Original subtitles

And here you go,

and this is for you,

and you get a little.

Dad, what are you doing?

Every so often I have to go through and remusk

all of my possessions.

Otherwise, who would know they're mine?

Oh, this is a family heirloom.

Won't be losing this.

Don't touch that. It's mine.

Yes, so I smelled.

It's interesting. Looks foreign.

It's actually from the Sicilian side of my family.

- I have Sicilian relatives? - Yes.

It's one of those big, warm, loving families.

- You know Sicilians. - I don't.

Is that what they're like?

Who's this?

Well, there's your Aunt Rosa.

And who is she smiling at? Her son,

which would be your cousin Sal.

She looks like she loves him.

Bet she never cuts him down with sarcastic asides.

How wonderful that must be for them both.

May I keep this?

If you can overpower your old man's scent,

then it's all yours.

King Ty, I've just run all day and night

to bring you this news.

Sounds like you ran all day and night

to tell us you're into running.

That's just like runners, isn't it?

Every chance they get to work it in.

Forgive me. I shouldn't have bragged

about the running part.

Hss. It's just pretty extraordinary.

The last guy who ran this far died immediately after

delivering his message.

Well, I suppose you'd better spit it out

rather than foist your lifestyle choices on us.

Once again, I didn't come here to tell you I run,

although there are some great trails around here,

and it's true about the runner's high.

Spit it out! An army approaches.

Is it the Kassites?

No. The great warrior Hector with his men.

Hector? Hector! Yes.

He says anyone who wants to see something spectacular

should gather in the amphitheater.

We have an amphitheater?

Stupendous used to worship Hector.

Yeah. I don't know about worship.

You had a fresco of him in your bedroom.

I ate so much plaster making out with that thing.

It's one of the reasons I get turned on

when I smell someone getting a cast.

Well, I think we should go and see him.

Runner person, when is the show?

- He didn't say. - Well, could you find out?

Don't have to ask me twice.

Anyone want to come with?

Best way to start is to just dive in.

Anyone? No? All right.

Have fun with your heart disease.

No offense. Wish you all the best.

Just saying.

♪ Huh ♪

♪ Huh huh huh huh ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

Oh! There's Hector now.

God, look at those muscles.

He looks like a wineskin full of watermelons,

and I do mean that in a good way.

What would the bad way be?

Ha ha ha! Aah!

Ha ha! Hyah!

Hold on. That guy's not oozing

or spraying anything.

Where's the blood

and that mush that comes out of people's ears

when you hit them in the head too hard?

Well, he's not actually hurt.

Huh? Then why is everyone applauding?

Stupendous, it's a performance.

These men are heroes.

They're much too famous for real war.

Real heroes fight in real wars.

This is more like, uh--

A skillful, choreographed dance?

I was gonna say a big, stupid lie.

It makes a mockery of battle.

Oh, this is better than battle, Stupendous.

This is a show.

Hyah! Unh!

Confettied them right in the face!

This is what the great hero of old Troy does now,

play fighting?!

And making a killing in mutton legs

and novelty tourniquets.

I wonder who represents him.

Thanks, everybody. Thank you.

I'd like to thank Apollo for his favor.

If you liked today's show, please make

a livestock sacrifice to the Sun God.

Of course, like that tow-headed fop

isn't already drowning in fatted lambs.

Apollo hogs all the best warriors and hogs.

These aren't warriors. Warriors war in wars,

and they definitely don't curtsy after they get stabbed.

Oh, come on, Stupendous.

Isn't there a little part of you that would like to be up there?

This is what you do.

This is not what I do.

I mean, do I ever throw in a little cartwheel

when I'm kicking a guy's head off?

Sure! I've got as much style as the next guy, but this--

Eat my child and call me Zeus.

Is that the goddess Deliria?

Hector, you were magnificent!

Really? I feel like the short shadow of the sun show

is never as good as the long shadow show.

Oh, stop.

You know, my daughter is something of a hero, too.

You don't say. You know, we're always looking

for warriors with fancy feet and a winning smile.

Thanks, but I do my winning on the battlefield.

Ha ha ha! Suit yourself.

Del hon, let me know the next time you're coming.

I'll get you comped. If you'll excuse me!

Look, Stupendous. Fans!

OK, everybody.

On 3, take a very vivid mental picture.

Sorry. I blinked. One more--one more time,

one more time.

Oh, Ty. There you are.

Nunus tenti mim! Is that Hittite?

It's "Hello, brother" in Siculian, I think.

That's one of the languages of Sicily.

Now, I've made a us a real, traditional,

authentic Sicilian meal,

not the stuff you'd get in the colonies

or some Phoenician trading post.

I'm talking Sicani, Siculi, Elimi.

- Excuse me? - He's obsessed with Sicily.

Not obsessed.

Simply getting in touch with my roots.

Bandfish with cheese? Pistachios, introduced

to the island by Arabian traders,

according to my research.

You cooked? I've got plenty of

poison in my lab already.

You know what? I looked at this vase

and realized we don't have to be like this.

We don't hug each other.

We leave each other hanging, and we certainly don't

dance shoulder to shoulder.

Because we're smart and your shoulders are pointy.

Dad, what can you tell me about my Aunt Rosa?

Does she have a lilting voice? I bet she has a lilting voice.

Look. I've had very little contact with them.

They're just people who live somewhere else

and happen to have someone in their family tree

who slept with someone in mine.

And from there, two families diverged.

One grew cold and self-centered as the other tended

the fields under the blue Sicilian sky,

singing and laughing together, growing pistachios,

commonly referred to as the warmest of nuts.

I can think of two warmer.

- Dad, could you fly me there? - I don't know, son.

In my experience, family can be a real mixed bag.

Yeah. I'd hate to see you go there and be disappointed.

What am I saying? I would love to see that.

Same here. Plus, we're out of pistachios.

So how was the show?

Is he as good as they say in all the odes?

Better. Live battle is such a thrill.

This is crazy. I got way more battle skills

than any of those guys.

Well, of course you do, darling.

So how come Scott's never breathlessly referred

to my work as "a revelation"?

The only reason everybody doesn't know that

is because you always kill or cut out the tongue

of anyone who could pass on that information.

You have to leave someone alive with a tongue

to tell the story.

Leave someone alive with a tongue?

Why don't I just braid them a friendship bracelet?

It just sucks to do all the work and get

none of the recognition.

Ugh. Stupendous, the heroes who get odes and fans

are just the ones who know how to self-promote.

Isn't that kind of gross?

Gross and necessary.

If you want people to recognize your talent,

I could be your sponsor, like Hector has Apollo.

It would be a way for us to spend some

more time together.

Well, that would be nice, I guess.

There we go, and of course, as your mother,

I would waive the traditional 15% of all burnt offerings.

How does 10 sound? 8, but that's as low as I go.

- 9. - OK, maybe,

but I'm not wearing makeup!

You will wear stage makeup,

or I shall smite everyone in this town.

Fine, but no blush. It washes me out.

Wow! So she's gonna do it, huh?

This is very exciting!

Who is this? Are you part of this somehow?

Am I supposed to know who you are?

I thought so, but I guess it's good

to know if not.

Mm-wha. There. Now you're ready to knock them dead.

Isn't that specifically what I'm not doing?

What you're doing is becoming a legend

sponsored by the goddess of winning--Deliria.

Hyah!

Whoa. What are you doing?

Gargie doesn't feel pain.

Oh, Gargie can't feel pain,

but can Gargie die of burns?

Uh, I don't think so. Now go put yourself out.

We need to burn something during the show.

Ha! Who is this tall drink of razzmatazz?

Showbiz looks good on you, Stupendous.

Thank you. I did the makeup.

I'm getting rather good at lightning bolts.

I'm a big fan of your earlier stuff.

Oh, the Trojan War? Ha!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, people love that one,

but it's the stuff I do now that really gets

the blind men talking.

- Are you wearing fake hair? - Oh, it's not fake hair.

It's show hair, and it's real.

It's just not mine.

So you want to be a part of the show?

- What can you do? - Oh, I don't know.

Kill with my sword. Kill with my ax.

Kill with pulling guys apart with my hands.

Kill with stomping my feet.

Kill with crushing guys between my thighs.

Kill with throwing guys off of cliffs.

Kill with throwing guys off of high walls. Um...

That's why you've never heard of her.

Everyone she encounters dies.

What's that little battle cry you have that

always makes me chuckle?

- Not today! - Oh, she's good, isn't she?

Thanks, Mom. OK, Stupendous.

Show me what that big, beautiful arm can do.

Knock his beard off! I know you can do it.

You're my daughter, and you're Stupendous.

Oh, check it out.

Ha ha! That's what I'm talking about.

Deliria, where did you find this star?

In my uterus!

Now, Ty, there's a very real chance

they hate me for some reason.

That's not based on anything I know about them.

It's just an observable pattern.

I doubt our Sicilian... tigge, uh, would hate you.

That's Elymian for "family," I think.

Might actually be Siculian.

Who's there?

Uh, hello. Nunu-- Huh?

Uh, my, uh, name is Tyrannis,

and I believe we are distant relatives.

Sal, who's at the door? His name's Tyrannis.

He says he's a distant relative.

- A relative? - Yeah, distant.

We got family at the door? That's what Sal says.

Yeah. Distant relatives.

Distant means nothing to me.

Hey, everybody. There's family here.

I'm your Auntie Rosa. This is your Uncle Vince.

These are your cousins Antonia, Angelo, Maria,

Checca, Antonelo, Carmala, Carmalo, Sal, Nunzio,

and there's a bunch more in the kitchen.

Are you hungry?

Of course he's hungry. Look at him.

Hey. You like pistachios?

We grow them on our farm. Out of this world.

What do you do for a living, Ty?

Well, I'm the king of Krapop--

A king? Everybody, cousin Ty's a king!

- Ohh! - Ohh!

Sal, get some pistachios for your king cousin!

I got to hand it to you, Ty.

Your family is awesome.

His family? Ohh!

You're in this great big meatball, too, Pesce.

You have to stay for dinner.

This isn't dinner? No. We eat constantly.

And after dinner, will there be dancing?

Will there be dancing? Are you out of your mind?

Of course there'll be dancing.

Ladies and gentlemen, people and horse people,

are you ready?

No. I can't hear you.

I said are you ready for the showdowwwwnnn?

Now don't be nervous. You've got this.

Why would I be nervous? I've killed actual armies.

This is nothing. Wait. Are you nervous?

No. Just do everything exactly the way we rehearsed and smile.

People love a happy warrior.

OK.

Hailing from the Polis of Krap,

it's the Mountain of the Mediterranean,

the one-eyed wonder herself,

the sexy, super Stupendous!

And from the dungeon under that spooky castle in Thebes,

you know him, you fear him.

I just think he's kind of cute.

Dragonnnnn!

Warriors, ready?

Battle!

Aah!

Hyah!

Hoo! Aah! Ooh!

Huh! Ah! Unh!

Stay down! What?

He has to do his catchphrase first.

Know why they call me dragon?

'Cause I'm draggin' this tail across your face!

Unh! Agh!

Now you!

Not today!

Aah!

Ohh!

Ladies and gentlemen, the great Stupendous,

daughter of me, destroyer of this dragon.

Are you getting all this, blind men in the press box?

Bland man: Can someone describe him to us?

I can't believe Ty was right.

This family seems awesome.

You know what they remind me of?

Strangers at the bar.

You know, that's exactly right.

It's like a family that acts like drunk people

you don't know that make you feel more like family

than family does.

See? This is how it should be.

Shoulder to shoulder. Just how I dreamt it.

They enjoy each other, look after each other.

I've not seen one eyeroll.

Do you know how hard it is to go through a day

in our house without being eyerolled

or eyerolling someone else?

I do it constantly at home,

but here, I wouldn't think of it.

I don't even feel dumb dancing.

I'm feeling so at ease here,

I've not once had the urge to change the topic to sex.

Wait. Do I change the topic to sex to avoid discomfort?

Let's everyone have sex with everyone else.

Who's that? More family?

No, it's our cousins, the Bonaseras.

Even more family. What an embarrassment of riches.

We hate them. Why do we hate them?

They disrespected us.

Who would do such a thing?

Because you stole our farm!

Is that true?

Of course we stole their farm

because they disrespected us.

We didn't start disrespecting you until after.

There were inklings.

We stole their farm on a hunch of disrespect?

We stole it on inklings.

Full family fight!

Full family fight!

Full family fight! Full family fight!

- Fists? - Sure. Knives?

You betcha. Bats?

Pillows maybe.

Filled with rocks. Yes.

One of our two whole families is dying tonight!

Apollo, I didn't know you'd be here.

Yeah, I had to welcome you to the big leagues.

Please make a plate.

I always make sure Hector has

the best snacks for his strength.

Goddess Deliria! Oh. It's you.

- I've run all day and night. - There we go.

The Kassites are invading.

This one likes to talk about how far he's run.

Can't get enough of it. Oh, yeah?

How far have you got? What's your personal best?

Oh, you can't be serious.

I must find Stupendous.

- Her army is-- - Stupendous is busy.

- But the Kassites are-- - She's busy, I said.

All right.

This isn't actually my record,

but Marathon to Athens feels like a good length for--Aah!

I never think to zap people sooner.

Look at him go. You do run fast!

Thanks! It's really a lifestyle!

Aah!

Not today! NOT today! Not to-DAYYY!

No. Too weird. Stupendous,

this is going to be huge.

Tell her what you told me.

I had a genius idea.

They're desperate for a new hero,

and I need to keep the show fresh,

so it's time for me to go down,

and I want you to be the one who beats me.

- Hector promise Gargie. - Gargie, you're dying.

- Gargie didn't know that. - Come on, man.

Look at yourself. You're full of arrows.

Think about it, Stupe. The great Hector blindsided

by the up-and-comer Stupendous!

The world gets a new hero,

and then maybe down the line, we'll give me a redemption arc,

or I come back as Dark Hector, my evil twin.

Da da da. We'll figure it out.

But when we get out there, beat me.

I've been wanting to move into more

of a producing role anyway.

Uh, heh heh. Wait, Hector.

Uh, we didn't talk about this.

Apollo, baby, trust me. It'll be great!

For her maybe. What about me?

Suddenly, the great Apollo is sponsoring a loser?

Suddenly, friggin' Deliria

is the god of the greatest warrior in the world

and getting my fatted lambs?!

Works for us.

Well, it doesn't work for me!

Oh, be a team player, Apollo!

It's for the story, and, Stupe,

please don't forget to pull your punches.

I'm not the warrior I once was.

Right. I'm just so used

to punching my punches, you know?

Stupendous! Ugh. This guy.

Your army has done everything they can without you,

but the Kassites are too tough. The Kassites?

Tell us more about what you think

the best running distance is.

It's Marathon to Athens, and it's catching on.

No. What about the Kassites?

They're invading,

and your army is not doing great.

They're trying to fight them without me?

Why didn't they tell me earlier?

They tried, but your mom stopped me

from giving you the message.

She did what?!

Stopped me from delivering the message.

Uh, zap! Whoa. Wait a minute.

This is going in a pretty good direction for me.

What are you doing?

My job.

No, no, no. You cannot do this to me.

I didn't have a daughter and name her Stupendous

to not get credit.

You can be replaced!

Don't care.

Oh, Gargie not looking so bad now, hey, Hector?

Is there any way we can match up by weight?

There's a fellow over there I might do much better against.

You get who you get.

That's the rules of a full family fight.

But my dad got matched up with your family monster,

and it looks like my brother's fighting a baby?

That's just a coincidence. It's not by size.

Your father could have just as easily got

matched up with that baby.

- Ohh! - You know what?

I may have overestimated the Sicilian lifestyle.

I think our side of the family has some wonderful traits.

Like, for example, the one where we run away

when things get rough.

Agreed. Dad, want to fly us out of here?

I cannot wait to stop caring about these people.

Hey. You don't leave your family like this!

This is, as it turns out, the exact amount

of family that I can handle.

Gargie, Gargie, Gargie, Gargie...

So you're sponsoring who now?

- Gargie. - Hmm. That's a shame.

He's got, like, what, two minutes left?

Well, the crowd loves him,

and by definition, that means they love me.

People seem to want Gargie to win.

You know they're cheering for you

as a joke, right?

Gargie feels pretty good.

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

Ohh.

Of course you feel good.

You don't feel anything.

Gargie doing Gargie best.

Gargie giving all. Gargie good.

Yeah, exactly. You're Gargie good.

You're just not good good.

Gargie good good good for Gargie.

I got into this game because Hector's hot

and I have a thing for Troy.

Remind me what your relationship is to that.

My daughter had other priorities.

Oh, that's a shame. She's a star.

She really made you look good.

Gargie's internal organs are failing.

Gargie's bleeding from all holes!

But Gargie's still fine!

Unh! Huh!

Not now, Mom.

Is there anything I can do to get you

back to the arena?

Huh! Unh!

All these swords are fake!

Well, do you expect?

You grabbed them from the prop pile.

I'm not going back there.

Can't you see I have work to do?

Damn prop! Look what you made me into.

I'm a joke of a warrior. My makeup is running.

That should be blood!

Aah!

I was trying to help you.

If you're trying to help me,

why don't you help me here?

You want glory? You want to sponsor me?

- Aah! - Do it!

Here where no one can see?

Yes!

Ugh.

- Aah! - Ohh!

- Unh! - Agh!

Arrr! Aah!

- Unh! - Aah!

- Ugh! - Unh!

Wait! What? What now?

Leave someone to tell the story.

That seems braggy.

Just one guy, like--

ugh--him. Oh!

Hey, you! Go tell everyone

that Stupe beat these guys.

No! Go back and tell them Deliria stepped in

and say Stupe was losing until she prayed to me.

I didn't pray.

I just made a reasonable request.

Fine. Just make sure you tell them that

my daughter Stupendous lived up to her name and always will.

OK. I think I got it.

Wow. Thanks, Mom.

- Oh, don't go soft on me now. - I'm not.

I just got glitter in my eye from that cannon.

No, no. What are you doing?

- No need for that. - Huh?

What possible reason? Stand up.

Well, I was gonna run to--

No. Walk. Oh. You know what? No knees!

Oh, man. Huh!

Heh. Much better.

I don't know what you're worried about.

The show was a triumph.

I'm not worried. I know it was good.

I'm just telling you that I think it can be better.

Um, sorry. Is this a knock on me?

Because I can only work with what you're giving me.

I'm giving you gold out there!

Ha ha! Well, let's not get carried away.

You're a dick, you know that?

Yeah, I have been told.

Now, where's this incredible weapon supposed to be?

Gargie said it would be here, but I'm not see--

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Gargie? Gargie? Really?

The giant you've been progressively

killing and humiliating?

Yeah. Why? Hector!

Clean my stables and call me Augeas.

I know that voice!

- Achilles! - I've got you now.

Ruh-roh! Think fast, Hec.

Damn you, Gargie!

Dan Harmon: Did you get any of that?

Bento.