> 00:00:58,014
He was adorable.
29
00:00:58,101 --> 00:00:59,885
He's...
30
00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:01,539
Yeah, he's 20,
that's acceptable.
31
00:01:01,626 --> 00:01:03,324
Troy Megliarino.
32
00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:06,544
He spent a hot sec in jail,
but he lives in South Jersey
33
00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:08,155
and I know he'd steal a car
and come up for the night.
34
00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:10,940
Chris Wazcyleski,
he was a nude model
35
00:01:11,027 --> 00:01:12,855
in my life drawing
class and he, like,
36
00:01:12,942 --> 00:01:14,944
always angled
himself out to me.
37
00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:16,511
Chad Michael Fong.
38
00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:19,296
We met at a hardware store,
he was disgusting.
39
00:01:19,383 --> 00:01:21,211
You know, I'm picking all
white dudes right now.
40
00:01:21,298 --> 00:01:23,648
I must be craving
pink dick.
41
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:24,954
I'm gonna
go with this.
42
00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:26,695
Okay, who else, who else?
43
00:01:26,782 --> 00:01:28,958
Henry Rowdenbush, had a unibrow
all through middle school
44
00:01:29,045 --> 00:01:31,917
and then he started waxing it
and all of a sudden it was like,
45
00:01:32,004 --> 00:01:33,702
glasses off, you're
fucking gorgeous.
46
00:01:33,789 --> 00:01:34,964
It's like
"She's All That."
47
00:01:35,051 --> 00:01:36,661
I feel like I'm on
coke right now.
48
00:01:36,748 --> 00:01:37,706
P.J. Mallory.
49
00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:38,924
Bobby Cornhauser.
50
00:01:39,011 --> 00:01:40,230
Johnny Fissinger.Danny McCarrow.
51
00:01:40,317 --> 00:01:41,405
Ryan Long.
52
00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:42,667
Rod White.
53
00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:45,061
We are, like, feminist
heroes right now.
54
00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:47,890
Yaaaas![exclaiming]
55
00:01:47,977 --> 00:01:51,763
So, okay, that's 36 guys
56
00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:55,332
that we've been rejected
by and one lady.
57
00:01:55,419 --> 00:01:57,073
Okay, so what, dude?
You know what?
58
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,727
The Internet
is so '90s.
59
00:01:58,814 --> 00:02:01,338
Let's go find
some guys IRL.
60
00:02:01,425 --> 00:02:03,123
You know, you can just
say "in real life."
61
00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:05,081
It's the same number
of syllables.
62
00:02:05,168 --> 00:02:07,083
♪ Four and three
and two and one-one ♪
63
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:12,001
♪♪
64
00:02:12,088 --> 00:02:17,006
♪ Go in the city and we shiver
close to the fire ♪
65
00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:21,315
I'm from Philly.
66
00:02:21,402 --> 00:02:22,490
Philadelphia.
67
00:02:22,577 --> 00:02:24,187
When I was five, I was
actually an extra
68
00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:26,885
in the movie
"Philadelphia."
69
00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:29,149
It filmed right near
my dad's office.
70
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:33,022
So I learned about AIDS
before a lot of my friends.
71
00:02:33,109 --> 00:02:35,633
Yeah, this is her.
72
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,809
There's Abbi again.
73
00:02:37,896 --> 00:02:39,507
Ugh, Abbi in
outdoor lighting.
74
00:02:39,594 --> 00:02:41,161
We're best friends,
and so, it's--
75
00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:43,946
it's like,
cool, you know.
76
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:46,557
Cell phones are so
close to being perfect,
77
00:02:46,644 --> 00:02:48,124
except that I just miss
that there's like a--
78
00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:50,300
Dial tone.Dial tone.
79
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:52,650
Yes, are you
kidding me?No, yeah.
80
00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:54,261
You're trying to make a
connection with someone
81
00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:55,392
and there's no
sound anymore.
82
00:02:55,479 --> 00:02:58,003
It's just like,
hi, you're there.
83
00:02:58,090 --> 00:03:00,745
It's needed.Can I get
your number?
84
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:03,313
Yeah, yeah, sure.
85
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,795
Yeah, just put it
in my phone.Okay.
86
00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:09,537
Freeze, asshole,
don't move, don't breathe.
87
00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:11,191
When was the last time
you were tested?
88
00:03:11,278 --> 00:03:13,845
Uh, last week?Oh, my God, great.
89
00:03:13,932 --> 00:03:16,413
Okay, she's gonna want
to shower first, probably,
90
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:19,155
and you know, just
be patient, okay?Okay.
91
00:03:19,242 --> 00:03:21,592
Great.
92
00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:22,854
Hey, dude.
93
00:03:22,941 --> 00:03:25,640
You should have
a sex with him.
94
00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,598
Tonight.Oh, yeah, what?
95
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:28,947
Hey, Ilana.
96
00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:31,167
Hi.Yeah.
97
00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:32,951
So, all right,
I'm out.
98
00:03:33,038 --> 00:03:33,952
You're just
giving up?
99
00:03:34,039 --> 00:03:35,215
On the--
on the pink?
100
00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:36,999
Bitch, please.
101
00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:38,174
I haven't even
started yet.
102
00:03:38,261 --> 00:03:42,744
Oh.
103
00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:46,269
♪♪
104
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:07,682
Bitch!
105
00:04:07,769 --> 00:04:08,900
She's really fun.Yeah.
106
00:04:08,987 --> 00:04:10,467
Yeah, no, she
seems nice.
107
00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:12,164
Do you want to get
a drink tomorrow?Yeah.
108
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,297
Cool, I'll text you.Okay.
109
00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:15,733
You're not one of those
hot girls that says
110
00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,387
she's gonna text and
then doesn't, right?
111
00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:20,869
Are you still
talking to me?Yeah.
112
00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:22,871
Yeah, no, I'm not.
113
00:04:22,958 --> 00:04:25,830
I mean, I--
I will text back.
114
00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:27,267
Great.Okay.
115
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:29,269
I'll see you tomorrow.Okay, bye.
116
00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:32,533
Was anyone
filming that?
117
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,012
I'm the hot girl
at this bar.
118
00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:36,058
Me, me is.
119
00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:39,801
Yes-- calling my mom.
120
00:04:39,888 --> 00:04:42,151
Where's my phone?
Okay.
121
00:04:42,238 --> 00:04:43,631
Okay, where's
my phone?
122
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:45,067
Sir, have you seen a--
123
00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:47,417
Is there
a missing phone?
124
00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:50,072
So this is it.
125
00:04:50,159 --> 00:04:51,203
Nice apartment.
126
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,640
[Ilana]
Thanks.
127
00:04:52,727 --> 00:04:54,250
Got any roommates?
128
00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:56,731
Yeah, but his abuela's
in the hospital, which sucks,
129
00:04:56,818 --> 00:05:01,257
but "Silver Linings Playbook,"
we have the place to ourselves.
130
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:02,780
Dayum!
131
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:05,000
That penis is pink.
132
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:14,879
There's something
I should tell you.
133
00:05:14,966 --> 00:05:19,014
I'm bisexual.
134
00:05:19,101 --> 00:05:21,625
That is true
masculinity.
135
00:05:21,712 --> 00:05:25,629
You are truly evolved
and I am truly wet.
136
00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:27,065
Just tell me you don't
shave down there.
137
00:05:27,152 --> 00:05:29,677
[imitates heavenly shimmer]
138
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:31,287
Can you pick me up?
Can you lift me up?
139
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:33,376
[imitates heavenly shimmer]
140
00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:39,861
[Abbi]
Has anyone
seen a phone?
141
00:05:39,948 --> 00:05:42,472
Is there a phone?
142
00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:44,561
[woman]
Oh, my God, are
you kidding me?
143
00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:46,998
Where is my phone?
144
00:05:47,085 --> 00:05:50,175
I lose my phone
all the time, too.
145
00:05:50,262 --> 00:05:52,787
I mean, I don't,
like, lose it,
146
00:05:52,874 --> 00:05:55,355
lose it, I just,
like, I see it
147
00:05:55,442 --> 00:06:00,664
fall into
the toilet, but...
148
00:06:00,751 --> 00:06:03,972
Okay.
149
00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:06,104
Could you turn
the music off, please?
150
00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:08,672
Maybe when you turn it back
on, some '90s hip-hop?
151
00:06:08,759 --> 00:06:10,239
Something cool.
152
00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:11,632
Okay, you guys,
listen.
153
00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:13,329
I lost my phone.
154
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:15,375
This guy is
supposed to text me.
155
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:18,073
He called me hot.
156
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,510
So I'm cute, but
you guys get it.
157
00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:21,772
Can you guys
help me find it?
158
00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:23,513
Yes.
159
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,341
I'm gonna need you
to link arms.
160
00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:27,561
We're gonna
sweep the bar.
161
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:36,047
Mind if we take a break and
I go down on you for 45 minutes?
162
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:39,137
Don't ever let
society change you.
163
00:06:43,881 --> 00:06:47,015
Yes, dude!
164
00:06:47,102 --> 00:06:50,627
So the volume's up louder than
before, but we should keep
165
00:06:50,714 --> 00:06:54,762
searching, 'cause I would do
it if it was your phone.
166
00:06:54,849 --> 00:06:58,896
No, sorry.
We've all moved on.
167
00:06:58,983 --> 00:07:00,985
♪♪
168
00:07:04,032 --> 00:07:05,686
[Abbi]
This is Abbi,
leave a message. [beep]
169
00:07:05,773 --> 00:07:07,383
Hey, this is Abbi,
leave a message. [beep]
170
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:08,863
Leave a message. [beep]
171
00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:11,561
Dude, I'm gonna be so
pissed if you're dead,
172
00:07:11,648 --> 00:07:12,997
you've got to
call me back.
173
00:07:13,084 --> 00:07:14,477
I'm freaking out.
174
00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:16,479
Morning, beautiful.Hi.
175
00:07:16,566 --> 00:07:18,046
You're--
176
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:19,221
You're really
good at sex.
177
00:07:19,308 --> 00:07:21,353
Thanks, you too.Thanks.
178
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,268
So I'm doing a show
tonight if you wanna come.
179
00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:25,314
That's hot,
you know, maybe.
180
00:07:25,401 --> 00:07:27,621
You know, I want to,
I'm sorry, I just--
181
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:29,666
I'm pretty sure my best friend
is dead right now and I am
182
00:07:29,753 --> 00:07:31,059
the one who let her
go home with a stranger.
183
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:33,061
She doesn't have, like, street
smarts like me, you know,
184
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:34,497
and no upper
body strength.
185
00:07:34,584 --> 00:07:36,281
I gotta go,
text me about it.
186
00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:40,024
Shut the door
when you leave.
187
00:07:40,111 --> 00:07:41,156
It's "Tyler," right?
188
00:07:41,243 --> 00:07:42,679
Yeah.
189
00:07:42,766 --> 00:07:43,898
Hey, where at you?
190
00:07:43,985 --> 00:07:45,465
I'm at that dog shelter.
191
00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:46,770
Lincoln, just
get a dog.
192
00:07:46,857 --> 00:07:48,424
Ilana, I can't
inflict upon a dog
193
00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:50,426
the crazy life
of a dentist.
194
00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:52,167
Anyway, Abbi's not picking
up any of her calls,
195
00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:54,169
so I'm pretty
sure she's dead.
196
00:07:54,256 --> 00:07:55,953
I need you to be my
eyes and ears here.
197
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,435
Stay on the local news, they
only cover rapes and murders.
198
00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:00,523
She didn't even say
"Bye, Lincoln."
199
00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,307
That takes
one more second.
200
00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:04,005
People have no phone
etiquette these days.
201
00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:06,529
Abbi!
202
00:08:14,842 --> 00:08:16,452
Oh, my God.Oh, my God.
203
00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:18,149
What?You wouldn't pick
up your phone.
204
00:08:18,236 --> 00:08:19,455
I thought you
got SVU'd.
205
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:21,718
No, dude, I'm fine,
I just lost my phone.
206
00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:22,806
Remember that hot
dude at the bar?
207
00:08:22,893 --> 00:08:24,242
He was supposed to text me,
so now, I'm, like,
208
00:08:24,329 --> 00:08:25,417
never gonna hear
from him again.
209
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,767
Oh, my God.
210
00:08:26,854 --> 00:08:27,942
You should use
the FindMyPhone app.
211
00:08:28,029 --> 00:08:29,596
I watch myself run around
the city all the time on it.
212
00:08:29,683 --> 00:08:31,641
Oh, okay, well,
we'll just do that.
213
00:08:31,728 --> 00:08:33,600
There's my phone,
I knew it was stolen.
214
00:08:33,687 --> 00:08:35,340
Ugh.Okay, it's in Harlem.
215
00:08:35,427 --> 00:08:36,994
Great, let's go
track it down.
216
00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:41,608
No, wait, wait, wait,
it's moving south.
217
00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:44,349
It's in the
Upper East Side.Oh, dude.
218
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:47,048
I-- I don't want
to go there.Must we?
219
00:08:47,135 --> 00:08:49,398
My son-in-law's
such a disgrace.
220
00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:51,531
He went to Cornell.
221
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:54,621
I'm fine with the tsunami,
but not in St. Bart's.
222
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:57,275
Anywhere else
is fine.
223
00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:59,060
It's the tenth horse
that died this year.
224
00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:01,628
That's ten horses
I've had to replace.
225
00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:02,933
Why does anybody
come up here?
226
00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:05,109
It is a horrible,
vapid wasteland.
227
00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:07,111
Um, excuse me,
where's the Met?
228
00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:08,504
Oh, right down here,
you make a right.
229
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,767
Yeah, you can't
miss it.Thank you.
230
00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:12,377
Okay, your phone's
heading west.
231
00:09:12,464 --> 00:09:13,770
We gotta hustle,
'cause Tyler's show's
232
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:17,513
at 8:00 and I just bet
he's the drummer.
233
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,124
What are we supposed
to do up here, like,
234
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:21,778
get a caricature
or something?
235
00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:24,433
[both chuckling]
236
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,871
[Ilana]
Abbi, you should really
wear a ball gown IRL.
237
00:09:27,958 --> 00:09:30,395
[Abbi]
Ilana, come on, my soulmate
could've texted me.
238
00:09:30,482 --> 00:09:31,701
We've gotta get my phone,
someone here has it.
239
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:33,355
You know what?
I'll call it,
240
00:09:33,442 --> 00:09:34,878
listen for
the vibration.Okay.
241
00:09:34,965 --> 00:09:36,227
It's ringing.
242
00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:41,319
Ooh!
243
00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:44,932
Oh, my God, I thought
this was my bag.
244
00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:46,847
I had this-- this--
245
00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:48,326
I had one.
246
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,328
This is mine, though.
247
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:52,330
This is the mine,
this is easy to--
248
00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:55,899
Okay Ab, I have an
idea and it's hot.
249
00:09:55,986 --> 00:09:57,466
Ilana.
250
00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:58,728
Are you kidding me?
Ilana, stop.
251
00:09:58,815 --> 00:10:00,556
No, this park
is full of pervs.
252
00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:01,905
Get ready, because
everybody's gonna whip
253
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:03,820
their phone out.Dude.
254
00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:05,474
and we're gonna find yours
in three, two, one.Oh, my God.
255
00:10:05,561 --> 00:10:07,432
Okay.Find your phone.
256
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:09,304
All right, you're doing
this right now, okay.Find your phone.
257
00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:11,088
This is crazy
right now.
258
00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:13,787
Only in NYC!
259
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:15,702
If I were you, I'd pull
my phone out and take a pic!
260
00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:20,707
Why is no one taking
a picture of her?
261
00:10:20,794 --> 00:10:24,275
That girl's been
here for hours.
262
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:25,712
[Abbi]
All right, well,
I understand that.
263
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:28,410
Oh, my God,
the dot is over water.
264
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,542
What? Oh, the lake.
265
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,283
All right.
266
00:10:32,370 --> 00:10:34,285
What, are we following,
like, some sort of duck?
267
00:10:34,372 --> 00:10:36,636
Hey, one of you
stole our phone.
268
00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:38,899
We know you're
in here!
269
00:10:38,986 --> 00:10:43,207
We live in an ugly
city of monsters.
270
00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:45,383
The dot's
moving south.
271
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:47,342
Okay, let's go.Let's go.
272
00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:49,910
♪♪
273
00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:51,172
We're close, dude.
274
00:10:51,259 --> 00:10:52,652
I can, like,
smell it.
275
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,218
Yeah, we just
have to find it.
276
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:56,307
Like, I need to
get it, 'cause I--Wait, stop.
277
00:10:56,394 --> 00:10:58,527
Times Square, ew!
278
00:10:58,614 --> 00:11:01,269
We can't go in here, dude,
it's-- it's too disgusting.
279
00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:03,097
Ilana, we have to,
he called me hot.
280
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:05,099
Like, we're going in.
281
00:11:05,186 --> 00:11:07,188
What?
282
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:08,972
Oh, my God.What?
283
00:11:09,059 --> 00:11:11,105
It's gone.
284
00:11:11,192 --> 00:11:12,802
Oh, my God.
285
00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:14,848
I bet my
battery died.
286
00:11:14,935 --> 00:11:16,632
I'm never gonna see
him again, I mean.
287
00:11:16,719 --> 00:11:18,155
I am so sorry, dude.
288
00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:19,156
It's gonna be unfair
to whoever I marry,
289
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:20,244
because I'll probably,
290
00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:21,855
like, always
compare them to Ben.
291
00:11:21,942 --> 00:11:23,726
It's gonna just tear
us apart immediately,
292
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,772
or throughout.
293
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:27,077
We could go
to Tyler's show.
294
00:11:27,164 --> 00:11:29,819
I think he's in
a boy band, so.
295
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:33,040
All right, just
give me a sec.
296
00:11:33,127 --> 00:11:35,956
Goodbye,
Ben something.
297
00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:37,435
I think-- I guess we'll
always have that beer.
298
00:11:37,522 --> 00:11:38,828
I thought it was--
299
00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:40,351
It was fun, it was
just fun, you know?
300
00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:41,788
It just, like, fit,
and I felt like--Move!
301
00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:43,093
Oh!Jesus.
302
00:11:43,180 --> 00:11:44,965
What?
303
00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:46,618
Fuck you both,
you yuppie trash!No, what?
304
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:47,750
Tax the rich!
305
00:11:52,015 --> 00:11:53,887
Dude, I-- I thought
he was in a band.
306
00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:56,063
I didn't know this was
gonna be, like an improv show.
307
00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:58,282
Yeah, me too,
I don't know.
308
00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:02,286
But what's hotter than a pink
dick with a sense of humor?
309
00:12:02,373 --> 00:12:05,333
I mean, a black
dick, but...
310
00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:08,162
You know that you're so
anti-racist sometimes
311
00:12:08,249 --> 00:12:09,816
that you're actually
really racist?
312
00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:11,252
Huh.
313
00:12:16,170 --> 00:12:17,475
[man]
All right, thank
you all for coming.
314
00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:19,956
We are Statutory Crepe.
315
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:22,567
Everything you're about to
see will be fully improvised.
316
00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:24,700
All we need to get
started is one word.
317
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:27,268
[man]
Eggroll!I heard "eggroll."
318
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:28,922
Dude.
319
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:33,274
Mom.Yes, son?
320
00:12:33,361 --> 00:12:37,365
I need to talk to
you about my penis.
321
00:12:37,452 --> 00:12:39,019
Yes, son?
322
00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:41,238
I love answering questions
about penises,
323
00:12:41,325 --> 00:12:43,458
even though
I have a vagina!
324
00:12:43,545 --> 00:12:45,808
Ha ha ha!
325
00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:49,943
How much for
this shirt?I can--
326
00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:54,295
One million dollars.
327
00:12:54,382 --> 00:12:55,775
I'm embarrassed
that I'm here.
328
00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:57,515
I'm embarrassed that
he was inside of me.
329
00:12:57,602 --> 00:13:00,518
[animal noises]
330
00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:02,477
I'm not watching
this by myself, get--
331
00:13:02,564 --> 00:13:03,695
[Ilana]
You should come
down here.
332
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:07,525
Sit in your seat,
you brought me here.
333
00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:08,744
Oh, my God.
334
00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:10,224
Scene!
335
00:13:10,311 --> 00:13:11,573
We're gonna take
a quick break and be back
336
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:14,097
with another hour of
Statutory Crepe!
337
00:13:14,184 --> 00:13:17,231
Woohoo!
338
00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:20,408
[Ilana]
Oh, my God, that was the
worst thing I've ever seen.
339
00:13:20,495 --> 00:13:22,192
I feel like I've
been hate-crimed.
340
00:13:22,279 --> 00:13:24,238
Oh, my God!
The dot's back!
341
00:13:24,325 --> 00:13:25,848
[Abbi]
Ew, it's still
in Times Square!
342
00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:27,110
I bet the freak
was seeing a play
343
00:13:27,197 --> 00:13:28,633
and turned it
off to be polite.
344
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:29,678
Oh, my God, dude.
345
00:13:29,765 --> 00:13:30,897
Times Square,
Central Park?
346
00:13:30,984 --> 00:13:32,724
Upper East Side,
means it's a tourist.
347
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,204
Ew!
348
00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:35,727
The dot's moving
down Eighth Ave.
349
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,077
What tourist spot
is down there?
350
00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:38,165
I don't know, but
let's get out of here
351
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:40,994
before Jerry Lewis
sees you again.
352
00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:43,387
[Ilana]
Oh, my God, oh!
353
00:13:43,474 --> 00:13:44,911
I've been
pulled back in.
354
00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:46,651
It's too-- I can't--
I can't not.
355
00:13:46,738 --> 00:13:48,044
I can't say no.
356
00:13:48,131 --> 00:13:49,393
Okay, you go with
Dr. Evil, because
357
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,265
I just figured out where
the thief took my phone,
358
00:13:51,352 --> 00:13:54,050
the last place
every tourist goes.
359
00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:56,096
The airport?No, not--
360
00:13:56,183 --> 00:13:58,141
Not literally
the last place.
361
00:13:58,228 --> 00:13:59,664
Magnolia Bakery.
362
00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:00,840
Right, right,
right, right.Right?
363
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,363
Yeah, do it.Okay, I'm going.
364
00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:03,320
Get your hot piece.All right, I'm going.
365
00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:04,452
Get it.
366
00:14:04,539 --> 00:14:06,280
Hey!
367
00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:09,500
Oh! Oh.
368
00:14:14,375 --> 00:14:16,246
[woman]
Wait, you guys
don't have wine?
369
00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:17,944
What about
white wine?
370
00:14:18,031 --> 00:14:19,336
You, you have
my phone.
371
00:14:19,423 --> 00:14:21,034
Oh, my God, hey!
372
00:14:21,121 --> 00:14:22,818
How did you find out
about this place?
373
00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:24,428
I thought it
was a secret.
374
00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:26,604
Okay, can you please check
your bag for my phone?
375
00:14:26,691 --> 00:14:28,302
This is, like,
an emergency.
376
00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:32,610
Oh, my God, look,
a Mike and Ike.
377
00:14:32,697 --> 00:14:35,918
Oh, no, wait, that was,
like, a pinto bean.
378
00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:38,442
High-five.All right.
379
00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:39,922
You know what?
380
00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:41,793
I'm gonna help you out,
okay great, great.
381
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,448
So this is my phone,
this is your phone.
382
00:14:44,535 --> 00:14:46,015
My phone,
your phone, okay?
383
00:14:46,102 --> 00:14:48,278
There's two.Oh, my God.
384
00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:50,411
I must have taken
that on incident.
385
00:14:50,498 --> 00:14:52,195
I swear.
386
00:14:52,282 --> 00:14:53,414
Like, that makes sense
'cause I called
387
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:54,806
my mom and she
was like,
388
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,373
way nicer
than usual.
389
00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:58,810
I've been following
you, like, all day today,
390
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,943
I don't know how you didn't
feel this vibrating at all.
391
00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:03,163
This purse is
enormous.
392
00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:05,861
I carry it to make
me look petite.
393
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:07,558
Oh, my God,
Ben texted me.
394
00:15:07,645 --> 00:15:09,299
Okay, 11:00.
395
00:15:09,386 --> 00:15:10,431
That's eight minutes.
396
00:15:10,518 --> 00:15:12,128
Okay.
397
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:14,914
You know what? I'm gonna
get a large banana pudding.
398
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:15,827
Great, and she's
gonna pay for it.
399
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,090
Awesome.
400
00:15:17,177 --> 00:15:19,483
Wait, are
you kidding?
401
00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:21,572
Wait, do you guys
have red wine?
402
00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:24,488
[woman]
Are you serious?
This is a bakery.
403
00:15:24,575 --> 00:15:28,144
♪ Can you make me
go ooh ooh ooh ahh ♪
404
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:29,929
Can I get
a one-word suggestion?
405
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:33,062
I heard "cunnilingus."
406
00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:38,850
I've got a turtle
head poking out!
407
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:46,684
We also have lobster
in the shell.
408
00:15:46,771 --> 00:15:51,428
No... man...
409
00:15:51,515 --> 00:15:55,606
I am a robot and
I'm programmed to be horny.
410
00:16:00,829 --> 00:16:02,962
I made a poopy
in my dipey.
411
00:16:03,049 --> 00:16:05,573
Oh, stop-- no, stop.
412
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:07,314
What's wrong?
413
00:16:07,401 --> 00:16:08,968
Honestly, dude?
414
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:13,581
You are so gorgeous and
sexually skilled it's scary,
415
00:16:13,668 --> 00:16:17,802
but your improv show
was...
416
00:16:17,889 --> 00:16:22,068
just... not good.
417
00:16:22,155 --> 00:16:24,331
That was one of
our best shows.
418
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:25,375
Shut up,
you're an idiot.
419
00:16:25,462 --> 00:16:27,377
All right, fuck you.
420
00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,510
Thank you for your services.
421
00:16:29,597 --> 00:16:33,818
But seriously, thank you for
your services, they were good.
422
00:16:33,905 --> 00:16:35,255
Whoa, whoa, just--
423
00:16:35,342 --> 00:16:36,734
Don't put your shirt
on before you leave.
424
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:38,258
What's the point?
425
00:16:42,697 --> 00:16:43,959
I'm so sorry.
426
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:46,962
Ben!
427
00:16:52,924 --> 00:16:55,492
[Ben]
Oh, Abbi!
428
00:16:55,579 --> 00:16:56,972
Yes.
429
00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:57,973
Just give me
a second.
430
00:16:58,060 --> 00:17:00,323
Oh, yeah.
431
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:02,282
Just look away,
I just need--
432
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:03,805
I ate banana pudding,
I just--
433
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:07,548
I offer clients incentives
to stay with the bank, so.
434
00:17:07,635 --> 00:17:09,158
Cool.
435
00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:10,116
You know, I used
to have an office
436
00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:11,900
that didn't
have a window.
437
00:17:11,987 --> 00:17:15,295
They just moved me into
an office with a window.
438
00:17:15,382 --> 00:17:16,774
Oh, that's great.
439
00:17:16,861 --> 00:17:18,037
I mean, it's much better
to have a window.
440
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:20,213
Much better, I look
out all the time.
441
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,171
Yeah, yeah.
442
00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:30,919
Um, so have you
been here before?
443
00:17:31,006 --> 00:17:32,268
I have.
444
00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:33,922
About a year ago.
445
00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:37,273
Or... it was like
two years ago.
446
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:40,842
Cool.Or, no.
447
00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:44,628
That was like
a year ago.
448
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:47,892
Well, like 13 months,
14, 13 months, 14 months.
449
00:17:49,677 --> 00:17:53,376
[phone vibrating]What's up, dude?
450
00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:55,726
They just found a dead girl
on Riker's Island.
451
00:17:55,813 --> 00:17:58,033
Was it Abbi?Oh, no, no, no.
452
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,208
Abbi's fine, I've been
with her all day.
453
00:17:59,295 --> 00:18:01,036
What? Why didn't
you tell me?
454
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:02,820
I was worried,
Abbi's my friend too.
455
00:18:02,907 --> 00:18:05,084
I was so worried,
I baked a whole cake.
456
00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:07,216
And then I ate
a whole cake.
457
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:09,218
I'm-- I'm really sorry.
458
00:18:09,305 --> 00:18:11,351
You know, I got
another cake cooking.
459
00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:13,614
You can come over
and we can eat it.
460
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:17,313
Or just smash our
faces into it.
461
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,924
♪♪
462
00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:22,101
He was so boring.
463
00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:24,451
He told me the rules to some
game, Settlers of Catan,
464
00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:26,888
for like, 40 minutes.
465
00:18:26,975 --> 00:18:29,499
Oh, God, that should take,
like, ten minutes, tops.
466
00:18:29,586 --> 00:18:33,373
Don't worry, you'll have sexual
intercourse very soon.
467
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:36,419
Oh, no, I still
slept with him.
468
00:18:36,506 --> 00:18:37,942
Oh! [Abbi]
Yeah!
469
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:39,770
Nice-- and you
know what?
470
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:41,294
I had a really sweet
day with you, dude.
471
00:18:41,381 --> 00:18:42,730
Yeah, me too.
472
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:43,861
Hey, I'm glad you're
not dead, Abbi.
473
00:18:43,948 --> 00:18:45,428
Thanks, Lincoln.
474
00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:47,648
All right, so it is
time for us to do it.
475
00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:49,476
Okay, wait,
I want to watch.
476
00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:52,174
I know you do, 'cause you're
a naughty little girl.
477
00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:53,567
Let's do this.
478
00:18:53,654 --> 00:18:58,659
[laughing]
479
00:18:58,746 --> 00:19:00,226
Oh, man.
480
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:01,966
Uh-oh, someone's
making a cake mess.
481
00:19:02,053 --> 00:19:03,664
You know what's
good for that?
482
00:19:03,751 --> 00:19:06,188
Is if you just get
a napkin or a paper towel,
483
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:09,670
or a thick napkin--Oh, my God.
Please stop.
484
00:19:09,757 --> 00:19:11,106
Thanks.Okay.
485
00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:12,368
Goodbye.
486
00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:13,848
[Ilana]
Bye!
487
00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:15,328
And learn
Settlers of Catan.
488
00:19:15,415 --> 00:19:20,637
It's honestly
not that hard.
489
00:19:20,724 --> 00:19:22,161
Ilana, do that
face that I hate.
490
00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:23,945
Oh.
491
00:19:26,556 --> 00:19:28,167
Oh, my God,
it won't let me--
492
00:19:28,254 --> 00:19:29,907
It says my
storage is full.
493
00:19:29,994 --> 00:19:32,780
That sucks for you.
494
00:19:32,867 --> 00:19:35,957
What is...
Look at this.
495
00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:39,134
Hi, baby.
I am in a boat!
496
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:43,704
Oh, my God, I love this city.
497
00:19:45,096 --> 00:19:46,837
Where is Central Park?
498
00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:48,099
[man]
You're in it.Oh, my God.
499
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:51,102
Central Perk.
500
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,539
The one with Gunther.
501
00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:54,280
And "Smelly Cat"?
502
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:58,458
[mumbling]
503
00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:03,202
I have a sweet
surprise for you.
504
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,420
Here it comes.
505
00:20:04,507 --> 00:20:06,553
She's gonna jerk off.
506
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:07,815
No, no, no, no, no,
we shouldn't watch it.
507
00:20:07,902 --> 00:20:09,382
Ilana, we should
not watch it.
508
00:20:09,469 --> 00:20:10,948
This is not a time
for prudeness, Abbi.Okay, fine!
509
00:20:11,035 --> 00:20:13,690
So, you ready?
510
00:20:17,738 --> 00:20:20,654
[coughing]
511
00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:24,832
Oh.
512
00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:27,051
That was... you know?
513
00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:28,575
That was phenomenal.Oh, my God.
514
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:30,620
Send that to my burner
phone, that last one.
515
00:20:30,707 --> 00:20:32,361
You have
a burner phone?
516
00:20:32,448 --> 00:20:33,884
You didn't know that?No.
517
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:35,582
Why do you have that?
518
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:38,498
For dick pics and
sex media in general.
519
00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:39,760
Why would you need
a phone from, like,
520
00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:41,457
"The Wire" for that?
521
00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:43,677
I'm still on my family plan
and I don't fully understand
522
00:20:43,764 --> 00:20:45,896
the cloud and
I don't trust it.
523
00:20:45,983 --> 00:20:48,899
I mean, I can't risk having
just dicks floating around.
524
00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:50,249
I feel like they're
gonna, like,
525
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:51,598
pop up on my parents'
phone one day.
526
00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:54,470
How many dicks
are floating around?
527
00:20:58,866 --> 00:21:01,172
You're counting a lot.
528
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:12,706
Like, in
the late 20s?
529
00:21:12,793 --> 00:21:14,011
Get out of my city.
530
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:15,926
You yuppie trash!
531
00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:17,363
Are you walking-- You wanna
walk across the street?
532
00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:18,668
I'm walking.Are you right now?
533
00:21:18,755 --> 00:21:21,280
Oh, really--
Were you gonna walk?
534
00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:23,369
Stupid...Oh yeah, let's just walk.
535
00:21:23,456 --> 00:21:25,936
Look how easy it is
to walk-- so easy.
536
00:21:26,023 --> 00:21:27,460
Die slow, Bitch!
37187
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