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1
00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:07,355
[whirring]
2
00:00:07,442 --> 00:00:10,749
[music playing]
3
00:00:10,836 --> 00:00:12,534
[computer alert beeping]
4
00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:15,624
Ab, Ab, Ab-- No
joke, today is the day
5
00:00:15,711 --> 00:00:17,582
we become Abbi and Ilana,
the boss bitches
6
00:00:17,669 --> 00:00:18,757
we are in our minds.
7
00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:19,976
Are you with me?
8
00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:25,025
Yeah, I'm with
you, awesome.
9
00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:25,938
Are you--
Is that the whole thing?
10
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,853
Obviously I have a plan.
11
00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:31,466
Tonight we are going to see a
secret pop-up Lil Wayne concert
12
00:00:31,553 --> 00:00:32,902
at Bowery Ballroom.
13
00:00:32,989 --> 00:00:35,209
I can't, I'm so broke. No excuses, girl.
14
00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:36,949
I'm getting big ol' balls
of mozzarella today.
15
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:37,950
Chea-- Get it!
16
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,822
Chea-- Harder.
17
00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:41,867
You're gonna have to speak
in English for me.
18
00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:43,739
I am getting my paycheck today
and I can spot you, bitch!
19
00:00:43,826 --> 00:00:45,654
I wish that I could,
20
00:00:45,741 --> 00:00:48,222
but I am so close to finishing
season one of "Damages,"
21
00:00:48,309 --> 00:00:51,181
and I made, this,
like, amazing cashew stir-fry
22
00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:53,227
for the week, so I'm
actually pretty booked.
23
00:00:53,314 --> 00:00:55,359
Stir-fry?
24
00:00:55,446 --> 00:00:57,622
Can I talk to the Abbi
who stole a van?
25
00:00:57,709 --> 00:01:00,234
Ab, you're so stuck
in your little routine.
26
00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:01,800
I bet you schedule when
you jack off.
27
00:01:01,887 --> 00:01:05,456
Schedule when I ja--[exhales deeply]
28
00:01:05,543 --> 00:01:07,371
Oh, my God.
29
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:08,546
Is that Lincoln?
30
00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:09,678
Yep.
31
00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:10,548
Is he inside
of you?
32
00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:12,028
Yep.
33
00:01:12,115 --> 00:01:13,464
I'm just
keeping him warm.
34
00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:14,857
All right-- Let's just set
some ground rules here
35
00:01:14,944 --> 00:01:16,511
for everybody involved.
36
00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:18,252
I don't want to
see you have sex.
37
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:19,818
Let's try and
avoid that.
38
00:01:19,905 --> 00:01:22,430
Lincoln, you seem well.
39
00:01:22,517 --> 00:01:23,996
Thank you-- I've been
doing this no-bread diet
40
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,911
and it's pretty good.
41
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:27,130
It's been working.
42
00:01:27,217 --> 00:01:28,566
All right--
I'm gonna head out, then.
43
00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:30,133
Peace, bye.
44
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:31,308
That was hot--
That was cool.
45
00:01:31,395 --> 00:01:33,049
That was like a threesome,
in a way.
46
00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:35,051
Uh, Ilana,
what are we doing?
47
00:01:35,138 --> 00:01:36,574
Are we just having sex,
hooking up?
48
00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:37,836
Are we dating?
49
00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:39,011
What is this?
50
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,276
This is purely
physical.
51
00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:44,191
Why does this
always happen to me?
52
00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:46,715
♪ Four and three and two
and one-one ♪
53
00:01:54,549 --> 00:01:56,551
[Abbi]
Climb--
Push it!
54
00:01:56,638 --> 00:01:57,813
Come on!
55
00:01:57,900 --> 00:01:58,640
Let's make some
magic here.
56
00:01:58,727 --> 00:02:00,250
Let's climb it.
57
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:01,817
Turn up that resistance--
Come on.
58
00:02:01,904 --> 00:02:03,340
Let's do this.
59
00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:05,821
Yes, climb.
60
00:02:05,908 --> 00:02:07,779
Yo, Abbi.Hey.
61
00:02:07,866 --> 00:02:09,738
Got something
for you.Okay.
62
00:02:09,825 --> 00:02:10,739
Big ol' clogged toilet
in the girls' room.
63
00:02:10,826 --> 00:02:12,610
It's pretty bad.
64
00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:13,742
You'll know it
when you see it.
65
00:02:13,829 --> 00:02:15,004
Thanks for
the heads-up, Tre.
66
00:02:15,091 --> 00:02:16,527
No problem--
Just do me a favor.
67
00:02:16,614 --> 00:02:17,311
Try not to make eye contact
with any members
68
00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:18,834
when you're
holding the plunger.
69
00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:20,314
Really bums 'em out.
70
00:02:20,401 --> 00:02:22,011
Well, I mean, what if
someone just, like, walks--
71
00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:30,889
[man]
Underwater massage?
72
00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,978
Yes-- Yes, that
sounds intense.
73
00:02:33,065 --> 00:02:34,197
Great job, killing it.
74
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,721
Who's got more
deals?
75
00:02:36,808 --> 00:02:38,288
Who else
has a deal for me?
76
00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:39,898
Ooh, Nicole, what's
your deal.
77
00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:42,771
I'm kind of obsessed with
these D-I-Y vajazzling seminars
78
00:02:42,858 --> 00:02:45,382
and I feel like they'd be a
really great fit for us.
79
00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:47,036
That is what
I'm talking about.
80
00:02:47,123 --> 00:02:48,733
Do you guys smell that?
81
00:02:48,820 --> 00:02:49,778
Come on, sniff
the air.
82
00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,040
Oh, what's that odor?
83
00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,346
I think it's the scent
of a deal.
84
00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:53,129
Who's got
more deals for me?
85
00:02:53,216 --> 00:02:55,000
Ooh, in the back,
Ilana.
86
00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:57,525
Dope sweatshirt--
What is your deal?
87
00:02:57,612 --> 00:03:00,745
I've been kind of obsessed
with getting paid
88
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:02,269
and I was wondering
if that's happening today
89
00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:05,097
so we could all
be paid.
90
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,709
Checks, unfortunately,
delayed 'til Friday.
91
00:03:07,796 --> 00:03:09,406
Bummer.
92
00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:11,060
F-M-L, right?
93
00:03:11,147 --> 00:03:13,062
Speaking of F-M-L,
went on a third date
94
00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:14,498
with that girl from
Match.com,
95
00:03:14,585 --> 00:03:16,065
to keep you guys updated,
96
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:17,849
third time, went for the kiss,
third time rejected,
97
00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:21,679
but I'll try--
I'll get it.
98
00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:23,333
Let's get
back to our desks.
99
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,162
Deals don't make
themselves.
100
00:03:26,249 --> 00:03:30,297
[Ilana]
Bonjour, petit Wayne.
101
00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:32,124
I am a genius.
102
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,604
[man]
Not so much--
Right, buddy?
103
00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:35,606
That's the look of a
dealer right there.
104
00:03:35,693 --> 00:03:36,999
If I was in Las Vegas,
I'd assume you could
105
00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:38,305
move the table limit.
106
00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:43,397
That's how much of a
dealer you are.
107
00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:44,833
Ilana.Ooh.
108
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,227
Come on,
this is not work.
109
00:03:47,314 --> 00:03:48,880
Oh... Okay,
I'll take lunch.
110
00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:50,491
Please...
111
00:03:50,578 --> 00:03:57,454
Come back today.
112
00:03:57,541 --> 00:03:58,542
Oh!
113
00:03:58,629 --> 00:03:59,804
Ilana.
114
00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:03,068
Don't Black Swan me
like that, dude.
115
00:04:03,155 --> 00:04:04,592
Okay, what are
you even doing here?
116
00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:06,463
Nothing-- Just strolling
through the neighborhood
117
00:04:06,550 --> 00:04:07,421
and wanted to
see my number one.
118
00:04:07,508 --> 00:04:09,031
Oh, really?
119
00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:11,425
Okay, listen-- I really
think that you deserve--Hey.
120
00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:13,470
Sorry, I forgot
about the line.
121
00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:15,342
I'll see you in the
second-class citizen area.
122
00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:17,082
It's called the non-member
pen and you know that.
123
00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:18,867
Ew--
Listen to yourself.
124
00:04:18,954 --> 00:04:22,349
I think you deserve like an
Abbi Bueller's day off.
125
00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:24,002
I can't just leave work
in the middle of the day.
126
00:04:24,089 --> 00:04:26,004
Yes, you can--
You just lie and leave.
127
00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:27,876
All they let you do is
fold towels, anyway.
128
00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,269
No, they don't.
129
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,748
They let me do a
lot more than that.
130
00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:34,012
I wash the towels and then
I dry the towels.
131
00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:36,493
Great... to see you.
132
00:04:36,580 --> 00:04:38,669
Good friend?Uh-huh, yeah,
she's great.
133
00:04:38,756 --> 00:04:40,932
Also, any day now, a
trainer's gonna be absent
134
00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:45,589
and guess who they're gonna
invite to instruct a class.
135
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,112
I would love for that to
happen, but it's just not.
136
00:04:47,199 --> 00:04:48,723
They don't respect you.
137
00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:49,680
Oh, thank God, Abbi,
there you are.
138
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:51,203
Tre.
139
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,466
Thank God.We really need
you, buddy.
140
00:04:52,553 --> 00:04:53,728
Yes, I'm prepared.
141
00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:56,165
So...
142
00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:58,472
We got another pube situation
in the women's locker room.
143
00:04:58,559 --> 00:04:59,908
Yeah-- Somebody
really went to town
144
00:04:59,995 --> 00:05:01,039
in the second shower
stall.
145
00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:02,389
And if you
need the snake,
146
00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:03,128
it's probably wherever
you last left it.
147
00:05:03,215 --> 00:05:04,913
I know
where it is, so.
148
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,697
You know, you should just
label it "Abbi's snake,"
149
00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:08,003
you're so good with it.I don't know if
I wanna...
150
00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:11,049
Seriously.
151
00:05:11,136 --> 00:05:12,747
Okay, Abbi,
come on.
152
00:05:12,834 --> 00:05:13,835
Can I get a little more
positivity from you, please?
153
00:05:13,922 --> 00:05:14,966
I'll clean it.
154
00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:16,054
You can be positive,
right?
155
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:20,320
I know you
can be positive.
156
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:21,495
Yeah, you know
what?
157
00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:22,539
You know,
I can be positive,
158
00:05:22,626 --> 00:05:24,628
because I actually
might be positive.
159
00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:26,282
I'm dealing with some
pretty scary test results
160
00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:27,631
that are at a clinic
right now
161
00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:29,851
and I have to get
'em, but I'm at work.
162
00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:32,593
I mean, I might be positive in
a blood situation, so...
163
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:33,855
Is it herpes?
164
00:05:33,942 --> 00:05:35,291
No, it's not.
165
00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:38,773
Genital warts.No.
166
00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:39,817
Oh, my God.
167
00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:41,210
Abbi.
168
00:05:41,297 --> 00:05:42,254
Is it the big one?
169
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,126
It could be
the big one.
170
00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:45,170
Abbi, you gotta get
those results!
171
00:05:45,257 --> 00:05:46,476
I gotta get
the pubes.
172
00:05:46,563 --> 00:05:47,956
Don't worry
about the pubes, Abbi.
173
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:49,740
Get your results.
174
00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:53,265
Blaise, there you are--
Would you get to class?
175
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,354
Abbi.
176
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:55,703
Let me know
if you have AIDS.
177
00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:58,009
You'll be the first one
that I tell.
178
00:05:58,096 --> 00:05:59,489
When I find out.
179
00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:11,066
♪♪
180
00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:13,895
Okay, so tickets
are 50 each.
181
00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:16,158
Obviously, we
need an eighth.Ok.
182
00:06:16,245 --> 00:06:19,640
Plus drinks, that's like
200 bucks total.
183
00:06:19,727 --> 00:06:21,685
And since Todd wouldn't
give me my paycheck.
184
00:06:21,772 --> 00:06:23,426
Girl!
185
00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,950
You took all of
his office supplies.
186
00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:28,562
Listen, what I do
at my place of work
187
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:30,346
is none of your goddamn
business, okay?
188
00:06:30,433 --> 00:06:34,132
Okay, I think you really
need to be fired really soon.I know.
189
00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:37,135
["What a Wonderful World"
playing]
190
00:06:37,222 --> 00:06:38,441
Oh, I love this song.
191
00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:41,009
Ugh--
This is a slave song.
192
00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:42,532
It's not
a slave song.
193
00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:43,707
Yes, it is.
194
00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:45,187
It's widely known
by the Black community
195
00:06:45,274 --> 00:06:47,624
that "What a Wonderful World"
is, like, a slave song.
196
00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:48,843
Right, right, right, I
totally forgot that you're,
197
00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:51,106
like, the voice of the whole
Black community.
198
00:06:51,193 --> 00:06:52,499
It's a thing--
Google it.
199
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:54,196
It's in
a Fugees song.
200
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,241
Wyclef's like, "And I think
to myself."
201
00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:58,026
He's like
angry about it.
202
00:06:58,113 --> 00:07:00,028
I feel like all we ever talk
about is Black people
203
00:07:00,115 --> 00:07:02,334
and slaver...y...
204
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:03,901
Hi.
205
00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:05,686
I would like to
return these items.
206
00:07:05,773 --> 00:07:06,948
I once owned them
personally,
207
00:07:07,035 --> 00:07:10,473
but I have no
use for them now, so.
208
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:14,129
Your total comes
to $135.67.
209
00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:16,740
Yes!Shit-- Yes!
210
00:07:16,827 --> 00:07:18,568
Oh.
211
00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:22,442
You know, we'd love
to get that in liquid cash.Yeah.
212
00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:26,924
Okay.
213
00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:28,839
Okay, what about
my fishbowl of change?
214
00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:30,580
There's got to be, like, 30
or 40 bucks in there?
215
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,147
Can you leave?
216
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:35,846
Yeah, we're gonna--We're ending
the convo.
217
00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:40,851
♪♪
218
00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:43,419
Justin, Justin, there's
a sniper there-- Oh!
219
00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:45,029
I just
told you that!
220
00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:46,944
Oh, my God.
221
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:48,076
Hey, guys.
222
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:49,643
Hey.Yo.
223
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,427
What gun are
you using?
224
00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:54,299
Ah, you got
the variable zoom on that.
225
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:55,997
Oh, I'll have to check
that out.
226
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:58,652
Sorry, Ilana, all that
cheese you wanted is gone.
227
00:07:58,739 --> 00:08:01,698
It looks like somebody
ate it all.
228
00:08:01,785 --> 00:08:02,786
That sucks.
229
00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:04,092
Cheese is dope.
230
00:08:04,179 --> 00:08:06,790
Uh-oh, UAV inbound
courtesy of yours truly.
231
00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:08,966
[with funny voice]
You're welcome.
232
00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:10,664
Hey, Bevers.
233
00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:14,450
So I noticed that you
ate all of my cheese again.
234
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:15,582
Could you not
do that?
235
00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:16,539
Or maybe
get more?
236
00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:17,845
I'm sorry.
237
00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:19,586
I actually didn't realize
it was your cheese.
238
00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:21,283
I labeled
it pretty clearly.
239
00:08:21,370 --> 00:08:23,067
Mm-hmm, I see.
240
00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:25,896
Maybe in the future if you do
that, put it on, like--
241
00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:29,117
Like, all six sides
of the cheese brick.
242
00:08:29,204 --> 00:08:31,075
Yeah.
243
00:08:31,162 --> 00:08:32,729
Well, maybe you can
just restock it, then?
244
00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:34,296
I can put on some sweats and
run out if you want me to.
245
00:08:34,383 --> 00:08:35,253
Yeah, okay.Or, you know...
246
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:36,472
[laughing]
247
00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:37,517
I'm not talking
to you!
248
00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:38,474
I'm talking
to my roommate!
249
00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:39,954
You're not my
roommate.
250
00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:41,651
You're my
roommate's boyfriend.What?
251
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:44,045
Oh, also,
the toilet's clogged.
252
00:08:44,132 --> 00:08:45,829
My bad.
253
00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:47,701
You know, I think I'm
lactose intolerant.
254
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:49,746
Good thing you ate
all that cheese.
255
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,835
You know that there's a
plunger in the bathroom.
256
00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:52,749
It's right next
to the toilet.
257
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:54,185
It's like,
right within...
258
00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:55,752
I do know that, but I
also know that you told me
259
00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:57,841
not to touch your stuff
in the bathroom.
260
00:08:57,928 --> 00:08:58,712
Right.
261
00:08:58,799 --> 00:08:59,713
That's
my mistake.
262
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,105
Yeah.You disgust me.
263
00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:03,368
What?
264
00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:05,545
Oh-- Sergeant
first class!
265
00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:07,851
I just
ranked up, Abbi!
266
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:10,637
Yes, I placed
the Jewess ad.
267
00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:13,161
Both of us are
over 18, yeah.
268
00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:14,858
Under 18, I said.
269
00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:16,599
We're both under 18,
we're young teens--
270
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:19,254
Hello?
271
00:09:19,341 --> 00:09:23,127
Goddammit.
272
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:26,914
Okay.
273
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:30,352
♪ At the bottom of
the ocean ♪
274
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:34,225
Hey, somebody
left a dank turd--
275
00:09:34,312 --> 00:09:37,141
Oh, my God.
276
00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:38,360
You still have your
performance bib, right?
277
00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:40,318
Yeah, duh.
278
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,712
This is gonna make a dent
in the Weezy fund, dude.
279
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,584
Huge dent.
[man]
Did you call me?
280
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,716
No, Matt, I didn't
call you!
281
00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:47,935
It's like, why
would we call you?
282
00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:50,851
It's like he's constantly
in my face.
283
00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:52,330
It kills me that he lives
here and doesn't pay a cent.
284
00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:56,900
I feel dirtier when I leave
the shower because his hair--
285
00:09:56,987 --> 00:09:59,381
his hair is, like,
all over my body.
286
00:09:59,468 --> 00:10:01,949
It's like I have to see
your dick in your shorts.God!
287
00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:06,823
You know, one side is
always gonna be hamstrung
288
00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:08,564
by the other side's
Congress, you know?
289
00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,305
It just doesn't matter--
We're done.
290
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:11,611
We're done
as a country.
291
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:18,966
Matt, did you just
call me?
292
00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:21,403
[clattering]
293
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,802
[in slow motion]
Jeremy.
294
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:33,415
♪♪
295
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:34,938
♪ The sun ♪
296
00:10:35,025 --> 00:10:37,506
♪ The sun blows
over the sea ♪
297
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:38,768
[normal time]
Hey, Abbi.
298
00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:40,770
[still in slow motion]
Hey...
299
00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,250
Making up a batch of
my famous peppercorn
300
00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:43,730
and cardamom cider beer.
301
00:10:43,817 --> 00:10:45,645
I'm not gonna
finish it all myself.
302
00:10:45,732 --> 00:10:48,691
You need someone
else.
303
00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:53,522
We're making
eye contact.
304
00:10:53,609 --> 00:10:55,872
You'll let me
know, then?
305
00:10:55,959 --> 00:10:58,527
Your arms...
306
00:11:00,529 --> 00:11:02,139
[man in slow motion]
Abbi...
307
00:11:02,226 --> 00:11:04,925
Abbi...
308
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:06,535
Abbi!
309
00:11:06,622 --> 00:11:07,754
Thank God
I caught you.
310
00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:08,885
And that
you're in gym shorts.
311
00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:10,408
Mm-hmm.
312
00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:13,411
Anyway, just so you know,
we need toilet paper.
313
00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:15,631
Oh, we need it--
We do?
314
00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:16,893
Well, if
you don't mind,
315
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:18,808
I mean, since you're
going out anyway.
316
00:11:18,895 --> 00:11:19,940
Is there anything
else that I can get you,
317
00:11:20,027 --> 00:11:20,767
maybe, when I'm out?
318
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,333
Well, I
wasn't gonna ask
319
00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:26,120
but I have been hankering
for something sweet.
320
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,643
Like a hot cookie?
321
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:29,471
Soft but
not moist.
322
00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:32,909
Or, surprise me!
323
00:11:32,996 --> 00:11:36,696
Kill you in your sleep,
how's that for a surprise?
324
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:40,830
Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes.
325
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,484
I got a special delivery
for you, Ilana.
326
00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:44,007
Thank you
so much, I--
327
00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:46,575
I brought your
beautiful thing, too.
Oh.
328
00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:49,056
Jaime, you are the best roommate
and best friend I've ever had.
329
00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:51,145
When you're ready
to become a citizen,
330
00:11:51,232 --> 00:11:52,886
my legs are
wide open.
331
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:55,584
I don't think that's how
it works, but thank you.
332
00:11:55,671 --> 00:11:57,804
Jaime, Himmels, Hymes--
How are you?
333
00:11:57,891 --> 00:12:00,850
Good.Are you stoned
right now?
334
00:12:00,937 --> 00:12:03,070
Yeah.Good, so regarding the pot...
335
00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:06,073
Mmm-hmm.we can get you
that 60 bucks ASAP.
336
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,249
Okay.Or...
337
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:12,340
this Office Warehouse
giftcard has $135 on it.
338
00:12:12,427 --> 00:12:15,082
Whoa.I know, it's like, what
do they even have there?
339
00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:16,997
Only any office supply
known to man.
340
00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:18,999
I mean, I think
they even have food now.
341
00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:20,261
Oh, yeah--
No, I'll take it.
342
00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:21,349
There's like,
lamps.
343
00:12:21,436 --> 00:12:22,567
Please--Tons of stuff.
344
00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:23,481
Give it to me.
345
00:12:23,568 --> 00:12:24,700
Yeah--
That's good...
346
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:27,224
Trade?I'll take it.
347
00:12:27,311 --> 00:12:29,313
Yes.Yes.
348
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,793
[warming up voice]
Bah, bah,
black sheep.
349
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,795
Dude, the card worked.Yes.
350
00:12:32,882 --> 00:12:34,884
Now we only
need 140.
351
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:36,190
Easy, we're done.We're doing it, dude,
352
00:12:36,277 --> 00:12:37,278
we're getting there.
353
00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:38,583
Is that Lincoln?
354
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:40,803
[straw squeaks]
355
00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:44,938
Why is he doing this
to me before curtain?
356
00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:47,244
[warming up voice]
Bah, bah,
black sheep.
357
00:12:47,331 --> 00:12:48,289
Lincoln, why are
you here?
358
00:12:48,376 --> 00:12:49,899
No offense.
359
00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:51,074
I saw your tweet,
so I wanted to stop by,
360
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:52,902
but I wanted to respect
your space.
361
00:12:52,989 --> 00:12:54,034
That's why
I'm hanging back.
362
00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:55,122
That's cool.
363
00:12:55,209 --> 00:12:57,167
I respect you
respecting me.
364
00:12:57,254 --> 00:12:58,778
Yeah?
365
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:01,084
I'm gonna respect
your dick later.
366
00:13:03,173 --> 00:13:04,958
[tapping]
367
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:06,960
Yeah!
368
00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:11,616
Weekdays are tough.It's early for lunch.
369
00:13:13,444 --> 00:13:16,099
They just need time to find
the audience, you know?
370
00:13:16,186 --> 00:13:17,100
The first
season of "Seinfeld,"
371
00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:18,885
not that many people
saw that show,
372
00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:21,278
but it got
time to grow.
373
00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:23,846
Yeah.
374
00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:26,109
Oh, we got
a fan.
375
00:13:26,196 --> 00:13:29,286
We got a fan,
hey, hey, hey.
376
00:13:29,373 --> 00:13:32,115
Me and Ilana, we really
don't like to use labels.
377
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:33,856
We try to be more
progressive.
378
00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:35,945
We have a
real connection.
379
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:43,039
Oh, she's break dancing,
that's cool.
380
00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:46,695
All right,
let's pick it up.
381
00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:48,392
Who teaches
the bucket drummers?
382
00:13:48,479 --> 00:13:52,614
I never seen a bucket drummer
class listed anywhere.
383
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:57,227
[clapping, cheering]
384
00:13:57,314 --> 00:13:59,882
She should be
giving us, like, 25%.
385
00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:01,188
We can't do this
anymore.
386
00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:02,319
This is insane.
387
00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:03,451
We're like--Where'd the music go?
388
00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:04,974
[crowd]
Boo!
389
00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:06,628
Are you
kidding me?
390
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,586
No-- She wouldn't even have
anything to dance to
391
00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:09,849
if it wasn't for us!
392
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,415
[man]
You suck!
393
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:14,592
What--
Shut up!
394
00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:16,072
All right.
395
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:18,727
You come out and
you try to do some good.
396
00:14:18,814 --> 00:14:22,252
Stop!
Grow up!
397
00:14:22,339 --> 00:14:25,603
I just don't understand why
she took the fishbowl.
398
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:28,258
I would have
given it to her.
399
00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:30,870
Homeless people need supplies,
I don't know.I know.
400
00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:33,611
And we need 90 bucks
in two hours
401
00:14:33,698 --> 00:14:35,352
and you need to
get stoned, I need your...90 bucks-- Okay.
402
00:14:35,439 --> 00:14:37,441
crazy brain, man.
403
00:14:37,528 --> 00:14:38,834
[phone vibrating]You know what, Ilana,
I rag on you all the time,
404
00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:40,227
but you're right,
like, I needed to
405
00:14:40,314 --> 00:14:41,576
get out of my
element today.Hello?
406
00:14:41,663 --> 00:14:45,232
I needed it.
407
00:14:45,319 --> 00:14:46,450
It was nice of
you to have my back--
408
00:14:46,537 --> 00:14:48,148
Jesus.
409
00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:49,192
Thank you for
this opportunity.
410
00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:51,281
We'll see you in
30 minutes or less.
411
00:14:51,368 --> 00:14:52,195
Bye-bye, sir.
412
00:14:52,282 --> 00:14:54,197
What?
413
00:14:54,284 --> 00:14:55,242
Okay, I had a backup plan
on the low this whole time
414
00:14:55,329 --> 00:14:57,070
and it's coming up,
it's happening.
415
00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:58,071
We are gonna
make this money
416
00:14:58,158 --> 00:14:59,594
and I'll buy you a
new piggy bank,
417
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:02,336
a legit piggy bank.
418
00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:04,555
What is it?Come on.
419
00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:05,643
Ilana, this is
really good pot.
420
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:06,644
It's PCP.
421
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,298
What?
422
00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:13,303
♪♪
423
00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:16,176
[knocking]
424
00:15:21,485 --> 00:15:23,183
Okay.
425
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:24,445
I'm gonna start
taking my clothes off now.
426
00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:25,620
Wait, what?
427
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:26,969
Yeah.
428
00:15:27,056 --> 00:15:28,318
This is all part
of the deal.
429
00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:30,103
What the fuck, Ilana...
430
00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:35,064
We're just two gals, cleaning
in our underwear for an hour.
431
00:15:35,151 --> 00:15:36,326
What "gals"?
432
00:15:36,413 --> 00:15:37,980
We?Us gals.
433
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:38,807
I'm not doing
that, dude.
434
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,069
Shh, shh, shhh...What?
435
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:43,246
Why are you
shushing me?
436
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,422
♪♪
437
00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:47,337
No.
438
00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:49,165
♪ Our treasure
pleasure leisure, leisure ♪
439
00:15:49,252 --> 00:15:50,732
♪ It's all in your eyes ♪
440
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:58,087
Ilana, I'm not gonna clean
this man's apartment,
441
00:15:58,174 --> 00:16:00,307
touch his things,
in my underwear.
442
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:02,613
This is the last
thing, we are so close.
443
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:05,181
We are gonna be
friends with Weezy.
444
00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:07,836
I'm gonna fuck him, dude.
445
00:16:07,923 --> 00:16:10,665
Who's Weezy?Lil Wayne!
446
00:16:10,752 --> 00:16:12,493
This is
the whole thing!
447
00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:17,237
Listen, it is for one hour
and he's giving us $200.
448
00:16:17,324 --> 00:16:19,282
No, I can't--
This is gross.
449
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:20,675
What would you be
doing instead?
450
00:16:20,762 --> 00:16:23,025
Watching "Breaking Bad"
and eating a Smart Ones?
451
00:16:23,112 --> 00:16:24,635
Okay, it's a
cashew stir-fry
452
00:16:24,722 --> 00:16:26,637
and I was, like, really
looking forward to it.
453
00:16:26,724 --> 00:16:28,900
I don't want
to hear it, okay.
454
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:32,469
You're losing your edge and
I wasn't gonna say anything,
455
00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:35,081
but you're not as fun
as you used to be.
456
00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:38,127
Guess I'll clean this
dude's apartment on my own.
457
00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:45,526
[Lil Wayne's
"A Milli" playing]
458
00:16:45,613 --> 00:16:46,962
♪ Yeah ♪
459
00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:49,138
♪ Mack I'm gonna ♪
460
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:50,574
♪ A millionaire ♪
461
00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:52,576
♪ I'm a Young Money
millionaire ♪
462
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:55,101
♪ Tougher
than Nigerian hair ♪
463
00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:58,495
♪ My criteria compared to your
career just isn't fair ♪
464
00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:01,629
♪ I'm a venereal disease
like a menstrual bleed ♪
465
00:17:01,716 --> 00:17:03,544
♪ Through the pencil
I leak on the sheet ♪
466
00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:05,546
♪ Of the tablet in my mind ♪
467
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,635
♪ 'Cause I don't write shit
'cause I ain't got time ♪
468
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:09,115
♪ 'Cause my
seconds minutes hours ♪
469
00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:10,899
♪ Go to the almighty dollar ♪
470
00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:12,074
♪ And the almighty-- ♪
471
00:17:12,161 --> 00:17:13,119
Okay,
hour's up, man.
472
00:17:13,206 --> 00:17:14,511
[Ilana]
Party's over, dude.
473
00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:15,599
Money, please.
474
00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:16,861
I'm sowwy.
475
00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:17,906
I don't have any.
476
00:17:17,993 --> 00:17:18,907
Are you joking
right now?
477
00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:21,040
I'm a wittle baby.
478
00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:23,607
Uh... No, you're
a full grown man.
479
00:17:23,694 --> 00:17:25,522
I'm a baby,
I have no money!
480
00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:27,002
You owe us $200.
481
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,395
We just cleaned
for an hour.
482
00:17:28,482 --> 00:17:29,918
I don't do
that at my house.
483
00:17:30,005 --> 00:17:31,006
Thank you
for cleaning.
484
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:31,963
No, no, no.What?
485
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,356
No thank you.No, no.
486
00:17:33,443 --> 00:17:36,185
I just degraded
my friend for you
487
00:17:36,272 --> 00:17:37,317
and I thought we were
gonna be paid.
488
00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:39,101
I can pay
you in blocks?
489
00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:40,450
You're not a baby,
you're a man!
490
00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:42,670
No.
491
00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:43,975
I'm a baby.
492
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:44,933
Oh, yeah...
You're a baby?
493
00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:46,630
Does baby like
this, huh?
494
00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:49,546
♪♪
495
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:53,376
Babies do not
read books yet!
496
00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:55,726
Are you a baby if
you wear a hat?
497
00:17:55,813 --> 00:17:57,511
Full coat with fur?
498
00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,382
Babies don't have
little... babies!
499
00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:01,254
You want tissues
to wipe your asshole?
500
00:18:01,341 --> 00:18:02,559
'Cause you're a baby?
501
00:18:02,646 --> 00:18:06,172
[groaning]
502
00:18:06,259 --> 00:18:08,696
Coat racks aren't
for babies.
503
00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:11,090
Marbles.
504
00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:12,700
Uh-oh.
505
00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:14,876
[laughing]
506
00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:16,051
What?
507
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:17,357
Look.
508
00:18:17,444 --> 00:18:19,228
I'm looking.Yeah, we saw, dude.
509
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:20,838
I hope I never see
this again.
510
00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:22,710
I don't
even know.
511
00:18:22,797 --> 00:18:24,146
All right, all right, careful
of the marbles.
512
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:28,150
So I'm gonna grab this,
'cause babies don't like fur.
513
00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:29,369
Are you my fwends?
514
00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,153
No.
515
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:35,897
[phone ringing
and vibrating]
516
00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:40,119
This is David.
517
00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:42,904
Is the flight delayed?
518
00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:44,471
Was the flight delayed?
519
00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:47,387
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
520
00:18:47,474 --> 00:18:49,258
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
521
00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:50,738
Lil Wayne's so short, though,
522
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:52,914
that we weren't even gonna
be able to see him
523
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:54,568
from where
we would have sat.
524
00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:56,091
I don't think I even would
have recognized him.
525
00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:57,788
I don't know
who this guy is.
526
00:18:57,875 --> 00:19:00,835
You know, I read that he's
actually better pre-recorded.
527
00:19:00,922 --> 00:19:02,228
I just didn't want to say
anything 'cause I wanted to go.
528
00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:03,794
These spaces
are so small,
529
00:19:03,881 --> 00:19:06,623
like, we would be so close
to so many strangers
530
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:07,929
we don't know.
531
00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:10,105
Drinks are, like, so
expensive and tiny, like--
532
00:19:10,192 --> 00:19:10,975
Oh, my God,
double...
533
00:19:11,062 --> 00:19:12,977
Crap.
534
00:19:13,064 --> 00:19:14,501
Do you know me, how I have
to pee, like, constantly?
535
00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:15,589
We would be standing
in line the whole concert.
536
00:19:15,676 --> 00:19:18,331
The whole time, we would
be standing in a line.
537
00:19:18,418 --> 00:19:20,028
Ugh.
538
00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:22,726
Tomorrow's gonna be
the day, like, I know it,
539
00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:26,687
that we're gonna look back and
be like, that was the day!
540
00:19:26,774 --> 00:19:30,430
I know that tomorrow...
tomorrow's totally the day.
541
00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:32,171
Like, I'm so confident
in myself,
542
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:33,607
I feel it
in my heart.
543
00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:35,826
I'm confident myself
in the day.
544
00:19:35,913 --> 00:19:37,567
Yes...
Yeah!
545
00:19:37,654 --> 00:19:40,788
I believe in us.
Hyah-- Yeah!
546
00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:44,574
Yes, dude!Dude, I would follow you
into hell, brother.
547
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:47,838
I would take you on
my shoulders, like,
548
00:19:47,925 --> 00:19:53,757
I'd strap you up and I'd be
like, "Let's go through hell."
549
00:19:53,844 --> 00:19:56,238
Should we go to...Mm-hmm.
550
00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:57,457
the subway.
551
00:19:57,544 --> 00:19:59,372
We'll give you
some privacy.
552
00:20:02,853 --> 00:20:05,943
[knocking]
553
00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:07,771
Enjoy your office supplies,
my friend.
554
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:09,033
They even
have food now.
555
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,252
Crazy, right?
556
00:20:10,339 --> 00:20:12,472
Okay...
Okay, cha-cha.
557
00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:15,997
Good.
558
00:20:16,084 --> 00:20:20,001
Ah.
559
00:20:20,088 --> 00:20:22,482
Please. Help me.
560
00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:24,527
Ay, mi amor,
what happened to you?
561
00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:28,488
[computer alert beeping]
562
00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:29,576
Oh, yeah.
563
00:20:29,663 --> 00:20:30,794
What the hell--
What is this?
564
00:20:30,881 --> 00:20:32,796
Oh,
it's happening.
565
00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:33,928
[coughing]
566
00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:35,582
Why are we doing
this right now?
567
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:36,800
Hymes, you can go.
568
00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:38,498
She got me.
569
00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:40,282
I don't got her--
I'm not there with you.
570
00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:42,806
Leave me one,
leave me one.
571
00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:46,680
Okay.
572
00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:48,203
Ilana, we drank
the same amount.
573
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:50,031
I'm so sorry.
574
00:20:50,118 --> 00:20:51,641
I always do this.
575
00:20:51,728 --> 00:20:54,078
It's fine, everyone
has nights like this.
576
00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:55,036
Just, if you feel like
you're gonna throw up,
577
00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:56,080
just give
me a heads up.
578
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:57,865
[vomits]
579
00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,172
You wanna come over
and hang out?
580
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,000
We just got pizza.
581
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:04,654
What kind?
39947
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