Original subtitles

(CHEERFUL MUSIC)

(FANFARE)

MAN: Now, this whole operation depends on split-second timing.

The bonded stores are there.

The gold bullion is the one nearest to the security office,

which is there.

There's an airport police patrol which covers the whole

of the northside area every 15 minutes.

It is between these that it has to be done.

The Banker has allowed ten minutes for the whole operation.

This gate off the Bath Road, nine times out of ten,

is left fairly free. That is your way in.

Nowhere the gold has got to go.

Zero hour is the first fog at London Airport.

(UP-TEMPO ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

This is the BBC Home Service. Here is the Six O'clock News.

During the past 48 hours,

thick fog has blanketed most parts of the country,

and traffic has been brought to a standstill.

British Railways, however,

announce that their northern services,

which were temporarily suspended due to last week's floods,

are once more in operation,

and their southern services,

which were not affected by the floods,

are now temporarily suspended due to the fog.

At London Airport,

the last plane in was the Comet from Johannesburg,

which landed nearly 12 hours ago.

Since that time, all air traffic has been virtually paralysed,

planes being unable to take off or land.

Special emergency measures have now been put into operation

to warn approaching aircraft of the dangers

not only of the worst visibility for years

but also of the crowded state of the runways.

Meanwhile, in the airport itself, hundreds of stranded tourists

can get neither in nor out of London.

(CHATTER) (CHEERFUL MUSIC)

WOMAN: (OVER PA) 'Your attention, please.

May I have your attention, please?

There is still no sign of the fog lifting,

and all flights continue to be suspended.

There will be a further announcement within the next hour. Thank you.'

MAN: (OVER PA) 'Your attention, please.

Transatlantic flight 412 will now leave from another airport

where the fog is lifting slightly.

Will all passengers for New York, flight 412,

kindly proceed to the east entrance,

where there's a coach waiting to take them to Hurn Airport.'

Hurn? Where the heck is Hurn?

Who cares? It's good to know it's place and not a complaint.

It's down in Hampshire, normally about a two-hour run.

Oh, fine. We'll probably spend Christmas there!

Young woman? When does all this nonsense stop?

Er, I beg your pardon? And so you should.

I've been kept here against my will for nearly six hours.

I am sorry, madam, but there's very little we can do.

And why on earth not?!

It's no good thinking negatively about things.

Negative thought can do nothing. Positive thought can do anything.

Now, what about that contrivance you invented during the war?

I am sorry, madam, I - That, uh...

PLUTO thingamy, you burnt away the fog with something or other.

Oh, you mean FIDO. Oh, PLUTO, FIDO, jumbo!

It did away with fog, didn't it? Well, yes, madam, but -

That was Churchill, a positive thinker.

You could do with a Churchill at this airport.

Get FIDO working at once! FIDO will soon be working!

Well, I'm afraid we don't use it in peacetime, madam.

It's a little too costly. Too costly?!

And do you know what six hours here has cost me already?

Apart from four cups of tea at the disgraceful price -

If you go and talk to the receptionist,

I'm sure she can arrange some sort of transport for you to London.

But I don't want to go to London. I want to go to Dublin!

Well, they'll fix everything at the reception counter, madam.

And don't call me madam!

Miss! Do I look like a madam?

Er, miss, that announcement, does it mean

that all New York planes are coming in at Hurn?

Now, sir, only outgoing planes.

Incoming are being held at Shannon.

Shannon? How do I get to Shannon?

Northolt or Blackbushe Airport, but nothing's flying at the moment.

But it's imperative I meet Pan American flight 146.

Well, I wish I could help, sir. Try Pan American reception.

Thank you.

Position closed?

Nonsense! Service!

I'm sorry, madam. That counter is closed.

Ridiculous! Excuse me.

Look here, young woman.

Don't you realise that this is a time

when every able-bodied person

should be working for the common cause?

Why don't you take your turn? Hush!

The plane for Dublin will fly.

I'm afraid Dublin planes fly from Northolt or Blackbushe,

not London Airport.

Then why did your bus bring me here?

I'm sure they couldn't have known you were a Dublin flight.

As soon as we get a coach back,

you can join these passengers for London.

But I don't want to go to London. I want to go Blackbushe Airport!

Excuse me. My name's Waterman. I came in on the jet this morning -

How very sporting of you!

I'm for Dublin, too.

Miss, there's someone coming in at Shannon I've simply got to meet,

so wherever the Irish planes go from,

you've got to get me there.

There are no planes leaving for anywhere yet.

Nevertheless, I'd feel safer being on the spot.

On the spot. If there's a bus going to Blackbushe,

it could drop me off at Basingstoke.

Basingstoke? Yes, I live there. Do you mind?

Oh, delightful place!

We had a minor branch of Positive Thought there.

I don't think I could stand it otherwise.

Well, then, that's settled. How many for Blackbushe?

One, two, three.

You see? The will of the people.

Transport, please.

Terminal? Look, coach nine should be there at any minute.

Mmm. Now, send it back as quick as possible.

Is it clearing at all?

Thicker? How can it be thicker than this?

(TELEPHONE BUZZES)

Hold on a minute.

Yes, well, look, we must have nine back right away.

Mmm. Swiss Air wants to move a party of missionaries to Croydon.

I don't know how.

Calling coach 12. Hello, coach 12.

Report your position, please. Over.

MAN: (OVER RADIO) 'Hello, Airport? Coach 12 reporting.

About six miles past Maidenhead.

Visibility much better. Seems to be lifting.'

Nine's just in? Fine. Send him back.

It doesn't matter. We need him.

Transport.

Yes. Where to?

Blackbushe?

Listen, dear, I don't care if she's got SIX umbrellas,

we don't have a coach.

Well, who brought Dublin passengers here?

They could probably make Blackbushe. It's clearing past Maidenhead.

And how do they go, by scooter?

We still have emergency relief number 13. Is it an emergency?

It's a large woman running amok with an umbrella.

That's an emergency at any airport.

Page the relief driver.

Oh, OK, OK, if it's our mistake, then we'd better rectify it.

Relief coach coming up.

Oh, you'd better check with the duty officer.

There'll have to be a stewardess with them.

WOMAN: (OVER PA) 'Will the driver of relief coach 13

come to the main entrance, please?'

Who's on duty and still free? Nobody. They're all out on coaches.

What about Miss Nicholls?

Oh, she's been going nine hours straight.

She's just going on leave. She is not, you know?

It has half a top and no side-flaps,

but if you don't mind the fog getting in -

For a bath and some sleep, I'd put up with anything.

I don't know if that's very complimentary.

I'm much too tired to work it out.

Miss Nicholls? I wouldn't ask if there was anyone else available.

Oh. Thanks for the lift, chum.

Well, what is it - lost children, air-sick grandmother

or a Pekinese with hysterics?

Emergency relief coach to Blackbushe.

Oh, much worse. Well, give me a Benzedrine and leave me to it.

Come on. PA: 'Driver of relief coach 13,

you're wanted at once. Please hurry.'

I dunno.

Oh! (SPITS)

(KNOCKS)

Yes, what is it?

Am I still in England, do you know?

This is the security office.

Well, somebody has moved the main entrance.

Are you on relief? I shall be if I don't find my coach!

They've been shouting for you.

You'd better get round to the main departure hall.

Oh, be a pal and let me get in through here, will you?

Ta.

That's right, you just stand there and enjoy it.

Never mind that. Help me. Uh!

Well, don't strain yourself.

Why they make the window for midgets...?

They weren't made for that purpose. Neither was I.

Excuse me. In transit.

Now...

Oh, no. (SIGHS)

This place has got more outside than inside.

Sorry. Wrong door.

Pardon me.

Look, I don't ask much out of life.

I could ask for a rise, a bonus, danger money...

but I don't. I ask one thing only:

How do I get to the main entrance?

WOMAN: (OVER PA) 'Will the driver of relief coach 13

come to the main entrance...' Ooh!

Are you the driver of the coach? Yes!

Well, why aren't you over at Transport?

Because... because...

I felt my way to the canteen,

had a cup of tea,

and then, in quick succession - succession -

I lost my way, my bearings,

my coach and my temper!

'Diver of relief coach 13, please hurry.'

That's what I'm trying to do!

Let me use your phone. If I may.

Hello?

Will you give me Transport, dear?

Yes, that's right, Transport.

This would have to happen now, just when I wanted a day off.

It's my grandmother - poor old soul.

Is she dead?

No, she's home on leave.

Hello? Transport?

This is Percy Lamb, relief driver.

Now, look, don't you start.

I don't know where you are, I don't know where the coach is,

and I don't know where I am.

Now, which would you like me to find first?

Yeah... I'm in the security office.

I came in through the window.

Now what? They say it's quite simple -

they say.

They say if I stand with my back to the window,

keep going for 150 yards,

it's 20 yards past the third bay on the left.

They say.

Of course, they don't want a driver.

They want a mathematician!

If they're still shouting for me in half an hour,

tell them to send out a few St Bernards.

(SIGHS) Now...

Er, left, left.

Right.

One yard, two yards,

three yards, four yards...

..210 yards, 211 yards,

212 yards.

213... Oh, I dunno.

Ah! Hey!

Have you seen the airport anywhere?

MAN: no, mate. Didn't land on this runway!

Ha-ha! Very funny!

I hope you get cut off by the tide!

I love you too!

Ah!

Ah, a building.

(SIGHS) Terra firma.

(KNOCKS)

Well...

(WHINES) Hoo!

Hmm!

No, don't tell me, don't tell me.

Just let me start again from the beginning.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?

(UPBEAT) Mmm!

(DOWNBEAT) Mmm!

WOMAN: (OVER PA) 'Relief driver, please.

We're still waiting for you.'

All right, I'm here. Begad.

Driver? Sorry, miss, I was having a cuppa.

Bring up the relief coach. We're waiting. Aye-aye, Capitaine.

You don't happen to know where it is, do you?

In the usual place, behind the security shed.

The secur... Hmm, highly comical!

I've just come from there. (GASPS) It's a game, this is!

As quick as you can. We're taking a party of four to Blackbushe.

To where? Blackbushe.

But... You don't mean Shepherd's Bush, do you?

No, Blackbushe Airport. It's clearing down there.

It won't be too bad a drive after Maidenhead.

Oh, Blackbushe Airport? Oh. Mmm.

She's raving mad.

I dunno.

(GRUNTS) Oh, I'm sorry.

You're welcome. Erm, oi! Er, sir?

Could you tell me the way to Blackbushe Airport?

It's down the Southampton Road. You can't miss it.

Are you kidding? "Can't miss it!"

Tuh!

Now I've lost the coach.

Coach?

Coach, coach, coach?

Oh, don't mess about!

(THUD) Ooof!

Blessed thing!

Blackbushe!

I hope you're pointing the right way.

If I have to turn you around in this, we've had it.

(ENGINE RUMBLING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Come on!

(CLATTER) Hey!

(GRUNTS) (CLATTER)

Janie Grey for Basingstoke.

Oooh.

Cynthia Beeston.

And why this couldn't have been done six hours ago, I really...

Are you the driver? Yes, ma'am.

Hmph!

What's she "hmphing" about?

Your destination, Miss Beeston?

Dublin. Where else should I be going?

Ho-ho, I shall have to tell her. Shhh.

Edward Schroeder for Shannon.

And your name, sir? Oh, I'm so sorry.

Henry Waterman. I'm going to Dublin, too.

Dublin? They'll be lucky if they get as far as Blackbushe.

What's your name? Percy Lamb, miss, relief driver.

All right, Percy, let me have the key to the boot

and you can put the luggage in.

Look, miss! I've never been to Blackbushe before.

You'll have to help me. I will. Just turn left out of the gate.

Ah, yes, but how do we find the gate?

Via radar? Key, Percy.

I know! What do you think I'm doing, scratching myself?

I can't find it. (TUTS) Ah, well, never mind.

There isn't much luggage. We'll put it in the coach.

(KNOCKING)

(INDISTINCT)

And you, misery guts!

(INDISTINCT)

We've got a right one here.

You're gonna get yourself into trouble.

Well, she gets you down. (KNOCKING)

Yes, you, dear. I dunno.

Have you seen the main gate recently?

You're about to go through it. Good.

Well, I hope it's open.

Hello. Do you mind if I hitch a ride?

Not if you want to go to Blackbushe.

I hear it's clearing out there.

I'm off duty. I'm trying to catch a lift to the continent.

There may be a crate going out from there.

It's a very exclusive party you've got here.

Good evening!

(SIGHS) Well, this is going to be a matey ride!

Or, er... is it?

I should save THAT for the continent.

Young man! Are you the captain of the bus?

No, I'm just a passenger. Miss, er -

Nicholls. Can I do anything for you?

Well, surely, the driver can go faster than this?

It's pretty thick, but they say it's clearing further on.

Do you think it would help if I were to walk in front?

Well, what a noble gesture!

But I could never countenance that.

Oh, that's quite all right, really, if you're in a hurry.

What a sweet little man you are! I shall come and sit next to you.

But I like to be by the window.

Well, I only thought, you see, that if I was to walk in front -

Oh, what's that pretty book you're reading?

Oh, that? That's the seed catalogue.

Well, now, isn't that fun! (GIGGLES)

You shall read bits of it aloud to me.

Then the journey won't seem so long.

(GIGGLING)

Did you know the only way to kill a zombie

was to squirt hot wax over him?

I didn't. But I'll make a note of it.

MAN: (OVER RADIO) 'Calling relief coach 13.

Relief coach 13, calling relief coach 13. Over.'

Stiffen the crows!

Oi, turn it up. Bawling like that!

My stomach went over.

'Is that relief coach 13?'

Yes, it is.

If I'd seen that before, I shouldn't have taken this job.

Visibility's bad around Slough but it's lifting beyond there.

'Keep in touch if you have trouble.'

Right. If I get lonely, we can play 20 questions.

(BELL RINGING, WHISTLE BLOWING)

And what is all that supposed to be?

Hello?

We've got a right lot here!

(BELL RINGING, WHISTLE BLOWING) PERCY: 'Hello? Are you there?!'

Close all gates and put in a security call.

I want a list of all commercial vehicles out of here.

Trouble? Bullion robbery, someone's ripped 200 gold bars.

(WHISTLES)

Repeat: General security call, close all gates immediately...

WOMAN: (OVER PA) 'All passengers please remain where they are.

Whichever section of the building you are in, please remain there.

This is only temporary. Please cooperate.'

Acetylene blow-lamp.

They bypassed the windows, that's why there was no alarm.

Where's the other guard? He's missing.

How do you feel? A bit dizzy, sir. I'll be all right.

Bring him up when he's had a rest, will you?

Sir, I just found this, 50 yards back there.

Yes, that looks like the tin-opener. Bring it in, will you? Yes, sir.

Any luck? We're going to need more than luck.

This looks like the Banker? Who's the Banker?

I'd like to know. So would a lot of insurance companies.

If it's gold, it's usually the Banker.

Clear this road. I want to take a tyre check.

It's already closed. We have a list of outgoing commercial vehicles,

but we don't check private cars. I'm not worried about private cars.

200 gold blocks need something heftier

than a private car to move them.

Oh! (HISSES)

(CLUNK)

Look, I'm sick of this. I haven't got a clue where we are.

I haven't seen the kerb for half an hour.

My nose is running, my eyes are watering,

and a merry Christmas to the lot of you!

I'll tell you this, if anyone else wants to have a go,

I'd just as soon walk in front with a box of matches. I'm telling you.

I had no idea it was this thick.

Till it lifts, frankly, I think we should stay here.

Stay here?! Heaven knows where we are or where we'll end up!

We could take a vote. But I have to get to Dublin!

And I to Shannon, but if we miss one plane, we can take another.

You don't think we've passed Basingstoke?

Quiet, girl! Look here, my good man.

I am chairman of the Positive Thought rally.

That may be but - There are no buts in Positive Thought!

The thought is the will is the deed.

Well, we could do with some positive thought to find a positive kerb!

I've had enough of your insolence. Let me by, little man.

I must face up to that driver.

I shall report you to the Air Marshal!

As far as I'm concerned, missus...

(INDISTINCT)

He shall be fired. Now, Mr Beeston, please.

Drummed out of the Air Force!

I have got a torch.

Perhaps it would help if somebody walked in front for a little way.

I think that's an excellent idea. We'll take it in turns.

Wait a minute. It isn't up to passengers -

Oh, we don't mind. I am a passenger, you know?

Wait. Wait, please wait.

What is your name, little man? Henry Waterman.

Please take care, dear Mr Waterman.

Put on your coat, I beg of you. And your hat.

Oh, thank you.

Ah, well.

He might, for all the world, be Hillary of Everest.

I'm afraid I'm not much good at this.

You and me both, mate.

Just find the kerb and lead me to it.

Well, you're still on the road, anyway.

That's me, boy - cat's eyes.

Anyway, we're still on the road.

You ever read a book called The Corpse Sat Up?

The Corpse Sat Up?! Yes, it was just like this.

A man went off into the fog and they never saw him again.

They found his head on top of a scarecrow.

Well, I'm glad YOU came, dear.

Thank you.

(TUTS) Scarecrows! Huh-huh!

You found the kerb yet?

Oi!

(WHISTLES) Don't mess about!

(WHIMPERS)

We're getting the lot tonight!

Hey! Can you hear me?

Oh, never again. Not this game, I wouldn't.

Hello!

(KNOCKS)

You want me? No, I want a second torch

to go and find the man with the first torch.

Well, he can't be far. Mr Waterman?

Mr Waterman? Well, the fog deadens sound.

I think someone should go and look for him.

All right, let's go.

And someone should stay with the ladies.

Of course.

Come on. Hang on to this, and don't let go.

Don't worry, I won't get lost.

No, but I might.

If anything has happened to that gallant little man -

Oh, he'll be all right.

You know, in the book The Corpse Sat Up -

Sit down.

I warn you, I shall personally sue the company on his behalf.

Mr Waterman?

Warty!

If you see any scarecrows, run for your life.

Ah-ha!

I talked to the exchange to see where we are.

Did you? Yes. We've just gone through Slough.

And they say it's quite clear past Maidenhead.

That's about another four miles.

That was very clever of you, Mr Waterman, but you had us worried.

Worried? Yes! Going off like that.

I'm responsible for you lot. Oh, I say...

We're very grateful to you, Mr Waterman.

It was a brilliant idea.

Now, if we can get back to the coach, we can, er...

Ooh, we can get back all right!

Just follow this. It's the luggage straps.

They're tied to the headlamps.

Don't worry - I got it.

Come on, follow my leader.

Here is the official weather forecast up till noon tomorrow

and the outlook for the following 24 hours.

Fog.

(BLEEPING)

(ENGINE RUMBLING

Hey, Warty, we can go faster than that.

The road bends to the left now.

I've been bent that way for the last hour.

All right, talk. I already told 'em.

We come in off the road by mistake.

In all this fog, you don't know where you are.

That's what I thought. Thanks. So you hid in the fire bay?

We wasn't hid, we was trying to find the road.

5'10", medium build, wavy brown hair, thin moustache,

aged 42, released Parkhurst 24th of February -

seven years, robbery with violence.

That's very nearly a pin picture.

All right, so I got a record.

Is that any reason for the police to persecute me?

I know nothing about it. About what?

Whatever it is that's eating you. You've got nothing on us.

Nothing at all...

...unless somebody's fingerprints are on this,

then somebody may get ten years.

All right, take them away.

Wait a minute.

All right, I'll help you if you help me.

I'll make no bargains. Shut up, you're mad!

I'm not taking the rap for a stinking hundred quid!

Who paid you? Came by post.

Who from? Dunno.

A hundred pounds comes by post, you don't know from whom

but you know you've gotta go to London Airport

and blow open a security shed?

It was planned that way for the first fog.

Who planned it? Dunno.

Where did the Banker say to hide the gold bars?

We were to put them in...

(CHUCKLES) Who said anything about the Banker?

I did. And now so have you.

Who is the banker? We don't know...

Go on. We were to put the bars in the luggage boot of the BAOC coach.

They were going to drive them out during the fog. Which coach?

The one behind the security shed. The emergency coach, number 13.

The relief coach? Holy smoke! Where is coach 13?

Somewhere between here and Blackbushe.

Contact it. Who's on it? Six people.

Get me the list.

How did you find out about this relief coach?

We watched it for three weeks. Where from?

House overlooking the airport. Which house?

23 Heath Way.

Check it. Calling relief coach 13.

Relief coach 13, come in, please. Over.

Relief coach 13, answer, please. Over.

They're not replying. Keep calling. They may have switched off.

He can't switch off his speaker, only his mic.

Well, keep at it.

We haven't got the passenger list for 13. Why not?

Went out in a hurry.

This stewardess must've taken both copies.

Well, who sent it out? The duty officer.

I'd like to see him.

Where did you send these reports? A man came to us to collect them.

What man? I don't know who he was.

Can you describe him? Yep. Go ahead.

Well, he was about... Duty officer?

Here you are.

Hello, coach 13. Are you receiving me?

Coach 13. Over.

'Calling relief coach, relief coach 13.

Please reply, this is urgent. Where are you, driver?'

(GRUNTING)

Well, come on, let's have it! What?

The torch, come on! I'm not Tarzan.

Now, let's see what it says.

Well, do we know where we are? They haven't come back yet.

Look, Nicky. My name is not Nicky.

Well, what is it? Miss Nicholls.

I prefer Nicky. That's a matter of taste.

Don't you think that you and I should be on the same side?

Both on the inside. Oh, now, look, for heaven's sake!

I'll take the torch as soon as he gets back.

If you want to know, the blonde begged me to stay in the coach.

The blonde? Yeah, she was scared stiff.

What, the thriller queen? Mmm.

PERCY: Oh, this again, missus. I'm sick of this... Hello there!

Well, did you learn anything? Yes - to mind my own business!

Percy, what happened? Isn't it marvellous, eh?

Six million signposts in Great Britain,

and I had to pick this one!

I know.

I think I know where we are.

Yes, I'm sure I know what's happened.

We took the left fork past Maidenhead.

And this should be on the road to Bletchingdon. I know it well!

There's a large flower nursery there, by a windmill.

I saw a windmill just now.

Yes. A windmill on the other side of the road.

Then, this IS Bletchingdon.

Good for you. Off we go.

You're a very clever little man. I protest.

You're submitting your passengers to great danger. Danger?

Certainly - to drive a coach this size

in this visibility is extremely dangerous.

Oh, nonsense! We know exactly where we are now.

Thanks to clever Mr Waterman.

Just because we passed a windmill? We might be anywhere.

Unless we've crossed the Channel, it can't be Holland!

Now, Percy - Well, he gets on your nerves.

Let him have a go - paint and all.

No one's blaming you, driver.

I just think it would be safer to stop here.

No, I will book no delay. Press on, driver.

Well, I'd sooner do that than park here and get another car up my boot.

Well, the high street can't be more than two miles ahead.

All right, I'll take the torch.

No, no, please, I know I've not been very good so far,

but I know the road now.

Of course you do, little man.

I'll see you're mentioned in the next issue of Thought.

Oh, thank you. You're very kind. Oh, not at all.

Thank you. Get your medal later. Come on, let's get moving.

Oh!

One meets so many gentlemen on these trips!

I went ahead because it seemed simpler than getting out.

Well, I don't wish to...

(SCREAMS)

Are you all right? I dropped my book, that's all.

Sorry. Got some fog in my gears.

MAN: (OVER RADIO) 'Calling relief coach 13, over.'

Now what? 'Coach 13?'

Yes. 'Where have you been?

Where are you, driver? Where are you?'

Hmm... we're lost, you clot!

Listen carefully, driver.

Close the window partition and let me know when you've done it.

'Now, look, cocker...' Now, don't talk. Do it.

(CLUNK) 'All right, it's closed.' Right.

Now, stop at the nearest habitation you can find. Use any excuse -

engine out of water, anything - and let me know where you are.

Is that clear? 'Is this a joke?'

You've got £200,000 worth of gold bullion in your luggage boot,

and the person who stole it is probably among your passengers.

Does that sound like a joke?

Hello? Driver?

'Do you hear me?' Yes, sir.

Mister.

Inspector. Detective.

Right. I'm holding you responsible for its safety

until the police get there. Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

Mister. Inspective.

'But we can't do anything until we know where you are.'

I think we're near a village called Bletchingdon.

I don't know that one.

Well, do me a favour, look it up.

'We're doing that now.' Here, what...?

'What's visibility like?' Don't mess about.

MAN: Switch on and tell them it's clearing a bit.

(HIGH VOICE) It's clear... (LOW VOICE) It's clearing a bit.

'Good. We'll stay on this end.'

Switch off.

Tell them not to call you until you call them,

in case someone hears.

Don't call me until I call you.

In case someone hears.

'Good man.'

Now switch off. Now swi... Oh.

Now, keep driving and don't stop until you're told.

Something unpleasant might happen.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Our friend the driver's doing pretty well.

Well, what about clever Mr Waterman

out there all by himself?

And none of you big strong men helping him.

(LOUD THUD)

Oh, blimey!

We've hit something. I didn't stop on purpose, honestly.

Well, nobody minds, Percy. Why get in a state?

You've done very well.

I just didn't want anyone to think I'd stopped on purpose,

because if I hadn't hit something, I shouldn't have stopped at all.

I just want everyone to believe that.

Relax, Percy. It is Percy, isn't it?

Yes, sir. I'll drive straight on, sir.

Not with that lot on the front. You've got to see the damage.

Well, yes, sir. Anything you say, sir.

You've done miracles so far. Nobody could've done better.

Let's go and do a little reconnaissance.

Well, someone's mad.

Agh!

It could only happen to me.

(GRUNTS)

We're in a field. We've gone through some boundary wires.

Where's Percy? In the coach.

He's not. What?

Percy?

Percy!

Percy? (ANNOYED) 'Ello!

Oh, Percy, now what?

Oh, the kiss of death, that's me.

Lord! What happened? I'm sorry, sir.

I did what you said, I got out.

But I fell in.

I'm ever so sorry, sir.

(HISSES)

What are we doing in a field?

All because the driver was told to press on.

Tuh! You know, a driver once lost his way

and drove a car into a cemetery by mistake.

Well, I don't wish to know about it.

And suddenly, the whole earth gave way,

and he fell right down into a mausoleum - car and all.

A mausoleum?

Yes, it was called Shrouds Don't Talk.

The book should be banned.

(MAN YELLING) What was that?

What? Did you hear a shout?

I can't hear a thing. My ears are ringing.

Please stand clear of the boot.

There's someone shouting out there.

Hello!

Who are you?

Hello there!

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Just drying myself. (HISSES)

Hello!

(HURRIED FOOTSTEPS)

Oh, and thank heaven! I thought I'd lost you for good.

Oh, you poor, dear little man! Are you all right?

Yes, yes, I'm all right.

But you've come right off the road!

I was on it when you turned off.

Stand clear, please!

You strong men ought to be ashamed of yourselves,

letting him walk in front all the time

while you sit back in comfort.

Comfort?! Huh!

Don't worry, Mr Waterman. Go and sit down.

I should hope so! And I'll lead the next stretch.

You'll do nothing of the sort.

Stay with your passengers. I happen to be in charge.

Now, listen - YOU listen. I'll give the orders.

I'm worried. There's nothing to be frightened off.

I'm not frightened, I'm worried we've passed Basingstoke.

Yes, thank you, dear.

In the coach. Before I go berserk.

Percy, do you think you can back onto the road?

Back onto it? I can't even FORWARD onto it!

Wait a minute. Where's Schroeder?

Schroeder? Yes, he got out with me.

Have you seen him? Well, he's probably inside.

Well, I've taken some bearings.

I won't say a word, sir. What's the matter with you, man?

Pull yourself together. Together, sir.

Is that Schroeder? It's Mr Schroeder, yes.

There's a small village ahead. How do you know?

Because I had the common sense to go and look.

The road rises over there and you can just make out the houses.

Well, let's get to it, for my sake.

I've got a call to make. A call?

Yes. Well, er...

Well, I've been driving for hours.

(HORN BLARES)

(KNOCKS)

(KNOCKS AGAIN)

Anyone at home?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Hello?

(WHISPERING) Oi. Psst.

Coach 13 reporting.

'Go ahead. We're listening.' Not so loud.

Well, we're here.

'Where?' I don't know.

'You trying to be funny?' Not so loud!

It's a village, and we're trying to find out which one.

Now, look, I know all about your being in charge,

but I'd like to suggest that nobody gets off this coach

until we've explored the village.

Suggestion accepted. Good girl. But without prejudice.

Shall I tell them? You may tell them.

I don't know. We came here across a field.

'All right, are you sure the boot's locked?'

Quite sure. 'Where's the key?'

Somewhere in my lining.

Ooh, blimey. Scarper. Go on, scarper.

'Hello? Driver? Hello?' (WHISTLING)

Go on, go on. 'Driver?' Shut up, go away.

'Hello?' Go on, go away.

All right, but leave your mic on.

NICHOLLS: (OVER RADIO) 'Seems to be deserted this end.

That looks like an inn over there.

Come on, let's investigate.' PERCY: 'What, ME?!'

Who's the girl? The stewardess, Miss Nicholls.

'Now, Percy, don't tell me you're scared?'

'All right, I'll keep it a secret.'

Percy who? Do we know who this driver is?

They're still checking. All right, stand by.

'Well, if I lived here, I wouldn't be about...'

Well, there's Bletchingdon. They're not there, are they?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(CAT SCREECHING, CLATTER)

It is a bit eerie, isn't it?

Don't be frightened, girl. I'm right behind you.

(RUSTLING)

(DING) Oof!

What was that? Isn't it marvellous, eh?

I could've walked this way or that way,

but no, this is me.

Percy, you're bleeding.

Well, if I am, I'm gushing oil.

The quicker we light this the better.

This is all very strange.

The house across the road was deserted, too.

And yet someone had made some tea there quite recently.

(DOOR CREAKS) And now this.

Oil in the lamps and a packet of reasonably fresh crisps.

Look, miss.

I'm not supposed to say a word to a soul,

but if I keep it to myself, I shall burst.

Oh, we don't want you to burst, Percy.

Now, what is this dread secret?

Secret? Well, er...

Well, er...

It's my driving licence, it's out of date.

Oh, is that all? I thought you'd at least robbed the Bank of England.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I'll get back to the coach.

You'll stay here. But I've left the engine running.

I turned it off. But...

I'll get the ignition key.

(HISSES)

Here it is. Oh.

I also switched off the microphone. It was whistling.

Ooh. Well, I think this'll make as good a headquarters as any.

Headquarters? Yes.

Yes, we can build a fire and make them comfortable

until we've got time to find out where we are.

But you just said keep everyone on the coach.

Well, I've changed my mind. Oh, YOU'VE changed your mind?

They'll be safer in here. I'll go and get them.

You stay here... I'll stay here.

..and light a fire. Now, just a minute.

Before you start taking over command, Captain -

First Officer. Listen, First Officer, sir -

Light a fire! Oh!

Nobody is getting out until I've found someone

who can tell us where we are. For heaven's sake, listen to me.

I don't think you're going to find anyone.

I suppose it's a ghost village? Now, look, Nicky - Miss Nicholls.

You're responsible for they're safety.

Because I like you, I'm giving you a tip.

Bring them in here.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(SIGHS) Well, he asked us to keep quiet.

It's 20 minutes now. Call him.

I'd like to know who switched that coach microphone off.

It wasn't the stewardess and it wasn't the driver.

If only we knew who the passengers were.

In normal events, we'd have a passenger list.

Yes, in normal events, I shouldn't ask to see it.

Yes, yes, I'm ready.

Burchett's Green?

Twyford?

Wargrave?

Bisley Common?

Bracknell?

Shiplake?

Winkfield? That's the lot? Now, hold on.

That's another seven places they're not at.

That's every village in a ten-mile radius of Maidenhead.

Extended it to 15. Extend another five.

"..fringed trumpet, large and reliable.

One-and-nine a dozen, 13 shillings for a hundred.

And then for two-and-six, a packet of 25 seeds.

There are the silver medal, the Scottish petunia,

trial petunias, called 'Naughty Marietta'.

Naughty Marietta is ideal for warm bedding..."

Naughty, Mr Waterman. (CLEARS THROAT)

"Polyanthus... Cervantes.

Primrose yellow, of good size and very..."

(THUD)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(GASPS)

Well, I've found a jug. And I have found a tap.

What, no beer? Well, if there is, it's too weak to crawl out.

If we can find something to boil water in, we can have coffee.

If we had some coffee. I've got a tin of Quik Café.

I always wondered what you kept under that hat.

It's in the coach. I'll go and get it.

Just a minute. Surely, someone's going to find out where we are?

I could do that at the same time.

Oh. It's ridiculous - just sitting here.

All in good time, Mr Schroeder.

I don't want to sit in a derelict barn drinking coffee.

Weren't you the gentleman who insisted we stopped?

I preferred it in the coach.

Oh, no, it's much more fun here.

But I'd like my rug. We're a little cold.

Atmospherically speaking, of course.

All right, get her rug. Yes, sir.

And I'll come with you. Yes, sir?

Oh! Well, you will come for your coffee, won't you?

Well, that was the idea. It's the best idea yet.

If you're going to the coach, there's a book in my beach bag,

Torso For Sale.

Torso For Sale?

That's right. Would you be an angel?

Oh, I think we shall all be angels soon.

Or some of us.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) "Sunrise sweet peas,

glowing cerise with a fleeting orange,

becoming more intense in the sun.

One-and-six for 36 seeds."

What a bargain!

Torso For Sale? She must be raving mad!

Well, I wouldn't do this job again for all the tea in Ch...

I wouldn't do...

I...

Hey, what are you doing? You're going to open up the boot.

I'm not! Well, what's the use? I've looked. I mean, I...

There's... The key.

I've lost it. Well, find it.

(GUNFIRE)

(BLOODCURDLING SCREAM)

Some maniac's trying to kill us.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES)

(LOUD BOOM)

That, mate, was a ruddy hand grenade!

Keep your head down!

I'm getting back to the pub. You stay where you are!

Please yourself. Someone's coming.

Is everyone all right? So far. But who screamed?

I don't know. I was outside looking around.

You've no business to be outside! I said everyone was to stay inside.

I'm not in the habit of taking orders

unless they're given to me by somebody in authority.

I'm sorry. But you can see it isn't very healthy outside.

Someone's trying to take a bead on us.

I wasn't as prepared for that as you.

I'm going back to the others.

We're all going back but let's do it sensibly.

Yes, on hands and knees. If the marksman's still there,

four of us running together will be a perfect target.

It's safer to run the open space between here and the inn.

All right. You follow me. Then Miss Nicholls and then Percy.

And make sure the spacing isn't too even.

If he once gets the rhythm, he can start sighting.

That's right.

And get a perfect tempo for muggins here!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Look, miss. I know it sounds daft,

but you ought to believe this. Believe what?

There's £200,000 worth of gold bars hidden in that boot. There's what?

If I never stand here again - and I hope I won't.

But how do you know? The police have just been on the blower,

and that first officer's got a gun and he stuck it in my back.

And he seems to know too much about everything.

And I don't like the look of that Mr Schroeder.

And now someone's popping off guns at us.

Ooh, I wish I'd never taken this job.

Nicky? Are you all right?

Yes, I'm all right! I forgot the coffee.

What do you mean he stuck a gun in your back?

In the coach. He told me to keep driving or else.

Then he told me to open the boot. If you're dreaming all this up...

Dreaming it up! You talk to the airport!

Find the passenger list on the back seat.

I'll get the airport.

I'm going mad. I know I'm going mad.

This is Stewardess Nicholls, BOAC.

I'm speaking from relief coach 13.

MAN: 'Yes, Miss Nicholls. Go ahead.'

The driver's just told me we've got some unexpected cargo.

Is that right? That's quite correct.

This is Detective Inspector Henley. Where in heaven's name are you?

In a village that seems to be deserted,

and someone is popping off with a gun.

We should be in the Maidenhead area.

But where? We've checked every village on the map in that area.

All right, take a distance check.

The mileage on the speedometer is 18430.

'18430.' That's right.

If Transport has a record of what it was,

you can work out how many miles we are from you.

(TWO TAPS)

(TWO TAPS)

(STAMPS FOOT TWICE)

(TWO TAPS)

(EXHALES)

And we have a BOAC pilot with us, Peter Jones.

He jumped the coach at the last minute.

Fine, we'll check on those names and get back to you in 20 minutes.

The time now is 08:17 exactly.

The driver said Jones has a gun, but I don't trust anybody.

No, the driver's all right. George Davis. We've checked on him.

'Who?' George Davis, your relief driver.

'We'll get back to you in 20 minutes.'

(SWITCH CLICKS) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Nicky! Driver! What in the world are you doing?

Coming!

Miss? Miss?

There's a body in here! We'll talk about it inside.

But... (HISSES) Miss? Miss?

What took you so long? Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right. I screamed.

Haven't you ever screamed? Something went bang.

And instead of holding it in, I let it out.

Don't fuss!

You can. Here, miss -

I think it would be a good idea if we all sat down

and put some cards on the table.

I bet I've got the ace of spades!

All right.

They might as well all know it and face up to it.

They're all in considerable danger. Danger?

There's something in that coach that somebody wants badly.

I believe they'll go to any lengths.

I also believe that that person is amongst us at this moment.

Well, don't look at me!

And while we are putting our cards on the table,

this chap's got a gun.

And he stuck it in my back while we were driving.

And in the back of the coach...

No, you go and find out for yourselves.

You know, in the book Ghouls Don't Talk... Oooh!

Quiet, girl!

Young man, I must insist that you be more explicit.

What something on the coach and which somebody?

And what are you doing sticking guns at people?

I assure you, madam -

Miss! I'm sorry. But I haven't got a gun.

And even if I had one, I'd hardly stick it in anybody's back.

You know, in the book - Ooh! There's a liar.

No gun, eh?

You wouldn't like to be searched, would you?

Why not? Go ahead. Oh.

Yes, go ahead, search, Mr Davis.

I will. And the name's Lamb, miss. Yes, I thought it was.

He couldn't have shot a gun himself out there.

Thank you, sir. That's the first intelligent remark on the subject.

Are you satisfied? You've hidden it.

Sometimes they're strapped round their leg.

I say, do you mind?

You've got it strapped on your leg.

Surely, we should be outside looking for the gun that sniped at us.

I think after a few home truths about ourselves first,

the job will be much simpler.

What do you mean by that remark? We should all show our passports.

I don't see what that'll prove but I'm quite willing.

Edward Schroeder.

That's, er, quite a fat wallet you've got there.

Mmm, fat but gun-less. I'm quite willing to be searched.

Well, the first person who tries to search me

will get hit? Oh, you won't be searched.

We just want to establish identities.

Ah, well, that I will do, but any further liberties...

And I wish to warn you that once at Boulogne

I seriously defaced a customs officer.

(WHISPERS) Cow.

Wherever they are, they're about 33 miles away,

allowing for any detour they may have made in the fog.

Now, I want every village in that radius double-checked.

Cover all roads out of Middlesex, Oxford and Hampshire.

There's not much on the passengers. Neither Blackbushe or Northolt

have any booking record in the name of Beeston or Waterman.

What does that mean? Well, it's not unusual.

The Irish planes are regular.

A lot of people just take the first seat.

What else? Pan American say that Mr Schroeder did call

and enquire about Shannon arrivals.

And Janie Grey WAS on the incoming east plane

and we DO have a pilot officer Peter Jones.

But he's on leave on the continent.

Er, hello? Spencer here.

Continue checks on triangle Reading, Basingstoke, Heathrow.

Three-county stops, immediate! (HANGS UP)

Well, that's a beautiful circle.

Calling Control Room.

The police want mobile transmitters to cover all arterial roads

from Heathrow through Middlesex and Oxford.

Control Tower checking.

Mobile transmitters covering all airport entrances.

No change in wet weather reports,

but Blackbushe reports ceiling lifting slightly.

Let's hope the Nicholls girl has some news.

Seven minutes to go. Better stand by.

I don't like to do all this, but under the circumstances...

Oh, that's quite all right.

I'm sure we all feel safer knowing we're all who we say we are.

And did anyone have any doubt who I am?

No, no, no, no, I didn't mean you, my dear madam.

Miss!

However, there's still time.

(WHISPERS) Silly old bag!

Thank you, Miss Grey. You can read them if you like.

You've told us all the best parts. Ooh, but in this one -

Thank you, Miss Grey.

Oh, you don't know what you're missing.

And the only piece of identification

you can produce is this football coupon.

Well, I don't take a passport with me for a bus ride, do I?!

It's got my name on it, hasn't it? Yes. Percy Lamb.

Well, who did you think I was, Jack the Ripper?

No. Someone quite different.

How dare you?!

Can I go and wash my hands. Yes, of course.

But where? Where?

Where? I've no idea. Upstairs, I suppose.

Where are you going? About my business.

Nicky, for God's sake, have some sense.

There's a gun out there. We've got to stay put until the fog lifts.

You know it's our duty to report in. All right, I'll do it.

It happens to be my job. Why, have you found a telephone?

No, it's a radio coach. Why?

Nothing but I'd have asked you to send a message for me.

What message?

Please call my office, Temple Bar 7407,

and tell them that my brother will need a large car for his luggage.

Temple Bar 7407? Thank you. Yes.

I'm glad to know we're at least in contact with the outside world.

You know, I think we might make some of that coffee.

A very good idea.

And you will send a message to my sister,

Hounslow 1903,

and say that no matter how late I am she must wait up for me.

That's the least your company can do. Certainly.

Anyone else want anything?

Yes, I wanna wash my hands.

Well, wash 'em! But where?

Ooh! You give me the habdabs, you do, mate!

I'll reconnoitre.

And don't ask me what it means.

Right, you take care of the coffee.

Look, if I've got to trust you, you've got to trust me.

The tin's in the kitchen. Would you open it for me?

Perhaps I could wash my hands in there.

No, that's the kitchen. Percy will find it for you.

I'm talking to you because we both have a uniform in common.

There are things I'd like to tell you,

but there are things you ought to tell me first.

Such as? You seem to know more about this than any of us.

I don't know anything.

Except that someone's firing at us

and we've got a coach full of assorted question marks.

You know nothing? No more than you.

Then how do you know about what's in the coach?

How do you know? I was told. When you weren't there -

(BLOODCURDLING SCREAM)

Help! Waterman! Help! (WHIMPERING)

I'll sue somebody for every penny.

Percy, for heaven's sake!

I bet it's a council house! Are you all right?

I'm not saying a word till I get my solicitor.

I do wanna wash my hands.

Well, hurry up, girl, cos I do as well.

It's at the end of the passage. Supposing I fall through the floor?

Would you? Oh, come on, we'll test the floor for you.

Oh, it's a game, this is, messing about like this.

I'm sick of it.

I'm not going to faint.

I'm not going to faint.

I'm not going to faint. No, of course you're not.

Yes, I am. Missus? Missus?

Now, come on, pull yourself together, girl.

Loosen anything that's tight. Undo your... you know.

The thought is the will is the deed.

Well, this is one deed you'll have to do yourself.

Take your mind off things. (CHUCKLES)

Er, what about some party games?

Party games!

Oh, party games, uh!

I know, we'll have a sweepstake.

A sweepstake?

On what? Well, we'll put each name on a piece of paper

and half a crown in the kitty,

and whoever turns out to be the culprit,

their name takes the pot.

I know whose name I'd like.

Hello, airport? Hello, coach 13.

'Miss Nicholls?' Yes, I haven't much time.

If I switch off, don't call me back.

'All right, go ahead.'

First, make quite sure of the driver's name.

'Your driver?' You said it was George Davis.

'That's right, it is.'

Well, it isn't, it's Percy Lamb. Getting deeper, aren't we?

Now, listen, somehow or another,

you've gotta get the key to that boot and lose it.

That I can do.

Oi, you can take your ticket. Well, where's Miss Nicholls?

Ooh, she can take hers in a minute.

(TUTS) He's a big-head, he is.

(GROANS)

I can half pick 'em, I do.

Oh, well, I'd better draw one for him, I suppose.

I know. I'll give him me.

Hee-hee-hee!

That's the number he gave, Temple Bar 7407.

Quiet.

Ta. Now, that's five bob.

Oh, dear, Mr Waterman. I've picked you.

You know what they say -

unlucky in gambling, lucky in love.

Well, honestly, for someone who was fainting just now!

Now, let's see what I've got.

Miss Beeston.

It's gonna take a lot more than positive thought to win this kitty.

I didn't see your half-crown.

Ooh, that's all right, it's in my pocket.

Yes, well, I want to be quite sure

the rest of the money isn't in the same place.

I'll hold the stakes.

How dare you?!

Oh, well, take it.

I'm afraid it's black coffee and you've got no sugar.

That's where you're wrong, mate. She's got the lot.

And ticket for Miss Blandish. Come on, dear, take a ticket.

What for? Half a dollar.

What does "the field" mean? That you've got a very good chance.

Come on, dear, the money. I've only got French francs.

Aw! How many French francs in half a dollar?

Oh, we'll soon work that out.

Come on, let's go into the kitchen and try and find some cups.

Cups?

What cups?

The key. Hey?

The key to the luggage boot.

Oh, the luggage boot! Yes.

No! I don't want to get rough.

Well, don't.

Doh!

(WHIMPERING)

(LOUD BOOMS)

(PERCY WHIMPERS)

(PANTING)

(PANTING, WHEEZING)

Go back! Stay inside!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Keep back here. Well, me too!

Now, suppose you just listen to me for a moment!

Everybody!

Can you hear me, you three at the coach?

We're listening. This whole village is extensively mined.

Do you understand that?

There is a series of crisscrossed wires

laid across various approaches.

And if any of those wires get tripped,

they detonate a charge.

So if you come back to this door along the lane you've already used,

nothing else will go off.

Is that clear?

Quite clear.

There isn't much else to do but believe him.

You keep behind me. You bring up the rear.

I shall be bringing up something in a minute.

What caused this sudden rush of knowledge?

I did a bit of exploring.

I found this at the house next door. It was wired through a staple,

and the wire went down the side of the house and across the street.

You tripped it, and that's what fired at you earlier.

Oh, do be careful. Is it loaded?

Yes, it's loaded.

So we'll put it away for now.

But I think we'll all have to stay here till daybreak.

Daybreak? Ridiculous!

I have to be at my thought rally. If what Mr Schroeder said is true,

it would be lunacy to drive out of here at night.

Even if the fog lifted. IF what Mr Schroeder said is true.

SCHROEDER: Good heavens, man! What further proof do you need?

WATERMAN: I still don't like the idea of staying here all night.

PETER: Well, what's the alternative?

(LOUD BOOMING)

Somebody's out there! The driver.

Percy Lamb. Percy!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(KNOCKS) Hang on, boy. I'll let you out in a minute.

Whoever you are, if they've tied you up,

you must be a friend, and I need a friend! (HISSES)

The...

Oi! Psst!

PETER: Percy! (HISSES)

Percy, what the devil are you doing?!

What are you doing? Going.

Oh, I've had enough of this lark.

First of all, there's a gun in my back,

and then there's not.

Then there's bodies and then there's not.

Then he's friendly and then he's not.

Well, there's been a driver, and now there's not.

I'm gonna drive on. Anyone who wants to can come.

Percy, this is madness. I agree with our driver.

I will not sleep here and be murdered in my bed.

I agree. I don't fancy sitting here waiting for something to happen.

Good old Warty! Any more for the Skylark?

Press on, my man!

Stay exactly where you are. I'm sorry to be melodramatic,

but no one's going to leave this place.

Now, everyone, get over there. Everyone.

Fine, fine.

I was wondering when we'd get to a showdown.

Get over there.

I'm afraid I told you a lie.

That gun isn't loaded.

But this one is.

Perhaps you'd better get over there.

Next time you wear fancy dress, make sure the decorations are right.

That DFC there, it's back to front.

The stripes are going the wrong way.

First thing I noticed.

Don't try that old one.

I'm not taking my eyes off you for a moment.

All right, hold him! (GRUNTING)

Go on, all of you, grab him!

Nice work, George!

Sorry I kept you tied up so long. Come on, give me some help.

Here! You're the body in the boot.

You stupid fools, I'm a police officer!

Perhaps you will explain all this? Yeah, I'm on your side.

With the DFC back to front? Someone's gonna get a rocket.

I'm not a pilot, I'm attached to London Airport Security.

Then what are you doing on this coach?

Trailing a slippery bullion thief known as "the Banker".

You mean that he...?

Is he the Banker?

Stone the crows! He IS a police officer.

Of course I am, you stupid madman.

Give me that wallet. There was a French thriller once

where two lots of police shot each other up.

Do you want to get shot up?

No. Well, shut up.

You have seen my identification papers.

Now, what about yours? George is my identification.

George Davis, he was the relief driver of the coach.

We put him in the boot to have reinforcements handy.

We bound him for effect in case the Banker got there first.

The relief driver, Mr Lamb?

Now, look, for a start, I usually drive for BEA.

All I know is this - I walk in the lounge,

you grab me, and before I know where I am,

I'm driving to BOAC, not BEA.

OK? Now sought that lot out.

I don't accept your story.

I'm afraid you've no alternative.

You'll just have to take my word.

Now, over there, Mr Schroeder.

And the rest of you.

Quickly! (HISSES)

I'll tell you this, though.

When we arrived here tonight, I had no idea who the Banker was.

I had my suspicions but I wasn't sure.

Then someone made a very silly mistake.

Now I know.

Well, who?! Tell us before we get our throats cut.

You're going to have to wait until the police get here.

You see, I don't know how many accomplices we have with us.

We can't just stay here with a scoundrel amongst us.

Now, don't distress yourself. One of them IS a policeman.

But he's the one who doesn't know.

You've no right to place us in danger by not telling.

You're in no danger while we leave the Banker anonymous.

Because the person is still thinking I've got the wrong one.

Here, I wonder who's won the sweep.

I've got the field.

You ought to be in one, dear.

The police ought to be here. I gave them direction and mileage.

They'll be here if you gave that message to the Temple Bar number.

Unfortunately, you gave them the wrong directions.

We're nowhere near Maidenhead.

We're a few miles west of High Wycombe.

High Wycombe? How do you know?

Because when explosions keep happening in an area

and no one comes to see about it, that area is used to explosions.

But why High Wycombe?

Because that's the only place this side of the river

where explosions are accepted.

It's the Army's battle training ground.

The what?

This is a commando village.

I was sure of it when I found the body on the gallows

that the driver ran into.

It was a dummy used for bayonet practice.

This whole place is fenced off from the public.

They train here under actual battle conditions.

You drove here through a minefield.

A...

Quick, she's fainted!

Is there room for one more?

(GROANS LIGHTLY) (DISTANT HORN BEEPING)

(ENGINES APPROACHING)

(BELL RINGING)

It sounds as if the Marines have landed.

Doesn't it, Schroeder? Begad, I feel most peculiar.

There are hooter noises. And my head's rumbling.

It's not your head, dear. It's real rumbles.

Now!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

First person to move gets shot!

Go and start up the engine!

You won't get away with this, you know, Miss Banker.

As a lesson for next time, what did I do wrong?

You were far too anxious to get that extra coach put on.

You were yelling about Blackbushe Airport

before you even knew whether the Dublin planes

went from there or from Northolt.

Not very conclusive evidence, Mr Security.

(ENGINE FAILING TO START)

And your sidekick out there

who's having so much trouble with that engine.

He never came in on the jet from Johannesburg,

because it didn't land there.

It should've done but it was detoured through the fog to Hurn.

They didn't announce it at London Airport,

and you didn't trouble to find out. That was slip number two.

Slip number three was your boyfriend's passport,

the last embarkation stamp,

and it was dated two months ago instead of today.

I must remember that next time.

You should always check with air travel.

You think you've been very smart, don't you?

Well, I have. You're gonna find it takes more than positive thought

to start the engine without this rotor arm.

I give you three seconds to give me that.

(COACH ENGINE STILL FAILING)

One...

Two!

(YELLING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(STRUGGLE CONTINUING)

(CHEERFUL MUSIC)

Poor old soul!

I don't often bear a grudge

but I intend to make you an exception.

I'll get you for this!

Oh, naughty Mr Waterman! Come on.

Want to know something awful? What?

I feel rather sorry for the old battleaxe.

I feel sorry for Holloway prison. I'm told they dread having her back.

What I can't understand is where they were going to take the gold.

JANIE: Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!

Ohhh... (SIGHS)

The police are giving me a lift to Basingstoke.

Good! So I have to say goodbye now.

If you're ever anywhere near 25 Nettlebed Road, drop in.

We could have some fun talking all this over.

I will.

Hmm.

I will.

25 Nettlebed Road...

So Percy messed it all up by turning through a minefield.

Percy did. The loot's away, miss.

Right, Percy, home. We're proud of you.

Ooh. (CHUCKLING) It's nothing really.

Then Beeston sent that message to her sister, remember?

It was a Hounslow number, the lookout house near the airport.

The message told them to wait, no matter how late she was.

I forgot to send it.

You're a smart girl.

Smart enough to know when a DFC's back to front.

I was in the Navy.

Hey!

Percy for heaven's sake, what's the hurry?

Hurry? I've just realised I've won the sweep.

You don't have to go mad, do you? Go mad? I AM mad.

The old girl's got my money!

(UP-TEMPO ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)