Original subtitles

Teaching is a stressful vocation, isn't it? Miss.

Silence, Mobeen Deen.

What I did there was recreate the power

that words represented by the pen

can have on pupils represented by the doll.

Racist pupils if were properly accurate.

Aqsa, you were indulging in threatening behavior.

I must say, Miss, only after

she was racially abused herself, so.

We are dealing with that element,

but as the other student herself is half Pakistani,

it's complicated.

That is complicated, isn't it?

Mobeen.

I will not tolerate threats

of violence in my school.

This is the third time in the last week.

I'm gonna have to exclude Aqsa from Sixth Form.

Miss Hey, please. Third time this week?

Has anything at home changed in the last few weeks?

Well.

Nothing. Nothing has changed whatsoever.

Everything's the same.

Miss, look, Miss. If we exclude the youth of today,

where does that leave the future?

Oh, you always could talk your way

outta trouble, couldn't you, Mobeen?

I mean.

But Aqsa, I need you to make a commitment

to better behavior.

- Give Miss your commitment. - I give you my commitment.

We promise.

I promise you.

I know promises are sacred in Islam.

Yes, they are.

So don't let me and Allah down.

Yeah. Listen, Miss I, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable

with you putting yourself in the same bracket

as the one true God in that book.

Thank you.

And thank you Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar!

Thank you Miss. - Thank you Miss.

- Thank you, Allah. - Thank you Allah.

So you ever considered converting to Islam?

Get out Mobeen before I change my mind.

Mobeen.

Before you go,

I thought I'd let you know about Mr. Tilley.

Mr. Mr. Tilley. My favorite teacher. Sorry.

After I've called you my favorite teacher.

How, how is he?

Let's just say he's gone to the big school in the sky.

Who did he,

Mainly his two oldest friends.

Lamberton Bottler.

Lambert?

Oh, cigarettes.

That's so sad, isn't it? He was my guy.

You know, he gave me an A star

for my lollipop stick statue for the Eiffel Tower.

What a guy. It was really good.

Yes. He always was an over generous marker.

The funeral is on Friday afternoon,

and I'm sure his widow would love

to see his former students in attendance.

Of course will be there. And,

and also no more drama from this one.

Say no more drama there to Miss.

Yeah. No more drama, Miss.

I'll see you both on Friday then.

- Mm. - Mobeen.

Me.

Yes, Miss?

This is a chance for you to demonstrate commitment.

Set an example to Aqsa.

I'm sure you two won't let me down.

Never.

We wouldn't want there to be any consequences.

Consequences.

Bye.

See you at the funeral.

See you there.

If you are gonna show me you are all about this life

then you must prove it.

Do it.

I can't.

Mobeen.

Dear Uncle.

No, no, no. I think killing goats is cruel.

I'm not doing that.

Oh, you don't say that when you are eating your

goat curry, do you?

Well, obviously Uncle, that's because Bilal the butcher

shanks the goat before I get to the curry.

A fair point.

But Uncle, listen to me. Yeah.

I mean, shit.

Only a real thug would deal with this goat in your office.

Okay, fine.

I'll do it.

Why are you creeping up on it like that?

It looks like you're gonna shag it, not shank it.

I'm sorry.

It's in my foot! It's in my foot!

Oh shit!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. - No, no, no, no!

I have to do it.

Get him off me.

This is why one day

you'll be learning all of this, my son.

Hey, I don't mean to interrupt,

but this actually looks quite serious.

Yeah. Listen Uncle, no it won't be. Yeah.

And if this week's episode of bag roll

to small leaf is finished now,

can you tell me why I'm here?

Yeah. Look, I have a very important job for you.

Fine. I'll call the ambulance myself.

See, there's some new kids on the block.

Maynards, you know, they've got, got the power

by taking out some of my old connects.

Hello? Yeah. I've just been stabbed by a goat.

And look, I want you to make sure they sell my molly.

Okay, listen, that's a big deal.

You should really make

that connect yourself so they know the rules

know who you are.

No, No, no, no, no.

You know how to talk to these young black boys.

Uncle, you're sounding very racist right now.

And he is making you sound like a bit of a pedo.

Shut up Naveed, before I get that goat back in here.

Yeah.

I'm not comfortable

with getting involved in this drug shug stuff. Yeah.

Because it hurts people. It damages lives.

I don't want nothing to do with it.

But you owe me 25,000.

Okay? So you will do, as I tell you.

With a hole in foot.

Mobeen I, I know you're trying to be a good Muslim.

Oh cause I'm really, I'm there hard, I'm trying.

Yeah. Well, you're fucking failing on that big time.

So I tell you what, you set up this deal for me

and I will write off the 25 grand

and then maybe, maybe you'll never have to see me again.

If I do this one deal for you. We are done.

Yeah. Okay.

So you go and meet the Maynards this Friday, 2:30.

2:30 this Friday?

I can't because I've gotta go to my old teacher's funeral.

And that's really important.

The next funeral you will go to will be

that tall lanky Nigerian friend of yours.

Now you meet the Maynards, 2:30 this Friday.

Go on!

I, I, I'll go with him.

No! You do not go anywhere near that meeting.

I do not even want to see you in this office again.

You are a complete waste of fucking food.

Fucking hell.

Goodness, that was harsh, wasn't it? Aye.

Hey Naveed, listen to me.

It's okay to cry.

- Is it? - Yeah. There's no room

for this toxic masculinity, bro.

Not even in a thug life.

Could, could you call an ambulance, please?

I should take a deep breath.

Get yourself together to stop being a wet willy,

and get on it!

Eight,

Nate, come here.

What is it?

Kazim, I didn't know they were your socks.

Oh, just come here. I love you two.

So what, what's this about?

Never stop it though, because your side boob feels lovely.

What a bunch of chocolate gays.

I just been thinking about death.

Huh? Why who's after you?

Mr. Tilley.

- Mr. Tilley? - Mr. Tilley is after you?

He gave me an A star from my toilet roll statue

of the leaning tower of Pisa.

He gave you A star as well?

Oh yeah. That was shit though.

Do you remember?

He wasn't even straight. He was like, one.

Hey! He's dead.

What?

Oh no.

May our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ rest his soul.

Ameen.

It's amen.

Ameen.

Easy mistake to make. Amen.

Yeah. I respect that but it's, Ameen, so.

It's definitely amen

when you think about it though.

Okay? Ameen!

Good run, ain't it? It's Ameen.

Yeah, exactly. Listen, anyway,

Mr. T's funeral services is this Friday

and I want you to talk me through the service

'cause I wanna be respectful.

What kind of church is it?

White people church ain't it?

I dunno how they get down.

But let's mess this up together then.

Amen.

It's Ameen.

how many times I say it.

Uncle, which one do you use?

I couldn't give two shit.

What's this?

It's for my goat injury.

Okay.

Naveed?

So, so, so what's, what, what, what's going on?

I'm a disgrace.

Look at me. I've had four pain au chocolat.

Four of 'em?

I can't even roll a joint.

I've ruined a whole Argo catalog.

Naveed, listen to me. Would you like to know a secret?

Hmm? - What?

I, I can't roll joints either.

- Really? - Yes.

Yes, that's true. I want you to know, mate.

See this road man shit. It's just a fallacy.

Naveed, me, you, your uncle,

we are all faking it until we make it.

Here's what I need you to do. I need you to, to do

to, to wipe off the pain au chocolat crumbs.

Go on, give, give, give, give 'em a wipe.

Yeah, I, I, I see, yeah, get rid of 'em.

Throw away the marijuana

because you, my friend, are gonna stall the Maynards.

Me stall the Maynards?

You are gonna stall the Maynards.

I can only trust you to do that.

You really think I can stall the Maynards?

I know you can stall the Maynards.

2:30 though, be there. Okay?

Yeah.

Just, just to honestly stall 'em though.

Yeah, please.

2:30.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I believe in you. Ho ho, big Naveed.

Stop patronizing me, you fat prick.

I do love the architecture

on churches of this era.

Beautiful.

Listen, you know, if you go inside,

does that mean they're gonna go, hell?

Don't be silly, but listen, yeah?

Their version of Jesus, a very white brother.

True.

Chris Hemsworth has swallowed the Polish build on that.

We all know the truth, man.

Yeah.

- Black Jesus, for life! - For life!

Alayhi al-salam.

Well Mobeen and the spicy girls.

How you doing?

Officer Harper, what are you doing here?

Come to pay my respects to Mr. Tilley.

He was a pillar of the local community.

Are you wagging the afternoon off work?

How dare your Mobeen?

I'm on duty, but yeah, I'm wagging in the afternoon.

Man, I knew it, go on then.

Go on then.

You look very handsome.

This is the house of God, Arslan.

Stop coming onto me.

I wasn't doing that.

Go watch that car, please.

I wasn't, I, I wouldn't do that.

You don't have to say anything, yeah?

Mobeen, Aqsa, glad you didn't let me down.

Nathaniel. - Miss.

Good to see you.

Arslan, did they ever figure out what was wrong with you?

No, but I'm still having tests Miss

and I remember to go appointments. Isn't it?

Miss, if you could point in the direction

of Mr. Tilley's widow. I've got very busy afternoon.

We're all busy, Mobeen.

But don't worry, there'll be plenty

of time to see her over the next few hours.

I don't even got a few hours.

You wouldn't want me to question you,

or more importantly, Aqsa's commitment would you Mobeen?

So interesting to see someone like you at the service.

- Okay? - And who do you worship?

I, I'm a Christian.

We just do things differently at my church.

I can imagine. Is there a lot of voodoo?

Officer Harper, why are you wearing a strap to a funeral?

Listen, Mobeen, when you walk

around wearing this uniform, protection is very important.

Are you wearing a condom?

Has he ever been tasered?

No, but I would support that police brutality.

I'ma tell that priest

that cop is wearing a condom.

What? What do you what do you call him?

Father.

Dad!

Dad. Cop is wearing a condom.

Sorry for your loss.

Tammy!

Listen. You are giving me life right now.

Oh, poor old Mr. Tilley-a.

You know he gave me an A star for my bun noodle

model of the Great Wall of China.

He was a very generous marker of students' work.

It turns out.

Cheek, your mouth's still getting you into trouble, then.

Listen mate, more than you can imagine

since school flipping heck.

Time flies.

I don't think I've seen you after you got expelled.

No. And I don't think I saw you after,

did it ever work out?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, she's healthy. Beautiful.

- Yeah. - Pain in the bloody neck now.

- My, teenagers, ain't it? - Oh, have you got one?

- It's complicated. - Mobeen!

Speak of the devil.

Sorry to disturb this week's episode of "The Undateables",

but do you know what that is?

Yes. That's my mate from school.

Oh really? Well tell her a congratulations.

For what?

Producing the most racist little cow known to mankind.

That's her daughter? Goddamn.

God damn those who don't believe in Jesus,

but the real black one, peace be upon him.

You sure? - Yes.

So stop fraternizing with the enemy.

Mom. This is Mobeen.

We went to school together.

I have no interest in meeting anyone like him.

They're all the same, drug dealers and murderers.

I'm so sorry, Mobeen.

Why? She seems lovely.

She's just got a problem

ever since Shannon's dad with Pakistanis.

Complicated, yeah.

I mean it's no excuse, but yeah. Complicated.

- I'll see you in a minute. - Yeah.

Shit.

Yes! Hello. What the Maynards saying?

I don't know. I'm not there yet.

Where are you?

I'm at home making sure they take me seriously.

I'm getting prepared.

Getting prepared, how?

By ironing my polo neck.

Polo neck!

Who the are you, shoved?

You better get here before they do.

That's not true.

What I said is fact and facts can't be racist.

She's a putty gutty just like her granddaughter.

Not, how dare you?

Where have you been? Selling heroin to the priest?

God, I have nothing to do

with these people's simple ways in Your house.

Don't put your hands on a coffin.

Probably getting drunk on that one, piss.

- Is he all right? - He's not all right.

But to be fair to him, we all thought

that when we were kids, we thought that's what it's called,

getting pissed because it's made outta your own piss.

Papa Sha, been it? Yeah.

But only believed after primary school.

So you are sought a taking over our country.

When we had our stupid diversity drive at work,

I had to make a full halal menu.

It took me two days to find halal lettuce.

Sorry, halal lettuce?

Yeah.

Don't put your hands on a coffin.

Mobeen, lettuce has always been halal, brother.

Enough. Okay, listen. Shannon's dad's Pakistani. Yeah?

And when his parents found out

you were pregnant, they flipped.

- Pretty much. - Yeah.

Some brown people can be racist. Not as racist as her.

No.

And I can imagine some of the things that they said.

White girls are like this. Guria are like that.

That's exactly what they said.

And that is disgusting. Yeah, but we're not all like that.

I, I am.

Every time boy's coming out.

Don't put your hands on the coffin.

So listen, what, what, what I'm trying to say is yeah,

you are breeding the same mentality into your granddaughter

that they bred into their son.

So we can carry on hating each other

or we can choose to be better.

Go on Mobeen.

- What do you think Paula? - No.

Can you just arrest her, please?

I can maze her.

That would be lovely.

Well done, Mobeen. I hope you've seen the value

of commitment to a cause.

I have, Miss, yeah.

Oh, now that we've managed to cure the whole world

of racism forever.

Shall we lay Mr. Tilley to rest?

Listen baby girl, I've gotta go

but I'll leave you these like, yeah.

Yeah, thanks.

Sit down.

- Ya Salam J. - Salam Mobeen.

About time my brother.

- Yeah man. - Yeah.

Is this you man? Yeah.

This a little something. A to B, you know.

Never met my brother now.

- No - Bro. You ain't never met me?

Cause I'm not here to be met. Good afternoon though.

Is he all right? This one.

We got a lot to discuss, but first things first,

why is a guy in a turtleneck?

Oh God.

Me wear what me wear.

Why is he talk like that?

Me talk how me talk, now let's talk business.

You shouldn't go hopping around blood.

This is big man conversation.

You don't talk to me like that.

Do you know who my uncle is?

Nah, but I know who your auntie is.

That was quick, still.

Allow it Nav, please.

You told me to stall them.

Wait, stall who?

Do we look like the kind of people to be stalled?

Is that what you think of us Mobeen?

That is not what I think of you man.

You know that. Listen, we we've been having a rough day.

Yeah. Things ain't be running smoothly and that's all.

So let's just talk about how we can meet you two.

The next kingpins of Ladywood. Yeah?

These two, kingpins of Ladywood?

Even your ends sound like a woman with an erection.

Whoa, whoa.

Know what? You better shut your mouth before

I go to the whip and get the burner.

No need for that?

You're gonna let him get away with that?

Mobeen, he's disrespecting me. You gotta do something.

Naveed! Shut up. You're a joke. Just go!

Joel, Shurwin. I apologize.

Yeah, can we just get down to business? Okay.

You move weight for Khan,

with the power he's got in the city,

you two are set for life.

All you've gotta do is just play your part.

Mobeen-a!

Oh my God.

Mobs, Mobs, they're serving peach cobbler.

Not now.

It's halal.

Hi.

Every time I turn my back your meeting one of your men.

It's not like that.

Hey, you think I'm not man enough for road. yeah?

Well look what I find in your whip.

Yeah, that's right.

How's it gonna feel? Getting blasted by your own strap.

Oh shit.

And you, you pussy hole. Am I saying that right?

Yeah. You my uncle, you like never respected me.

But now I'm not a joke, now I'm on a Mobeen. Huh?

You like, put some respect on my name, yeah?

Put some respect on me name. I,

Mobeen-a.

Run!

No, that's my gun. It got my prints all over it.

Police, you fucking hands in the air now.

Hands in the air!

Shurwin!

I told you they were drug dealers and murderers.

Oh, shut up.

That fed is dead.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

♪ You are dead Papa ♪

♪ Take me out this little way ♪

♪ Then we're gonna raise me now ♪

♪ I'm on rage ♪

♪ No play ♪

♪ Just nudge them outta my lane ♪

♪ Got a show at 10 ♪

♪ We're on the M-Way ♪

♪ My boy just bought a noose ♪

♪ And you know he's gotta test it out like operates ♪

♪ Rockstar like Cobain ♪

♪ While your man lays around the whole day ♪

♪ Rockstar I love bands ♪

♪ Hope I'm waving hands ♪

♪ Rockstar with them bands ♪

♪ They won't undo the bands ♪

♪ Rockstar I got bands ♪

♪ Hope I'm waving hands ♪

♪ Rockstar likes the chasing tables ♪

♪ Rock the man off the stands ♪