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[gasping]

[sighs]

[sighs]

Here. Eat it while it's hot.

- I had fun last night. - Me too.

I was talking about the movie, obviously.

Yeah, of course.

[husband] So…

first day back at the hospital. You nervous?

A bit.

Hey. I'm proud of you for doing this.

Thanks. I mean it.

[slaps counter] Okay. I will see you later tonight.

Oh, I've got that dinner thing with Caroline.

Right. Right. Say hi for me.

You're gonna be great.

Love you.

I love you.

[inhales sharply, sighs]

[exhales]

[announcer on PA] Next stop, Civic Center. Civic Center is the next stop.

[person] I am so glad you decided to come back, Sophie.

You know most of the rich philanthropists' wives

we get around here just want to brag about getting their hands dirty,

but you always took the time to connect with the patients. Hear their stories.

They all felt like they knew you, right away.

That's so nice of you to say.

You seem like you're in a much better place.

[hospital workers chattering]

[paramedic] All right, can you go in here?

Yep. It's self-inflicted. Pulse weak and thready.

[speaking foreign language]

[laughs, continues in foreign language]

Sir, which way are you taking us?

[continues in foreign language]

Uh, you need to get out of this lane.

- This is the best way. Don't worry. - No, but-- No, you don't understand.

T-Thi-This way goes over the bridge. I can't go over the water.

Just-- Just pull over, please.

[taxi driver sighs]

Let me out.

- [taxi driver speaks foreign language] - [door handle clicking]

- Hey, what are you doing? - [exhales sharply] Let me out of the car!

All right. There. All right.

- Unlocked. Go. - [seat belt clicking]

[breathing shakily]

[grunts]

- [horns honking] - [driver 1] Get out of the road.

- [driver 2] Bitch, move. - Fuck you!

[driver 3] …hell out the way!

- [breathing shakily] - [honking continues]

I had the dream again last night.

[therapist] It's the first memory you have.

You're gonna come back to it again and again,

however painful it may be.

If I could just get back that one moment.

Sophie, you know that your injuries make that impossible.

This is part of your condition.

You have to accept that most of your memories

will never be recovered.

Do you know what it feels like to not remember anything?

It's like I've woken up in someone else's life

and everyone around me is walking around as though nothing's changed.

Have you told James how you feel?

[chuckles] I couldn't even tell him what happened today.

[inhales] There is a new therapy, something called neurofeedback.

It could help with these panic attacks. I could get you in.

Sure, can't hurt.

I wanna tell you something

but I don't want you to take it the wrong way.

[inhales] Okay.

[inhales] There are a lot of ways to try to kill yourself.

You jumped off of a boat into the middle of the fucking ocean.

The fact that you survived is a miracle.

You set out to do something

and you did it in the most intense, deliberate way possible.

That tells me something about you.

You are determined.

That determination, that's what's gonna help you

move on from this.

But how can I move on

when I don't even remember making that choice?

[inhales] Let's try this.

Tell me, what's so wrong with your situation?

You have a beautiful home, friends, a husband who wants to love you.

Exactly. That's what I don't understand.

If my life was so perfect, why did I try to end it?

[sighs]

[friend 1] Is that the second bottle or the third?

- [friend 2] Oh, who's counting? - [laughing]

I mean, being married is nice and all, but the whole thing's a little monotonous.

If you catch my drift.

- Oh, yes. [chuckles] - Yeah.

Yeah, that's it. Thank you.

Sophie, I can't believe you're here. It's just so nice to see you.

- You look gorgeous. - Honestly.

Have you lost weight?

She got a Peloton.

- [laughing, chattering] - [friend 3] A Peloton? Oh, my God!

- [inhales] You have a Peloton, right? - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, my God. I had to get one. - Yeah, it's amazing.

So, is this who I used to spend time with, these women?

Yeah. Why?

[friends speaking indistinctly]

I just don't feel a connection. That's all.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but you don't have any other friends.

Nobody likes you. You're very pretty.

[both laughing]

Okay, there is this guy at the bar

that has been scoping you out the entire night.

You're being ridiculous.

Mmm, I don't think so.

You think you know him?

No.

[train bell rings]

You're up early.

Couldn't sleep.

What's that?

I don't know.

Had it in the back.

You like it?

Um, I'm just not used to seeing you in something so daring. [chuckles]

[inhales] You know, I always loved…

this one.

It really suits you.

What's this for?

The investors event at the firm.

I found the invitation.

Oh, I figured you wouldn't be up for it.

Let's go.

Really?

Yeah. You were right. I need to get back out there.

This is gonna be fun, I promise.

[inhales] You know-- You-You probably-- You probably don't remember this

but, um, I'm a fantastic dancer.

You want to see?

- It's like, um-- like a shoulder dance. - [laughs]

Wear the one with the flowers, okay?

I'll see you tonight.

[shower running]

[stranger] Sophie.

I'm sorry. Do I know you?

Yeah.

You were at the restaurant.

We need to talk.

Who are you?

Your husband's coming.

Look, he's not who you think he is, okay?

He's not telling you everything.

What are you talking about?

You ever think there's more to what happened on the boat that day?

Left on Fremont Street, yeah? Thanks.

Who was that?

Soph, who were you talking to?

Just some guy wanted directions.

Okay. Come on.

[James] You okay?

Yeah. Why?

Well, you just seem a little shaken up.

I'm fine.

- Yeah? - Let's go.

[elevator bell dings]

[James laughs]

[James inhales, clears throat]

How about a drink? You want some champagne?

James. Sophie. You made it.

It's been a long time.

This place is so beautiful.

Yes. Of course. [inhales sharply]

What a lovely idea to have a party here. I never would have thought of it. [laughs]

Uh, I'm just going to excuse myself.

I'm-- I'm sure you guys want to talk business, anyway.

You okay?

Didn't you guys get married here?

Yes. [chuckles]

[Sophie sighs]

[faucet running]

[friend] Can't believe you showed. [chuckles]

How you holding up?

[James] Good. I know this sounds crazy, but…

[sighs] sometimes I feel like this whole thing was our second chance.

- You know? - [friend] Uh-huh.

[James] Well, we get to reinvent ourselves.

You know, forget all the mistakes we made before and start again, it's--

I don't know, man.

I would have gotten the fuck out a long time ago, but--

- [James] Yeah, well… - [friend] Hey, I'm an asshole.

- [James] Yep. - [both chuckle]

Hey.

Sophie. Oh, love the dress.

You're looking at me funny. What did I do?

What? No, I'm not.

Your champagne. I'm sorry.

Um, excuse me.

[no audible dialogue]

[sighs]

[soft rock music playing]

[breathing heavily]

[soft rock music continues]

[no audible dialogue]

[breathing heavily]

[faintly] Wh-What happened?

You jumped, dear. You jumped.

[chattering]

Sophie, I heard you were back. How are you?

Good, thanks.

744. 602.

- [yawns] - Long night? [laughs]

Back-end of a double. I'm a zombie.

It's dead up here. Go get a coffee. I'll watch the desk.

[sighs] Thank you.

[typing]

[clears throat]

[breathes heavily]

Jesus, Sophie. Didn't you see that call light going off?

Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

Uh, don't worry about it.

It's probably just Mr. Greene wanting more juice.

I'll go check on him. Sorry again.

How was the hospital?

Fine.

Boring, actually. Slow day.

You want some more?

I need to talk to you about something.

[inhales shakily]

Victoria called yesterday.

Needed your driver's license number.

- Ah. - Said you were going to Seattle.

Well, they-- they wanted me to go, but I said no.

It's been five months, James. You can't babysit me forever.

I just don't think that now is the right time.

I need you to know something.

What happened before will never, ever happen again.

The girl who did that, I don't even recognize.

However fucked up I might be, I don't want to die.

I know.

Then you should go. [chuckles]

You would call Caroline, right?

If-If-If anything happened.

[laughs] It's a two-hour flight, James. I'll be okay.

Okay. I'll tell Victoria.

There's a flight in the morning. I'll have her book it.

[dishes clattering]

[exhales deeply]

[medical assistant] Neurofeedback therapy isn't going to replace

your other coping mechanisms, like exercise and talk therapy.

- Do you understand? - Yes.

Great. There's no drugs involved.

It's all mental and physiological,

so what I need from you, Sophie, is to answer honestly.

Of course.

Okay.

So, Sophie, how are you feeling today?

Fine.

On a scale of one to ten,

what would you say your level of anxiety is?

[exhales deeply] Three.

Let's revisit the last time you experienced a trigger.

What was it that brought on the anxiety?

I was revisiting the trauma.

Shh, don't look.

What would you say your level of anxiety is now?

You jumped.

Five.

Okay, great.

Now close your eyes.

Imagine yourself in a garden. Flowers. Birds chirping.

[gasps, breathes shakily]

- What are you seeing there? - Sorry?

Are you able to tell what's going on inside my head?

Not exactly.

It's more like a visual representation of activity.

Ah.

Too bad.

[sighs, breathes heavily]

All right. [sighs] I'm in a garden, flowers--

What else was it?

- Birds. - Right. Birds. [sighs]

[doorbell rings]

[Caroline] Hi.

[Sophie] Caroline, what are you doing here?

I thought you'd be bored, so I brought booze.

Sorry, is it too late?

Did James ask you to check up on me?

No.

Yes.

Sorry, I can't lie to you. Come on. Come eat.

So, what have you been doing with the house all to yourself?

I don't know. Trying to relax.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

I was at this doctor's appointment the other day

and you know how they run through your medical history and all that?

Well, she asked me how my arm was healing.

Okay.

Turns out I broke it maybe a year and a half ago.

Of course, I have no memory of it at all.

- Do you? - [sighs] Sure, I do. I was there.

You were?

You and I were shopping, and we'd had a couple of drinks at brunch.

[laughs] And we were strolling down Maiden Lane,

and you tripped right in front of Chanel.

- [laughs] - [chuckles] Seriously?

Yeah, the manager was in quite a state. He thought you'd sue.

Anyway, I took you in for the X-ray. And then by the time they put the cast on,

you forced me to leave and tend to the gallery and--

and swore me to secrecy.

I mean, it's such a silly story really.

Sophie, is something wrong?

No, no, it's, um-- it's nothing, really.

Sometimes it's hard not knowing your own secrets.

[James] Hey, babe. [sighs]

I know it's late. It's been a long day and I just got back to the hotel.

It's weird going to bed without you. [sighs] I hate it. [chuckles]

I left you something by the record player. Take a look.

Anyway, two more days. Love you, Soph.

[chuckles]

[jazz playing]

["To Love Somebody" playing]

["Two Weeks" playing]

["Ateam Stepping" playing]

["Can't Do Without You" playing]

["To Love Somebody" playing]

[jazz playing]

["Jet Boy" playing]

The usual.

[inhales]

[clears throat]

Are you following me?

Tell me who you are, right now.

You really don't remember, do you?

Remember what?

I'm Officer Thomas Baden. I was assigned to your case.

I didn't realize the police were involved.

Routine investigation.

All suicides gotta get cleared for foul play.

Why did you say that about my husband?

It's usually the person who's closest to the victim that's responsible.

But I'm not a victim.

That's only because you survived.

You know, I realized something the other night when I saw you.

There's just this-- this feeling I have about your case, something I can't shake.

What feeling?

People with perfect lives don't usually jump off of ferries.

My life is far from perfect.

I know.

You used to love this place.

You said it was named after a famous poet.

A guy who spent his whole life drinking, until he drowned.

He jumped off a boat into the river.

You seem to know quite a lot about me.

Thank you, Officer, but I don't need your help.

[therapist] How was the neurofeedback?

Do you think it could be helpful?

Maybe. Can't hurt, right?

[chuckles]

Lately, I've been having memories.

New ones. Things I haven't seen before.

It's natural for details to come back, especially around the trauma.

What I saw happened right before.

Do you remember when I told you about the ictus,

way back when we started?

The catalyst. The moment that your injury essentially rebooted your brain.

When you opened your eyes in that water, you were reborn.

Anything that comes back before that moment, you can't trust.

Uh, so there's n-- never a chance, not even the tiniest sliver,

that I will ever get back that moment?

The moment before I jumped?

Someday, maybe. Probably not.

The oldest memories have the best chance,

the newest, close to impossible.

[sighs]

Sophie, it's time to move forward. Face your fears.

You have to stop focusing on the trauma,

you're giving it more power than it deserves.

But don't you think knowing what really happened

would change everything?

We do know.

No, we think we know, based on what we think happened.

You had been hurting for a long time, you said so yourself.

Whatever made you this way, it happened a long time ago.

Those are your own words.

And now you're using them against me.

[sighs]

Maybe you need to stop being so afraid of them.

"Whatever made me this way happened a long time ago.

I don't know what happens after today, after I cross the sea alone.

But it's a chance I've got to take.

Go find a new life without me. This one just isn't mine.

This one just isn't mine."

There you are. I got the last flight home.

I didn't want to spend another night without you.

Sophie?

Oh, you're reading the suicide note. Where'd you find it?

I don't know.

I thought we agreed to put that behind us.

Maybe that's easier for you than for me.

You know what happened. You were there.

For me, it's all… a blur.

You wanna know what happened, I'll tell you.

It was the shittiest day of my life.

I got a call that my wife was in critical condition,

that she tried to end her own life.

A life I thought was pretty damn good.

I was just praying that I would make it back home before you died

so I could at least say goodbye.

You weren't here?

No. I was, uh-- I was in Portland, working.

You know that, Soph.

I spent that first night holding your hand.

[scoffs] Thinking that if I just kept holding on…

maybe you'd be okay.

You never told me that.

No, of course not. [chuckles]

Because I wanted to forget it.

Look, whatever happened,

whatever made you feel like that was the only way out, it's done now.

It's over.

It doesn't matter anymore. It never did, okay?

[inhales sharply]

[sighs]

- [Baden scoffs] What are you doin'? - [giggles]

Get over here. Come on.

[Baden] This is a terrible idea.

[Sophie] It's no big deal. No one's ever gonna see it but us.

You're no fun at all.

[Baden] Have you thought about what I said?

You and me, just the two of us somewhere warm.

[laughs]

What am I supposed to do,

-just pack up and leave, write him a note? - [sighs]

[Baden echoing] Just the two of us somewhere warm.

"Go find a new life without me. This one just isn't mine."

[Sophie echoing] You're no fun at all.

You know the camera's still on?

[Baden] I know.

[breathing heavily]

Sophie?

What are you doin' here?

When exactly were you gonna tell me that we were fucking?

Or was that piece of information not relevant to your investigation?

What was I supposed to do, walk up to you

in the middle of the street, outta nowhere,

- and tell you we were having an affair? - Is that what it was? An affair?

Whatever we had is done. Stay out of my life.

I can't.

What are you doing?

Trying to frame my husband for a crime that never happened?

- So you can have a second chance? - You don't know what happened.

I jumped, that's it.

That's the sad fucking truth. I have to live with that, so do you.

Leave me alone.

Sophie!

[breathing heavily]

[exhales sharply]

[breathing heavily]

Excuse me. Hi, s-sorry to bother you.

But do you remember me?

It was a coast guard rescue about five months ago.

You're alive. [chuckles]

We always wondered what happened.

I just wondered… [sighs]

…was there anything unusual about that day?

What do you mean?

Did I say anything strange?

Listen, you were saying all kinds of crazy things.

A man pushed you from the boat.

Your ID said one name,

and you kept insisting it was something else.

Tess, you said your name was Tess.

I never forgot that. [stammers] It's my daughter's name.

Anyway, I-I wouldn't put too much stock in it.

You weren't in your right mind. You know what I mean?

It's so nice to see you looking so good. A real fresh start.

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