Original subtitles

This is our first line of defense.

Here at Fort Nicholson is found the world center of atomic research.

Here the world's greatest scientists are working together...

to build and experiment with the atomic and hydrogen weapons...

that make this country the strongest force for peace in the world.

Each man here is a handpicked expert.

Ten, nine, eight, seven...

six, five, four...

three, two, one. Blastoff!

Hey, Penn, shut that water off.

Turn it off!

Shut it off!

Turn it off!

Keep that thing off of me. It's dangerous.

Hurry up, it's alive!

It's Howdy Doody time

What are you trying to do? Drown me or something?

You and your bright ideas.

We joined the army for adventure, didn't we?

Not me. I joined the army to get an education.

Chicks go for intellectual guys these days.

Remember them army posters?

"Join the army. Let us prepare you for a high-paying civilian job."

I knew how to be a civilian before I ever joined the army.

What have we learned so far?

-What have we learned so far? -Yeah.

I'll tell you one thing we learned, never to volunteer.

We don't have to. Every dirty job in the army is our personal property.

Yeah. How about discipline? Weren't we taught discipline?

How do I know? I can't even spell it.

Neatness. How about neatness?

Cleaning garbage cans.

Yeah, well. Yeah, that's for sure.

-How can you eat that stuff? -It ain't easy.

Philbrick, I wonder what kind of high-paying civilian job they're preparing us for.

Penn, old buddy, are you at all familiar with the city dump?

We might make a couple of good sanitary engineers.

Come on, you'd never pass that sanitary part.

The way I figure it, missiles are the thing.

We ought to transfer to a missile base.

This is a missile base.

Then we ought to ask for action. Things are happening up there.

This is the space age. I want to go to the moon.

Yeah. And I'd like to send you there.

I'm serious. Look at Sputoonik.

"Sputoonik"? You mean Sputnik.

Yeah. They sent a dog up in one. The next thing is to send a man.

I'd volunteer.

You said a man.

Pvt. Philbrick, first man into space.

I ain't so big.

I'd probably fit into one of those satellites. How big do you think they are?

I'd say about the size of one of them GI cans.

Hold my cigar.

Over here, Penn.

-Where? -In here!

Not bad. It's a little cramped.

Boy, you sure look natural in there.

Cut it out!

All right, Cdr. Philbrick, are you all set to go?

Check, Cdr. Penn. Ready for camera check.

Ready for instrument check.

-Pressure? -Check.

Ready for blastoff? Count down.

Ten, nine...

eight, seven, oxygen...

six, five, four, fuel on...

three, recording tape on...

two, one, blastoff!

Hey, man, what's going on here? Like, man, what's happening?

I made it!

-Take me to your leader. -You're really swinging.

-Where were you headed? -For the moon.

-What's playing? -Where is it?

-Where's what? -The moon?

Man, I don't know. This ain't my neighborhood.

Crazy, man. I didn't know you danced.

Both you cats will be way out if you don't get over to the colonel's office.

That's right. The big bird, the white eagle flies. He wants to see you.

Let's get with it, 'cause I'm your sergeant. Come on.

Hut, two, three, four. That's it.

Two, three, four.

Something smells like burnt feathers.

Colonel, those two soldiers are here.

I wonder what the colonel wants with us.

I don't know. Maybe he's going to make you a guided missile.

I bet it's that big job he's got for us.

The operation they kept secret till now.

Maybe they're going to send us to Moscow on a secret mission.

Or maybe to the Pentagon.

You read too many space comics. Nothing ever happens to a private.

-I'd be happy if we'd get one stripe. -I'd rather have a medal.

You'll probably get one, too. A lump with a black and blue cluster on it.

Okay, you space jockeys. Come on in here.

Now, remember, no matter what they accuse us of, we didn't do it. Capisci?

Okay, you men, the colonel's going to say something important.

Something smells like burnt chicken.

They're going to get you for impersonating an officer yet.

Quiet in the ranks.

Now, you men know why you're here.

No, of course you don't. How could you? It's top security.

But I'll be brief.

If there's anything I like, it's a brief briefing.

No shitty-shallying around or beating around the bush.

I like to set my sights on the target, take aim, and get to the point.

What's the point? Oh, yes. Top secret, and it concerns....

Sergeant, what does it concern?

Yes, that's real top secret, even I couldn't remember it.

I remember one time during the war....

-Which war, sir? -Let's see. What war is this? Never mind.

This is a mission that demands the utmost secrecy.

What I have to say is vital to this nation's very existence.

In other words....

Hey, fellows.

...and that's why it's got to be a secret.

Do you hear me?

If you're a bell, sir, you're coming in loud and clear.

The mission, sir.

Yes. Gentlemen....

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. No offense, men.

I know how touchy you enlisted men are.

But you're the backside of the army and don't you forget it.

-I've forgotten. What was I going to say? -The mission, sir.

Sergeant, why do you keep repeating that?

Let me see. Oh, yes.

Two weeks ago, men, this area was shaken...

by the worst explosion ever created by man.

A really big blast.

The United States government detonated its most powerful type nuclear bomb...

right here at Nicholson Mesa. Get the point?

It's a good one, sir.

We've been waiting two weeks, gentlemen, for radioactive dust and fallout to clear...

so that our army reconnaissance planes can cover the blast area...

and determine the extent of the nuclear devastation.

Will you stand still?

Men, those planes went in there yesterday and took aerial photographs...

and it was a holocaust.

You can see this is really a dangerous mission.

Hey, I don't think he likes me.

What do you mean? He missed you, didn't he?

The crater is 5 miles in diameter and almost one-half mile deep.

And men, you know what that means? It's a big hole.

And the photographs showed in one particular area of the crater...

what appears to be a huge cave, evidently exposed by the blast.

It has Intelligence stumped.

They want to know what it is and how it got there.

Men, they want us to find out what that cave is.

In other words, we've got to get in there and hit!

It's all right, men.

Didn't do any damage. Hit the mess hall. Up on your feet.

That brings me to your assignment.

The mission, sir.

I know you're a man of few words...

but do you have to keep using those same words over and over again?

Get an army of your own. I know what I'm doing.

What was I doing? Oh, yes, the mission.

Why didn't you think of that? What do you think I keep you around for?

Men, you've all been selected...

to go into this area and investigate that cave...

and report your findings to me.

You men have been selected...

because your specific aptitudes and training...

have made you the best-qualified men...

on this base for your particular jobs.

Wait a minute.

What's that Geiger counter reading? What kind of rhythm you getting?

Nothing, Sergeant.

What's that buzzing jazz then, hear it?

Probably that rattlesnake you're stepping on.

Oh, yeah, the snake!

I mean, like, what are you doing? Like, wow!

1 killed him.

You came on like gangbusters. He might have bit me.

You are all right.

I never killed anything before.

You saved my life. Don't that mean nothing?

They gave me a gun. I'm not a killer.

Why did it have to be this way?

I didn't even know him.

Turn it off, killer. It was only a snake. What's wrong with killing a snake?

He might have had a family.

Man, you're real people.

Come on.

Stop, please. We're entering the contaminated area.

Put your gas mask on, please.

Halt! Okay, you men, we're going inside.

Penn, Philbrick, you stay here and guard that equipment. Come on.

I thought the sergeant said to keep our gas mask on.

He can't tell me what to do during my lunch hour.

Maybe you're right.

The air's okay, Sergeant. We can take this gear off.

As I was saying, Sergeant, this is indigenous rock.

This cave has been here a long time. It definitely was not formed by the blast.

Hey, Glory!

I found something over here you ought to look at. I've never seen anything like it.

Man, what a strange looking cat. Like, it's not human.

How do you dig it?

Definitely not a man. But a humanoid, I'd say.

There's no evidence of fossilization. 7 feet tall at least.

And the skin formation seems to consist of woody tissue or bark.

He, or whatever it is, is radioactive. Must have been killed by the blast.

Yeah, but, like, where did it come from? Even my relatives don't look like that. Wow!

An extraterrestrial, perhaps?

You're right. Like, if I knew what you meant.

It's simple. I merely surmised this creature may have come from another planet.

Yeah, real simple, Prez. Only how'd it get here and dead yet?

You can have my share of any live ones you see.

Okay, men, we got to do the right thing.

We got to do the hero bit and check this jazz out.

First, we'll do the combat routine, like weapons ready and spread out, you dig?

And secondly, if you men find anything, let me in on it, ‘cause I'm the sergeant.

Okay, let's move out. Come on.

Hut, two, three, four.

That was the greatest. I don't want to be a killjoy...

but how'd you manage to get all that extra food in your Valpak?

That was easy. I left out a couple of boxes.

Boxes. What kind of boxes?

Those heavy metal ones.

Did they have dials on them, and tubes and wires on the inside?

Yeah, those were the ones.

Fine. You left the radio behind.

So who's got time to listen to the radio? Relax already.

Relax.

Cut out that snoring, will you? You're driving me crazy.

Yes, Penn.

I think I'm having a dream about the monsters. It's terrible, it's awful.

I'm having a dream about the dames and it's terrible.

What's so terrible about dreaming about dames?

In my dream, I'm strapped to a table and can't move. It's terrible.

I don't think we're dreaming. I think all this is for real.

What are we going to do?

I don't think we have much choice.

I wonder what Space Commander Connors would do in a situation like this?

I bet he'd bust these straps, capture these freaks...

take them to Washington for questioning.

Too bad you ain't Space Commander Connors.

I am Prof. Tanga. This is my assistant, Dr. Puna.

We are from the Planet Chalar in the Belfar star system...

approximately 600 million light years away.

Are there any more like you on the planet, baby?

How come you speak our language so well?

It's quite simple. We have an electrofoffilagraphalohofomatic.

What?

It's a device which transfers the knowledge of one brain...

into the proper symbols for explanation in another one.

You lost me right there, baby.

I told you, they're primitive.

Now hold on a minute. That means dumb, don't it?

That's right, daddy-o. You're a real square.

Hey, this chick is hip.

That was some of the crude expressions we assimilated...

from one of your fellow natives.

Sgt. Glory!

Well, tell us. How do you do it?

We'll demonstrate.

While I'm here you might as well give me a finger wave.

-Yeah, and give me a trim. -Quiet!

All of your thoughts, knowledge, impressions, skills, and conditioning...

both conscious and subconscious, will be transmitted through this brain machine...

into picture symbols on the screen above.

In a few minutes we can completely assimilate all the knowledge...

it took you a lifetime to acquire.

It's like a recording tape from which we can extract and edit...

only the information that we desire.

I'm not so sure I like you knowing everything I've done.

Don't flatter yourself.

We're not interested in your primitive emotions.

We're scientists.

Yeah, and all I can say, baby, you got some mighty good-looking equipment.

You will be the first.

In a few minutes, we will see what you have stored within your brain.

-That's odd, it's a blank. -I could have told you that.

There seems to be a mechanical failure. Dr. Puna, try yours.

Interesting. It's completely illogical and infantile.

Look at me.

Now tell me exactly what you're thinking. Look closely now.

Hey, what were you thinking?

Dr. Puna, remember our mission and who you are.

Just what is your mission?

We're here on your Earth as a scientific investigating team.

We've been here for 10 of your years but our work is about completed.

We would have left before, but our ship was badly damaged in landing...

and we've had to make extensive repairs.

Hey, baby, you're really out of this world.

Our planet is a small one...

and overpopulation has forced us into seeking a new world for our people.

Our duty has been to find one and discover if it could be conquered and by what means.

You'd be surprised how simple it's going to be.

I wouldn't mind being conquered by someone like you.

But tell me, how come you girls are so good-looking...

and your boyfriends so handsome or ain't they human?

We'll show you. Come along.

Keep your carrot-picking hands off me.

Hey, Philbrick, are you all right?

-Yeah, but you know something, Penn? -No, what?

That's the first time a salad ever tossed me.

You see, in our world we have a three-phase society.

The men are the warriors, the women are the technicals...

the vegimen are the slaves.

You mean to tell me those big guys are nothing but plants...

and you grow them right here in these pots?

And all these plants are nothing but men.

In physical appearance they are male, why?

I just thought you might have a tomato or two clinging on the vine somewhere.

That would be great.

You don't have a seed catalogue, do you, for chicks, babes, you know, dolls?

-Are women all you think of? -Not always.

-Good. What else? -Girls.

We brought this soil from our planet.

Vegimen used to grow wild in our world and if we had not destroyed their leaders...

and confined their growth to our pastures, they would have wiped out our culture.

With all this dirt, we could run Feineman's out of business.

They do all our menial labor, the hard work.

These guys are just like us. They're nothing but yard birds.

When they are mature, we remove them from the soil.

They're almost indestructible, but their life span is quite short.

-Can they talk? -No. They are telepathic...

so we give them orders by thought or verbal communication.

Come along, we have something else to show you.

Pull yourselves together, fellows. We'll be right back.

That is our star ship.

We're not really going to conquer your world...

we're merely saving it from itself.

At the rate your world is going...

it's going to destroy itself in another 200 or 300 years.

It would be such a waste to allow a young planet to be destroyed...

simply because its natives were too stupid to work together.

Look. We don't look at it that way.

And that part about us being slaves is no good, no good at all.

Because, first of all, we're slaves for the army now.

And that part about saving the world, that's no good either...

because we don't go for the baloney. And one more thing, one important thing:

If we ever get away from you two...

you're going to find out how strong we really are.

-Are you all right? -Yeah.

I think it would be better if we showed you how strong we are.

If those bums are so strong, why do they have to take orders from you?

If I was that strong, I'd bust out of here.

This is why.

I don't suppose I have to tell you what this ray would do to an Earth body.

I must get back to my final preparations for the trip back to our world.

Just in case you have any ideas about getting lost again...

I'll leave Dr. Puna here to guard you.

Do you have to point that gun at us?

Somehow you escaped our force field unit.

I don't intend to take any more chances.

I'd like to take a chance with you.

-How do you mean? -Hello, Operator.

If you don't know, baby, you're a real square.

"Square"?

Just my luck to meet a girl like this and she's got a gun.

You'd better be quiet. I want to think and you're disturbing me.

Well, do you mind if we talk to each other.

No, but I wouldn't consider escaping.

I'm watching you.

Likewise.

What do we talk about, the weather?

Whether we're going to get out of here or not.

I got no eyes to end up a guinea pig on some bug-eyed planet.

I've got an idea.

I'll sneak up behind her and when I get her interested, you grab.

Grab what? She's 7 feet tall.

Get up on a chair. Then when you grab her, I'll get the gun.

-Yeah, right between the eyes. -You're right. The idea's no good.

The army can't afford to lose men like me. The idea's no good.

Yes, it is.

-Why? -Because it's the only one we got.

Now you go over to her and make like Sinatra. She might like that.

-Sinatra? I can't sing. -Not that Sinatra. Irving Sinatra.

He's a good-looking butcher from my neighborhood.

-Be serious, Penn. -I am serious. I'll tell you what.

Go over to her and imitate a French movie star. She might like that.

Go ahead. Lots of luck.

Don't point that gun at me. I can't talk with it staring me in the face.

All right.

Now what do you wish to say?

Let me take you away from all this, my chérie.

You're confused. We're taking you away.

But what are you trying to say?

What I'm trying to say is I go for you.

You send me, you're cool.

Haven't you ever heard of love?

Only through the minds of you Earth people.

It puzzles me, you devote so much time to the thinking of it.

We do more than think about it.

Just what is love?

A very stupid move on your part. Not very clever.

He wasn't trying anything, honest.

He was trying to help me show you what love is.

That is love?

A part of it. He was trying to embrace you.

Embrace. Show me.

-That is embrace? -Something like that.

You mean you do it this way?

Help! Put me down! You'll break my back.

Boy, what a female wrestler you'd make.

If embrace is part of love, then it's painful, is that right?

No, it's not meant to be. Love can be pretty nice.

-Love is the way a boy feels about a girl. -Feels?

I don't want to go into that. It's when a boy likes a girl a lot.

Wants to be near her all the time, wants to be with her, wants to kiss her.

-Kiss? -That's love.

Show me.

You might break my lips.

Oh, no.

All right, but the boys in the barracks will never believe this.

First you pucker your lips. Like this.

And then I....

I better get a chair.

I'm waiting.

You asked for it.

What's going on here?

Come on, Philbrick, break it up.

Come on, you're embarrassing me.

Man, you got a secret weapon.

Your lips are going to be classified as top security.

Let's go. I think you blew out a couple of her fuses.

Snap out of it. This is our chance to get out of here before she comes to.

-What happened? -You tell me, lover. She's out like a light.

Yeah, who turned them out?

Are you okay?

Yeah. Let's go.

Come on, let's go. This is our chance to get out of here.

Yeah, we're lost again.

Know what I'll do if I ever get out of here?

It's probably ridiculous, but I'll bite. What'll you do?

I'm going to try out for the Olympics as a marathon runner.

I thought so.

There's a terrible draft in this stupid cave. I can't get my cigar lit.

-Here, try this. -Thanks.

What did you say?

I didn't say anything, honest. I only said thanks.

No, before that.

There's a terrible draft in this cave. I can't get my--

That's it. If there's a draft...

it's got to be coming from someplace and going someplace.

And not only that, it's got to be coming from the outside and going outside.

Here, give me this.

There. You see?

Now we've got to follow this flame there and that's it.

It's better than having a compass.

I'll bet that's one...

Space Commander Connors hadn't even thought of.

Imagine using a cigarette lighter as a compass.

We ought to get that idea patented. Let's go, brain.

We did it!

We did it! What did we do?

We found our way out of this cave, stupid. But come on, let's go.

I don't want to be around when they find out we're gone.

-Look. -What?

Over there.

I hope they didn't see us.

I don't know if they saw us or not, but they're coming this way.

What are we going to do?

I got an idea. I saw a trick in a cowboy picture once.

We'll pile these rocks up and when they start up the hill...

we'll roll them down on those freaks.

Okay, let's start shoving.

Hey, did you see that? Those rocks are bouncing back up here.

You're nuts. That's impossible.

It sure looks like that trick didn't work.

Yeah. In that case, there's only one thing to do.

Right.

Hurry up, Philbrick.

-Come on. Let's run. -Come here. What's the use of running?

We're only going to tire ourselves and eventually it'll catch up with us.

-What do we do? -We're going to fight them.

-We're going to fight them. -We're going to fight them?

That's right. We'll stay right here and fight them.

We can't do that. They're too big and strong for us.

Then we're going to outsmart them.

That's right. They may be bigger and stronger than us...

but they think slow and they move slow.

We're going to use our size and our minds to an advantage. See?

And our speed to an advantage. What do you think of that?

I'm not going to leave you here.

We have a better chance over there in that clearing. Come on, let's go!

Now you understand what we are going to do.

I think so.

I hope so. Here they come!

-Potato nose, come on! -Tomato head! Hey, potato nose!

Put me down, please. Hey, come on. Put me down, will you?

Stop, will you?

No! Don't, please!

Don't, please, Mr. Vegiman. Leave me alone, please?

I'll do anything you want. I'll water you every day.

I'll pull your weeds, but please leave me alone, Mr. Vegiman.

-It's you! -Penn, are you all right?

I'm all right, but in another minute, they would've clobbered us.

I don't know. I was just getting warmed up.

Listen, you know why those vegimen stopped working us over?

They were called back to the cave by those space broads by telepathy.

-You know what that means? -Yeah, we can keep on breathing.

No, dopey.

Their rocket ship is ready to take off and we have to stop them.

Good idea. You go stop them and I'll go warn the colonel.

Are you nuts? Don't you know what he'd do?

He'd think we're drunk and throw us in the guardhouse.

Not the colonel. He's smart. He'd know what to do.

Throw them in the guardhouse!

But, Colonel!

Vegetable men, space women, poppycock! What do you take me for?

Don't you answer that. And where are the rest of my men?

They're in the cave. Them space broads made zombies out of them.

Now, I've heard everything. Wait till I get my hands on that Sgt. Glory!

Where did you get that stuff you've been drinking?

We could use some of that in the officers' club.

It's much too good for you enlisted men.

- could stand a good belt right now. -But we're not drunk. I swear it, sir.

The army has got to stop that space ship before it takes off.

Not my army.

And if you weren't a private, Philbrick, I'd bust you.

The army works on logic and an officer follows regulations.

There's no way in the world you could convince me this fantastic story is true.

It is true, sir.

I swear it on my Space Commander Connors secret ring.

On your what?

On my Space Commander Connors secret ring.

That will be all, guard. You can go. I'll handle this situation myself.

Let's see your ring.

-Alpha! -Saturn!

-Rocket! -Beam!

-Castoff! -Blastoff!

Space pals to the end!

-What stellar squadron are you in? -Centurion Six.

-That's my squadron! -Then may I remind you of Section 3-4...

of Space Commander Connors' Secret Handbook for Rocket Men?

Just a minute.

Here it is.

Section 3-4.

"When assistance is asked of a fellow squadron member...

"by another of the same squadron, it is the duty of that squadron member...

"to render every aid to his brother officer till the emergency is overcome."

Then I am asking you, fellow Stellar Squadron Centurion Six officer...

for your assistance in destroying that spaceship before it destroys Earth.

But Philbrick, I--

Do I have to report your refusal to Space Commander Connors?

No, not that. My record is perfect.

-What is your rank, Stellar comrade? -I am a junior flight leader.

And I am a senior flight leader.

So you will take orders from me.

This is crazy. This is mad. What are you talking about?

Is he one of us?

Just a volunteer. But look, we're wasting time.

Prepare to blastoff to scene of emergency.

Yes, sir, Senior Flight Leader.

Attention. Forward march.

Headquarters. Col. Awol's office.

No, General, the colonel just left in his space helmet.

Space helmet?

Back!

Don't you think you're making this space commander bit go a little too far?

We're saving the world, ain't we?

Saving the world? You don't think when we get back to that cave...

that the phony ring is going to work on those space amazons?

Phony ring! That's treason. I'll have you space-martialled!

If we're supposed to be space men, how come we're acting like the infantry?

Why don't you whip us up an air taxi or flying belts or something?

-I'm getting blisters on my blisters. -You're soft, that's all.

Yeah, I'm soft, soft in the head.

Remember the Space Commander Connors creed.

"When the going gets tough and it looks like it's going to get tougher...

"that's the time to show the stuff that makes us tough...

"and show the world we're rougher.”

Do you mean to tell me they got all that on one box top?

Look, do you fellows see what I see?

They're sending cavalry to the rescue.

They're obviously Indians.

I know, but maybe they can help anyway.

Hey, kemosabe. You guys, wait a minute.

Hey, Sitting Bull, over here. I want to buy some blankets.

Let me do the talking. You might goof things up.

Our senior flight leader is not in the habit of goofing up a military situation.

For some reason, you bug me, Sergeant...

and I suggest you remember your status as a volunteer and blast down.

Okay, I was just trying to help.

Hey, look, you guys.

We need you guys to come with us very badly.

You got to come with us to help stop that rocket ship from taking off.

Do you understand what I mean?

Don't you guys know what I'm saying?

Undoubtedly some tribe that thinks the white man didn't win the west.

Thinks we were defeated with Custer.

Custer? Him, Custer!

-Now wait a minute. -I'm not Gen. Custer!

Colonel, I wouldn't say that if I were you. I think it makes them mad.

Him good kemosabe. Him good soldier. Him not Custer!

Space Commander Connors.

Oh no, here we go again!

We're space pals!

I'm Junior Flight Leader Thomas Awol...

and this is Senior Flight Leader Philbrick, our commander.

And I order you to go to the cave with us and stop that spaceship...

before it takes off and comes here to destroy the Earth.

Me, General Flight Leader...

five years.

Crazy, all of you.

Outranked by an Indian!

What do we do now?

You don't have to worry about that now. He's in command of this space circus.

General, listen to me.

They got monsters down there, heap big!

-This is ridiculous. Let's get out of here. -No.

Maybe we can still talk them into going into the cave with us.

If I hadn't worked so hard on my regular army duties...

I could have studied my space test and not be outranked by a savage.

Tut-tut, Colonel. Remember: "When the going gets tough--"

Shut up!

We go and make powwow.

Well, I don't think so. We've got....

Hiawatha, we've got to get back to that cave before it's too late.

So get on your horses and let's go. We can eat later.

Hey, you dig?

Why don't we really make this big deal?

Dig. Light them up peace pipe.

Cool, mighty warrior.

Thanks, just the same, but I think we'd better get going.

Light up.

Well, since you put it that way...

I think it would be impolite to refuse you.

Man, if that's a peace pipe, I'd hate to go to war.

We'd better humor these guys a while and when we can, make a break for it.

Good strategy, Senior Flight Leader, give the signal when you're ready to blastoff.

No, me never smoke.

No, thanks, Chief, never touch.... Love it.

Philbrick, let's go. We've got to stop those space mice from blasting off.

Okay, daddy-o, anything you say. I can lick them single-handed.

Yeah? Well, the way I feel, you might have to.

Let's get the colonel and shove off.

Crazy, man, let's go.

We'll have to take off without the brass.

I'm ready, let's go.

-You know, there's only two of us. -But there's only one spaceship.

Wait a minute. What are you taking that jug along for?

For my cold.

If you don't stop drinking, you ain't gonna be any help.

The only way I'm going to be any help is to keep drinking. Let's go.

-Come on. -All right, don't shove.

We found our way out of here, we should be able to find our way back in.

And you, you stick close, I don't want to lose you.

I'll stick so close to you, you won't know where you end and I begin.

If we can make that space ship take off without us or them dames, we'll be safe.

Philbrick, it's no use.

I guess we're cooked. We'll never get this rocket ship to take off.

I give up.

You sat on the button that sent the rocket ship up.

I sure used my head, didn't I?

You sure did. We saved the world.

We saved the world.

Do you two realize what you've done?

You've made all our work useless.

You've sent our ship into a fifth-magnitude time belt...

where there is absolutely no way to ever recover it.

When we do not return...

our leaders will undoubtedly assume that Earth could not sustain our type of life.

They will cancel all future plans for an invasion.

You two have completely wrecked our plans for conquering Earth.

And believe me...

you will pay for it!

You can't talk to us that way.

We're in the army. We don't make much money.

-We don't even have any rank. -Do not interrupt, you little rodent.

It is inconceivable to me how all of our work and our plans...

could be reduced to nothing by two such morons as you.

But you are still our prisoners.

Is there anything you would like to say before I blast you both into atoms?

Yeah, when our outfit doesn't report back to camp tomorrow...

they'll send a big regiment here to investigate.

That is enough talk.

You have saved your world, but you are finished living in it.

Are you prepared to receive your reward?

I wouldn't do that if I were you, Professor. Take her gun, my love.

She means you, little rodent.

This is treason, Dr. Puna.

I order you to blast these two immediately.

The war is over for us, Professor.

I would much rather try to make a new life for myself here, on this planet Earth.

If we remain here and are captured, we will be punished.

We are scientists sent to this world on a mission of exploration.

Now we have no way to leave...

we have no recourse but to appeal to the kindness of these two little gentlemen.

You are correct, Dr. Puna.

It's impossible to believe we've ended up like this...

prisoners, homeless.

We're at your mercy.

It might not be so bad to be prisoners of Earth men.

We might even get to like it.

Like it?

If you would, in the interest of science, you understand...

kiss an Earth man...

I think you might find our imprisonment bearable.

-Kiss? -Like this.

I'll show her, my love.

-You kiss only me or I'll embrace you good! -Yes, my dear.

Your friend can demonstrate.

Glad to oblige. Stand by for a charge, baby.

Philbrick.

Yes, Penn.

Between you and I, ain't love grand?

Between you and I, ain't love ridiculous?

-Philbrick, I think I'm sick. -Why?

Because I want to get married.

What is marriage?

That's when a boy and girl get hitched. She belong to nobody but him.

Like slaves?

Yeah, like slaves.

I think it would be a good idea marrying these girls, Penn.

-Do you know why? -Why?

They can't go home to mother.

Men, this is a proud day for Fort Nicholson.

Two of the men from our outfit are going to be awarded decorations...

for service above and beyond the call of duty.

When these two men first walked into my office, I knew they had something.

They made a lasting impression on me.

I had enough faith in them to send them on a special mission.

And, men, they came through in typical army style.

With great cunning and resourcefulness...

these two men wiped out...

a group of vegetable-type creatures from another world...

who had landed on our planet and were planning its eventual conquest...

thereby saving us from an inter-planetary war.

At this time, I would like to present Gen. Rank...

who flew in from Washington to make the presentation.

General.

Sgts Philbrick and Penn, front and center.

Sgts Philbrick and Penn, it gives me great pleasure to present you men...

with the Army Medal of Honor for your dogged perseverance...

and your selfless sense of duty in the face of fantastic odds.

The army needs more men like you two.

-Good luck, men. -Thank you, sir.

-Alpha. -Saturn.

-Rocket. -Beam.

-Castoff. -Blastoff.

Space pals to the end!

All companies dismissed!