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1
00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:07,616
Jessica, our son isvaledictorian of Harvard.
2
00:00:07,659 --> 00:00:08,791
Crazy.
3
00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,053
Louis, pipe down.
4
00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:12,490
I gave you one rule
for today, remember?
5
00:00:12,534 --> 00:00:14,275
Don't talkin a wicked Boston accent
6
00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:15,189
to order lobster chowder?
7
00:00:15,232 --> 00:00:16,886
Okay, fine.
Two rules.
8
00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:19,584
And it's not crazy
he's up there.
9
00:00:19,628 --> 00:00:21,804
He's always shown
signs of greatness.
10
00:00:21,847 --> 00:00:24,459
Breakfast is served, suckas.
11
00:00:24,502 --> 00:00:27,940
Boom. A literal food pyramid
made from all 10 food groups.
12
00:00:27,984 --> 00:00:29,638
Frozen fish sticks
form the base,
13
00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,379
so give her a sec to thaw
before diving in.
14
00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:33,685
10 food groups?Why is it moving?
15
00:00:33,729 --> 00:00:36,471
I still can't believe
you got a 1500 on your SAT.
16
00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:38,168
I still can't believeyou haven't told Mom yet.
17
00:00:38,212 --> 00:00:39,474
Boys, think.
18
00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:41,476
I'm a high-school junior
who doesn't listen well.
19
00:00:41,519 --> 00:00:43,043
Fair.Cautiously following.
20
00:00:43,086 --> 00:00:44,566
I'll tell Mom my score
21
00:00:44,609 --> 00:00:46,437
when I really need
a get-out-of-jail-free card,
22
00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:48,700
like, for example,
I'm in jail.
23
00:00:48,744 --> 00:00:50,746
Yeah.Eddie, clean up the mess
you made in the kitchen.
24
00:00:50,789 --> 00:00:52,835
I got a 1500
on my SATs.
25
00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:54,271
What?!
Wow.
26
00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:57,057
Eddie, I can't believe it!
27
00:00:58,319 --> 00:01:00,190
I did it.
28
00:01:00,234 --> 00:01:02,279
--Captions by VITAC--
29
00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:03,585
♪ Fresh off the boat
30
00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:05,413
♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go ♪
31
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,502
♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪
32
00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:08,938
♪ Fresh off the boat
33
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:11,201
♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪
34
00:01:11,245 --> 00:01:12,637
♪ But I know where I'm goin'
35
00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:15,205
♪ I'm fresh off the boat
36
00:01:16,554 --> 00:01:19,731
You really got a 1500
on the SAT?
37
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:21,951
Yep. A 750 on
the verbal and...
38
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:23,518
whatever's left in math.
39
00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:25,389
Amazing.
I'm so proud of you.
40
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:26,260
Thank you.
41
00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:27,913
See, Louis?
42
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:31,308
Me pushing Eddie all these years
is finally paying off.
43
00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:33,528
Top-tier colleges
are back in play.
44
00:01:33,571 --> 00:01:34,659
The football teams
get worse,
45
00:01:34,703 --> 00:01:36,226
but the starting salaries
skyrocket.
46
00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:38,054
You did fill in the oval
47
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,187
letting schools get
your test scores, right?
48
00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:43,494
I filled in every oval I saw --you know, better my chances.
49
00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:44,887
1500, ladies and germs.
50
00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:47,107
1-5-0-0.
51
00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:48,195
Well, I better clean
my pyramid mess.
52
00:01:48,238 --> 00:01:49,935
No, no, no.
You stay.
53
00:01:49,979 --> 00:01:51,111
You deserve to rest.
54
00:01:53,069 --> 00:01:54,940
I'll do the dishes.
What the heck.
55
00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:57,247
Maybe I'll even reconnect
the dishwasher.
56
00:02:02,252 --> 00:02:03,819
Was that a hug?
57
00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,690
I've never seen your mother
this happy.
58
00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:07,388
That includes
our wedding day,
59
00:02:07,431 --> 00:02:08,824
but definitely
not our wedding night.
60
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,217
We went for it.
61
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:11,218
Gross.
62
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:12,958
I don't trust this.
63
00:02:13,002 --> 00:02:14,743
It's like when a stranger offersyou candy to get in their van.
64
00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,962
I mean, you take it --
free candy --
65
00:02:17,006 --> 00:02:18,268
but it never ends well.
66
00:02:18,312 --> 00:02:19,356
Please tell me
you've never gotten in
67
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:20,357
a stranger's van before.
68
00:02:20,401 --> 00:02:22,359
Eddie, your mom
69
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:23,708
doesn't get to
experience pure joy often.
70
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,928
She refuses to watch
"Police Academy,"
71
00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:28,670
doesn't "get dogs,"
calls Weird Al a hack.
72
00:02:28,713 --> 00:02:29,758
Let her have this.
73
00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:31,803
Eddie,
forget the kitchen.
74
00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:33,370
We're going out
to celebrate!
75
00:02:33,414 --> 00:02:36,243
Cele-what?
Girl, I got school.
76
00:02:36,286 --> 00:02:38,375
Not today.
School can wait.
77
00:02:41,291 --> 00:02:43,554
Dibs on the first
dishwasher load.
78
00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:48,429
♪ Baby, I got your money
79
00:02:48,472 --> 00:02:50,344
♪ Hey, Dirty
80
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:54,261
♪ Baby, I got your money,
don't you worry ♪
81
00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:56,611
♪ I said hey, Dirty
82
00:02:56,654 --> 00:02:58,656
♪ Baby, I got your money
83
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:01,268
♪ Hey, Dirty
84
00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:03,400
♪ Dance if you caught up in
the Holy Ghost trance ♪
85
00:03:03,444 --> 00:03:05,489
♪ If you stop, I'm-a putthe killer ants in your pants ♪
86
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,839
♪ I'm the ODB, as you can see
87
00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:10,320
♪ I'm just Dirt Dog trying
to make some money ♪
88
00:03:10,364 --> 00:03:12,757
♪ So give me my streaks
and give me my honey ♪
89
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,411
♪ None of you, nuh,
better look at me funny ♪
90
00:03:14,455 --> 00:03:17,284
♪ Nuh, you know my name,
now gimme my money ♪
91
00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:18,589
♪ Hey
92
00:03:18,633 --> 00:03:20,765
Man, I look like
"Boyz n the Hood" Ice Cube,
93
00:03:20,809 --> 00:03:21,418
Asian-boy edition.
94
00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:23,246
Dope.
95
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:24,726
Motherand oval-filling son.
96
00:03:24,769 --> 00:03:25,857
This stays here.
97
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:27,032
I don't wantyour Ivy League roommates
98
00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:29,557
drooling overyour mother's flawless skin.
99
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,341
I don't know
about the Ivy League.
100
00:03:31,385 --> 00:03:34,518
I do!
That 1500 changed the game.
101
00:03:34,562 --> 00:03:36,172
We need to update
your life-chart.
102
00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:39,915
Evan has dibs
on president,
103
00:03:39,958 --> 00:03:41,264
but we can Kennedy
this thing,
104
00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:42,657
and you could be
his attorney general.
105
00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:45,573
Emery can be the drunk
with the square head.
106
00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:51,492
Oh, no.
107
00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:54,146
Mom wrote "A Case of a Knife tothe Brain 2: The Second Knife"?
108
00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:55,974
I'm penning my memoir.
109
00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:57,672
I want to get
my life story down
110
00:03:57,715 --> 00:04:00,152
before things get intensein high school.
111
00:04:00,196 --> 00:04:02,851
It'll be way less intense
if you keep that to yourself.
112
00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,287
I can't be America's firstDoctor-President
113
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:05,462
without publishing
a memoir.
114
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:06,855
I even mocked up a cover.
115
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,902
I'll update the photowhen I'm old enough to run,
116
00:04:10,946 --> 00:04:12,077
maybe grow some stubblefor the ladies --
117
00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:13,253
crucial demo.
118
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:14,819
Cool.
119
00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:16,299
I've outlined
my next chapter --
120
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:18,388
"Evan Huang,HOA Vice President."
121
00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:27,571
Matthew: How do you think
this guy went out?
122
00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:29,007
Big-game hunter,
123
00:04:29,051 --> 00:04:31,358
or stepped in front
of the wrong logging truck?
124
00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:33,577
Pushing that much girth
around the woods?
125
00:04:33,621 --> 00:04:34,361
Heart disease all day.
126
00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:36,232
Hey!
127
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,147
Mom liftedher bumper-sticker ban.
128
00:04:38,190 --> 00:04:41,585
She wants you to put this onthe Cattleman's delivery car.
Eddie: Great.
129
00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:43,413
That's what you want on your
bumper during rush hour.
130
00:04:43,457 --> 00:04:44,458
Very rear-end-able.
131
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:47,635
You have a minute
to talk?
132
00:04:47,678 --> 00:04:48,810
Boss Talk or Dad Talk?
133
00:04:48,853 --> 00:04:49,811
Dad Talk.
134
00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:51,291
Okay.
135
00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:54,598
It's me, Dad.
What's up?
136
00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:56,121
So, I've been thinkinga lot about college
137
00:04:56,165 --> 00:04:57,253
ever since our UCLA trip.
138
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,341
Great trip.
139
00:04:58,385 --> 00:04:59,516
Great trip,
140
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,344
but I don't think I wanta regular school.
141
00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:04,826
I want to go to
culinary school.
142
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,654
Culinary school?
143
00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:09,004
Like for cooking.I know what it means --
sorta.
144
00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:11,006
This is big, Eddie.
145
00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:12,703
I know you're working
at the restaurant with me,
146
00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:14,879
but I didn't realize you were
that passionate about this.
147
00:05:14,923 --> 00:05:17,317
I didn't either,until it dawned on me
148
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,362
the thing I always getexcited about is food...
149
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:35,465
...creating it,cooking it, eating it.
150
00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:36,727
I love food, Dad!
151
00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:38,990
I love food, too, son.
152
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:40,905
I love food, too.
153
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:42,559
You're following
in my footsteps.
154
00:05:42,603 --> 00:05:44,605
Uh, my restaurant footsteps,
155
00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:46,650
not my Cha Cha King of Taipei
footsteps.
156
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:48,130
Ain't nobody
following those.
157
00:05:48,173 --> 00:05:49,958
Well, I'm glad you're opento culinary school.
158
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:51,133
Ma won't be.
159
00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:52,482
Yeah.
160
00:05:52,526 --> 00:05:54,136
No way she had this
on my life-chart.
161
00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:57,052
Hey, why don't you
make her a meal,
162
00:05:57,095 --> 00:05:58,662
show her your stuff,
163
00:05:58,706 --> 00:06:00,795
and then we can talk about
culinary school together?
164
00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,579
Yeah, that'd be sick!
165
00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:10,457
"Evan Huang for HOA
Vice President:
166
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,459
One Deidre Heartbeat Away."
167
00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:14,286
You said you worked
as a mall elf
168
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:16,680
to "help
my needy brothers"?
169
00:06:16,724 --> 00:06:18,508
Iworked as a mall elf
to help you!
170
00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:19,901
Uh, time out.
171
00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:21,293
You read my memoir?
172
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:22,643
Please tell me you wore
the document gloves
173
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:23,687
sitting next to it.
174
00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:25,559
You stole my story.
You lied!
175
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,127
I'm just giving readers
what they want -- a hero.
176
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:30,520
Who cares about
the details?
177
00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:31,565
I do.
178
00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:33,393
You can't be presidentif you lie.
179
00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:34,524
It's un-American.
180
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:36,961
Calling the first
Asian President un-American?
181
00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:39,181
Pretty racist.
182
00:06:44,055 --> 00:06:45,883
This is amazing.
183
00:06:45,927 --> 00:06:48,625
Your mom will have toconsider culinary school.
184
00:06:48,669 --> 00:06:50,061
Each dish is inspired
by her --
185
00:06:50,105 --> 00:06:52,542
Anti-Hobo Stew,
Chicken a la Stephen King,
186
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:54,239
Aw Hell Gnocchi.
187
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,720
I was out at the mailbox,
188
00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:57,765
and I saw Deidre
in the window.
189
00:06:57,808 --> 00:07:00,594
Dummy took 20 minutes
to notice my sweatshirt.
190
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,512
What's all this?Oh, I made dinner for you.
191
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:06,861
Why?
192
00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:08,776
Oh, you put a baby
in that redhead, didn't you?
193
00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:10,299
Jessica!
Whoa!
194
00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:11,387
No.
195
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,519
I just wanted
to say thank you
196
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:13,737
for everything
you've done for me.
197
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:15,260
Aww!
198
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:17,567
You got a 1500
andyou cook.
199
00:07:17,611 --> 00:07:20,570
You are going to make some womanI choose a great husband.
200
00:07:20,614 --> 00:07:22,572
So, Mom,I was hoping we could talk.
201
00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:24,095
Sure.
202
00:07:24,139 --> 00:07:25,880
What did you want to --
203
00:07:25,923 --> 00:07:27,316
Eddie got a letter
from Harvard.
204
00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:28,317
I'll open it so you don't
cut your test fingers.
205
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,232
Okay with you?
Great!
206
00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:31,755
Aah!
207
00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:34,366
"Dear Edwyn Huang,
208
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:36,151
we received your SAT scores
209
00:07:36,194 --> 00:07:37,805
and want to schedule
an interview
210
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:39,502
with one of our alumni"?
211
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:49,033
Ah!
212
00:07:49,077 --> 00:07:51,296
Harvard wants to send an alum
here to my house
213
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:54,082
to interview Eddie,
my son.
214
00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:55,910
Louis: No chance they send
Bill Gates, right?
215
00:07:55,953 --> 00:07:58,695
Because I still can't get
the printer to do landscape.
216
00:07:58,739 --> 00:08:00,741
I got to get moving.
I got to call Connie to gloat.
217
00:08:00,784 --> 00:08:02,699
I got to redecorate the house
to Ivy League standards,
218
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:04,440
polish the fine china.
219
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,529
Fun fact --
that's my bowling nickname.
220
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:10,925
Dad, I want to go
to culinary school.
221
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,361
Do I really have to do
this interview?
222
00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:13,580
It'd just be
a waste of time.
223
00:08:13,623 --> 00:08:14,537
Not for your mom.
224
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,844
Ho, ho, ho!
225
00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:17,758
Not a "yo mama" joke.
Sorry.
226
00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:19,760
Eddie, she's worked hard
227
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,022
your whole lifeto give you this opportunity.
228
00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:24,721
Just let her have this,and then we can talkto her about culinary.
229
00:08:24,765 --> 00:08:27,202
Fine.
I'll do it -- for her.
230
00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:28,464
Good.
231
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,726
And if,for whatever reason,
232
00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:31,162
cooking school
doesn't pan out...
233
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:32,773
Pan out. Nice.
234
00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:34,078
...Harvard is not
the worst backup.
235
00:08:34,122 --> 00:08:35,819
Speak for yourself.
236
00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,734
I ain't built for those
Pennsylvania winters.
237
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:40,432
No, Harvard is...
Yeah.
238
00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:44,698
Aah!
Ahh.
239
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:45,829
Pay up, Barbie.
240
00:08:47,439 --> 00:08:48,919
Hey, why are you so quiet there,Emory, huh?
241
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,747
Those freshman girls
got your tongue?
242
00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:52,183
Evan's writing a memoir,
243
00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:54,316
and he's stealing stories,making things up.
244
00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:55,665
Well,
he's just spinning yarns
245
00:08:55,709 --> 00:08:57,841
like we used to do
in the Navy -- harmless.
246
00:08:57,885 --> 00:08:59,713
Not like those dirty Marines.
247
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:00,844
They're actual liars.
248
00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:02,585
N-- O-kay.
You can g--
249
00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,195
Emery, your brother'sin eighth grade.
250
00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:05,719
That's a tough time.
251
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:09,331
He's probably justtooting his own horn.Yeah.
252
00:09:09,374 --> 00:09:10,375
Maybe I am overreacting.
253
00:09:10,419 --> 00:09:11,812
I'm glad you guys
think it's okay
254
00:09:11,855 --> 00:09:12,856
since you're all
in his memoir, too.
255
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:14,597
We are?
Yeah?
Yeah.
256
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:16,730
You should see how
he described Liza's birth.
257
00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:20,081
Oh, Marvin!
Where are the keys?
258
00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:22,387
This baby is coming!I can't find 'em!
259
00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:25,216
Oh, this is all too much,even for a Navy man.
260
00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:27,131
Oh, no.
261
00:09:27,175 --> 00:09:30,308
Ohh. I'm fainting.
262
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:33,964
Oh, who could blame you?
263
00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:37,533
There's not a man alive who canhandle this kind of pressure.
264
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:40,580
I will deliver the baby.
265
00:09:43,365 --> 00:09:45,149
Honey, give me
two deep breaths.
266
00:09:45,193 --> 00:09:48,196
1, 2...
267
00:09:49,893 --> 00:09:51,982
There she is.
268
00:09:52,026 --> 00:09:54,637
We'll call her Liza.
269
00:09:57,858 --> 00:09:59,555
I had a 17-hour labor
270
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,949
with a rare diagonal breach,no epidural,
271
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:03,820
and that nerd is trying totake it away from me?
272
00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:05,822
I warned Evan,
but he didn't listen.
273
00:10:05,866 --> 00:10:06,780
He's stubborn.
274
00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:09,521
That's why he'll be
a good politician.
275
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:11,132
He only cares
about the votes.
276
00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:13,482
And Navy men don't faint!
277
00:10:13,525 --> 00:10:16,137
They pass out
and hit the ground hard
278
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:19,270
with their pants off and
their shoes on, like men.
279
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:25,842
Why does our house looklike a Vermont B&B
280
00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:27,844
inside a whaling ship?
281
00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:30,151
I want Harvard to feel at home
for Eddie's interview.
282
00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:32,196
The theme is
"New England Snoot."Smart.
283
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:33,720
Eddie: Ma,
284
00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:34,982
do I really have
to wear all this?
285
00:10:35,025 --> 00:10:36,592
I mean, look at me.
286
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,333
I want to kick my ass.Eddie, you look great --
287
00:10:38,376 --> 00:10:41,945
like a hip1970s IBM executive.
288
00:10:42,990 --> 00:10:44,687
Places.
Places, everyone.
289
00:10:47,124 --> 00:10:48,996
Together:
Afta-noon!
290
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:51,825
Hello.
That wasn't creepy at all.
291
00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:53,043
Andy Richter?
292
00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:54,741
You know this intelligent man?
293
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:57,047
Oh, he's the co-host of"Late Night with Conan O'Brien."
294
00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:59,702
The talk show?I understand zero
of those words.
295
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:00,790
Yeah, it's a great job.
296
00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:03,575
I sit on the couch
and laugh at Conan's jokes.
297
00:11:03,619 --> 00:11:05,012
Hey, me too.
298
00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:06,274
Alright, look,
it's not that easy, okay?
299
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:09,059
I mean, there's...lights
and stuff.
300
00:11:09,103 --> 00:11:10,408
So, Andy,you're a Harvard alum?
301
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:12,802
Oh, God, no.
My name is Andy. Come on.
302
00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,804
No, but Conan is,
303
00:11:14,848 --> 00:11:16,501
and sometimes he does
interviews for them,
304
00:11:16,545 --> 00:11:19,243
and then he asks me to do
the interviews for him.
305
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:20,897
Mm. I like this Conan.
306
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:22,769
Eh, everybody does.
He's Conan.
307
00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:25,859
He's tall, he's handsome,
he signs my checks.
308
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,991
So, uh,can I get you anything?
309
00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:29,253
Tea?
Something to eat?
310
00:11:29,297 --> 00:11:31,691
My "Simpsons" spec scriptto give to Conan?
311
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:34,302
Uh, no, it's alright.
I'll just talk to Eddie.Okay.
312
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:35,825
And you know what?
I will have something to eat.
313
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:38,567
And drink.
314
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,961
Evan, thank you for
the block-party update.
315
00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:42,571
My pleasure.
316
00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:44,878
Gonna be a scorcher out there,
so sunscreen up, girls.
317
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:45,922
Up next
318
00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:47,924
are elections
for HOA Vice President.
319
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:50,274
Any nominations?
320
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:52,799
Uh, I nominate
Emery Huang.
321
00:11:54,278 --> 00:11:57,107
I accept.
322
00:11:57,151 --> 00:11:58,674
For those who don't know me,
I'm a spelling-bee champ,
323
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:02,330
writing a memoir,
and love a tucked-in polo!
324
00:12:02,373 --> 00:12:04,027
Those are my credentials.
325
00:12:04,071 --> 00:12:05,159
Just giving people
what they want.
326
00:12:05,202 --> 00:12:06,856
It takes a lot of marbles
327
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:09,076
to sideswipe the guy
holding a wooden hammer.
328
00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:10,555
-Ooh!
329
00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:12,906
Whoa, Eddie.
You really nailed the SATs.
330
00:12:12,949 --> 00:12:14,255
What was that like?
331
00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:16,736
Tough.I filled in so many ovals,
332
00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:19,173
I didn't have the strengthto zip up my pants for a week.
333
00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:21,131
Well, zippers
are complicated.
334
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:23,307
I think the Amish are ahead
of the curve on that one.
335
00:12:23,351 --> 00:12:24,569
Jessica: Oh, don't mind me.
336
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:27,050
Just taking Eddie's cello
to the conservatory.
337
00:12:28,617 --> 00:12:31,620
Ooh! Cello --
the man's violin.
338
00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:34,405
Well, actually,I'm more of a beatboxer.
339
00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:36,320
No kidding!
Let 'er rip.
340
00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:41,935
♪ Ah-booty, booty, booty jam
341
00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:43,588
No, no, over here,
ignore that now!
342
00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:44,459
Eddie's telescope.
343
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:46,853
Houston, we have a genius.
344
00:12:46,896 --> 00:12:50,117
Gosh, maybe it would be easier
if I just interviewed you.
345
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,859
Great idea.
346
00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:54,469
Well, uh, Eddie,
do you have any questions
347
00:12:54,512 --> 00:12:56,514
for me, for Conan,
for Harvard?
348
00:12:56,558 --> 00:12:58,081
Yes.
349
00:12:58,125 --> 00:12:59,169
How hard will
they make him work?
350
00:12:59,213 --> 00:13:00,867
Eddie loves hard work.
351
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,869
Huh?
Huh.
352
00:13:02,912 --> 00:13:04,044
Well, he didn't at first.
353
00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:06,220
I've always had to
push him to succeed.
354
00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:10,528
Eddie, focus!
355
00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:12,530
Aah!
Where's my bed?!
356
00:13:12,574 --> 00:13:14,054
Beds are for people
who work hard.
357
00:13:14,097 --> 00:13:16,883
Recommit yourself to school
and hard work,
358
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:18,058
you get your bed back.
359
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:19,015
Mom?
360
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:20,408
For the next
three months
361
00:13:20,451 --> 00:13:21,844
while I'm busy
studying for grad school,
362
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:25,021
you will be by my side
PSAT prepping.
363
00:13:25,065 --> 00:13:26,327
Study buddies.
364
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,459
Wow. You've really
done a lot for Eddie.
365
00:13:28,503 --> 00:13:31,027
I drive my boys
to be the best.
366
00:13:31,071 --> 00:13:32,855
Jessica don't raise
mediocre.
367
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:35,118
That's actually
very helpful to hear.
368
00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:36,685
Yes,
that's why I said it.
369
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:39,427
Alright, well, uh,
I've got to get going.
370
00:13:39,470 --> 00:13:43,866
"Conan" has another interview
in Daytona Beach.
371
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,433
Uh, hey, Andy.
372
00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:47,609
Uh, complimentary
basket of oranges.
373
00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:49,872
My "Simpsons" spec scriptis on the bottom.
374
00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:51,221
Homer takes Lisa square dancingand then loses her.
375
00:13:51,265 --> 00:13:53,702
It's called "Do-Si-D'oh!"
376
00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:55,617
Yeah, perfect.
377
00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:57,619
They're always hungry for ideasfrom the random public.
378
00:13:57,662 --> 00:13:59,621
Really? That's great.
379
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:03,059
Mm.
380
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:05,845
So, what did you think of Eddie?What will you tell the school?
381
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:08,586
Should I preorder
my license plate for him now?
382
00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:11,894
Okay, look, I've done
a lot of these things,
383
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:14,418
and Harvard is not
gonna be a fit.
384
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:15,985
What?
385
00:14:16,029 --> 00:14:18,945
Oh, it was his
mouth-rapping, wasn't it?
386
00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:20,250
Oh, no, no,
that was excellent --
387
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:22,426
I mean,
Michael Winslow-nian.
388
00:14:22,470 --> 00:14:26,691
No, i-it's not so much Eddie
as it is you.
389
00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:28,041
Me?
390
00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:31,305
Yeah, you're a bit of
a helicopter mom,
391
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:35,787
and Harvard's found that, when
a parent is so...invested
392
00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:38,007
that the kid tends to fizzle out
393
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:39,269
once they're finally
on their own.
394
00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:41,793
Eh, helicopter mom,
that's not me.
395
00:14:41,837 --> 00:14:43,143
Hey, who put this in my room?
396
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,888
Well,
thanks for the oranges.
397
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:56,417
Eddie can't go to Harvard
because of me.
398
00:14:59,811 --> 00:15:02,945
Jessica.
I pushed you
your whole life
399
00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:04,686
for a school like Harvard,
but I pushed too hard.
400
00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:06,731
I failed you.
What?
401
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:08,037
No, I wasn't thatbig on Harvard anyways.
402
00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:10,170
I mean, their mascot's
a friggin' color.
403
00:15:10,213 --> 00:15:11,867
Well, I guess there are
other top schools.
404
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,087
Why, it is the Ivy League
after all.
405
00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:15,523
Or there are
other options.
406
00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:17,655
Okay, new plan!
407
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:18,961
We go to the schools
to interview.
408
00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:20,397
We ambush them.
409
00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:22,008
I'll find
the admissions director,
410
00:15:22,051 --> 00:15:24,097
tell him that if he doesn't
accept Eddie,
411
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:25,489
it's time
for some smacks --
412
00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:28,144
hitting smacks,
not kissing smacks.
413
00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:29,972
Ma, you don't have to
do that.
414
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:33,149
Of course I do.
I ruined Harvard!
415
00:15:33,193 --> 00:15:35,412
You didn't ruin it,
because I didn't want
to go to college.
416
00:15:35,456 --> 00:15:37,501
I want to go to
culinary school.
417
00:15:42,811 --> 00:15:45,335
Then I guess I really did
fail you as a mother.
418
00:15:50,427 --> 00:15:52,342
Okay.
I'll tally the votes.
419
00:15:52,386 --> 00:15:55,389
Hey, dingbat.
What the "H" was that?
420
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:57,043
You took credit
for my success,
421
00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:59,262
plucked my feathers
for your cap.
422
00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:00,394
I was just proving a point.
423
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:02,004
Well,
this isn't a joke, kid.
424
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:05,051
This is the doggone
HOA Vice Presidency!
Mm.
425
00:16:05,094 --> 00:16:07,444
Doesn't feel so goodwhen someone stealsyour story, does it?
426
00:16:07,488 --> 00:16:09,969
The dark underbelly
of plagiarism.
427
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:15,017
Evan, you saw how
everyone reacted
428
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:16,192
when I shared your story.
429
00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:17,193
It's powerful enoughon its own.
430
00:16:17,237 --> 00:16:19,195
When you get to
high school,
431
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:21,284
the operating room,
the oval office...
432
00:16:21,328 --> 00:16:23,983
you don't need to be anythingother than who you are.
433
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:25,201
I love that guy.
434
00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:28,335
Alright, y'all.
435
00:16:28,378 --> 00:16:30,032
Congrats to the new
Vice President,
436
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:31,991
Emery Huang!
437
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:33,993
This -- This is why
438
00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:36,038
we need to do away
with the popular vote.
439
00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:47,484
Here's the thing, kids,
but I've taken this sucker
440
00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:50,574
to 150 miles an hour
on a residential street.
441
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,489
Matthew: Taking the ranchon the road.
442
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:54,796
Brings me back to
my Dolly days --
443
00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:57,146
minus the groupies
and the wigs.
444
00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:58,539
Oh, you worked
at Dollywood?
445
00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:00,019
I wasn't sure, because
you haven't mentioned it
446
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,716
since yesterday.
447
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,372
Yo, Pops.Ma's not doing so well.
448
00:17:05,415 --> 00:17:08,070
Louis: Oh, yowza.
Mac and cheese?
449
00:17:08,114 --> 00:17:09,332
And we're out of LACTAID.
450
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:10,986
This is my fault.
451
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,205
I shouldn't have pushed you
to do that interview.
452
00:17:12,248 --> 00:17:13,423
No, it's my bad.
453
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:15,643
I knew she'd hate
culinary school,
454
00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:19,125
but I thoughtshe'd be mad, not sad.
455
00:17:19,168 --> 00:17:20,300
I broke Mom.
456
00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:22,606
Meatball: Okay, everybody.
457
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:25,087
Let's keep that energy going
for Jessica Huang,
458
00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:26,697
who's singing next.
459
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:33,487
♪ Listen as your day unfolds
460
00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:36,229
♪ Challenge what
the future holds ♪
461
00:17:36,272 --> 00:17:40,581
♪ Try and keep your head
up to the sky ♪
462
00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:42,104
Oof. I heard
Harvard's out.♪ Lovers, they may
cause you tears ♪
463
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:44,280
Yeah, well, Andy Richter
called her a bad mom.
464
00:17:44,324 --> 00:17:46,500
♪ Go ahead,
release your fears ♪
465
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:47,631
Aw, hell no.♪ Show up and be counted
466
00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:51,461
♪ Don't be ashamed
to cry ♪
467
00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:54,116
♪ Herald what
your mother said ♪
468
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,727
♪ Read the books
your father read ♪
469
00:17:56,771 --> 00:18:02,255
♪ Try to solve your puzzles
in your own sweet time ♪
470
00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:05,084
♪ You gotta be bad,
you gotta be bold ♪
471
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:07,434
♪ You gotta be wiser
472
00:18:07,477 --> 00:18:09,479
♪ You gotta be hard,
you gotta be tough ♪
473
00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:12,482
♪ You gotta be stronger
474
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:15,181
♪ You gotta be cool,
you gotta be calm ♪
475
00:18:15,224 --> 00:18:17,270
♪ You gotta stay together
476
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:22,188
♪ All I know, all I know,
love will save the day ♪
477
00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:24,190
♪ Time asks no questions
478
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:27,149
♪ It goes on without you
479
00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:28,716
♪ Leaving you behind
480
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:32,328
If you try to suspend our son
because of this,
481
00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:34,765
we will sue everyone
in this school.
482
00:18:34,809 --> 00:18:37,290
♪ You can't stop it
if you try to ♪
483
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,161
♪ The best part is danger...
484
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:40,467
If Oscar Chow
hadn't dumped me,
485
00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:42,382
I never would have met
your father.
486
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:43,426
I wouldn't be here.
487
00:18:43,470 --> 00:18:45,428
And that would be tragic.
488
00:18:45,472 --> 00:18:48,127
♪ You gotta be bad,
you gotta be bold ♪
489
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:50,216
♪ You gotta be wiser
490
00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:53,436
♪ You gotta be hard,
you gotta be tough ♪
491
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,873
♪ You gotta be stronger
492
00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:59,442
♪ All I know, all I know,
love will save the day ♪
493
00:19:06,057 --> 00:19:08,364
Okay, I hope you're not
wearing synthetic fibers,
494
00:19:08,408 --> 00:19:10,714
'cause they're about to set
the dance floor on fire.
495
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:12,499
It's Honey and Marvin.
496
00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:17,199
♪ You see a faded sign
by the side of the road ♪
497
00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:19,332
♪ That says 15 miles
to the ♪
498
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:22,726
♪ Love shack!
499
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:25,816
Eddie, you didn't
need to do that.
Yes, I did.
500
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:28,297
Think about all the times
you've swooped in to save me.
501
00:19:28,341 --> 00:19:30,125
You've always
been there for me.
502
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,213
You're the best mom ever.
503
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:33,259
I'm not terrible?
504
00:19:33,302 --> 00:19:35,348
Sure, you pushed me --
a lot.
505
00:19:35,391 --> 00:19:37,480
Like, I'm probably gonna
have to go talk it through
506
00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:39,003
with a professional
at some point,
507
00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:40,396
but I'm glad you did,
508
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,050
because it taught me
to fight for what I want.
509
00:19:42,093 --> 00:19:43,225
Dirty if you have to.
510
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:46,359
I know it's not
what you planned,
511
00:19:46,402 --> 00:19:49,275
but I want to go
to culinary school.
512
00:19:49,318 --> 00:19:54,062
And I just wantwhat's best for you.
513
00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:55,281
That's all I ever wanted.
514
00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:57,718
I know,
but I'm not gonna quit.
515
00:19:57,761 --> 00:20:01,069
I'm never gonna quit,because I'm Jessica Huang's kid.
516
00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:06,901
Marvin: You're what?
517
00:20:06,944 --> 00:20:09,208
Tiiiiin roof!
518
00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:11,253
Oh.
Rusted!
519
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:16,345
Amazing duet yesterday.
520
00:20:16,389 --> 00:20:18,478
I would've joined in,but Chestnut threw
521
00:20:18,521 --> 00:20:20,741
a piping-hot potato wedgeat Trent.
Good.
522
00:20:20,784 --> 00:20:22,395
You do that thing
where you cup your ear,
523
00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:23,439
but it's still pitchy.
524
00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:25,093
Uh, it's called
harmonizing?
525
00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:26,486
Look, about Eddie.
526
00:20:26,529 --> 00:20:28,488
I know we always wantedhim to go to college,
527
00:20:28,531 --> 00:20:30,664
but he has his own dreams.
528
00:20:30,707 --> 00:20:33,101
Louis, we worked so hard
to get him here.
529
00:20:33,144 --> 00:20:35,408
He has a golden
opportunity.
530
00:20:35,451 --> 00:20:37,584
I don't want him
to throw it all away.
531
00:20:37,627 --> 00:20:40,587
Well, you know, we werehis age when we left Taiwan,
532
00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:42,023
and isn't this why,
533
00:20:42,066 --> 00:20:43,938
so our kids could pursuetheir own dreams?
534
00:20:46,506 --> 00:20:49,422
How am I so bad at fakeskateboarding and you're a god?
535
00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:50,988
You got slow thumbs,
Eddie.
536
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:55,384
Tina, can you
give us a minute?
537
00:20:55,428 --> 00:20:57,473
You got it, Jess.
538
00:20:57,517 --> 00:20:58,474
Still weird.
539
00:21:01,477 --> 00:21:03,523
So, are you still into this
whole cooking-school thing?
540
00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:05,220
Yeah.
541
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,048
Okay, fine. You can go.
542
00:21:07,091 --> 00:21:08,441
Really?!
543
00:21:08,484 --> 00:21:09,529
That's it?
544
00:21:09,572 --> 00:21:11,270
No one's going
to stop my son
545
00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:14,142
from getting what he wants,
not even me.
546
00:21:14,185 --> 00:21:17,580
But you are going
to the top one.
547
00:21:17,624 --> 00:21:19,582
Really, Mom?
548
00:21:19,626 --> 00:21:20,757
Another life-chart?
549
00:21:20,801 --> 00:21:23,020
This one...
550
00:21:23,064 --> 00:21:24,674
you fill out yourself.
551
00:21:24,718 --> 00:21:27,068
I'd use a pencil, son.
552
00:21:27,111 --> 00:21:28,852
You never know.
Things can change.
553
00:21:28,896 --> 00:21:31,464
And I reserve the right tocorrect whatever you get wrong.
554
00:21:31,507 --> 00:21:35,511
Like it or not,
I'm not going anywhere.
555
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:39,820
♪ Yeah
556
00:21:43,476 --> 00:21:44,738
Ohh.
I'm so proud of him.
557
00:21:44,781 --> 00:21:45,956
Our little Evan.
558
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,524
...and my brother, Emery,
559
00:21:48,568 --> 00:21:50,352
who taught me
to be true to myself.
560
00:21:50,396 --> 00:21:52,876
And now he's starring in
cellphone commercials.
561
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,443
I'm sure you've all
heard his catchphrase.
562
00:21:54,487 --> 00:21:56,402
"No, boss,it's a text message!"
563
00:21:57,664 --> 00:21:59,100
You know, Louis,
564
00:21:59,143 --> 00:22:01,058
I'm actually glad
your mother's here,
565
00:22:01,102 --> 00:22:02,625
even like this.
566
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:11,547
I'm going to bea big ole mess later.
567
00:22:11,591 --> 00:22:12,940
Eddie: Yo, when this thing
wrap up?
568
00:22:12,983 --> 00:22:14,594
I got Trent
running my restaurant,
569
00:22:14,637 --> 00:22:16,944
and his narcolepsy's
flaring up.
570
00:22:16,987 --> 00:22:18,380
I don't know how,
but we did it.
571
00:22:18,424 --> 00:22:19,642
Yep.
572
00:22:19,686 --> 00:22:21,383
I did.Evan: Thank you.
573
00:22:21,427 --> 00:22:23,167
No, I said --
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