Original subtitles

Mega's gonna kill you,

so no matter what happens, you gotta stay in the cell.

I have to stay in the cell.

Gotta stay in the cell.

I have to stay in the, wait a minute.

The only way to stay safe

is stay in the cell.

You gonna look after me?

You're leaving the cell.

Oh my god.

Pathetic.

And that's when I knew every choice has consequences.

Oh, Mega.

You're good, my brother?

I will be.

When I get my hands on Mobeen.

But he never leaves his cell.

You've gotta get him to leave his cell, chippy.

I'm running outta favors, Mega.

You run outta favors when I say you run out of favors.

This fucking toenail.

Excuse me for minute, Chippy.

That's how you deal with irritating little bastards.

You get them out.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Get Mobeen out of his cell

and bring him to me.

You see this game you're playing, yeah?

It's putting me in mortal danger.

You love the madness, Moonpig.

I do not.

Oh, there's a one in six chance of you actually dying,

and they're pretty good odds.

Listen to me, eh?

I'm not some plump yet yet fat sexy stallion

whose life you're betting on, okay?

If something happens to me, then you,

you've got the blood of a brown man on your hands.

Yeah, it won't be the first time.

Relax, you're with an officer, you'll be fine.

Every time I come out here, you facilitate me

getting spanked within an inch of my life every day.

"Yeah, Mobeen, you love it.

"You love it."

You're giving me tingles.

Uh-uh.

Look, just make sure you have a nice little chat

with Memory Stick so we can get to calm, all right?

What the fuck am I supposed to talk to him about?

Avril Lavigne?

You what?

Yeah.

That's what Shady says he's into, man.

Shady's a mad lad.

He's a mad lad, but he's my mad lad.

I love Asian uncles and aunties.

All of them?

Even the Tory ones?

Are they even Asian?

Yes.

Good.

That's why I was thinking, as well.

I think they're like the bad guys

at the end of "Scooby Doo".

They just grab them brown masks and send them all to Rwanda.

And reveal the many faces of Satan.

Harsh.

On Satan.

I really like you.

Did I ever tell you that?

♪ Through with you ♪

Memory Stick's last checkup's our last chance.

We get him to cooperate now, everything's patted.

Hello, Doc.

I need a few minutes with Colin Bigginson.

He's had his last checkup,

and Officer Sajid personally escorted him back to his cell.

Bloody Sajid.

I'll throttle the little pillock.

I could still do Mobeen,

if you just give us some space.

Take a seat, Mobeen.

Thank you.

How's the eye getting on?

Look up for me.

Okay.

Watch out for his breath.

It once made a cat faint.

That's a unique beside manner,

but I like it.

Why are you here?

I told you I don't want you here.

I won't be here long.

Why?

Nida's got me a proper placement.

Tell him where it is.

Sharjah in the UAE.

Are you joking?

You got her Sharjah?

Come on!

I can't believe it.

When do you go?

Tonight.

Huh?

Someone got COVID and dropped out last minute, so I'm in.

Nah.

Don't, please don't go.

- Hello, haramzada. - Uncle!

What are you doing here?

Prison chaplain gives the last right to a dying man.

Oh.

He can bet he's not getting any more sicker.

Did you kill him?

What are you doing here,

breast reduction surgery?

Breast reduction?

breast reduction, excuse me.

I'm just getting checked out by Dr.,

checked up by Dr. Nida medically.

It's all professional here.

Kinky boy.

Aqsa, if you're going to UAE, I have one piece of advice.

Yeah?

Go and visit Hajar Mountain caves.

Huh?

They're very beautiful.

Very dark and bad.

You must sleep in them.

Don't sleep in them.

Sleeping in caves never did me any harm, bastard.

Mobeen!

Moonbeam!

Oi, he's asleep.

Just like I was until you barged in.

Bastard!

Where is he?

Mega's gonna batter him any second.

Yeah man, come on.

Hold it!

What the fuck are you doing here?

Are you all right?

Look, dahl.

Oh.

Dahl.

You scared the shit outta me, man.

I just wanna say thank you for sorting Aqsa's placement.

Please, may I sit down?

Yeah, yeah.

How did you make this?

Oh, it was the lads in the canteen.

I got them to make it.

And how did you get in here?

The-the door was open.

Mm, pretty sure the door was locked.

I definitely didn't break in.

Look, this is really nice, but,

is this Pot Noodle in here?

Yeah, a bit.

Listen, I don't know how to break this down to you,

but it would be unprofessional for me

to eat this pot, dahl.

I'm sorry, I'll just go.

Nah, nah.

Thank you.

Oh.

How does it taste?

That tastes like

Obviously, this hasn't quite worked out, has it?

But in the real world, out there,

I would take you to get the best dahl on planet earth, yeah?

There's this place called Raja's Nicy Spicy.

I've heard.

What?

I actually wanna go there.

Yeah, well, I've just technically offered

to take you there.

I'm out soon, so I mean, maybe?

When I'm out?

As friends?

- Do you know what? - Mm-hmm?

As a friend, I'd be down with that.

Okay.

Good.

Well, well, well.

Turns out someone can leave their cell.

Swear down.

Man like Mobeen.

Curry, you want some of this?

♪ Sometimes I wanna leave it all ♪

♪ Like I don't need it, y'all ♪

♪ Pack my bags ♪

♪ The white flag is leaning tall ♪

♪ My people sad and mad ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't even call ♪

♪ But when you're thinking like that ♪

♪ Man I'll leave it all ♪

We need to get that info

our of Memory Stick's head and into my hands.

Listen, if I see one more scatter cushion in here,

there'll be trouble.

Boss.

Mobeen.

Nathaniel.

I need your help.

Nay, nay, nay.

Governor, you are not looking at our lulis

in the shower again.

It's not that.

It's Jamal.

He's in a bad way.

Jamal's a good brother.

What's happened?

He's refusing to leave his cell,

and he's threatening to hurt himself.

His wife says she's gonna stop him seeing the kids.

So what we need is a really brilliant trained listener

to go into his cell.

Somebody at the top of their game,

the best we've got.

And I'm looking at you, Mobeen.

Will you get on with it?

'Cause he needs you.

So, the thing is, if you spend time

sorting out Jamal, you can't get to Memory Stick, can you?

We are so close to getting Khan.

And if you run into Mega, he's gonna fuck you up.

Forget about Mega for a minute.

Jamal needs help.

He needs our help.

You're willing to put your neck on the line

for any old inmate, when you know Mega's out there

waiting for you?

It's not any old inmate.

He's a good brother, and he needs my help.

Don't look at me like that.

Mobeen!

Good luck, yeah?

- All the best, yeah? - Good luck, Mobes!

You've got this, Mobeen!

Jamal needs you!

Good luck out there!

Yo.

No, no, no!

Mega, stop bro.

I beg your pardon, Chips?

It's not about you and him.

It's about Jamal.

Very honorable.

But I don't give a shit.

Well, I give a shit.

Oh.

Listen, little man.

No, you listen to me, you big useless dosser.

Ooh.

You will get back to your cell immediately.

Sorry, you must be out of your-

Shut your mouth.

I run this wing.

You know what they say, don't ya, huh?

The bigger the lad, the smaller the brain.

He's gonna fist your bunda into another universe.

Go back to cell now, yeah?

You go.

Fee-fi-fo-fum.

Look at me, I'm a big hairy lun.

You're gonna be sorry

for this little show you just put on, coco.

Yeah?

Back to your cell.

You're boring, mate.

Thank you, Sajid.

Thank you.

Look at me.

Thank you, thank you.

Oi, hey Mobeen!

Come on, he's gone, he's gone!

That was close.

Oh my god.

Will you leave me alone?

I don't want to talk to you, okay?

You-you are an insufferable incorrigible piece of shit!

You're obsessed with me!

Colin!

Not now.

Oh yes, JJ.

Give us a minute, my bro, yeah?

Yo, salaam, Jamal.

Go away, Mobes.

I don't want a lecture from you.

Come on, man.

At least give your boy a salaam.

Come on.

My bad.

Salaam.

Salaam, there you are.

Jamal, I got something serious to tell you.

Harry Maguire is shit.

Did you see man at the weekend?

He's a dead baller, bro.

When his mum gave birth to him,

she gave birth to one human own goal.

How do you think that makes man feel

when he sees that stuff on social media?

You're behaving like one insensitive dickhead.

How you really feeling, bro?

My missus says I can't see my kids anymore.

How would you feel?

I ain't ever met your kids.

Are you dumb?

How would you feel if it was your sister?

That could never happen.

Come on, bro.

Well, it's happened to me.

Without my kids,

I don't want to be here anymore.

J, look.

You know where we're from.

Okay?

With these things, we just have to man up.

This is why men don't say anything.

I'm over here talking about wanting to kill myself,

and you're telling me to man up.

It didn't work.

Now what?

Huh?

Where's Mobeen?

Oh, he's helping Jamal at the moment, Uncle.

This is my job to help people.

I get paid overtime for this.

Just leave him to it, yeah?

He's a good lad.

He knows what he's doing.

No, I will remove him and send him back.

I want my overtime money.

No.

You stay in the cell.

All right, Nate, can you keep an eye on him please?

Back in a bit.

Ginseng?

Jamal.

I can imagine how you feel.

Can you?

Can you imagine wanting to do yourself in?

No.

No, I can't.

I can.

There are lots of people who want to kill Moonbeam.

One of them's even in this nick.

But doing himself in, never.

Can you two say Mashallah,

because you're doing a lot of desert on me

at the moment.

- Mashallah. - Mashallah.

Thank you.

You know, the first time I thought about it,

I made a right fucking mess of it.

You can close your mouth, Moonbeam.

It's a long journey, brother.

There are a lot more people on it than you think.

You're not alone.

You should be the listener.

Nah, mate.

I'm just as bad as dickhead over here.

I just know how to talk about it.

A lot of people don't.

But you know where I am if you need me.

Safe, bro.

Now feel like a good time to hug?

- Piss off. - Do one.

Safe, gents.

Bravo.

Oh, leave off, will you?

No.

I heard everything.

You're not a complete cretin, are you?

I know what you're after.

I'll give you the information you want about Khan.

- What? - What?

The financial records, the business details,

the list of bent coppers.

- Why? - Not why.

Yes!

Thank you.

What are you asking why for?

Look, I can't keep living like this.

I'm gonna end up like Jamal.

You're a good dude.

Really?

He's not an incel.

What?

He thought maybe you were an incel,

and I said- - Incel?

That's a weird thing for you to say.

But seriously.

This means you can finally get justice

for your friend, Eight.

How do you know Eight?

I went to uni with his older brother.

Me and Nine were pretty close.

You must've gone to Cambridge with him.

I did, yeah.

We met punting down the Cam.

I don't know what he means.

What does he mean?

I don't know what he means.

Okay, listen.

Just bring it in for a second, lads, yeah?

So.

How do we get the information

out of this incredible brain of yours

and into your hands like,

have you got a recording device?

I've got some gear, so I've got,

like, full body suit, balaclava.

I can meet you in the showers.

No, I was just thinking I'd just drop off

the memory stick at your cell later.

How do you mean, drop the memory,

you're gonna drop yourself to the cell,

and then when you get to the,

you're gonna drop yourself to the cell-

I haven't memorized all that,

you think I memorized all that?

No, it's all on a memory stick.

- Not in your head! - It's not in my head!

- It's not in his head! - Of course.

Oh yeah.

That's like something from a shit film!

Shit film!

The shittest film!

What kinda idiot would've thought it?

I don't know what kind of idiot

would've thought that!

I don't know! - He thought it.

Did you think that?

- No. - Stupid!

Stupid!

Just, he's called Memory Stick.

Don't do that again.

But no, listen, hey.

You don't know what this means to all of us.

Look at me.

What you're doing is fucking legendary, mate.

Really?

Oh.

Aw.

Special, special.

Okay, you know where the cell is?

I do, yeah.

And listen, if we could just bring it in as well.

Oh, that's, you've done that.

I thought it was just,

it was you and me and him.

We could just kinda hug it out now.

Okay.

Thanks, Colin.

, my brother.

- Nice to meet you, see you. - Peace be upon you.

Yeah.

Hey, Mobeen?

Mm-hmm?

Ooh?

Oh, and the.

Tsst!

Deet!

Yeah.

I'm, that was silly.

I-I actually really like magic.

I was just in a bad mood.

Oh yeah, really?

Yeah, yeah.

Ah, ah.

In fact, I know you don't have much time,

but I do have a bit of a magic trick to show you.

I'll be so quick.

I probably haven't got time.

Please.

The police officer says I haven't got time.

Please, Mobeen.

Please.

Just-just pick a card, any card.

Don't show me.

Pick a card.

And that's gonna be-

King of clubs.

No, don't show it to me.

We have to do it again. - Please!

Abracadabra!

- Oh please, oh. - Let's go.

Help me pick it up at least!

Cheers, mate.

Well done.

Well done, mate.

We're gonna get Khan.

- You've done it. - You did it.

- You did it. - We did it!

Listen to me, brother.

I never said it before, but I love you, bro.

I love ya, and I feel like kissing ya.

Can I kiss ya?

No.

Let me kiss you, please.

Go on, then.

Come on, Moonbeam.

Next time, just you and him?

Not once.

Nate!

I tried to stop him, but he just wouldn't listen.

I'm the alpha in here.

This is how I resolve disputes.

Such a strong stream.

Next time, I piss in your beard.

Ugh.

Hey.

Hey, he's nearly killed him.

What?

Mega.

He beat the shit out of Chippy.

He's-he's unresponsive.

Oh god.

It's my fault.

Mobeen, I know what you're thinking.

It's my fault.

Don't get involved.

You're letting the madness drag you back in.

Don't do it, man.

Nate.

I should've fixed this motherfucker a long time-

Mobeen.

Mobeen!

You want an apple?

Sorry?

I've got satsumas as well.

I've had my five a day, thank you.

Well, you were right.

Diabetes will be the death of me.

Natural sugars all the way now.

Come in.

In-in your cell?

Yeah, come into the shark tank.

Ah, Mobeen, Mobeen, Mobeen.

Mega, listen to me.

- No, you listen! - Oh, Allah.

You listen to me!

No, I'm sorry man.

I was speaking, and then you interrupted me,

and it's rude to interrupt.

It is rude, I apologize for being rude.

Look, I know you hate me.

I know everyone hates me.

They do.

Ah, fuck.

I think I actually hate myself.

You probably shouldn't hate yourself.

It's bad for your chakras, and-

Stop.

You know, right before I was gonna kill you-

You were gonna kill me?

I had this thought.

You and me, yeah?

We're actually really alike.

Single mum.

Dad in and out of trouble,

then he fucks off, leaves us to fend for ourselves.

My mum told him to fuck off.

She left him, so-

Well, she would say that.

Mine did.

90s immigrant mums never left their men.

No, he walked out on us.

You and I.

You know what the difference is between you and me?

I'm a prick who knows he's a prick.

You're a prick who doesn't know he's a prick.

I know you're a prick.

You're the prick. - No, you're a prick.

You're the, you just said it, didn't you?

I'm a prick.

That's facts.

You are a prick.

But also, you're a prick.

I don't think so.

Yes!

Yes!

You see?

That there!

Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!

See, you love it.

You love it, the chaos, the drama,

the need to be a savior.

You even put your own people in harm's way

just to be a hero.

I respect that.

I understand that.

- You chat shit, man. - Chat shit, really?

You chat shit.

All you had to do was say no to that undercover fed.

And instead, what did you say?

"Yes, Sahib."

You were nearly done.

You were outta here.

New start, new life.

But you love it too much.

Let's be honest.

Without this Paki Robin Hood persona,

who are you, brother?

Just another guy stacking shelves in B&Q.

Yeah.

You would rather be dead than be that guy.

We are never going to beat the system.

So what do you say we light a fire,

me and you,

and burn this bastard to the ground?

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

There will be no fires on my watch, Goliath.

Oh, shit.

So, according to that parable,

that would make you, what?

Little David?

Sajid, not-not David.

What's he talking about, David?

Oh, shit.

Very, very Biblical.

You big-

Oh!

Oh, dead hooker, Sajid!

Ready, bro?

No, I can't go, man.

Do this crazy shit you're about to do.

You made a pie?

No.

But I can get you fruit.

Lads!

We've waited a long time for this!

Who fancies a fucking riot?

Yeah!

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Aw, now it's back where I left ♪

♪ I know they praying on my demise ♪

♪ But lacking the help ♪

♪ I look them dead up in they eyes ♪

♪ Like what's happening, I'm here ♪

♪ And in my heart it's too cold ♪

♪ There's no passion in there ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Now it's back to my ways ♪

♪ They get my feet up to the fire ♪

♪ Now I'm catching the blaze ♪

♪ If they only knew the pain ♪

♪ That I've been through afraid ♪

♪ They wouldn't try me ♪

♪ But be by me ♪

♪ Now it's obviously hate ♪

♪ So I gotta move smart ♪

♪ And give 'em no chance, dog ♪

♪ I fought through all the pressure ♪

♪ In all of the stand outs ♪

♪ They hoping that I let up ♪

♪ And never to stand tall ♪