All language subtitles for Fresh Off the Boat (2015) - S06E01 - Help Unwanted (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 Silence)_Track03

United States versus China
in the World Cup Final?!

I'm going to forget
all about this in 24 hours,

but right now,
this is my world.

We're team USA,
right, Tina Pham?

Sure she was born in China,

but this is the only home
she's known.

It would be dope
if the U.S. won.

You know, finally stick it
to another country for once.

Hey,
don't discount China.

The way that pitcher
used her head

to bounce the ball
over the cage?

Resourceful
and unexpected.

That's China.

Did you say "pitcher"?

I really don't care
who wins this game.

Marvin:
You call this a game?

Where's the hitting?

Where's all the blood,
little Liza?

That's why I voted
to watch "Cops."

Can you guys keep it down?

All this commotion is
distracting Maria from eating.

Cool.

Just add yams to the list
of things you won't eat,

which so far is everything
but strawberries and crayons.

Honey, pipe down,
we can't hear the game.

If this is a game,

then "The English Patient"
is a war movie.

It's been 90 minutes
and no one has scored!

Oh, come on,
let the gals use their hands!

Relax, Marvin.
We're in overtime.

This'll be over
any second.

Announcer: And we're going
to penalty kicks.

If Brandi Chastain
makes this penalty kick,

the U.S. wins.

Chastain places the ball.

It all comes down
to this kick.

Goal!

USA wins!

And Chastain falls to her knees
in celebration!

What a picture-perfect
moment.

* Ooh, baby

Rushing off
to do his homework.

He may root for team USA,
but his blood runs red.

-- Captions by VITAC --

* Fresh off the boat

* I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go *

* If you don't know, homey,
now you know *

* Fresh off the boat

* Homey, you don't know
where I come from *

* But I know where I'm goin'

* I'm fresh off the boat

Hmm, proofreading
your dad's poetry again?

If only.

I'm trying to pick an elective
for 9th grade.

There's just so many
great options --

Photography, Yearbook,
Drama...

Ugh. Drama?

Woodshop? Ceramics?
Welding?

Are you starting high school
or prison?

Let me help you
narrow it down.

Thanks!

Good morning!

I was wondering
if you have any tips

for getting pureed carrots
out of linen?

Maybe finish chewing
before you talk?

They're from Maria.

When it comes to food,

she's more of a thrower
than an eater.

Mm,
like a soccer pitcher.

Eddie, you were supposed to
be up 30 minutes ago.

Did you sleep through
your alarm again?

Oh, I threw that garbage
in the river.

It's so loud.

Anyways, I'm starving.

Where those
breakfast dogs at?

I wish Maria
would eat like Eddie.

Mealtime
is always a battle.

I mean, especially now that
I have two kids to wrangle.

I wouldn't know.

Because I have three.

Why don't you trick her
with a treat?

Tempt Maria
with something she likes,

like strawberries,
and then while she's chewing,

shove in
a spoonful of beef.

Hmm...
I don't know...

Trust me, it works.

I do it all the time
with Eddie,

except in reverse.

Watch this.

Thanks, Ma.

See?
Now he eats fruit.

Guess who made
the front page of the paper?

Our girl Brandi!

* Ooh --

Nope!

What's up with Evan?

He just ran off
without checking the DOW.

Eddie: Ohh, I know.

Brandi Chastain
in a sports bra?

The way he acted
at last night's game?

Evan's got his first case
of "the tingles".

"The tingles"?

You know, Little Evan
is finally talking to Big Evan.

Ohh.
Ohh.

Ohh.

Yeah...

I -- I have gotta --

I have --

Okay...

Well, it's sooner
than we thought,

but I guess it's time
to give Evan

my patented talk,
"The Talk".

Good. Have fun.

Everything waist-down
is your territory.

I made that very clear
in our vows.

Hey. Do you still have that
"Flowers and Watering Cans" book

lying around somewhere?

You mean
the "Birds and the Bees" book

that Principal Hunter
gave me?

Yeah, it's for Evan's
"tingle talk".

I'm going to pretend like
I'm going to read from it,

then discard it
in dramatic fashion.

You know,
open with a "wow".

Wait.

You're going to give him
the exact same talk you gave me?

Do you remember
that talk?

Half the reason
I came to this country

is so you could have
lots of sex.

Stay away from Arkansas,

they outlawed
all the fun stuff...

If you pretend like
you have a bad back,

you don't have to do
so much work.

You can't give Evan
that talk.

Why?
It was a great talk.

Oh, it was the best talk.
You killed it.

But Evan's
not chill like me.

He's an innocent
little dove.

If you come at him like that,
his head might explode.

Hmm.
Okay, point taken.

I'll make
some adjustments.

You know, Evan it up.

I don't know.

You're going to make it
weird for him.

Maybe I should do it.

Evan looks up to me.

I'm kinda like
his father figure.

What?

No.
I'm his father figure.

You're barely
a son figure.

Oh, God,
I didn't mean that.

You're a great son.

It's just -- it's my job,
stay out of it.

Really.
You're great.

Solid son.

Notice anything?

Yes. Everything.

What?

No stains!

I tricked Maria
using a treat,

and I got her to eat
a few bites of chicken.

Your advice was great!

Well, water is wet.

I am beautiful.

Are we just playing a game

in which we say things
we already know?

Well, thank you.

I owe you one.

Is that your
mother-in-law?

What did she say?

Who knows.

She always yells
across the house at me

and then gets annoyed
when I can't understand her,

and yells again.

It makes it so hard
to ignore her twice.

Two more yells

until the stray dogs
start barking back.

Still better
than my father-in-law,

the gesticulator.

He's like one of those,
like, inflatable tube men

at the car wash.

Except a tube man
wouldn't punch through

the last self-portrait
your Nana ever painted.

Should I take Yearbook
or Drama or German?

"Ask again later"?!

Uh...is Emery okay?

He's still trying
to choose an elective.

I hope
he figures it out soon

because I can't study
with all these interruptions.

Man: Hot dog!

Now your favorite food
is your favorite toy!

Eddie:
Where you going, nerd?!

Sorry, it just rolls off
the tongue at this point.

These are my props
for "The Talk".

I thought about
what you said

and realized that Evan's
more of a visual learner.

Is that a --

A conch shell
I painted hair on?

You bet your ass it is.

Okay,
I really think all this

is just gonna
confuse Evan.

Come on, Eddie.

I thought you were
supposed to be chill.

Relax, I got this.

Evan?

Yes, Papa?

Aww...

Oh. Nothing.

I couldn't do it.

I don't know what happened!

I choked!

Don't worry, Pops.

Eddie's got this.

Yo, Evan. Listen up.

Yes, Brother?

Has he always been
this adorable?

He had one bad Saturday
a couple years ago.

Other than that, yup.

Afternoon, Mother!

Well, you're
in a better mood today.

That I am!

Why are you shouting?

I'm "projecting".

It's a technique actors use
to be heard across the room.

I'm not following.

I talked to Honey,

and she helped me pick
an elective -- Drama!

She did what?!!

Now you're projecting!

Did you take Drama, too?

You!

What did you say
to him?!

Wh--

Emery said that
after he talked to you,

he signed up for Drama!

Oh, good! I'm glad
he finally picked something.
No.

Drama is
a garbage elective.

I -- I thought
you just wanted him to choose?

Well, I didn't think he would
choose something so useless.

That's right up there
with Spanish or CPR Training.

Jessica, I know how you feel
about the arts,

but there are aspects of Drama

I think really
could help Emery --

What exactly
did you say to him?

That it would be "fun"?

Help him utilize
his "imagination"?

Get in touch
with his "feelings"?

Why are you using
air quotes?

Those are real words.

Are they, "Honey"?

Look, Emery was stressed
about his electives,

and it was obviously
stressing you out, too.

And you had been
so helpful with Maria,

I just wanted
to repay the favor.

Well, if you want
to do me a favor,

just stay in your lane.

Really?

Because you never
stay in your lane.

Name one time
I haven't.

How about the time you threw out
all of my Shania CDs

because you said country-pop
wasn't a real thing?

Or the time you tried
to have my first name changed?

Or the time
you casually suggested

I would be happier
with a younger man?

Casually?

I gave you Eddie's
basketball coach's number.

Look,
as misguided as that was,

I knew you were just
looking out for me.

That's what good friends do.

You see a chance to help
and you do it.

You don't ask
for permission.

Oh, so we don't have
to ask for permission

to help each other?

Good,
because there have been

so many times
I wanted to help you,

but I held back.

This has been
you holding back?

Well, I can't help you
with everything, Honey.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, well,
if you think I need help,

then by all means,
don't hold back.

You shouldn't.

Neither should you.

No more lanes.
Mm.

Because we're
such good friends.

The best.

Mm.

This headband
is wrong for you...friend.

It draws attention
to your weird hairline.

Thank you...friend.

And now let me help you.

This necklace is ugly,

and it highlights
your oversized clavicles.

You were right.

Evan is
an innocent little dove.

I can't see him as anything

but the little boy
who plays with Beanie Babies.

And where did that cute
puppy night-light come from?

Innocent Boys 'R' Us?

Billion-dollar idea
but try to stay focused.

"The Talk" is going to be harder
than I thought.

I don't think
I can go back in by myself.

Maybe we could team up.

Two heads are always
better than one.

K-Ci is nothing
without JoJo.

No idea who they are,

but based on context,
yes, good plan.

We flank Evan from both sides,

and we turn the last Huang boy
into a Huang man.

So weird, but okay.

Evan, we need to talk to you
about something.

Oh no.

There's a hole
in the foot of my jammies.

Hello, Ernie The Toe!

We can't talk to him
on an empty stomach.
Hmm.

What are we?
People who don't need to eat?
Thank you.

We just need to get
the exact words down on paper.

After that,
we talk to Evan.

Yeah. We're not scared!

But...

maybe we should
clear our heads first

with an 8:20 showing of
"The Sixth Sense."

Yes, smart.

We follow that up with
"Notting Hill" at 10:15,

then we buckle down.

Okay...

Okay, little Liza,
your bottle is almost ready...

Gosh, Honey,
juggling two kids looks hard.

As your friend,
I thought

keeping one occupied
with a fun toy might help...

...to stimulate
her mind.

Since she's not
walking yet.

Oh, good, you're up.

Since you're having a hard time
with Eddie oversleeping,

as a friend,

I thought
I'd lend a helping hand

in the form of
a military wake up.

Anybody in the mood
for some "Hello Dolly"?

Ow!

hurt
like a

I know.
Your house, it's a mess.

You've been so preoccupied
with the kids

that you've let
everything slide.

That's why I thought
I would help

by inviting your in-laws
to stay.

Can't hurt to have an extra set
of gesticulating hands.

What? You --

You invited
Mervin and Candy?

Yes.

I love what you've done
with the place.

It's so open and --

It fell.

Ohh. Honey,
that is not childproof.

Thanks, Candy.

My hairline is gorgeous.

Where's Dad's pomade?

I'm playing Danny Zuko
in "Grease"!

It's electrifying!

Grandma:
We have the house surrounded!

Come out with your hands up!

I got your mother-in-law
a megaphone.

Now you don't have to worry
about Jenny yelling

and not understanding her.

Grandma:
Did you like my joke?

It was me.

I was the police.

In conclusion,

there are religious, social,
and cultural reasons

for the procedure,

but as far as how
it affects sensitivity,

the jury's still out
on that one.

Okay, so, getting to first base
means kissing.

Second base --

You don't want to know
what second base was like

in the Navy.

Ours was based on naval bases,
not baseball bases.

You know,
I almost got to Pearl Harbor

with the Captain's daughter.

I sorta get the conch shell,
but why the tongs?

Oh, I was just returning those
to the restaurant.

You know, guys,
the problem with your talk

is there's too much talk.

You're gonna lose Evan.

Now, when my old man did it,
he just used hand gestures.

Boom.
Facts of life.

Why do you and your dad
look like brothers?

Oh, well, that's the way
it works in the Ellis family.

You know,
by the time we're 25,

we look like
we're old men,

and then we just coast
the next 70 years.

It's the curse
that keeps on blessing.

I've had crow's feet
since I was in college.

I'm just thankful
my sisters gave me the talk

because I'm not following
any of this.

Trent,
you beautiful red beast!

That's brilliant!

Maybe what we need
is a woman's perspective.

And that's how
you pleasure a woman.

Emotionally and sexually.

I don't feel comfortable
saying any of that to Evan.

I should have taken
notes.

I'm just trying
to erase the visuals.

And the sound effects
were totally unnecessary.

We're worse off
than when we started.

Maybe we have to rethink
the talk altogether.

Yeah, and why are
we rushing into things?

Evan's still young.
So young.

Just a lamb, really.

Yeah,
we've got plenty of time.

Grandma, do you mind

if I store
my Beanie Babies in here?

I'm reaching an age
where I need some privacy.

You do it!
No, you do it!

I'll do it!

No!No!

Evan, your dad and Eddie

need to have
a little talk with you.

Not here, though.

This is already too much
family time for today.

And they say you can't reuse
your maternity clothes.

I'm Sandy from "Grease."

I came over to help
Emery run lines.

Why do you look like
a low-rent "Pretty Woman"?

Oh, I just bought
a few dozen turtlenecks

to help you
with your clavicle problem.

What do you think
of my costume?

I just need help sewing
the Rydell "R" on my sweater.

I'll help you.
No, I'll help you.

My Danny Zuko
letterman sweater!

Thanks, Honey.

You wanted some drama
in his life,

now you have it!

Hello! I have a megaphone!

Look at what you did!
Me?
Look at what you did!

I came over here to help.
As a friend.

Well, maybe we're the type
of friends who work best

when we don't help each other
with anything!

That is not
what friends do.

Well, then maybe
we're not friends!

Maybe we're not!

Here.

I'd lend you my sewing machine
to fix Emery's sweater,

but, sadly, that's a thing
only friends do.

That's fine.

I already have
two sewing machines of my own.

So, um...

that's it...

That's how it all works.

Do you...
have any questions?

Not really,

I actually know
all of that already.

You do?

Then why'd you let Dad
take out the shell?

I was confused of what
was going on inside of me,

so I went to the library
and microfiched like a fool.

Oh.

Okay, good, but, um,
if you ever need to talk,

you could always
come to me.

Or me.

Or...both of us.

And if you guys
ever need to talk,

I'm here, too.

At the library,
I learned Dad's at the age

where his man parts
start failing

and Eddie's a year away
from his sexual peak.

* Yeah

Apparently,
it's all downhill from there.

* No

Okay, off you go.

Hola, mi amor.

Why?

Do I and my perfectly functional
man parts

need an excuse to spend
some alone time with my wife?

Can we table whatever it is
you're going through right now?

Honey is trying to turn Emery
into a homeless.

By encouraging him
to take Drama?

That's how it starts.

She says she's helping me
as a friend,

but all she's doing
is overstepping.

Do you know how it feels
to be around somebody so pushy?

Mm...

I just don't see how Honey
thinks that she can help me.

Well, maybe you're just
underestimating her.

You're used to your relationship
being one way

and now it's changing.

It's like that time
I gave Evan "The Talk".

You mean just now?
Yes.

Did he already
know everything?
Yes.

Did he teach you stuff,
too?
Yes.

You know, I always figured
that being his father

automatically made me
the teacher.

But I'm realizing
that he'll teach me things, too,

because he's going through
big life changes.

And so is Honey.

It only makes sense

that your relationship
would evolve.

So, back to my man parts,

which I said
are fully functional.

And have
a can-do attitude.

Great, Louis.

See you in the bedroom.

Honey, I need
your sewing machine.

Hey, let me help you.

It's okay.

Please.

Here.

You know, I have to say,

the blocks
you brought over

did keep Maria distracted
while I fed Liza.

And Marvin's bugle worked.

Eddie's so afraid
of hearing it again,

now he gets up
even earlier.

Well, what about
Jenny's megaphone?

I threw that garbage
in the river.

Honey, this may come
as a surprise to you,

but I'm not very good
at accepting help.

Mostly because
I never need it.

Never?

I'm just so used to being able
to give you advice

and you just taking it.

But now that you have
two kids of your own --

which is still
one less than three --

I guess you'll have advice
to give me, too, sometimes.

So...
can we be friends again?

Yes.

Just know that 98% of the time,
I won't need any help.

Oh.

Well, I'll be there
for that 2%.

Okay.

Good as new.

Thank you, Honey.

Emery's been a lot happier
since he started Drama-ing.

You know who else took
high school drama?

Bill Clinton.

No.
Yeah.

And Richard Nixon.

Well, if it's good enough
for Tricky Dick,

it's good enough
for Emery.

I owe you guys an apology.

I shut you out because I was
avoiding having a conversation

I wasn't mature enough
to have yet.

But if I'm really
going to be a man,

I'm gonna have
to start acting like one.

So, let's talk.

When a Beanie Baby
reaches a certain age...

Oh, god, have you guys
always been this cute?

I can't do this.

Grandma, you're up.

Evan, you're gonna
want to take a walk.

I'm sorry, Brandi.

All right, first base...