Original subtitles

And, Happy Quinn, do you take this man

to have and to hold, for better or worse,

richer or poorer,

in sickness and health, for as long as you both shall live?

Sure.

By the power vested in me,

I pronounce you husband and wife.

Okay, then.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh, right.

Yes.

So you did kiss her!

It's not like we enjoyed it. Exactly.

It was gross.

Come on.

I don't want to hear any more.

I just want to focus on convincing the INS

that your marriage is not a fraud.

'Cause the sooner you get your citizenship,

sooner you get divorced, sooner we can tie the knot,

and give a legit home to the genius bun in Happy's baby oven.

It's going to be okay.

Huh? Huh? Our honeymoon album.

It's... Tahiti!

We used Photoshop.

INS couldn't tell six years ago when we were first vetted,

so we'll be able to dupe them again.

There's no joy.

There's no emotion.

Who was your INS case worker, Mr. Magoo?

Mr. Haverbrook. He was 82.

We were one of his last cases before he retired.

He had cataracts.

Talk to my insurance carrier; it's all covered.

Well, you found the mess, now you clean it up.

Proctologist?

24-hour plumber.

Pipe in my kitchen burst water everywhere

and now they found a rupture in the main line going to my house.

Is that why you're here on a Friday night?

Nope! Sly mentioned that you picked up a private job

at the Los Angeles Museum of Science and History.

There's a couple of traveling exhibits I want to see:

Birds of Prey and Weaponry Pavilion.

How'd you pull off getting to do it at night

away from the crowds and tourists?

The imaging equipment that we're using requires us

to turn off the security sensors in the facility,

or it will interfere with our readings.

If we did it in the day and

someone knew that the security was off, then--

Someone could walk off with a priceless artifact. Copy.

Too much pizza?

No, Happy's had morning sickness and I'm feeling sympathy pains.

Seriously?

You want your stomach to hurt? I can make it hurt for real.

Hey. Why the hostility?

I'm sympathizing with your pain,

which could be ameliorated if you'd just

eat more foods high in iron and protein.

You're micro-managing.

'Cause I'm macro-worried!

You are carrying the product of our love!

Not to mention some vigorous whoopee-making, huh?

He tried to get me to eat steak and eggs

from Kevelsky's this morning.

I can't eat steak in the a.m.

It's fuel for the growing seed I planted in your fertile pasture.

I'm done here. Follow me, and I'll kick you

in the place that will end your seed-planting days forever.

You see how ornery she is?

She doesn't merely prefer to be married before the baby comes,

she has a very real psychological need

to be married before that baby comes.

I know what she wants.

Not what she wants. What she needs.

She grew up in a dozen orphanages and foster homes.

Our child being born into a complete fully functioning

legally-bound family represents security.

The thought of that not happening causes her

intense stress, and intense stress hurts the baby.

So you need to get your citizenship ASAP

and divorce the mother of my child,

so that I can marry her before the infant becomes an outfant.

Maybe I could expedite matters.

Expedite what? How?

I ask the INS to expedite Walt's citizenship application.

I can't pull any strings per Se,

'cause his marriage is a sham.

If I get caught asking for a favor, my career is cooked.

But? But if I explain that Walt

is a government contractor working on high-clearance

international cases, I could argue that

he could get in and out of the country faster

if he was a citizen carrying a U.S. passport.

They could move his paperwork to the front of the line.

Why am I just hearing about this now?

It's risky.

Expedited review

means extra scrutiny.

Extra scrutiny could uncover our marriage as bogus

and get me deported, so the best move is to just wait it out,

so I get my citizenship through the normal channels.

So speeding things up was an option, but you didn't

consider it 'cause it could affect you negatively.

How about me?

Or Happy? Or Tobias Merriweather Curtis Jr.?

Merriweather? It's a family name.

Once again, you've mastered the art of

thinking only of yourself.

He's just upset.

Call INS. Try to speed things up.

Okay. If you say so.

Paige called. Ralph's at the sitter,

she and Sly are headed to the museum.

Let's hit it.

Maybe a case where no one's shootin' at us

will take everybody's mind off of things.

What exactly are you doing at the museum, anyway?

As you can see,

the decay on the pillar expanded rapidly

over the past several weeks.

Growth rate is 538%, but that's just an estimate

because visitors in security film are blocking my view.

Wish someone would block my view of you, Crocodile Dundee.

It's ornithology wear.

The Birds of Prey exhibit has a world-class

trained falcon named Reginald.

Trained birds are an abomination.

You really think that majestic creature wants to dance

for the man every time the Pied Piper blows his flute?

Pied Piper controlled rats.

Whatever. You look like the man from Curious George.

Guys,

maybe we can save this riveting conversation

for after the job is done? Can we do that?

Yes.

I'm-I'm not sure. His outfit's really awful.

You were saying, Ms. Stafford?

Well, um, we've had four archaeologists

give cursory visual exams to the piece.

But none are certain what's caused the decay,

nor are they willing to take samples

or work on the pillar, because it's so fragile.

Worried about lawsuits if they make it worse.

Damn lawyers.

Exactly. Scorpion's the only group

that'll work without insurance coverage.

I've been trying to get them to let me buy insurance

for two years.

Humans need insurance coverage.

We're Scorpion. We don't make mistakes.

I can't find my binoculars.

Ah.

Ms. Stafford, we can help solve your problem.

Digital tomography of the pillar will show exactly where

interior instability lies.

I'll calculate its load-bearing capacity.

And a software we designed will let me engineer a rebuild.

And I'll use six specialized biochemicals I mixed myself

to pinpoint what molds, bacteria,

or polysaccharides are causing the problem.

Thousands of years ago,

fungi was used to adhere concrete, and those spores

could've been reactivated from L.A. pollution,

Pacific salt air, or something else.

We'll identify the issue and stop it from happening again.

Yes, we're anxious for you to begin.

Well, let's get crack-a-lackin'.

My Happy needs her sleep.

Before you do, a few things:

as you know, the alarm system's off

so you can use your machinery.

You'll be locked inside till morning.

Interior security gates are engaged at every exit.

But in case of emergency,

the two guards have keys to let you out.

Finally,

this museum is full of irreplaceable pieces.

Like Hebe, daughter of Hera and Zeus.

It alone is worth over $10 million.

Please be careful.

Everything will go smoothly.

Wonderful. Lockdown's in 15 minutes.

So if there's more equipment in your cars, get it now.

Otherwise, see you in 12 hours.

Good luck...

and thank you.

See you later, suckers.

I'm gonna go check out some weapons.

Damn it!

I only got five of the six chemicals.

I forgot to mix the last one.

What do you mean, you forgot?

I packed a bottle of this indigestion medicine

'cause I was gonna use its bismuth subsalicylate

for a little kick to my potion.

I saw I had six bottles in the bag, my mind registered

I had what I needed when I really didn't.

I've been a little distracted lately. My bad.

I'll drive you back to the garage

so you can whip up what you need.

Thanks.

In case you get cold later...

Studies show that warm incuba...

Toby, she's fine. Come on, you're holding everybody up.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Is something that I'm doing interfering with your life?

Gee, I wonder how that feels.

That's okay. Okay? Go.

I love you.

Go.

Well, since we can't do anything till Toby gets back

and you guys are setting up the DT scan, I was...

You can go see the falcon.

Excelsior.

Lead aprons are heavy.

Oh, yeah, speaking of which,

I will handle the scanner, and you wait in the hall.

Excuse me?

Radiation and pregnancy...

Aren't an issue for a low-level DT scan,

when I take precautions.

I've already got one man in my life telling me what to do.

I don't need another.

Understood.

Who's a handsome boy?

Reginald is!

Oh!

Falco tinnunculus.

Chestnut plumage, dark iris, yellow talons:

just waiting to snatch up a little field mouse.

But you can't snatch me up, no, 'cause...

you're in your little pokey.

I was just kidding... Reggie.

Something wrong, buddy?

That was a distress cry.

You hear something?

Don't worry, fella, just sit tight,

and I'm gonna get you some help.

Sweet.

Pardon me, sirs. Reginald is acting incredibly agitated.

I was just wondering if there's perhaps an overnight

veterinary service...

Injection marks?

Cabe, do you copy? Cabe, do you hear me?

Cabe?

Security footage. Phones?

Someone must be using jammers to block our communication.

We gotta get out of here.

Okay, uh...

Pardon me, fellas. Just looking for keys.

Just looking for keys. Okay...

Oh... Okay, no keys.

This is bad.

Sly?

Cabe?

Cabe, we have a problem.

Yeah, I kind of figured that out.

What the heck is happening?

The guards were drugged unconscious,

and now you're stockading people?

Oh, no, this guy didn't have a gun.

You don't break in to a place like this unarmed and alone.

Which means he's got friends in here that are strapped.

We gotta tell Walter and Happy that we're in trouble.

I think they already know we're in trouble.

♪ Scorpion 3x05 ♪ Plight at the Museum Original Air Date on October 24, 2016

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Hey, hey, hey, hey, take it easy.

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They tied us well. Don't bother.

I'm not trying to untie. Those guys had some

dirt on their clothes and it's itching the hell out of me.

Yeah, well, we got bigger problems than scratchy skin.

They lured us here.

What do you mean? They don't even know who we are.

No, but they knew someone like us would come.

It can't just be a coincidence that those criminals

chose to infiltrate the museum the same night

that we have to shut off the security system.

They compromised the pillar.

Probably with some corrosive.

Remember Sly said the tourists

were blocking his view of the pillar.

I bet you those were the bad guys.

With their backs turned to the cameras they quickly sprayed

some astringent on the pillar over a course of weeks...

Knowing experts would be called in with imaging equipment

to examine the damage.

And the security systems would have to be shut off.

This whole thing was a setup.

We just happen to be the patsies who took the job.

What do you think they were stealing?

No idea.

All I know is that those two thugs

think that we're the only people in here,

so hopefully Sly and Cabe know what's going on

and are trying to figure out how to get us free.

I-I thought you never left anyone behind.

If we try to untie them, we could get caught

and I don't have a gun.

We need to get reinforcements.

Now we know what they're up to.

They're stealing gems.

We need to get to the authorities.

That is a formidable gate.

Oh, are you kidding?

You can't lift that.

There's no way we can call anybody for help.

Calm down.

Those guys are focused on what they're stealing.

They think they've caught the only two people in here.

So we've got the tactical advantage.

What about the guy from the stockade?

They don't hear from him for long enough,

they go looking for him, and then he tells them about us.

And that's why we got to figure out how to get word

to Toby and Paige as fast as we can.

You're the genius. Come up with something.

There is a way.

But it's unconventional.

You're sending a bird?

Not a bird.

A falcon.

Just got to mix these biological agents.

- Shouldn't take long. - Okay, but you better hustle.

You know how Walt gets when efficiency is compromised.

You don't have to tell me.

Hey, speaking of ol' Wally-boy, it's kind of crazy

he's been married this whole time, don't you think?

I don't know. It's not like it's a real marriage.

Real enough to screw up my life.

You're not mad? I mean,

he was smoochin' you while he was hitched to my girl.

That's kind of messed up.

No, 'cause any smooching we did was a mistake

to begin with. Besides, I'm...

with Tim now, so it's all moot.

Man. Ow. What-- are you okay?

Yeah, it's just, my nipples are sore.

I'm experiencing commiseration lactation.

Don't even want to know.

It's when the male partner of a pregnant woman

or woman who recently gave birth also lactates.

That's insane. You're insane.

A 38-year-old Sri Lankan man nursed his daughters

when his wife died during childbirth.

Also, male Indonesian fruit bats.

And in the 1896 compendium

Anomalies and Curiosities of Med...

Toby, look at me.

You're a man of medicine, and in medicine

rare things happen rarely, right?

So...

do you really think you're lactating

and-and getting morning sickness?

No. So why are you having symptoms?

Because I'm scared to death. Not for me to be a father,

but for Happy to be a mother.

Nurturing, kind and patient

are not the hallmarks of Ms. Happy Quinn.

I might have to mama bear this cub.

It's not like I know what to do.

Maybe I should wax my chest in case the milk comes.

Take a deep breath, listen.

I am raising Ralph alone and there are two of you,

so that makes it easier right there.

Happy has her quirks, so do you-- so what?

Parents don't have to be perfect,

they just have to be there, and loving.

So, you both gonna love that baby?

With all our hearts. I already do.

So you'll be golden.

Okay, buddy?

Okay, I'm gonna call Tim in Denver

and see how the Homeland Conference is going.

Hey.

If we're half the parents you are, our kid'll be lucky.

Thank you for the pep talk.

No problem.

Now shake a leg and finish up those chemicals.

We need to get back. Oh, if there were any issues,

we'd have heard from 'em.

Thieves. Guns. I'm sure they'll get the gist.

How are they gonna get the message?

Well, you're going to put this on Reginald's anklet

and then he is going to fly it to our friends.

How come I got to deal with

the sharp-taloned beast? Because,

while I love birds, I am wholly terrified of them.

How's he gonna know where he's going?

Reginald was trained to fly on this pulse anklet.

He'll only fly when it pulses,

so I'll program the approximate amount of time

to get him to the garage. But we got to do this fast,

because they might not be at the garage for much longer.

He's just gonna land outside and wait for the doc?

Well, as long as he picks up on Toby's musk.

Recent research indicates the migration patterns of birds

are heavily decided by scent.

So now we just need something with Toby's stink on it.

That's a dumb idea.

Yeah, well, if I can get to the chromic acid

that Toby was gonna use to clean the pillar, then

it might be able eat through the rope.

How exactly do you plan on pouring

caustic chemicals with your feet?

One problem at a time.

You know what?

It's not happening.

We need a real plan.

Well, I invite you to offer one up.

I say we climb up the banner.

We got to be quiet. They're in the gem room down the hall.

Put this on before you climb up.

Are you gonna mother me, too?

We need this to get out of here. Now trust me.

All right. All right.

You go first. Hurry.

That's it, that's it.

Come on, come on, come on.

Shh, shh, shh.

Okay.

No, no, no, no, no....

That was a $10 million statue.

Not anymore.

You guys really need to get insurance.

Now go.

So, I had another worry.

What if our kid's stupid?

That's a terrible thing to say.

I don't mean stupid. I mean like you.

That isn't any better.

I mean not a genius.

Genius is hereditary, it's not guaranteed.

We could have a normal.

I do not relate well to normals.

Happy neither.

Well, if I can raise a genius child, you can raise a normal.

Trust me, raising a genius child isn't easy.

I have five of them.

What?

Oh.

I see what you did there. That's very funny.

Oh! Kovelsky's up ahead. Pull over.

No, we got to get back. No, pull over. I'm hungry.

I want to get some steak and eggs.

Bull. You want it for Happy.

Don't you remember our conversation in the garage?

It was great. It's still sinking in.

Come on.

I'm obsessing over my kid. You should understand that.

Fine. Sly's gonna be annoyed.

He didn't want to stay up all night.

Oh, please. He's enjoying quality time

with his feathered friend.

Reginald.

What's taking them

so long?

Sorry we're late.

To the point that we missed

our window for Reggie to catch Toby and Paige

back at the garage. By my calculations,

they're now at Fairfax and Third.

And there's no way for a falcon

to pick up a scent inside of a moving car.

What if they're not in a car?

They're not gonna walk back here.

Fairfax and Third is near Kovelsky's.

If I know Toby, he'll stop

to get me those damn steak and eggs.

He'll be out of the car, on the street.

I can work with that.

I'm connected wirelessly

to the anklet that Cabe

put on our flying vertebrate earlier.

I just need to readjust

pulse duration for the new location and, blammo,

he's headed for Kovelsky's. We just got to prep the bird.

Give me your sweatshirt. Shh.

Shh.

Okay, okay...

Get a beakful of this, Reggie.

This is the man you're looking for.

That should be enough for him to get a scent.

Time to let him out.

Soon as I do this,

it's gonna draw attention to us.

So be ready to run.

Setting the pulse now.

Fly, Reggie, fly!

Run!

_

Come on!

I'm not fast!

Pied Piper controlled rats.

Why the hell are you stopping?

Keep going. I've got an idea.

High iron, high protein. Steak and eggs does a baby good.

I ate French fries and ice cream, and Ralph's fine.

It's the exception, it's not the rule.

Okay, here's a rule: dumb it down.

Okay, when I was pregnant, Ralph's dad Drew was fantastic.

You know why? He wasn't smart.

He didn't try to tell me what I needed; he just asked.

So when I craved salty-sweet, he gave it to me.

You are a genius, so you like to solve problems.

But pregnant women do not want solutions.

Happy wants an errand boy who's a good listener.

So for once in your life, Toby, don't be so smart.

What the hell, man?! What?

Wait, is that the falcon from the museum?

Can't tell. My vision's a little blurry from the heart attack.

There's a note.

You owe me $13.50 plus tip.

Oh, God.

"Thieves in museum-- guns-- we're trapped-- no comms"?

"Guards drugged-- gate still locked-- bring help."

Oh, my God. We got to call Homeland.

Cabe's prisoner is gone.

There's no way he busted out of those stocks.

His people freed him.

Well, they're at full strength now.

We're even at four to four.

But we're outgunned. Many to zero.

Are we even safe in here?

We're not safe anywhere.

They're focused on the robbery, but I'm pretty sure

they've got one or two guys searching for us.

Guys we know nothing about.

They're Aldorrian, for whatever that's worth.

I could tell from their dialect of Spanish.

Aldorrian?

They've been involved in a vicious border war for years.

They've been getting shellacked recently.

Okay, so long-term conflict with a much more powerful neighbor.

They rob a gem exhibit to fund an outmatched military.

Why so far from home?

There's plenty to steal in South America.

Yeah, and why would they steal a few million in gems

when this place has a lot more

valuable stuff?

Because it's not about money--

it's about a bomb.

There's an asteroid in this exhibit.

Its core contains an extremely rare substance

called tantalum-181. That's what they came here for.

Peralta.

How do asteroid guts make a bomb?

They don't. They make it worse.

Does Aldorria have nuclear weapons?

Intelligence reports they have one,

a black-market

Soviet relic.

They're gonna salt it.

Come again? Salting is a process

that ups the radioactivity of a nuke's fallout

by encasing the weapon in a jacket of tantalum-181,

which is transmuted upon detonation into tantalum-182.

And let me guess, two's worse.

Much. That weapon's gonna hurt a lot more people

for a lot longer time.

And we can't let that happen. Okay,

so maybe we just find someplace to hide

and let Toby and Paige bring the cops and such.

'Cause I don't want to get shot at again.

That's not an option.

One, we don't know if the falcon got to them.

Two, those thieves clearly found a way to sneak

into the building, so when they get what they need,

they'll be able to sneak back out again.

Three, I was expecting a quiet night at the museum,

not tangling with Aldorrian asteroid pilferers.

The only way to stop those guys from stealing something

with lethal potential is if we steal it first.

To get the goods, we're gonna have to lure them out of here.

So we're gonna go medieval on their ass.

Oh, that sounds violent.

There's no violence. It's a con

right out of the Hundred Years' War.

The English army was low on supplies,

so they lured the French away from their camp

so the Brits could rob it.

How'd they pull it off?

By making the French believe

that a massive army was assembling nearby.

So first up, we assemble an army...

We do that by taking a video display

from the Great Wars exhibit.

We use one of FDR's speeches.

He had an authoritarian voice.

We'll make it sound like a cop with a bullhorn

by refracting the sound waves

over the varied textures and curvatures of early pottery.

That was expensive.

No matter how long

it may take us...

King Franklin should get their attention.

And when they clear out, we go in.

They were drilling blindly,

but with our DT scanner, we can find

the most direct path to the core.

Got the fastest route to the tantalum.

And finally,

here,

Sylvester and I make enough noise

so they don't

hear you drilling into

the space rock.

Freeze!

Go, go.

I hit the core.

I just have to slowly back the bit out.

Alto!

Oh, no.

What?

The bit's stuck. I can't get it out.

You have to. We have to get the tantalum.

Those guys are gonna be back soon.

This ain't The Sword in the Stone,

and I am not King Arthur.

Did Cabe happen to mention

if the English Hundred Years' War strategy had a backup plan?

Those guys are gonna be back any second.

We have to get the tantalum out.

Back up.

Effective.

Come on!

We can't talk to the others

if the jammer's still killing the signal at the museum.

Well, that's why I'm building this.

Comm jammers they're using sucks up

signals from cell phones, radios, everything.

This baby I'm wiring will sniff it out.

We find it, we disable it.

Hold on.

What are you doing?

Switching from defense to offense.

Cabe, that is a 3,000-year-old Phoenician whaling harpoon.

Damn right. And I'm going fishing.

Come on, let's hustle.

Getting warmer,

warmer,

hotter!

There! Jammer's in that grating.

Me. Your shoulders. Now.

Uh... big breakfast this morning?

Man up!

How long are we staying here?

Until we and this tantalum can get out of here safely.

But since they have guns and we don't,

I'm not sure when that will be.

Hey.

Toby and Paige will come through.

Your baby's gonna be fine.

I know Toby believes that I only think about myself,

but I will do what is necessary to protect your family.

Even if that means that I have to go back home to Ireland.

You are home.

We're not losing you, and we're not

breaking up Scorpion.

We'll do whatever it takes.

You talk nonsense like that again,

I'll punch you in the neck.

Toby's a fortunate guy.

You know, I know ours isn't a real marriage,

but since the day I met you, you've been a faithful friend,

you've come through for me when I needed it, you've helped me

build Scorpion from nothing.

That's loyalty, selflessness,

collaboration. If those are the traits that one looks for

in a spouse, then you've been a...

You've been a great wife.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Wait. Wait. More to the left! I can't reach it.

Trained at Harvard, not Cirque Du Soleil.

I got it!

Okay. Now I just got to deprogram it.

Hey. Guess it's deprogrammed.

Guys? It's us. Do you copy?!

Loud and clear.

We're here, guys. Where are you?

We're at the main doors with Homeland!

Interior gates are still down. Fire department's

coming with equipment to cut through, but it'll take time.

Are you guys safe?

Yeah, we're hiding.

Those thieves didn't come for the gems.

They came to steal tantalum-181.

That sounds bad.

Yeah, later I'll explain how bad.

Well, we stole it first.

They're still here,

but I am gonna get the tantalum to you through the gate.

Walter,

just stay in position.

Men are actively hunting for us.

Then I got to get the tantalum out of here.

Well, I have a gun.

I can come and provide cover for you.

All right, we're at the New Americas exhibit.

We're not far from the main entrance.

We're all the way in the east wing.

You're gonna have to give me a minute.

The longer I wait, the greater the chance that they find me.

Walter.

Hey, you said it.

This could hurt a lot of people for a long time,

so you stay here and you stay hidden.

Walter!

Oh, my God, do something!

I don't have a clean shot!

Walter?

Are you all right?!

No! He got the tantalum.

Post at every exit! They got a master key.

Wait. On your face-- is that red dirt?

It's from the guy who tackled me.

Happy got some on her earlier.

Walter, that's it-- the dirt.

That's how the thieves got in here.

Same way that they're getting out.

We got to go to Mars.

Great. A scary tunnel.

During those weeks they put corrosive on that pillar.

Some of that time was busy digging this tunnel.

Those dusty bastards got a good head start.

Tunnel has to be several blocks long

'cause they couldn't have just dug it out

in the middle of the city. They needed privacy.

The only shot we have is to have the agents fan out

and catch 'em when they climb out.

Covering every possibility? Impossible.

There's no way to tell where this tunnel leads.

But there could be.

First, I'll need Toby's bottle of antacid

- for its ingredients. - Bismuth

subsalicylate burns bright.

Exactly, so we need to make a flare. Now, Paige,

get to the roof next door now.

And, Toby, make sure

that the Homeland agents are ready to move.

Guys...

now we go shopping.

First, some sugar

and ammonium nitrate from a cold pack.

And then a length of hemp.

Sorry.

All right. It's not pretty, but it should work.

Paige, look for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Doesn't even know he made a joke.

Okay, Walter, I'm on the roof!

The tunnel could let them out anywhere,

so keep your eyes open.

Fire in the hole!

Walter,

where the hell are you?!

Little help here!

Okay, close it.

It should blow

any second.

I see it!

The tunnel opens at the corner of Sixth and Grand!

Homeland.

Hands in the air.

Feel free to wave them like

you just don't care.

I'd care if I were you,

'cause you're going to prison.

Hey, I heard from St. Joe's.

Museum guards are awake and doing fine.

Can't say the same for Reginald.

He looks depressed. Think he misses me.

Why do you look down?

I got a call from the plumber.

They found mold.

I'm never stepping foot in your house again.

I got to get a full abatement, clear out for two weeks.

This sucks.

Good news for you guys, though.

Considering the people you helped catch today,

the federal government's gonna cover all damage to the museum.

Sweet.

Provided you get insurance.

Ain't my money.

Hey.

Just want to thank you for the advice earlier.

I will do my best to follow it.

It's just I've, um...

I've never been a dad before.

You know?

Me, neither. But, um, I've been a parent

for a while, so if you ever need anything,

my desk is the one right in front of yours.

Thanks.

You know, holding my hand

doesn't fall within your job description.

No, but it falls within my "friend" description,

so, that desk right there.

Don't be a stranger.

Solar panels coming along?

I'm gonna have this garage green in no time.

What you got there?

It's a divorce gift for your baby.

It's hideous

and heavy. It's protective.

Did you know that on aircraft,

you're exposed to as much radiation as a chest X-ray?

I'm a genius. I know most things.

Well, what if you're on a plane with Tobias Merriweather Curtis Jr.?

Merriweather?

Yeah, I need to tell you something about my middle name.

It's Merriweather.

You said it was Marcus.

Anyway, this beanie reduces radiation exposure

to a brain that does not yet have a fully-formed skull.

I call it, "The Lead Head."

I cannot believe it.

You actually invented something worse than the U-Dog.

Mine fits fine. I feel dizzy.

Nope.

It's just a prototype.

But I want... I want you to know

that I care about your family, Toby.

And I'm sorry that I held back

on getting my citizenship papers expedited.

It's okay. That's a sticky situation.

Zero out of ten doctors think that is a good idea.

You know what is a good idea?

Me stopping being such a pip about your pregnancy.

It's a you-terus, not a me-terus.

Don't say "me-terus" again.

Done. See?

I'm here to give you what you want

during your pregnancy.

So, my fruit-bearing beauty,

my expecting engineer,

my romantic mainstay who's in the family way,

I have just one more question for you.

What do you need?

Remember that strawberry-rhubarb pie

I had at that roadside stand last month?

A craving, just like Paige's salty-sweet thing.

This I can do for you.

That stand's, like, 43 miles away.

Roger that. One pie coming up.

You don't really want that pie, do you?

No. I want two hours of quiet.

Help you?

I am looking for Walter O'Brien.

Who's asking? Mr. O'Brien?

Mrs. Quinn.

Joyce Linehan. I'm with U.S.

Citizenship and Immigration, and I am going to be handling your case.

Nice to meet you.

The wife and I appreciate such a quick turnaround

on our expedited request.

Don't we... honey? We sure do... babe.

Just didn't think it would be this fast.

You can thank your role with Homeland for the green light.

But you know what's funny.

I looked into your history,

and I found some things that are curious.

Well, you know, when you're dealing with geniuses,

things get curious. We're curious by nature.

I'm not talking to you.

Got it.

Let me be blunt.

You've had six years

of different addresses,

and normally, married people live together,

even in Los Angeles.

So... I'm curious.

Well, well, I'm an engineer,

uh, so I use an apartment to store

tools, spare parts, that kind of stuff.

Instead of a storage unit?

I'm idiosyncratic.

Guess so.

How about some coffee?

No, thank you.

I just thought I'd stop by and say hello

since I'm gonna be in your life for some time now.

And we'll talk in detail when I get back.

Any idea when that will be?

Yes.

That's 138

pounds of trouble in a polyester pantsuit.

Are you kidding me?!

"The wife and I"? "Babe"?!

You guys suck at this!

Yeah, that was painful.

You two need to step it up!

All of our futures rest

in that devil-woman's bureaucratic mitts.

If she detects your marriage is a sham, game over.

Walter's leaving on a jet plane,

and Tobias Merriweather Curtis's mother is a felon.

Guys, relationships are living, breathing things.

No, they're not.

I mean, you got to know all the details,

all the things couples know from spending years together.

Intimacies, quirks, habits.

She's right.

Who snores? Who hogs the covers?

Who rolls up the bottom of the toothpaste tube?

This isn't stuff you memorize.

This is learned behavior.

You can only learn it if you've lived it!

Well, you're the behaviorist, so what do we do?

Oh. Cabe, uh,

you need a place to crash for a couple weeks, right?

As of now, Happy's apartment has a vacancy.

We said we'd do what it takes?

Right. Whatever it takes.

Yup.

Whatever it takes.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man