All language subtitles for The Simpsons - 36x13 - The Last Man Expanding_track3_[eng]

♪ The Simpsons ♪

D'oh!

D'oh!

This guy must be a pinball wizard!

I'm at work. D'oh!

Hmm. Something feels different.

It's 11:00 a.m. on a weekday.

I'm on my 3rd beer, right on schedule.

No, wait, Homer's right.

Something's, uh, missing.

Wasn't there a grade from
the health inspector over there?

Nah, it's always been that sign.

Next year, I hope they give me a U.

I know what's missing.

Did a woman named Diane
used to work at this bar,

and now she's been
replaced by a woman named Rebecca?

If a woman named Diane had a lead role in
a bar like this, why would she ever leave?

That'd be career suicide.

No, it's not some smart,
ambitious woman that's missing.

In fact,
it's the complete opposite of that.

- Barney.
- Barney.

No Barney?
When's the last time he was here?

Oh. Oh, God.

He's been gone at least a week.

Hey, guys.

Beat it, string bean.
We're trying to figure out

- what happened to our friend Barney.
- I'm Barney. Ta-da.

And you ain't Barney.

Barney Gumble is overweight, boozed-up,
can't go two seconds without unleashing a...

Barney!

Uh. Wow, buddy.
You really lost some weight.

Yeah, I was feeling kind of blah,

so I went to the doctor
and he ordered up some tests.

Oh, my dear friend. Oh, this ain't good.

No!

Why does God take all the people
that drink themselves to death?

It's not that bad.

The tests just showed
that I have hyperglycemia.

So, low blood sugar?

Lenny. He said, "hyper," not "hypo."

Any idiot knows the difference, idiot.

So, Barn, you-you're not dying?

Except in the same slow,
horrible way we all are.

Soon enough, my pretties.

I'm fine.

They put me on this medicine
that regulates my glucose.

Othinquic.
The weight loss is just a side effect.

Wow.
A medicine that actually makes you skinny?

That's the best side effect
since Viagra was created for...

What was Viagra created for?

I think it was to help comedy writers.

- Oh, yeah.
- Those are always funny.

Hey, let's celebrate.
Uh, refresh my memory.

Beer is your drink, right?

No, thanks.

Another welcome side effect
is I no longer crave alcohol.

One club soda with lime, please.

Don't crave alcohol?

I can't let this secret get out.

What secret?

Wonder weight loss drug.

Hey, Lou. Wanna hear
the big news I'm gonna tell everyone?

Yeah, but, Chief,
the bank robbers are right over there.

And they can stay there
until I tell you this interesting fact.

It all started at Moe's.

You know, the place
next to the, uh, the music store.

You mean the one the bank robbers
are holed up in?

If you keep interrupting,
I'm just gonna talk slower.

Thanks.
I need to give something to my son.

A calming butterscotch?

Never leave me alone.

Now leave me alone.

Wow, Chief. That drug really works.

Go ahead, Lou. Put your hand in there.
Hey, that's an order.

- I resign.
- Well, even so, I got you for two weeks.

Now stick it in. Yeah, right there.
That's it.

I mean, it has really changed my life.

Sarah and I are making whoopee again.
We're gonna have more Ralphies soon.

A big one, a girl one,
one that even looks more like Eddie.

Must try this drug.

Diet and exercise do not work for me,
as I do not do them.

So does it come in gummy or vape?

It's in a convenient needle
that you inject yourself with once a week,

but you need a prescription.

To the "doct-arr!" Then the "ph-arr-macy!"

♪ Well, you can tell by the way
I use my walk ♪

♪ I'm a woman's man, no time to talk ♪

♪ Music loud and women warm ♪

♪ I've been kicked around
since I was born ♪

♪ And now it's alright, that's okay... ♪

I really don't think
you need to lose weight, sir.

My target weight is to fit inside
a mailing tube by Christmas.

Jab me.

Excellent.

For the first time
since the invention of the McNugget,

America's waistbands are shrinking

because, with this epidemic,
people actually wanna get their shots.

But is this new drug safe?

Our answer: Yes, of course.

What are you, crazy?

Won't surprise you
after this word from our sponsor.

Do you suffer from blood sugar issues?

Or are you just not bathing suit-ready

and willing to claim
you have blood sugar issues?

The new Danish drug Othinquic
might be for you.

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

I'm a mirakelmedicin.

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

We're going to be best friends forever,

which is how long you have to take me.

Side effects include
lack of appetite, pancreatitis,

having to buy new pants,

a brutally painful death and not
being able to play Santa at Christmas.

- Othinquic.
- ♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

Okay, I have to address the elephant
in the room, by which I mean Homer.

How come you're not on that stuff, dumbo?

Because it makes you stop eating,
and eating is natural.

Body positivity.

Yes, I'm positive you look
like a talking beach ball.

Listen, boy.

I would only go on medication
if a doctor told me to,

and I don't see doctors.

Always telling me to do stuff.

Hey, at least I'll never lose you
in a crowd.

Bart, enough with the fat-shaming.

I love Dad however he looks,
and Mom does too. Right, Mom?

Um...

Right, Marge?

Hmm. Uh...

Well, I support you, Dad.

I'm proud of you
for not giving in to Big Pharma.

The only thing I'm giving in to
is Big Parma at Luigi's.

- Whoo-hoo! All right.
- Yay, Dad!

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Mama, we got a reservation.

I can't cook. I gotta the SoulCycle.

Whoo-hoo!

What's wrong, Marge?

Upset that you're going to be
the only woman in town

stuck with an overweight hubby?

What? No, of course not. Am I?

- Ow!
- You love Homer. I get it.

But obesity is a major health risk.

I should know. I'm in medicine.

Actually, you are medicine.

Good one. Yeah.

So maybe you do want him to change.

Wouldn't he be hotter
if he looked like this?

Oh!

Something for both of you.

A six-pack and a washboard.

Or you could just let things go
as they are and...

Yeah.

Homer. Homer, wake up. I need you.

For snuggling?

Talking, talking.

Oh. That's just as good.

Totally. Please, continue.

I've been thinking, maybe you should try
to get down to fun size again.

But I thought you loved me for who I am.

I do. But I want you to see Lisa
graduate from college

and see Bart get a good deal
on a used car.

Please take the medicine.

Okay, okay. I'll do it.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Now it's snuggling time.

I hate having eyes that can't blink.

Oh, I tried everything to lose weight.

I hired personal chefs,
consulted the best doctors,

as well as Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz.

I even bought a weight loss company.

You know, normal people stuff,

but nothing worked
until I got on Othinquic.

And now check this out.

I'm as thin as I was on the night
my boyfriend Steadfast proposed,

but this is permanent,

unless the drug stops working,

which you better hope it doesn't

because you're all going on it.

Look under your seats.

You get a waistline. You get a waistline.

Oh, I am so generous that it
doesn't matter that I'm not humble.

And remember, only read books I like.

That drug is a miracle.

So when did you two go on it?

Uh, we didn't.

We lost this weight by exercise
and eating in moderation.

Right. Moderation.

Also, we quit smoking.

That helps people lose weight, right?

No. Actually...

Besides, our fiancés love it.

Fiancés? You're getting married?

Yep. To people from work.

Never interested in them before.

Because they were chubbos.

And how did they lose weight?

Eating in moderation.

Well, even if they did take that drug,
I don't think they need to be ashamed.

Homer's seeing the doctor
about getting on it right now.

Homer? Huh. They better find a needle
strong enough to get through hippo hide.

I'm sorry you don't have a husband
with the willpower

to lose weight naturally like us.

Yeah. By the way, Marge,
can we each borrow $900 a month?

It's for, um... ...vegetables.

And yoga pants.

If we miss one dose of yoga pants,
we balloon right back up.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

$900 a month? Why is it so expensive?

Health insurance stopped covering it,
and the pharmacies are out of stock.

The first priority are the people
who need it the most.

The people who are actually sick?

No. A-list Hollywood stars.

It's the most difficult time of the year:
award season.

Where did you get yours?

Oh, I'm not on it.

I-I lost this weight naturally.

As a doctor,
I know the value of diet and exercise.

You've been a doctor for 20 years.
Why didn't you lose weight before?

Get out.

Do you have Othinquic?

No. Just Sudafed, NyQuil,

and one of the hardest things of all
to get out of a drugstore:

razor blades.

I've, uh, heard you're looking
for a certain weight loss vaccine.

- You got cash?
- Does anyone anymore?

Not to worry, we take the Venmo.

And occasionally the Zelle.

But never the Cash App.

They offer the Bitcoin,
but not the Ethereum.

How am I supposed
to arbitrage between the two?

Forget about it.

Mmm.

Here you go.

Pure uncut Othinquic.

Guaranteed to reduce the labonza.

It's the anti-antipasto.

Where did you get this?

Let's just say

a truck lost a little weight

passing through Springfield.

Wait a minute. I thought you don't
get high on your own supply.

I personally lost this weight

through diet and exercise.

Even you lie about it?

If you can't trust godfathers,
who can you trust?

I don't cheat on diets.

I would never cheat on anything.

Except my wife.

♪ Weight loss drug ♪

♪ Drop a size without exercise ♪

♪ When I put a spike into my leg ♪

♪ I get full from just one egg ♪

♪ Eating hot dogs with no bun ♪

♪ Half a sandwich and I'm done ♪

♪ And I eat, but I just don't gorge ♪

♪ I can see my feet
'Cause I just don't gorge ♪

Hmm.

What happened to these people?

They look fabulous, right?

They look sad.

Maybe it's all that loose skin
sagging from their faces.

Hey, getting Othinquic face
is one of the few negative effects,

and you can always fix that
with injections of body fat.

Trust me, I'm a wonder drug.

The more I see, the more I wonder.

Okay, boomer.

Look, weight loss is healthy,
no matter how.

We've done a lot of research.

On safety?

On profits. The profits are 100% safe,

and we'll find out the dangers
sooner or later.

After everyone's already on it?

Including my husband.

Exactly. The most enormous beta test
of all time,

and you lab rats
are paying us to be in it.

Patetiske tåber, which means "suckers."

Homer!

Dad, are you sure you want to do this?

As sure as I was
that I didn't want to do it yesterday.

In that case, I support you,
but just barely.

That's what Dad's chair says.

Oh, man. I'm gonna miss making fat jokes.

You'll still have bald jokes.

It's not the same.

Goodbye, my love handles.

You'll be in heaven
with my back fat, my triple chin,

and my... ...finger chub.

- Stop! Homer, stop!
- Huh?

No. No, no, no.

You're throwing it out?
But you wanted me to take it.

I was wrong.
I know it's the hot new trend,

but so were fanny packs, tramp stamps,
and Teslas.

Mmm.

I usually cover this with my fanny pack.

But I thought you were worried
about us growing old together.

Of course I want that.

But what's even more important
is that you're here with us right now,

and we can move on safely.

Hey, what are you doing?

Homer,
as the only overweight man left in town,

you have something
that we desperately need.

You're kidnapping my husband?

Think of it as a side effect
of not taking weight loss drugs.

Andiamo.

No, no, no, no.

He's too fat to fit in the car.

Put him in the trunk.

He's too fat to fit in the trunk.

Lash him to the roof.

We're gonna need more rope.

Ooh! Pork chops.

Fat Tony.

Ooh! Pork chops.

We need your fat to fill in our faces

so we can look eternally young
like the Real Housewives,

who don't look real and spend
all their time outside of the house.

Now eat. Mangia.

What you said
makes me almost not want to eat.

- The police are gonna be furious.
- Actually, uh, no, we're not.

Come on, swallow.

Can't wait to get your ass in my face.

You monster!

Wait till the Mayor hears about this!

Oh, believe me, I know.

Slim Tony and I are in cahoots.

The Mayor in league with the mob?

I'm happy to reach across the aisle

as long as it's not with the members

of another political party.

Give me back my husband!

Look who's here.

Little Miss
"thin without having to take drugs."

Which none of us take.

You're just jealous because
we're more beautiful than you.

Now, out of the way.

Because, for the first time ever,
we want your husband.

Well, I'm taking my husband back.

You and what army?

This-a army.

We are the true victims of Ozempic...
I mean, uh, uh, Othinquic.

The hard-working-a people
who make-a your food.

And who pour your damn drinks.

You think you could operate
a beer tap by yourself?

Yes, you could.

So, uh... Where am I going with this?

These-a drugs
don't-a just stop your eating.

They stop-a all your compulsive behavior.

And compulsive behavior is-a
the only reason anybody eats-a spaghetti.

It's like-a worms with less-a nutrients.

Hypocrito.

Criticizing us when you're
clearly riding the O-Train yourself.

I am not-a taking the drugs.

Yeah, we know.

"Diet and exercise."

No. I lost-a weight legitimately
from a severe depression.

You, you are ruining my life.

Homer, they took your tuchus.

You can't leave me like this.

I'm like the Batman villain Two Face:

beautiful on one side
and hideous on the other.

Uh, which is the beautiful side again?

Here's a thought:
Maybe you can all stop taking the drug.

If I knew the meaning of the word "stop,"
I would not be taking it. Der!

Look at your faces.

Let me try.
I've had more experience addressing mobs.

I am the last fat man in Springfield,

and while I can't see my feet,
I can see something else.

You are all unhappy.

Love people for what's inside.

Lots of delicious food.

And admire the ingenuity
of the American chemist

who has designed potato chips
that make you hungrier,

sodas that make you thirstier,

all-you-can-eat restaurants
that make you never feel full again.

We sit eating food, watching TV about food

with commercials for more food!

Food-S-A! Food-S-A!

Goldarn it. Replace the word "America"
with the word "Texas,"

and I agree with everything you said.

I'm getting off this stuff.

And back on statins, antidepressants,
mood elevators, and useless vitamins.

Is my old table available?

Yes, yes. And the gun
is still-a behind the toilet for you.

Fratello mio. Ooh-ee!

Is a happy end.

Patty and Selma gained back the weight
and lost the fiancés.

They're doing a group
sologamy celebration instead.

Salami celebration? What's that?

It's when a person marries themselves,

but there'll be two of them
doing it together,

but not to be together

even though they live together.

Good night, sweetheart.

So what are you going to wear?

That strapless black dress, right?

Oh, it's from before I had kids.

I doubt it still fits.

The ceremony is still a month away,

and I'm exactly a month's supply.

After everything I've seen,

why should I trust you?

It's just a month. One and done.

Hmm. I would love to wear that dress.

Whoa.

I feel a little nauseous.

Why is everything black?
Did I lose my vision?

Blindness is a side effect,
but that's only 3% of cases.

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic! ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ You might lose your big toe ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

♪ Beware you might lose all your hair ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

♪ You cough, then your kidneys fall off ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

♪ You'll die ♪

♪ But you'll be thin so don't cry ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, Othinquic ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! ♪

Shh!