All language subtitles for Two Way Stretch (1960).eng

[drumroll]

[triumphant music playing]

[frivolous music playing]

[gentle music playing]

[frivolous music playing]

[whistles]

[whistles]

Seven o'clock.
Old Harry's marvelous, isn't he?

Always bang on time, winter or summer.

Look at that.
That's that ordinary milk again.

They know we always have gold top.

Yeah, well, never mind, mate.

Here we are, then.

Milk, butter, eggs.

All right, all right. French bread.

[gentle music playing]

Dodger. Dodger.

-Hmm?
-Papers, Dodger?

Oh, ta. Ta.

[Jelly humming]

[sighs]

Close the window, mate.

There's a bit of a George Raft coming in.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dodge.

One or two eggs, Dodge?

Uh, no, thank you, Jelly.

I feel a bit umpty

after that trifle
you knocked out last night.

Yeah, I told him to go easy on the sherry.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dodger, mate.

Didn't look all that rich to me.

Hello. I see the bottom's dropped
right out of Colonial Cocoa.

When you knock off any money, lads,

never put it on the stock exchange.

It'll turn it all to nothing.

Don't you worry. I won't. [chuckles]

You know, you do look a bit seedy
this morning, Dodge.

Hmm?

What about a nice drop
of brandy in your tea?

That's a very sound idea, Lennie.

That's a very sound idea.

-All right.
-Yeah, I like it.

[radio DJ] Our first request
comes from Mrs. Price

of Cobblers Road, London E2.

Hey, that's my mom!
Hey, would you believe it?

[radio DJ] Morning, Mrs. Price.
Hope you're listening.

Mrs. Price wants me to play a record
for her son Lennie,

-Oh, isn't that nice of Mom, eh?
-his pals Dodger and Jelly,

and all his other friends.

They're all working hard in a hush-hush
government establishment

-somewhere in the country.
-[laughing]

So, for Lennie and his friends,

here is his mother's choice,
"Don't Fence Me In".

-Oh.
-She did it right, didn't she?

"Don't Fence Me In".

Very subtle sense of humor.

Hey, Dodge, that's my mom's request.

-Oh, now?
-Can we have it on again?

Do you mind, mate?
I've got a terrible head.

-Oh, please, Dodge, eh?
-No!

Don't argue, Lennie.

-[knock on door]
-Who is it?

[man] It's only me.

Oh, come in, Chief. It ain't locked.

-[Jelly] Morning, Chief.
-[chuckles] Good morning.

I'm sorry to bother you lads
while you're having your breakfast.

That's all right, Chief. Fancy a cuppa?

Oh. Thanks very much. [chuckles]

I'm not robbing you, am I?

No, mate. What's ours is yours,
you know that.

[coughs]

Mmm! That's good.

You know, I always say
this is the only place in the whole prison

where you get a really decent cup of tea.

Well, he got a real three-star one there,
hadn't he, Lennie?

Yeah. [chuckles]

Anything else we can do for you, Chiefie?

Oh, well, I just wondered if you'd mind

popping down to the rock quarry, uh--

[bowl clatters]

Well, a little later.

-To do what?
-Now, now, now, don't get excited.

The governor wants a few
nice nobbly bits of stone

for his rockery, that's all.

Oh. You had me worried for a minute.

Well, I must be off.

Here, Chief?

Do you mind putting Strangeways out
on your way down?

-Not at all. Come on, puss, puss, puss.
-Get him, Lennie.

-Come on, then, puss, puss.
-[Lennie] Go on, then.

[Chief] All right. Come on, then.

Oh, by the way, you better get a move on.

Rehabilitation classes
are starting bang on time today.

The old man has got another
of his parties coming around.

That's nice, isn't it?
Who is it this time?

Oh, the Ladies' League
of Prison Reform or something.

[Chief] Come on, puss.
You come along with me. [chuckles]

-Here we are.
-Ain't it marvelous?

We can't wait to get out,
and the buck-teeth and bloomers brigade

-can't wait to get in.
-[chuckles]

That's enough of that.

I'm so glad you've
let me bring the members

of my committee to look over your prison,
Commander Bennett.

It's a pleasure, ma'am.

From what we hear,

if only some of the other prison governors

were as far seeing
and progressive as you are, [chuckles]

our work would hardly be necessary.

Oh, kind of you to say so, ma'am.

When society overcrowds
these lads three in a cell,

that's not the end of it, you know.

-I'm sure of that.
-Can't leave them to rot.

Teach them a trade, something honest

they can turn their hands to
when they get out.

But isn't there a shortage of instructors?

Never felt the need of them.

I get my instructors from
the prisoners themselves.

Oh, really?

[Bennett] Oh, yes, yes.
We got all trades here.

You know, you'll be amazed
at how keen they are to help each other.

-And you find that works?
-Judge for yourselves, ladies.

-You'll see in a minute.
-[knock on door]

Come in.

Rehabilitation class
is ready for inspection, sir.

Ah, thank you, Lane. Hm.

This is Lane, one of my trustees.

-Good morning.
-Good morning, Lane.

Good morning, ladies.

There's not much goes on in here, Lane,

that you're not
interested in, is there, eh?

Oh, we take things as we find them,
you know, sir.

[laughing]

Well, now, ladies,
shall we see the gardens first?

-[ladies] Yes. That would be darling.
-[woman] Thanks.

-Come this way.
-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.
-Thank you.

I've got the, er,
leaders' report for you, sir.

Oh, just put them on my desk, Lane.

Yes, sir.

[jolly music playing]

[man]
Ah, come on, me little darlin'. That's it!

Eights be pointin'. Eights be pointin'.

[man] Ah, the little…
Come on, then, me little darling.

-Ah, come on!
-[Lane] Here! Governor.

Stand by your plants.

Very popular, these gardening activities.

We're hoping for great things
at the county show.

Now, I'd like to show you
something of mine.

Oh, there's a prizewinner
if ever I saw one!

Oh, I've never seen one so big.

[Bennett] Yes, I brought this on myself.

[woman] Oh, you must be very proud.

[Bennett] Oh, indeed I am, ma'am.

-Now then, um…
-Look at those lovely blooms.

[Bennett] Oh.

Ah, yes, Lane has the seeds sent in
specially from abroad.

What a lovely smell. What are they?

These are nicotiana snoutus virginius,
lady, what are flowers.

Smells very much like tobacco to me.

They whiff at night
something lovely, they do.

Mind you, lady,
we got so many niffs around this joint,

you never know what you're smelling.
[chuckles]

[laughter]

Here, uh, come and have a niff at
the governor's Betty Uprichard over here.

That's his second pride and joy, that one.

Oh, lovely.

Hand-reared, as they say in the navy.
Lovely, isn't it?

All right, lads,
now you got it so far. Right.

Now I'll explain to you the details--

Stand by for governor's rounds.

Come on. Get a move on here, fellas.

Carry on with what you're doing, lads.

-Thank you. [laughs]
-Here we are.

-Isn't it fascinating?
-A little more.

-Oh, their sweetness.
-Come over here.

[woman] Most interesting.

Oh! Very nice.

I'm so glad you're having
cultural subjects

as well as mere vocational training,
Commander.

Oh, yes, yes, indeed, madam.

Man cannot live by bread alone.

Though we have our own bakery, of course.

[woman laughs]

-[woman] How splendid.
-[Bennett] Now an appreciation for arts

-forms a very important…
-[raspy voice] Hello, darlin'.

…and crafts, too.
Take pottery, for example, now.

-Just come this way.
-[woman] Yes, sir.

-Pottery.
-Yes.

Oh, really! Governor's going too far.

[woman] Certainly.

Harold. Harold, whatever possessed you?

Three button-holes in a two-button suit?

Oh, never mind. I'll cut out another coat.

Listen, man, you mad?
You think we're made of money here?

-This is the tailoring department.
-Is it?

Oh, madam, if I may be
permitted the liberty.

-Please step in.
-Do you… do you like the ensemble, sir?

Oh, yes, very, uh, nice.

-It's my going-home suit.
-Oh, yes, I'd forgotten.

You and your friends
are due out pretty soon, now, eh?

I wonder, sir, if I might be permitted,

and point out the salient features.

You'll notice here
the hand basting on the lapel.

Of course, madam,
it's not generally known,

but in the majority
of the mass-produced suits,

the basting is all done with soap,

which means if you're caught in the rain,
you come out in a lather.

[laughter]

Open up, Lennie.

-No, the jacket, the jacket.
-Oh.

Touch of the Terry-Thomas, sir.

You notice how it catches the light.

I wonder if I might detain you
for one second, sir.

Now, you see, I'm working
under most derogatory conditions.

-Oh, yes.
-But I did ask…

-for a tailored cutter.
-He seems very skilled, doesn't he?

They sent me an oxyacelytene welder,

so it is all very well
for the British Motor Corporation,

but it's no good for Savile Row. [gasps]

As you can see, we have a very
enthusiastic woodwork section, too.

Oh. [chuckles] Cabinet-making as well.

-Yes, ma'am.
-Yes, of course.

Well, Miss Pringle, that will give you
some idea how we go about things.

Yes, so I'm sure my colleagues
would like to join me

in congratulating you
on your sterling work, Commander.

-[woman] Most excellent.
-[Miss Pringle] Yes, first class.

Oh, thank you, ladies. One likes to think

that one's seed has not
fallen upon stony ground.

Well, I'm sure it never does that,
Commander,

judging by your enormous vegetable
now, though.

-[laughter]
-Oh, my marrow.

Well, this way, ladies.
Thank you, Lane. That will be all.

-Just 'round the doorway there.
-[chattering]

[Bennitt] Now to the left.

[women chattering]

All right, lads.

[whistles]

Now, then, lads, as I was about to say,

my own personal preference
is the hinge method.

Takes a little longer,
but the results, infallible.

Now, then, you drill three lovely
little holes by your edge.

Get your jelly, bang it in.

Insert your detonators.

Yes, so I'll trust you'll pardon
the intrusion,

but did you say this method
was infallible?

Infallible.

Then might I inquire
as to what you're doing in here?

[laughter]

How would you like a punch up the throat?

-Are the ladies gone, sir?
-Yes, Jenkins.

Oh, your visitor has just arrived.

I showed him into the office, sir.

Oh, my goodness,
I didn't realize the time. Thank you.

-Oh, and Jenkins?
-Yes, sir?

-Send Lane in, too, will you?
-Very good, sir.

Oh, sorry to keep you waiting, Padre.

Ah, not at all. Admiring your flora.

-Oh, good.
-How do you do?

-Mr. Fowler, isn't it?
-Yes.

-Let me take these.
-Thank you. Thank you.

-Do sit down, won't you?
-How kind of you. Thank you very much.

-A cigarette?
-Not for me, thank you.

One of the temptations
I'm able to resist, I'm glad to say.

Extraordinary thing.
I seem to be getting through 50 a day.

-Oh, dear.
-You don't mind if I do, do you?

-Oh, of course not.
-Thank you.

Now, then, you say in your letter

that we have some of your former
parishioners in our care.

-Yes.
-Lane and his friends.

I'm afraid so. Three from one parish.

Not a happy situation
for one in my walk of life.

Ah, but they're good lads at heart,
you know.

-Been cooperating splendidly.
-Oh, I'm glad to hear that anyhow.

Mind you, the background
they come from, Governor.

-I couldn't begin to describe it.
-Please don't try.

Well, I won't, then.

But mind you, there's no excuse.

Oh, no, certainly not. Crime is crime.

No, you misunderstand me.
No excuse for you and me, Governor.

We've a duty to these unfortunate people.

It's up to us to extend a helping hand.

Padre, you're only
echoing my own thoughts.

I'd hoped from my heart
that that would be the case.

Well, look, I've sent for Lane.

Perhaps you'd like a few minutes with him.

I'd be glad of it.
Most kind of you, Governor.

-[knock on door]
-Come in.

[Bennett] Ah, Lane.

Come along, Lane. You know your vicar.

Yeah, I know him, sir, yeah.

Well, don't be shy.
Mr. Fowler's here to help you. Come on.

Merely to proffer friendship
and good counsel.

How are you, my son?

I'm not complaining, Vicar.

Now, I want you to listen very carefully
to Mr. Fowler's advice.

I can quite safely leave him with you,
Padre?

Oh, indeed.

Now come along and sit down.
Make yourselves at home.

-Oh, that is good.
-You have my chair, Vicar.

-[Fowler] Thank you, Governor.
-Lane, sit there.

Now, I'll come back in a few minutes

and see how you're getting on, all right?

[laughs] Many thanks.

[door clicks shut]

You smarmy, rat-faced, conniving,
bleedin', white-haired sepulcher.

-Come, come, come.
-Soapy Stevens.

Up to your old reverend lark again, I see.

[chuckles]

I have a good mind to belt you
all the way from here to Wandsworth.

Please, please, don't let's discuss
this matter in an ill-bred fashion.

Ill-bred fashion?

You drop me and the boys right
on the pony. You talk about ill-bred?

Keep your thievin' hands off that,
will you? They're my perks.

-Listen to me.
-We listened to you the last time, mate,

and got stuck in here for three years

while you've been outside
living the life of Riley.

Father Riley, please.
Now listen to me, Dodger.

I'm onto a racing certainty.

Like the last time,
when you had the only alibi?

No, this is different.

Can you three boys get out of here
for the night

and back again without anybody knowing?

I think you're going a bit soft
in your old age, mate.

What do you think we are, three Houdinis?

Then you'd have the perfect alibi,
wouldn't you?

Don't you see?

What have you got cooking away

in that disease-ridden bonce of yours?

Something quite sensational, my boy.

You crafty old fox.

Well, I don't know.

We might be able to work out something.

I thought you'd be interested.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'd have to know a lot more
about it first, Soapy Stevens.

Of course you will, of course you will.

-I'll give you the drill.
-[Bennett clears throat]

[chuckles] So they give you the drill,
do they, Lane?

Very healthy, good for the lungs.

Oh, Governor, you do look after them well.

Well, we do our best, Padre.
Now, how's it going?

I think we made a good start,
wouldn't you say so?

Good. I imagine your vicar's given you
something to think about, eh, Lane?

He certainly has, sir, definitely.

Good. You know,
I'm quite sure when you get out of here,

he'll help you to find a good,
worthwhile job.

I've just been trying
to make that very point.

Oh, by the way, I would like
to make another visit soon, if I may,

directly I see how the lad lies

with regard to the employment,
for want of a better word.

Yes. Certainly, certainly.
Well, I'll say goodbye now.

-Thank you.
-Lane, get the padre's hat, will you?

See you at the gate?

And my umbrella, if you would be so kind.

Was you wearing gloves, Vicar?

[chuckles] Not this time.

-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.

[tools clattering]

Where's this lot off to?

Governor wants some stones
for his rockery.

Oh, well, don't overdo it, will you?

[chuckles] No.

Here. Here, look who's
over there with Dodger.

-Where?
-Over there.

Cor blimey!

-Hey, what's he doing here?
-Shh.

Hey, Soap-- [pained yelp]

You!

Well, what a nice surprise
to see our vicar.

-What's he doing here?
-[laughs] Nancy.

Oh, yes. Uh, yeah.
How you gettin' on, Your Holiness?

Very well, thank you very much.

Your mother sends her love to you, Price.

And, Knight, you're looking very bonny.
How do you do?

I've had a long talk to Lane here
about your future prospects.

I'll leave it to him
to give you the good news.

Well, I must get along.

Mustn't, uh, mustn't interfere

with the process of the law, must we?

Goodbye, gentlemen.

-What's that all about?
-Tell you later.

[clattering]

I'll remember you all tonight, boys,
in my prayers.

We'll be lucky if he remembers us
after the second pint.

Yeah, well, I don't go much on it.

We had a basement full of Soapy before.

Yeah, my mom says three years of a life

is enough to give any man,
and that's what we done for Soapy.

Anyway, we're not committed.

We'll be out of here in a few weeks.

Bit of information might be useful.

Well, all I hope
is that it's reliable information

because the last time,
he dropped us right in it.

-Well, I tell you something else, too--
-The governor.

-Good afternoon.
-Afternoon, sir.

Ah, this is the size and shape I'm after.

That'd be enough, sir, will it?

We're finding this stone
a bit difficult to work, Governor.

It's got all sort of bedded in in there.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Oh, well, this will do to go on with.

Right. That's it, lads.

It's nearly visiting hour, anyway.
Your mother's here, Price.

-Oh, lovely.
-Mm. Someone to see you, too, Lane.

-Oh.
-You don't seem very enthusiastic.

People come all this way to visit you

and you simply don't seem to care.

Extraordinary.

Oh, get over, Ethel, titivating.

'Cause someone knows you've been
looking at yourself all the way down.

Well, I don't want to lose my allure.

Never mind about your allure.
That won't get you nowhere.

Be firm, that's what you got to remember
with a man like Dodger. I…

[officer] Now you know the rules.
No physical contact with the prisoners.

No passing of written messages,
cigarettes,

or any other form of contraband, right?

-Aye. Where is he? I'm coming.
-[officer] All right, then.

What's the matter with you?

Haven't you ever seen
a home perm kit before?

Yes, I have, and you can leave it there.

You're welcome.

This way.

[fast-paced music playing]

[officer] Just a minute, just a minute.

Now don't forget
what I've told you, darling.

-Make yourself felt.
-But he said no physical contact.

Ah, don't be silly. Be firm!

I will.

-Hey, Dodger.
-Hello, Eth.

Looking forward to coming out?

No. I decided I'd like to stay here
the rest of my life.

-But I thought you didn't like it here.
-[groans]

Now, look, I'm going to come
straight to the point.

I want the banns put up
this Sunday without fail

so we can get tied up
directly you come out.

-Blimey, here we go again.
-But the whole street's talking about it.

I mean to say, five years now
you've been courting me

and what have I got
to show for it? Nothing.

Well, you've been dead lucky, haven't you?

Anyway, I'll give you a smashing
engagement ring.

Yes, and I can only wear that in the house
with the blinds drawn.

It's not good enough.

Whose fault was it we didn't get married
after that mail van job?

Not mine, I'm sure.

-No?
-No!

Well, may I remind you

that had you got to the church
at the time specified,

you'd have arrived there
before the police did,

thereby avoiding a nasty
fracas with the law.

Language, please!

-Well!
-Well!

I can't understand you at all.

Me and your daddy was always trying
to bring you up right.

But I don't know, the family honor

don't seem to mean nothing to you.

I'm one to think you like it doing time.

Three years you've been in here now,

and never once have you
even tried to escape.

And don't lean your head
against them wires!

You'll mark yourself for life.

Well, Mom, we'll be out anyway soon.

"Anyway soon"? That's not quite the point.

Look at your daddy's record.

Four times over the wall
at the 'Moor alone.

And Auntie Emmy's bad leg
never prevented her

from shimmying down the drain-pipe
at Holloway, did it?

Well, I'll try and do better next time,
Mom, honest, I will.

Yes, and so you've been,
I should think so.

Show a bit of enthusiasm.

[baby crying]

Now, now, darling. It's all right.

How old is he now, my love?

-Eight months, dearest.
-Oh.

But I've been in here nearly two years.

Oh, yes, Fred,
but you've sent me some lovely letters.

Well, if that's the way you want it, Eth.

That's the way I want it.

[man whispers] Dodger!

Well, time's up, ducky. All set?

I suppose so.

Well, um, goodbye, Dodger dear.

Goodbye, Ethel dear.

[sensual music playing]

[Ethel] Whoops!

There it goes again.

It keeps happening. It's so embarrassing.

Excuse me.

[jolly music playing]

-[jazz music playing]
-[keys jingling]

No. No.

-Hold it.
-Lads, lads.

Turn the radio down a bit.

-[music ends]
-Come on, then.

Would you like a nightcap, Chief?

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Well, boys, it looks as if
we'll all be leaving here together.

[Dodger] Oh, yeah? How is that?

Well, as you know,
I was due to retire last year,

but they asked me to stay on for a bit.

Oh, thanks, Jelly.

Well, seems they got someone
to replace me now.

What are you gonna do
with yourself, Mr. Jenkins?

Well, me and the missus
have bought a little tobacco shop

down at Leigh-on-Sea.

-Is it a lock-up?
-No, we'll be living over it. Why?

Nothing, I just wondered.

Well, good luck to you, Chief.

-Good luck.
-[chuckles] Thank you, boys.

Yeah, me and my Ethel will be settling
down one of these days, I suppose.

Oh, yes? You got a job lined up, then?

Nothing concrete.
We got a few kind friends outside

who are trying to get things
organized for us.

That's the idea. [chuckles]

You know what they say, don't you?

Heaven helps those
who are prepared to help themselves.

Just what our vicar was saying, wasn't it?
[chuckles]

-Yeah, right.
-Yeah, yeah.

[chuckling]

Only me.

-Hello, Padre.
-How do you do?

Visiting your boys
regular now, aren't you?

Oh, yes, of course. Anytime now, you know,

they'll be exposed to the old temptations.

Run along and tell Lane I'd like to
have a word with him, would you?

There's a good fellow.
I'll make my way to the governor's office.

[Parde] Good morning, boys.

Good. That will bring her color up nicely.
[chuckles]

Your duty roster, sir.

Oh, right. I'll look it over in my office.

Well, what do you think, Jackson?

-Coming along nicely, sir.
-Mmm.

-Amen.
-[door clicks open]

Oh, hello, Governor. [chuckles]

-Oh, Padre.
-Good morning.

-How are you?
-Ah, very well, thank you.

-How are you?
-I didn't realize you were coming.

Perhaps I'm a bit early, am I?

OH, no, that's quite all right.

-Do sit down.
-Thank you very much.

I'm sorry, I thought
you said you didn't smoke.

Oh, did I? That was during Lent.

-[chuckles]
-Ah, I see.

Well…

Yes, I'll, um,

I'll leave you to it.

Well, I'll, er,
I'll attend to my letters later.

Uh, anything you want, just help yourself.

I'll be with my marrow. Mm.

-[door clicks shut]
-He's a right berk, isn't he?

Now, then, anything else you want to know?

Yeah. I want to know if it's gonna work.

-You know me.
-Oh, I know you, all right.

Which brings me to
the all-important question.

-How much is it worth?
-Oh, ho-ho!

I thought you might ask that one.

Doesn't want to sell one's birthright

for a mess of pottage, does one?

Well, it all depends how big
the mess is, doesn't it?

Well, naturally,
estimates vary in these matters

a fraction one way or the other,

but in round figures,
give or take a shilling here or there.

-Quanto costa?
-A couple of million nicker.

-How much?
-You heard.

[dramatic music]

Two million quid?

-One million quid?
-[Dodger] That's right.

Yeah. That's right, yeah.

But how could it be worth a million?

Don't you fellas ever read nothing
in the newspapers barring the back page?

I'm referring to His Highness
the Sultan of Kuch Bhawani.

Yeah, ain't that the bloke
Lester Piggott rides for?

-Where'd you read that?
-On the back page.

The important thing is
that every now and again,

they bung this geezer
on the scales and they weigh him.

Well, you mean like they do
with the Aga Khan?

That's right.

And if you fellas had read the papers,

you'd have noticed that it was
this fella's diamond jubilee next month.

Oh, then all these diamonds in this van
belong to this fella, eh?

Right. And here's what they do.

They shove the sultan
at one end of the scales,

they shove all his lovely
old diamonds up the other end.

Then they all get it going there,
start having a weigh-up.

But how do the diamonds
get in England, then?

Safekeeping.

You see, this sultan's
one of the only mates

the British government
have got left out there

and he can't trust all his other nig-nogs,

so he shoves his gear over here
for safekeeping till he wants it.

Yeah, but we just can't go and knock off
a load of diamonds just like that, Dodger.

Do you mind?

Now, provided we're out of here sharp,

by 11:00 on the 28th, we're laughing.

But we don't get out by the 29th.

And so, on the 28th,
we're all safely locked up in here.

If you want a better alibi
than that, I don't know.

-Yeah.
-That's the best, isn't it, eh?

-Yeah.
-Right?

-Yeah.
-Right, then. Here's the drill.

Now, then, the army are escorting the van

he's got all his diamonds in
from London to Portsmouth.

At Portsmouth, there's a destroyer
takes them all out east.

Between London and Portsmouth,
we nick 'em.

-Who's escorting the van?
-The army.

Well, if you think I'm gonna have
a punch-up with the army,

you can count me out for one.

You ain't half a berk.

There's only a few of the army
and we ain't fightin' 'em.

Yes, it's marvelous, isn't it, eh, Jelly?

Yeah, Dodge,
when did you think of all this, eh?

Oh, I don't know.

When you both kippin' away there,

I lay awake thinking and planning and…

Of course, we'll have to cut old Soapy in.

-Eh?
-Yeah.

I mean, he's handling
the outside stuff until the night.

Oh, no, not Soapy, no.

That git. What's he ever done for us
except laying us in here?

And why was that? 'Cause last time,

-Soapy was the only one who had an alibi.
-Yeah.

This time, we've all got the alibi
and Soapy's right in it.

How do you mean?

Well, he's standing out a mile, isn't he?

I mean, if anyone's gonna
get lagged for this job,

it's bound to be our vicar.

Let him pray his way out of that one.

Very good.

Hey, just a minute. Look, there's
another thing. How do we get out of here?

You know when our Jenkins
comes around for his nightcap?

You slip him a cup
of the old three-star cocoa.

He goes out like a light and we ease him
under the bed to cool off.

Hey, wait a minute, though.

Jenkins won't be here on the 28th.

That's all right. We'll straighten out
whoever they send down.

Bound to be some real ripe old Charlie.

[man] Come on, you sniveling
lot of layabouts!

-[metal tapping stones]
-Get weaving with those picks.

You're not sunbathing
on the French Riviera, are you now?

Come on. Hit it. Hit it!

Up, down!

Oh, don't strain yourself now, will you?

Come on. What's the matter
with you? Hit it!

Take that smile off your face, and you.

What's up with you, then, Shorthouse?

Pray, sir, I bent me hammer.

Leaning on it, I suppose?

-No, no--
-Silence when you're talking to me!

Now, listen. You go along
to the end of the line now,

you'll find a nice gentleman
who'll give you a new one.

Come here!

Pick that up.

Ask him to give you
another one, only bigger.

Go on! On the double!

Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup,

hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

Hey, Crout.

-The governor wants to see you.
-Right.

-He's over there.
-Right.

All right, you lot, keep at it!

You wanted to see me, sir?

Good morning, Crout.

I have to tell you that your application

for the post of chief officer
at Huntleigh has been successful.

-Congratulations.
-Thank you very much, sir.

Now I'm sure you'll carry on at Huntleigh

the good work you've done here.

Oh, yes, sir. I'll see to that, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

Here you are, Chief.

Something to get your mouth
around after coffee.

-It's a nice cigar there.
-Oh. [sniffs]

And now, as they say,
time to cut the cake.

-Yeah.
-Yeah. Don't forget to wish.

[chuckles]
Well, this is all very touching, lads.

And see what a shame to spoil this cake.

-One of your mom's, Lennie?
-That's right, Mr. Jenkins.

-[grunts]
-[squeaking]

[Jenkins] What's this?

Oh, I'm sorry about that, Mr. Jenkins.

She had a force of habit, I suppose.

You see, my mom--

Well, don't let it upset you, Lennie.

We all know your mom. [chuckles]

Well, let's pass the cake
around then, shall we?

Uh, sit down, Chief.

I'd just like to say,
on behalf of the lads and myself,

that we wish you a long
and happy retirement.

And, uh, as a token of our esteem…

-Lennie.
-Right.

Um… Ta. As a token of our esteem,

we would like to present you
with this little memento.

What we're sorry about
is your coming out before us.

-Isn't that right, lads?
-Yeah.

Sure you won't stay
until the end of the month?

-Please, Mr. Jenkins, eh?
-Yeah, stay on, Chief.

I'm afraid I can't, boys.

[chuckles]

I don't know what to say.

It's things like this that make me
real sorry I have to leave.

And believe me, this will always be

one of my most treasured possessions.

Well, I'm afraid I gotta go.

I got one or two things to do
before I go, you understand.

-Goodbye, Dodger.
-Cheerio, Chiefie.

-Jelly.
-Goodbye, Chief.

We're gonna miss you, Mr. Jenkins.
So is Strangeways here.

I don't know who's gonna take him
for a walk with you gone.

Would you mind, you know,
on your way down?

Oh, oh, yes, of course.

-Don't forget your cake, Chief.
-Thank you. [laughs]

-And your bonnet.
-[chuckles] Yes.

-Hold on.
-Thank you, boys.

Right. You're welcome.

[Lennie] Bye, Chief. Good luck.

-Goodbye.
-Bye.

Nice old fellow, isn't he?

[gentle music playing]

[Bennett] Come in.

Ah, Jenkins.

Haven't happened to have seen
a gold watch by any chance, have you?

-Gold watch, sir?
-Yes, a gold hunter and chain.

I have seemed to have lost it.

I'm sure it was here yesterday.

-This one, sir?
-Yes! That's it.

Where did you find it?

One of the prisoners found it, sir,

lying about somewhere.

He gave it to me a few minutes ago.

Did he, really?

Well, there you are.
There's some good in all of them.

That's what I always say.

He could just as easily have hung onto it.

[chuckles] Sit down, Chief.

Yes, you know.
It's little things like this

that must make you quite sorry
that you're retiring

from the service, eh, Chief?

Oh, well, it comes to all of us again.

Now, it appears your replacement
arrives tomorrow.

A fellow called Crout, from Rockhampton.

-Crout, sir?
-Yes. Do you know him?

Oh, yes, sir, I know him.

And tell the lads I wish them
all the very best of luck.

[laughing]

-[bell ringing]
-Oi, George! Shop!

You see, that's the trouble
with them people.

Hey, Dodge, be a mate, will you?
See who it is.

I'm just brewing up my tea.

[bell ringing]

Hang on, hang on.

[bell ringing]

You're in a bit of a hurry to get--

[dramatic music playing]

Blimey! Sour Crout!

What are you doing with these keys, lad?

I'm a trustee.

Trustee? I wouldn't trust you
with your own grandma.

Where's the officer?

[footsteps approaching]

[Crout] You! Come here!

Ah, you must be the new chief.
Anything wrong?

Anything wrong? What's this prisoner
doing with the keys to the main gate?

Oh, that's all right.
Mr. Lane's a trustee.

-I gave them to him.
-Mister--

Mr. Lane? [scoffs]

Now you, take those, stay by that
gate office until I tell you to leave.

I can see this place is due
for a bit of a shake-up!

You, take me to the governor's office.

At the double. On the double!

Do yourself up!

[Crout] Stand out of the way.

Come on. Get moving.

Right, I'll see your lot later.

-A son and heir, eh, Jones?
-Yes, sir.

Well, that's splendid.
Now, what are you going to call him?

Well, sir,
with your permission, of course,

me and the wife sort of felt
if we could take the liberty

of naming him after you,
Governor. Horatio.

Oh, well, that's a very nice thought,
Jones. Thank you.

You tell your wife I'd be honored.

Thank you very much, Governor.

Now, all being well, your wife
is due out of hospital on Saturday.

That's right. Yes, Governor.

And you would like to be home
to welcome her, eh?

Oh, I would very much, yes, sir, please.

Yes. Well, I think we can give you
two days on parole.

Thank you very much, Governor.

But don't forget, back here in prison

eight o'clock sharp Monday morning

-or they'll be picking you up.
-Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

-I'll catch a workman's, Governor.
-[knocking on door]

Come in. That's all, Jones.

Thank you, Governor. Thank you very much.

Chief Officer Sidney Crout
reporting for duty, sir.

-Ah. Welcome to Huntleigh, Mr. Crout.
-Thank you, sir.

-Sit down.
-Thank you, sir.

-Did you have a good journey here?
-Oh, not bad, sir.

Good. Well, I hope you're going
to enjoy being with us.

You know,
I like to think of everyone here,

staff and prisoners, as a sort of family.

Now, it's up to us to see that the men
in our care have plenty to do.

Keep them out of mischief.

Jenkins, your predecessor,
was really successful

in helping me
with my rehabilitation courses.

We've organized fretwork classes,
rug making,

book-binding, basket weaving, pottery--

Uh, excuse me, sir.

I hope you don't me saying so, sir,

but those are all
indoor activities, aren't they?

I thought the men looked a little pale.

It might do them good to get them outside
once in a while.

Outside. Cross-country runs,

paperchases, things like that, eh?
Good idea.

Of course, we've got a gardening class.

But I'm sure that anything else
you can think of in that direction

will be very welcome.

Don't you worry, sir.
I can think of plenty of things.

Look!

-How was that?
-Very good, very good.

-It's coming back.
-Here, guess who's taking Jenkins' place?

-Huh?
-Sour Crout from Rockhampton.

-[Jelly] What, Sour Crout?
-Who's he?

Hurry up and get this stuff
out of the way. Where's the cat?

Well, he's gone out for a walk.

What about the caper
with Soapy, now, then?

Put the mockers on that, all right.

We might have gone
in and out with old Jenky,

but this bleeder will have the place
laced up tighter than a drum.

-We'll have to scrub it.
-Well, what's the matter with him anyway?

What's the matter with him?
He's just about the most twisted screw

who ever cracked down a prison corridor,
that's all.

-[Jelly] Yeah.
-[Lane] Yeah. We'll have to hurry up.

I think he's on his way up here.

-[clattering]
-[Lane] Come on.

[Lennie] I'll get the cupboard.

[Jelly]
All right, put this stuff out of the way.

-Where shall I put it?
-Under there, under there.

Yeah, in there, in there.

-[Jelly] All clear?
-[Lane] Right.

[whisper] Oh, no, here he comes.

All right, line up.

[tense music]

OK.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Well, now, this is about
the nastiest little collection of villainy

as I've seen in one cell for a long time.

Dodger Lane, for a start.

By the way,
whatever happened to that mate of yours?

You know, the one who tried
to flog a couple of aircraft carriers.

Soapy something-or-other.
What was it? Soapy… Stevens.

-I don't know nothing about that.
-[shouting] Shut up! I'm talking.

Oh, here's another one. Mr. Jelly Knight.

Another old acquaintance
never to be forgot.

Caught in the old safe-blowing lark again,
I suppose, weren't you?

Oh, now.

Here's a nasty,
evil little face I've not met before.

-Who's this, then?
-That's Lennie the Dip.

Pickpocket, are you? Come here.

I'll soon teach you to keep
your thieving little hands to yourself.

[shouting] Get back!

Well, now, you gentlemen have had it
pretty cushy up to now, haven't you?

Fretwork classes, basket weaving.

Well, that is not my idea
of how to run a prison, is it, Mr. Lane?

-No, Chief.
-No, Chief.

Well, from now on, remember this.

It's my ideas that count.
Do you understand?

By the way, how long is it
since you lot had a spell in the quarry?

-Quarry?
-The quarry.

Nobody works in the quarry, sir.
It's been closed for years.

-Has it, really?
-Yeah.

-Has it?
-Hm.

Well, I'm personally inviting you

to a grand reopening ceremony.

That will be nice, wouldn't it?

Monday morning. [shouting] Six o'clock!

[meowing]

Hey, what's that cat doing here?

Oh, it's a prison cat, sir.

His name is Strangeways.

Yes, I've seen some of its strange ways.

Get him cleaned up and get it out of here.

[shouting] Get it out of here!

[groans] Six o'clock in the quarry?

Well, the papers don't come until 7:00.

Look, what are we gonna do, Dodger?

-Yeah, Dodger, what are we gonna do?
-Don't panic.

And just remember what the poet said.

If you can keep your heads
when all about you are doing their nuts,

you're a better man than I am, Gunga Din.

Who said that?

I did. Now belt up. I'm thinking.

[sighs]

Oh, yeah.

What's this, then?

Not enough rocks to go around?

Can't find any more, Chief.

See, nobody's been down here lately.

Oh. Well, we'll have to do
something about that, then, won't we?

Do you know what this is, Mr. Knight?

Oh, yes, sir. Dynamite.

Dynamite, yes, that's right.
I thought you'd recognize it.

Let me see.
Yeah, I think one will be sufficient.

Now, I want you to take this.

I want you to stick it in a crack
in the rocks there somewhere.

It should bring down enough
to keep you busy for the rest of the day.

Go on.

[Chief] All right, now,
there's a ten-second fuse on that.

Might be much of a bang.

You two, come and stand around here,
behind me.

All right. Light it up, Mr. Knight.

But Chief, sorry.

I promised the judge I wouldn't muck about
with explosives again.

I mustn't do it.

No, he mustn't do it, Chief.

He mustn't do it, Chief.

He mustn't do it? [scoffs]

All right now, I'll have it.

[playful music]

Ha! What's the matter with you lot, then?

Afraid of a little bang?

[cawing in distance]

-[ringing]
-[silly music playing]

Charlie.

[frivolous music playing]

-Where is the governor?
-He's in his garden, Chief.

Excuse me, sir.

Ah, Mr. Crout.

I hear we've reopened the quarry.

Yes, sir.
I wish to report a little accident.

Not only in the quarry, Mr. Crout.

What about this?

[Crout] Oh. That's a pity.

Well, as I was saying, sir--

Pity, Mr. Crout?

Do you realize that tomorrow

is the day of the Huntleigh
horticulture show?

Do you know that my marrow
would have caused a sensation?

And through your crass, stupid idiocy,
I shall have to withdraw?

What the devil do you mean by it?

Look, sir, we was at the quarry, and--

[Bennett] I'm not listening
to any excuses, Mr. Crout.

In future, confine yourself
to routine activities.

-Excuse me, sir--
-That's all.

Yes, sir.

Oh, one moment, Mr. Crout.

-Yes, sir?
-I believe this is yours.

Basket weaving tomorrow, Chief?

Basket weaving.

I'll get you basket weaving.
Don't you worry.

I haven't finished with
you lot yet, don't you worry.

-Here you are, Vicar.
-Thank you, my good man.

Your friend the governor's
just over there.

What's that? Oh, thank you.

[laughing]

I say, that's Crout, isn't it?
What's he doing here?

-Just took over from Jenkins.
-Cor blimey.

Oh, Lane, what beautiful flowers.

You never told me
you were gifted with green fingers.

Governor, I was just remarking
on the sheer beauty of your flower garden.

Thank you, Padre.
We are real proud of them.

[chuckles] Yes.

And what about your plans for later
for these friends?

Oh, progressing very favorably,
thank you, Governor.

I would like to have a word with the boys,
if I might. Could I do that?

Yes, yes, by all means.
In the garden here.

In the garden, how pleasant.
It does do you credit, Governor.

I'm afraid
I have suffered rather a sad loss.

-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Yes, my marrow.

I beg your pardon?

-My marrow.
-Oh.

I watched it grow since it was that size.

Well, I suppose I must
fall back on my roses.

What happened to his…?

Crout dropped a rock on it.

Yeah, I want to talk to you
in the greenhouse.

You realize we'll have to scrub
the old setup now Crout's here.

What do you mean? We can't do that.

Ethel's got all the griff,

Lennie's mother's learned
her stuff by heart.

It's all lined up and ready, I tell you.

Well, you get this in your thin head.

There's no way out of this place.

No one ever dig a tunnel?

Fellow called Hackett
did once, during the war.

-Well, what happened to it?
-God knows.

Well, don't stand there like an idiot.

If you can't find one, dig one.

-Don't you call me an idiot.
-[Jelly] Screw's coming.

Two million quid, Dodger.
Two million quid.

[light music]

-Here, Lennie.
-What?

-You go to pictures a lot?
-Well, not now I don't.

I know not now you don't,
but when you did,

did you ever remember seeing
a prisoner-of-war camp film

called The Wooden Horse?

It was a lot of fellas, they all escaped
from the middle of an exercise yard.

How?

Diggin' a hole
under a wooden vaulting horse.

So what?

Well, who can we trust
in the carpenter shop?

-How's it going, Jelly?
-[whisper] All right, Dodger.

Right.

[mimics Crout] I'll have you
down at the quarry,

six o'clock and all's well.

[Jelly grunts]

Come on, Lennie, you're slowing down.

[grumbling]

It's going down my neck.
Look at my hair, all dirty.

Ah, shut up.

Come on, then.

Look, how much longer
are we gonna do this, Dodge?

Don't worry, mate, not much longer.

You'll get your truss over there.

What do you think this is, a holiday camp?

-Get that thing out of here.
-[guard] Yes, sir.

-Oi, Lennie!
-[Lennie] What?

Three knocks, danger signal.

Dodger, stall him
while we fill in, will you?

All right, men, pack it up.

Right. You, you, and you, shift that kid's
plaything back where it belongs.

-Uh, Mr. Crout, sir?
-Yeah, what is it?

Do you require us to move
this wooden vaulting horse?

-You heard me.
-Uh, in other words,

you've seen enough of us
doing our vaulting?

Correct.

Well, where would you
require us to put it?

Back where it came from. And get moving!

Right.

Ah, Crout, honestly.
I just dug all this out.

-[knocking]
-[Crout] Right. Hup!

Left, right. Left, right.
Left, right. Hold it. Hold it.

I can see we're gonna
take all day with this.

Scrub round and put it over there.

You lot, fall in over here.

Come on.
Get your hands out of the pockets.

Come on. Move it!
What's the matter with you?

You're all slow this morning. Come on!

Come on, come on. Come on, come on.

All right, spread out, spread out.

Come on, Lane, get a move on. Come on.

Right. Now we're really
gonna have some P.T.

We're gonna have jumping up and down
on the spot for a couple of hours.

So it's jumping up and down on the spot.

After me.

Begin.

Up, down, up, down.

Up, down, up, down.

Get your head up, Lane. Get your head up!

Up, up, up!

[laughing]

[dramatic music playing]

Well, don't just stand there. Help me out.

Yes, sir!

So we got a little mole
amongst us, have we?

Lane!

Come here!

You wouldn't know anything about that,
I suppose?

No, Chief.

Come and have a look.

I should think it's worms, Chief.

Worms?

Take that stupid grin off your face.

Give me a box of matches.

Well, let's see what little worm's living
in the bottom of this hole, shall we?

[Crout] Where do you think you're going?

I thought you'd finished with me, Chief.

Keep him jumping up and down
till I get back.

Yes, sir. Right, Lane. Start jumping.

-Up, down! Up, down! Hup! Hup!
-[playful music playing]

Hup! Hup! Up, down! Hup!

Up, down! Up, down! Hup!

Dodger, I never thought I'd sink this low.

Well, there's one consolation, cocker.

-You can't sink no lower.
-[chuckles]

We won't get out of here on the 28th,
not at the rate we're going.

[groans] We'll need a miracle
to get us out of here,

-boy, I'll tell you that.
-[toilet flushing]

Dodger, Danger Within!

-Danger Within?
-Yeah, that prisoner-of-war escape film.

Don't you remember?
That fellow had a theory

that all the drains led to the outside.

Good idea, isn't it?

That's a very good idea, Jelly.

[Lennie] Yeah, Dodge,
what's a good idea, eh?

-Our mate is onto something.
-What's up down there?

Shut up! Now then,
with a million nicker at stake.

-It's worth a try, isn't it?
-It certainly is worth a try, boy.

-What's worth a try, Dodge?
-[Jelly] Lennie!

-You're the smallest.
-I'm not. I'm as big as Dodge. Look.

You're the smallest, Lennie.

Now, Lennie, get down there,
see where them drains lead to.

I'm not going down there.

You must be potty if you think
you're gonna get me down there.

-Get off!
-[Dodger] Lennie, Lennie.

Come here.

Have you forgotten what your dear mom
said to you last visiting day?

-What?
-About how you never tried to break out

like the rest of your relatives.
Have you forgotten that, Lennie?

-Have you forgotten it?
-No.

Listen, you're doing this for your mom.

For your mom, and for the honor
of the Price family, Lennie.

Now, get down there.

You never know,
you might come up covered in glory.

All right, then.

-In you go, now.
-All right.

-Good.
-Where's Lennie going, Dodger?

He's, uh, trying to find out
which way the drains go.

-Come on, then!
-Don't push me!

-[groans]
-There are no ghosts down there.

Here.

-[water sloshing]
-How you doing?

It's awful dark down here.

Going around a corner now.

And then… Here, I'm slipping!

-Oh, Dodger!
-[splash]

We should never have let him do it,
not without a paddle.

[splashing echoes]

Well, at least no one can say
we haven't tried.

Yeah.

[horn honks]

Listen, how did we get in here?

Like I was trying to tell you
the other day.

We was in that bank and that fella--

Will you kindly give Strangeways the milk?

Strangeways isn't here anymore.

Well, kindly don't
give him some milk, then.

What I mean is,
what brought us in through the gate?

-Black Maria, wasn't it?
-Exactly.

That's just how we're
gonna get out of here.

Where's my fag papers?

Get Wilbur.

[Jelly]
Come on, my little darling. Up you come.

-[indistinct dialogue]
-A little job for you, Wilbur, my lad.

Now, then, where are you? [laughs]

You haven't had many flying hours lately,
have you, boy?

No, he hasn't been out since we sent him
home to my mom with them gift tokens.

That's right.
That was Christmas, wasn't it?

-[Lennie] Yeah.
-Long time ago.

-Got him?
-Here we are.

Right.

He's getting a bit fat, isn't he?

[chuckles]

You've been giving him
too many of them cornflakes of yours.

Line goes in there.

-Well, say bye-bye, darling.
-Good ol' Wilbur, son.

-Want to say bye-bye?
-Go, Wilbur. Good luck.

There we go. All right, all right.

Don't panic. Don't panic. Through there.

That's it. Go on.
Now, off you go. Go on, go on, go on!

[Lennie] Hey, Dodge,
do you reckon he'll make it?

Make it? He'll walk it.

[playful music playing]

[woman] Now look who's here. It's Wilbur.

What are you doing here, you naughty boy?

Have you got something for me?
I believe you have.

Just a minute now. Mommy open the door.

-[rock music playing]
-I say, I say!

Oh, turn that damn thing off!

-[music ends]
-I say, Wilbur's brought a message.

-What's that?
-See? What did I tell you?

-Good. About time, too.
-Poor little fella.

-Let's have a look at it.
-His ankles is all swelled.

Oh, listen to this.
Dodger thinks they can make it.

Heavens, he wants a Black Maria.

He must be barmy.
He wants his head examined.

Where the hell does he think
we can get one of those?

Wait a minute, I think I know.

It will cost us a bit, but do you remember

that film company buyer
who got us that post office van?

-I thought he was doing a stretch.
-No, no, no, he's out now.

I think I can find him. I'll get cracking.

[light music playing]

-Phase two ready, sir.
-Right. Stand by, chaps.

-Stand by!
-Stand by! Stand by!

-Stand by!
-Stand by, chaps.

Stand by!

Stand by!

-Right, right, right. Lock up.
-Yes, sir!

Well, Sergeant Major, that is stage one
of Operation Treasure Chest completed.

-Yes, sir.
-Yes.

[tires screech]

[whistle blows]

Cover me, cover me! Come on. Cover me.

Well, that's the end of phase two.

-You know your positions?
-Yes, sir.

All right.

Ah, good evening, Superintendent.

-Come to see how it should be done?
-I do, sir.

One squad car and a motorcycle escort

and we'd have this job
done in half the time.

[laughs] Lose half the diamonds, too,
probably.

Fine old political scene
there would be about that.

Everything depends upon the safe
delivery of these stones, you know.

You do realize, though, you'll block
the Portsmouth road

for hours with this lot.

My dear man,
we're not such fools as that, you know.

We have our own special route
known only to my officers and myself.

-Ready to move, sir.
-Right. Move.

Yes, sir. [shouting] Out!

Out! Out!

-Soapy, they're under starter's orders.
-Good, good.

-Start up.
-[engines starting]

Excuse me, sir,
are you preparing to use that firearm?

I'm about to signal an order.

We're maintaining radio silence.

You'll wake up half
of London at this rate.

Well, I mustn't detain you,
Superintendent.

I expect there are plenty of cars parked
where they shouldn't be. [laughs]

And please stand clear, will you?

Column, advance.

[gunfire]

-Soapy, they're off.
-Well done. See you later.

[playful music]

[engine starts]

[keys jingling]

[footsteps echoing]

Never thought we'd have to
use this again, did you?

Common break-in and exiting.

[Jelly] All right.

-All right.
-Hold that.

Now, then.

[Jelly] All right.

-[Dodger] Now! Come on.
-[Jelly] Right.

[whisper]
Watch out with old Crout creeping about.

Can't he get his head down?

[softly] Hurry up.

[sighs]

-Keys.
-Yeah, right.

[clicking]

[horn honks]

[honking]

[Soapy] Come on, mate, open up.
Got a half a dozen here for you.

For us? We're not expecting anybody.

Well, I got them here anyhow,
six of the best.

Anyway, you're a bit late, aren't you?

Late? Lucky to get here at all.

Had a hell of a job finding the place.

[brakes squeal]

Nice quiet little place you have here.

Ah, nothing ever happens here.

[Soapy] Seems to me
you don't want too much

to happen in a place like this.

[warder] Anyway, what have you brought?

Nothing startling for you.
Usual sort of collection.

Three loan club secretaries,
a couple of bigamists,

and a female impersonator
to be delivered to Hampton Jail

by order of the court of sessions.

-Delivered where?
-Hampton Jail.

Oh, you're miles out.
This is Huntleigh, not Hampton.

No wonder we didn't know you were coming.

[softly] Come on. Come on!

-Are you sure?
-Am I sure?

All right, all right, all right,
all right. What's going on here?

Bit of a mix-up here, Chief.

These prisoners should have
been delivered to Hampton.

Well, what are you doing here?
Getting us up in the middle of the night.

-Get them over there, quick!
-Have a heart, Chief.

I've been driving around all day.

Can't I leave them here tonight
and pick 'em up in the morning?

[softly] Don't push your luck, Soapy.

Leave 'em here?
What do you think this is, a doss-house?

-Get that load out of here.
-All right, Chief, as you say.

[Crout] Get those gates open!

Hang on.

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

I daresay you have, Chief.
I deliver all over the place.

[silly music playing]

Oh, Dodger, darling.
It's lovely to see you again.

Certainly, dumpling.
There's a time and place, you know.

Well, I've had the banns called twice.

I do hope everything goes all right.

Will we have a lovely honeymoon?

Marvelous.
You in Holloway, him in Dartmoor.

I say, this is a bit more like it,
isn't it, Lennie?

-It is, Mom.
-Isn't it smashing?

It's just like the old times,

when Daddy and me would pull a stunt.

Oh, no. Here, Mom, don't cry.

-Here, Mom, blow that, eh?
-Oh, go on!

-No, blow! Come on. Go on!
-Silly boy.

That's better. [chuckling]

[Dodger] How's it going, Soapy?

Marvelous.
We've got a good half hour's start on 'em.

Here we are. Come along.
Come along, Lennie.

Here you are, boy. Down you go.

Thank you.

Where'd you want the traffic light, Soapy?

Ah, wait a minute.

Excuse me, ma'am. Hold that, ma'am.

Here we are, Dodger.

Just about here.

[military music playing]

Right on schedule, chaps.
End of phase three.

Now then, we strike off this road here

and follow the route through
these lanes as planned.

We hit Portsmouth here.

We maintain radio silence
unless anything vital crops up.

-Any questions?
-No, sir.

Sounds very straightforward to me, sir.

Right. Stand by to move off.

-Stand by to move off, Sergeant Major.
-Ta.

-[man 1] Stand by!
-[man 2] Stand by!

Why don't you shut up down there?

There's people up here trying to sleep.

-[man] Stand by!
-Damn peasants.

[engines revving]

Well, don't just sit there, man. Start up.

[engine starting]

Keep it about a steady 15 miles an hour.

Well, don't look so miserable, man.

You'll soon be home and dry.

I warned you.

Advance.

[fizzing]

Come on, ma'am, hurry up with your cable.

Come on, Soap, give the other one.

Here. Plug it in, Dodge. There.

Get over to the other side
of the embankment, boys.

-You'll find the rest of the gear there.
-Right.

-All right, Ethel dear, take her away.
-All right, Soapy.

-Good luck.
-Thank you.

[engine revving]

[military music playing]

-What the devil's this?
-Road up, sir.

Damned council always
digging up something.

Ah. Here we go. Forward.

[engine revving]

[man] Van and rear escort
stopped by traffic light, sir.

Eh? Oh. All right.

Well, we'll link up the other end
of this single-line traffic nonsense.

The other side of the bridge.

[squealing]

What's the trouble, Officer?

Hey, what's this? What's going on here?

Help! Help!

Put it down! What's happening?

What's going on here? Please help!

Help! Help!

Hello, hello.

Sorry to bother you, sir.

It appears we have
a dislocated track rod, sir.

Yeah, well, hurry up
and get the damn thing fixed

and don't let that van out of your sight.

The van, sir?

It ought to be with you by now, sir.

With us?

What do you mean it ought to be with us?

Back! Back! Back!

Back!

Eh, Dodge? Worked like a charm,
didn't it? Like a charm.

Mind you, I'll really be lovely

once we're back in the old jug there.

I'd like to see their faces,
wouldn't you, eh?

[laughter]

What do we do now, sir?

Well, what do you think, you fool?

Fetch the police!

[officer] Dial 999!

-[sergeant major] Stand by!
-[officers] Stand by!

You can't keep them in the cell with you.

Well, who says we're gonna
keep them in the cell?

Dodge, can I have these for studs?

Oh, look what she wants for studs.

-Eh?
-Now, come on, hand them over.

-Oh, Dodge.
-No, come on. Hand over. Later.

Here. None of that, girl. Lift up there.

-Oh, look at that haul.
-[Lennie] Blimey!

-[Dodger] That's stealing, you know.
-[Lennie] Yeah.

[brakes squealing]

We've got an hour to wait,
so keep down behind the hedge

-and keep out of sight.
-[Lennie] Right.

Now you're all set, all know what to do?

-Yes. Come on, Eth.
-Oh, Dodger, love.

Oh, no, Eth, no. Later.

Go and sleep in the car with Mom.
I can't get me mind to it now.

Oh, right.
I suppose I shall have to get myself

-a do-it-yourself honeymoon kit.
-Always griping, you are.

-Well.
-Well. [exhales]

[light music playing]

[brake cranks]

I'm so glad you stopped.
I don't seem to be sparking properly.

-You don't?
-No.

Well, I better have a look at your little
old distributor, then, hadn't I?

-Now, then.
-I do hope it's not my big end.

[dramatic music playing]

Here we are, miss. That ought to do it.

Right. Try it now.

[engine starting]

Oh, that's marvelous. Thanks very much.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

You can come and empty my dustbin anytime.

[engine revving]

[horn beeping]

-Here, Dodger?
-Hmm?

Are you sure that first stop
is our chokey?

Yeah, double-checked.

Every Tuesday, Thursday,
Huntleigh Prison, first call.

-[door slides shut]
-[engine revs]

-Second call?
-Yeah, I forgot about Fred's caff.

[horn honks]

[gear clicks, engine revs]

-[Jelly] Dodger?
-Yeah?

How do we know the governor
won't open his safe before 10:00?

'Cause he keeps a bottle
of scotch in there, boy,

-and he never drinks before opening time.
-Are you sure?

Listen, I've been his trustee
for two years, haven't I?

[Lennie] Good night. God bless.

Oh. What are you doing, having a lie-in?

Come on. Out of them beds!

Just 'cause it's your last morning.
Come on. Out of it!

Another half hour,
you'll have to call me "mister".

And I'll have less of your lip.

I know your type.
Keep you in a minute too long

and you might register NP.

Well, don't you worry.
I'm not dropping any clangers.

Immediately after breakfast,
you will collect your city clothes

and report for governor's interview!

[silly music playing]

[mimicking]
Report for governor's interview!

-[laughing]
-Give us a piggyback!

-[laughter]
-[mocking Crout]

Cheerio, Count.
I'll give your love to Venice.

Hey, Dodger,
do us a favor on the outside, will ya?

Go on and see Fred, my mate.

He lives at 7 Sebastopol Villas.

When you get there,
give a knock on the door.

Some old bird
will come out and let you in.

Now, she'll tell you if he's there or not.

If he's not, go down in the basement

and you'll see a geezer down there
called Nick the Bubble.

-He'll tell you--
-Look, I'm sorry, Count.

I got a load on my mind.
I'll never remember it all. Somebody else.

Don't worry about it. Look, Dodger,
I got it all down on a bit of paper here.

Now, you won't forget now, will you?

You think of everything, don't you?

-Good luck to you, Count.
-So long, lads, and good luck.

Dodger, I'm tuppence short.

-Tuppence short?
-Yeah.

Can you imagine this fella?

He's got 70,000 nicker coming to him,

-he's worried about tuppence.
-Well, I mean--

Why don't you take it up
with the governor?

-Don't be like that, Dodge.
-No, no, do me a favor.

You take it up with the governor.

No, I'll leave it,
under the circumstances.

Can you forget about this for a minute?

-All right.
-Now look, you remember all the act?

-Yeah.
-As we rehearsed?

-Yeah, got it.
-No faster, okay?

Ah, there you are.

[Bennett] Uh, come in.

-Oh.
-[Bennett] Ah, lads, come on in.

[Soapy] Ah, men.

[Bennett] Your padre's very kindly
come to see you safely home.

Now, you want your railway
warrants, don't you? Let's see now.

[inaudible]

[Bennett] Where are they? Let's see.

Ah, here we are.

Uh, have you got those books
we mentioned, Vicar?

Oh, yes, of course, some books

for your library, Governor,
from my parishioners.

Oh, dear me. [laughing]

Books? How very kind of you.

[Soapy] Thank you very much.

Wouldn't like to have to carry this
all the way home again.

Perhaps you'd like to pile them
down there, would you?

What a good idea. Yes, I will.

-[Bennett] Thank you.
-[Soapy] Thank you.

Oh? Grow Bigger Marrows, eh?

-Haven't seen that one before.
-[chuckles]

[Bennett] That's splendid.
Maybe I shall keep that myself.

Well, Padre, thank you very much.

It's a pleasure, Governor.

Well, lads,
you've paid your debt to society.

Thank you.

You can now consider yourselves free men.

But before you go--

[shouts] We're free!

Free! We're free! [shouts]

-We're free!
-What's the matter?

-Ah, Dodger, we're free men.
-Yes, I know.

Mom! Mom, we're free!
We're coming home, Mom!

I'll be home for Christmas
and I want turkey!

Would you like to speak to the governor?

We're home free, Dodger!

We'll be home for Christmas!
Mom, we're coming home for Christmas! Mom!

Mom, get cookin', will ya?
Get that turkey on quick, Mom.

Oh, we'll love it.
Here, Dodge, you can come.

You can have a leg.
We're gonna have pudding,

and you can come and you can
have some turkey, Dodger.

-[Dodger] Yeah, lovely.
-Would you like that?

My mom is a smashing cook!
We're free, Dodge!

You saying "free"
has mentally unhinged him.

-Get some water, Governor.
-[Lennie] We're free, Dodger.

Poor lad, poor lad. Freedom's
a heady wine, you know, Governor.

[Lennie] Where am I? What happened, eh?

Soon you'll be home with your dear mom.

I think the sooner we get him
in the fresh air, the better.

Yes, a good idea. We'll put him in
the front of the bus with the window open.

-Bus?
-Don't you think we better go in your car

in the circumstances, Vicar?

Oh, no, leave it to me.
The bus is better in every way.

Oh, yes, yes.
Well, we better get started, you know.

I'm meeting another welfare group
on the 10:50. I'll come along with you.

-Capital idea.
-Are you sure you're better?

[Lennie]
Yeah, I'll be all right now, Governor.

[Soapy]
Come on, my boy. Come on, my son. Come on.

-Can you manage my case, Knight?
-All right, Vicar.

Thank you, thank you.

[Lennie] Which way? We go over here…

[Bennett] Okay.

Here, what do you mean
it's better to go by bus?

Well, don't be silly.
There are roadblocks all over the place.

You'll never get through in my car,

as they won't think of stopping
the prison bus, not with him in it.

-Come on.
-Yeah.

Yeah, that's true, that's true.

[Crout]
Hold it! Hold it, hold it, hold it.

You going to the station?

I want to pick up the rest of my luggage.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't know you were there.

[Bennett] All right, Mr. Crout.
If you must, you must.

[Crout] Thank you, sir.

[tense music playing]

All right, driver.

[playful music playing]

Excuse me, sir.
I didn't know you was on the bus, sir.

I was just going to collect my cases
from the left luggage.

-[Bennett] That's all right, Mr. Crout.
-[Crout] Won't be a minute, sir.

Aye.

-Ah, there you are, Padre.
-[chuckles]

-Come along.
-Thanks very much, Governor.

Very nearly forgot my umbrella.

Well, goodbye, Mr. Crout.

All right, you lot.
You'll be back, don't you worry.

And heaven help you when you are.

You want to be careful
who you're talking to, my good man.

You're a public servant.

-I'll have you. I'll--
-Shut up. I'm talking.

[chuckling]

-Well, goodbye, Knight.
-Goodbye, sir.

-Goodbye, Price.
-Bye, sir.

-And don't let me see you again.
-No fear, sir.

-Goodbye, Lane.
-Cheerio, Governor.

-Goodbye, Padre.
-Oh, goodbye.

-Thanks again for all you've done.
-Don't mention it.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll just see
if my welfare group have arrived.

-[chuckles]
-Goodbye, boys.

I have an idea Crout had me rumbled.

I'll keep out of the way
until the last moment.

See you on the train.

[silly music playing]

Here, Lennie. Cop one of these.

[frivolous music playing]

Soapy Stevens.

Soapy Stevens!

[dramatic music playing]

[whistle tooting]

I understand the governor,
he's meeting us here

and transport has been laid on
to take us to the prison.

Gotcha! I thought I recognized you!

Up to your old larceny, eh?

Good heavens, man!
What is the matter with you?

[laughs]

What on earth do you think
you're doing, Officer?

I beg your pardon, sir.

-Are you taking the mickey out of me?
-Take the mickey? What do you mean?

-How dare you?
-Where's Soapy Stevens? Soapy Stevens.

You're hiding him, aren't you?

[laughing]

-Where is he?
-Is he all right?

[man] No, he's mad.

I know he's here.
I saw him come in the station.

Here, you want to watch him!

He's always like that
with clerical vicars.

-Yeah!
-[laughing]

My dear Patterson,
what on earth is going on?

Oh, thank goodness you are here, Governor.

This… This man suddenly
and violently assaulted me from behind.

What the devil do you mean by it, Crout?

Sir, one of these men is an imposter, sir.

His name is Soapy Stevens.

I remember him at Parkhurst, sir.
He was a con man.

What on earth are you talking about?

He was a crook, sir!
They're all crooks, sir.

That's what it is. They're all crooks!

My dear Patterson, what can I say?

I'm afraid this man has shown signs
of this before, you know.

Now kindly go to the bus
and leave me to deal with him.

Yes, certainly, Governor.

-[laughter]
-Come along, gentlemen.

-[laughing]
-Look at that.

Well, Mr. Crout.

-I'll go and collect my luggage, sir.
-[whistle blowing]

-I should. And Crout.
-Yes, sir?

Wouldn't it be better for all of us
if you addressed it

straight back to where it came from?

-[whistle blows]
-[Dodger] Cheerio, Croutie!

[Lennie] Cheerio, Croutie!

-Arrivederci, Croutie!
-Bye!

Pull your hat up. Bye now!

Porter, porter, you. Come here.

What's wrong with this part of the train?

-Oh, cor blimey!
-[laughing]

[steam whistle blowing]

-No sign of him.
-No.

-Dodger.
-Yeah?

Soapy's definitely not on the train.

Well, he'll have to catch
the next one, won't he?

Yeah. [laughing]

[man] Can I see your ticket, please?

-It's the law.
-What?

They're coming down the corridor
asking questions, Dodge.

-Sit down. Act natural.
-All right.

-They can't have tumbled.
-Unless they got Soapy.

Yeah, but even if they got old Soapy,
he'd never squeal.

Nah, of course, he wouldn't.

-[Lennie] Nah.
-Old Soapy wouldn't.

Soapy's all right, isn't he?

-Yeah, not Soapy.
-[chuckles]

Yeah.

Soapy's…

-[dramatic music]
-Here, hop on the roof, Lennie.

With this train moving? You mad?

-Hop on the roof, Lennie.
-Why don't you go?

[Lennie]
Instead of both of you, it's always me!

I gotta always bloody do it.

Dodge!

-[Dodger] You all right?
-[Lennie] Yeah.

[Lennie] Come on, then.

-Lennie!
-What?

Stay up there
and relax till I give you the office.

-Relax?
-[chuckles]

Excuse me, gentlemen.
May I ask if you are both for London?

-Yeah, that's right.
-Yeah, yeah.

[whistle blowing]

"Federal warrant, Huntleigh Prison."

Ten a.m. this morning.

Well, that certainly lets them out.

Well, I must say you've, uh,

you've got the perfect alibi.

[chuckles] Yeah, yeah.
That's what we've got, all right.

-That's perfect. Perfect alibi, yeah.
-[chuckling]

[jolly music playing]

[Dodger] Oi, Lennie!
It's all right to come down now.

-Have they gone?
-Give us the bag down first.

Hang on, then.

-All yours, Dodge.
-[whistle blowing]

Jelly!

[Dodger] Oh, no!

That wasn't the mail train,
was it, George?

No, it wasn't.

[silly music playing]

Blimey. What are we gonna do now, Dodger?

Change at Clapham Junction.

[gentle music playing]

And now the ancient and sacred ceremony

of weighing His Sublime Highness

against precious stones of great worth.

My lord treasurer.

[gentle music playing]