All language subtitles for Fresh Off the Boat (2015) - S06E02 - College (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 Silence)_Track03

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,076 --> 00:00:10,211 The plugs in your arms and head are gone. 2 00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,979 Morpheus? 3 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,247 Your appearance now 4 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:15,883 is what we call residual self image. 5 00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:19,387 It's a mental projection of your digital self. 6 00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:20,854 This isn't real? 7 00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,692 What is real? How do you define real? 8 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,827 Real is simply electrical signals 9 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,229 interpreted by your brain. 10 00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:30,198 This is the world that you know, 11 00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,966 the world as it was at the end of the 20th Century. 12 00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:37,037 It exists now only as a neural interactive simulation 13 00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:39,273 that we call the Matrix. 14 00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:41,609 You've been living in a dream world, Neo. 15 00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:44,678 This is the world as it exists today. 16 00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,416 That's not what Y2K's gonna be. 17 00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:49,583 You don't know that. 18 00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:51,185 No one knows what's going to happen. 19 00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,221 Well, I'm not gonna lose my hair, that's for sure. 20 00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:54,688 You think the world could end? 21 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,457 Yes. The Millennium Bug is coming! 22 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,025 It's the bug of the century. 23 00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:01,095 I caught a big bug with my bra today. 24 00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:04,765 More like a 36 Double Dead. Ma! 25 00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,367 Guys, this is the first day 26 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,935 of maybe our last summer of our lives. 27 00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,871 We've gotta do it all -- ice cream trucks, sunburns, 28 00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,973 water slides, skinny dipping, 29 00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:14,208 ice cream trucks. 30 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:15,243 Who's with me? 31 00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:16,910 Jessica: I am. 32 00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:17,645 Mom? 33 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:18,812 For the next three months 34 00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,548 while I'm busy studying for grad school, 35 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,451 you will be by my side PSAT prepping. 36 00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:24,985 Study buddies. 37 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:32,993 No! 38 00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:57,418 -- Captions by VITAC -- 39 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,586 * Fresh off the boat 40 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,288 * I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go * 41 00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,623 * If you don't know, homey, now you know * 42 00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:03,924 * Fresh off the boat 43 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,260 * Homey, you don't know where I come from * 44 00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,695 * But I know where I'm goin' 45 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,497 * I'm fresh off the boat 46 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,601 This sucks. 47 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,035 All my friends are going on cool vacations 48 00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:16,370 and I'm stuck studying. 49 00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:18,138 Sounds like you're going on a ton of trips... 50 00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:19,873 on the Complain Train. 51 00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,842 I don't need all this college prep. 52 00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,545 Eddie, this is not just your future at stake 53 00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,046 but my reputation. 54 00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:28,649 How am I gonna become a respected school principal 55 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:31,018 if I can't even get my own son into a top college? 56 00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:32,119 Whoa, top college? 57 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,954 I was thinking more like Tier 2, Tier 3. 58 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,123 I want less pressure, more fun. 59 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,525 Sit around and relax. 60 00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:39,227 Rejuvenate from the stress of high school. 61 00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:41,395 You get out every day at 1:45. 62 00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:43,497 I know, and my first class starts at 9:00. 63 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,733 Eddie, what did you do to the tub? 64 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,236 Oh, that's Gia, my mega water balloon. 65 00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:53,173 I'm leaving Gia in the tub 66 00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:55,543 until I bulk up enough to be able to throw her. 67 00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:56,677 She big. 68 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,011 "She big," Louis. 69 00:02:58,045 --> 00:02:59,980 No water balloons. 70 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,649 Real world is coming. College. 71 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:02,750 You need to grow up. 72 00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:04,585 You've been saying that since I was 3. 73 00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,320 College. I'm so jealous of you. 74 00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:07,655 Best time of your life. 75 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,258 You know, I was a bit of a campus legend myself. 76 00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:11,725 Please don't start. 77 00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:13,361 They called me "The Buffalo." 78 00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:15,563 Why'd they call you "The Buffalo"? 79 00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,231 Because you couldn't find a hotter wingman. 80 00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:19,600 Hey, what about Maryland? 81 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:22,202 Go to your old man -- and old woman's alma...mata? 82 00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:24,204 Almamatta. Alma mamata? 83 00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,374 Alma... Go to our college? 84 00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:30,043 No. Maryland did not make the list. 85 00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,879 Do I get a say in any of this? 86 00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:34,214 Oh, Eddie, if only the PSATs 87 00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:35,749 were verbal, math, and comedy. 88 00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:40,120 Don't you think this is a little much? 89 00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:41,722 You don't want to burn Eddie out on college 90 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,090 before he even gets in. 91 00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,293 We have to stay on him or he strays. 92 00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:47,428 He proves this over and over again. 93 00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,930 If I recall, you weren't exactly 94 00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,932 the most focused student in college. 95 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:55,769 We do not talk about my college days, remember? 96 00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:58,772 Especially not in front of our impressionable son 97 00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:01,575 who has been talking about going to school 98 00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,277 in "one of the Arizonas." 99 00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,713 Just saying, you made some questionable choices and -- 100 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,947 That was different! 101 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,317 It's way more competitive now. 102 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:10,551 My sister, Connie, 103 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,219 started prepping Justin a year out, 104 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,887 and he got into a crap school. 105 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,289 He's a freshman at UCLA. 106 00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:16,457 That's a great school. 107 00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:18,292 Ugh, you sound just like Connie. 108 00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:20,127 I want better for Eddie, 109 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,962 not just so I can rub it in Connie's face, 110 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,998 but because I want him to have the best possible future, 111 00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:27,301 which I could also rub in Connie's face. 112 00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,169 Well, it might help Eddie get more excited 113 00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,772 if he knew there was more to it than just academics. 114 00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,407 It's about making connections, 115 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,409 socializing, living on your own -- 116 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:36,777 the whole experience. 117 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,179 Trust me, there is no experience 118 00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:41,349 like the feeling Eddie will get 119 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,183 when he graduates Harvard 120 00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:46,119 and sees my glowing stare of approval. 121 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:51,659 Julius: Whoa! 122 00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:54,027 Do I look cool now? 123 00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:55,963 Mr. Ice. 124 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,365 Yeah, just breeze on through. 125 00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:58,699 Emery, join us. 126 00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,701 We're watching Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Twins." 127 00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:03,003 It's Danny DeVito's "Twins." 128 00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:05,606 Perfect timing. Easy on the eyes. 129 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,941 There's rumors of Arnold entering politics, 130 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,443 so I've become a big fan. 131 00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:12,045 How can you sit and watch TV with this Y2K thing coming? 132 00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:13,514 We're totally unprepared. 133 00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:16,216 We need to start stocking up on supplies, rations, 134 00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,686 valuables we can use to trade with other survivors. 135 00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,954 That's gonna require some cash. 136 00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,022 Exactly. 137 00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,624 We need to get summer jobs. 138 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,792 Mm. 139 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,495 Act responsible while everyone else gets crazy. 140 00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:28,729 Or live it up. 141 00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:31,465 We won't be around to face the consequences. 142 00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,266 Y2K! 143 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,012 Something just clicked, 144 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,147 and I fell on board with sunglasses. 145 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,517 I'm just jealous you actually got to go somewhere this summer. 146 00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,652 Not somewhere, Eddie. Ball State. 147 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:52,720 Damn. 148 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,988 You were on a college campus? Fun! 149 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,190 Oh, yeah. We piled into the Suburban, 150 00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,592 popped in some Reba, 151 00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,428 and Burger King'd our way straight to my sister's dorm. 152 00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:01,429 Ah. 153 00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:02,930 Eddie, that's it. 154 00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,732 We'll take a family trip to college. 155 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:06,534 That'd be sick! 156 00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,936 Until Mom makes me take PSATs the whole time. 157 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,370 I think you'll be surprised. 158 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:11,705 Once your mom's on campus, 159 00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,173 you may see a different side of her. 160 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,875 There's no chance we're even getting there. 161 00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:17,010 Mom always says sleep is our vacation. 162 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,746 Trust me, I know her weak spot. 163 00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,080 Connie. 164 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:22,750 I know my weak spot -- toe massages. 165 00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,787 Family trip to California! 166 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,456 Oh, that's great. Whose family? 167 00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:29,557 Us. Us family. 168 00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,892 Dad's taking us to visit Justin at UCLA. 169 00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,193 He's in summer classes. 170 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,463 We can't. We just got new jobs. 171 00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:36,797 Use your vacation and sick days. 172 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,298 They'll understand. I'm a boss. 173 00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,367 Dad just Y2K'd our jobs. 174 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,636 Louis, we're saving for college, 175 00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:44,204 not wasting money to go visit one 176 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:45,739 on the other side of the country. 177 00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,941 My brother flies for Delta. He'll get us free tickets. 178 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,477 We can stay with Justin -- no hotel. 179 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:50,811 And the best part? 180 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,146 If Eddie turns down UCLA for Harvard, 181 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,282 you can rub it in Connie's face. 182 00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,822 Okay! Pack your bags, boys. 183 00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,857 We're going to college! 184 00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:13,501 Does your roommate have any diseases, Justin? 185 00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:15,636 Ugh. Never mind. 186 00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:17,104 Justin: I assumed when you called 187 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,772 it would be just Eddie staying with me. 188 00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,107 Well, that's why you're in college -- 189 00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,441 to learn things you didn't know. 190 00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:23,410 Hey, how come there's no sock on the door? 191 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,411 Kidding. 192 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,446 Amazing bookstore. 193 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:27,615 Oh, Marley, nice. 194 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,416 No woman, no cry... mon. 195 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,351 Oh, sweet. I had one of these. 196 00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:34,087 Mine was red. If it could talk, whoo. 197 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,289 Louis, calm down. Where's Grandma and the boys? 198 00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:37,858 She said she needed the campus ATM 199 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,259 before they went sightseeing. 200 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,494 They're here, too? 201 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,130 Great. 202 00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:44,965 Fill out the form and you'll get a credit card 203 00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:46,299 and a free T-shirt. 204 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,702 Grandma, we don't have jobs to pay these off, remember? 205 00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:49,837 Grandma: So? 206 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,312 Y2K. 207 00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:00,380 She's right, Emery. 208 00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:02,282 We tried to do the responsible thing, 209 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,283 and it didn't matter. 210 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,152 Let's just live it up while we can. 211 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,219 Y2K. 212 00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:08,622 We're rich! 213 00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:10,357 Y2K! Y2K!Y2K! 214 00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:12,359 Whoo! 215 00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:14,728 Wow. Your own fridge. Cool. 216 00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:15,896 Louis: We didn't have those 217 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:16,897 in my day. 218 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,732 You just had to let stuff spoil. 219 00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,034 Oh! 220 00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:23,303 There she is. It's all coming back. 221 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,805 Whoa. What'd you just do? 222 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:25,873 Nothing. 223 00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,641 Just trying to clean up this hellhole. 224 00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:31,211 So, uh, J-bird, the Huangs are at college! 225 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:32,412 What's the plan? 226 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,513 I have a midterm today 227 00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:34,882 and I was gonna use the morning to study. 228 00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:36,884 Please. 229 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,486 How hard can the tests be at Eddie's safety school? 230 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:40,721 UCLA? 231 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:43,156 I got a 4.0, good SAT, 232 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,825 and a rare sit-down with the Dean of Admissions 233 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,159 and I still got wait-listed. 234 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:47,494 It's not easy to get into. 235 00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:50,698 Oh. Quick, hide the Sambuca. 236 00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:51,732 It's the RA. 237 00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,767 This is Kip, my roommate. 238 00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:56,604 This is my family. They're staying with us. 239 00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:58,105 Doesn't matter to me. 240 00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:00,073 My midterms just posted. I flunked out. 241 00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,610 AP classes, years of prep school, 242 00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:04,077 valedictorian... 243 00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:06,046 just to be back in my dad's butcher shop, 244 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,448 cutting ham for Mrs. Josephs. 245 00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:09,750 Wait a minute. 246 00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:12,686 So UCLA isn't a school for dum-dums like you? 247 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,222 It's the Harvard of California. 248 00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,225 Okay, new itinerary -- 249 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,060 campus tour, three class lectures, 250 00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,729 and a meeting with the Dean of Admissions. 251 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,363 Jessica, I thought a meeting with the Dean 252 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,364 was impossible to get. 253 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:25,733 I reached out to your RV salesman. 254 00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:26,734 He put in a call. 255 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,068 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? 256 00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:29,269 Yeah. 257 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,404 Apparently he's some kind of a big deal around here. 258 00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:33,106 Did he sell RVs in college? 259 00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:34,107 It's industrious. 260 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,275 Dad, you said 261 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,777 Mom would be different once we got here, 262 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:39,312 but College Mom is even worse. 263 00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:40,781 * I'm going, going 264 00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,950 * Back, back to Cali, Cali 265 00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,785 * I'm going, going 266 00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:47,721 So, do you want to get a picture with a "celebrity"? 267 00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:49,723 Marilyn Monroe? Rocky? 268 00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:51,725 That guy with a spot-on Whoopi Goldberg? 269 00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:53,393 I don't know, we've spent a lot. 270 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:56,329 Grandma, what's going on? 271 00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,666 Me and Danny are going to take the limo 272 00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:00,333 and do some adult things. 273 00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,335 Uh, Grandma, that's not Danny DeVito. 274 00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,738 Show them, Danny. Do the Batman. 275 00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,740 Wah-wah. 276 00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:09,509 So, you're just gonna ditch us 277 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:10,978 in the middle of Los Angeles? 278 00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,579 Oh, Y2K! 279 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,782 Every man for themselves. 280 00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:15,783 Again, Penguin! 281 00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:16,784 Wah-wah. 282 00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:19,452 Have fun. 283 00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,522 Do you ever worry for Grandma's safety? 284 00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,958 I worry for that guy's safety. 285 00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,963 Uh, excuse me, ma'am. 286 00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:33,333 Uhp, looks like Jessica's "Bruin" up another question. 287 00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:35,869 Because it's the UCLA Bruins. 288 00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:38,138 Man, this girl is on a pun run like I've never seen. 289 00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,339 It's effortless. 290 00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:41,341 Can you tell us what the library hours are? 291 00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:42,642 I can, 292 00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:45,713 but the librarians have asked me to keep it hush-hush. 293 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,480 Oh, you can't teach this. 294 00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:49,149 A pimps and hoes party? 295 00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,318 Yes and yes. Ooh, sounds fun. 296 00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:52,519 Eddie, pay attention. 297 00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:54,855 You need to remember every detail about the school 298 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,990 so you can impress the Dean of Admissions later. 299 00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:02,029 Hey, uh, I know you mean well, 300 00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,663 but maybe you can ease up on Eddie. 301 00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:04,832 Ease up? 302 00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,499 I'm trying to get our son focused on college. 303 00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,068 Well, you don't get a donkey to a cornfield 304 00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,069 by whipping him. 305 00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,237 You show him the corn -- 306 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,505 "Hey donkey, look at all this tasty corn!" 307 00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,641 Donkeys don't eat corn. Well, something does. 308 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,643 I think you mean a pig. A pig'll eat anything. 309 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:17,845 I know about pigs. 310 00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:20,213 The point is this is supposed to be fun for Eddie. 311 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:22,883 College is not supposed to be fun, okay? 312 00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:24,151 Oh, is that so? 313 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,553 Um, excuse me, uh, Pun Master, 314 00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,655 have you ever had a student get in trouble 315 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,190 for streaking in the cafeteria 316 00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,692 instead of studying for her econ final? 317 00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:34,728 Louis, don't do this. Follow-up question. 318 00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,429 You guys ever hear of a Messy Jessie? 319 00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:37,765 Get ready for this, Eddie. 320 00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,933 * ...leads to shots, grit your teeth * 321 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:41,334 Drink. 322 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,703 * You run for cover so discreet, why don't they * 323 00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:46,039 Drink. Tough one, Sarah. 324 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,541 Man, I love Tuesdays. 325 00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:51,444 What should we do with this kayak that I "borrowed"? 326 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:52,780 And another time, 327 00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:55,548 she got her hands on a huge tub of industrial glue -- 328 00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:57,350 Okay, Louis, that's enough. 329 00:11:57,384 --> 00:12:00,353 And now her son knows that his mom was fun. 330 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,621 Pretty cool, right, Eddie? 331 00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:04,457 Uh...Eddie? 332 00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:05,926 Where'd he go? 333 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,631 Emery: After this, 334 00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:14,134 I wanna see a TV taping with a live studio audience. 335 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,770 What? I'm not doing that. Why not? 336 00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:19,472 Because our time is finite, and I don't wanna waste it 337 00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:21,809 watching garbage with a bunch of zoo people. 338 00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:23,476 I'm thinking of becoming an actor. 339 00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:25,112 You and everyone else. 340 00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,447 No, I wanna go to Muscle Beach, 341 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,749 see where Arnold began his political career. 342 00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:30,784 What's the point of that? 343 00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,219 What's the point in anything? 344 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,286 Y2K's coming. 345 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,888 Oh, poor baby. 346 00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,124 Grandma got DeVito, so you want some Arnold. 347 00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:38,992 Better actor than you'll ever be. 348 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,961 Maybe you're right. 349 00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,262 The world's ending. 350 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:44,497 Why care about anything? Or anyone. 351 00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:45,632 I'm out of here. 352 00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:47,300 What? Y2K! 353 00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:48,601 Y2K! 354 00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:55,508 If Eddie misses this meeting and winds up at a Tier 3 school, 355 00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,477 it's all your fault. My fault? 356 00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,980 You corrupted him with all my old escapades, 357 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,949 which I never wanted him to hear. 358 00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,416 He took it as free license 359 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,986 to ditch us and run wild. 360 00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:07,620 Exactly what I feared. 361 00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:09,356 Or I inspired him to explore this campus 362 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:10,690 and all it has to offer. 363 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,460 Hey, what's up? And still show up right on time. 364 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:16,696 Eddie, I'm sorry you had to listen to those nonsense stories 365 00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:18,165 your dad told the tour group. 366 00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:19,499 Stories? What stories? 367 00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:21,201 The ones about your mother? 368 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,170 Nah, I must've bailed before that. 369 00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,873 And yet he still made it to his big meeting. 370 00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,308 Because Eddie knows that college is important 371 00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,010 and he must take it seriously. 372 00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:32,045 Yeah, I was thinking about that, 373 00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:34,481 and I don't wanna go to college. 374 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:35,548 College sucks. 375 00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:43,156 "College sucks"?! Eddie! 376 00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:45,859 Sorry. Not just this one. 377 00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:46,994 All colleges. 378 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:51,198 As Dean of Admissions, I am disappointed. 379 00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:55,202 But as a man who thinks he may have left the oven on... 380 00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:56,870 I'm thrilled. 381 00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,238 Seems like a nice guy. 382 00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,973 You had Kareem's recommendation. 383 00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:01,474 His sky hook of approval! 384 00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,576 All you had to do was come in and smile. 385 00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:07,380 I can't smell anything. 386 00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:10,750 I'm so angry, I've lost my ability to smell. 387 00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:13,553 You guys should be thanking me. 388 00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:15,488 Now you don't have to waste your money 389 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,590 sending me somewhere I hate. 390 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:18,591 Nothing. 391 00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:19,759 It's like all my powers 392 00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,328 have been drained to fuel my rage. 393 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,330 Where have you been? That tour was so boring. 394 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,831 I had to find something else to do. 395 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,166 You went to that party. 396 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:27,767 That's how this all happened. 397 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,436 He went there, he got drunk, 398 00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:31,905 he lost his potential, and now he hates college. 399 00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:34,241 No, I went and found Justin. He's my age. 400 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:36,576 I figured he might show me how to have fun around here. 401 00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:40,280 Another "Mr. Show"? 402 00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:41,881 Seriously? 403 00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:43,883 We've been watching TV for hours. 404 00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:46,619 Isn't there anything else you guys do? 405 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,788 We can all take a nap again. 406 00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,559 I thought that's what you wanted. 407 00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,394 Nice and easy, sit around. 408 00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:55,795 Recharge from high school. 409 00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:57,230 Yeah, it sounded good in theory, 410 00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:59,066 but that's all they do here. 411 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:00,633 Turns out I need a little more. 412 00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:04,304 I haven't seen one thing here that doesn't suck. 413 00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,073 I'm sorry. College isn't for me. 414 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,207 It's lame. 415 00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:10,743 This is a disaster. 416 00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:13,546 He went from Tier 3 schools to no schools at all. 417 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:14,547 He's going backwards. 418 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,049 Well, it's now or never. 419 00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,384 If you're not going to show our son 420 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,219 how to have a good time here, then I will. 421 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,387 You? 422 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,754 What are you gonna do, 423 00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:23,156 throw a Frisbee with him on the quad? 424 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:25,458 You don't throw a Frisbee, you slang it. 425 00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:27,894 Louis, who are we kidding? 426 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,630 I let you play it up in front of the kids, 427 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,565 but we both know that in college, 428 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,001 you were a dork. 429 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,902 Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why Eddie needs you. 430 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:36,970 He is you. 431 00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,138 No, Evan's me. 432 00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:41,341 Responsible, focused, able to pull off argyle. 433 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:42,342 Argyle! 434 00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:43,410 Evan is you now. 435 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:44,811 Eddie is who you used to be. 436 00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:46,579 I could handle myself. 437 00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,615 I knew where to draw the line. 438 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:49,616 Eddie's not me. 439 00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:50,783 No, he's not. 440 00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,652 He's way better off because you raised him. 441 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,921 Mistakes, regret, loss, 442 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,024 this is the place to start to learn about that stuff. 443 00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,591 And it'll only help our kids to know 444 00:15:58,625 --> 00:15:59,859 that we went through it, too. 445 00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:02,029 And we survived and evolved. 446 00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,263 Same way he will. 447 00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,799 Look, Jessica, someone needs to show Eddie 448 00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,635 that college can be challenging 449 00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:10,270 and soul-searching and fun. 450 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:11,671 And that person is you. 451 00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:12,672 The old you. 452 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,641 Messy Jessie. 453 00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:16,143 What do you say, gunslinger? 454 00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:21,148 ...probably a huge tadpole by now. 455 00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:22,515 Man: Nice, right? 456 00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:24,284 Wah-wah. 457 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,057 * Got the wind in my hair Arnold got his start here. 458 00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,159 What are your political aspirations? 459 00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:34,461 Which exercise 460 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:35,562 best preps a young candidate 461 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:36,663 for the campaign trail? 462 00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,366 How do you square the Electoral College 463 00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:40,667 with "1 Person, 1 Vote"? 464 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,037 * Since I was just a girl 465 00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:46,473 * I've traveled near and far 466 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:49,576 Man: Alright, I know you heard this scene 15 times or so. 467 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:51,844 But they're gonna run it once more, 468 00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:53,746 so they need you to act like 469 00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:56,816 this is the first time you're hearing these jokes! 470 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,351 All right? Energy up. 471 00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:00,820 Oh, this is nothing. 472 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:04,357 When Kelsey Grammer's having a day, look out. 473 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,160 You sure you can eat ramen dry? 474 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:09,529 You can eat anything dry if you chew enough. 475 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:15,034 Eddie, I have to tell you something. 476 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,837 I am Messy Jessie. 477 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:18,771 Who? 478 00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,173 When I was in college, 479 00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,109 I didn't take it seriously. 480 00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,011 I used to be a madwoman. 481 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,614 I don't believe this. What? 482 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,216 That you could fill a water balloon 483 00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:30,517 with shaving cream instead of water 484 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:31,751 so you could actually lift it? 485 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:34,121 No, I mean, yes, that is also pretty mind-blowing, 486 00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,623 but I'm talking about how you were wild in college. 487 00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:39,459 Occasionally, I would let my hair down. 488 00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,294 Until I shaved it all off on a dare. 489 00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,130 How come you never told me all this? 490 00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,898 Because there are some qualities you see in your kids 491 00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:49,202 that you know they got from you, and you are not proud. 492 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,237 So... 493 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:51,971 you're ashamed I like to have fun? 494 00:17:52,004 --> 00:17:53,873 No, it's not that. 495 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,575 It's just that maybe 496 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:58,044 if I had been more focused the first time around, 497 00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,546 I wouldn't be back in school now 498 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,080 trying to do it all over again. 499 00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,815 I don't want you to have to do that. 500 00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,083 Really? 501 00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:05,285 Because it seems to me that the way you did it 502 00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:06,319 is way more interesting. 503 00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:08,755 You lived it up, you had a family, 504 00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:11,624 multiple careers, still pushing yourself -- 505 00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:13,059 Okay, you're right, I don't regret it. 506 00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:14,761 I just don't want to encourage you 507 00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,095 to behave the way I did. 508 00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:17,830 I know, I'm a hypocrite. 509 00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:19,232 No, cocky. 510 00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:21,134 You think you're the only person who could handle anything? 511 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,135 Yes. 512 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,570 Because I am battle-tested. 513 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:24,837 Not as much as me. 514 00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:27,674 You could never handle what I went through -- you. 515 00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:31,077 Me versus me. 516 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,480 That is interesting. Who would win? 517 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:34,481 Me. 518 00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:35,515 You're crazy. 519 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,185 You call it like you see it. 520 00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,920 That is another quality I am proud you get from me. 521 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,524 Well, I am glad that Messy Jessie could help. 522 00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,626 Now, are you gonna tell me 523 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,261 what we're gonna do with this cream balloon? 524 00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:49,362 Yes. 525 00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:53,132 As long as you promise to only do it at Harvard. 526 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:54,534 I don't know about Harvard, 527 00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,437 but maybe college isn't as lame as I thought. 528 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,472 Okay. Stanford. 529 00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:00,607 Ready? 530 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,041 Evan: Hey, look! 531 00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:03,776 It's our little movie star! 532 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,145 You make it big? 533 00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:08,114 No. Hollywood sucks. 534 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,217 Yeah, turns out a beachside gym 535 00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,719 isn't the political think tank you would expect. 536 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,221 And look at this. 537 00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,888 Completely pumped out. 538 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:18,825 I won't be able to do bis and tris till next week! 539 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,026 I thought being rich 540 00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:21,794 and not caring about anything would be amazing. 541 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:24,130 Garfield makes it look so easy. 542 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,632 Garfield's not rich. 543 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,900 He's cat-rich. It's different. 544 00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,336 It was all too much. 545 00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:31,738 The excess, ignoring consequences, 546 00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:33,039 never saying no. 547 00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:35,242 It's unsustainable. You can't live life that way. 548 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,677 No one can. Not even me. 549 00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:39,646 Not even Danny DeVito. 550 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,648 Grandma, that wasn't Danny DeVito. 551 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,983 Emery, they could've kissed. Let her have it. 552 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,151 * Yeah 553 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,220 You know, even if Y2K's coming, 554 00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:49,656 I'd rather spend my last few days with you two, 555 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:50,923 just like we always do -- 556 00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,059 on the couch, busting each other's yams. 557 00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,563 Hey, if the world doesn't end, 558 00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:59,699 how are we gonna pay off our credit cards? 559 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,734 I faked my death before. 560 00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,370 I can do it again. 561 00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:04,937 Hmm. 562 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,277 Look out below! 563 00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:11,711 Nooooooo! 564 00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:16,283 Messy Jessie! 565 00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:22,522 If you were this crazy in college, 566 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:24,957 I can't imagine what "The Buffalo" was like. 567 00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,459 Nope. Sorry. That's R-rated. 568 00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:27,860 Louis, I thought you said 569 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:30,630 good parenting was sharing our past, not hiding it. 570 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:32,799 Oh, I say a lot of things to get out of the doghouse. 571 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,301 Your dad was a club guy. 572 00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,468 He joined them all. 573 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,438 I am so excited. 574 00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:39,806 Topiary Club! 575 00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,641 Or should we call it Shrub Club? 576 00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:44,076 Look out, nerds! 577 00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:46,446 Coming through! 578 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:48,715 Are you here for the club? 579 00:20:49,816 --> 00:20:51,451 Extracurriculars are the wings 580 00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:52,719 of a social butterfly. 581 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:53,786 Dad, you're making it worse. 582 00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,221 Oh, yeah? I had a ton of sex. 583 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,889 No, you did not. I did, too. 584 00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,224 With who? The bush club? 585 00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,225 The Shrub Club! 586 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,960 Okay. That's enough sharing. 41082

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