All language subtitles for My.Dead.Ex.S01E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪

[phone camera clicking]
[banging on door]

- What is going on in there?
You're taking forever.

- Yeah, yeah, I'll be out
in a second, one sec.

[phone camera clicking]

- Seriously!
This is an emergency!

I've gotta take the biggest--
- Shit.

- What?
- My cover's blown,

Bethany just caught me
checking her out.

- It blows my mind that
you're into Bethany Fowler.

You guys are so different.

- I don't know what it is.
She just makes me want

to put a "Make America
Great Again"

hat on, and have loud, sweaty,

fiscally responsible sex
with her.

[sighs] Anyway, how about you?

How's your budding
YA romance novel going?

- Um, it's yet to be published.

I don't know what's going on.

- Hey, Charley.
- Morning, Lizbeth.

Luke won't give me
the time of day.

Like, literally, yesterday
I asked him what time it was,

and he just ignored me.

- Ouch. Well maybe
he's a senior-ist?

- Konnichiwa, Charley-san.
- Oh, konnichiwa, Ichiro.

Um, what's a senior-ist?

- Somebody who's racist towards
people who aren't seniors.

- That's not a thing.
Good morning. What's up?

- Since when do you know
sign language?

- Um, a couple weeks now.

I thought I'd make
Dylan feel more included.

You know how many kids
sign here?

None. It's gotta
be hard for her.

- I'm sorry Charles, but this
is an intervention.

You're addicted
to getting people to like you.

- It's not an addiction,
there are plenty of kids

who I don't need to like me.

- Hi Charley. Wren.

- Case in point.

Ben, what are you doing?
That's not your locker.

- Oh, it is now.
I bribed Wallace the janitor

to let me have it
so we can be closer together.

- And what did he do with
the other person's stuff?

- I don't know,
probably moved it to my locker.

Listen, Charley, there's
something I wanted to ask you.

We've known each other
for a while now,

and I feel like we have
this connection, you know?

Like we're meant to be
together, cosmically.

- Right.
- I guess what I'm asking is,

um... what are you-- what are
you doing?

- Oh, well I keep track

of how many times
you've asked me out,

so it looks like
we are up to 56.

- Oh, 56 times, wow.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm not great at math, but if
you've asked me out 56 times,

and I've said no 56 times,

then that would mean that
I rejected you--yeah, 56 times.

- Actually, it would
only be 55 times,

because you haven't said
no to me yet.

- I'm sorry, did you just say
"only 55 times"?

- Sure. I'll ask Charley out
156 times

if there's a slight chance
that she might say yes to me.

- Jesus, man. What is wrong
with you? She's not interested.

When are you gonna
let that sink in?

I mean, she's never,
ever, ever gonna say--

- Yeah.
- Huh?

- Ben has a good point.
- "Huh?"

- Yeah, I'll go out with you.

But it's one time,
and it's just for coffee.

- Okay, um, cool, cool, yeah.

- Most important part, Ben,
is that you have to promise me

that you're never going
to ask me out again.

- Oh, totally!
- Say it.

"I will never
ask you out again."

- I will never
ask you out again,

'cause I won't need to.

- Okay. Awesome.
- All right. Okay.

- I will pick you up at 5:00.
- 5:00, yeah. Works for me.

Hey, uh, I'll be there.

- What the hell are you doing?
- What else am I gonna do?

He's not gonna stop, otherwise.

- Uh-huh.

You know when you're wearing
a pair of really nice shoes,

and you accidentally step
into a pile of dog shit,

and no matter what you do,
no matter how

hard you clean them,
there's still

that lingering
smell of dog shit?

Well, you stepped
in a big pile of Ben,

and that smell's
never coming off.

[building organ chords]

♪

- And not be seen in public
with you, yeah, very cool, Ben.

[violin playing]

- Ah, Ms. Albright, welcome.

You look ravishing, as always.

- Ben, what the hell is this?

It was just supposed
to be coffee.

- No, there's coffee too.

Look, I really just wanted
to impress you.

Hey, you're already here,
there's delicious food,

the weather's perfect.

Please, stay.
Just let me impress you.

These are for you.

Okay.
I got you.

All right. Okay.

Ah.

[violin music continues]

I couldn't afford
a real violinist,

so I asked my neighbor to help.

Thanks, Dr. Metzenbaum.

Bon appétit.

- Grilled cheese?
- Yup.

It's Gruyère
with caramelized onions

and artisan bread that I cooked
in rosemary butter.

- You--you made this yourself?
- I did.

Dig in, before it gets cold.

- Stop judging me, Ben.
- No, I'm not.

- Yes you are, you're silently
judging me

with your little silent
"judgey-judger" eyes.

Stop.
- No, no, it's just...

you'd rather get the perfect
photo than enjoy the food

in the way it's supposed
to be enjoyed?

I don't get it.
- Of course you don't.

Okay, so, say this sandwich,
best sandwich

I've ever had--hot,
delicious, it's amazing.

How long does
that enjoyment last?

Okay, now, say I take a photo
of it, and I share it on

Instagram, then everybody
can enjoy its beauty forever.

Oh, my God.

- Can't share that
on Instagram.

- Wait, Ben,
this is incredible.

- Yeah, I thought it'd be nice
to serve you a gourmet version

of something we used to eat
when we were kids.

Oh, speaking of, check it out.
You still have yours?

- Yeah, I'm--somewhere
in my room, in a box, maybe.

- Oh.

I wear mine every day, to
remind me of what I once had.

- Okay, look, Ben,

I'm--I'm really flattered that
you like me as much as you do,

but fourth grade was, like,
a really long time ago,

and I just--I don't feel...

I don't feel that way anymore.

- Because you're into
Luke now.

- Um, how--what--how
did you know that?

- I see the way you look
at him.

I just don't get it.

Why Luke? He's so obvious.

- No he's not,
he's not obvious.

I...I don't know.

Whenever I think about him,
I just get...I don't know.

You wouldn't understand, Ben.

- Whenever you think about him
you get this nervous,

jittery feeling,

like you're five years old

and it's the night
before your birthday.

There's this electricity
pulsing through your body.

It's...it makes simple
tasks impossible.

You can't walk
in a straight line,

you can't form
complete sentences,

but...it doesn't matter.

The only thing that
matters is holding on

to that feeling
as long as possible,

because that nervous
jittery feeling?

It's what reminds
us we're alive.

- Yeah.
Something like that.

You know what would be
really good with these?

Tomato soup.

Remember we used to eat
it when we were younger?

So good.
- Actually, I was waiting

for you to say that,
because I've prepared

tomato soup.
I'm just forgetting

one crucial ingredient.
- Don't say magic.

Don't say magic.

- Magic.

Hold this, please. Hmm?

Yup. All right.

Alakazam, alakazoop, please
give my girl some tomato soup.

Ooh.
Uh, okay,

I don't know what's
going on.

I practiced that all day
and it was working, I promise.

Just one second, just...oh!

- To living a Ben-free life.
- Mmm.

That's good.

It's like the chocolate sauce,
the potato chips,

and the ice cream are all
having a threesome in my mouth,

except without
all the awkwardness

that usually comes
with a threesome.

Everyone's getting the right
amount of attention.

- Damn. You're really killing
it with the metaphors today.

- Told you.
Dog shit on a shoe.

- What do you want, Ben?
- I did it, Charley.

- You did what?

- I just set up
a social media account.

I'm about to post
my first picture.

It's gonna be epic.
- Ben, what's that noise?

Where are you?
- I don't want to say too much.

It will spoil the surprise.
Look, Charley, I gotta go.

I'll talk to you later, okay?
- No, Ben, Ben just--

So apparently Ben has set up
a social media account.

- And just four years
after my Grandma, hmm.

Good for him.

What's wrong?
- I don't know. Nothing.

Like, Ben has a social media
account, it's no big deal.

Like, what's the worst
that could happen?

- A local boy died tonight

uploading his first
social media post.

17-year-old
Reseda Hills resident

Benjamin Bloom was trying
to take a photo of himself

posting with some graffiti

he spray painted onto
the billboard behind me,

when he lost his balance
and plunged 100 feet

to the concrete below.

A tragedy police are referring
to as "death by selfie."

[pensive organ music]

♪

- Wow. It's beautiful.

- Not half as beautiful as you.

- You're such a dipshit, Ben.

- I know.
And look.

I have one for me too.

Got 'em from some
old lady downtown.

She was weird,
smelled like cheese.

Said they got some kind
of magic spell on them

or something.
You put them on,

you'll be in love forever.

- I love it, Ben.
- I love you, Charley Albright.

Forever.

- Okay cookie,
I'm heading out now.

Won't be back for dinner,
I gotta work late.

- Okay.
Sounds good, Mom.

- Hey, I'm sorry about
your friend, Charlotte.

He was always such a sweet boy.

- Mom, you said he gave
you the creeps.

- Yes, but in a sweet way.

Hey, I saw you got a bump in
Instagram followers this month.

Because I read that 35%
of college admissions offices

are now looking at social media
to learn about applicants.

Personal branding
is so important,

so...okay, keep it up.

- Thanks, Mom.

[indistinct conversations]

- Thank you for coming.
- Of course.

- Hi Mr. and Mrs. Bloom.

- Charley, dear.
Oh, it is so good to see you.

We haven't seen you in ages.

- I just--I wanted to say
I'm really sorry for your loss.

Ben was, um...
he was one of a kind.

- He really was, wasn't he?
You should eat, Charley.

How about potato salad?
Do you like potato salad?

We have mountains of it,
so please feel free

to take some home
with you too,

and there's pies, and cookies,

and I have the boxes
still in the kitchen,

so make sure
you grab some, okay?

Oh, but before you do that,
maybe you'd say a few words?

If you could do that, Charley?
It would mean a lot.

- Yeah. Sure.

- Oh, thank you so much.
Everyone quiet down.

Benji's ex-girlfriend Charley
has agreed to say a few words.

- I'm sorry,
I agreed to do what?

- Oh, it's okay dear,

just say whatever your heart
tells you to say.

- Okay. Um...

I'm Charlotte Albright.
- Louder!

- I am--I'm Charlotte Albright,
and um...

you know--I dated Ben
in fourth grade,

so it was a long time ago.

I would hardly consider me
his, like, ex-girlfriend.

Um, is that...

is that a painting
of me riding a unicorn?

- Benji did that
a couple of years ago.

I liked it so much,
I had it framed.

- Um, I think Ben had
a skewed perception of me.

You know, the Charley
in his head

wasn't really
an honest reflection

of who I--who I really am,

but that's what
made him so great.

He had this, just,
hopeful naiveté to him.

And, you know, he could be,
like, a little annoying...

just very, very annoying,

but also he was weirdly poetic.

You know, he just--he saw
the world a bit different

than the rest of us.

And he was really kind.

And smart.

Tenacious.

But yeah, I'm really gonna miss
having him around to annoy me.

- Hey Charley.
- Hey, hi. What's up?

- That was a great speech.
- Thanks.

Um, what are you doing here?

- Whoa.
- No, I--look,

I didn't mean
to come off accusatory,

I'm just...yeah, seriously,
what are you doing here?

- Came to pay my respects
to Ben's family.

Is that okay?
- Yeah, no, of course.

I just didn't know
you knew Ben.

- Yeah, through

the after-school
tutoring program.

Pre-calculus.
- Right. He was your tutor.

- I was his tutor, actually.
- Oh, geez.

- Wow, then, you just think
I'm some big,

dumb, oblivious jock,
don't you?

- Sorry.
- Nah.

Believe me, I'm used to it.

He talked about you
all the time, you know.

- Like, with you? Really?

I don't know, I just didn't
know you knew who I was.

- I did.
I mean, I do.

I mean, I wanted
to talk to you,

but out of respect for Ben,
I didn't want him

to think I was flirting
with you or something.

- That--that's why you
ignored me, got it.

My friend just thought you were
racist towards non-seniors.

- Your friend thought
I was racist?

- No. No!

No, no, no, she said--nothing.

You could've just talked to me.
It wouldn't have been flirting.

- Yeah well, I'm not sure
I could've helped myself.

Uh...look, I, um...

I know this might not be
the most tactful thing to ask,

considering where
we are, uh...but...

- He said, he was like,
"Can I maybe, like, possibly,

I don't know, like,
maybe have your number?"

It was--it was very--
it was very cute.

Very cute.

- Well, did you give
it to him?

- Yeah, of course.
- Oh, my God,

you picked up a boy at a wake.

You bitch.
I love it.

- Today has been such a roller
coaster of emotions.

It's like obviously very sad
because Ben died,

but also really great
because Luke was there,

but you know, really,
really sad because Ben died,

but like--just amazing
because Luke was there

and we really connected,
but sad because Ben died.

So I--God, it's so messed up
having something so tragic

and something, like, so amazing
happening simultaneously.

- That's my life story.

I was born on September 11th,
remember?

[glass shatters distantly]

- What was that?

- Wait, did you hear that too?

- Yeah, it sounded
like glass breaking.

Is it your Mom?

- No, that's impossible.
She zonked out on Ambien.

Like, nothing
is waking that woman up.

I'm gonna check it out.
- Are you insane, Charles?

Stay where you are.
- No, I can't.

What if something's wrong?
I can't just, like,

hide out in my room.
- Okay...

but I'm coming with you.

- Holy shit!

Oh, my God.

What?
[stammers squeakily]

[whispering] Wren, there's
somebody in my house.

What do I do?

- Okay, this is what
you're going to do.

Look around, find something
you can use as a weapon,

then calmly and quietly make
your way out of your house.

I'm gonna call 911, and listen
to me, you're gonna be okay.

You hear me?
You're gonna be okay.

I love you, Charles.
- I love you, Wren.

Okay, bye.

[screams]

[panting]

- Hey Charley.
I'm back.

- [screams]

How did you--what--how--how?
How, how, Ben, how?

- I don't know, okay?

One moment I'm plummeting
100 feet to my death,

and the next I'm crawling
through 6 feet of dirt.

- What--why did you come here?
Why not go to your own house?

- I don't know,
it was just like...

as soon as I crawled
out of my grave

I felt this intense pain,
like my whole body was on fire.

The closer I got to your house,
the better I felt.

It's like I was being guided
by some unknown force.

[knocking]

- Oh, that's probably
the police.

Wren said
she'd call them, and--

- No!
No, what are you doing?

- What--what do you mean?
This is a great thing.

Maybe they can help us
figure out what is going on.

- No, they're not gonna
help us.

They're gonna call
the government,

and then a bunch of white vans
are gonna pull up,

and guys in big yellow plastic
suits are gonna jump out,

and take me to some
secret underground lab

run by a brooding scientist

who's gonna perform sinister
experiments on my person.

Have you ever seen any movie
that came out in the 80's?

- Fine.

Good evening officer.

- Ma'am, I'm responding
to a--wait!

Charley?

Charley Albright.
It's me, Mitch.

Mitch Maloof, remember?

I used to work at the frozen
yogurt place you go to.

I used to give you
the employee discount

even though
you didn't work there.

- Right. Um, so you're not
slinging fro-yo anymore, Mitch?

- Nah, I got fired.

They told me I lacked
the mental capacity

to handle the toppings bar,

whatever that means.

Anyway, I'm a cop now,
which is way easier.

Plus, I get a gun.

- Awesome.
- [laughing] I know.

So, reason I'm here...
evidently, we received

a 911 call and the caller said,

and I quote,

"Oh God, oh God,
you gotta help,

"there's a crazy man
inside my friend's house.

"Oh God, I told her
she was gonna be okay,

"but it was all a lie,
she's probably already dead,

"chopped up
into little tiny pieces.

Oh God, oh God."

Unquote.

- Yeah, you know,
I called my friend Wren.

It was just a misunderstanding.
I'm okay.

- So--okay.
So there...

there's no crazy man
inside your house?

- No, I'm all alone.
- [groans]

- What was that?

- Mitch, I'm gonna need
to wrap this up.

- If you're in danger,
and you need help

and you can't say
anything, blink twice

and I will help you.

Okay.

You have yourself a nice night,
and uh, please,

tell your friend only call 911
in case of an emergency.

- I will.
Okay, have a good night.

- [panting]

- God, what are you doing?

You almost ruined
the whole thing.

- I don't know what happened.

I walked over there
to pick up that candlestick,

and I felt that intense pain.

Oh, my God.

Do you think,
now that I'm dead,

I'm allergic to candlesticks?

- What? No.
- Oh.

Oh, yeah.
No, you're right.

Wait.

How long have you been
wearing that necklace?

- I don't know, since
some time this afternoon.

- Oh, my God, that's it--okay.
- [mumbling]

- It's the necklace.
Look, do you remember

when I bought these from that
weird old woman downtown?

The one that smelled like Brie?
Or was it...was it Camembert?

I don't know, my palette
wasn't as refined.

God, I know it was
a soft cheese, but--

- Ben! Ben, just please
get to the point, please.

- Sorry, um, that old woman,
she said something about

these necklaces being enchanted
with a love spell.

Charley, these necklaces
are the reason I'm back.

- Magical necklaces?

That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

- I know, but if you have
a better reason

for why you're talking
to a dead kid in your kitchen,

then I'm all ears.

- So what's with the intense
pain and moaning?

- I don't know, maybe they have
to be close enough

to each other to work?
- How close?

Okay, just tell me when
you start to feel anything.

- Okay.
- Okay?

[screaming] Okay!
- Okay, how far is that?

- Um, 30 feet.

- Okay, and you're sure
you can't go--

- Stop! What are you doing?
Are you crazy?

- All right, 30 feet it is.
Okay.

- It's like those old walky
talkies we used to play with

when we were kids, you know?

They get a certain distance
apart and they stop working.

- So what happens if we're more
than 30 feet apart

for an extended period of time?

- I don't know,
and I don't want to find out.

- Well, if they only work
when they're together,

why don't you just
wear them both.

- I can help. Here,
let me--let me, I got you.

I got--just open the back.

- Ben.
- All right, okay.

- Ben, stop. Stop.
- Sorry, just trying to help.

Look, maybe it's part of the
spell, you know?

They're fused together.
You can't take it off.

- Oh, my God, this just keeps
getting dumber and dumber.

So what does that mean?

- Two things, really.

Number one, we're gonna
have to find that woman,

and figure out what's going on,
and...

- And two?

- We can't be more
than 30 feet apart.

I can't believe that this is
happening right now.

It's like something out
of a fairy tale, you know?

Like two young lovers,
separated by death,

only to be brought back
by magical amulets.

I mean, what?

This is the single greatest
day of my life, honestly.

- Motherf...

[Frills' "My Love"]

♪

- ♪ Forget my manners,
trying to kick the habit ♪

♪ I'll burn down the bridges,
'cause everyone's had it ♪

♪ Everything
but the kitchen sink ♪

♪ I'm tripping on
what you think ♪

♪ Gather round,
put your money down ♪

♪ We get what we pay for

♪ My love

♪ You got away from me

♪ You got away
from me ♪

♪ And it don't come for free

♪ My love

♪ You got away from me

♪ You got away
from me ♪

♪ And it don't come for free