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1
00:00:08,076 --> 00:00:10,211
The plugs in your arms
and head are gone.
2
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,979
Morpheus?
3
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,247
Your appearance now
4
00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:15,883
is what we call
residual self image.
5
00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:19,387
It's a mental projection
of your digital self.
6
00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:20,854
This isn't real?
7
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,692
What is real?
How do you define real?
8
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,827
Real is simply
electrical signals
9
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,229
interpreted by
your brain.
10
00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:30,198
This is
the world that you know,
11
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,966
the world as it was
at the end of the 20th Century.
12
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:37,037
It exists now only as
a neural interactive simulation
13
00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:39,273
that we call
the Matrix.
14
00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:41,609
You've been living
in a dream world, Neo.
15
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:44,678
This is the world
as it exists today.
16
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,416
That's not
what Y2K's gonna be.
17
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:49,583
You don't
know that.
18
00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:51,185
No one knows
what's going to happen.
19
00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,221
Well, I'm not gonna lose
my hair, that's for sure.
20
00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:54,688
You think
the world could end?
21
00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,457
Yes.
The Millennium Bug is coming!
22
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,025
It's the bug
of the century.
23
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:01,095
I caught a big bug
with my bra today.
24
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:04,765
More like
a 36 Double Dead.
Ma!
25
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,367
Guys,
this is the first day
26
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,935
of maybe
our last summer of our lives.
27
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,871
We've gotta do it all --
ice cream trucks, sunburns,
28
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,973
water slides,
skinny dipping,
29
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:14,208
ice cream trucks.
30
00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:15,243
Who's with me?
31
00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:16,910
Jessica: I am.
32
00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:17,645
Mom?
33
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:18,812
For the next
three months
34
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,548
while I'm busy
studying for grad school,
35
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,451
you will be by my side
PSAT prepping.
36
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:24,985
Study buddies.
37
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:32,993
No!
38
00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:57,418
-- Captions by VITAC --
39
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,586
* Fresh off the boat
40
00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,288
* I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go *
41
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,623
* If you don't know, homey,
now you know *
42
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:03,924
* Fresh off the boat
43
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,260
* Homey, you don't know
where I come from *
44
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,695
* But I know where I'm goin'
45
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,497
* I'm fresh off the boat
46
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,601
This sucks.
47
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,035
All my friends are
going on cool vacations
48
00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:16,370
and I'm stuck studying.
49
00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:18,138
Sounds like you're going on
a ton of trips...
50
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:19,873
on the Complain Train.
51
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,842
I don't need
all this college prep.
52
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,545
Eddie, this is not just
your future at stake
53
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,046
but my reputation.
54
00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:28,649
How am I gonna become
a respected school principal
55
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:31,018
if I can't even get my own son
into a top college?
56
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:32,119
Whoa, top college?
57
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,954
I was thinking more like
Tier 2, Tier 3.
58
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,123
I want less pressure,
more fun.
59
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,525
Sit around and relax.
60
00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:39,227
Rejuvenate from the stress
of high school.
61
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:41,395
You get out every day
at 1:45.
62
00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:43,497
I know, and my first class
starts at 9:00.
63
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,733
Eddie, what did you do
to the tub?
64
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,236
Oh, that's Gia,
my mega water balloon.
65
00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:53,173
I'm leaving Gia
in the tub
66
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:55,543
until I bulk up enough
to be able to throw her.
67
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:56,677
She big.
68
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,011
"She big," Louis.
69
00:02:58,045 --> 00:02:59,980
No water balloons.
70
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,649
Real world is coming.
College.
71
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:02,750
You need to grow up.
72
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:04,585
You've been saying that
since I was 3.
73
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,320
College.
I'm so jealous of you.
74
00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:07,655
Best time of your life.
75
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,258
You know, I was a bit
of a campus legend myself.
76
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:11,725
Please don't start.
77
00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:13,361
They called me
"The Buffalo."
78
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:15,563
Why'd they call you
"The Buffalo"?
79
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,231
Because you couldn't find
a hotter wingman.
80
00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:19,600
Hey,
what about Maryland?
81
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:22,202
Go to your old man --
and old woman's alma...mata?
82
00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:24,204
Almamatta.
Alma mamata?
83
00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,374
Alma...
Go to our college?
84
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:30,043
No. Maryland did not
make the list.
85
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,879
Do I get a say
in any of this?
86
00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:34,214
Oh, Eddie,
if only the PSATs
87
00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:35,749
were verbal, math,
and comedy.
88
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:40,120
Don't you think
this is a little much?
89
00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:41,722
You don't want
to burn Eddie out on college
90
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,090
before he even
gets in.
91
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,293
We have to stay on him
or he strays.
92
00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:47,428
He proves this
over and over again.
93
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,930
If I recall,
you weren't exactly
94
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,932
the most focused student
in college.
95
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:55,769
We do not talk about
my college days, remember?
96
00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:58,772
Especially not in front of
our impressionable son
97
00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:01,575
who has been talking about
going to school
98
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,277
in "one of the Arizonas."
99
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,713
Just saying, you made
some questionable choices and --
100
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,947
That was different!
101
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,317
It's way more
competitive now.
102
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:10,551
My sister, Connie,
103
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,219
started prepping Justin
a year out,
104
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,887
and he got into
a crap school.
105
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,289
He's a freshman
at UCLA.
106
00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:16,457
That's a great school.
107
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:18,292
Ugh, you sound
just like Connie.
108
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:20,127
I want better
for Eddie,
109
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,962
not just so I can
rub it in Connie's face,
110
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,998
but because I want him to have
the best possible future,
111
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:27,301
which I could also
rub in Connie's face.
112
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,169
Well, it might help Eddie
get more excited
113
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,772
if he knew there was more to it
than just academics.
114
00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,407
It's about
making connections,
115
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,409
socializing,
living on your own --
116
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:36,777
the whole experience.
117
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,179
Trust me,
there is no experience
118
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:41,349
like the feeling
Eddie will get
119
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,183
when he
graduates Harvard
120
00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:46,119
and sees my glowing
stare of approval.
121
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:51,659
Julius: Whoa!
122
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:54,027
Do I look cool now?
123
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:55,963
Mr. Ice.
124
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,365
Yeah, just breeze
on through.
125
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:58,699
Emery, join us.
126
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,701
We're watching
Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Twins."
127
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:03,003
It's Danny DeVito's
"Twins."
128
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:05,606
Perfect timing.
Easy on the eyes.
129
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,941
There's rumors of Arnold
entering politics,
130
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,443
so I've become
a big fan.
131
00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:12,045
How can you sit and watch TV
with this Y2K thing coming?
132
00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:13,514
We're totally unprepared.
133
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:16,216
We need to start stocking up
on supplies, rations,
134
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,686
valuables we can use
to trade with other survivors.
135
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,954
That's gonna require
some cash.
136
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,022
Exactly.
137
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,624
We need
to get summer jobs.
138
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,792
Mm.
139
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,495
Act responsible
while everyone else gets crazy.
140
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:28,729
Or live it up.
141
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:31,465
We won't be around
to face the consequences.
142
00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,266
Y2K!
143
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,012
Something just clicked,
144
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,147
and I fell on board
with sunglasses.
145
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,517
I'm just jealous you actually
got to go somewhere this summer.
146
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,652
Not somewhere, Eddie.
Ball State.
147
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:52,720
Damn.
148
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,988
You were on
a college campus? Fun!
149
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,190
Oh, yeah.
We piled into the Suburban,
150
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,592
popped in some Reba,
151
00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,428
and Burger King'd our way
straight to my sister's dorm.
152
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:01,429
Ah.
153
00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:02,930
Eddie, that's it.
154
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,732
We'll take a family trip
to college.
155
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:06,534
That'd be sick!
156
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,936
Until Mom makes me take PSATs
the whole time.
157
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,370
I think
you'll be surprised.
158
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:11,705
Once your mom's
on campus,
159
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,173
you may see
a different side of her.
160
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,875
There's no chance
we're even getting there.
161
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:17,010
Mom always says
sleep is our vacation.
162
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,746
Trust me,
I know her weak spot.
163
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,080
Connie.
164
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:22,750
I know my weak spot --
toe massages.
165
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,787
Family trip
to California!
166
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,456
Oh, that's great.
Whose family?
167
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:29,557
Us.
Us family.
168
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,892
Dad's taking us
to visit Justin at UCLA.
169
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,193
He's in summer classes.
170
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,463
We can't.
We just got new jobs.
171
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:36,797
Use your vacation
and sick days.
172
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,298
They'll understand.
I'm a boss.
173
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,367
Dad just
Y2K'd our jobs.
174
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,636
Louis, we're saving
for college,
175
00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:44,204
not wasting money
to go visit one
176
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:45,739
on the other side
of the country.
177
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,941
My brother flies for Delta.
He'll get us free tickets.
178
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,477
We can stay with Justin --
no hotel.
179
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:50,811
And the best part?
180
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,146
If Eddie turns down UCLA
for Harvard,
181
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,282
you can rub it
in Connie's face.
182
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,822
Okay!
Pack your bags, boys.
183
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,857
We're going to college!
184
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:13,501
Does your roommate have
any diseases, Justin?
185
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:15,636
Ugh.
Never mind.
186
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:17,104
Justin: I assumed
when you called
187
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,772
it would be just Eddie
staying with me.
188
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,107
Well, that's why
you're in college --
189
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,441
to learn things
you didn't know.
190
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:23,410
Hey, how come
there's no sock on the door?
191
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,411
Kidding.
192
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,446
Amazing bookstore.
193
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:27,615
Oh, Marley, nice.
194
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,416
No woman, no cry...
mon.
195
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,351
Oh, sweet. I had one of these.
196
00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:34,087
Mine was red.
If it could talk, whoo.
197
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,289
Louis, calm down.
Where's Grandma and the boys?
198
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:37,858
She said
she needed the campus ATM
199
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,259
before they
went sightseeing.
200
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,494
They're here, too?
201
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,130
Great.
202
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:44,965
Fill out the form
and you'll get a credit card
203
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:46,299
and a free T-shirt.
204
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,702
Grandma, we don't have jobs
to pay these off, remember?
205
00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:49,837
Grandma: So?
206
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,312
Y2K.
207
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:00,380
She's right,
Emery.
208
00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:02,282
We tried to do
the responsible thing,
209
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,283
and it didn't matter.
210
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,152
Let's just live it up
while we can.
211
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,219
Y2K.
212
00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:08,622
We're rich!
213
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:10,357
Y2K!
Y2K!Y2K!
214
00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:12,359
Whoo!
215
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:14,728
Wow.
Your own fridge. Cool.
216
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:15,896
Louis:
We didn't have those
217
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:16,897
in my day.
218
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,732
You just had to
let stuff spoil.
219
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,034
Oh!
220
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:23,303
There she is.
It's all coming back.
221
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,805
Whoa.
What'd you just do?
222
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:25,873
Nothing.
223
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,641
Just trying to clean up
this hellhole.
224
00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:31,211
So, uh, J-bird,
the Huangs are at college!
225
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:32,412
What's the plan?
226
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,513
I have
a midterm today
227
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:34,882
and I was gonna use
the morning to study.
228
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:36,884
Please.
229
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,486
How hard can the tests be
at Eddie's safety school?
230
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:40,721
UCLA?
231
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:43,156
I got a 4.0,
good SAT,
232
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,825
and a rare sit-down
with the Dean of Admissions
233
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,159
and I still
got wait-listed.
234
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:47,494
It's not easy
to get into.
235
00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:50,698
Oh. Quick,
hide the Sambuca.
236
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:51,732
It's the RA.
237
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,767
This is Kip,
my roommate.
238
00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:56,604
This is my family.
They're staying with us.
239
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:58,105
Doesn't matter
to me.
240
00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:00,073
My midterms just posted.
I flunked out.
241
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,610
AP classes,
years of prep school,
242
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:04,077
valedictorian...
243
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:06,046
just to be back
in my dad's butcher shop,
244
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,448
cutting ham
for Mrs. Josephs.
245
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:09,750
Wait a minute.
246
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:12,686
So UCLA isn't a school
for dum-dums like you?
247
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,222
It's the Harvard
of California.
248
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,225
Okay,
new itinerary --
249
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,060
campus tour,
three class lectures,
250
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,729
and a meeting with
the Dean of Admissions.
251
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,363
Jessica, I thought
a meeting with the Dean
252
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,364
was impossible
to get.
253
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:25,733
I reached out
to your RV salesman.
254
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:26,734
He put in a call.
255
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,068
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
256
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:29,269
Yeah.
257
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,404
Apparently he's some kind of
a big deal around here.
258
00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:33,106
Did he sell RVs
in college?
259
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:34,107
It's industrious.
260
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,275
Dad, you said
261
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,777
Mom would be different
once we got here,
262
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:39,312
but College Mom
is even worse.
263
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:40,781
* I'm going, going
264
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,950
* Back, back to Cali, Cali
265
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,785
* I'm going, going
266
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:47,721
So, do you want to get a picture
with a "celebrity"?
267
00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:49,723
Marilyn Monroe?
Rocky?
268
00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:51,725
That guy with
a spot-on Whoopi Goldberg?
269
00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:53,393
I don't know,
we've spent a lot.
270
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:56,329
Grandma,
what's going on?
271
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,666
Me and Danny are going to
take the limo
272
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:00,333
and do
some adult things.
273
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,335
Uh, Grandma,
that's not Danny DeVito.
274
00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,738
Show them, Danny.
Do the Batman.
275
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,740
Wah-wah.
276
00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:09,509
So, you're just
gonna ditch us
277
00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:10,978
in the middle
of Los Angeles?
278
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,579
Oh, Y2K!
279
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,782
Every man
for themselves.
280
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:15,783
Again, Penguin!
281
00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:16,784
Wah-wah.
282
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:19,452
Have fun.
283
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,522
Do you ever worry
for Grandma's safety?
284
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,958
I worry
for that guy's safety.
285
00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,963
Uh, excuse me,
ma'am.
286
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:33,333
Uhp, looks like Jessica's
"Bruin" up another question.
287
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:35,869
Because it's the UCLA Bruins.
288
00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:38,138
Man, this girl is on a pun run
like I've never seen.
289
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,339
It's effortless.
290
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:41,341
Can you tell us
what the library hours are?
291
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:42,642
I can,
292
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:45,713
but the librarians have asked me
to keep it hush-hush.
293
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,480
Oh, you can't
teach this.
294
00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:49,149
A pimps
and hoes party?
295
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,318
Yes and yes.
Ooh,
sounds fun.
296
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:52,519
Eddie,
pay attention.
297
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:54,855
You need to remember
every detail about the school
298
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,990
so you can impress
the Dean of Admissions later.
299
00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:02,029
Hey, uh,
I know you mean well,
300
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,663
but maybe you can ease up
on Eddie.
301
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:04,832
Ease up?
302
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,499
I'm trying to get our son
focused on college.
303
00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,068
Well, you don't get
a donkey to a cornfield
304
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,069
by whipping him.
305
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,237
You show him
the corn --
306
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,505
"Hey donkey,
look at all this tasty corn!"
307
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,641
Donkeys don't eat corn.
Well,
something does.
308
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,643
I think you mean a pig.
A pig'll eat anything.
309
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:17,845
I know about pigs.
310
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:20,213
The point is this is
supposed to be fun for Eddie.
311
00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:22,883
College is not
supposed to be fun, okay?
312
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:24,151
Oh, is that so?
313
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,553
Um, excuse me,
uh, Pun Master,
314
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,655
have you ever had a student
get in trouble
315
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,190
for streaking
in the cafeteria
316
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,692
instead of studying
for her econ final?
317
00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:34,728
Louis,
don't do this.
Follow-up question.
318
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,429
You guys ever hear of
a Messy Jessie?
319
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:37,765
Get ready for this,
Eddie.
320
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,933
* ...leads to shots,
grit your teeth *
321
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:41,334
Drink.
322
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,703
* You run for cover so discreet,
why don't they *
323
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:46,039
Drink.
Tough one, Sarah.
324
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,541
Man,
I love Tuesdays.
325
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:51,444
What should we do with
this kayak that I "borrowed"?
326
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:52,780
And another time,
327
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:55,548
she got her hands on a huge tub
of industrial glue --
328
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:57,350
Okay, Louis,
that's enough.
329
00:11:57,384 --> 00:12:00,353
And now her son knows
that his mom was fun.
330
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,621
Pretty cool,
right, Eddie?
331
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:04,457
Uh...Eddie?
332
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:05,926
Where'd he go?
333
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,631
Emery:
After this,
334
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:14,134
I wanna see a TV taping
with a live studio audience.
335
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,770
What?
I'm not doing that.
Why not?
336
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:19,472
Because our time is finite,
and I don't wanna waste it
337
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:21,809
watching garbage
with a bunch of zoo people.
338
00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:23,476
I'm thinking
of becoming an actor.
339
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:25,112
You and everyone else.
340
00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,447
No, I wanna go
to Muscle Beach,
341
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,749
see where Arnold began
his political career.
342
00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:30,784
What's the point
of that?
343
00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,219
What's the point
in anything?
344
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,286
Y2K's coming.
345
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,888
Oh, poor baby.
346
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,124
Grandma got DeVito,
so you want some Arnold.
347
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:38,992
Better actor
than you'll ever be.
348
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,961
Maybe you're right.
349
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,262
The world's ending.
350
00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:44,497
Why care about anything?
Or anyone.
351
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:45,632
I'm out of here.
352
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:47,300
What?
Y2K!
353
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:48,601
Y2K!
354
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:55,508
If Eddie misses this meeting
and winds up at a Tier 3 school,
355
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,477
it's all your fault.
My fault?
356
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,980
You corrupted him
with all my old escapades,
357
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,949
which I never
wanted him to hear.
358
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,416
He took it
as free license
359
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,986
to ditch us
and run wild.
360
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:07,620
Exactly what I feared.
361
00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:09,356
Or I inspired him
to explore this campus
362
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:10,690
and all
it has to offer.
363
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,460
Hey, what's up?
And still show up
right on time.
364
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:16,696
Eddie, I'm sorry you had to
listen to those nonsense stories
365
00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:18,165
your dad told
the tour group.
366
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:19,499
Stories?
What stories?
367
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:21,201
The ones
about your mother?
368
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,170
Nah, I must've bailed
before that.
369
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,873
And yet he still made it
to his big meeting.
370
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,308
Because Eddie knows
that college is important
371
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,010
and he must
take it seriously.
372
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:32,045
Yeah, I was thinking
about that,
373
00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:34,481
and I don't wanna
go to college.
374
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:35,548
College sucks.
375
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:43,156
"College sucks"?!
Eddie!
376
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:45,859
Sorry.
Not just this one.
377
00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:46,994
All colleges.
378
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:51,198
As Dean of Admissions,
I am disappointed.
379
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:55,202
But as a man who thinks
he may have left the oven on...
380
00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:56,870
I'm thrilled.
381
00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,238
Seems like
a nice guy.
382
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,973
You had
Kareem's recommendation.
383
00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:01,474
His sky hook
of approval!
384
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,576
All you had to do
was come in and smile.
385
00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:07,380
I can't
smell anything.
386
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:10,750
I'm so angry,
I've lost my ability to smell.
387
00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:13,553
You guys
should be thanking me.
388
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:15,488
Now you don't have to
waste your money
389
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,590
sending me
somewhere I hate.
390
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:18,591
Nothing.
391
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:19,759
It's like
all my powers
392
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,328
have been drained
to fuel my rage.
393
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,330
Where have you been?
That tour
was so boring.
394
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,831
I had to find
something else to do.
395
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,166
You went
to that party.
396
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:27,767
That's how
this all happened.
397
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,436
He went there,
he got drunk,
398
00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:31,905
he lost his potential,
and now he hates college.
399
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:34,241
No, I went and found Justin.
He's my age.
400
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:36,576
I figured he might show me
how to have fun around here.
401
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:40,280
Another "Mr. Show"?
402
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:41,881
Seriously?
403
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:43,883
We've been watching TV
for hours.
404
00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:46,619
Isn't there anything else
you guys do?
405
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,788
We can all
take a nap again.
406
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,559
I thought that's
what you wanted.
407
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,394
Nice and easy,
sit around.
408
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:55,795
Recharge
from high school.
409
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:57,230
Yeah, it sounded good
in theory,
410
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:59,066
but that's all
they do here.
411
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:00,633
Turns out
I need a little more.
412
00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:04,304
I haven't seen one thing here
that doesn't suck.
413
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,073
I'm sorry.
College isn't for me.
414
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,207
It's lame.
415
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:10,743
This is a disaster.
416
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:13,546
He went from Tier 3 schools
to no schools at all.
417
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:14,547
He's going
backwards.
418
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,049
Well,
it's now or never.
419
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,384
If you're not
going to show our son
420
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,219
how to have a good time here,
then I will.
421
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,387
You?
422
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,754
What are you gonna do,
423
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:23,156
throw a Frisbee with him
on the quad?
424
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:25,458
You don't throw a Frisbee,
you slang it.
425
00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:27,894
Louis,
who are we kidding?
426
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,630
I let you play it up
in front of the kids,
427
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,565
but we both know
that in college,
428
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,001
you were a dork.
429
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,902
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's why Eddie needs you.
430
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:36,970
He is you.
431
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,138
No, Evan's me.
432
00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:41,341
Responsible, focused,
able to pull off argyle.
433
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:42,342
Argyle!
434
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:43,410
Evan is you now.
435
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:44,811
Eddie is
who you used to be.
436
00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:46,579
I could handle myself.
437
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,615
I knew
where to draw the line.
438
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:49,616
Eddie's not me.
439
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:50,783
No, he's not.
440
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,652
He's way better off
because you raised him.
441
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,921
Mistakes, regret, loss,
442
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,024
this is the place to start
to learn about that stuff.
443
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,591
And it'll only
help our kids to know
444
00:15:58,625 --> 00:15:59,859
that we
went through it, too.
445
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:02,029
And we survived
and evolved.
446
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,263
Same way he will.
447
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,799
Look, Jessica, someone needs
to show Eddie
448
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,635
that college
can be challenging
449
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:10,270
and soul-searching
and fun.
450
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:11,671
And that person
is you.
451
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:12,672
The old you.
452
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,641
Messy Jessie.
453
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:16,143
What do you say,
gunslinger?
454
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:21,148
...probably a huge tadpole
by now.
455
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:22,515
Man:
Nice, right?
456
00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:24,284
Wah-wah.
457
00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,057
* Got the wind in my hair
Arnold got his start here.
458
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,159
What are your
political aspirations?
459
00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:34,461
Which exercise
460
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:35,562
best preps
a young candidate
461
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:36,663
for the campaign trail?
462
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,366
How do you square
the Electoral College
463
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:40,667
with "1 Person, 1 Vote"?
464
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,037
* Since I was just a girl
465
00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:46,473
* I've traveled near and far
466
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:49,576
Man: Alright, I know you heard
this scene 15 times or so.
467
00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:51,844
But they're gonna run it
once more,
468
00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:53,746
so they need you
to act like
469
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:56,816
this is the first time
you're hearing these jokes!
470
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,351
All right?
Energy up.
471
00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:00,820
Oh,
this is nothing.
472
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:04,357
When Kelsey Grammer's
having a day, look out.
473
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,160
You sure
you can eat ramen dry?
474
00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:09,529
You can eat anything dry
if you chew enough.
475
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:15,034
Eddie, I have to
tell you something.
476
00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,837
I am Messy Jessie.
477
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:18,771
Who?
478
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,173
When I was in college,
479
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,109
I didn't
take it seriously.
480
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,011
I used to be
a madwoman.
481
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,614
I don't believe this.
What?
482
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,216
That you could fill
a water balloon
483
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:30,517
with shaving cream
instead of water
484
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:31,751
so you could actually
lift it?
485
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:34,121
No, I mean, yes, that is also
pretty mind-blowing,
486
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,623
but I'm talking about
how you were wild in college.
487
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:39,459
Occasionally,
I would let my hair down.
488
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,294
Until I shaved it all off
on a dare.
489
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,130
How come you never
told me all this?
490
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,898
Because there are some qualities
you see in your kids
491
00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:49,202
that you know they got from you,
and you are not proud.
492
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,237
So...
493
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:51,971
you're ashamed
I like to have fun?
494
00:17:52,004 --> 00:17:53,873
No,
it's not that.
495
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,575
It's just that maybe
496
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:58,044
if I had been more focused
the first time around,
497
00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,546
I wouldn't be
back in school now
498
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,080
trying to do it
all over again.
499
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,815
I don't want you
to have to do that.
500
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,083
Really?
501
00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:05,285
Because it seems to me
that the way you did it
502
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:06,319
is way more interesting.
503
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:08,755
You lived it up,
you had a family,
504
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:11,624
multiple careers,
still pushing yourself --
505
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:13,059
Okay, you're right,
I don't regret it.
506
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:14,761
I just don't want
to encourage you
507
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,095
to behave
the way I did.
508
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:17,830
I know,
I'm a hypocrite.
509
00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:19,232
No, cocky.
510
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:21,134
You think you're the only person
who could handle anything?
511
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,135
Yes.
512
00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,570
Because I am
battle-tested.
513
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:24,837
Not as much as me.
514
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:27,674
You could never handle
what I went through -- you.
515
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:31,077
Me versus me.
516
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,480
That is interesting.
Who would win?
517
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:34,481
Me.
518
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:35,515
You're crazy.
519
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,185
You call it
like you see it.
520
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,920
That is another quality
I am proud you get from me.
521
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,524
Well, I am glad
that Messy Jessie could help.
522
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,626
Now,
are you gonna tell me
523
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,261
what we're gonna do
with this cream balloon?
524
00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:49,362
Yes.
525
00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:53,132
As long as you promise
to only do it at Harvard.
526
00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:54,534
I don't know
about Harvard,
527
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,437
but maybe college
isn't as lame as I thought.
528
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,472
Okay. Stanford.
529
00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:00,607
Ready?
530
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,041
Evan:
Hey, look!
531
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:03,776
It's our little
movie star!
532
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,145
You make it big?
533
00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:08,114
No.
Hollywood sucks.
534
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,217
Yeah, turns out
a beachside gym
535
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,719
isn't the political think tank
you would expect.
536
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,221
And look at this.
537
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,888
Completely pumped out.
538
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:18,825
I won't be able to do
bis and tris till next week!
539
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,026
I thought being rich
540
00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:21,794
and not caring about anything
would be amazing.
541
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:24,130
Garfield makes it look
so easy.
542
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,632
Garfield's not rich.
543
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,900
He's cat-rich.
It's different.
544
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,336
It was all too much.
545
00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:31,738
The excess,
ignoring consequences,
546
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:33,039
never saying no.
547
00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:35,242
It's unsustainable.
You can't live life that way.
548
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,677
No one can.
Not even me.
549
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:39,646
Not even Danny DeVito.
550
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,648
Grandma,
that wasn't Danny DeVito.
551
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,983
Emery, they could've kissed.
Let her have it.
552
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,151
* Yeah
553
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,220
You know,
even if Y2K's coming,
554
00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:49,656
I'd rather spend
my last few days with you two,
555
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:50,923
just like we always do --
556
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,059
on the couch,
busting each other's yams.
557
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,563
Hey, if the world
doesn't end,
558
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:59,699
how are we gonna pay off
our credit cards?
559
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,734
I faked
my death before.
560
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,370
I can do it again.
561
00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:04,937
Hmm.
562
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,277
Look out below!
563
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:11,711
Nooooooo!
564
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:16,283
Messy Jessie!
565
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:22,522
If you were this crazy
in college,
566
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:24,957
I can't imagine what
"The Buffalo" was like.
567
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,459
Nope. Sorry.
That's R-rated.
568
00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:27,860
Louis,
I thought you said
569
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:30,630
good parenting was sharing
our past, not hiding it.
570
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:32,799
Oh, I say a lot of things
to get out of the doghouse.
571
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,301
Your dad
was a club guy.
572
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,468
He joined them all.
573
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,438
I am so excited.
574
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:39,806
Topiary Club!
575
00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,641
Or should we call it
Shrub Club?
576
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:44,076
Look out, nerds!
577
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:46,446
Coming through!
578
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:48,715
Are you here
for the club?
579
00:20:49,816 --> 00:20:51,451
Extracurriculars
are the wings
580
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:52,719
of a social butterfly.
581
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:53,786
Dad,
you're making it worse.
582
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,221
Oh, yeah?
I had a ton of sex.
583
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,889
No,
you did not.
I did, too.
584
00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,224
With who?
The bush club?
585
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,225
The Shrub Club!
586
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,960
Okay.
That's enough sharing.
41082
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