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1
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:09,310
Mmm!
2
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,811
Really, Dad?
Another burger?
3
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,146
Whoa!
4
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:14,148
You gonna take that
from your own kid, Lou?
5
00:00:14,182 --> 00:00:16,417
Come on, fight back.
Make fun of his hands.
6
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:19,053
No, we've just been eating a lot
of burgers together lately.
7
00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,854
We formed a club,
the Burger Boys.
8
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,556
Whenever a place has
the balls to advertise
9
00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:24,058
the "Best Burger
in Orlando,"
10
00:00:24,092 --> 00:00:26,227
it's the Burger Boys' job
to put it to the test.
11
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:29,930
It's been a really fun way to
hang out with two of my sons.
12
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,599
Food is just brain-fuel.
13
00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,267
My girlfriend Sicily
makes nutrition bars
14
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:34,768
so we can focus
on what matters --
15
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,337
science and holding hands.
16
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:37,505
You touch her knee yet?
17
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:38,439
Shut up!
18
00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:40,408
Almost.
19
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,443
Thank you for scheduling
this dinner so late.
20
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,745
I can't get out of the house
while Maria's awake anymore.
21
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,080
Sure you can.
Use the door.
22
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:49,283
No, she is just
so clingy,
23
00:00:49,317 --> 00:00:51,252
she has a tantrum
whenever I leave the room.
24
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:52,386
Maria: Mommy, Mommy,
Mommy, Mommy!
25
00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:53,887
It's okay, sweetie!
26
00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,389
Mommy's right here!
27
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,425
She has a shy bladder,
though,
28
00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,360
so the more you scream,
the longer this'll take.
29
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,229
Mommy, where are you?
30
00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:04,765
Honey, you have to start
ignoring her.
31
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:07,067
Teach her that she doesn't
get attention by yelling.
32
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,637
She only gets it through hard
work and academic achievement.
33
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:10,904
That worked with your boys?
34
00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:12,473
You ignored them
and that fixed it?
35
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:13,874
Oh,
they never needed it.
36
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,043
They're so independent,
especially now.
37
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:19,079
In fact,
it's freed me up for...
38
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:23,284
Hey! Eyes on me!
39
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:25,453
I am pleased to announce
that I will finally
40
00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:29,223
be recording an audiobook
of my under-appreciated novel,
41
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:32,760
"A Case of a Knife
to the Brain."
42
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,062
I'll be doing an R-rated version
and an X-rated version.
43
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,630
Ooh!
44
00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:38,732
You should've said
all ea on you.
45
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,334
It's an audiobook.
46
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,606
-- Captions by VITAC --
47
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:46,774
* Fresh off the boat
48
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,642
* I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go *
49
00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:50,778
* If you don't know, homey,
now you know *
50
00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,112
* Fresh off the boat
51
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,282
* Homey, you don't know
where I come from *
52
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:55,849
* But I know where I'm goin'
53
00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:58,352
* I'm fresh off the boat
54
00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:03,424
"As Jennifer Hong got up
to the bazooka factory rafters,
55
00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:04,858
she saw a door.
56
00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:08,128
Her elegant fingers grasped
the knob, turned the knob,
57
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:09,697
and pulled the knob --"
58
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,466
Ooh! Sorry,
are you recording?
59
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:13,000
Maria: Hi.
60
00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,770
Honey, why is there
a child on your leg?
61
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:19,507
I gave you perfect advice.
She should be obedient by now.
62
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,609
Actually, your advice
worked too well.
63
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,177
Oh, yes. My curse.
64
00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:24,712
I ignored her,
and she calmed down,
65
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,347
but then
I started to miss
66
00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:28,549
all that clinginess
and affection.
67
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,184
Oh, yes. Your curse.
68
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:33,854
I guess, but right now,
she's my precious little girl.
69
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:35,823
Don't you miss when your boys
were this young?
70
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,124
No.
71
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,459
I put in the work,
72
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:41,195
and I taught them to study hard,
feed themselves,
73
00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:43,831
so now I can focus
on my own life again.
74
00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:44,798
Speaking of which...
75
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:50,504
"And as the bazooka factory
rafter door creaked open --"
76
00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:55,142
Wow, your door impression
is incredible.
77
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,077
That wasn't me.
I can only do doors closing.
78
00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:58,712
I haven't mastered
doors opening yet.
79
00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:02,483
Evan.
What's wrong?
80
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,218
Sicily broke up with me.
81
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:06,387
Oh, my precious
little boy!
82
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,556
Come here! It's okay!
83
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:10,724
I told you it's hard
to ignore your children.
84
00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,526
This is totally different.
85
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,928
This isn't a baby crying
for more milk.
86
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,697
This is
a beautiful young man,
87
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:20,067
who has been betrayed
by an evil, ugly witch.
88
00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:23,537
Okay.
Come on, Maria.
89
00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:24,605
Bye.
90
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:31,512
I'm telling you, turducken
is not Thanksgiving-exclusive.
91
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,080
We could do it
year-round.
92
00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:35,616
And I'm telling you -- I see
"turd" on a restaurant menu?
93
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,217
I'm eating somewhere else.
94
00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:38,419
Louis: We've got
another one, boys!
95
00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,020
Looks like Burger Barrel
thinks they have
96
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,555
the "Best Burger
in Orlando."
97
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:43,424
Those suckers don't know
what they're in for.
98
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:45,058
You mean when you buy
their food and talk about it?
99
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,395
Trent, just...
Okay?
100
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,930
Hey, boss, think I could
get in on the action this time?
101
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,365
Oh, sorry, Chestnut,
102
00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:53,601
but this is more of
a Huang-boys-only thing.
103
00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:55,202
Alright. Yeah.
104
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,570
I guess you would
have to adopt me.
105
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,772
Which would be crazy, right?
106
00:03:58,806 --> 00:03:59,673
Right?
107
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,043
Whoa, no bacon bits?
108
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,945
I get it, saving space
for the beef.
109
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:05,979
Smart.
110
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,548
I could learn from you.
111
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:10,784
Well, actually...
112
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:14,588
Look, I wasn't sure
how to say this before,
113
00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,990
but I was watching PBS,
and there was this documentary
114
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,292
called "Fatal Farming."
115
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:19,927
Long story short...
116
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,663
God, why is this so hard?
117
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,732
The thing is...
118
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,133
I'm vegan now.
119
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:29,570
A vegan?
120
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:30,771
No.
121
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:34,842
No boss's son of mine is
gonna be a stinkin' vegan!
122
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,511
Here I am, ready to give
my left chestnut
123
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:38,679
to be a Burger Boy,
124
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,314
and you're gonna give
a spot to this little...
125
00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:41,515
leaf-muncher?!
126
00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:42,816
It's disgusting!
127
00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,452
Whoa, you need to cool down!
Oh, I need to cool down!
128
00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:47,488
I'm sorry, boss.
129
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:48,922
You never think
it'll be your kid.
130
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,624
Sorry, just
playing catch-up here,
131
00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:51,792
but what's a vegan?
132
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:53,527
It's like a vegetarian,
except you don't eat
133
00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:55,095
any animal products,
not just meat.
134
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,965
So no dairy, no eggs --
135
00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,833
Wait, what about candy?
Can you still eat candy?
136
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:02,470
Guys, this doesn't have
to be a whole thing.
137
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,372
I don't need to eat burgers
to be a Burger Boy.
138
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,773
It'll still be fun
to hang out.
139
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,375
Emery's right.
140
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,510
Nothing has to change.
I'm sure it'll all be fine.
141
00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:10,678
Yeah,
you're probably right.
142
00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:11,945
It'll be totally fine,
143
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,614
like when my sister
Tiffany stopped drinking.
144
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,450
Huh. I didn't know you had
a sister named Tiffany.
145
00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,318
We don't talk about her
because she stopped being fun.
146
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:26,193
Do we have any Gatorade?
147
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:28,562
My new boyfriend's
a lot of fun.
148
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:30,364
No, and keep it down.
149
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:33,333
Evan's had a tough day,
and he's trying to sleep.
150
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,703
You're giving Evan
too much attention.
151
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:38,539
What about the advice
you gave blondie?
152
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,007
Jenny,
you eavesdrop too much.
153
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,575
One day, it's gonna come back
and bite you.
154
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:43,176
The last thing that tried
to bite me
155
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:45,012
is waiting
in the garage.
156
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:48,015
Maria is a toddler,
Evan is a teenager.
157
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:49,550
It's different.
Give him a day.
158
00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:51,218
Tomorrow he'll be
back to normal.
159
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:52,653
I got to get back.
160
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:56,089
And don't come in no matter
how much I yell "help."
161
00:05:58,392 --> 00:05:59,727
Mommy,
I had a bad dream.
162
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,395
Oh, it was just
your grandmother.
163
00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:02,563
Shh.
164
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,502
Uh...sorry.
165
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:09,703
Are you sure
this is okay?
166
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:10,738
Not too weird?
167
00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:12,372
Not at all.
168
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:14,775
I'm loaded on vitamin B12
with all these fresh vegetables.
169
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,043
I'm in a great mood.
170
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,611
Is it just me,
171
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,780
or is tofu at a burger joint
a real bummer?
172
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:21,982
It's like a cat
at a dog show. Disrespectful.
173
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:26,787
Two Double-Barrel Burgers
for you.
174
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:31,425
And a seltzer for the boy
who brought in outside food.
175
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,093
Thanks.
176
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:34,061
Well...
177
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,198
Oh.
178
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,040
We finally found
the one burger
179
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,576
the Hamburglar
wouldn't steal.
180
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,243
You can tell
these were frozen.
181
00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:51,479
Burrrr-ger.
182
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:52,546
Boom! Got 'em!
183
00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:55,716
Umm...
184
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,985
Are you sure
you don't want to try it?
185
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,654
So you can see how bad it is?
One bite won't kill you.
186
00:07:00,688 --> 00:07:02,089
First of all, you don't
know that. What if I choke?
187
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:04,424
Second, I'm serious
about my veganism, Dad.
188
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:05,459
But you two should enjoy.
189
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,262
You know,
maybe we just call it.
190
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:10,263
There's something
about this place
191
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:11,965
that isn't as fun
as I thought.
192
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,634
Oh, that reminds me.
193
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,469
There's this vegan restaurant,
Cafe Fiona, that says
194
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,738
they have the Best Veggie Burger
in Orlando.
195
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,473
Whaddaya say we put 'em
in their place, huh?
196
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,676
Oh, wow, yeah.
Cool. Can't wait.
197
00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:24,077
You're not gonna like
the price,
198
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,013
but that's what it costs
to make a patty out of beans.
199
00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:27,080
And bun out of beans.
200
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,016
And cheese out of beans.
201
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,685
And the parking's
valet-only.
202
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,490
Soothes the vocal cords...
203
00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,091
and boosts fertility?
204
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,460
Just do one thing well.
205
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:43,831
Oh, you're looking refreshed,
how are you feeling?
206
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:45,533
Better.
207
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,134
Spending time with you always
makes me feel better, Mommy.
208
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,036
Great.
That's solved.
209
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:54,074
My cords are soothed.
It's time.
210
00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:02,650
What's happening?
What -- What is this?
211
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:04,718
Spending yesterday together
felt so good,
212
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:05,953
I thought,
why not do it again?
213
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,722
Oh.
Another day of that.
214
00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:11,358
Hm.
Okay, I guess you can
observe my process.
215
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:12,492
Hm.
216
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:31,078
Out you go.
You're gonna miss the bus.
Are you gonna be waiting here
when I get home?
217
00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:33,180
I promise.
Which room?
218
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:34,548
Uhp, the door's closing.
219
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:39,486
Jessica, you were right --
220
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,421
you make a perfect
door-closing sound.
221
00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:43,757
I can make the perfect
ass-kissing sound.
222
00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:47,561
Evan is more clingy
than ever.
223
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,563
I thought I raised him
to be the perfect machine.
224
00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:52,332
But I didn't account
for one thing -- love.
225
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,334
Now he's turned
on his creator.
226
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,603
Like the "Terminator."
227
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,671
I need a plan.
228
00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,607
How do you fix someone
who's just been dumped?
229
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,008
I really wish
I could help,
230
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,110
but I've actually never had
my heart broken.
231
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,245
My nicknames in high school
were "Honey the Heartbreaker"
232
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,881
and another I just realized
I shouldn't tell you guys.
233
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:10,250
I've never had
my heart broken either.
234
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,419
One guy tried, but he
woke up the next morning
235
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,221
with his mattress
floating down the Potomac.
236
00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:15,923
Embarrassing for a senator.
237
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:17,290
I always do the dumping.
238
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:19,893
I've dumped 14 boyfriends
this year.
239
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:22,095
Hey, babe.
240
00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,230
You wanted to talk?
241
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:26,033
Time to make it 15.
242
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,802
Let's do this
in the garage.
243
00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:29,803
Hmm?
244
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:31,238
Okay. The garage.
245
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,375
That's it.
246
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:38,211
I just need to talk to some duds
who've been dumped.
247
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,613
Did Jenny get a nurse?
248
00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:42,482
What just happened?
249
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:43,651
Dud.
250
00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:45,986
* Send me on my way
251
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,320
* On my way
252
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:48,121
* Send me on my way
253
00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:48,956
* On my way
254
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,223
* Send me on my way
255
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:50,991
* On my way
256
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,392
* Send me on my way
257
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,160
* On my way
258
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:54,261
* Send me on my way
259
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,829
A lot of hemp
on these vegans.
260
00:09:55,863 --> 00:09:57,731
Cashier: Number 50!
Your food's sprouted!
261
00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:59,299
That's us!
262
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,433
50?
263
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,770
You mean 49 other people
ordered this crap?
264
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:03,971
I can't believe
we're stuck here
265
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,939
instead of trying
Leroy's Burger Town.
266
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,074
Did you see their ad?
267
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,909
I did. Scrambled eggs
in a burger patty?
268
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,679
Sounds terrible,
but also maybe amazing?
269
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:12,479
Who knows?
270
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:14,614
Not us.
271
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:17,017
But we can't eat that
around Emery. It's too weird.
272
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,986
Look,
it'll all be fine.
273
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,420
He's probably just going
through a phase.
274
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,454
You know how he's been.
275
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,423
Gentlemen, ready your wit.
276
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,660
The "Best Veggie Burger
in Orlando" is served!
277
00:10:26,694 --> 00:10:28,662
Wait, it's just
veggie stuff?
278
00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:30,030
Not like,
a veggie/beef mix?
279
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,833
Wait, I have
my shoe bologna!
280
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,935
Oh, damn it.
I ate it in the car.
281
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,009
Ugh!
This tastes like cardboard
282
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,276
that was left out
in the rain.
283
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,478
There's definitely
dirt in here.
284
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:47,214
And it might be
on purpose.
285
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:49,983
What if this isn't a phase?
286
00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:53,987
You can really taste
the chickpea husks.
287
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,255
Thank you, Mother Earth,
right?
288
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:00,193
Welcome, heartbroken flops.
289
00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:01,661
Thank you for meeting
with me here today.
290
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:04,031
Yeah. Sure thing.
Always a pleasure.
Sup.
291
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:06,199
You're all here because
you've been dumped before --
292
00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:07,735
some, I'm assuming,
more than others.
293
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,036
Guilty!
294
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,038
But you've all managed
to bounce back
295
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:14,474
and become mostly
functioning adults.
296
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:15,575
How?
297
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:16,844
Marvin?
298
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,245
Oh, well,
I just rebounded
299
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,147
the way
my father taught me --
300
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,648
move south
and date younger.
301
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,984
My high-school sweetheart
was a 50-year-old in Maine.
302
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,954
"Marvin -- useless."
303
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,356
Never thought these words
would come out of my mouth,
304
00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,825
but, Matthew Chestnut,
please speak.
305
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:33,326
Well, uh,
let me tell ya --
306
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,930
me and Madam Heartbreak
go way, way back.
307
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:38,198
I hate you.
308
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,333
But every time she does
pay me a visit,
309
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,869
I just crack open
a bottle of whiskey,
310
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:43,403
put on an old Western,
311
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:47,841
and weep until my eyes
are as dry as the desert sands.
312
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,010
Spoken like a man who's
never been to the desert.
313
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,445
Y'know, it's truly amazing
how many tears
314
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:53,881
one man can produce
in a single month.
315
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,884
"Never talk
to Chestnut again."
316
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,452
Alright, tank-top.
317
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,553
Prove your worth.
318
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,389
Hmm? What?
319
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:03,690
I-I'm sorry.
Marvin: Go, man.
320
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,258
This hangover
is killing me.
321
00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:06,459
I-I had a wild night out
322
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,395
with the boys last night,
y'know?
323
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,798
Jackson bought some shots,
Trey invited some babes,
324
00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:13,400
Cody did some
sick backflips.
325
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,202
By the end of the night
I had forgotten
326
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,871
about your mother-in-law --
and my home address.
327
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:20,240
You know, unlike your choice
in women,
328
00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:22,009
that idea
is not half-bad.
329
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:25,245
A party could get Evan
off my back
330
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,880
and might help him
get over his break-up.
331
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:27,781
Hmm.
Hmm.
332
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,149
Hmm.
333
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:30,217
Okay,
I just have to ask.
334
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,451
I grew up in Bangor.
335
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,586
Was she a thin woman
with glasses?
336
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,055
No.
337
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:38,225
She was a tub of clam chowder
with perfect vision.
338
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,759
Whew!
339
00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:42,595
"She sipped her coffee."
340
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,465
"The clock ticked.
341
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,400
Seconds turned into minutes.
342
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:48,802
Minutes turned into hours.
343
00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:50,603
Hours turned into days.
344
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:52,072
Days turned into weeks.
345
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,440
She flagged down the waitress.
346
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:54,441
'More coffee?'
347
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:55,976
One cup turned into two.
348
00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:57,144
Two cups turned into three --"
349
00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:58,578
Evan: Mommy!
350
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,014
I forgot how bad
the school cafeteria food is.
351
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,615
Can you please make me
a healthy snack?
352
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:03,683
Please, Mommy?
353
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,418
Maybe in a bit,
but first
354
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,621
I have a different,
original idea of my own.
355
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:10,457
Call your friends and tell them
you're having a sleepover!
356
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,192
But you said sleepovers
are just a scam
357
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:13,326
to get free babysitting.
358
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,495
They are,
but I'll make an exception.
359
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:17,130
You're the best, Mommy!
360
00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:18,498
I'll go call people
right now.
361
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,700
And you'll do this...
without me?
362
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:22,702
Sure!
363
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:27,875
"Three cups turned into four.
364
00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:29,943
Four cups turned into five.
365
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,312
She asked for the bathroom code.
366
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:37,117
It was 9-7-2-5-3-1-8-0 --"
367
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,018
Mom?
368
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,287
Damn it, Emery!
369
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,489
She was just about to meet
Gorbachev in the bathroom!
370
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,958
Have you seen Eddie and Dad?
I can't find them anywhere.
371
00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:47,727
Well, they said
something about going
to Leroy's Burger Town.
372
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,063
Wait, they went to
Leroy's Burger Town without me?
373
00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:52,465
Are you at Leroy's Burger Town
right now?
374
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:53,533
No.
375
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:54,567
Well...
376
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,040
They call this a burger?!
377
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:02,742
More like a...a booger.
378
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:03,810
Sandwich.
379
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,478
Cooked not good.
380
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,480
Don't force it.
There's a lot to figure out.
381
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:08,916
You're eating,
you're talking.
382
00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:10,383
Just slow down.
You'll find it.
383
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:12,886
I know, I know.
I'm just so eager to please.
384
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,888
We're pleased, man.
Pleased you're here.
385
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:17,757
You're sneaking off
without me?
386
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:19,026
And you invited Trent?
387
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:20,660
What happened to
Huang boys only?
388
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,095
Well, what happened
to eating meat?
389
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:23,330
It hurts the animals!
390
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,165
Of course it does!
It's meat!
391
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,167
Hey, I'm not the one that owes
an explanation here.
392
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,569
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
Not you, Trent!
393
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:31,438
I don't know you that well,
but you seem very nice!
394
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,107
Well, since you two clearly
didn't want me here,
395
00:14:34,141 --> 00:14:35,475
I guess I'll just go.
396
00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:39,712
That's right, everyone!
397
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,181
Get your stares in now!
398
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,750
We're all dealing
with something!
399
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:49,589
Alright, Zack --
Truth or Math?
400
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:50,924
Truth.
401
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,860
Alright, boys,
I'm gonna leave now.
402
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,195
You sure you're all okay?
403
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,429
Evan, you're good?
404
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:57,931
Yes, Mommy.
Now please go.
405
00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,699
Zack picked "truth."
406
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,235
We're in uncharted territory,
and it's gonna get weird.
407
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,073
Well, then?
C'mon.
408
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,941
Who would you
rather kiss --
409
00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:09,442
my mom or Jeff's mom?
410
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:10,978
Ooh.
411
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:13,213
Do you have a 5?
412
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,481
Go fish.
413
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,483
We've played
the whole deck.
414
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:17,717
I know you have a 5.
415
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,152
Go fish.
416
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:22,222
I hate to admit it,
but your ex
417
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,556
had some good advice
418
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:27,060
about distracting Evan
with his "wild night."
419
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:30,097
I don't mean to be rude,
but you weren't paying that guy?
420
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,831
Not with money.
421
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,467
Oh, it's so nice
422
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:37,737
to finally be able to have
some time to myself!
423
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,739
Evan was driving me nuts,
424
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:43,610
always following me around
with the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"
425
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:46,113
The clinginess
was just too much.
426
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,815
Just getting some juice.
427
00:15:48,848 --> 00:15:50,017
Hopefully
it's not too much.
428
00:15:57,857 --> 00:15:59,526
Oops, there I go again.
429
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:00,793
Too much.
430
00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,295
She gets it, Evan!
431
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,431
You're just
wasting juice!
432
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,339
Well, I guess
I'll leave you be,
433
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,507
now that you "finally
have time for yourself."
434
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:15,808
Look, Evan, I don't know
435
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,610
what you think you heard,
but I wasn't --
436
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,046
Let's check the tapes.
437
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,314
You were recording?
438
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:24,484
Jessica:
Evan was driving me nuts,
always following me around
439
00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:26,519
with the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"
440
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,289
Nobody learned
from Watergate.
441
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,058
Look, Evan, I wasn't --
442
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:32,625
Don't worry, Mommy.
443
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:34,294
What's a few more cracks
in this broken heart of mine?
444
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,135
It'll be okay, Jessica.
445
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,471
I mean, parents are allowed to
mess up once in a while.
446
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,739
Marvin gave Maria coffee
yesterday.
447
00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:48,808
I've never messed up
like this before.
448
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,577
He'll come back.
They all do.
449
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:53,546
Louis still comes to me
for motherly support.
450
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:54,914
Really?
451
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:56,983
Interesting.
452
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,985
Honey: It's not that Marvin
isn't satisfying in bed.
453
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,254
It's just, I don't have
the stamina to keep up.
Okay, Jenny, that's enough.
454
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:03,390
Hey, Emery.
455
00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:04,591
Look, about earlier --
456
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:05,925
Yeah,
about earlier indeed!
457
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:07,760
I can't believe you picked
undercooked meat blood
458
00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:09,062
over your own
flesh and blood.
459
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:10,563
Well, I got news
for you, kid.
460
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:13,233
I run a steakhouse!
That's how we survive!
461
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:14,767
Meat paid for
the clothes on your back,
462
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:15,902
meat paid for your bed,
463
00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:17,204
meat paid for
your commemorative coins!
464
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:19,038
Your life
was built on meat!
465
00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:20,673
Yeah, what's the deal,
Emery?
466
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,075
You too good
for meat now or what?
467
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:23,376
If you're too good
for meat,
468
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,245
I guess you're too good
for...this alarm clock!
469
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,013
And this journal!
470
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,048
And this...bowl of...
471
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,517
loose batteries.
472
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:31,851
You know what, Dad?
473
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,686
I never judged you for eating
and selling meat.
474
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:34,854
I respected you.
475
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,890
And all I wanted was
some respect in return.
476
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,629
Hey, is this sleepover
still happening?
477
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,565
Yeah, because if not, uh,
that would actually be a relief.
478
00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:49,436
I need my home bathroom to...
do what I need to do.
479
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,073
I know I'm on your bed,
but it's not because I'm clingy.
480
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,475
There was just
nowhere else to go.
481
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:58,211
Evan, I felt awful
for hurting you.
482
00:17:58,245 --> 00:17:59,379
I didn't know what to do,
483
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,448
so I called my mom
to talk about it.
484
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:03,783
Did she go on a rant about
how annoying you are?
485
00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:06,119
Actually, she sent me
straight to voicemail.
486
00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:08,121
But the fact that I
wanted to call her
487
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:09,722
made me
realize something --
488
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:13,626
sometimes a kid
just needs their mom.
489
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:16,129
Unless your mom's a hamster.
They eat their babies.
490
00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:18,731
So you figured out
Cool Ranch Jr. didn't
move to Seattle?
491
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:19,632
Yeah.
492
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:20,800
Did Eddie?
493
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:22,169
No.
And I won't tell him.
494
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:26,173
You're always so perfect,
I sometimes forget
495
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:28,408
it doesn't mean
you won't struggle.
496
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,311
I was glad I could be here
to help you --
497
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,845
because I know
I won't always be.
498
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:34,247
Oh, no. Are you dying?
499
00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:35,582
What about the prophecy?
500
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:36,783
What? No.
501
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:38,151
I'm talking about
when you go off to college.
502
00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:40,019
The psychic's prediction
is still true.
503
00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:41,688
Mommy will outlive you all.
504
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,156
Oh, thank God.
505
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:46,092
Please sing at my funeral.
You have a lovely voice.
506
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,027
It was wrong of me
to get annoyed at you
507
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:50,129
just for needing
my support.
508
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:52,365
Getting over heartbreak
takes time.
509
00:18:52,399 --> 00:18:53,800
Or so I've heard.
510
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:56,269
I guess I might have been
overdoing it a bit.
511
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:58,137
And also, I started
to hear myself,
512
00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:00,006
and all that "Mommy"
is a bit much.
513
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:01,941
From now on,
you can be "Mother."
514
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,611
Mm, just call me "Mom."
515
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,146
It's the easiest thing to scream
when you're being kidnapped.
516
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,385
I got the weird invitation
you slid under my door.
517
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,354
Your handwriting
is really bad, Eddie.
518
00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:15,888
Look, you're still upset.
519
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,390
We've all been saying things
we don't mean --
520
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:18,625
No, it's bad.
521
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,159
You should know which way
an "E" faces by now.
522
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,361
We have computers.
Who cares?!
523
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,796
Look, we're sorry.
524
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,031
We messed up big time.
525
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,066
You did.
You did do that.
526
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:29,135
And we're sorry we bounced you
out of the Burger Boys.
527
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,570
We really did like
hanging out.
528
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:31,971
I mean,
look at this trio.
529
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,073
How often are
the three of us a thing?
530
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,576
It was never supposed
to be about burgers.
It was about bonding.
531
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:38,345
It was hard for me not to see
you going vegan
532
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,579
as a judgment on me.
533
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,548
You don't claim to be
the best in town,
534
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:42,915
so I'd never judge you.
535
00:19:42,949 --> 00:19:44,417
Thanks.
536
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:46,319
Now, we did invite you to
Cattleman's for a reason.
537
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,920
We put our heads together
and made you
538
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,389
a good veggie burger --
539
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:50,990
not like that crap
from the restaurant.
540
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,559
Thanks, guys.
541
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:03,202
So?
What do you think?
542
00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:06,573
Wow, it's, uh...
543
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:08,040
in my mouth.
544
00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:13,913
"As he knelt over his lover's
pale, lifeless body
545
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:17,784
he took her pale, lifeless hands
in his darker, alive hands.
546
00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,419
He turned his neck upward
547
00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:21,220
and screamed
to the heavens..."
548
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:23,623
Whyyyy?!
How could this have happened?!
549
00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:24,924
My heart
has been broken!!
550
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:26,058
Sicily!!
551
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,694
Whew!
552
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,263
Sorry, this is way more
therapeutic than I thought.
553
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:32,231
I'm glad it's helping,
but just so you know,
554
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:34,301
you're not making
any royalties from this.
555
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,234
I know, Mom.
556
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:40,307
"He turned his neck upward,
then screamed to the heavens..."
557
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:51,618
Thank you for such
a lovely date, Jenny.
558
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:53,152
What the hell?
559
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:55,221
You really do know
your "Matlock" trivia.
560
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,290
Color me impressed.
561
00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:59,992
And you really know how
to talk over the best parts.
562
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:09,502
Heard there was an opening
in the Burger Boys
563
00:21:09,536 --> 00:21:12,004
and you skipped over me for
your little golden boy Trent.
564
00:21:12,038 --> 00:21:14,407
So now I'm dating
your mother.
565
00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:15,608
It's your move, boss.
566
00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:21,013
You employ
some odd people, Dad.
567
00:21:21,047 --> 00:21:23,282
I like the ones
with low self-esteem.
568
00:21:23,316 --> 00:21:24,451
They do anything.
569
00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:25,452
Hm.
570
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,120
Think that's a good idea.
571
00:21:28,154 --> 00:21:29,489
Hmm.
40748
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